Darkest Before the Dawn
by CatMasters
Summary: What if Edward finally found his mate, but she had a troubled past and wanted to kill herself? Could he help her find a reason to live? Could she show him what he had always been missing? DARK themes, rape discussion and sexual content. AU, EPOV
1. Returning Home

**Chapter 1 – Returning Home**

This may not have been the seventh circle of hell, but it had to be a part of hell somehow, someway. It was Saturday night, two days before classes started, and I was at a frat party with my brothers celebrating a new school year. It was difficult enough being a vampire that had chosen to live amongst humans. Going to college and sitting through classes were hard enough to keep the thirst at bay; but at a party like this, with all these warm human bodies pressed against each other in such a small space, sweating . . . it definitely made me thirstier.

Add to that, that I cannot keep the thoughts of all the party revelers out of my head, and I definitely had entered some level of hell. All the thoughts around me were centered on drunkenness and lust. I was the only vampire I knew that could read minds. It was a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing that I knew what was going on and could protect my family and myself if people started getting suspicious about us, or if there was someone having thoughts that we should know about. It was a curse because I could never turn it off and I always felt like I was invading people's privacy by knowing what they were thinking. Though to be truthful, it was rare there was a thought from someone original enough to catch my interest, enough to care. Still, all the voices in my head buzzing around on top of all the things people were saying made me hate being in large groups.

This was why I came late to the party, even though I knew Emmett and Jasper were going to give me grief because of it. I walked though the Beta house looking for them. I could hear Emmett downstairs shouting at somebody doing a beer bong. I went down and saw Mike Newton, on his knees, completely wasted and Emmett standing over him laughing. I chuckled and walked over.

"It's about time, bro. Where've you been?" Emmett asked, giving me a look that said he wanted to kick my butt. He then glanced at Mike who was wobbling as he tried to stand up. _See the fun you missed? You should have seen it earlier when he fell over Jessica Stanley and landed with his face in her chest. I don't know who screamed more!! It was great bro._

Emmett played the whole scene in his head and I had to admit it was pretty priceless to watch. I chuckled.

_I was scared for a minute that those fake breasts of hers would pop; then we'd really have had a situation on our hands,_ Jasper, coming up behind me, thought.

I couldn't take it anymore. I laughed out loud at the thought. It truly would have been too funny and entirely possible the way Jessica was always sticking her chest out.

Suddenly, I caught the tenor of Mike's thoughts and backed up, making sure Jasper came with me as Mike hurled everywhere.

Emmett just laughed _Priceless!_ Jasper twitched and couldn't decide if he was disgusted or entertained by Mike.

Honestly, Mike wasn't all bad - basically a typical horny, drunken, frat boy, same as all the rest. I knew this because Emmett made it his goal to join every fraternity at some point in his life. Because he was my brother, he dragged me into all of them as well. So far, we had pledged and joined fifteen different fraternities in the last eighty years.

_What in the hell? Great, Mike again, I am so not cleaning up this time. Oh, Edward's back._ "Hey Edward. When'd you get back? Ready for classes again?" Ben asked.

Ben was the President of our chapter. He was a good guy and didn't annoy me overly much, which was saying a lot. "Yeah, I returned a week ago. Jasper registered me for all my classes and Alice purchased all my books; so I guess I'm ready." I gave him a smile, showing no teeth, not wanting to creep him out.

"That's great, Cullen, see you around. I'm gonna go find someone to clean up this mess and get Newton to bed." _Why can't this guy make it through one party without throwing up somewhere?_ Ben left, shaking his head.

As Ben turned, I smelled something on him. It was a scent I had never smelled before, but it burned and made me impossibly thirstier. My brow furrowed as I tried to figure out what I caught the faintest whiff of. Before I could decide, Ben was lost in the crowd and I saw Alice and Rosalie coming over.

Alice jumped into Jasper's arms. Rose grabbed Emmett and kissed him while laughing about him starting out early with his goal to get Mike to puke every time he could. It took so little to entertain Emmett; for some reason, Mike acting like an idiot brought him great joy. To be fair, I couldn't fault him for it. Honestly, Mike was just one of those people where it was so easy to make look like an idiot, and he gave you numerous occasions to do so.

_Hey, Edward, this is a party; go have fun. I know you can do it!!_ Alice was practically shouting in my head. I gave her a smile and walked away, trying to find something to hold my attention for more then two seconds.

Sighing, I thought back over the last few months. I had been away from my family helping the Volturi. The Volturi were the royalty of the vampire world. They maintained peace and kept our existence a secret. Decades ago, they had gotten spooked by the size and talent of our coven. It was rare to see vampires in a coven that were more then a single set of mates. To find a coven of seven vampires was unheard of. Add to that the gifts that our coven possessed. The Volturi were mindful and uneasy about us.

Carlisle, our father, ever wanting to keep peace, had talked with the Volturi and explained that we wanted nothing to do with taking over or of even getting involved with anything that they were doing. To make sure the Volturi knew we were not trying to take over, Carlisle had offered for them to call us if needed. So periodically, there would be a call from Italy asking for one, or more of us, to go help with something. Usually it was just a ploy for them to check up on us and make sure that we were not plotting.

This time, though, they did need my help. There had been a war going on in Africa and my ability to read minds definitely helped speed things along.

Sighing yet again, I couldn't help but notice that no matter where I was, I was always the odd man. When I was with the Volturi, I was looked at as some kind of freak. Vampires would seek human blood and live off of it. Our family chose differently. We would feed off of animals. This caused all kinds of confusion, humor and ridicule from the members of the Volturi. I quickly got sick of listening to their thoughts.

Now that I was back home, I was, again, the odd man out. Here I was, not the freak among the monsters, but the single man in a family of loving couples. I didn't begrudge my brothers and sisters each other, but it also got tiring being the only one that was not part of a pair.

We were currently living in Seattle and going to University of Washington. It was nice because the weather here was usually overcast and we could blend in. While myth talked about vampires bursting into flame if we stepped into the sun, that doesn't happen. However, we did not blend in when in the sun either; so it behooved us to live in areas where the sun was not abundant.

Our coven lived outside of Seattle in a densely wooded area. Carlisle was the patriarch of our coven. He personified all that was good in the world. He was my creator and mentor. Carlisle was changed into a vampire in the 1640's and has never drunk human blood. He currently worked as a Doctor at the Seattle Children's Hospital. His ability to work around human blood daily and not give into the temptation to drink, was amazing. I hope someday to be as strong as he was.

He was mated to Esme. Esme was the heart of our coven. She acted as a mother to us all and looked the part with her small stature and shoulder length light brown hair. Carlisle changed Esme in the 1920's, a few years after he changed me. He found her broken after she tried to kill herself. Following the death her days old baby boy, she threw herself off of a cliff. They had been together ever since.

Next, Carlisle changed Rosalie. Rosalie Hale. While we would never be best friends, she did have loyalty to her family. Rosalie was beautiful, even for a vampire; she had long blond hair and a curvy 5'9" body that she loved to show off in everything she wore. Vampires were known for their beauty; it was one of the many talents we had for drawing in our prey. Rosalie, though, was more beautiful than most vampires and she knew it and expecte to be cherished for it. Rose was very self-centered and vain; but after living with her for 80 years, I had learned to ignore her.

The one good thing that Rose has done was brought Emmett into our coven. Rose found him being mauled by a bear and brought him back to Carlisle to change him before he died. Emmett was a huge vampire. While we all had strength far greater than a human, Emmett had strength that far surpassed even normal vampires. He was boisterous, loud and the best brother that I could ask for. He was playful and listening to his thoughts never brought me guilt because there was nothing he thought he wouldn't say. In fact, I was completely positive he didn't have a brain-to-mouth filter.

In the 1950's, our clan expanded when Alice and Jasper showed up one day. Alice was a little pixie of a girl who had short cropped black hair. She is extremely hyper and the most interested in humans and getting to know them. She had a rare talent in that she could see the future and what it held based on the decisions people made. It could be very helpful, but also sketchy as people were always changing their mind. She had definitely kept us informed of changes that were coming or instances when we could be revealed.

Jasper was her mate. Jasper looked like a tall, dirty blond good-looking guy to humans, but to other vampires, he looked scary. He was from a time of great wars between vampires and had many scars that humans couldn't easily see, but vampires could and understood. They knew that he was a warrior and had been in many battles. He was the newest to the life of animal blood and struggles with it, as he drank human blood for more than 100 years. Jasper was also talented in that he could read people's emotions and influence them. It was a subtle gift but one that was incredibly useful in many situations.

That was my family. All mated. All together. Currently for the sake of discussion, we had told humans we come across that Rose and Jasper are twins living with their significant others. I was Emmett's best friend and lived with them too. We had never mentioned Carlisle or Esme since no one ever came to our house or even knew where we lived. Carlisle had never mentioned us at work either.

I wandered around the party for a little while, contemplating how I was different no matter where I was and trying to decide if I truly cared or not. As I wandered, I sporadically caught that elusive scent a few more times. I couldn't quit figure out what it was that I smelled, but it made me very thirsty. It must have been a human that was no longer here; though that seemed weird, as I had shown up late to the party, but definitely not that late. Certainly no one coming to the party would have left already.

I decided to leave the party and quench my thirst. I knew I was going to miss the lions that I was able to eat in Africa, but there had to be something close by that could help with the burning in my throat.

Emmett caught me walking out. _Brother there is no way that you're leaving. You just got here, man._ I sighed, turning to him and saw Rose wrapped in his arms.

_Great to see that Edward is still pissy. You would think that after 90 years he would finally find a way to get the stick out of his ass. _Rose always had such charming thoughts. I tried my best to ignore her.

"Emmett, I came seriously, I just don't feel like listening to the pedantic thoughts of drunken frat boys right now."

"Come on, find some sorority girl and go on the dance floor and grind for a while. Maybe if you ever got some action, you'd be a happier Edward. There are plenty of willing ladies around here to offer you a distraction!" Emmett said.

I sighed again. Emmett, who was in a very physical relationship with his mate, didn't get how I lived a sexually repressed life, his words, not mine. He just never got that hearing the thoughts of the average girl, and all the things that she wanted to do to me, did not get me in the mood to want to explore a relationship with any human girl; not to mention that humans were so fragile, I don't know that I could have sex with one without breaking her. That I wouldn't do.

"Emmett, I'm sure there are more then enough girls to grind against," I said, rolling my eyes, "but seriously, I haven't seen a one worth the effort to care."

"Hey, go get Stanley. If nothing else, watching her bounce around should cause some great entertainment for all the boys around here." He waggled his eyebrows as he spoke.

I chuckled, "Yeah, but if she bounced too much she might knock herself out and I would get stuck taking care of her. While I'm sure it would entertain all the guys around here, do you seriously think Jessica won't be giving all of them a show by the end of the night anyway?" Jessica was known for not getting through a party with her shirt on.

What makes it worse was that she had imagined herself in love with me. The fantasies in her mind were enough to make me stay as far from her vapid mind as I could. Every time she saw me, she played out detailed sexual fantasies in her mind. I run the other way before she could even say anything to me. Emmett, of course, knew this, yet kept trying to find ways to get Jessica and I in close proximity to each other; but since he was not able to block any thought that crossed his mind, I always knew what he was pulling and managed to escape.

"Listen, I'm just going to leave. I'm really thirsty for some reason tonight and I just want to hunt. I'll see you back at the house later and you can fill me in on everything exciting that happens then, ok?"

Emmett shrugged. _L__ater man._

_

* * *

_Thank you to Ronnie and Dani for Beta'ing for me. I own NOTHING from Twilight, it lal belongs to SM_  
_


	2. Learning What's Wrong

Chapter 2 – Learning What's Wrong

I sighed. Lunch. I was walking into the quad for lunch thinking about how boring college life was. I hated pretending to eat and be human, but my brothers, sisters and I had perfected our charade and no one even noticed anymore that we really didn't eat the food that we got.

_What to get today, pizza? Sandwich? It is all disgusting and doesn't matter. _I thought

_Why can't we find a college that serves raw and bloody cow on a stick? So much better then this nasty stuff,_ Jasper thought.

I smirked. "Cause what fun would that be? Poor Em would cry if he couldn't chase his food down and tackle it." Jasper just chuckled and nodded.

We sat down in the quad in our usual place. Many of the beautiful people sat here. What a laugh! This was where the rich snobby people kept court. Don't bother walking up the steps unless you were Greek and accepted. This always got under my skin because I knew exactly how entitled most of the children here were, thinking they were special; they weren't. They were spoiled rich kids. For the most part, they hadn't had an original thought in their lives. Some thought they were rebelling against mommy and daddy. Really, they were just sheep to whatever vice they chose to worship.

I sat down with Jasper and paid little attention to the people around me, keeping up small conversations with people and looking around to see what had changed during the semester I was away. Nothing much of course - a few new faces, a few faces gone, nothing of interest. I sighed again; pedantic, pedestrian, I did have to admit. At least when I am working for the Volturi, nothing was boring.

As I was looking around, I noticed the scent that I caught at the party on Friday night. It was not strong where I was sitting, but it was enough to cause my throat to burn in hunger and cause the venom to flow. I tried to figure out where it was coming from, but couldn't from my seat. I didn't want to get up and walk around to ferret out the scent, thinking I would look silly.

"Swan, what'd you bake me today?" Mike came up the stairs shouting. I glanced over at him to see him looking at a table where there were some baked goods, crescent rolls it appeared. Mike walked over and grabbed one and took a huge bite, grinning. He walked over to a table against the wall where a girl was sitting by herself. He winked at her and mumbled through the bread in his mouth, "Awesome as usual. Baby, when are you going to cook for me?"

The girl looked at him and said, "I keep telling you, February 30th is all yours." Then she turned away from him and started typing something on her laptop. She had a beautiful soft voice.

I chuckled under my breath.

"Oh baby why you gotta be like that?" Mike asked and walked away to sit at a table with his usually group.

I turned back to look her when I heard Jessica Stanley say something to her crony Lauren Mallory. "He never gives up, does he?" _I don't get what he sees in Bella. She isn't anything special. Sure, she likes to make food, but we all know that she doesn't do anything else that will really satisfy a man. She's a virgin tease and it is disgusting how Mike fawns over her. _Jessica was sitting at the table Mike went to sit at, and she leaned over to get closer to him.

I looked back over to Bella and my breath caught. I don't even know why. She was typing at her computer and not paying attention to anyone around, her so I took the opportunity to look at her closely. She had long mahogany hair that cascaded down her back in waves. She was incredibly pale, which a lot of people in Seattle were, but she seemed even more so then normal. She had a beautiful heart shaped face and blush red lips that looked incredibly soft.

_Wait!_ I thought to myself. _Why was I noticing her lips? I never made such an observation about a human before. Why I was noticing it about her. I felt this draw to go over and talk to her, to get to know her better, and I had no clue why._

I searched out her thoughts to see what it was about her that was intriguing me so much, but I wasn't getting anything. I was confused. I always could read what people were thinking without trying. But when I searched out thoughts in her direction, I wasn't getting anything; it was like there was no one there.

I started to concentrate on her trying to figure out why I was interested and, more importantly, what she was thinking. I was blocking out everything and didn't notice that Jasper was trying to get my attention until he nudged me. _Edward! What's going on? You are suddenly very uptight and upset. Why are you gawking at Bella? _

Wait, did Jasper know her? I turned to ask him about her when I saw Bella look up with the biggest brown eyes. I lost all train of thought.

She looked over at Mike and grimaced, then glanced around and saw me. I was still staring at her, and she looked at me, not turning away. She had beautiful brown, deep eyes, but they were also void, emotionless, dead. I didn't remember ever seeing eyes so vacant of emotion before. I was staring, hoping to figure out what she was thinking, but nothing. Suddenly, she blushed and looked down at her laptop.

What was going on? Why was I not hearing her thoughts? She definitely had them, as she was looking at me and blushing. There had to be a thought behind that. I just kept staring at her, a part of me knew it was rude, but I couldn't look away.

I looked closer and noticed more than the obvious things that I had noted before. She had large dark circles under her eyes, making me think that she hadn't slept well in a while. Her hair, which was beautiful, also seemed limp and lifeless like her eyes. Her clothes were very oversized on her, making me wonder if she had lost a great deal of weight.

As I watched her, her phone rang. I decided to listen in to see if I could figure out more about this girl and what was going on within her mind. This, I knew I could do. While I couldn't hear her thoughts, I could still use my vampire hearing, which was far superior to any humans. Even with Bella across the quad, I could hear her and anyone she talked to on the phone.

"Hello," she said.

A male voice answered her back, who was it? A boyfriend? A brother? "Just checking in with you to see how you are doing."

I watched Bella, her eyes remained dead, and her voice was void of emotion as well. "I am just fine, nothing exciting and enjoying my first day of classes."

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

Bella sighed and pulled a leg up on her chair and held it against her chest. She replied in a small voice, "Yeah a little, I guess".

"Have you eaten today?"

Bella dropped her head to her knee. Sighing, she said, "No, I've been busy, I promise I will grab something soon."

"Please eat. You are too skinny and you need to have strength for the coming months. Please just eat something for me."

I wondered what this guy was talking about. Something was happening in the coming months. I would have to look into it. Did whatever was happening have to do with her drawn appearance?

"I will; I promise. I gotta go now though. I'll talk to you later, okay? Thanks for checking on me."

"Yeah, Bella. I'll call you later this week and update you if there's anything new happening. Goodbye"

"Bye." Bella closed her phone and set it on the table without looking up. She sat for a few more minutes and went back to her laptop typing again, like nothing had happened. I had to admit, I was intrigued and found myself wondering if I should go over and talking to her.

Then, to my surprise, my pixie-like sister came dancing up the stairs and sat down at this girl's table. _Ooh, Bella has color today! Now, if we can get her some clothes, I can make her stunning._ I snorted. Alice thought everything was solved with clothes. But I was excited that Alice knew this Bella girl, maybe she could help me figure out what was going on. "Bella where were you last night?" Alice demanded.

Bella shook her head, and the corners of her mouth turned up slightly, but her smile never reached her eyes. "Alice, I was there, just ask Angela and Ben. I went, I saw, I left. I promised you I would go. Then Newton came over acting like an idiot and instead of dealing, I left early. So there!" She stuck her tongue out. I laughed.

_Damn Newton. I wish he would just leave her alone. I never see what he is going to do because he is so darned impulsive and makes all his decisions spur of the moment. I should have been watching for him. Next time I will. _"Fine, at least you came for a little while and got out of that prison you call a house! I told you I was gonna bust you out." Alice said.

What was this? Definitely needed to have a chat with little sister later. Bella started shaking her head and packing up her stuff. "Alice, it is my house, not a prison. Just because I don't like going to parties with drunken frat boys who spill stale beer on me and cop a feel, doesn't mean I am a prisoner." She stood up, shaking her head again. "I'll catch ya later." She turned and walked out the south door. As she walked away, she glanced in my direction where I was still staring at her, trying to hear her thoughts, and still coming up with nothing. As soon as she saw I was still looking at her, her eyes narrowed a little and she looked quickly away, furrowing her brow and blushing some more.

As she walked out, I felt a tugging at me to go with her. Why was that? This was incredibly strange.

_Darn that girl. I am going to get her, yet. I wonder where Edward is? _Alice looked ahead, seeing herself looking around and spotted me a few tables away, then she saw us leaving, taking a walk and talking about Bella. Without either of us saying anything, we both got up.

Jasper looked at me. _What's up bro?_ I just shook my head at him and walked out. He knew that things were ok with Alice, and that I just needed to talk to her.

I walked outside knowing that Alice was going to ask me about reading Bella's thoughts. I didn't know what to tell her. I was not happy that I couldn't. I didn't remember ever not being able to read someone and I didn't know if this meant that something was wrong with me or with her. I decided that it had to be her because I knew it couldn't be me, could it? No, I had never heard of a vampire losing their gifts, they only got stronger with age, not weaker. No, it had to be the girl. I wondered what was wrong with her. Hmmm.

_Edward, I know you saw me talking to Bella. She is the one that I have been helping; can you help me help her? What is going on in her mind. _Alice pouted a bit because she knew that I didn't like listening to people's minds to report their secrets. It felt horribly wrong. I knew that I had opened up about secrets to our family, but only when it affected us or was something that was common knowledge. I didn't like revealing secrets that people didn't want to share.

"Alice, this is one time that I do wish I could help you, but I can't" She started to break in and stop me, so I kept going quickly, "Alice I can't read a single thought from her. For some reason her mind in completely closed to me. I was trying to get a read on her, but I got nothing." I ran my hands through my hair, the whole thing frustrated me. I definitely needed to talk to Carlisle.

Alice got really upset and looked at me. "What do you mean you can't read her?"

I shook my head. "Alice, I have no idea. I just know when you were talking to her, I was trying to listen but got nothing! I could see her; I could hear her speak, but I couldn't read her mind at all. Sorry."

Alice was really upset. I wondered what it was with Bella. I had seen Alice take on "projects" before, but never get this upset about one. Alice loved to help people find their way if they were lost. For the most part, it wasn't a big deal. It was something that maked her happy. Sometimes, she roped me, or one of the others, into helping her; I acted upset about it, but I usually didn't care. It was nice to be a monster that actually left a human in a better place after meeting me then they were before they met me. I didn't know that Bella was a project of Alice's, but the way she was so upset made me think she was. Not just any project, but an important one.

"Alice, what's the big deal? So she doesn't go out a lot. This is not life threatening. Why are you so upset about this?"

_Because it is life threatening!_Alice started showing me pictures of Bella from the last semester that she was around. Alice's mind flittered to a sorority meeting where everyone was informed that there was a new transfer, and there were not a lot of details, but that this sister had need of friends and support.

Next, Alice flashed to a meeting a week later where, in attendance, was a girl with long brown hair and big brown eyes. She was introduced as Isabella Swan, but said her name was Bella. Again, I was struck by the fact that her eyes were dead. Alice commented through the picture, asking me if I could see how dead she looked. I grunted.

Then came rapid fire images as Alice thought through the times she had seen Bella in the quad or in passing. She was always alone, even when surrounded by people. There was an air of isolation about her and a grief that was almost tangible. Slowly, as the images progressed I saw that Bella was around people more, but again seemed to be almost apart from everyone. Every image Alice showed me had Bella watching interactions, but not a part of them. When she did interact, it was fleeting, with little emotion or excitement in her eyes.

Then at the end of Alice's montage, there was an image of Bella hugging Alice. I stopped short as my jaw dropped. Bella hugged Alice?! I could feel Alice's excitement. No one willingly touched us. Humans subconsciously knew there was something wrong with us, something different, something deadly, and kept a distance. There were a few people that we did make friends with, but it was always at a distance, never a touching friendship. To see Bella hugging Alice made something inside of me tighten, not knowing what to think.

Then the images were gone. I looked at Alice and said the only thing I could think of, "She hugged you?"

Alice pleaded with her eyes, _yes she did. Did you see the pain that she carries with her? I have tried to be her friend, and last year she hugged me. I need to help her before she kills herself._

"WHAT?" I was floored, what did she mean 'before she kills herself'?

Alice sighed and showed me one more image. It was an image in the future, a future that Alice could see. It was a solitary picture; Bella lying dead and a bottle of pills beside her. What did this mean? When was this going to happen? Why did I feel like there was a hole in my chest seeing this picture?

I looked at Alice, wanting answers. _I don't know. I just know that the first time I saw Bella, this picture flashed so bright that I couldn't have ignored it if I had wanted to. Every time I have seen her since, I have seen this image. Bella is going to kill herself, it is a matter of time, the decision is made and is strong. I have watched over her, hoping to change this future I see, but nothing changes it. I don't know what happened or what is causing her pain. __I was hoping that you could help me. I hoped that you could look into her head and tell me what is causing her pain so that I can help her__._

I reached up and tugged at my hair. I felt helpless. What was wrong with this girl that she was in pain and felt that killing herself was the only way to end it? How could I help Alice when I couldn't read a thing in Bella's thoughts? I sighed. "Alice, I will help you, but I don't know what I can do_."_

_That's okay. Hopefully it will be a good semester, and I can break through or something. _

I sighed and left to go to class. I would be a bit early, so I walked slowly, thinking about Bella, and tried to figure out how I could help her. I was thinking about her when I saw her sitting by herself under a tree as I walked by. She had a book open on her lap like she had been studying, but she was looking off in the distance, and the look on her face scared me. It was heart breaking. She looked like she was being tortured. I stopped and stared, wondering what I should do.

She suddenly shook her head, like she was coming out of water, and the look on her face became void again, all traces of the pain that were there were gone. She looked around a bit and saw me staring at her. She blushed and looked back at her book. I kept going to class. There was definitely something going on, and I was going to help Alice.

*************

Later that day, after classes were done, I went to the hospital to find Carlisle. He was in his office. I knocked on the door. _Come in, Edward_. I walked in and sat on a chair that was by his desk. "What can I help you with?" There was slight confusion in his thoughts as to why I was there.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. "Have you ever heard of a vampire losing their gift?" I asked, not beating around the bush.

Carlisle looked slightly taken aback and started thinking through all the vampires he knew and their gifts and came to the same thoughts that I had earlier, no vampire lost their gift, their gift got stronger. _Why? Do you think that you are losing yours? What is going on?_

I shook my head. "Today there was this girl; I couldn't read her thoughts. Nothing. That has never happened to me before and I don't know why it is happening now."

Carlisle sat for a minute, thinking through what I said. _So, you want to know if this means there is something wrong with you, or with her?_

I nodded, feeling a bit guilty for thinking that way. Carlisle knew me well. Although he couldn't read my mind, he knew the type of thoughts I would be having.

_Since this has never happened to you before, I am going to say that there is something different with this girl, but not wrong. How? I don't have a clue, but something is different. It could be how she thinks or maybe a process is different or she's tuned differently. I wouldn't let it worry you unless you see this happening more frequently. Edward, I am sure that you aren't broken. _He chuckled at the end and I did to.

"Thanks," I said getting up. "I feel bad because Alice was counting on me to help her with Bella and now I can't. I wonder if her problem is what is blocking me, who knows."

"Bella? Bella Swan?" Carlisle asked shocked. I saw a picture of Bella flash in his mind.

"Yeah, why? How do you know her?" I was confused.

_Alice told me about her last semester and about how she wanted to help her out. You know Alice. Well, a week or so after that, I saw Bella here and did some checking. She volunteers on the long term Pediatric floor. She comes in a couple of times a week and sits with the kids that are here long term, but whose parents can't stay and live in the hospital with them. The staff up there loves her. She is always quiet and friendly and has taken a few kids here under her wing._

_I have introduced myself to her and talked to her a few times. Nothing interesting but I agree with Alice that this girl could use some help. I admit I, too, was looking forward to you being able to shed some light on what is troubling such a young girl._

Man, I felt lost. Why couldn't I read this girl? What could I do? I sat back on the couch as Carlisle was talking and suddenly, I stood up, feeling like a caged animal. Why, of all the people, could I not help this simple human girl? But maybe I should've been wondering why it even mattered. Why did I feel so compelled to help her? Why did I feel like a part of me had been ripped apart thinking of her dead?

_Don't be frustrated. This isn't your fault. This isn't her fault. It just is. You learn in medicine fast, you can't save them all, it doesn't mean you don't try,_ Carlisle thought.

I nodded. I never understood humans wanting to kill themselves. To live and then to willingly die. I never got it. But this seemed sadder to me somehow, and I didn't know why.

I decided to go home to blow off some steam and play piano. Usually playing piano took the edge off my brooding, but tonight it didn't do a lot. Flashes of Bella kept flying through my thoughts. It finally started to make me mad. Why did I keep thinking about this human? She wasn't special. She was a human, nothing more. Yes, she was planning on killing herself, but she was not the first human to think that or do it. I figured it must've been her closed mind that was making me obsess over her. Maybe if I could unlock it, I wouldn't have to think about her. It seemed to make sense, though I had no clue how to go about doing it. I spent the rest of the night playing and trying to get Bella Swan out of my head.

* * *

AN - I would like to thank RobotMoose for looking over my chapter and for **midnight serenade** for beta'ing it. Thanks to Dani for the 2nd Edit

If you want to come and offer advice, thoughts, comments or discussion join me on the Twilighted Forum www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=33&t=6460. I love talking to people on the forums and would love to talk to you. Plus on Friday I will have forum only teasers for the next chapter!!

I have updated the description on this story to include that there are Dark Themes and Rape will be discussed. I want to make sure going in that people know so that they don't get hooked on the story only to find out where it will lead.

Lastly I want to send out a ff rec for The Day the Earth Stood Still by Sara Liz. If you like Twilight type Vampire fics from EPOV then this is a must read.

I don't own Twilight or any of Stephanie Meyer's characters or plot.

Now please review! I send out a teaser to everyone that does!


	3. The One that Sings

**Chapter 3 – The One that Sings**

Tuesday was a pretty boring day, not that most weren't. I looked for Bella a few times and saw her through different people's minds of people she had class with. I had been with Alice when she was looking at Bella's future, and I knew what classes she would be in that day. She was always quiet and off on her own and often staring in the distance at something only she could see. She never had a light in her eyes, and was always enveloped in sadness and isolation. The few times I saw someone try to talk to her; she gave short answers - never mean or rude, but quiet and reserved.

If nothing else, I had to admit that school was no longer quite as boring. To blend in with humans, my brothers, sisters, and I had gone to school many times over the years. We all had multiple degrees and found school to be boring, but we all agreed it was better then sitting home all day. Though, I can imagine some days sitting home would be better than listening to some of the teachers or professors spout off, thinking they knew so much.

It had been so long since I had learned anything in any school that I've attended. If I wanted to learn, I would research and explore on my own. Since I was changed when I was seventeen; I still looked like I was younger than twenty. I didn't act like a normal seventeen year old though, so I could usually pass for up to twenty-two or twenty-three without much trouble. The good thing was that,, at present we were in college. As a family, we had done high school many times and it was tedious and boring to the point that I wanted to gouge my eyes out. At least in college, there was a higher level of learning the same things I already knew.

When I had first been changed, I looked forward to going to school over and over and learning new things. I was curious by nature and part of me liked that I would have endless time to learn and seek out answers to anything that I wanted to know. But after getting twenty different degrees in various subjects, and repeating school, I no longer found it fun.

To be honest, it had been a long time since I looked forward to, or found excitement, in doing anything. I'd become apathetic, and found myself just going through the motions. I no longer had a drive or curiosity to learn anything new. It had even been over two decades since I composed any new music. There was nothing to inspire me; everything seemed old and worn.

But for the first time in years, I found myself absorbed and totally enthralled with something. Bella. I wanted to know her. I wanted to know what she is thinking. I wanted to see what it would take to get the void out of her eyes. I wanted to see her smile genuinely.

Most of all, I wanted to know why it mattered so much. Why was I so engrossed by this human girl? It had to be because I couldn't read her thoughts. If I could unlock them, or get to know her to the point that I could figure out what she was thinking, I'm sure she would no longer hold any appeal for me.

That night I had a sociology class. Alice signed us because Bella was taking it. She originally thought that it would be a perfect way for me to get to know Bella and listen to her thoughts. While I would no longer be listening in, I could still get to know her and come up with a plan on how to get into her mind. I admit that I was finding myself excited about actually speaking to Bella for the first time. But there was another part of me that just wanted to see her and find a way to take the pain away she was in. This confused me as I've never before had the desire to comfort a human or involve myself in their life. I assumed it was because I couldn't read her mind, and comfort was all I could offer. Though, for some reason, that logic didn't sound right. Of course, I hadn't spent much time trying to figure it out.

I was sitting in class, waiting, hearing the girl two rows up trying to undress me in her mind. I cringed; sometimes I hated being able to hear some people's thoughts. Alice and Bella walked in and sat next to me. All thoughts and conversations left my head. _There_ was the scent, the one I smelled at the party on Friday night and in the quad yesterday. It was coming off in waves from this little girl. _she_ was the one. I had never smelled anything like her in my life. The monster in me roared to life and every muscle in my body clenched in anticipation to hunt and kill. I stopped breathing to help squelch the fire in my throat, though I knew it would do little to take away the burning. Deep within me, I felt the rumble more, then heard a growl from the monster within as I struggled to not give into my deepest desire to take this little girl right here right now and suck her dry.

Bella was talking to Alice, though I didn't hear a word she said. She hadn't even noticed me yet.

Alice turned and looked at me in confusion that quickly turned to horror. She stopped, sifted through my future, and saw me killing Bella. In anguish, Alice thought, _No not her, please not her. Edward don't, you can't do this. STOP!_ I ripped my eyes from Bella, whom I had been staring at from the instant I caught her scent and looked at Alice.

Alice covertly reached in her pocket and dialed my cell phone. _Answer it, Edward, and pretend there is an emergency at home and that we have to leave._

I felt my cell vibrate while looking at Alice as she pleaded with me. I hadn't moved a muscle since catching Bella's scent, scared that if I moved, even the slightest, I would lose my control and kill her.

Staring at Alice, I slowly reached for my phone while still not breathing. I opened the phone and grunted into it. I waited a minute, listening to Alice plead over and over in her head for me to leave Bella alone. I pretended to listen to someone on the other end of the line. I looked at Alice and managed to growl out through clenched teeth. "Alice we need to go, there is a problem at home."

As I said this, Bella turned to look at me for the first time. Her eyes held my attention. They were dead and void of emotion, as usual, but as she caught me looking at her, fear replaced the emptiness. Bella looked at Alice and in a shaky voice asked, "Is everything ok? Do you need any help?"

Without taking her eyes off of me, Alice told Bella, "I am sure everything is fine. I'm going to go with Edward. Can you get any assignments for me?" Bella nodded and looked back at me, her eyes widening even further in fear. I knew that thoughts of murder were in my eyes, and a small part, at the back of my mind, felt bad that I was scaring her, but there was nothing I could do about it.

When Alice grabbed my arm, and I wrenched my gaze from this girl with demon blood, she continued her silent monologue of _let's get out of here; don't hurt her_ as she led me out the door.

We walked down the hall and out of the building at a quick human pace so as not to draw attention to ourselves. I got in my Volvo, Alice climbed in next to me, and I drove out of town, as far from any humans as I could get. I didn't want to be tempted by any blood.

Edward what happened, what's going on?

"She's my singer."

Alice's eyes grew wide in shock. She knew exactly what I meant. For vampires, there is one human whose blood calls to them as no other, one whose blood satisfies our thirst as no other ever could, one whose blood sings for us.

This though - this was something new. In all the centuries vampires existed, there have been few vampires that have not drunk from humans. Our family, and a coven in Alaska, were the only ones, that I knew of, to live the way that we did. When a normal vampire found their singer there was no conflict as they drank and were satisfied. But, by choice, I denied myself human blood. This was the life I chose. I didn't even know what to do at this point, there were few people I could go to that could help. As soon as I thought that, Carlisle came to my head. I needed to talk to him; he would know what to do.

I quickly turned the car around. Alice having seen what I was planning, smiled, and tried to keep to herself so that I could think.

***************

I pulled up to the house. Currently, we were living outside of town in a house deep in the woods. Most of the outside was glass and wood. Although it didn't blend into the surroundings, it still seemed to fit somehow.

I turned off the car and went in the house. I could hear Emmett and Rosalie upstairs being intimate. Jasper was on the computer, in his room, until Alice came in. He immediately sensed the tension coming off of me and Alice. He came in and I felt waves of calm come over me "What's going on?" he asked, looking at both of us.

I ignored him and went to find Carlisle in his study. I stopped outside the door, waiting for his invitation to enter.

Come in, Edward

I opened the door and looked at him as he turned to me with a smile that slowly turned to confusion. In his mind, I could see that I looked worn, frantic and upset. _What's wrong?_

"Can we go for a run?" I just wanted to get out of the house and away from the listening ears I knew were around.

He nodded and we both took off out the back and started to run. It felt so good to let go, so I just ran for a while, not even paying attention to where we were going. I let my mind wander over what happened in sociology class and what I already knew of Bella.

Finally, Carlisle broke into my thoughts. _Is there a purpose to our run or are we practicing for a new marathon I'm unaware of._

I slowed, then stopped running. Sighing, I ran my hands through my hair. "Carlisle, I need your help."

_What could have you so troubled, Son? _

I didn't want to say it. I knew I would appear weak to admit it, but there was nothing I could do. I had always been strong and independent. It went against my nature to confide a problem in someone, but I knew I didn't have a choice. I sighed and looked at the ground so that I wouldn't see the disappointment in my father's eyes. "I met my singer today."

I heard Carlisle gasp. _What happened?_

I shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing. Alice was there and pulled me out of class."

_That's good. I am glad that you resisted. I can't imagine the struggle that had to be. But I fail to understand why you are so conflicted now. Are you worried and want to leave Seattle so that you aren't tempted? We can leave; you know the family will go with you. Or is this a person that you can avoid?_

I shook my head and sighed. I pinched the bridge of my nose not knowing how to explain the rest. It would be easy if I could leave or try to never see Bella again, just go where her blood no longer called to me, tempting me out of this life of restraint that I made for myself. After what Alice showed me, though, that is not an option. I felt pulled to her and hadn't been able to get her out of my mind. The idea of leaving and not seeing her hurt worse than the burn of her scent.

What's the problem then?"It's Bella." I looked at him. There was no accusation, no anger in his eyes anywhere, only sadness and understanding. "What do I do? I want to help her. The images that Alice showed me . . . hurt? Just seeing her pain caused me to want to protect her, but I can't do that. How do I help her through what is causing her pain when being with her makes me want to kill her." I was trying to explain something that I didn't understand.

Humans held little interest for me. I could read every myopic thought and desire they had. Every human just melded into one, great, big nothingness. I hadn't heard a new thought, or inclination, in decades. Vampires really weren't any better; but, because most others were nomadic, I wasn't burdened by their blood lusting, self-aggrandizing thoughts. Occasionally, there was someone who would peak my interest, but as soon as I spent even the smallest amount of time, with them I was bored, knowing they had nothing new to show me.

_I have no easy answers for you. A vampire's singer is a powerful thing. I've never heard of a vampire not giving in instantly to his singer. I'm proud of you, _Carlisle thought

"But what do I do going forward? I want to be able to help this girl, but I don't think I can do it. My killing her certainly won't help in the quest to keep her from kill herself."

_Again, I don't know. This is a decision that you will need to make. I will help you with whatever you decide. You have had more then eighty years of resisting human blood, to the point that it doesn't cause you the struggle that it once did. But to resist your singer's blood . . . I don't know how that will work, or even if it can work. But if anyone can do it, I know that you can. You are strong; I have faith in you. Whatever you decide, the family will support you._

Carlisle patted my shoulder and left me to think in peace. I knew this was a decision that I needed to make, but part of me wished that someone could make it for me. I stood there for hours trying to decide what I should do. The easy way out was to just to leave. It wouldn't be hard to do; I could just drop out of school, or say I got a job offer that I would be crazy to refuse. I'd wait until next year to come back, knowing that Bella would be gone by that point. As soon as the thought formed in my head, I felt ill. I was letting a human in pain die because of my weakness. That didn't seem fair. I felt that by ignoring her, I was killing her as much as if I would just drink her blood. Surely, drinking her blood would be far less painful than what she was experiencing, but I couldn't do that. I wouldn't end her life.

I didn't have Carlisle's faith that I could be around her and not let the monster take over. So the safe thing to do would be to leave, but that thought caused me pain. I was so confused. I didn't understand this pull I had towards her that made me want to be with her. And how could I reconcile that with the desire to kill her?

When dawn finally came, I had made the decision to watch Bella from as great a distance as I could. I had no clue how it would work, but I couldn't think of anything else. I hunted before I went back home. This was something I would be doing a lot more of, hoping that if I fed like a glutton, that it would keep some of the fire at bay.

Alice met me before I got to the house. _I'll help you and keep a look out for situations. I know this will be hard for you, but I'm glad that you're helping. Jasper has tried, but his attempts to make her happy doesn't seem to have had an effect. Emmett has even talked to her a few times, but Bella doesn't respond to him. Thanks for trying and not giving up. I __**will**__ make sure that you don't hurt her._

_I told the family that Bella is your singer. I hope that is ok. I know that they would have asked questions. It just seemed easier to tell them now then later. I know it will be ok._

I smiled at Alice, wishing I could have as much faith in me as she seemed to have.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Since this is a vampire story I thought I would continue with vampire FF recs. This week I am rec'ing Out of Choices by Picklewinkle.

Thank you sooooo much to my awesome Beta midnight serenade that helps me out so much. Without her this story wouldn't be possible! Thanks to Dani for doing a 2nd edit for me.

Again come chat on the Twilighted forum. There is a link on my profile. Come chat, ask questions, post Rob porn. anything :)

Lastly please review. I would love to hear your thoughts :) Plus you will get a teaser for chapter 4!


	4. Lunchtime Observations

**Chapter 4 – Lunchtime Observations**

Wednesday morning I walked into the quad after finishing early on a chem lab. It was a little after ten in the morning and I didn't have another class until two in the afternoon, so I decided to sit in the quad, hoping that Bella would come through at some point and I could observe her. I was trying to decide if I should talk to her and apologize for my actions last night or not say anything for fear that being with her would cause the monster in me to flare up and hurt her. I had tried looking for her in people's minds throughout the morning, but not even knowing if she had class or where she might be didn't help. There were too many people in this school to find her. I thought that maybe I should have asked Alice to figure out what her schedule was so that I could keep tabs on her, but that seemed stalkerish, so I was reluctant.

Rose and Emmett were already in the quad when I sat next to them. Emmett looked at me and raised his fist for me to bump. "My man, how are you doing?" S_taying away from Bella I presume?_

I snorted and bumped his fist. "I am doing just fine."

Rose glowered at me. "Edward." _I don't want to move, so figure out what you are going to do about your little human problem. _ I nodded in her direction. That was Rose. She worried about one thing. Herself. I knew that she struggled with being a vampire and if she had her way, she wouldn't have become one. Rose hated change and moving every 3-5 years so that humans didn't notice that we never aged. It took its toll on Rose more than the rest of us.

The only time that Rose, looked outside of herself or Emmett, her mate, was when she was working with battered women. As far as I knew ,that was the only soft spot that Rose had.

When Carlisle found Rosalie, she had been left for dead after having been raped by her fiancé and his friends. Rose worked in women's shelters in most of the places that we lived. She hated men that abused women. She also had very little support for women who went back into abusive relationships. However, she was very supportive of women who were trying to move on and get away. I had tried to explain, more than once, the mind set of women who had been beaten down mentally and emotionally as well as physically, and why they would go back to men that hurt them. Rose, being the type who never put up with anything, didn't get it and, frankly, didn't want to get it. Honestly, I couldn't say that I understood it either, but time and again I saw through the minds of abused women how dependant they were due to low self worth and how they felt they had no choice and couldn't do better. Rose, being so self-confident, would never understand, depending so much on an abusive man.

Emmett looked at me. "I am proud of you, bro. I remember when I met my singer, and restraint was the last thing I was thinking of." _It was back in 1942, and Rose had sent me out to do something. I was walking down the street and smelled this woman that was hanging her wash out on the line. I had never smelled anything like her, and before I could even think, I had my teeth in her neck and had sucked her dry. _Emmett remembered the scent and the taste of her blood.

"Not helping, Emmett!" I practically growled. The last thing I needed was Emmett's memory of his singer on top of my hunger for Bella's blood.

"Sorry, just saying that I know how tough that has to be." _I would honestly hate to see something happen to Bella. She seems like a good kid though; I would love to see her smile more._

I nodded at him. Conversation pretty much fizzled out after that. Rose and Emmett decided to engage in a PDA session. I did my best to ignore them and pretend that I was engrossed in a book.

I kept at it until I heard Alice calling to me at a little after eleven. _Edward, I'm coming into the quad with Bella. We'll sit far enough away from you that you won't be tempted by her scent. Jazz is going to sit with us. I was thinking that you could maybe send Em, over too. That way, there would be 3 of us close to her. We could maybe brush up against her so that some of her scent got on us, later you can be near us with a little of her scent to see if you can get use to it. I'm hoping that if you can smell her in controlled doses, maybe you can work up to being by her without killing her._

That was an interesting thought. Would it work? Plus, if I was with my family and the monster came out from smelling her scent on them I wouldn't hurt them like I could possibly hurt her. I guess it didn't hurt to try. I relayed Alice's plan to Emmett, and he was excited to try. Rose, of course, thought the whole thing was dumb and that ignoring Bella was a better idea. I hadn't explained to anyone the pull that I felt towards Bella.

I saw the three of them come in. They walked over to a table across the quad from me. Alice and Jasper sat down; Bella placed her bag down and told Alice she was going to grab something to eat. She then took a bag out of her backpack, opened it, and placed it on the same table the croissants were at yesterday. Today, it was a large bag filled with cookies.

She started to walk away but stopped and looked around, seeming a bit confused. She saw me and her eyes got huge, she blushed and looked down quickly. Before she looked away, I saw something flicker in her eyes, but it didn't look like fear.

Emmett got up and went to sit over with the others, telling Alice that he liked her plan. We all waited for Bella to return. I watched her through the minds of different people, making her way over to the deli. She tripped over nothing on the way, but caught herself before she fell. After her conversation on the phone Monday, I was interested to see what she would eat. Taking in her appearance, she did look so thin that it seemed a strong wind would blow her over.

After grabbing a ham sandwich, fruit bowl, and hot mint tea, she made her way back towards her table. I saw hesitation in her steps when she saw Emmett sitting at her table. She quietly sat down and smiled a tiny smile at him saying hello.

"Hey there, Belly Bear!" Emmett boomed. I raised my eye brows and looked at Rose.

_He is such an idiot. _Rose thought.

Bella rolled her eyes slightly. "Emmett, how many times do I have to explain to you that my name is Bella and not Belly? You would think for a guy that made it to college, you would know the difference between an A and a Y." Bella smile grew a bit larger, but, again, the smile didn't reach her eyes yet it was nice to see that she could joke.

Emmett reached over and put his hand on Bella's shoulder. "A, Y, they're all the same. You gotta admit that Belly Bear sounds better then Bella Bear."

Bella, who was already extremely pale, seemed to lose even more color, and jerked away from Emmett. I saw her start taking in shallow breaths. Jasper noted that Bella had anxiety coming off of her in waves and tried to calm her down. It looked like Bella was trying to smile, though it appeared more like a cringe. "Why not just call me Bella?" She reached into her bag and came out with a prescription bottle. She took out a pill and swallowed it.

I was listening to Emmett's thoughts and he was troubled that he had upset Bella so badly. Jasper kept trying to calm Bella down while Alice was trying to figure out what happened. Bella, of course, remained blank to me. What I wouldn't have given to know what she was thinking and what just happened. She obviously didn't like Emmett touching her, but why? Was it because he was so huge? Was it because of something he did to her in the past? What kind of drugs was she taking? I was willing to bet it was some kind of anti-anxiety medicine. If she had pills like that ready, did that mean that she took them often? Were they something else? I had so many questions, and, yet, no answers.

I looked over at Alice, catching her eye. I raised my eyebrows in question, asking her what Bella had taken. _I'm not sure what Bella just took, I didn't see it. I'll keep an eye out though. _I nodded to her and turned to look down so it seemed like I was reading a book. I didn't want people around me noticing how enthralled I was with Bella, and how I was unable to look away from her. I kept her face in my sights through the minds of my siblings sitting with her.

Emmett finally responded, "Cause it is more fun to tease you, that's why."

Bella picked up her mint tea and smelled it. "Well, if anyone here is a bear, it is you, Emmett. I mean, look at how huge you are. I am too little to be a bear." She took another big smell of her tea before setting it down. "I'm more like a bunny rabbit, small and quiet"

"Well, I'm glad you noticed what a big manly man I am." Emmett said, winking at her. Bella rolled her eyes at him. "How are your classes going this semester?" Emmett asked. The four of them then fell into discussing which classes they had and what their professors were like.

I kept a close eye on the table and watched every move Bella made. I saw her glance over in my direction a few times. Was she looking at me? I wondered, Bella stayed relatively quiet and didn't talk unless asked a direct question. She then answered, without saying anything more then asked of her. She picked at her food, more than eating any of it, and spent a lot of time smelling her tea, taking small sips. I found that extremely confusing, but admitted to myself that I didn't know much about human eating habits. I wondered if I should do some research to find out more since I was going to be keeping tabs on Bella.

While the talk of classes was going on, I noticed that whenever someone walked over to the area they were in, they grabbed a cookie and seemed to enjoy them a lot. From hearing people's thoughts, it seemed that Bella left some kind of baked good most days and people greatly enjoyed them. I wonder why she did that. I felt like the more I observed, the more questions I had about Bella, and I wasn't getting any answers.

"Are you going to the Kappa party on Friday?" Alice asked Bella.

"No."

Alice huffed. "Bella, why not? It will do you good to get out and have some fun. Plus, Mike isn't a Kappa, so you won't have to worry about him being there."

I didn't like the idea of Bella going to a frat party, especially one where I wouldn't be. Since this was a Kappa party I knew that, as a Beta, I wouldn't be able to crash it. I had no clue why I got a sudden tightening in my stomach just thinking of Bella going to this party, but I was glad that she didn't want to go. I hoped that Alice didn't talk her into it.

"Alice, I went to a party for you last Friday, remember? I don't need to go this Friday. Please just leave it!" I was so glad Bella was sticking to her guns and not letting Alice walk over her.

"Fine, skip this one, but you are going to more parties this semester!"

"Yes, Alice, just give me a few weeks to recover from the fun of the last one." The sarcasm that Bella used could not be ignored.

"Wait! Are you saying that you didn't have a great time at the Beta party?" Emmett looked like someone had killed his dog.

Bella sighed. "Emmett, I had fun at your Beta party! I am just not into drunken frat boys. Alice, here, is convinced that I need to get out and, no matter how much I tell her I'm fine, she ignores me."

"I'm not ignoring you! I just think that part of college is to experience getting out and having fun."

"And getting beer spilled on me and groped by random guys I don't know, while being in a basement too small for the number of sweaty people in it is fun? Yeah that is the exact college experience I signed up for."

"No, getting out of your house and having a beer or two to loosen up and dance is fun!"

"I don't like beer!" Bella then shocked me by sticking her tongue out at Alice and letting out a small chuckle. Her eyes also lost the emptiness for a bit, and a small amount of mirth seemed to be in them.

Alice laughed. "You just like to be difficult don't you?"

"Yep." Bella responded, popping the P. "That's my idea of fun! Making you mad gives me endless enjoyment." There was actually a twinkle in her eye. Not a lot, but even that small bit made my whole being sing. I wanted to see Bella happy all the time. Moreover, I wanted to see that twinkle in her eye because of me and something I had said.

Emmett laughed. "Bella, I knew I liked you for a reason!"

Alice huffed. "Bella, I'm going to get you out of that house, if it is the last thing I do!"

"Alice, what do you have against my house? You have never even been in it! It's a nice little place. Seriously, before you keep ragging on it, I think you should at least see it!"

"Your house is not the issue. The point is that you go to class, go to church, go to the hospital and nothing else. You moved here seven months ago and need to make some friends."

"I don't need friends. I am just fine as I am." What little light and emotion that had been in Bella's eyes was gone and replaced by the void again. She looked at her lap and picked at her shirt.

Alice leaned over and touched Bella's arm. "I'm your friend."

Bella looked up. "Yes, you are." Bella looked down at her watch and looked up at the table, "Listen I need to get going. I'll talk to you all later, okay?" She got up, leaned over and hugged Alice, whispering to her, "Thank you for caring." Then she walked out, throwing away most of the food that she had gotten.

I got up and walked over to my siblings, sitting down in the chair that Bella had just been in. It was still warm. I could smell her, and the fire in my throat burned. I was so thirsty. After a few moments, the thirst got to a point where I felt in control again, and I took a few breaths. I could hear the concern from my siblings and them hoping that I could control the monster.

"Jazz, what's Bella feeling?" I assumed sadness, but didn't know the depth of it.

"Honestly, the guilt and pain coming off of the girl makes it hard for me to even function. I don't know how she goes on day to day with the misery she feels. Even at the end when she was hugging Alice, there wasn't much of a break in the misery."

I looked at Alice, who, I think, would be crying if she could. "I just wish she didn't hurt so much." Then Alice seemed to get a hold of herself and looked at me. "Do you think it will help being exposed to her scent little by little like this?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think it's a great idea. Sitting here just after she left was painful but I can function right now. I think being exposed is a good idea. Maybe it will help, because I would like to be able to talk to her. Speaking of talking to her, what did you tell her about last night?"

"I told her that it was a misunderstanding. That Jazz thought that Rose had hurt herself but that she was fine. Bella didn't ask anything, really."

I was thinking about how to expose myself to more of Bella's scent and I figured that if I knew where she was, it might've helped me figure out ways to smell her without being directly with her. "Alice, where is Bella going to be the rest of the day?"

Alice scanned through Bella's future. I saw her in class for the next hour and then heading to a small house on the outskirts of town, going to a Bible study tonight, and then having dinner at her house with some people I didn't know.

"Wait! Bella is going to church? But she wants to killer herself. Don't those two go against each other?"

Emmett snorted. "That does sound a bit odd."

"I have no idea. I know that Bella is pretty active in her ch,urch and goes to service every Sunday. Then on Sunday morning and Wednesday night, she goes to a Bible study and hangs out with her church friends. I haven't figured out how to ask her about it yet."

Interesting. I had class this afternoon but then maybe I would head out to Bella's and follow her around a bit. I kept telling myself it was so that I could get used to her scent and learn more about her. I didn't listen to the part of me that said it was just because I didn't want to be away from her.

* * *

A HUGE thank you to Midnite Serenade, my most awesomest Beta who not only is a grammar queen but is also wonderful at walking through plot points with me!!!!

Thanks for Dani for doing a final Beta

I own nothing Twilight related but this story is my own plot so please don't steal it!

My Rec for this week is The Fallout by OCDindeed. Awesome story of a different possibility of plot after Edward left in New Moon!

Thank you to all that are reading!! Please review and tell me what you think so far come play on the Twilighted forum, link on my profile :)


	5. Recon

**Chapter 5 - Recon**

It was 3:30 in the afternoon and I found myself in a tree outside of Bella's house. I felt like such a peeping tom but I needed to see her. I was at a loss as to this pull that this simple human girl had over me. I knew she was my singer and I was drawn to her blood like no other. I knew that I couldn't hear her thoughts, and that had never happened with before with anyone else. I knew that she was sadder than anyone that I ever noticed before. I didn't know which of these, or the combination of them all that caused me to _need_ to be with her, but I just knew that I did.

So here I was. Outside her house. Listening to her heart beat, her breathing, her walking around. I would catch glimpses of her through the kitchen window as she was preparing a dinner of some kind. I was confused because it looked like a lot of food, more than what a typical person would eat and far more then I had ever seen Bella eat. I watched her put a big chunk of some kind of meat in a pot of some kind that plugged in the wall. She then went about cutting carrots and peeling potatoes that she added to the dish that the meat was in. She then seasoned it all. She seemed very at ease in her kitchen and like it was something that she was familiar with. I listened to her hum along to classical music that she had playing in the background.

When she was done she sat down at the table and pulled a school book out of her bag. I didn't get a chance to see what it was before she was engrossed in it, highlighting and taking notes. She read for over an hour and I wondered how deep her concentration was and if she could be distracted easily or not. Something told me that she would not be. I wondered what it would be like to be with her and have her give me that kind of undivided attention. Would I be uncomfortable? I knew that I was watching her with the same level of concentration she afforded her book. If she sensed me, would she be uncomfortable?

Bella finally put her book away and turned her music off. After making herself a cup of tea, she came out to the back porch where there were a table and chairs and a glider. She sat on the glider holding her tea and just swung for a time. There was no expression on her face to let me know what kind of thoughts she was having, but she didn't seem particularly troubled. As earlier in the day, she spent a lot of time sniffing her tea. I had never really observed a human do that before, so I assumed this was a quirk of Bella's. I admit that there was a part of me that was happy to know that I was aware of her enough to see such quirks and wondered if she had others.

Bella sat swinging and just thinking when her little brow furrowed a bit. She started to look around, concentrating on the trees that surrounded her property where I was hiding observing her. The way the property was set up, there were trees lining the back, east and a good portion of the west side of the property. I, too, looked around trying to see what had caught her attention. There was nothing near by; I could smell nothing nor hear the thoughts or footsteps of any intruders. Something had peaked Bella's interest though. I knew that I had made no noise, so felt confident it wasn't me.

Bella went back to swinging and the furrow in her brow lessened but never went away. Periodically she would look around as if expecting to see something, but nothing was there. I just wanted to go down and ask her what it was she was looking for. If I was truthful I just wanted to go down and sit with her. I felt a tugging at me to be closer to her. It was almost as if there was a rope between us that was trying to pull me to her and I had to resist the tugging.

I dared not go near her though. First, I would have no explanation for why I was coming out of the woods behind her house. Second, even from here my throat burned as the wind brought her mouthwatering scent to me. My mouth was constantly full of venom and I did not feel being any closer to Bella would be safe.

I watched Bella get up from her glider and go back in her house. She puttered around for a bit, rinsing her tea cup, going to the bathroom, brushing her hair and grabbing some books and a pan of something. She locked up her house and got in her car. I quickly ran through the woods to where I had my car parked around the block. I saw her coming down the road and followed her at a distance until she pulled up at Atonement Lutheran Church. I parked down the road and prepared myself to watch Bella through the minds of those around her. I was interested in seeing her at church. It seemed an unlikely place for someone wanting to kill themselves to hang out.

I tuned into see who was at the church and was surprised to find Ben there with his fiancée Angela. I knew that Ben was a good guy and that his fiancée was a Pastor's kid, but I didn't know he was active in church, too. Though, I guess if I cared to pay attention that would make sense. Along with Ben, Angela, and Bella there were 5 other people in the room.

Angela's father, Pastor Weber, noticed Bella come in his thoughts had a tenor of extreme concern for her. I heard him mentally assess her and how she looked today compared to how he had seen her on Sunday. He noted the circles under her eyes, the thinness of her body, and the lack of emotion in her eyes. He decided that she looked much the same, with the exception of a little color in her face. It appeared that Pastor Weber was keeping a secret from Bella: he communicated regularly with a Pastor from Bella's home town. Both were extremely concerned about Bella and it seems both guessed that her depression included suicidal thoughts. Pastor Weber didn't know what her past was but felt fatherly towards her and, it seemed, worried over her a great deal.

I skimmed the thoughts of the other people in the group and all of them noted Bella and most seemed to have genuine concern for her and her well being. None of them knew much about her. I also caught in the thoughts of more than a few of them that they had talked to Pastor Weber about their worry over Bella. Pastor Weber had told them that he knew little, but he was trying to reach out to her.

There was one person though, whose thoughts caught my attention and set me on edge. One Jacob Black. His thoughts were focused on Bella and had a much more personal note to them. His thoughts reflected times that he had seen Bella and hung out with her. He had made it his mission to get her to smile each time he saw her. He didn't think possessive thoughts toward her but definitely had a soft spot for hoped that in time something could grow from that.

I was angry. I was livid! Before I knew what I was doing, or could reflect on my possessive thoughts toward Bella, I was out of the car stalking toward the church. I felt my phone vibrate.

Alice was calling. "Hello dearest sister." I growled out.

"What are you doing Edward?" Alice asked in a very pointed fashion.

"Going for a walk." I knew that the answer wouldn't fly. Alice must have been watching me and saw that I was going to go make an ass of myself at the church. I don't even know what I planned on doing specifically, but none of the options I had been thinking of were good ones.

"Um hum,l going for a walk were you? How about you walk back to your car and calm down. You can't exactly walk in and confront someone you don't know because you don't like what they are thinking! Observe and see if there is anything to even worry about. I have a feeling that you will see that things are ok."

"Wait a minute! What have you seen Alice? You've seen something. What is it?" If Alice knew something about Bella seeing this guy I wanted to know about it.

"Nope, I'm not going to tell you a thing. This is something you need to figure out for yourself. But I promise it's good!" Alice was practically gloating.

I growled. "Alice, tell me what's going on!"

Alice just laughed and hung up the phone. I sighed and knotted my hands in my hair in frustration. I loved my pixie like sister but there were times I would give anything to strangle her. What did she mean that things were ok? I sighed and stalked back to my car and got in.

While I had been dealing with Alice and preparing to make an idiot of myself it seemed that the Bible study had gotten underway. I was happy to see that Bella wasn't sitting in the open seat next to Jacob but had taken a seat next to Angela. Maybe she didn't like this Jacob character. I mean just because they were at the same church didn't mean that they were friends. I was purposely forgetting the thoughts of Jacob and Bella doing things together that were in his head earlier.

I listened in on their study. It seemed they were going through Ephesians. All the people in the group seemed to be in their 20's. Although, they spent more time laughing and joking than anything else, they got a lot of theology covered. It seemed like they were all having a great time. I was surprised how free Bella seemed. I hadn't thought of her as guarded; but seeing her here compared to at school, it was obvious that she was a very guarded person in some circumstances. This was not one of them. I watched her joke with her friends and offer amazing insight into passages and their meaning in the Bible and their relevancy for life today. She obviously had more than a passing knowledge of the Bible, and again I was surprised by this and the fact that she wanted to kill herself. But through all of this her eyes remained closed off to emotion. Sometimes I caught a flicker of something, but usually her smiles and laughter didn't reflect in her eyes.

While watching Bella through the minds of others I was able to glean much information about her relative to them. They noticed how emotionless she seemed. They noted when Bella attempted a joke or laughed about something. Most people in the group seemed to want to help her, and most had tried, but none knew what to do. All of them were impressed with her Biblical knowledge and looked to her for insight on things. Pastor Weber, it seemed, thought very highly of her and appreciated that she challenged him with questions and constantly sought deeper insight into what they were talking about. She didn't take pat answers and always wanted to know more.

It was enthralling watching Bella in this study. I had never put much stock in God or heaven or hell. I knew that as a vampire I was damned and there was no hope for me. I had explored most world religions at some point in the last 80 years and found them all wanting and none seemed to go beyond giving comfort to the masses. But I found myself listening to Bella and watching her and I wanted to be in the room so that I could ask her more and find out why she thought as she did on different passages. I wanted to ask her if she thought that even vampires could be saved if there was in fact a God. I was so confused. Everything this human girl did held my attention and had me wanting more.

The thought that I was considering going into a church to join a Bible study so that I could be closer to Bella was absurd in the highest degree, but that is the power she held over me. Again I tried to figure out what it was that made me so obsessed with Bella but I had no answers.

As the Bible study wrapped up, Ben got a phone call. His mother fell and was being taken to the hospital. Ben turned to Bella and apologized that he would have to go and not be able to do dinner. Bella shrugged him off and told him to take care of his mom and to call her if he needed anything. I figured this was why Bella had made so much food earlier in the day; she was expecting company. Then I caught _his_ thoughts. Jacob was excited that he would have Bella to himself, something he had been trying to achieve for months but had never happened.

"Well Bella, it looks like it is just you and I. If it's ok if I still come over?" Jacob's thoughts held expectation but, to be fair, also apprehension that he was pushing Bella. He obviously was aware that she was tentative around people but still wanted to get to know her since all of his conversations with her had been barely on the surface and held no personal information or knowledge. His thoughts were akin to a school boy crush and held little depth to them, but they still angered me. In frustration I ripped my hands through my hair forcefully tugging. I didn't know why I was so upset but I knew that the idea that this boy wished that he could have a claim on Bella aggravated me.

Through his thoughts I saw Bella pale and look around like a trapped animal. "Umm . . . yeah th – that's um f-fine".

I growled seeing how uncomfortable Bella was. She obviously didn't want to be alone with this person. Had he done something to her? I saw nothing in his thoughts that showed he had ever touched her or even tried to touch her, but I couldn't think of anything else to explain Bella's reaction.

Jake saw her hesitancy and, to give him credit, (though I was loathe to do so) felt bad and decided to rescind his comment. "Bells, don't worry about it. I'm sure that I can find plenty to eat at home. I can catch you on Sunday, right?"

I saw Bella visibly compose herself through Jacob's mind. She squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. "Jake it's no biggie. I would love to have you over. I have a huge roast cooking and there is no way I can eat it myself."

Jacob regarded her; he noted her hesitancy and decided that he would go but was prepared to leave if she was too uncomfortable. My thoughts turned to what I would like to do to this boy if he made her uncomfortable.

Through Jacob's eyes I watched Bella walk out. Her gate seemed shakier than the walk I had witnessed before with her. This only reinforced in my mind that she was not comfortable being with Jacob. I had witnessed nothing in his thoughts to indicate that he had harmed her in the past, but her hesitancy caused me to wonder.

As Bella left the church I watched her get in her car. She leaned her head back and took several deep breaths. I heard her repeat "You can do this; it's only Jake; he won't hurt you." After saying this several times she took a deep breath and shook her head. She leaned over, grabbed her purse, took out a bottle of pills, and swallowed one down with no water.

Bella took one more deep breath, started her car, and drove out of the parking lot. I followed her home, keeping tabs on Jacob. I listened to his thoughts and saw his concern for Bella. I witnessed her over the previous months through Jacob's memories, he was thinking of, and it was much the same as what I had seen with Alice. I saw her talking to Ben and Angela, and a few other people periodically. Still she seemed to sit by herself for church service, unless someone purposely came and sat with her. She gave few smiles but none that lit her eyes.

Jacob was making plans in his head for ways he could break through to Bella and get her to talk about herself and her past. I admit I was conflicted. I wanted him to get her to talk so that I could learn more about her, but I also wanted her to not be comfortable enough to open up to this boy.

When Bella got home she pulled into the drive and waited for Jacob to get out of his car. I left my car a few blocks away like I had earlier and went back to the spot behind her house I had been in this afternoon.

Jacob had followed Bella into the kitchen and stood against a counter on the opposite side of the room from her. He had decided to give her space and not crowed her in any way. She offered him a drink and had a glass of water for herself.

"Dinner smells great Bells." Jacob was use to frozen pizza and fast food. He looked forward to Wednesdays when Bella had him and Ben and Angela over for home cooked meals.

Bella blushed. "It's no big deal, throw the meat in a slow cooker, add some veggies and some potatoes, turn it on and call it good. Even you could handle it Jake." She turned and winked at him and giggled, though it seemed forced to me.

"Bella, Bella, Bella I could burn water. Trust me. Some day you are going to make some man very happy." Jake thought that she would make him very happy and had a fantasy of Bella welcoming him home after a hard day at work with a meal all ready for him. I growled.

Bella, who had been moving around the kitchen, stopped cold and blanched. With a soft voice she said. "I am sure there are more important things to worry about when choosing a wife."

"Yeah but it would be a nice bonus."

Bella grabbed some plates and started to set the table. She moved around the kitchen and tripped a few times. Jacob was rambling on about his job as an auto mechanic. I'm not even sure Bella was listening to anything he said. I saw her a few times though the window and her eyes seemed glassy. I didn't know why - if it was the drug she had taken, if she was day dreaming, or if she was just tuning Jacob out.

I was happy that for dinner Bella had placed the plates such that she and Jacob were on opposite ends of the table. Jacob kept the conversation light during dinner, hoping Bella would open up, but she didn't. She answered all the questions Jacob had with minimal words and little expression. She offered nothing more than was asked. She also didn't eat more than 2 bites, instead spent her time pushing food around her plate.

By the time dinner and dessert were over Jacob was slightly frustrated that Bella hadn't opened up much and appeared agitated. He wanted to help her and have her depend on him. He viewed himself as some kind of white knight sent to fix Bella and all of her problems. I snorted at the thought. From what I had seen Bella needed help but wasn't looking for anyone to "fix" her or rescue her. She was very independent and needed someone who would help her but not overpower her and try to take control.

Dinner was finished and Jacob was looking for a reason to stay longer. Bella anticipated what Jacob was going to try and commented about how much school work she had already and that she was going to stay up tonight to get a head start on a paper. Jacob took the hint and got ready to leave. Bella packed up a huge portion of dinner and the pie she had made as leftovers for him. She joked that it would feel him better in the coming week than McDonald's every day.

Jacob looked at Bella on his way out and thought about giving her a hug. I growled and found myself starting to stalk to Bella's house to stop him, when I remembered where and who I was and that I couldn't walk in and stop him. Bella again seemed to know Jacob's intentions and took a few steps back and thanked him for coming over. Jacob sighed to himself and thanked her for dinner.

I don't know who gave a bigger sigh of relief when Jacob walked out the door, me or Bella. Bella went in the kitchen and started to clean up the mess. I watched her through the window and saw her making jerkier and jerkier movements until finally she started to just pace back and forth, her breathing and heart rate accelerated alarmingly. All of a sudden she screamed and stomped down the hall. A light went on in what I thought was Bella's room. She went to a dresser and pulled out some clothes. At this point I turned away because I was not a peeping tom who watched a lady change.

A few minutes later I heard her go back down the hall then Evanescence started playing loudly and I heard a treadmill start up. Bella started running and kept running at a pretty furious pace for over an hour. I watched her and the entire time her brow was furrowed and she would randomly utter sentences like she was in the middle of a conversation but none of them ran together and made no sense. Finally she began to slow down and walked to cool down.

When she was done she wiped her face with a towel and got off the tread mill. She walked over to a wall and slid down it pulling her legs in tightly against her chest. She lightly banged her head against the wall and sighed. I would give so much to know what was going through her mind.

Forty-five minutes later she slowly got up and took a shower. I left assuming she was heading to bed. I needed to think about what I had seen tonight and decide if I wanted to talk to Alice about it. I also was trying to figure out if and when I should try approaching Bella. I wanted to interact with her so badly but didn't want to put her in danger. Being outside of her house, where her scent was so strong, for so many hours today made my throat burn. But I knew that being around her scent helped because by the time I left, the burning was under control and I didn't feel like the monster inside of me was trying to break out. He was there but I didn't fear at that point he would win.

As I ran back to my car I was aware of the pull that made me want to stay close to Bella. It was like my body reacted to my leaving her. I needed to leave this girl that was a study in contradictions; she went to church yet listened to Evanescence; she didn't eat yet baked for everyone at college; she didn't want to spend the evening with someone yet forced herself to do so. Would I ever get answers to all the things I wondered about?

* * *

AN

I need to send a HUGE shout out to midnight serenade who Beta's for me. Seriously this story is what it is because of her. She is wonderful and bounces ideas around with me and edits my horrible grammar! If you see her on Twilighted she goes by Elizabeth Masen, tell her she rocks!!!

I am posting this early because I know that Hev was looking for something to read. I don't know if she is still up but if so here you go sweetie, hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Lastly Rec. The Delicate Dance of Marriage by funkydiva1978 - this is an insanely awesome fan fic. AH and will mess with your mind. Sooooo good. Please go read it!!!!

So please Review!!! I respond to them all and I love hearing what you think. Do you like stalkerward? I gotta admit I love stalkerward!!!!! Are you worried about Jacob???


	6. If my Heart could Race

**Chapter 6 – If my Heart could Race**

I was in the quad for lunch today waiting for her. I knew that she would be here in 17 minutes. Alice had class at this time and had planned the whole thing last night. Before I had even gotten home she had been waiting to talk to me away from the others so that we had privacy.

_Edward I have looked up and down at Bella and Jacob's future together and there isn't one. _ There was an impish light in her eyes; I knew that she was hiding something but she was purposely shutting me out of her thoughts by singing Brittany Spears in her head. I cringed.

"Why would I care if she has a future with him?" I tried to play it nonchalantly. I didn't want to show how much I did not want that very thing to happen, since I couldn't figure out why I was so opposed to it.

Alice laughed and winked at me. _That's for me to know and you to figure out brother of mine!_ I love my sister, I really do. In my family of vampires Alice and I have a special bond. We were the freaks among the freaks. Alice seemed in tune to me in ways that the other weren't. I looked at her as more than a sister, she was my best friend and confidant. But she still drove me crazy when she knew things that she didn't want to share, particularly when those things had to do with me or things I wanted to know. I was especially irritated today as I wanted to know what she had seen about Bella.

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "What do you see? Is she no longer planning on taking her life?"

Alice looked down and frowned, _no that hasn't changed. But I'm hopeful now that it will. _

I looked at her shocked. "Really what happened? What's changed to give you hope?"

Alice skipped away. _Not telling, I promise you'll see and be the first to know, well after me that is. Now come on we have to plan for tomorrow!!!_

I growled and reminded myself that I loved my sister and that if it was important she would tell me. It wasn't like her to be this closed off about something. I had no clue what it meant but I was hopeful that things would work for Bella.

As we got home I saw that everyone was at the dining room table; this indicated a family conference. I was surprised as I didn't know anything that would entail the entire family meeting. Alice skipped inside and took a chair next to Jasper. I followed taking a seat by Carlisle. I listened to everyone's thoughts and saw that no one knew what was going on. Alice asked that we meet and the imp was blocking me still, now translating the Declaration of Independence into Russian.

Alice started talking in a grave overly dramatic voice, "I have called us all together tonight for a matter of the gravest importance. . . how we as a family are going to deal with lunch tomorrow!" She giggled.

Mine and my family's thoughts were confused and disoriented. None of knew what Alice was talking about. Esme was particularly befuddled as she didn't go to college with us and so never really interacted with us outside the house.

"Ok here is the plan. Tomorrow, Emmett and Rose sit off to the side, you know the table in the corner that Bella always claims. She will get out of class at 11 and sit with you until you leave for your class at 11:30. Rose sit with your back to everyone and Emmett to her side. Let Bella sit against the wall since she seems to like to.

"Edward, you and Jasper can sit 5 tables over." She gave me a stern look. "Do NOT approach her tomorrow! You are NOT ready. Let Edward sit in the eastern chair, that way he can see Bella the easiest." She explained while looking at Jasper.

"Now at some point I am sure that Mike Newton will make a disgusting comment to Bella, since he always does, I am counting on you Rose to put him in his place. He is intimidated by you." Rose snorted. She was incredulous that we were planning a lunch to help a human and wanted no part of it; but now she was conflicted because the idea of providing a smack down to Mike was difficult to pass up.

"Aw, why can't I say something to him?" Emmett was excited and going over insults in his head.

"Nope, tomorrow I need Rose to step up and put Mike in his place." Alice was very aware that the easiest way to get Rose to help was to dangle something she wanted in front of her.

I listened to Carlisle and Esme who both were happy that Alice was trying so hard to help Bella. Esme in particular wished she could take an active role; she really wanted to meet Bella but knew there wasn't an obvious cover story for her to do so.

"Ok those are your assignments for tomorrow! Tomorrow at 11:12 you had all better be in place!" Alice was so excited she looked like she was going to burst.

**************

So here we all were in place today waiting for Bella. I scanned the thoughts of people coming in looking to see if I could find her. I saw her coming in the West door and spoke loud enough for my siblings to hear, but not loud enough to catch the attention of the humans around me. She came in and up the stairs, pausing when she saw who was at her table, then continued forward placing her bag on the floor.

"Belly Bear! I knew you would show up!" Emmett boomed out.

Rose who was not happy to be there decided that as long as she was she should at least make an effort. "Shut up you big dork, hi Bella."

Bella smiled and looked at Emmett, "Hi there Emmy, Hi Rose"

Emmett guffawed and Rose chuckled. "Emmy???"

"Sure, if you can't figure out my name I figured I'd forget yours." She winked at him.

Rose laughed, "Sounds reasonable to me." Rose was deciding that Bella may not be half bad, but she still didn't want to get to know her. She liked people that gave as well as they got. Up until now Bella was so quiet that Rose wasn't interested but now that she saw that Bella had a bit of fire she would tolerate her. Rose could be a pompous ass at times.

"Yeah but Emmy's a girl name. Can't you find a studly name for me? Mr. Big? Hot Bod? Man of your Dreams??" Emmett waggled his eyebrows and Rose smacked him on the head.

Bella blushed a deep scarlet and was wide eyed. After a moment she composed herself "Well if you don't like Emmy I am sure I can come up with something else. Pookie? Cupcake?"

Rose laughed. Emmett sputtered, "I think Emmy was better."

Bella giggled very lightly. Abruptly she stopped and furrowed her brow. She shook her head and dug in her bag and pulled out some bread. Now my curiosity was piqued. I know I didn't see or smell any bread in her house from yesterday, and I would have if she had made it before I showed up. Did this mean that she didn't go to sleep after I left last night? It was after midnight. Surely she had gone to bed. I knew, from talking to Alice, that she had an 8:30 class this morning, which meant if she had stayed up baking bread she had gotten very little sleep.

I again made a close inspection of her and saw that she had deep dark circles under her eyes, a strain on her face, and her shoulders and neck looked tense. She did not look like someone that had slept for 6 hours the night before. Her hair was hanging down on her haggard face and her t-shirt and jeans hung off her small frame. But for all of this she looked beautiful to me.

Huh? Beautiful? Why had I thought that? I didn't stop to consider humans and whether they were attractive or not. Vampires are known for their beauty. It is one of our predatory traits to draw in unsuspecting humans. They are drawn to our beauty when we want them to be. But for all the strained and worn appearance of this human girl, she was beautiful to me. Not in a classic sun bleached blond way, but in a wholesome way. It was almost as if I could see what she would look like if she wasn't so worn by the cares of the world. I wanted her to look like that. For the world to see how beautiful she was.

It was not escaping my notice that this simple girl was causing me to feel things that I hadn't ever felt as a vampire. When we change from human to vampire we become a permanent construct of what we are at that point. Our likes and dislikes don't change, our personalities stay fixed. Nothing changes. The only time vampires experience any change is when they find a mate, which is a permanent life altering event for a vampire. Many of our human traits lay dormant when we become vampires. The traits we bring with us are different for everyone. I brought my curiosity and pragmatism and left much of my softer romantic ideals behind, assuming I used to have any. Since meeting this girl, I found myself feeling softer emotions and having more fanciful whims that I had before.

Bella put her breads on the same table she had used on other days and went off, I presumed, to get lunch. Like every other day I had seen her she looked around, as she walked; there was a hitch in her step when she saw me. After spending so much of the day yesterday observing her, could pick out her breath and heartbeat. I heard her breath stop and her heart rate go up. She quickly turned and went back to getting her food for the day.

Rose was busy telling Emmett that she liked that Bella kept him on his toes and that he was acting like an idiot. Secretly she was looking forward to calling Emmett Pookie in the future to rub it in. Jasper was pretty quiet next to me. I hadn't heard him make mention or think much about Bella. So I decided to ask him.

"Jasper, what do you think of all this?"

His thoughts were quick and random and finally settled down _She is an extremely troubled girl and I would love to see her not be so. Alice is quite enamored with her, and you know what makes Alice happy, makes me happy. But I do have reservations of getting ourselves so involved with a human. Plus I will be honest. The emotions coming off of you have me worried that there is more to this girl then meets the eye. _ I looked at him wondering what emotions he was talking about. _Edward, come on. Your emotions are all over the board and fluctuate with amazing speed. From frustration, to elation, to passion, to anger, to excitement, to fear, to wonder, and that was just as she walked in the room. Edward, you are usually_ overly_ in control of your emotions, burying most, but this girl has you all over the board. It concerns me._

I knew he was correct. Emotionally I was a whirlwind with Bella and I had no answers for it. "I think it is just confusion. She is my singer and I can't hear her thoughts. I am sure that is all the explanation there is for why my emotions are so muddled."

Jasper snorted. _Yeah that's it. Keep telling yourself that._

Bella returned at this point, bringing with her only a cup of tea. I made a mental note to do research this weekend on caloric intake and a study of foods so that I could keep a mental tally of what Bella was eating verses what she should be eating.

Bella sat down and started smelling her tea. Honestly I was going to have to ask her about that. But not today. I knew that if Alice was adamant that I not talk to Bella today she was doing so for her safety. I wondered when I would be able to talk to her. Surely I would have to before next Tuesday nights class. Maybe I needed to better prepare myself to be around her mouthwatering scent. I would have to do some thinking about that.

Bella and Emmett were chatting quietly, and Rose was ignoring them both when I heard Mike's thoughts. He was hoping Bella was around and planned on asking her out. I growled softly just thinking of that unimaginative idiot being with Bella. What upset me even more was his vision of her. While I knew little about Bella, I did know that her idea of fun would not be a frat party in which he imagined her grinding against him. His thoughts spiraled downhill at that point imagining Bella in many sexual endeavors with him.

He walked in the quad and looked to see if Bella was at the table she normally sat at. He was surprised to see Emmett and Rose there, as she usually ate alone. He paused to consider his options and decided to keep his plan thinking that Emmett, as a fellow Beta, would support him.

"Bella, baby, how you doing today?" He thought he was incredibly charming; I thought he was nauseating. From the look on Bella's face I was guessing she thought more along the lines of what I thought then what Mike did.

"I am just fine Mike." She didn't even fully look up at him when she answered. In fact her shoulders hunched and she seemed to draw in on herself and almost cower in the corner. She rubbed her hands around the leather cuffs she wore on her wrists worrying her bottom lip.

"I was thinking. Why don't you come to the Beta party tomorrow night? I know it isn't with the Phi Mu's but if you were my date it would be cool if you were there!"

Bella's eyes widened in shock and she started stuttering not even knowing what to say. Rose helped her out. "Mike sorry, Bella won't be able to make your little party. She's busy."

Mike was not happy to have Rose answer and looked at Bella. "Well what are you doing?"

"She's scrubbing the bathroom floor with her toothbrush or something infinitely more interesting that hanging out with you. Don't worry she's got it covered. Go find someone else to torture." Rose said with complete aplomb. While Rose may not be my closest sibling there were times when her crude language came in handy.

"Whatever, Hale." Mike said with a huff and walked off. Mike liked to use people's last names; he thought it made him seem cooler. While all of us considered ourselves Cullen's, the story we were using right now didn't allow all of us to use it as a surname. Since Rose and Jasper were "related" they were using Rose's human last name of Hale. I was using my old human last name of Masen. For some reason I was always slightly uncomfortable being addressed as Edward Masen and not Edward Cullen, even though I knew it was all on paper and not real. I was proud to be a Cullen.

Rose turned to Bella, "I hope you aren't mad at me for getting rid of that idiot, but seriously you have been turning him down for months, you would hope by now he would get a clue."

Bella just nodded. She was even more pale then normal and her hands shook as she grabbed her tea and inhaled it deeply. I glanced at Jasper who I knew was watching everything I was. _She is terrified. I have no clue why but her fears are real to her right now._

Emmett was looking at Bella with concern. He noted her rapid heart rate and shallow breaths and had no clue what was going on either. "Hey there little one, are you ok?" Many people are shocked to see Emmett, who is such a huge guy, have a softer side. He does, but usually only shows it to family. He was genuinely concerned for Bella but after her panicking yesterday didn't want to touch her or get closer.

Bella closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She grabbed her tea inhaled it, and took a sip. She looked over at Emmett and attempted a smiled. "I'm fine Emmett, just sick of dealing with people that can't take no for an answer."

Emmett nodded and dropped the subject, though I knew he wanted to push it. I looked at Jasper again to see what Bella was feeling now. _She's under control now. I can still feel the latent fear but it's suppressed and she's back to hiding her emotions behind sadness and guilt. She seems to try to repress her feelings all the time. I can't imagine what pain she is feeling if what I get from her is the repressed version._

I cringed just thinking about it. Emmett chatted with Bella for a few more minutes and left to go to class. As Rose got up, she winked at Emmett. "Come on Pookie; let's get going!"

"Oh Baby!!!! Bella I am so going to get back at you!" Emmett was hoping Rose would drop the Pookie fast but didn't expect she would. He then started coming up with new things to call Bella.

After they left Bella took out her laptop and drank her tea while waiting for it to boot up. She looked around and caught my eye. She looked down and a few seconds later looked at me again. She smiled a small hesitant smile and I swear if I still had a beating heart it would have stopped, knowing this beautiful girl smiled at me. I smiled back at her and she blushed and looked down at her laptop and started typing.

Jasper was next to me and started laughing. I looked at him and cocked my eye brow in question. _Nope. Don't even ask. This is all for you to figure out brother._ I sighed, what was with my family keeping secrets all the sudden? First Alice and now Jasper. It was starting to aggravate me, which of course Jasper picked up on. _Don't get upset with me. Trust me this is something you need to figure out yourself. No amount of telling will get it done. Listen I need to head off to class, don't do anything stupid ok?_

I rolled my eyes and nodded. I turned my full attention back to Bella. I wondered what she was typing, what she was doing for the rest of the day, how her morning classes had gone, if she really had stayed up late the night before making bread, if she had eaten a big breakfast, which I doubted. I wanted to know everything about her.

Suddenly she looked up again and caught me staring at her. I wondered if that made her uncomfortable? I couldn't help but watch her. She smiled another small smile, but it was larger than the last one. I couldn't believe this. I was acting like a girl; I was measuring how big each smile Bella gave me was. I smiled back at her and winked, just to see her blush again; which she did. She ducked her head but looked up at me through her eye lashes and was there a twinkle there? So far they had been mostly empty, but now there was something there and I felt my stomach clench up. It fluttered and I felt . . . what did I feel? There was something that I couldn't put my finger on because I hadn't felt it before.

"Hey there handsome, what'cha doing?" The most nasally voice asked. As I looked, Jessica Stanley sat down in an open chair next to me. I was inundated with her thoughts of stripping me and having sex on the table in front of us. I was disgusted. Why oh why can't vampires vomit, because that seemed the most appropriate response.

"Jessica. I am doing nothing right now other then enjoying some quiet time." I hoped she would get the point but doubted I would get that lucky. Bella looked up and saw Jessica talking to me. Her brow furrowed and she looked quickly away. Something flashed in her eyes but I couldn't catch the emotion before she looked down.

Jessica noted in her head that I was watching Bella and became mad. She didn't like that Mike liked Bella, whom she thought was a freak and below herself, but if I was paying attention to her that was worse. She, along with all the humans around here, had noted that I didn't hook up with any girls (or guys) and so Jessica wasn't overly upset that I ignored her. But now that she thought I had an interest in a girl she was not happy it wasn't her. She wanted to confirm I had no real interest in Bella. "Really? Cause it looks like you are kinda freak watching. I wouldn't waste my time if I were you. That's all she does- sits at her computer and doesn't talk to anyone. She doesn't know how to make a guy happy, not like I can."

I again was treated to visions of all the ways that Jessica would like to make me happy. Forget vomiting, bleach on the brain would be a better long term fix. "Really Jessica, you think you could make me happy? You don't know the first thing about making me happy."

Jessica leaned closer to me and put her hand on my arm, "Oh don't worry I promise I could make you very happy."

Bella looked up and saw Jessica's hand on my arm and the look that crossed her face could only be one of hurt. She shut her lap top and quickly got up to leave. I followed her with my eyes, incredibly pissed at Jessica for her antics and making Bella believe that we were together. I could pick the glee out of Jessica's head, knowing Bella thought we were dating. I wanted to smack her; I didn't care if she was a girl. "Well I doubt it Jessica. Washed up skanks really aren't my thing." I got up and left. If Esme ever found out I said that to a girl she would box my ears, but I couldn't find it in me to regret even one word.

I was unbelievably mad knowing that I couldn't set anything right at this point. I knew that I wasn't ready to be in close proximity to Bella so I couldn't go after her and explain what happened. I would have to wait to talk to her and let her know that I was not seeing Jessica.

I spent the rest of my time until my next class in the library pretending to research. I really sat around trying to think about what I could do to overcome the calling of Bella's blood. I _needed_ to be able to talk to her and interact with her. I didn't know why I had this all consuming drive but I did. I spent yesterday 150 feet from Bella while outside and she was inside. Maybe I needed to be closer. What if I was inside her house? I battled with myself trying to decide how creepy and invasive that would be. I hadn't come to a firm decision before my class. I would go to Bella's later to watch her and figure out what I would do. Maybe I'd check in with Alice to see if she saw anything.

* * *

I do not own any Twilight characters. Just this crazy twisted plot - well a lot of the plot but there is a lot the borrows heavily from SM.

Thanks to MidniteSerenade without whom my story would just not be very good. She is amazing and knows how to use commas and semi-colons!!!!

This week I am HIGHLY rec'ing The Girl Under the Bed by NostalgicMiss. I will be rec'ing a one-shot she did later that completely ties into this story but for now check TGUTB out. It is about a homeless Bella who ends being saved by very rich new friends and gets confused over love on the way. It is awesome and NM keeps you guessing what is going to happen next!!

PLEASE - come play on the forum. I answer questions, except for Hev99's and I send out more teasers. Find the link on my profile :)

Ok please reply - I am looking for more fun names that Emmy pooh and Belly bear can use for each other, So tell me what you think of the chapter or story and give me some silly fun names!!!!!


	7. Breathing her Scent

**Chapter 7 – Breathing her Scent**

Alice called as I was leaving my last class of the day. I smirked; she must have seen that I wanted to search out where Bella was. I opened my phone and she started talking before I got it to my ear. "Just wait in the woods. Jasper and Emmett will be with you to go through Bella's house. Trust me, don't go in alone."

"Wait, what? I wanted to go see Bella not her house."

"You can't. She is at the hospital and seriously I know that you've gone there and have been around human blood; not with your singer in the building. Trust me go to her house and spend some time with her scent while she's gone." Then she practically shouted. "But wait for the boys!"

I rolled my eyes and pinched my nose. I felt like I was being treated like a baby. I sighed and resigned myself to doing what Alice instructed because I loved her and I knew that she was doing everything she could to protect Bella. Plus she had a point; going in a hospital where my singer was present was a very possible danger to her or others.

I got in my car, an Audi TT convertible, and let the purr of the engine calm me. My car was one of my pleasures in life. It was a precision machine and had amazing response. One of my responsibilities in the family was to keep our cars updated. Rose worked on the cars and handled all the maintenance but I usually picked what cars we had. I bought the best for what my family wanted. I admit I am a bit of a snob when it comes to cars but there is nothing like sitting back in fine leather, having a car react to the most minute pressure of your hands, while flying down the road at 150 miles per hour.

I parked where I had the night before and ran through the trees and waited for my brothers to arrive. I looked at Bella's house. It was unassuming and simple, just like her, a blue two-story Victorian. It sat against the woods with a neatly trimmed lawn and a few bushes along the walk. The front window had a white swan in it that made me smile assuming it was a family treasure.

_Incoming, incoming squad leader. Vamp Man reporting for duty!_ What was Emmett doing now??? I looked and saw him running through the trees with Jasper in full camo and black face paint.

_Don't even ask. I do NOT belong with this Yankee idiot!_ Jasper was incredulous but resigned. The whole family knew about Emmett and his dramatics. If Alice sent him to help me acclimate myself to Bella's scent, I shouldn't be surprised he thought this was an army drill and therefore needed full costume. "Emmett you look like an idiot. What in the hell are you doing?"

Emmett's face fell; he looked like someone told him Christmas was canceled. "What?? We're being sneaky and this gets me in the mood."

I just rolled my eyes I was not going to even comment. I shuddered at the mental images I had of Emmett and Rose in various costumes they used while role playing. I hoped he had washed this outfit if it had been used before. "Fine. If you look, a back is window open. I figure we can go in there unnoticed."

Jasper nodded and Emmett shouted while dancing his hands in the air "Let's get this party started!"

Jasper looked at me _I deny knowing him._ I smirked silently agreeing.

Jasper said "Let me go first, and then Emmett can follow you." We walked over. I could smell her scent and it burned my throat from here. I knew actually being in her house was going to be a trial but I needed to be able to be close to her and this was the only thing I could think of to get use to her scent.

Jasper scaled her house to the second story window and opened it further to slip in. I held my breath, as vampires don't need to breathe. I knew I could keep her scent at bay for as long as I needed, until I thought I had control. I went in and Emmett followed.

We were in a bedroom. There was a single day bed along a wall that had a spice colored patchwork quilt on it. There was a small dresser in the corner and a rocking chair next to it. The room had hard wood floors and the walls were painted a light butter cream. I took in the room and could easily see Bella in it.

I looked at my brothers and nodded so they knew I was going to take a breath. Jasper sent out a wave of calm and peace to help. Emmett placed one of his hands on my shoulder.

I breathed in her scent.

The monster in me raged and came out. I started to snarl and growl and I burned. I burned like I have only burned once, that was during the pain and fire of transforming from fragile human to nearly indestructible vampire.

I stopped breathing immediately. Emmett held me with his arms around me as I tried to get away. The monster in me wanted to tear through the house and destroy everything. While I knew Bella was not home the monster wanted her and wanted her now! Jasper grabbed an arm so that the calmness he sent was stronger and fuller.

I grabbed at Emmett, scratching to get away from him. I kicked and tore at him and he held me fast. I had never been more grateful for my brother's immense strength.

After a few minutes I calmed down, still not breathing. My throat still burned and my mouth was flooded with venom. Jasper and Emmett let go of me. Their thoughts were both of concern, wondering if we should stay or go.

"Stay." It was all I could choke out. I was shocked at what being immersed in her scent was doing to me. I knew the monster in me would be hard to contain in her house, where everything was coated in her scent, her essence, but I was not prepared for such a visceral reaction. But now that I knew to expect it I felt better prepared and wanted to try again.

I nodded letting both my brothers know that I was trying again. I took a very small breath. My muscles froze and I growled low in my chest but I didn't feel like I was in a frenzy either. I wasn't in control of myself, the monster was, but he wasn't out of control. Emmett and Jasper stood still watching me waiting to see if I lost it again.

I took another small breath. The monster seethed, but didn't break out.

I took one more and I burned; the monster wasn't reacting outwardly. He was waiting.

I took another breath and finally felt like I had some amount of control over myself. The monster and I were equal now. He was there but I was now as well and could think again and reason.

I kept taking slow shallow breaths. Slowly the monster slipped further away to whatever recess in me he took to. Before I met Bella, it had been so many years, decades really, since the monster within me had been out, that I had lost appreciation for his power.

I was so glad that I was here right now with my brothers and not trying this alone, or God forbid with Bella anywhere near me. Just imagining what would happen if Bella had been here granted me further control of the monster. The picture of me killing her squeezed my stomach and I felt the monster, recede further. He didn't leave totally, but I had control of him now.

Jasper slowly let go of me and I felt the calmness he had been sending ebb. The monster shifted and looked but I still was in control. Emmett let go of me, as well, but didn't step back, ready to grab me if he needed to.

"Let's look around a bit" I said in a strained voice.

Jasper walked out of the room and went into the room next to it. I followed. This room had a queen sized bed with no bedding on it, and a dresser. The treadmill Bella had been on was in the corner. I took a tentative breath and found the scent of Bella much less concentrated. This was a room she obviously didn't go in often. I assumed she used it to run and nothing else.

"I wonder why she doesn't use this room with a bigger bed?" Emmett wondered aloud. Jasper and I had, much the same thoughts. I shrugged and added it to the growing list of questions about this quirky girl I would love the answers to.

Across the hall was a completely empty room.

The next room down was a bathroom. Bella's scent clung to this room. I could feel the venom flowing but I was still in control. The scent of strawberries was prevalent in here as well. I looked and saw she had strawberry scented shampoo and body wash. I smiled thinking about how innocent and pure the scent was and how it fit her perfectly.

As we walked down the stairs there was a living room on the left and to the right was the kitchen. I glanced in the living room and saw an old TV, a couch, and a recliner. The room was in neutral colors and held nothing personal. In fact, I reflected there was nothing personal in any room we had been in. No pictures or knick knacks that humans so loved.

"Have you noticed there is nothing personal here?" I asked

Both of my brothers thought about it and agreed that it seemed strange. Both were trying, as was I, to figure out what, if anything, that meant. I had a box in my room where I kept mementos from my time as a human. It seemed strange to be in a house where there were no obvious signs of what Bella's life was.

Off from the living room was a small room Bella was using as an office. The room had multiple book shelves. I scanned the shelves and saw that her taste in books was very eclectic. There were shelves with classics, mysteries, romances, fantasy and many religious books. Some were very worn, having been read many times. In a corner was a large stuffed leather chair with a small table and reading lamp. I could picture Bella snuggled in that chair reading, I smiled thinking about it. There was also a widow seat facing the back yard that Bella had placed pillows and a blanket on.

I walked in the kitchen and opened the refrigerator and saw there were basic staples of milk, eggs, butter, cheese, fruits and vegetables, but not much else. I pulled open cabinets and found tea, lots of sugar and flour and such for baking, but not a lot of food. I definitely needed to watch and see what all Bella was eating.

By this point I was breathing normally. I felt a constant burning in my throat but was in control of myself. I looked at the my brothers and told them that they could go if they wanted, that I was going to stay for a bit to keep myself immersed in her scent. Jasper called Alice to let her know and to make sure she didn't see anything that would cause a problem. She gave her ok; my brothers patted me on the shoulder and left through the window they came in.

I continued to stroll around Bella's house, going back over the rooms we had seen, looking and observing and trying to learn what I could. I hesitated to go through anything that was Bella's, I felt bad enough that I was in her house uninvited looking around. I wanted so many answers to so many questions but I couldn't bring myself to breach her trust by going through her personal things, opening drawers or reading her mail.

I found myself back in her office area and sat on the stuffed chair. I could smell her there. I was surrounded by her scent and it felt wonderful. Yes the monster was there, but the venom was no longer flowing and the burning was now dulled. I could finally take in the nuances of her scent. It was strawberries and freesia and something that was purely feminine and Bella. I felt a stirring deep inside of me as I sat there - completeness that I didn't understand.

I stayed on that chair, wrapped in Bella's scent until I heard her car pull in hours later. Quickly leaving through the window, I stayed in the trees because I needed to see her. I needed to be close to her even if I couldn't be with her.

Through the window, I saw her come in and put her bag down on the kitchen table. She poured herself a glass of water and plucked an apple off the counter and started eating it. She sat down and grabbed some papers and her laptop out of her bag and settled down to work on homework. Again I noticed how she concentrated and didn't seem to get distracted or need a break every 20 minutes.

She had been plugging away for over an hour when I heard a message chime on her computer.

She smiled a small smile and started typing. For the next 43 minutes she conversed with someone on-line. What I would have given to know who she was talking to. The way she was sitting allowed me to see her face but not her computer screen. Whatever the conversation was she seemed to be mostly happy and content.

When she was done chatting she went back to her school books with a single mindedness that I was now coming to expect. She worked steadily until almost 10:00 before she packed up.

She stood up and stretched and yawned a big yawn. Seeing her stretch, a sliver of her pale stomach as her shirt lifted moved me. I didn't know why or exactly what it made me feel, but there was something there tingling in my stomach and causing me to want . . . something.

I was noticing more and more that Bella was making me feel things that I didn't understand and that I hadn't felt before. I didn't know what it meant or why it was happening. I wondered if this was part of what Alice and Jasper were hiding from me. I knew better then to ask, because I was sure neither of them would tell me. Hopefully, if I could talk to Bella, things would get back to normal and this obsession I had with her and these emotions and physical feelings she stirred in me would stop.

I then watched Bella walk over to the counter. She tripped on the way; she seemed to trip a lot. It was incongruous how Bella tripped and fell so easily when she had a natural grace about how she carried herself. Yet one more thing to add to the person that was Bella. I purposefully was ignoring how I had a mental list of what I all knew about this girl and how happy I was when I could add a trait and not another question.

Bella turned on music. Today she was listening to Christian Contemporary music, something I was not familiar with. She sang along while she started pulling trays and ingredients out. As I watched, Bella made 4 trays of different flavored muffins. She sang and baked and seemed to enjoy herself. Again there was no light in her eyes but I was getting used to watching her. She seemed relaxed and at peace, as much as I had seen.

She finished up around midnight and I assumed she would go to bed. She looked exhausted. She went in her room and changed into pajamas. Instead of leaving like I did last night I stayed. I wanted to see how much sleep she was getting.

I was glad I did stay. She changed into some cotton pajamas and went back into the kitchen. Making herself a cup of tea and a small salad, she went back to her computer that was sitting on the table. She didn't have the same feel of concentration that I generally saw when she was working on her school work, so I assumed that she was doing something recreational. I wished again that I could see her screen to know what it was.

Finally around two in the morning Bella couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. They kept closing and her head kept falling forward. She turned her computer off and went to bed. I watched her. I felt like a dirty old man, but I stayed anyway and watched through her window as she slept. I listened to her even and slow breathing and saw her snuggle down into her blanket imagining what her room smelled like with her sleeping in there.

As I watched Bella sleep a melody floated through my mind. It had been over 25 years since I had composed anything, but seeing and listening to her sleep inspired me. While I watched her, my fingers twitched as I ran through the melody in my head and composed. It was a sweet song that started out simple with a single line that repeated and slowly grew and morphed as the melody was supported by a harmony that interweaved and reminded me of Bella's smile that she had given me today. I was anxious to get home later and play it on my piano.

As I was tapping out a tune I heard Bella speak. She mumbled, "Stop, lemons don't dance at midnight." What? I looked carefully and listened to Bella's heart beat and breathing and decided that she was talking in her sleep. How interesting. I grinned knowing that this would be an unedited glimpse into her mind. I decided that spending the night outside Bella's window would prove entertaining and enlightening. I planned on doing it more often.

While I sat composing the song I had started earlier, I was interrupted periodically with random thoughts and comments from Bella in her sleep. The comments bordered on the hilarious to strange in the extreme, but I was enthralled, nonetheless. She was upset with someone named Garrett for eating all the cheese. Emily, it seemed, needed to take better care of her dog so he would stop humping her leg every time she came over. Only once did she seem troubled, she whimpered and tossed around her bed for a bit, but she then quieted back down and fell into peaceful slumber again. Oh what I would give to see those dreams in her head, to know who those people were and what caused her to have a troubled time.

Around 3:30 I heard Jasper and Emmett coming back. I had no clue why or what was going on. _Alice told us to come sit with you for a bit. She wouldn't tell us why exactly other then you needed us._ Jasper thought.

I was astounded. Why would I need Jasper and Emmett? I was fully in control of myself. I had no intention of going closer to Bella's house. There was no reason for me to need my brothers. I looked at them.

Emmett sighed and threw up his hands as he joined me. "I have no clue. All I know is that Rose and I were enjoying each other's company, if you take my meaning, and Alice shouted that I needed to get my butt over here and watch you. She wouldn't listen to anything so here I am, and I have no clue why. What has Bella been doing? Smuggling in nuclear warheads? Making treaties with werewolves? Looks to me like she is sleeping, not sure what the panic is about."

Jasper was silently agreeing with Emmett but he also respected his mate and knew she wouldn't have asked them to come out here unless there was a problem.

We talked for a bit about nothing important. Jasper's phone rang and he answered. Alice said, "Grab Edward now!"

Both Emmett and Jasper grabbed one of my arms as I looked in confusion. Suddenly the air was rent with an ear piercing scream from Bella. My body reacted wanting to get to her and protect her from whatever was happening, but Jasper and Emmett held me tight. She continued to scream "No, stop!! Don't!" and I fought to get to her even though I could see there was no one there and that she was having a nightmare. I needed to be with her.

Suddenly she sat up in bed and woke up panting. She grabbed her knees shaking and slowly calmed her breathing. After a few more minutes she lay back down and eventually fell back asleep. This obviously was not an abnormal occurrence for her at night. No wonder she looked so haggard and worn. What was wrong with her? What had happened?

Emmett's thoughts were chaotic. "What is wrong with her? I have never heard a scream like that before. She sounded tortured. I'm gonna kill whoever hurt her to make her have nightmares like that."

Jasper was panting from the pain of the emotions coming off Bella. _That was sheer terror and pain. I can't believe a human can feel that much pain and still function. I don't know what happened to her but whatever her story is it is not pleasant._

I was beside myself. I wanted to help her so badly but I had no clue what to do. What was wrong? What had happened? I had never felt this conflicted about anyone, human or vampire before. Emmett and Jasper stayed the rest of the night with me. We all watched over Bella, fearful that she would have more nightmares and none of us knew what to do if she did.

* * *

Characters and some plot are SM the rest is all me :)

Many Many MANY thanks to Midnite Serenade for being my beta. Seriously my story would not be what it is if it wasn't for her to help me through my thoughts and her wonderful editing! She brings my story to life!

I would also like to thank Hev99 who has agreed to help poor Midnite Serenade work through the ramblings that are the my plot twists in my head so that when I finally put it to paper it is not insane. Thank you!

I have pics on my profile of Edward's car, Bella's house and Bella's bed if you are interested!

My Rec this week! The Legend of Green Eyes by 4stringqueen. This is a sweet story with a human Bella and a ghost Edward. I highly recommend you check it out!

Lastly thank you ALL who read and review. I had the most reviews ever last chapter and I feel a bit bad that the teaser I gave you all was a bit angsty. I promise that if you review I will leave you with a nicer teaser this week!


	8. Revelations

**Chapter 8 – Revelations? **

At 6:25 Alice called to let us know that Bella was getting up in 5 minutes and had an 8:00 class so we should come back home. I asked Alice to look ahead to what Bella was going to have for breakfast, as I was intent on keeping track of what she ate right now, and Alice told me she would stop for coffee before class and that was it, no food.

Before going home I detoured and hunted. I wanted to make sure that I kept a steady supply of animal blood in me to try and keep the thirst Bella caused at bay. I knew it was hopeless and would do very little to satisfy my thirst around her, but even a tiny bit of help was worth it. Normally I could go 2-3 weeks between feedings with no problems; but I was hunting now just 3 days after I last had. I would keep doing it if there was any chance it would give me even a modicum of help.

I found a deer quickly and got home before 8:30. I ran upstairs to my room and showered trying to decide what I wanted to do for the morning. I had Friday and Monday mornings off with no classes until noon. Thanks to my sister telling me her schedule I knew that she was in class now and had another class at 10:00.

Did I want to be a complete stalker and go to campus to follow Bella around so I could see her? Yes, that is exactly what I wanted to do and because of that I decided I wouldn't. This obsession was taking over me and I refused to allow it to control everything I did. No I would go to campus when I normally did and hang in the quad during lunch before I went to class. This girl would not disrupt my entire life, I couldn't allow her too.

Instead, I sat at my piano and worked through the song I had been composing while Bella slept. The house was relatively quiet as only Esme was at home. I could hear her in her study working on plans for decorating our house in Fana, Norway that we planned on moving to next in a few years. She was startled by my playing and realized that I was composing. She made a mental note that I hadn't composed anything new in a quarter of a century and wondered what had brought this about. She knew that I had been spending time watching Bella and was incredibly curious if she had inspired the piece and what it meant if she had.

I continued playing and tried to block out Esme's thoughts. I focused on the piece: Bella smiling tentatively at me, Bella sleeping peacefully, before the nightmare started; Bella's quick mind and wit. I tried to incorporate it all in this piece and decided it was too much. So I focused on Bella being at peace last night while she slept. It was a peace I doubted she had much of. A peace I longed for her to have. I played until it was time for me to leave. I wanted to get to the quad in time to be ready for Bella to get there so I could see her again.

As I sat and waited at a table with Jasper, Bella came in with Alice. They had 10:00 class together. Bella again set her bag down and pulled out the muffins I saw her make the night before then went off to find tea and hopefully some food to go with it. I looked at her to see how she looked after having such a horrible nightmare, but she looked no different than normal. I expected to see something to show the turmoil of last night, but this was just confirmation that nightmares plagued Bella more then I wanted to think about.

_Edward, stay there again today. Don't worry I have you covered _Alice thought_. _Then she winked at me. Now what was my meddling sister up to? I looked at Jasper to see if he knew and would tell. He shrugged.

A few minutes later Bella came back carrying tea and a sandwich. Alice and Bella were talking and giggling about the class they were in. Bella was at ease with Alice and you could tell by how they interacted she thought of her as a good friend. As they were talking Jessica, who was a few tables from them, cackled loudly.

Alice groaned. "That girl drives me nuts. Did you know she stalks Edward? She's crazy! She has imagined this whole relationship with him and he's such a gentleman that he doesn't smack her like she deserves. He told me that yesterday she came over by him and was touching him. Trust me; Edward does_ not_ like to be touched. He was so mad. I wish I had seen it!" _See Edward all taken care of._

Bella blushed and glanced over by me then quickly away. "Really? Sounds like she's to him, what Newton is to me. I feel sorry for him if that's the case." She looked over at me again and I smiled softly at her, I didn't want to scare her away.

"Exactly! We need to get Jessica and Mike together, that way they can stop harassing everyone else." _And then . . . _

Bella guffawed. "I'm not sure who I would be sorrier for. They certainly deserve each other."

I appreciated what Alice did. She cleared up the whole issue with Jessica from the day before without making an issue of it. I definitely needed to get her something. Alice had a vision of me picking out a pair of diamond earrings for her as soon as I decided to get her something. _Oh I like those. Thanks Edward!_ I chuckled to myself. Silly pixie.

I needed to go to my class so I left but kept track of Alice and her conversation with Bella. Alice spent her time trying to convince Bella to go to the Kappa party tonight, which she declined, and to go shopping with her, which she also declined. Bella amazed me with her quiet stubbornness. Few people stopped Alice when she wanted something but Bella managed to do so. I found myself admiring her for that.

During class I had more of my attention to the beautiful girl in the quad then what the professor was talking about. This time, in school, I was studying history and emphasizing composers and music. I knew everything the professor was going to teach so it was easy to divide my mind with the greater part focused on Bella.

I paid close attention to Bella's mannerisms as I watched her. She was quiet but very vigilant. She spent a lot of time looking around, observing all the people. It wasn't the kind of people watching that someone might do because they enjoy it; more that she was watchful and protective and almost casing what was going on and making sure that she was safe. She got weary when people came close to her table and almost seemed nervous. She picked at the leather cuffs she wore on her wrists in agitation. She worried her lip and I was beginning to wonder if she would worry it off. I decided I would talk to Carlisle about it and see if he had some ideas or thoughts he could give me to explanations her behavior.

Too soon Bella left for her own class. I tried to keep track of her as she went but she faded in the background; too few people took note of her for me to keep track of her. I suspected this was her goal.

After class got out I returned to watching Bella in the woods behind her house. She was working on school work again, concentrating and ignoring the world around her. After talking to Alice I knew she was an English Lit major and loved literature in all forms and genres.

A little before 8 she packed up everything she was working on. She then turned on a Christian radio station and sang along as she made dinner. I watched her fry up a chicken breast and some vegetables. I was happy to see her eating, though my guess was that this and the small sandwich from lunch was all she would eat for the day.

It crossed my mind that I should be at the Beta house for the party going on there tonight. I hated frat parties and made the decision that observing Bella was infinitely more interesting than anything drunken college kids would come up with.

When she was done eating by herself she turned on _Les Miserables_, singing along and playing solitaire for three hours. I was enchanted. She obviously knew the musical and sang with passion and fervor; A light danced in her eyes. My breath stopped as I watched. I wanted to be in the room with her. Sometimes she stopped playing cards all together and let the music flow through her as she sang. With conviction and passion she became each of the characters. It was amazing to see.

The musical finally over, she packed up her cards and started tea. It wasn't raining so when her tea was finished she came outside. She dried off a spot on the glider and then smelled and drank her tea in the silence. I watched. She didn't seem tense or upset so I assumed whatever she was thinking about was not troubling. Several times she looked into the woods seemingly searching for something. I couldn't decipher what it was.

After over an hour outside she sat up, went in, and got ready for bed. I stayed and listened to her sleep. She again talked in her sleep and while most of it didn't make sense it was enthralling to listen to and guess what she was dreaming of. Two times that night she awoke screaming in terror, but eventually calmed down and went back to sleep. Both times I fought the urge to go in and hold her until the fear subsided. I sat and watched and listened.

I stayed all night and watched her wake in the morning. It was early, she had been in bed for only 5 hours, and an hour of that was spent awake from nightmares. She definitely wasn't getting enough sleep. She got dressed and made coffee, which she drank outside, but had nothing to eat. I saw her take some prescription medication and wondered what it was. At seven she got in her car and drove off. I contemplated following her to see where she went but decided instead that I should take the time to go home, see my family and put on clean clothes.

Before I did that I wanted to go in her house once more. I wanted to see what kind of reaction I would have. I stopped breathing and approached the back window to her bedroom that was open. I slid in her house and stopped. Slowly I took in a slight breath and felt the burning consume me. My whole body felt on fire, but the monster in me wasn't out of control. He was up and raging and snarling and he wanted to tear through the house, but I was able to keep control. I stood completely still taking small breaths in this room that Bella had been sleeping in not even an hour ago. Once I could breathe normally and the monster in me was quiet I left.

I ran home thinking of everything that I knew about Bella. When Alice had shown me that she planned to kill herself and I saw how withdrawn and broken she looked. I just assumed she was severely depressed. I was starting to rethink and wonder; I wanted to talk to Carlisle and get this thoughts.

When I got home I gave a quick greeting to my family who were all about the house working on various personal interests. I went upstairs to clean up and change. When I was done I went to Carlisle's study to talk to him. Alice was there as well.

"I knew you wanted to talk about Bella and I want to, too." Alice said. I nodded at her. It didn't matter that Alice was there. Alice felt so strongly about Bella I knew she would get involved anyway. In fact, with the enhanced hearing vampires have I knew that everyone in the house would hear what was said.

I looked at Carlisle. "I have been wondering if there is more than depression figuring into everything with Bella. I have been watching her and I agree she is depressed, severely, but I believe there is more going on. She is taking some kind of medication; I'm assuming an anti-anxiety med because both times I have seen her take them she appears to have been fighting a panic attack. She is very skittish around people and seems to avoid being in crowds or groups." I continued to relate what had happened with Jacob at the Bible study and what I had seen with her and Mike Newton. Then I mentioned the nightmares that she had had the last 2 nights. I explained her lack of sleep and substandard diet and my concerns about each.

Alice chimed in and brought up some similar incidents from the prior semester when I was gone, including a full panic attack Bella had had at a party in April that Alice had never found the cause for.

Carlisle thought through what we had said and weighed it all. "I wonder if she has PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. It would fit. It sounds like she has underlying depression, which would be very common with that illness, but that her most pressing problem are the triggers that she is facing in daily life. Without knowing what happened to her there is little we can do to help with whatever she is facing."

Alice was completely distraught. She blamed herself that she hadn't realized sooner how bad things were with Bella. She was mentally castigating herself. "Alice, stop! This isn't your fault. Vampires don't get PTSD; we don't get clinical depression; we don't have mental disorders like this so it isn't your fault that you couldn't figure this out. Don't beat yourself up." At this point Jasper came in the room to comfort his mate. He whispered words of love and encouragement to her while staring in her eyes.

Carlisle and I were thinking through everything we had talked about when I caught a fragment of Rose's thoughts. I had largely been tuning her, and the rest of the house, out but this caught my attention. _ . . . bet she was raped._

"What Rose? Why do you think that?" I felt my anger rise just thinking about someone violating Bella like that. Jasper looked at me wondering what had caused my emotions to get so violently angry so fast.

Rose came upstairs, not happy that I was dragging her into this conversation. "I was just thinking that it was possible she was raped. All of the things you describe are her reactions to men. I am wondering if she was assaulted or raped." She shrugged. "I have seen her at our sorority meetings and she has no problems in a room full of girls. It would fit what I see at the women's shelter as well."

Jasper spoke up, "Yeah, remember Wednesday when Emmett touched her and she freaked out? Yet she hugs Alice with no problems. It fits." I could tell that the idea repulsed him. Jasper, knowing people's emotions, was trying to piece together the emotions he felt off of Bella's nightmare with the idea of her being raped. He was getting angry himself at someone putting her through that.

Emmett came barreling in the room his thoughts completely focused on Bella. "Wait! Are you telling me that someone hurt Bella Bear? I'm gonna find whoever did something to her and kill 'em." I knew that wouldn't happen because I planned on killing them first, slowly and painfully. Then he was struck by the idea that he had hurt her on Wednesday when he touched her. "Oh man and I hurt her too. I didn't mean to. What should I do?" I was surprised how upset Emmett was over Bella and her problems.

"Emmett it's fine, you didn't know. Now that we suspect that Bella reacts to males with anxiety you know to not touch her. Let her go at her own pace. Do you know if she is getting any counseling?" Carlisle, always the voice of reason and calmness said. I could hear his thoughts, though and understood how upset he was by the idea of Bella being harmed.

I shook my head. I hadn't seen anything to indicate she was. Alice searched out Bella's future and didn't see her at any counseling appointments. "I don't see her getting any help at all."

Esme came in the room, "Do you know if she has close friends she can talk to? If she has had some kind of traumatic experience she will need someone that she can go to, someone whose shoulder she can cry on." Esme had tried to take her life after her 3 day old baby had died. She had jumped off a cliff and Carlisle found her. He changed her but I remember the first few years after her transformation and the pain she was in from having tried to kill herself. I knew that she, more than anyone, must be able to understand what Bella was going through, whatever it was, as she was still troubled with those thoughts from time to time.

I again shook my head; I knew so little about Bella, but wanted to know everything. I was getting more and more frustrated and feeling impotent. I had all these enhanced senses and abilities. I can read minds, yet the only human that I have ever wanted to help I am not able to. I started pacing and tearing at my hair. I had no answer and no idea how to get any.

"It is possible that it wasn't a rape or assault that causes her to react the way she does. While a single traumatic event could definitely cause such a visceral reaction to men, so could a sustained abuse. If she was abused by her father or a boyfriend for an extended period of time that too could case her to behave as such." Carlisle stated thinking through all that he knew about psychology and behavioral issues, which admittedly was not more then what was discussed in passing in medical school on his way to getting his medical degree.

Jasper sent a wave of calm at me but it wasn't helping. Everyone was trying to think of what help we could offer when finally Rose had enough. "Listen we can't help her if she doesn't want help. We can be there if she needs us, but really I highly doubt that she is going to confide her deepest secrets to a coven of vampires." Rose's continued bitterness over not being human was always present, and at a time like this I didn't need to hear her whining.

I growled, "Yeah Rose, how very like you, just leave the girl to suffer because it doesn't affect you."

Emmett jumped to his mate's defense, "Hey Edward, we all want Bella to not suffer, but Rose has a point. How are we supposed to help her when we know nothing and she isn't sharing? We can't exactly tell her that you have been stalking her and are worried, can we? Or tell her that Alice has seen her future and that she is concerned that she is going to kill herself. I say we stick around Bella and be there so that if she needs a friend we are there for her."

"Yeah the problem with that is that she doesn't like to be around men. That leaves Alice and Rose to help her and I think we all know that Rose doesn't want to help!" I was angry that no one seemed to care that Bella needed help. I didn't want to wait hoping that someday she would ask for some, I wanted her whole and healed now!

"Enough!" Carlisle spoke with command. "All human life is sacred and we will do what we can to preserve it. No, we cannot make Bella talk to us, but we aren't without resources. She's obviously good friends with Alice and Edward is closely observing her. Alice, when you see Bella killing herself, do you have any kind of timeline on it?"

Alice concentrated hard and looked through her visions. She responded slowly, "no, not a specific time but it is still months away I think." She nodded to herself. "Yes it won't be until after Christmas, more towards spring, I think."

Carlisle nodded. "Good, that gives us time to work. Alice, keep track of her and continue being her friend. That's all you can do. Watch if there is anything that stands out. Maybe try to steer her into telling you something about her past."

"We could Google her." Jasper piped in. I growled and pinched the bridge of my nose. What Jasper said made sense. Google Bella and see if there was something on the internet that could give us clues as to what was wrong; but is seemed so wrong and such an invasion of privacy.

Jasper raised his eyebrows at me. I nodded, resigning myself that my need to know about Bella was more important than her privacy. "See what you can find."

Carlisle nodded, "Fine, Alice stay friends with her and see if you can learn anything about her past. Jasper, check out the internet to see if we can learn more. Edward, keep observing her. Emmett and Jasper I would suggest treading carefully in being close to her as we don't want her to be more upset. Rose, if you can head off some of the more touchy boys that seem to plague her, then do so. That's all we can do right now. If something changes then we will change our strategy."

I simply nodded. Carlisle was right there was nothing else we could do.

* * *

I am so sorry I am late posting today. Life has been busy. I had the option of not posting at all this week or posting a shorter chapter this week and next week, so that's what I did. Sorry about that but I assumed you all wanted a little instead of nothing:)

I also wanted to take a moment to tell everyone that while this story is all from Edward's point of view (possibly an out take or two from other Cullens later), it is actually Bella's story. So yes things are moving slowly right now, I promise they will pick up, but I am laying ground work for future chapters and letting you know enough about Bella so that hopefully you can better understand how she is acting and will continue to react in the future, since you won't be in her mind. Good thing that Edward is such a dedicated stalker to give you insight into Bella. :)

So thanks for reading, I hope you review, and I promise Bella and Edward will be meeting soon.

Thank you to Midnite Serenade for all of her help beta'ing for me and talking me off all of my ledges with Bob! Yes Bob did you see your Fana reference in there?!

If you have questions or thoughts head to the forum, link in my profile, or tell me in a review as I respond to all my reviews and give teasers!


	9. Learning More

**Chapter 9 – Learning More**

After the end of our discussion I decided to go back to Bella's. I needed to see her. Now that I knew that her past was more than likely more dark and horrific then I originally had guessed, I needed to know that she was ok. I knew it was not logical that because I now knew her past was dark, today she would be hurt, but it felt that way. I was determined to protect her from any more pain.

When I got to Bella's, she still wasn't home. I slipped in and took a few minutes to deal with the burning that I felt. I then went to find what medications she was on. I found a high dose of Lexapro, Xanax, Tempazepam that was barely touched, and an unopened bottle of Vicodin. I called Carlisle and let him know. I sat at Bella's kitchen table until she came home as I considered what we had talked about and breathed in the scent that was Bella. I was determined to find a way through this, whatever it was, for her.

I heard Bella come home at 7 and wondered where she had been all day. I slipped out the back to continue watching her I could catch the faintest hint of the sea coming from her house and wondered if she had been boating or something else. When she went in it was obvious that her mood was dark and melancholy. She put her keys down, took off her coat, and slid down the wall pulling her knees into her chest and just sat there. She looked so broken. It was all I could do to stay where I was and not run in and put my arms around her and comfort her. She looked like she was barely keeping it together. I knew if I could read her mind, at that point I would have all the answers that I sought, I would know what demons haunted her. As she sat there looking at the wall I knew she was seeing something that wasn't there in the room with her; she was remembering a past that was slowly killing her even before she killed herself.

Then the phone rang. Bella startled and got up to answer it. "Hello" her voice was shaking.

"Bella, hey sweetie, you sound terrible."

"Sorry Emily, just a rough day. Some days I can't keep the thoughts and images away. I try so hard to forget. I never do but some days I am just bombarded with everything. Today was one of those days."

"Do you want to talk about it? You know it might help. Do we need to make this a conference call? You know the others will want to help."

Bella drew in a shaky breath. "No I don't want to talk about it right now and please, I don't want to talk to everyone in a conference call. Tell me what's going on with you. How's the new job?" She sat back down against the wall on the floor.

Bella talked on the phone for a while about nothing much. I watched her visibly compose herself and make an effort to sound like she was doing ok but it was obvious to me she wasn't. I got the impression she wasn't fooling her friend either.

Bella took a deep breath. "I have some news you will love," she said with sarcasm, pulling her legs up to her chest. She had relaxed a bit during the conversation but she was tense again.

"Yeah, what's that?"

"I had Jacob over for dinner on Wednesday."

"So you always have him and Ben and Angela over after study."

"Well no . . . Jacob was here alone. Ben's mom got hurt and was at the ER."

Emily drew out a long breath. "Wow" There was a stunned pause. "This is the first time isn't it? I mean, the first time you've been alone anywhere with a guy since it happened."

Bella nodded her head and quietly said "yeah."

"Are you ok? How did it go?"

"Umm, fine I guess. I mean, I didn't have a panic attack." Bella breathed deeply "but I don't think I said 2 words the entire time he was here."

"Hey that's ok. It's still progress. I am happy for you babe. I really am."

"Yeah progress." Bella Snorted. "I can hyperventilate in front a perfectly normal guy for no reason."

"Stop it! Seriously it is great and a huge step. You haven't even been alone with Seth since it happened."

"That's true. I think Jacob wanted to hug me good night. I thought I was going to faint. There is no way I was letting him touch me."

"Who cares? You didn't panic and you didn't faint. It's all good. Who knows maybe someday it will happen."

"Maybe" Bella sounded highly doubtful.

"I miss you a lot you know, and I wish you'd come home."

"I know. I can't. I can't go back. I miss you too. It sounds like I will be back before Christmas for the trial, so I'll see you then."

"Have you heard anything about it? When's it scheduled?"

"Umm right now it stands that it'll be the beginning of December. No one is expecting any more continuances. I've talked to my professors and let them know that I might be gone for finals. You can imagine how that went over with some of them."

"Will you stay for Christmas then? It would be so wonderful to have you home for the holidays. I know your family would love to have you here."

"Probably not. I don't think I can do another Christmas at home. Last year was way too much. I'm not gonna do it again." Bella shuddered.

"Hey sweetie. Stop! It's ok. Don't worry, no one faults you, I just don't like that you are out there alone."

"I'm not alone. I have friends out here. I promise. It's all good. Listen I need to get going. I'll talk to you later. Ok?"

"Yeah, ok. I'll catch ya later, gator."

Bella hung up and stayed lumped on the floor. I was ripping at my hair in frustration. Why was it that the only people that knew what was going on with Bella were out of reach to me? Who was this Emily person? Who was Bella talking to earlier in the week? Was there anyone here in Seattle that knew her story? Who is Seth? What was he to her? I watched as Bella started banging her head against the wall. Then she got up, changed and ran on her treadmill.

I called Alice. "Alice what is going on in Bella's future? She just talked to a friend about a trial she is going to be leaving for in December. Is it a trial for her or someone else? Can you see?" I was pacing in frustration.

I waited while Alice tried to see Bella's future. "I'm so sorry Edward. There is a trial and I see Bella on the witness stand but it's hazy. It isn't very clear. I am guessing that there are too many decisions between now and then that have to happen for me to be able to see clearly. I'll keep watching."

I sighed and thanked Alice. I just wanted to punch something to get this rage out. I wanted to hurt someone for breaking such a fragile girl. I wanted to cause damage for the damage that had been done to her. I couldn't remember being consumed with such rage before. I needed to know what had happened. I needed to talk to her. I needed answers and I didn't know how to get them.

She stayed up very late that night, drinking tea and staring out the window. She was tense and troubled. Finally after 4 in the morning she fell into a troubled sleep on the chair she had been sitting in. I watched her toss and turn and call out in her sleep for 3 hours before she woke up and started her day. She looked terrible. She made herself a cup of coffee and got dressed and left. Today I followed her.

I watched her go to church then followed her through the minds of the people present. She sat at the back with her shoulders hunched and grasped at the cuffs on her wrist. When Pastor Weber started to approach her, she looked up with complete misery in her face and shook her head at him. He was extremely concerned but left her alone. Jacob saw and decided to not push her today. He remembered times when Bella had looked so troubled. As soon as he or others had approached her she left, not able to deal with people.

After church Bella got back in her car and drove to the hospital. She was greeted by many of the people on staff and spent time visiting for a few hours with different kids. It was obvious how much the kids she spent time with loved her. The children missed their parents and had a special place in their thoughts for Bella who visited them to read stories, talk and just cuddle. I watched Bella's mood lift as she spent time with the different children, whom she obviously knew well. She joked and asked after them and their families.

As I sat there watching I could easily envision Bella with her own children and family. The thought turned me cold. Was Bella willing to give up on a family? Why did the idea of Bella having a family make me disheartened? I pushed the thoughts out of my head and continued to observe Bella and decided to just be happy that she was happier.

Bella left the hospital and drove to the Phi Mu house for their weekly meeting. I went to the Beta house for ours but kept track of Bella and observed her. Rose was right. The tension she carried with her so often when I saw her in places like the quad where there were males around was absent. Her sorority was working on a sisterhood activity and playing games; Bella was smiling and as relaxed as I had seen her ever get.

I paid little attention to what was going on at our meeting. I knew if I was needed that Emmett or Jasper would let me know. They both saw I wasn't paying close attention and had figured I was keeping track of Bella in some way. The one thing that did get my attention was that for homecoming this year we had invited the Phi Mu's to be our sister sorority. That meant that our two organizations would have multiple socials and activities together this semester, including the homecoming dance. Excellent, I thought.

Bella's meeting got out before mine and she left quickly. When our Beta meeting ended I went to my car to find Alice in it waiting for me. _I want to talk to you about Bella and help you._ I nodded at her and left for Bella's. The drive was quiet with Alice not saying anything but humming music in her head.

We got to Bella's and found her cooking a dinner for herself which made me very glad. Alice looked at me, _have you researched diet and her calories yet?_ I shook my head no and sighed. I opened my BlackBerry and kept one eye on Bella looked through current web pages for relevant information on dietary needs and proper caloric intake. Observing Bella I guessed her to be 5'4" but wasn't sure on her weight. According the web site I was looking at with her frame she should weigh no less than 114 pounds but I didn't know how to determine what she did weigh, I couldn't very well go pick her up to find out.

I blew out a breath and Alice looked at me. "I need to know what she weighs."

_Simple, when she goes to sleep I will climb in her house and pick her up. I should be able to tell pretty closely. We just have to make sure she's sleeping soundly._ I nodded. It was better than what I could come up with. As much as I wanted to be able to hold Bella and see what she weighed I knew it would be too dangerous for me to do so. I again ignored any thought of why I wanted to be able to hold her.

We continued to watch Bella in silence. She was studying and had all of her concentration focused on her school work. After a time Alice stopped humming in her head. _Jasper Googled Bella and she doesn't exist that he can find. She must be using a fake name. Jasper started to dig to find out what the name was and I had a vision of Bella leaving. I told him to stop and the vision left. I'm sorry Edward but we're blind._

I was so confused. Bella Swan wasn't this girl's name? I pulled at my hair and growled. Why could I get no answers? Why did it seem every time I turned around there was another question that I couldn't answer?

Alice and I sat for a time and just watched Bella, each with our own thoughts, both wanting to help, and neither knowing what to do.

The phone rang and Bella looked at it. She sighed and didn't look happy, "Seth I know it's you" She walked over and answered. "Hello"

"Bella, hey how are you doing?" The voice was male and sounded hesitant.

Bella sat back down on the chair she had been on. "I'm fine Seth. I take it Emily called you?"

Seth chuckled. "I will neither confirm nor deny anything. Emily would kick my butt and you know it."

Bella snorted. "Yeah she would. What's up?"

"Nothing I was just calling to check on my favorite girl to see how she was doing." I growled, _his_ favorite girl? Who was this punk?

Bella sighed. "Seth . . . "

"What Bella? You are a girl and you are my favorite one. That is all that I mean. I promise."

Bella shook her head. I was glad to see that she didn't consider herself his girl, but if I ever found this Seth I would definitely let him know my thoughts of him trying to claim Bella when she didn't want to be claimed. "Ok, ok. How's your school year going?"

They talked for a bit about nothing in particular when Seth hesitated, "So I hear you might be back in December. Where will be you staying?"

Bella cringed. "Yeah I'll probably be back. I'll stay at a hotel like I have the last few times."

"Ya know, you have friends here you can stay with." No, I wouldn't just talk to this guy I was going to kill him. It was obvious he wanted Bella to stay with him for whatever this trial in December was and that was not going to be happening if I could help it.

"No I would rather just to go a hotel where I can close, but lock the world out and not worry about anything. Trust me it's better for me. Listen I'm gonna get going. You take care Seth."

"Yeah Bells, you too."

Bella stayed up for a while longer and played on her computer and around midnight changed into her pajamas and made cookies. Alice stayed with me and was quiet, either going over what she knew about Bella or just humming in her head. For my usually exuberant sister her quietness was shocking but I knew that it was all because she too was worried over the human girl just a few feet away.

Once Bella went to sleep Alice climbed into her room and slowly reached over and picked her up. Bella didn't flinch or move. Alice put her back down and covered her up. _Edward there is no way that she's even 100 pounds. _ I blew out a breath in frustration. Yeah she was underweight and I was left with more knowledge I could do nothing about. I couldn't very well force feed her.

Alice came back by me. _We'll think of something. We will. I just have this feeling it _will_ work out. _I raised my eyebrows at her assuming she had a vision she wasn't sharing. _No, no specific vision but I just know it'll be ok._ I nodded.

"I want to meet her."

Alice thought about it and flipped through her visions at a rate I couldn't keep up with and turned to me and grinned. _Tomorrow, lunch_ She giggled, winked, and ran off. I tugged at my hair wondering what my pixie sister was up to now!

* * *

So do you think Edward's ready to meet Bella? Remember he only "met" her less then a week ago in class. Will it go well? Will it go badly? What's Alice up to???

Thank you ChrisR for all the help with the drugs in this chapter. Bella is not abusing her drugs. In fact she is not taking as much as she should so don't worry about that. Here is a description of what she is taking for those that aren't MD's or Pharmacists. Lexapro: anti-depressant; Bella takes daily. Xanax: anti-anxiety med that Bella is only taking when she feels a panic attack coming on. Tempazepam: is a sleep aid for people that have trouble sleeping due to anxiety; Bella is not taking this and she will explain why later. Vicodin: a strong pain med; Bella is not taking any of.

Don't listen to 4StringQueen that thinks that Bella wears leather cuffs cause she is into BDSM bondage! LOL

My thanks go out to MidniteSeranade whom I would not be able to write without. I have received multiple reviews saying that my writing is good. That is ALL because of MideniteSeranade. All her, not me. Thanks also to Bob for giving me constant encouragement, along with Lorilie, 4StringQueen and FunkyDiva.

So this week I am Rec'in _Empty_ by Hev99. It is a brand new story and is AWESOME so far. Please check it out and leave her some love!

Please review and let Edward know if you think he is ready to meet Bella! I'll send a teaser to you for next week!


	10. So We Meet

**Chapter 10 – So We Meet**

I left Bella's at 6:30 when her alarm went off. I headed off to hunt once more. I was determined to do everything I could to not be thirsty today. I was going to meet Bella.

After I hunted and disposed of the deer I went home and showered. I had a late day again, with no class until 1:00, so I spent extra time trying to look decent. Vampires are known for their beauty. I could never understand then why I had so many cowlicks. My hair, no matter what I did, never sat down and looked finished. It always looked like I had just rolled out of bed, which is ironic for someone that never sleeps and doesn't even own a bed. I finally gave up trying to make it look decent and figured that in the minds of most girls my hair was "sexy" so I went with it hoping that Bella wasn't offended by it.

I went to my closet trying to decide what to wear. Normally I grabbed the first thing my hands touched. The only decision I paid attention to was the weather. Since vampires don't get hot or cold we don't need to dress to accommodate the climate, but as we wanted to blend in we also knew better then to wear heavy pants and sweaters when it was 90 degrees outside. It was early September and was still in the 70's so I could skip over the corduroys and sweatshirts.

Today though I didn't grab the first thing I touched. I wanted to look nice, decent, clean cut, respectable, solid, approachable, unintimidating, but mostly as human as possible. It definitely wouldn't hurt to look attractive either. I looked through all the clothes that I had and couldn't decide what to wear. In almost 90 years I have never dithered over clothes. I felt like a 12 year old girl that was going to see the Jonas Brothers. I finally decided to act like a man and get it together. I settled on a pair of navy cargo shorts, a blue t-shirt under a button down short sleeve brown and blue checkered shirt that I kept open. I added a pair of brown sneakers with no socks. Casual yet tidy. Yes this would do nicely. I rolled my eyes at my internal monologue.

I sighed and pulled my hair trying to figure out yet again why it mattered so much. Why I was so adamant on impressing this human girl. I pinched the bridge of my nose and decided to get out of the house for a while before I went to school. I needed to calm down. I quickly ran to a meadow in the middle of the forest. It was my sanctuary. It was far enough away that I didn't hear the thoughts or voices of anyone. I could think in peace and solitude with no interruption.

One of the first things I did when we moved somewhere new was to seek out a place of solitude. After almost 90 years I was use to the constant voices of humans and thoughts and dreams but there were times I needed a break, to get away and have my own thoughts that weren't clouded by anyone else's. I have found myself seeking solitude more and more over the years, disillusioned by the drone of thoughts from humans that have no cares beyond themselves and their own selfish whims. Humans who care little for the world outside themselves and even less for learning.

Sometimes I feel like I am being sucked into the world of humans, listening to their thoughts constantly. I drown in the mindlessness of it all and find that I need to get away and be alone. I don't even bring my family to my places of solitude. While I love my family, and their thoughts aren't as pedantic as most humans, they still wear on me. After spending decades with each of them I know what they are going to think about most given situations; there is no spontaneity or newness to anything.

Quiet was a novelty and a solace. I sat and soaked in the stillness and thought of how meeting Bella would go. Would she smile at me? I hoped so. I pictured the smile she had given me days ago. I treasured it and hoped that I would see her smile more. Would she laugh? It seemed too much to hope for but, I prayed to whatever god there was that I could someday soon share a laugh with her. I thought of all the things I could say to Bella. All the questions I wanted to ask her. All the things I wanted to share with her.

Finally it was time to leave and stop thinking about meeting Bella and actually do it. I ran home and enjoyed the drive in my car to school. I noticed the anxiety I carried with me. I wanted this meeting with Bella to go well. I wanted to show her I wasn't a monster. I snorted. Who was I kidding? I am a monster. Maybe Bella had already met enough monsters in her life and subjecting her to me, another monster, would be a torture. I ran my hand through my hair tugging on the strands trying to figure out if I should just wait and not meet her today. As soon as that thought came to me what was left of my heart plummeted. I _needed_ to meet and talk to her. I growled. Hopefully I would get over this insane obsession I had with her soon. I was not use to being so confused and vacillating over something as simple as saying hello to a human.

I got to the quad and sat down at a table near where Bella normally sat and waited for her and Alice to come in. It didn't take long and _she_ was entering the room, beautiful. She was dressed as I had seen her most days in simple shorts and a t-shirt with leather cuffs on her wrists. She and Alice went to the table in the corner. Bella set her cookies out and left to go get some tea and hopefully something to eat.

Alice looked at me. _Come over here. _ I walked over and sat in the chair across from where Bella sat, as far as I could be from her. I knew it would give me little help from drowning in her scent, but again every little bit that could help I would take. I was determined to not harm her.

Bella came back and stumbled when she saw me sitting at her table. She caught herself and looked at Alice. Alice was humming in her head and practically bouncing in her seat. She was trying to block me but I got flashes that she was excited for me and Bella to meet. I could hear Emmett and Jasper talking and both noticed how excited Alice was and they were teasing her. She was telling them to shut up when Emmett started to act like a hyped up pixie on drugs pretending he was Alice. Alice finally threatened to tell Rose about a secret porn stash he had. All of this took place with no one the wiser. With our sensitive vampire ears and ability to hear and process things quickly the whole conversation took place in seconds too quietly for a human to hear.

Bella sat down. I had been holding my breath then inhaled slightly to test if I could deal with her. I felt the burn and my mouth flooded with venom. The monster was elated that the prey he had been seeking was right there, within arms reach. I figuratively beat him back and tried to ignore the fire that was so much worse with Bella right there, where I could not only smell her but see and hear the blood pumping through her veins - her heart beating the precious scarlet drink I craved.

Alice chirped at Bella. "This is my roommate Edward. I didn't get a chance to introduce him in sociology last week. He needed to tell me something and I hoped you didn't mind that I asked him to sit with us. I'm sure if he is over here Jessica'll leave him alone." She winked at Bella.

She sat down tentatively and took a quick smell of her tea and looked at me. "Hello, Edward, pleased to meet you." She took a hidden breath and held her hand out to me.

I was shocked, thinking she didn't like touching men, but I was not going to refuse her impeccable manners. "The pleasure is mine Bella." I took her hand lightly, very aware that with my strength I could crush her tiny hand with no exertion on my part, and was shocked. There was a current that flowed through her touch. I had never felt anything like it.

Bella gasped and withdrew her hand looking at it then at me. I smiled tentatively at her. I didn't want to make an issue of the shock I felt when touching her. I wondered if the reason she pulled away was because she felt the shock too or if my cold skin surprised her. Me, I could still feel the warmth on my hand from her hand, even though it was an incredibly brief contact. I wanted more.

Normally I avoided touching humans. First, because humans notice my cold hard skin. Ours doesn't feel like a human's skin and I don't want to attract questions or attention. None of us do. Second, because I'm personally uncomfortable touching humans. The heat of their skin reminds me of all that I'm not and I don't like that tactile reminder.

As I was coming to realize, Bella's touch didn't affect me the way a human's normally did. Instead of being repulsed by it I craved it again. I wanted to feel that shock of electricity and the warmth that was Bella; knowing that as long as her touch was warm she was alive. I wanted to take hold of her hand and not let go. I groaned internally at my melodramatic ramblings.

Alice caught the whole exchange and looked and me and lifted her eyebrows and grinned mischievously. Oh she knew something and again was not telling me. I was starting to get very frustrated about the whole thing. I glared at her and she smiled.

I was starting to breathe a bit more normally. The scent of Bella was still causing me to burn but the monster inside wasn't thrashing trying to get out either. He was waiting for an opening and I was determined he would not get one.

She turned to Bella and ignored me, "Don't mind Edward, he's a cranky broody boy." I rolled my eyes and Bella gave a small chuckle and shook her head.

"I'm sure that's not true," she said. Then she cocked her head and glanced at me. "Then again, the broody emo guy turns a lot of girls on. Maybe that's your goal?" She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes huge in shock.

Alice snorted. "Is that it Edward? Are you trying to attract girls like Jessica?" She waggled her eye brows at me. Unbeknownst to Bella, Emmett had picked up on the conversation and was inputting his thoughts on my broody nature and attracting girls.

"I am so sorry Edward. I shouldn't have said that." Bella was obviously shocked at what she had said and thought I was offended. Little did she know I _was_ shocked and amazed that she had joked so quickly with me. I wasn't offended. I was ecstatic. I choose to ignore that it in all likelihood had more to do with her easy going nature with Alice then with me.

I winked at her. "Don't worry I am in no way upset with you. While some people may be moody brats to attract girls I assure you that is not my intention." I turned to Alice. "Plus I don't agree that I am cranky or broody. I think that some pixies are so hyper that anyone that doesn't want to keep up is assumed to be deficient."

Alice stuck her tongue out at me. "Nope you're cranky and broody." She looked at Bella again. "Ask Emmett, Jasper or Rose and they will all agree with me." Emmett called out quietly that he darned well would agree to that and more; Jasper was trying to not laugh.

Bella smiled softly at me. "Don't worry. I know a hyper pixie myself that is convinced I need fixing for a plethora of reasons. I find it easier to ignore her then change her." She grabbed her tea and sniffed it while taking a sip.

"Well maybe we can ignore her together." I was nervous that I was pushing Bella and was prepared to back track quickly if necessary.

Bella considered me and tilted her head to the side. "Maybe we can."

"Hello, the pixie you are talking about is right here and I will not be ignored!" Alice huffed.

Bella shocked me; she smirked and winked at me. "So tell me Edward, what's your major?" There was almost a light in her eyes. Dull but there. I was drowning in them. They were a deep brown and they pulled me in, willing me to see her very soul. I found myself further enchanted by this beautiful human girl.

I chuckled, "History with an emphasis in Music, yours?" Alice was steaming next to us, though I knew it was pretend.

Bella tried to hold back a smile, "English Lit." I nodded at her.

"I'm business, for when I open my fashion boutique, in case _anyone_ cares around here!" Alice said while waving her arms wildly.

Bella laughed. She laughed and it was a true laugh, not loud, not boisterous, but real and all the more precious for being so. She reached over and one arm hugged Alice. "Of course I care sweetie. I wouldn't tease if I didn't love you."

Alice grinned and hugged her back. "I gotta go talk to Jazz for a minute. Catch ya later!" She looked at me _STAY!_ This was unexpected. I didn't think that Alice would leave me alone with Bella because of how she felt about men and how she made me thirst. I swallowed because I was nervous. As soon as Alice left the table a tension settled.

I looked at Bella "Soooo, Alice tells me you moved here last semester?"

Bella looked up not quiet meeting my eyes before looking away, "Yeah, that was my first semester here. Alice told me you were gone last semester traveling for some kind of internship?"

I nodded. Bella grabbed her tea and took a long smell of it and slowly drank. I quirked an eyebrow at her. "Why do you smell your tea like that?" I was inexplicably excited to be learning the answer to one of the many questions that have plagued me about this girl.

She looked at me startled. "Oh, umm, it relaxes me I guess?" She paused and tilted her head as if considering what more to say. "The smell of the tea either calms me or excites me, I guess, depending on what kind it is. Right now I have peppermint tea. I love the smell of the mint and I find it peaceful and relaxing. Sometimes the smell is better than the tea itself. I don't know, kinda weird I guess." She shrugged her little shoulders and looked down picking at the cuffs on her wrists.

"No I get it, sometimes the scent of something can almost overpower you. It can draw you in wanting more." If Bella only knew how her scent did that very thing for me. Emmett was making snide comments about singers and was making me mad. Jasper thankfully told him to shut up.

"Why aren't you eating lunch?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "Not hungry. Why aren't you?" She asked finally glancing in my eyes, before quickly looking away.

"I ate earlier."

She rolled her eyes and then looked at me. She looked me in the eyes like she was searching for a specific answer. I held her gaze and let myself fall into the depths of her brown eyes hoping that she saw that I was not a threat to her, not at least in the way that she possibly would think. I would never physically assault her. I groaned to myself. No, I wouldn't beat her; I just wanted to suck her blood and kill her. Did she see the monster in me? She was looking so intently.

Suddenly she nodded her head once and flicked a gaze over to the table where my brothers and sister were sitting. She tilted her head considering something and shrugged her shoulders. I wanted to know what she was thinking. I assumed that when I could finally talk to her it would be better, but it was worse. I had no clue what had just happened but I knew it was somehow significant, at least to her. What had she decided?

Bella was still very tense and kept watching the people around us as if she was searching out a threat. I wanted to reassure her that there was no way that I would allow anything to happen to her, and that my family was also set on offering her protection but there was no way to work that into the conversation. "Yes Bella, I am obsessed with you and my sister has been keeping track of you and just this past weekend my entire vampire family and I talked and decided that you must have been raped or abused in same way and we would like to reassure you that we won't allow that to happen, in fact I stay outside your bedroom window each night watching you to make sure you're protected." Yeah I can imagine that reaction!

"Tell me, what you think of our sociology professor? I hope that Alice forwarded my apology for rushing out of class so quickly. I hope that you were in no way offended by my atrocious manners."

"Dr. Merrill seems likable enough. She is easy to listen to and doesn't drone on to put you to sleep. She has interesting ideas and I think the class will be ok.

"Alice did tell me about the emergency and I wasn't offended at all about you leaving like you did. I understand the need to get home to help. Don't worry about it."

I smiled at her. "Thank you." I glanced around and pretended to read the clock. I already knew what time it was but I didn't want to push it with Bella. I was hoping getting to know her in small doses would allow her to be at better ease with me. "Listen I should be going. I have a class to attend. It was a pleasure meeting you Bella and I hope to converse with you again soon."

She blushed and the monster in me raged. All that beautiful blood rushing to the surface of her skin, calling to me, practically begging me to taste. "It was nice meeting you also Edward." She smiled tentatively and I grabbed my stuff and all but ran away needing to get away from the call her blood had over me. I was embarrassed and ashamed at my lack of control in the end to a simple blush. I groaned worried that any headway I had made was destroyed as I ran away from Bella. What did she think of my inexcusable behavior?

_Edward! Wait. Hold on there boy. _Jasper was walking to catch up to me. I slowed so that he could. _I know you are beating yourself up right now. Why? Cause you had to rush out? She's your singer and I saw her blush. Instead of berating yourself you should be darned proud that you didn't kill her. I can't think of a vampire that could have walked away in that situation. Stop focusing your broody emo ass on the negative and think about the positive. _

I leaned over and smacked him for the broody emo comment. I took a deep breath. "You're right, of course, I just don't think that meeting Bella and literally running away from her makes a good impression."

_Alice was already doing damage control before you were out of the building. Trust Alice, she's as happy that you're talking to Bella as you are. She'll smooth out any rough edges that need smoothing. Don't worry about it. So tell me, how was it finally meeting Bella? _There was a teasing tone to Jasper's thoughts.

I rolled my eyes. "It was nice." I knew it was pointless to hedge my feelings as Jasper could pick up all the internal struggles and elation I had but I wasn't ready to vocalize anything yet. I was still so conflicted and torn.

Jasper snorted. _Yeah, nice. Stop beating yourself up and get to class. _

I nodded and left him. I focused my thoughts back to the quad, I wanted to watch Bella. I kept shifting through the thoughts of people there to keep an eye on her. Alice had left. Emmett was sitting with Rose, but they were so into each other that neither was really paying attention to Bella.

As I was flitting through people's minds I caught the vitriolic poison of Jessica's. She was working herself into a state over Bella and the fact that I had been sitting with her for a time. She finally got up the nerve to walk over to Bella to set her straight. I was livid that I was trapped in a class watching this whole thing play out and not able to stop it. There was no way I could get out of class and back to the quad before Jessica spewed her venom at Bella.

Jessica sat down across from Bella, who looked up at her with huge eyes, not having a clue what was going on but knowing it wasn't going to be good. "I am not fooled by your sweet, innocent, damaged princess complex. I know you're just a little slut like everyone else and that you're looking to grab the biggest fish you can. Well stay the fuck away from Edward Masen because he's mine!"

Bella visibly shrank back in her seat. Rose appeared at Jessica's side. "Is there a problem here Jessica?" Rose's voice was stone cold.

Jessica got up and glared at Rose. "Nope, just making sure that Bella here is fully aware of the world and how it works." She smirked at Bella knowing she had intimidated her.

"Yeah and how is it the world works? No sane guy would get near a diseased skank like you. Let me guess you are fantasizing again that Edward and you are a couple, when everyone knows that Edward would rather cross the street then walk in front of a tramp like you."

Jessica huffed, "Whatever, bitch" and walked away.

Rose sat down. "I swear I am going to take a roto rooter to that girl's vagina. Are you ok, Bella?"

Bella nodded.

"Hey, don't let Jessica get to you. She thinks she is something she isn't. Trust me you have nothing to worry about with her." Rose stated.

Emmett was distraught. He wanted to do something for Bella but didn't know what. Rose was not use to touchy feely and honestly still wasn't that interested in getting involved with Bella. Laying a smack down to humans she hated was one thing, hugging was another.

Bella got up and stuttered out that she need to go to the library and took off. I was in class boiling. Bella had been verbally attacked because I talked to her. That was unacceptable and I needed to find a way to correct this. I would not allow Bella to be talked to like that. Rose was on the same wavelength as me and going through options to deal with Jessica. One thing I love about Rose, she has a vindictive side and it seemed her hackles were up for Bella. Or at least she was ready to play and let Bella be her excuse. Either way Jessica would be dealt with.

I sat through class burning, itching to get out. I wouldn't be able to see Bella again as she was done with class before me and usually went straight home. I did though spend time keeping track of Jessica. I would be talking to her yet today. When my chemistry lecture got out I had a few minutes to kill before my next class and I knew that Jessica was back in the quad.

I hurried over and caught her eye; I titled my head to the side to let her know I wanted to talk to her. She jumped up and came over to me. I smiled and walked outside, I didn't want to have this conversation with others around.

When we got outside I walked to a semi secluded spot and turned on her. Vampires can do two main things with our appearance. We are beautiful and can draw in humans to can drink their blood. We can attract them so much that they would all but beg for us to kill them they are so hypnotized, or we can let the monster show. When we do that there is no veneer and fear is all that is left for humans to feel.

When I turned to Jessica I had dropped all traces of my human side. The monster was fully showing. I even retracted my lips so that my teeth showed. Jessica turned white and her heart stuttered. She was shaking and I could smell the adrenaline pumping through her system.

"I don't know what I have to do to get you to understand that I am not interested in you, I have never been interested in you, and I will _never _be interested in you. You have NO claim on me and you will stop acting like, and telling people, you do! Leave me alone! This is the only warning you get. If you insist on trying to lay claim to me or tell others that you have a claim, I promise you that you will regret it in ways that you cannot imagine."

I turned and walked away. Jessica's thoughts were chaotic. She was a mess and didn't move for more than 5 minutes. I was satisfied that I got through and that she would leave Bella alone.

When my last class was finally finished I went as fast as I could, while maintaining my human façade, to my car and drove to Bella's house. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Bella. The connection I always felt when near her was stronger than ever. She was sitting outside smelling her tea. Now I knew why which made me smile. She looked very deep in thought and her brow was furrowed. After a time she glanced up and looked right where I was and stared. I was well hidden in the trees and knew she couldn't see me. Nonetheless, I was disconcerted_._ Finally she sighed and shook her head looking away. Her brow furrowed again and she sat contemplating whatever it was that had her upset. Was it Jessica? Was that enough to have her so deep in thought?

Bella sat outside late into the night just thinking. Sometimes she seemed . . . happy? Content? Most often though the thoughts she was having were troubling her greatly. I wish I knew if she was thinking about me and if that was causing her the smiles or the furrowed brow. All at once she stood up and muttered "It doesn't matter anyway, there is nothing you can do and even if you could he'd only hate you." She turned, went in to her kitchen, and gathered the ingredients for the night's baking with slightly more energy than necessary.

I sat watching her, wondering about her comment, and why she was so upset. She didn't seem angry, more like resigned and depressed. Once she was done baking cookies at one in the morning she took a long bath. I tried very hard to ignore the idea of Bella in her bath and finally left for a while so that I didn't feel like I was invading her privacy listening to her bathe.

When I came back she was in bed almost asleep. I sat and watched as the cares of the day slowly lifted from her face as she fell into slumber. This was becoming my favorite part of the day, seeing her face relax and the small furrow that always seemed to be on her brow leave. As she slept she looked like an angel at peace, she truly was beautiful.

That night she dreamed and my breath stopped when I heard her murmur "Edward." She was dreaming of me. There was a slight smile on her face. Oh what was she dreaming? She mumbled something else that was incoherent and how I wished it wasn't so. Then her little brow furrowed again and my heart broke as I heard her utter. "Edward, no I'm so sorry . . . so sorry." She lay still and fell out of dream and I sat stunned. What could this angel be apologizing to me about in dream? There was nothing she could do wrong. I fought so hard to not go into her room and sweep her in my arms and tell her that very thing.

I was still sitting stunned thirty minutes later when the stillness of the night was broken with her whimpers. She was having a nightmare again and I knew it was only a matter of minutes before she started screaming in terror. If watching my angel fall asleep was my favorite time of the day this was the time I came to dread, when the demons that haunted her won, and she was helpless to fight them. This dream seemed to be particularly harsh and she was tossing and turning and I feared she would fall out of her bed. Then she cried words that chilled me. "Jessica please don't, I'm sorry, please don't let them" and she screamed and woke up.

I sat there panting. Had Jessica scared her that badly by telling her to stay away from me? That didn't make sense? Or did Jessica's actions today bring up memories that already haunted her? The thought that Jessica scared her that badly made me consider that I needed to do something more than just tell her to leave me alone. Jessica needed to suffer for causing such a beautiful, troubled, angel so much pain. I knew that I shouldn't do anything more, but I wanted to.

Bella sat up and was shaking. It took her much longer to calm down from this than normal and finally she gave up. She went back downstairs and made a cup of tea and curled up in the big leather chair in her office and sat quietly thinking. At around 3:30 her body gave out and she fell asleep and not moving until 6:30 when she got up and started her day.

I watched her for a few minutes longer before I ran to my car to go home. I had to get ready for class, but more importantly I had an angel to watch over. I was determined to do everything in my power to not allow something like what happened yesterday to happen to her again. She wouldn't know it, but I would be her protector in every way that I could. I hoped she would allow me in her life so I could offer her protection from everything she feared and all the demons that plagued her.

* * *

So are you happy with their first meeting? I had more reviews for the last chapter then any other. THANK you! So many of you wanted to tell me your thoughts about them meeting. Now tell me if the meeting was as you thought? better? or worse?

As you know I don't own these character, SM does. I just am playing with them for a while.

My thanks to MidniteSerenade for beta'ing for me, keeping me on track and basically making sure I behave. Thanks to Hev99 for listening to my ramblings about vampires and what they should and shouldn't be able to do. Lastly to all the forum girls, Hev99, 4StringQueen, Lorilei, and BellaEdwardCullen you guys make me smile, come join us as see how crazy we all are, link in my profile.

Do you want to see the outfit that poor Edward was stressing over? I have a link to a picture in my profile!

This week I am rec'ing multiple stories by Padme-And-Anikin-4-Ever. She had 3 stories I am currently reading, Silence, The Vampire in the Attic, and Tainted Innocence. All 3 are wonderful, so go read!

Thank you for all that are reading. Each week more of you are adding this story to alerts or favorites and I do a fan girl squeal for each one. A special thank you to all that have reviewed and let me know your thoughts I hope you are liking the teasers.


	11. Working Together

**Chapter 11 – Working Together**

When I got home that morning Alice approached me. _I'll be looking out for Bella. I've talked to everyone and we'll all be on lookout and there is no way that anything like what happened yesterday with Jessica will happen again. I'm sorry I wasn't looking ahead at Bella's future when I left her in the quad. I'll be more vigilant. I promise. _I hugged her to me. "I know Alice. We'll make sure she's safe." I knew that Alice was almost upset as I was that Bella had been attacked. I was so glad I had help with keeping Bella safe.

As I sat in class, later that morning, I pondered how to approach Bella. I wanted to talk to her and find a way to somehow reassure her that she didn't have to worry about Jessica, but first I had to find her. I had no clue what her schedule was on Tuesdays and I didn't want to wait until class tonight when I saw her. I was about to text Alice asking when and where I could find Bella when she texted me first.

11:42 library 3rd floor

At times it was very convenient having a sister that could read the future. I was done with class at 11 and decided to wait at the library for Bella. I stood behind some rows so that she wouldn't see me but where I could see her when she came in. She looked more tired than I was use to seeing her but she still could make my breath catch just taking in the sight of her.

She came in at 11:42 like my sister said and sat at a table in the back. She went to start her iPod but I came up to her before she could. I pulled a chair across from her and as she looked at me a multitude of emotions crossed her face and for a moment her vacant eyes light up with an emotion I couldn't place. Eventually her face settled into a wary expression and her heart sped up.

"Bella, may I speak with you for a moment? I would like to explain something to you. Please?" I implored her trying to be nonthreatening but persuasive. She looked at me for a time and finally nodded slightly. "Can we converse elsewhere? The library is not conducive to conversation. As it is currently lunch time can I persuade you to go somewhere you can eat?" Her eyes got huge and she panicked. I was internally smacking myself because she obviously thought I was asking her to the quad and the idea of walking in with me when Jessica was there had her visibly upset. I thought fast of a way to fix the situation. "There is a coffee shop 2 blocks from here. May I interest you in a quick walk and coffee?" I smiled at her making sure to not show my teeth.

Bella took a deep breath looked around and finally looked directly at me again with a slight furrow in her brow trying to figure out what my intentions were. I held still and looked her in the eye hoping that she would see my sincerity and know I was not going to harm her. She finally nodded and grabbed her bag.

As she got up and walked by me I instinctively placed my hand on the small of her back to guide her and she shivered. I again mentally smacked myself for touching her when she doesn't like to be touched but I couldn't deny the stirring in my belly that I got from the mere contact. We walked to the coffee shop without talking but the silence didn't press or seem strained. I opened the door for her when we got there and she gave me a small smile. She went to order a coffee and I found us some chairs off to the side where we could talk. I listened to her order a venti peppermint white chocolate mocha and a slice of iced lemon bread. I was happy with her order as I knew that it was something that had many calories and I knew she needed them. It also made me realize that she wasn't purposely avoiding all calories but that something else was going on.

"What do you have there?" I asked as she sat down.

She smiled a guilty smile and told me. "It's my guilty pleasure." She took a small drink and hummed in pleasure.

I smiled at her, loving to see her enjoy her coffee. I tried to think of an easy way to guide the conversation to Jessica and her comments. I couldn't think of a segue so I plunged ahead. "Listen Bella, I know what Jessica said to you yesterday and I wanted to talk to you about it." Bella's eyes got huge as she looked at me with apprehension and tensed up. "Jessica was out of line, on multiple levels, and I have already talked to her and reminded her that she has no claim over me and she will not be allowed to continue harassing people in hopes that she can intimidate them so I will be hers. Please do not let her get to you. I promise I will not let her harm you."

Bella took a deep breath and looked out over the café. She thought for a considerable time and looked back at me. "Thank you for explaining that to me. I hope that Jessica leaves you alone, but I doubt that you can stop her if she chooses to retaliate against people she thinks are a threat to her. You can't be everywhere 24/7 and I have learned that people like Jessica are very good at waiting for and creating opportunities to strike."

I sighed, normally she would be right, and there was no way for me to explain that she was protected in ways that she didn't even know about. I simply nodded at her. "I have talked to my roommates and we will all be looking out for you. Jessica was wrong. Please don't let her get to you. She has no right to intimidate people the way she does." She simply nodded at me and didn't argue further.

"Are you ready for class tonight?" I asked, hoping that I could get her to talk a bit more.

She glanced at me. "Yeah, the reading was easy. I'm not too worried about the class. Did you get the reading done?"

I smirked, introductory sociology was not something I needed to spend time studying but I didn't want to sound smug either. "I have it covered, don't worry about me."

She nodded again and we talked for a bit about what she read and it was obvious that she had a sharp mind, not that I was surprised. She slowly loosened up with me and talked in fuller sentences with less hesitation. She continued to watch people around her; while her shoulders never lost their tension, she didn't seem wary of me like she had when we first came in. I was happy we had made progress and she wasn't scared of me.

It was time for me to leave for my class. I considered just skipping it to stay with Bella but thought that less was more, since I was seeing her tonight I decided to go to class.

I looked at my watch, as that was a human thing to do, and told her I needed to go to class. She smiled a small smile, but what made me catch my breath was that her eyes had a small light in them. "Good-bye Edward, I'll see you tonight."

"Yes Bella, you will." I smiled and winked at her and left. As I walked out the door my breath caught, I just wanted to turn around and go back, I physically hurt leaving her. I wondered if her blood called to me so strongly that it was causing the pain I felt walking away.

For the rest of the day I sighed in frustration waiting for the clock to move ahead for sociology tonight. Alice asked if I wanted to go hunting. Even though I had hunted yesterday morning I figured it wouldn't hurt to find another deer and have my thirst as under control as possible, knowing I was going to be in an enclosed room with Bella for three hours tonight. Since we lived outside the city we never had to go far to find deer. While they weren't as appetizing as carnivores, their blood was still blood and helped control the thirst.

When it was finally time to leave for class, I called Alice to join me. As we drove she asked, d_o you want to talk about Bella? I saw you had lunch with her today. Are you happy with that?_

I sighed and nodded. "Yes, I wanted to talk to her about Jessica. As I am sure you saw, she didn't believe Jessica wouldn't harm her, but I couldn't very well explain to her all the ways that we looking out for her. Hopefully she will calm down once she sees that Jessica leaves her alone. You do see her leaving her alone don't you?"

_I don't see her doing anything right now and I will keep watching. My fear is her making a spur of the moment decision that we don't have time to counter act. _

I nodded again. She was right. Her gift of seeing the future was only as good as the decisions being made. If Jessica decided to do something out of the blue and none of us were around there wouldn't be a lot that we could do. I just hoped that I had scared her enough that she would take her fear to heart and not harm Bella.

We got to class early and sat towards the back waiting for Bella. A few minutes before class I could smell her scent on the air and I prepared myself. She came in and looked around, when she saw Alice she smiled at her, then she saw me sitting there and her smile faltered for a second before she squared her shoulders and smile at me. I smiled back at her and said "Hello Bella, it's nice seeing you here." And I winked at her.

She blushed and chuckled. I was prepared for her blush this time and the scent of her blood rushing to her otherwise pale face. Her blush was beautiful and so innocent in nature. She then looked at Alice and back at me and furrowed her brow looking between us. I couldn't figure out what had her confused.

Alice turned to her and started in. "Bella, I know that you got out of the Kappa party last week but this week I am not taking no for an answer. You have to come to the Gamma party. Friday night. Be there!"

Bella didn't even hear her she was so deep in thought looking between us. I was starting to get worried about what had her distracted I was also trying to figure out why Alice was pushing to have Bella attend a party that we wouldn't be in town to go to.

"Bella!"

Bella turned and looked at Alice. "I'm sorry, what Alice?"

Alice huffed. "The Gamma party! You need to come this weekend. I expect you to be there!"

Bella, who had an extremely pale complexion to begin with, paled visibly and stammered out "No Alice, no. I . . . no I don't think . . . uhm that would be a good idea."

Alice whined back. "Bella, why not? You have to come to some parties this year. I won't take no for an answer."

Bella heart started pounding. "Alice, I'm sorry but I'm not going to be comfortable there. Please just let it alone." Bella was obviously distressed and I was getting mad at Alice for pushing an issue that Bella obviously didn't want to deal with.

"Bella, you went to the Beta party for a while two weeks ago, why can't you go to the Gamma party?"

"Alice . . . "

Alice crossed her arms across her chest. "No Bella I want to know why you won't come."

Bella sighed and sat down heavily in her seat. "Alice, I don't like frat parties. I don't like going to them at all. The only reason I went to the Beta party is because I know Ben, the president, and I trust him enough to not let certain things happen."

I was completely confused. What would be so bad at another fraternity's parties? I've been members of multiple fraternities over the years and all their parties seemed the same to me. Did something happen at a frat party or was this a fear in her head? Alice was thinking along the same thoughts I was but she was happy she pressed Bella and got an answer out of her.

"Fine then, no Gamma party; but you will not be allowed to pass on any of the Beta parties this year, and that includes homecoming."

Bella blanched and I was scared she was going to throw up. Before she could reply the professor started class. I listened to Bella's heart rate race and her breathing was extremely shallow. I wondered why the idea of going to parties had her so upset. On the other hand the thought of seeing her dancing and swaying to music made me happy and excited.

It took Bella quite a long time to get herself composed to the point she could pay attention to the lecture. Once she was able to though, she gave the professor her attention. Just as I imagined, she was extremely focused and took detailed notes. I saw that even though she was concentrating on the professor most of her attention she would occasionally glance around the room taking it and the people in.

When there was thirty minutes left in class I lit up reading the teachers mind. She then started explaining a group project that would be going on for the entire semester. We would be working in groups of 2-4 and could get organized during what was left of class. _I've been waiting for this. We are going to have fun with this project. Bella is going to give us a bit of a hard time but I'm pretty sure we will be able to talk her out of it. _I nodded slightly so that Alice knew I heard her.

"Bella do have a preference on what you want to work on if we split this up or should we just do it all together?"

Bella looked down and chewed on her bottom lip. "Umm, Alice I don't know if you want to work with me on the project. I'm not going to be here the last two weeks of the semester so I won't be able to help with the finalization. I'm sorry." She was whispering by the end and I'm not sure if I didn't have vampire hearing if I would have even caught what she said.

Alice smiled, "That's ok Bella. There's plenty to do here. If you're willing to get us your stuff before you leave Edward and I can compile it with what we do. "

"Are you sure? I feel really bad. I don't like starting projects and not being there to see them finish. "

Alice smiled and hugged Bella. "It's ok. "

Bella looked at me and I smiled at her. "Yeah Bella, don't worry, we'll take care of it. Where are you going to be for two weeks?"

Bella looked down and fingered the cuffs on her wrists. "Umm I just have to take care of some things back home. "

I glanced at Alice. _No I'm not getting anything really. Fragments but nothing clear. I'm guessing that there are still a number of things to be decided on, yet. I'll keep watching._

"I hope everything's ok. Do you need help with anything?" I knew it was a long shot to get an answer but I wanted to try anyway.

Bella glanced at me and tried to smile. "No, thanks. Everything's fine."

I nodded at her and smiled hoping that I looked encouraging.

"So what part of the project do you want to work on?" Alice was looking at the sheet and requirements. "I think that we can do most of this together and it would make the project more cohesive then if we break it out in chunks."

Bella sighed and picked up her sheet. "I don't mind what I do. Just let me know and I'll get it done."

Alice chimed in. "How about this. Why don't we take the first section on introducing our society and get together before class next week and work on it then?"

Bella glanced at me and Alice and agreed that would be fine and Alice said we could talk next week about a time and place. As we started to pack up to leave I didn't want to. I wanted to stay with Bella as long as I could. My throat was burning but the pull towards Bella was stronger now.

"Bella, where are you parked? I don't like the idea of you walking alone at night on campus. Let us walk you to your car."

Bella's eyes widened a bit and she bit her lip. "Uhm, I'm in the lot across the street, not far, I'm sure I'll be fine."

I waved her off. "We're in the same lot. We'll walk with you." I smiled at her and she blushed again and looked down. It really was adorable how easily she blushed. So few girls now a days were affected like that. She brought me back to older, simpler days.

Alice grabbed her arm and tugged her out the door. I followed listening to Alice prattle on about fashion and how Bella and her needed to start shopping for the perfect homecoming dress soon and that she better keep her calendar open. Bella looked back at me at one point with sheer panic in her eyes. I laughed and mouthed to her "Yeah, she's nuts."

Bella tried to stutter out that she wasn't planning on going to homecoming but Alice didn't give her the opportunity to voice her objection and plowed right on over her.

We got to her car and Alice finally took a breath and hugged Bella, who was still in shock, and told her to sleep well and have pleasant dreams, which made Bella glance at me and blush again. Bella got in her car and drove off.

Alice grabbed my arm to get me moving to our car. _You need to find a way to take Bella to homecoming. If she has a date the odds are better she will come and I won't have to drag her there. So you need to make friends with her and ask her. Soon!_

"I don't know Alice, she didn't seem that interested in going to homecoming and I certainly don't want to force her to do things she doesn't want to do."

_You _will _ask her. Find out why she doesn't want to go and get her past it. She needs to go!_ I sighed. Why did the idea of getting Bella to do something she didn't want to do sound so daunting? I spent the rest of the car trip trying to decide how in the world I was suppose to ask Bella to homecoming and get her past whatever it was that troubled her.

After I dropped Alice off at home I ran off to Bella's house. I watched her study, make cookies and go about her nightly routine. When she slept that night she said my name once again but there was no context for what she was saying. She had 3 nightmares, only 1 which caused her to wake up screaming.

On Wednesday I was undecided if I should approach her at lunch. Our family was leaving that afternoon for an extended weekend with a coven of vampires in Denali, Alaska who are close friends. It was going to be sunny here so we wouldn't be in class anyway and we hadn't seen our friends in quite some time. I wanted to talk to and be by Bella, knowing I would be away for a few days, but I also didn't want to push her having had lunch with her two days in a row already.

The decision was pulled from my hands when I saw Angela sitting at the table that Bella usually sits at. When Bella came in she was surprised and happy to see her. I spent lunch listening in to their conversation. They talked of nothing of import; it was nice to see Bella just chatting. She didn't seem quite as relaxed with Angela as she seemed with Alice, but she definitely was close to her.

Bella glanced at me a few times and I tried hard to not seem like I was staring obsessively at her, even though I was. She smiled at me and I smiled back. It took all the strength I had in me to not go over and be closer to her. I knew these next 5 days, being away from Bella and not knowing if she was in trouble were going to be difficult. These plans, though, had been made a while ago and I knew Esme would pitch a fit if I tried to back out. Plus maybe the time away would allow me to put a better perspective on thing with Bella. I needed to get over my obsession with her.

As I thought about being away from Bella I remembered that I wouldn't be here if Jessica tried anything. I looked over at Jessica waiting for her to look at me. When she did glance in my direction I made sure to bare my teeth and glare at her so that she knew that I was still around and watching her. She got the message then gulped and quickly left the quad. I was glad, and hoped that nothing would happen in my absence. If something did I would definitely be paying Jessica back tenfold.

As I was making sure that Jessica understood I wasn't joking about leaving her alone, Bella got up to go to class. When she walked by my table, she smiled and said "Hi Edward."

I smiled back. "Hello Bella". She blushed and continued on her way. My day was made. My angel said hi to me and did so without encouragement of any kind. I was proud she took the chance. I knew it was a chance to her as her heart was beating wildly. Yes I could get through this weekend now that I had seen my angel smile and I would take time to figure out what it was I was experiencing because of her. By Monday when I saw her again I would be better able to deal with all the conflicting emotions that she brought out in me.

* * *

Thank you Ronnie for Beta'ing my chapter for me again, admit it, I am making fewer mistakes!!!!

My Rec this week is Running Home by twitina. It is a sweet story without a lot of angst and is almost done. I love this story and hope you read it.

SM owns the characters and parts of my plot, I just like playing with it all.

Please review I love them all and love responding to questions and ideas. You all make my day!


	12. Mental Meanderings

**Chapter 12 – Mental Meanderings**

I was with my whole family flying to Alaska. I laid my head back against the head rest of our private family jet wishing I could relax and sleep as humans do. I was trying to not let the panic I felt being so far away from Bella pull me under. I kept thinking through all the things that could happen to her. She was so fragile, like all humans. My mind raced with everything that could happen to her - a car accident, sickness, random murder, a bad fall, anything; and I wouldn't be around to help her, to save her.

Alice kept trying to stop my thoughts with constant visions of Bella during the days we would be gone, and all of them showed a healthy Bella. I still was worried being so far from her. Jasper was trying to send me waves of calm as my brooding panic was upsetting him. I truly felt bad that my mood was affecting him and I tried to not dwell on the "what ifs." I needed to focus on the here and now and get my thoughts of Bella in order.

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. Esme came up to me her thoughts loving and kind and full of nothing but worry for my turmoil. "Tell me about Bella." I heard Rose growl. She didn't want to hear about humans this weekend; her goal was to get away from it all, I had hoped that letting her pilot would improve her mood but it didn't seem to be working well.

"She's beautiful. She has long, long brown hair that is colored with dark gold and red strands. She has deep brown eyes," I frowned for a minute. "They are usually blank and without emotion, but sometimes there's a flicker and her eyes light up and are beautiful. But whether they are dull or alive I find that I drown in them trying to know what she is thinking and feeling. She is 5'4" and way too skinny. She isn't eating nearly enough. Her clothes are oversized and baggy, so I image she wasn't always as skinny as she is now. Her skin is an incredibly pale color that is almost translucent, but she blushes easily and the delicate pink that flushes her face is gorgeous. She's a bit clumsy and can't seem to walk over a smooth surface without tripping on air." I said the last part with a smile. "And she likes to smell her tea to calm down."

I paused trying to decide what else I wanted to say when Emmett jumped in, "Sounds like you're crushing on the human bro."

I growled. "Emmett I am not crushing on the human. I am simply answering Esme's question!" The thoughts of my family filtered through my head, Alice and Jasper were again trying to shut me out; Carlisle was surprised by my comments, but was not letting me see what he was truly thinking, either; Esme as overjoyed and happy; Emmett was making kissing noises; and Rose was fuming and trying to ignore us all.

Esme turned to me after shushing Emmett. "She sounds beautiful my dear. Have you or Alice made any head way on what is troubling the poor girl?"

I explained what I had seen the last few days and the question I had about her going to or participating in a trial. Carlisle was especially interested in that and was upset that Jasper was not able to get any information on Bella Swan through an internet search. He was troubled that just the action of digging in Bella's past would cause a chain reaction that would lead to her leaving. His thoughts then turned in another direction and I blanched at what he was thinking.

"NO!" I roared.

Everyone turned to me. Carlisle held his hands up, "Edward, I am just thinking. We have no idea. Don't panic. We are all watching her and nothing will happen."

Emmett sighed, he hated one sided conversations. "Hello, all of us around here, wanna share?"

Carlisle stayed looking at me as he answered. "I was just wondering if it was possible that Bella was in some kind of witness protection program and that is why her name isn't showing up and why she could be testifying in a trial. Someone may be after her."

I growled. Part of me hoped someone came after her so I would have the satisfaction of killing them. I wouldn't drink their blood. No, nothing so corrupt and malignant would enter me, but die they would. Most of me was terrified though of someone coming and harming her. I had heard stories of protected witnesses being found and killed. I would not let that happen to her.

Alice filtered through Bella's future and shook her head, "I don't see anyone coming to harm her. But that doesn't mean that she isn't being protected, I guess."

"No one _will_ harm her!" It was a fact, I wouldn't allow it. Then I started thinking the possibility of someone trying to harm her now, while I was gone. I panicked and Jasper laid a hand on me.

_Brother calm down. If someone was after Bella this weekend there would already be a decision made and Alice would've seen it. Alice is always looking out for Bella. She won't let anything happen to her either. Calm down._ Jasper sent waves of calm at me and I felt myself relax. He was right; Alice would see if anything that significant was going to happen to Bella.

The rest of the plane ride was pretty quiet. Everyone's thoughts on their own ramblings; mine with Bella. When the plane landed we exited and got in two cars that were in our private hanger and drove to our friend's house.

Our coven of 7 and the Denali coven of 5 were the only "vegetarian" vampires I knew. That is what we jokingly referred to ourselves as since we abstain from human blood. Carlisle has never drunk from a human. When he was human he was the son of a zealous priest who hunted vampires and considered them the most blasphemous of monsters. On a raid against vampires Carlisle was caught and changed, because of his upbringing, he was so ashamed of what he had become; and his love of humanity was so strong that he couldn't kill a human. He tried desperately to kill himself but was never able to, as vampires are extremely hard to kill. One day after having starved himself for months, he came across a herd of deer and with no thought fed off of them. At that point he realized that though he was a monster, he didn't have to kill humans.

Thus Carlisle existed for centuries, alone as a non-human killing vampire. He desired a companion and during the Spanish Influenza that hit Chicago in 1918 he treated both my mother and father who died and saw something in me that caused him to change me instead of letting me die. I woke up after the pain in a panic, needing to eat; hearing the thoughts of everyone around me; and experiencing the heightened awareness that being a vampire brings. I started off like Carlisle and didn't feed from humans. I did eventually go through a rebellious period where I sought out humans. Since I could read their minds I felt I could determine who deserved to die and who was innocent and didn't deserve to be killed. After a few years alone I finally realized that I was not God and it was not my place to determine who lives and who dies. I came back to Carlisle and have abstained from human blood since that time.

Esme was changed when Carlisle found her broken and battered after she jumped from a cliff in hopes of killing herself. She was brought to the morgue because she was so close to death. Carlisle felt a pull to her; changed her and she has been his mate ever since. It would not occur to her to feed off of humans. She has slipped a few times over the decades but very rarely.

Carlisle found Rosalie near death after her fiancé and his friends had raped her and left her for dead. He changed her in hopes that I would find with her the happiness he found with Esme. That was never going to happen, Rosalie was too self absorbed for me to love; at the time I doubted she could love anyone more than herself. Rose is the only other person in our coven that has never tasted human blood. Seeking vindication, she killed the men who raped her, but she never fed from their blood.

Rosalie found Emmett when she was hunting. He was being mauled by a bear. She ran 2 hours with him bleeding in her arms for Carlisle to change him. Emmett is the most cavalier of our lifestyle. He likes humans and doesn't want to kill them; but he also doesn't let guilt besiege him when he does slip, which hasn't happened in more than two decades.

Lastly Alice and Jasper, they came to our Coven in the 50's. Alice was abandoned by whomever changed her, which is rare. She has no memories of her human life. She could have ended up extremely savage but with her visions she knew that she would someday meet with our coven and early on tried to embrace an animal only diet. When she finally found Jasper she was complete with her mate. Jasper had drunk from humans for almost 100 years. This lifestyle of animals only was very difficult for him, but for Alice he would do anything. Alice wanted to be with us.

The coven in Denali is completely different and their reasons for abstaining are different for the most part. The coven started with Tanya, Irina, and Kate. These three ladies love intimacy and learned how to control themselves and take human male lovers. After that they struggled drinking the blood of humans so they now drink only from animals and still have sex often with humans.

They were joined eventually by Eleazar and Carmen. Eleazar use to be part of the guard for the Volturi but developed a conscience all on his own. We call it developing a conscience, the desire to no longer drink from humans. He left the guard with is mate Carmen and joined the Denali sisters.

Because, as far as we knew we were the only vampires who abstained from human blood, we tended to keep in touch with each other and remained friends. In fact, we considered the Denali coven extended family. We hadn't visited in a few years and normally I would have been looking forward to the trip and change of scenery but I couldn't get my worry over Bella out of my head.

When we pulled up to the house everyone was outside waiting for us. The usual round of hugs, greetings and why did we wait this long to see each other went off. We went inside and spent a long while catching up. I was distracted for most of the conversation thinking about Bella; periodically Alice would grab my attention and show me visions of Bella and what she was doing right then. She seemed to be as normal as I had ever seen her so I tried to not worry.

Finally towards morning I decided to get away from everyone. If I was going to do some soul searching about Bella I needed some peace for it. As I was leaving Tanya followed me. I could hear that her thoughts were of concern and that she just wanted to know if I was ok. I had decided to not tell any of the Denali coven about Bella. Humans mixing with our world was always a dangerous thing. Not only was the safety of the human a concern because of our ever present blood lust, there was always the Volturi and their brand of justice to consider. While helping Bella was not against the rules, I knew that things would get dicey if she got suspicious about us. The more we were in contact with her the more likely it was that she would get suspicious. I didn't want the Denali's to have to lie or be viewed in any way as collaborating with us if we got in any trouble.

I slowed down and stopped so that Tanya could talk to me and I could go on to be alone. _Edward, are you ok? I know you're pensive a lot but you seem more withdrawn than normal._

I sighed. "Yeah Tanya, I'm ok. I just have some things going on that I need to think through."

_Girl trouble. _ She thought with conviction. I raised my eye brows at her. Why did she assume it was a girl? She laughed, _Oh Edward, only a girl could tie a guy in ribbons like you seem to be. Let me guess she isn't a vegetarian? Or does her mind drive you nuts?_

I chuckled, if only it were that simple. "No Tanya, nothing like that, I promise. I am not having girl trouble, not like what you mean anyway."

_Edward you may think it isn't what I mean but I bet it is. Things may not have worked out with us but if you need to talk let me know._ She hugged me and ran back to the house.

I continued on, thinking about Tanya. She was a remarkable woman and someone that I considered a great friend. Many decades ago she thought about us being more then friends but I wasn't interested. I sighed as I kept running, letting my thoughts descend in a direction I didn't often go.

When I was changed in 1918 I was a product of my time. I would never enter into a physical relationship with a woman to whom I was not married. Vampires mate instantly, eternally, and it is always mutual, so I saw no need to enter into any kind of relationship with a woman when either she or I could mate with someone else at anytime. Emmett constantly joked about me needing to have sex to loosen up. It wasn't going to happen.

To be honest as a vampire I have never even had an erection. Before I even have the chance to find a woman attractive I hear her thoughts. I am pulled into her ideas, her wants, her fantasies and it always turns me cold. Not that I am always repulsed by what the woman is thinking, but I feel like any chance I have to have my own thoughts are taken from me as I hear hers. There is no wonder of does she like me, or first love, or anything like that as I know exactly what she thinks and then I wonder if I am thinking what I am because of her thoughts or my own. I can't even imagine how complicated sex would be.

And therein lays my fear. Would I always be alone? Is there a vampire out there that I could mate and feel complete and autonomous with? I know that I will have no control over whom I mate with, if I ever do, and that scares me. I admit to myself that this is one of the few fears I have. Who will this vampire that I mate with be? Every mated couple I see seems complete and matched so I know that my fears are not solid but I can't grasp what kind of woman I would want to live out eternity with.

One of the things I hate most about being called to help the Volturi is that they only call when there is a problem. What if I am called to Italy to help them and find myself mated to a woman sentenced to death? Vampires mate once, and with my luck that is exactly what would happen, I would find an instant of completeness only to have to torn from me.

Or the more likely scenario is that she will be a human feeding vampire since I already know all the animal eating vampires and I have not mated with them. What does that mean for me and my family? Our coven is tightly bound together and I expect that any vampire I would mate with would be drawn inextricably into those same bonds. A human feeding vampire just wouldn't fit in our family. Would I be forced to leave them? The thought is depressing; I love my family and can't imagine leaving them and going off on my own with a vampire just because of her diet.

So I suffer alone. I admit that it is incredibly hard to be in a house with 3 happily mated pairs, seeing how each individual is more complete with their mate. Truly vampires are meant to be mated. Like the Chinese imagery of two birds with one wing neither can fly until they are together and then they soar. I know that I have been alone for 90 years and that Carlisle and Jasper were unmated longer than that, but they also weren't surrounded by mated vampires trying to be human.

Sometimes I really wonder what my existence would be like if I were mated. I know that for the last few years, decades if I am completely honest with myself, I have been in a funk. I have no interest in things I use to love; every day seems the same and boring. I drift with no purpose or end in sight. Would I feel anchored with a mate?

Mates have the amazing ability to be anything for each other. I have watched the couples in my house change and grow together. When one was individually suffering a trial, their mate was always the one to bring healing and peace - the bond between them being sufficient for each other in all things. I imagine having that bond with someone, someone to take away my melancholy and replace it with wonder and joy.

I let my thoughts continue to wonder. I didn't think about my not having a mate often but for some reason today I just wanted to wallow in being alone. Maybe it was my way of understanding a piece of what Bella was feeling; maybe I just was a broody emo vampire. Who knows?

Eventually I heard Emmett coming looking for me. _Dude, are you out here PMS'ing still? What has you so worked up? Alice is keeping tabs on Bella so stop worrying. _

I pinched the bridge of my nose. How could I explain to Emmett, in a way that he would understand and not use as ammunition against me, that I just felt empty and void being away from Bella. It wasn't just fear that she was in danger, but the need to be by her, to see her, to hear her. I decided there was no way to explain so I shrugged and got up to see what the plan was for the coming days.

I read through Emmett's thoughts that the whole group was going to be playing a hunting game. This was a favorite of Emmett's where each coven would hunt out the biggest of a previously chosen animal to see which would win. Emmett always wanted polar bear but had never been given that chance in the game and he was trying to figure out how to finagle that as the choice.

When we got back everyone was outside. Carlisle looked at Emmett and I tried to keep my laughter to myself reading Carlisle's mind. "Emmett, we all decided that we would compete over moose. I know that you want a bear but I promise before we leave you can go polar bear hunting. Just one!"

Emmett hung his head dejectedly. I almost felt sorry for him. Both groups had 3 three hours to find the biggest moose they could and bring it back. Both covens went off. I walked over to the back porch and sat down by Alice. We never participated because with her gift of seeing and my gift of knowing what she saw and what others thought it was an unfair advantage. Plus then both covens had 5 vampires each.

"So my dear, who wins?"

Alice laughed, _Well the Denali coven knows the best places to look and will find a super moose pretty fast, but on the way back Jasper will find a bigger one._

I simply nodded. I then deliberately decided to ask Alice how Bella was. Since I made the decision Alice saw I was going to ask so I didn't need to say anything out loud. We rarely conversed like this but she understood that I did not want the Denali coven to know anything about Bella. Although they were gone and out of range of any conversation, I still didn't want to take chances.

Alice made a funny face. _She's good as far as I can see._ I gave her a look clearly asking her to continue. _It's hard to explain. I can see her but never far in advance and when I do try to look forward everything seems hazy and cloudy. I don't understand. I don't have problems like this with other humans._

I thought about it and looked at Alice firmly thinking out my question. _Has it always been like that with Bella?_

She thought and tentatively nodded. _Pretty much. There are times when something becomes clearer but it's not usual. Like when she makes a big decision, or more when someone else's decision directly influences her, it's like she doesn't make decisions on her own._

I thought about what she said and filtered it through what I had seen of Bella. _What if you aren't far off? What if she is so into her routine of doing things that she doesn't think through and decide what to do next because it is so rote? What if she does that specifically to avoid making decisions? She just goes through her day plowing along not letting anything influence her?_

Alice sighed and thought through what I was saying. _I guess that could be it. So we do something to spice her life up so that it isn't so routine? I know that shopping always gets me out of any funk I'm in._

I chuckled, shopping always solved any of Alice's problems. _I guess so; though Bella doesn't look like a shopper to me._

_Bite your tongue. If she is going to be my friend she will learn to love shopping._

I felt sorry for Bella. I heard Alice trying to decide which shops Bella would love most and mentally updating Bella's wardrobe.

I looked at Alice, _why did you push her so hard about going to a party? You know she doesn't like them; it's obvious so why push?_

Alice sighed, _Edward you don't know how I hated doing that but I wanted to know more. Yeah I know that she hates parties but why does she hate them? I didn't know if it was frats or the drinking or something specific. Now we know more than we did. Yeah I know it was harsh and I feel bad but if we are going to try to help her we need answers. _

I hated Alice for what she said because it was true. Bella gave no indication that she would be willing to share anytime soon and if we wanted to help her we needed more to go on then supposition.

Finally the game was over and Alice was right that Jasper found the winning moose on the way back from their hunting.

The next few days went by quickly with lots of talking and fun had by all. Tanya didn't ask any more about what was bothering me, and I saw through her mind and those of the others in her coven that she talked to them and told them to let me have peace. All five of them had random thoughts about me and I could see myself through their thoughts seeming more pensive and withdrawn then I normally was. Kate was extremely concerned and wanted to push the issue with me a few times, but I always walked away before she could confront me.

I was very distracted. I couldn't get Bella off my mind. I was so worried that something would happen to her, or that she would need me and I wouldn't be there. My mind imagined countless scenarios of her being hurt or killed and I couldn't shut them off. Plus I felt almost a physical illness being away from her. The pull I felt when I was near her turned into a void that was tearing at me. I tried to talk to everyone and participate but it was a struggle and most of the time not worth my effort.

On Saturday everyone was doing their own thing when Alice found me watching TV with Emmett. _Edward, it's Bella, something's happened_ and she showed me an image of Bella lying on the floor of her house curled in a ball.

Emmett glanced over at us guessing that we were talking together silently. He normally got upset when we did this but he assumed it was Bella and was only concerned. _When does this take place? What is the trigger?_ I thought about saying.

Alice shook her head. _I don't know what the trigger is. As for when, tomorrow I think._

Eleazar and Tanya came in the room to check on things asking Emmett what he was watching. Tanya looked at Alice and me and knew that something was going on and that it wasn't good.

I glanced at Tanya. "Don't worry Alice and I are checking on something." I tried to smile at her but it was more of a grimace and she wasn't placated. _Did Jessica do something?_

Alice scanned Jessica's future and it didn't collide with Bella at all. This wasn't surprising as it was the weekend and therefore no need for Bella and Jessica to see each other. _No, I don't think this was caused by something specific that I can see. I don't see a phone call, a letter or a meeting. I think she just breaks down on her own. What do we do?_

I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to get on the fastest jet so I could get to Bella; I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her that everything would be ok, I wanted to see her smile and not broken. I stopped dreaming and thought practically. _Is she a danger to herself? Do you see her hurting or killing herself?_

Alice sifted through everything she could in Bella's future and there was no indication that she did any harm to herself. Alice shook her head. _No, not direct harm, but Edward she is in pain. _Jasper came barreling in the room feeling Alice's panic and sadness. He grabbed her and looked her in her eyes and communicated with her to calm her down.

Jasper glanced at me. _This is about Bella isn't it? Something's happened to her?_

I nodded at him. Jasper looked at Tanya and Eleazar, "I'm sorry folks, my wife is a tad bit upset over something that happened with a friend. If y'all will excuse us." _Edward, I'm gonna find Carlisle and have Alice talk to him. Stay here so that you don't arouse even more suspicion._

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I wanted to be there for this discussion but I knew I was arousing more than just passing concern with how I was acting so I hoped that Carlisle would decide that we should go home early. Even so, if we did go home early, what would we be able to do for her? None of us were close enough to her yet that just calling out of the blue would get us any information.

Emmett glanced at me. _Are you ok bro?_ I nodded slightly. _Is Bella ok?_ I shook my head. Emmett sighed and turned back to the TV.

Tanya came and sat next to me on the couch. She grabbed my hand. "Edward, I don't know what is going on, but if you need help let us know, we're there for you. Are you going to be ok? You have us all worried."

I looked at Tanya, "Yeah I'm fine. You know how Alice takes on 'projects' well the human she is helping now is in a bad state and we are all worried. That's all." That was more then I wanted to say but I felt I needed to say something and I refused to lie to Tanya. Her coven has always been good to us and we are great friends. I didn't want the Denali's to be involved in any way and I hoped that I said enough that they wouldn't ask questions, yet not so much that they wanted to get involved.

Tanya thought through what I said and I could tell that she wasn't satisfied with the answer I gave but she wasn't going to push any further. I smiled and squeezed her hand lightly before letting go.

A while later Carlisle came in with Alice, Jasper, Rose and Esme. "I am so sorry Tanya but it appears that there is a slight emergency back home that we need to attend to. We'll need to leave sooner than expected."

I breathed a deep sigh of relief, I would be going home to Bella, and I needed to see her.

* * *

AN – I am sure that you are all able to keep up but I want to make sure that we are all on the same page at this point, or going forward things may be a bit confusing.

Yes Edward and Bella are mated. They mated instantly back in chapter 2 and neither one knows it yet. You may ask why Edward is so clueless? Well to him it is not in his realm of thought that he could have mated with a human. He thinks his draw to her is because of her blood, or her silent mind, or her PTSD, anything other than being mated.

Now the important thing to grasp is that in my story this is a mutual thing. So Bella, while not knowing anything about being mated to Edward, is feeling many of the same pulls and draws towards him that he is towards her and she has NO clue why. All she knows is that this is not part of her plan for life and she is completely confused.

I do NOT want to make light of Bella's situation. In the description of this story I said that there will be rape discussed, yes that is part of what is wrong with Bella, only part, and I am trying to be realistic that someone that has been through trauma that Bella has been through would NOT be touchy feely happy with a guy easily. That is why Jacob is in the story, to show you how she reacts to a normal, non-threatening boy. Her draw to Edward is outside of normal and she is very confused by it all.

That is the premise of this story. That Edward can heal her _because_ they are mated in this super natural world. I do not think that this story, while completely fiction, is realistic with human on human, and only works because of the vampire angle.

So I hope that makes more sense if you didn't catch it all.

Also since I already have a huge AN I thought I would address a question that I have been asked many different ways. You will find out what happened to Bella when Edward finds out. He won't be finding out anything concrete until after the trial that was mentioned and a huge drama that takes place afterwards. So it is a ways off, which I think is realistic, Bella doesn't want to share with anyone what happened with her and she has major trust issues. This is not something that is brought up over at tea so sorry to say you will have to wait for a little while.

* * *

Thanks all for reading. *sigh* I think that we have most of the background covered and we move on to Bella and Edward building a relationship now. Please review and tell me what you are thinking. Since my AN is so long I will leave it here with a quick thanks to MidniteSeranade for her awesome Beta'ing skills that were much needed this chapter as I had a lot of mistakes and hand holding to be done. I am posting a bit early than my normal Tuesday because I am sick and don't want to worry about this tomorrow.


	13. A Haunting Past

**AN – There will be discussion of Suicide in this chapter. No scenes.**

**Chapter 13 – A Haunting Past**

By the time we left Denali, Alaska and made it home it was Sunday morning. I drove straight to Bella's house accompanied by Alice and Jasper. Bella was home and the scene was exactly what Alice had seen. She was on the floor curled in a ball not making a sound. I listened and heard her even, steady heart beat and breathing and when I took a deep breath in I smelled no blood so I assumed she was not physically in trouble. The pain I felt though, having been away from her scent for four days and coming back to it now, brought me to my knees.

"Are you ok?" Jasper whispered. I nodded and resumed taking shallow breaths. Obviously I was going to have to reacclimate myself to her scent.

"Do you see her leaving any time soon?" I quietly asked Alice. I was not going to go in her house with her there.

Alice searched out her future and didn't see her leaving. She thought about calling but saw that Bella would not answer her phone. She saw nothing we did would change and make Bella leave.

Alice was beyond upset and Jasper was doing all he could to calm her. I hadn't realized how incredibly attached Alice was to Bella until this moment. I had never seen her act like this with any human before and I didn't know what to make of it. I looked at Jasper hoping he could help her or help me understand what to do for Alice.

"Alice she's ok. We know she isn't hurt; you haven't seen her hurt herself; and we'll stay here all night to make sure that doesn't happen." I took Alice's hand in mine as I spoke to her, trying to convince myself as much as her, that Bella would be ok.

"Edward! You don't understand. Bella . . ." Alice sighed, "Edward, Bella is more important to us, to you, than you understand."

I growled. "Alice, I know you have been blocking something from me," I glared over at Jasper. "You, too. What is going on? What are you not sharing? If it concerns Bella I want to know." Jasper and Alice were both doing their best to shut me out of their heads and thinking of sex with each other. I growled and glared at them both.

Jasper tried to calm me down. "Edward calm down. We aren't against you; please we want to help Bella. We want to help you help Bella. Please. We are not trying to hurt you or her, but Alice and I have had private conversations that we just don't want to share right now. We are mates and are allowed some privacy."

I didn't want to call my brother a liar but I knew he wasn't telling me the whole truth either. I also knew that I would not get more out of either of them. I had to have faith that they would tell me what I needed to know if there was any way to help Bella.

"Jasper, tell me about Bella. I assume she is in pain and sad?"

Jasper thought for a bit and responded for Alice, "It's hard to describe. She's in pain, an immense amount, but it is like she is trying to block the feelings and ignore them. They are hazy and unfocused. I can't imagine what the full measure of that pain would feel like, debilitating."

We all sat watching Bella lie there unmoving for hours. Periodically her entire body would shiver, the only indication she was still awake. Alice was very upset and sent off a few texts to Bella. We saw Bella read them all but she never responded.

A little after four Bella's phone rang and she sighed and answered. Jasper and I looked at Alice to see if this was good or bad. "Good, I think." She kept watching what would happen as Jasper and I watched the phone call unfold in real time.

"Hello," Bella said quietly.

There were four people that responded back at her. I remember Bella talking to her friend Emily about a conference call. I didn't know she was serious. I recognized Emily and Seth's voice and pointed them out to Jasper.

"Bella how are you? I want the truth; we all know what week it is." A girl I didn't recognize said.

"I'm ok Claire. I'm just trying to take it minute by minute right now." Bella answered. She remained curled in a ball on the floor as she talked.

The conversation continued and was hard to follow. It was obvious that this was a close knit group of friends as they talked of past things and people that I didn't know. It was also obvious that this phone call was specifically for Bella and the people talking to her were trying to get a read on how she was doing and trying to cheer her up. They expected her to be doing badly but no one was talking directly about it.

After a half hour of conversation the phone call was ending, Bella had said little until the end. "Emily, can you do me a favor?"

"Of course Bella, what?"

"Umm, I am not going to be going home this week and so I won't be talking to my parents. Will you please go visit them for me? Maybe get something nice for mom? She always liked sunflowers."

"Yeah Bella. I'll go visit them; I'll tell them you're doing well, ok?"

Seth then chimed in, "Bella, we will all be calling you this week. Please answer us; if you don't we will call the police to come look for you. We're worried about you."

"Seth I promise, I'm fine."

"Yeah Bella, you said that last year and I found you almost dead after you tried to kill yourself. You would be dead if I had gotten to you 5 minutes later. Just keep in touch ok."

"I will, but I promise no suicide attempts this year, I have things to do right now."

Seth sighed, "Yeah and come the last trial, what then?"

Belle remained silent.

After a few minutes everyone said their good-byes and hung up. Bella closed her phone and continued to lay there. Alice looked to the future, "She is going to lie there all night and not move at all. She'll finally get up to go to school in the morning but until then this is how she'll be, I don't even see her sleeping."

"Did either of you know that she tried to kill herself?" Jasper inquired.

Both Alice and I shook our heads. I was beside myself thinking of the implications of the fact that one year ago Bella tried to take her life and her friends knew and feared her to do so again. Alice was again upset in ways I had not seen before and Jasper kept trying to calm her.

Eventually Jasper and Alice left, but I stayed the night watching my angel. My heart broke for her. I thought through the conversation I had overheard. She didn't talk to her parents. Why was that? Did she leave her parents or did her parents leave her? If her friend was telling her parents about her did that mean that Bella didn't see them by choice? I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea that one year ago she tried to take her life. I morbidly wanted to know what happened while at the same time my body physically shuddered at the thought and didn't want to hear more. Then the last trial? How many trials did she have and what were they for? How could I get this information and honestly did I want it?

When morning came I ran home to change quickly so that I could go back to Bella's. I arrived back in time to see her leave and I jumped up into her still open window and breathed her scent. My throat burned and the monster raged in a way he hadn't since the beginning of my being around Bella. I was glad I decided to take my time this morning and get use to her scent again. I eventually made my way downstairs and lay down where she had laid all night. I curled up and reveled in lying where she had been. Her scent was so strong here and eventually the burn lessened, though it never went away.

I went to school and sat to get ready for lunch. I received a text from Alice telling me that Bella was not doing well. I was anxious to see her. When she came in I was shocked. Bella was hunched over and so white if I wasn't a vampire and could hear her beating heart, I may have thought she was a walking corpse. He body was strung so tightly I was worried it would break. Her eyes had extremely dark circles under them, showing her already deprived sleep was worse than normal.

I looked at Alice. _I know, she isn't even responding to anything I say. She isn't _here. _I'm scared._

Bella walked over to the table she sat at and collapsed in her chair, never having looked up or acknowledged where she was in any way. I watched Alice try to get Bella's attention. "Bella, do you want to talk about it?" Bella didn't even hear her.

Alice placed her hand on Bella's arm, which caused her to flinch. "Bella!" Bella turned slowly and looked at Alice. "Hon, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." Bella responded with a quiet, hollow voice then looked back down at her hands in her lap.

Alice turned to me. She looked broken. Jasper walked over to Alice and sat next to her, trying to give her some comfort. He looked at Bella and sent waves of peace and calm towards her but they had no effect.

Emmett was next to me, _Edward, what's going on?_ _Alice told us all about the phone call last night and I expected Bella to be a bit out of sorts this morning having heard what I did, but this! This is insane. No wonder her friends are worried about her._

I talked back to quietly for humans to hear, "Emmett I don't know what's going on. We'll just keep watching."

I sighed; time seemed to stand still with us watching Bella. Alice and Jasper tried to have a normal conversation at her table and multiple times tried to include her but she never heard a word they said. When it was time for her next class she slowly got up, looked at Alice and Jasper and quietly said, "See ya around." She then walked away with her head hanging down.

As soon as I was done with class I went to Bella's house where she was curled up in the chair in her study staring at the wall. I was watching her for almost an hour when her phone rang. She glanced to see who it was and answered. "Hello, Sam." This was one of the people she talked to yesterday.

"Hey Bella. How are you doing? Scratch that, I know how you're doing, I'd ask if there is anything I can do to help but I know there isn't anything you'll let any of us do."

"Sam, I'm sorry. I am not trying to be difficult; this is just something I need to get through alone. This isn't something that can be fixed, or wished away. It just is."

"Bella have you been praying? Have you been reading your Bible? Please tell me you haven't given up on God."

Bella blew out a breath. "Sam, it's so hard. I have tried to pray but I just get stuck. I don't know what to read in the Bible either. I don't want the uplifting Romans walk and I don't want Isaiah and being more depressed with those that turned from God. "

"Bella you know that God hears the prayers we can't even say, 'The Spirit prays for us when all we can do is moan and groan' Romans 8:26. You know what I say, pick up the Bible and let it fall open and start reading. I know how much comfort you find in it.

"Listen, I'll tell the others that I called and you are ok today and hopefully no one else will bug you, but you know Seth. Just please take some time and think about it. You know we are all worried about you and we'll be there for you if you need to talk. Also go EAT! You are too skinny and I know you, you haven't eaten in a while so please eat something."

"Thanks Sam, you all don't know how much it means to me that you're there for me. It really does help. I promise to eat. Now go take care of Emily and give her a hug from me."

Bella hung up and looked back at the wall. For a while she seemed to actually be seeing, before her eyes misted into void again. She slowly got up and made a small dinner of oatmeal and jam toast. While she ate it she pulled out her worn Bible and turned to Psalms and started reading. From time to time she would look up and think about what she was looking at with her brow furrowed.

After she was done with dinner she pulled out her school books and tried to work on school work but it was obvious her head was not in it and she was not concentrating. After a while she gave up and slammed her book shut. She walked up to her bedroom grabbed a pillow and went to her office, curled up on the window seat with a blanket and hugged her pillow to her. She sat there for the rest of the night mostly looking out the window not seeing. Finally a little after one she fell asleep for the first time. She woke often throughout the night and found little peace when she was sleeping.

I left Bella early Tuesday morning as I had class before she did. I dressed quickly hoping that I could see her before class tonight. I knew she didn't have any afternoon classes and often wouldn't go to the quad but went straight home after her last class in the morning. I decided to call Alice to see if we could find a way to get her to come to the quad. Alice picked up before the phone it even rang. "I'll see what I can do. I don't meet with her at all on Tuesdays but I'll text her." Twenty-three minutes later Alice texted me to let me know that Bella would meet us both for lunch. I was incredibly relieved and excited to have lunch with Bella.

I sat at her table, as I thought of it, waiting for Bella to get there. Alice came in first and sat with me showing me a vision of what Bella was looking like today. Again the walking dead was an apt description.

When Bella came in she sat down and looked completely dejected. She glanced at Alice and then looked at me. Her eyes lingered for a brief moment before she looked away. "So Alice, what's up? What did we need to talk about?"

"Well I know that we talked about meeting tonight but I thought we could get a jump on things and meet now instead. I hope that's ok." Bella looked confused. "Our sociology project. Remember?"

A look of dawning hit Bella. "Of course, I'm sorry I totally forgot. I promise I am not usually so absent minded." She looked sheepish and disappointed that she let us down.

I instantly wanted to comfort her. "Bella, it's ok, we have all semester. We just wanted to get an early start, if you don't want to work on it right now we can wait. Bella it's what you need, and we are here to work together." I hoped that she got that I was talking about more than a simple sociology project.

Bella looked up at me. Her eyes bore into mine. I looked back not knowing what she was looking for. She held my gaze and eventually shook her head slightly and looked away. "No, now is as good a time as any. What do we want to get done?" Her voice was still hollow and she seemed to be grasping for some type of control but she was holding her own.

Alice pulled out our project parameters and we started to talk and tentatively plan out simple particulars on our society. Alice was exuberant as always and took over most of the project. I interjected to try and calm Alice down and Bella periodically offered a differing point, which was always well thought out.

After we had been talking for a bit Bella's phone rang. She sighed and pulled it out apologizing. When she saw who it was her eyes widened and her heart rate picked up. "Hello."

"Hello Bella, it's Jenks. I see from your schedule you don't have class right now, can we talk for a few minutes?"

"Ah, um. Yeah can you give me a minute?" She looked up at me and Alice and said. "I am so sorry I have to take this. Do you mind if I have a minute of privacy?" Her eyes beseeched us. We both said it was not a problem and walked over to sit by Rose and Jasper letting her think she had privacy when our entire table was focused on her and her conversation.

"Hi, Mr. Jenks. What can I help you with?" She was very tentative and pulled a leg up on her chair hugging it to her. I have no idea how but she managed to pull more inside herself and turn whiter then she had been.

"Bella I know what week it is for you and I wanted to talk to you about a few things. Number one have you had any reporters track you down or any issues with anyone finding you? I am not anticipating any problems but I want to make sure you're ok."

"No sir, I haven't had any problems."

"Good, if you do let me know. I will be happy to contact the Seattle PD and have them help you. In fact I have already asked that they do a couple extra drive bys by your house to make sure you are ok. Don't worry I haven't told anyone anything I just want to make sure you're safe."

"Thank you Mr. Jenks, I appreciate it."

"Next, there has been no movement on Riley's trail. I have been digging and from what I am finding there is little hope that an insanity plea will work. Bella, he _will_ be tried for both murders and will not be able to plea down." Bella started shaking and was biting her lip so hard that I was waiting for it to start bleeding. "At this point the case is solid and we have no worries. With you testifying it becomes a slam dunk. I will tell you though, I'm expecting the defense to call into question your mental condition so when you come in Dec I would like you to submit to a formal Psych exam to prove you're of sound mind and able to give testimony. This is mostly an unnecessary step but I want to make sure there are no holes for Riley to slip through. Ok."

"Yes sir."

Jenks voice softened from the business tone he had been using to a much more personal one. "Bella tell me, how are you doing? I know what week it is and I want to know if you are ok. I don't want a call from the police telling me that you OD'ed on meds again trying to kill yourself."

"I promise, no OD'ing. I _will_ be there in December." Bella was still shaking.

Jenks sighed. "Bella you know that I am concerned about you for you. Do you know what you're going to do after the last trial? I have been looking and there are no new witnesses coming forward so Paul's trial should be in February. After that you're done. What will you do then?"

"I don't know." Bella whispered.

"Ok Bella, We'll talk more when I see you in December. Please take care and if you need help with something let me or Phil know. He's still keeping track of you right?"

"Yeah he still keeps track of me."

"Ok you take care. Bye."

"Bye."

The thoughts of Alice, Rose and Jasper were flooding my mind and I could barely keep up. Finally Rose stepped in and spoke quietly so no one could here."Murder? I thought we were talking assault, rape or battery? Who in the hell was murdered?"

Jasper answered, "I have no clue but I can tell you that Bella has immense guilt over it. I mean to the point that I wonder if she killed someone herself."

I couldn't picture the broken woman I was seeing hurting anyone much less murdering someone. Plus she wasn't on trial but testifying. Did she think that she caused someone to get killed?

Rose was asking questions again. "Who is Paul? Is that about the murderer or something else? Why is this girl in so much trouble?" In her thoughts I could hear a lessening of the animosity towards Bella then had been there before. Rose had been trying to hide it but she couldn't from me. She was incredibly jealous of the attention that Bella was getting, particularly from me and Emmett. She didn't get why Emmett was so distracted by a human and didn't want him talking to girls even though she knew he loved her more than anyone. As for me, it was Rose's vanity that was her undoing in not giving Bella a fair shot. She didn't like that I was obsessed with Bella when I barely cared about her. Rose thought the world should revolve around her and she didn't like that I didn't agree. As long as I didn't care about anyone she dealt with it but now that I was showing that I care about a person she was mad it wasn't her.

I shrugged I had no answers for anyone. I sat staring at Bella. What was this girl's story? Somehow a "simple" assault or rape did not sound like it covered her past.

Bella hadn't moved at all, lost in thoughts that plagued her. Suddenly she shook her head, almost like she was coming out of water, and looked around as if to figure out where she was. She caught Alice's eye and indicated that we could come back over and sit down.

We both went back over and tried to act like we didn't have a million questions to ask or that we had over heard her entire phone call. Alice asked, "Everything alright Bella?"

"Yeah, yeah everything's fine." Bella attempted to smile but it looked more like a grimace.

We continued talking about our project for a bit until Alice and I needed to leave for class. Bella packed up her things and followed us out.

I didn't pay attention to a thing my professors said the entire afternoon. All I could do was think through the two conversations Bella had had in the last 24 hours. She was obviously in a lot of trouble but how much and was there still a threat to her out there? Was there more than one thing her in past that broke her? Obviously something happened this week in history but were there other weeks that were also bad for her?

I went home after class was done. As badly as I wanted to see Bella I wanted to talk to Carlisle and Esme about what we now knew. Rose had already told Esme; and Carlisle was going to be home at five so I waited for him. We had a mini family conference where we talked about the new information we had. Emmett was all for tracking down Bella's past and killing anyone that hurt her, I was in agreement with that decision but knew better then to voice my thoughts. Again we all decided to wait and see what we could but Alice was planning on stepping up her desire to get more information from Bella.

As Alice and I were leaving for class she had a vision of Bella coming to class in a taxi and said we were taking two cars so that I could drive Bella home. As we drove off I asked her why I was driving Bella home and not her. Alice didn't give me an answer but said that Bella needed to get close to me so she would be ready for homecoming. I groaned and pinched the bridge of my nose. Times like this I wished I wasn't a vampire that could hold conversations from car to car.

We got into class and Bella was already there and on her phone again. " . . . your birthday. I know you never like celebrating and now you avoid it but please do something nice for yourself."

"Yes Auntie. I promise to do something nice. Ok. I have to go now class is almost ready."

"Ok bye dear, we all worry about you."

"Bye Auntie."

Alice and I sat down. Alice was bubbling, _Bella's birthday, oh I think we should have a party for her, she needs a break._ I kicked her and growled low in my register so that Bella couldn't hear. Alice ignored me and started to plan a party and got a vision of Bella locking herself in the bathroom and avoiding all of us in the future. Alice attempted to change the party's location, theme and no matter what she did Bella reacted horribly and with pain. Alice finally gave in and decided that a party was not going to happen.

Alice talked to Bella for a few minutes and I said hello, which caused her to blush. When Dr. Merrill came in Bella brought her focus to the lecture. I saw her struggle a few times to stay focused and she received two phone calls which she texted a message back saying she was in class and would talk to the person later.

When class was done, Alice bounded up and apologized to Bella saying she needed to get going and would catch her later. Bella tried to smile again. I got up and made a move to walk out with Bella. I didn't want her to know that I knew she hadn't driven here and I did not want her taking a taxi. I was not altogether happy with Alice assuming I would drive her home either. Such an enclosed space as my car with Bella's scent did not seem like a good idea. Just walking next to her caused venom to flow in my mouth.

"So can I walk you to your car again?"

Bella bit her lip. "Uhm. No, I need to catch a cab. I tried to start my car tonight and it wouldn't start."

"Do you know what's wrong with it?"

Bella gave me a look like I asked her to eat dirt. "No. I have no clue about anything related to cars."

I chuckled, "well if you want I can take a quick look."

Bella looked at me confused. "When would you do that?"

I smiled, "Right now, when I take you home!"

Bella's eyes got wide in surprise. "Oh, you're taking me home?"

"Yes Bella. I'm taking you home. It's too late to get a cab and I would not feel right allowing you to do so anyway. I can quickly drive you home. I promise to be a complete gentleman."

Bella looked down at her feet and glanced up at me through her eyelashes, "ok, thanks" She blushed and I swear I had never seen anyone look as tempting or sexy as she did right then. I felt my penis slowly begin to harden as Bella looked at me. I was terrified; I was elated; I was embarrassed. I had never in 90 years had an erection and here this simple broken human girl looks at me and I felt my penis stir for the first time ever. If I needed any proof that I was a monster, I had it now. Who in their right mind could be aroused in this situation? Only a monster.

I turned my head indicating we should go, Bella followed closely behind me. I walked to my car and held the door open for her. She looked up at me in surprised and threw me a small smile. "Thank you" she said softly. I smiled back at her and rounded the car, taking in a deep breath before I got in the car, hoping it would sustain me for the entire car ride.

"So where do you live?" I asked Bella, trying to not notice how the seatbelt fit right in between her breasts, pulling her t-shirt tight. I couldn't believe myself. I had never had thoughts of a woman like this and my penis was becoming harder. I grabbed the end of my shirt as I buckled up trying to mask my sudden issue.

Bella was quiet for the drive, for which I was incredibly thankful. Being locked in a car with her was more difficult than I imagined. I was not breathing but the monster still knew that Bella was there and wanted to break out, though at this point he was tempered by something else. The blood lust was being pushed aside for regular lust. I could feel the heat coming off Bella, sitting so closely to me and I wanted so much to reach over and touch her, too lightly graze her cheek or hold her hand but I didn't.

I didn't want to scare her, and my touching her could very easily do that. I also was afraid of hurting her. I didn't know how to be gentle with a human or how to touch one in any way other then handshakes or similar greetings. What if I went to hold Bella's hand and grabbed it too tightly and broke it. I stopped my train of thought. I couldn't hold Bella's hand. She would never want me. I was a monster and should never think about corrupting an innocent angel like Bella by touching her. The fact that I reacted carnally to her was further proof of my corruption.

We finally arrived at Bella's house; I got out of the car and took a deep breath. I looked over to see Bella getting out of the car and was angry that she didn't let me open it for her. Did she not think I was enough of a gentleman to do so?

I shook my head trying to clear it. "So can you pop the hood of your car and I'll take a look."

Bella smiled at me and did as I asked. "Can I get you something to drink or to eat?"

I chuckled. "No I'm fine Bella." I looked at Bella's car and found the problem. Her alternator was bad; I would be able to fix it once I got a new one. Maybe I could put it in for her tomorrow.

I sat down next to where Bella was on the front step and told her what I found. She was looking off in the distance at something that wasn't there. I doubt she had heard a thing I said. I carefully nudged her leg. "Are you ok?"

Bella started and looked at me. "Yeah, I'm sorry I was kinda out of it."

"Wool gathering?"

Bella gave me a strange look. "Yeah I guess so."

"Your alternator is bad. If you want I can put a new one in for you."

She looked at me strangely. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I want to and I can. Don't worry I can handle it easily. Can I put it in for you tomorrow?"

She shifted on the step and looked at me. "Yeah, thanks." Her face turned red with her blush. I loved that I was able to do something tangible for her.

As I watched Bella seemed to become unfocused again staring off in the distance. "Bella, are you ok? You have seemed pretty upset the last two days. Do you need someone to talk to? I promise I'm a good listener."

Bella sighed and looked at me. "Edward, I'm sure you're a great listener. Some stories though shouldn't be told."

I could only guess what she meant by that. She kept staring off in the distance and I could only imagine what demons haunted this beautiful angel and questioned why she even needed to fight them. She should be pampered and loved, not hurt.

After a few minutes of staring off Bella turned and looked at me with the most piercing gaze I have ever seen. I swear she would have been looking into my very soul if I had one. She started worrying her lip and slowly leaned toward me and placed her head on my shoulder. She sighed and my whole body reacted to Bella.

She sat inches from me and I could feel her heat against the entire left side of my body. And where her head lay I felt a rush of electricity flow. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her that I would fight her demons and protect her. That I would battle anything that came at her and that she could be the angel she was meant to be, living peacefully loved and admired by all. But I couldn't so I did what I could. I let her lay her head on my shoulder. After a time though my body couldn't fight the pull to do more so I slowly lay my head against hers hoping that she felt comforted by the act.

That night we said nothing to each other. We just sat side by side each in our own thoughts.

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Yes these are SM characters I am playing with!

So who here was shocked by the talk of 2 deaths that Bella is going to be at a trial for???? Bet none of you saw that coming. Well my Twilighted Forum girls got a sneak peak of that section but otherwise that had to be a bit shocking??????

This week I HAVE to rec SparklingTwilight. She has written 3 stories.  Breaking the Silence is complete and a AH story of a broken Bella. Tides of Fate is lemony goodness on a private island and Anywhere but Here is a collab that is BEYOND awesome. I told ST that I would read a hemorrhoid cream ad she wrote for David Hasslhoff if she ever wrote one she is that good!!!!!

My thanks to Ronnie for being the best Beta and dealing with all my stuff. To my forum girls with helping me decide what Edward would call his man bits, Emma wins for Rod of the God's LOL though I did go with him using penis.

So I promise an aaawwww at the end of the chapter. Did I deliver for you all????? Yeah Bella is still broken but right now even though she is having a bad week, and it will continue next chapter, don't worry about her. Focus on her and Edward building a relationship!!! I mean hello Edward had an erection, that's all we need to focus on!!! LOL

Please review and thanks for all of you that tell me your thoughts. I love your questions and comments and I try to answer what I can. Yes EverlastingMuse I know you want to know what happened to Bella. I promise all in good time!!!!! :)


	14. Is She at Rock Bottom Yet?

If you go to my profile there is a new story listed with out takes and the first one fits best before reading this chapter. It will make a few things in here make better sense if you have read the out take first but you don't have to.

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Chapter 14 – Is she at Rock Bottom Yet?**

I left Bella and drove my car a few blocks away and ran back to her house. I could still feel the warmth of her on my whole body and I needed to be by her again. In fact I couldn't stay in the trees, I found myself creeping closer to her house, needing to be closer to her to relieve the pull I always felt that was getting stronger each time we touched.

When I reached Bella's house I was shocked by what I was seeing. She was standing against her front door banging her head against it repeating the word stupid. She eventually walked in the kitchen to make tea and kept muttering things like, "I can't believe I did that," and "what must he think of me." I was at a loss. Did she think that I had a problem with her laying her head on my shoulder? That didn't make sense.

Her water for her tea was boiling and she started angrily slamming through her cabinets for what she needed. She stormed out of the house and threw herself in her glider swinging violently. After a while she started to calm down, her face fell and she placed her head in her hands. I watched her unmoving for a long while until she sat up. "I guess I am a whore who deserves what she gets. I don't think I can ever face him again. Who knows what he thinks of me now." She muttered. My jaw dropped. Surely she wasn't talking about me and her. Did she think that she had somehow been too forward with me? She leaned her head on my shoulder; this made no sense. I knew forward behavior and that was not it.

I watched Bella go upstairs where she changed into pajamas and grabbed her pillow then went to her office and curled up in the big chair there. She hugged her pillow to her so tightly I thought the stuffing might come out. She sat staring off in the distance looking distraught. I was horribly upset knowing that I was the cause of her distress this time. I wanted to take her troubles away, not cause more.

She sat for hours until her eyes gave out and she fell into a troubled restless sleep as I continued to watch and listened to her. She said no words that I understood but she mumbled and was upset for most of the night waking often. I doubt she slept more than two hours in total.

Finally just before five Bella gave up trying to sleep and made coffee. I watched her stand looking out her kitchen window seeming a shadow of herself with as tired as she was. She sighed. "It felt so good." What was she talking about now? Last night? Yes Bella it did feel good.

I sighed, it was time for me to leave so I could dress and get to class on time. I had a lab this morning so I couldn't skip. I took one last look at Bella, ran to my car and sped home. When I got home my family was all over the house. I got ready for school and Alice came to find me.

_So Edward, how was your night last night?_ She had a gleam in her eye so I knew that she had been watching.

I smirked at her. "I don't know Alice. How was my night last night?"

She giggled and pranced off _I talked to Rose and have an alternator on hold for you to pick up where she always gets our car parts_. Having a psychic in the family did have its perks. I waited for the others in my family to chime in with comments or questions, but there was nothing. I was a bit surprised by that and wondered why but didn't dwell on it. I rushed to class, remembering to grab some of Rose's tools out of the garage before I left, and got there just as the professor was coming in. Class was boring and I waited for lunch when I could see Bella.

Alice came in and sat down next to me without Bella. _Edward, I'm sorry. Bella's at the library. I think she's scared and avoiding you. I tried to talk to her about last night and she just blushed and looked away. I didn't want to push her. Edward she looks terrible and got multiple phone calls during class that she texted back a response to saying she was fine._

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I wondered what I should do. Stalking her in the open didn't sound like a good idea. If the girl was scared of men having one stalking her would not be good. Then again I would be seeing her later when I put her alternator in, plus today was Wednesday, maybe I could invite myself to her Bible study.

Alice squealed as she saw my decision. _That's perfect!!_

Emmett, who was sitting with me, looked at Alice. "Wanna share with all of us?"

Alice laughed, "Edward's going to Bible study tonight!"

Emmett blanched. "What? Good ol' Eddie at a Bible study. I thought you didn't believe in any of that since you think you are damned and all."

I glared at Emmett. He was always so blasé about his soul and accepted his life as it was. "Yes Emmett, I am going to see if Bella will let me go with her." I ran my hands through my hair.

"Brother you are so whipped."

"What are you talking about?"

Emmett looked guilty and started trying to block his thoughts going over the Seattle Seahawks current roster and quickly got up and stuttered that he needed to go.

"Alice! What's going on?" I quirked a brow at her knowing she knew what was up with Emmett.

Alice, who was always good at blocking her thoughts smiled at me. _Who said anything is going on? You know Emmett, he gets distracted easily._ Alice held my eye challenging me. I knew the pixie knew something that she wasn't sharing with me. I also knew that she wouldn't break. I huffed and decided to focus on Bella and what I needed to do to calm her down and have her not upset about anything between us.

After my final class I picked up Bella's alternator and went to her house. I suddenly wondered if she would be there and how she had gotten to and from school today. How could I be so stupid as to forget to offer her a ride? No wonder she questioned if I was a gentleman and what my intentions might be.

I got to Bella's house and heard her heartbeat so I knew she was home. I knocked on her door and listened to her come from the kitchen to answer. When she opened the door she looked surprised to see me. "Hello Edward. What are you doing here?"

I smiled my most winning smile. "I told you I would replace your alternator today. I have it in my car, I just wanted to let you know I was here working on it." I turned and went to her car to get to work. Bella stayed where she was watching me.

I popped the hood on Bella's car and got to work. Bella came over and asked if she could help or get me anything, I was a bit upset that she stayed 5 feet away from me but I didn't push the issue. I told her I was fine and to just continue doing what she had been doing.

She sighed and continued to watch me for a few minutes when her phone rang. She glanced at me and ran into her house, tripping on the top step. I smiled to myself at Bella's clumsiness, it really was cute. Cute? I snorted what was this human doing to me?

I listened into Bella's conversation with Seth. I wanted to understand them better. From what I had observed so far there were times that they seemed more then friends, on his part specifically, but I couldn't be sure and I didn't understand why the idea of Bella having a boyfriend seemed so upsetting.

"Hey Bells. How are you doing? Are you getting through today ok?"

"Seth, yeah, I know that you've talked to everyone. I have been on the phone so much today I think I have spent more time on the phone than in class!"

"Aw Bella, you know we are just concerned. We all know what today is and we are just worried."

Bella sighed. "I know Seth. I know. I know what today is and I know you all are just worried. It's my fault."

"Bella! Damnit, stop! It isn't your fault and you know it. I wish you would stop blaming yourself for everything." Seth took a deep breath. "Are you going to church tonight? You really need to."

"I think so. I have someone actually working on my car right now, it needs a new alternator. If he gets done on time I'll go."

Seth sighed, "Ok Bella, just promise me you're gonna to be ok. I worry about you and having you so far away only makes me worry more."

"I promise."

After Bella hung up she came back outside and sat on the step watching me asking again if there was anything she could get me. I again let her know I was fine. I fixed her alternator at human speed and while I was under her hood did some other maintenance. The whole time I kept one eye on Bella watching her huddled up on the stair looking lost and alone, I think she even forgot I was there.

When I was done with her car I slowly walked over to where Bella sat and joined her a few feet away not wanting to crowd her. Bella didn't acknowledge that I had sat down so I slightly nudged her and she jumped. I heard her heart race and had to swallow back the venom that flooded my mouth as I listened to her blood pump.

I spoke quietly so as not to startle her more. "I'm sorry. I finished with your car."

Bella tried to smile at me, but failed miserably. "Are you sure I can't get you anything? You have no idea how much I appreciate your helping me. Seriously you are a Godsend."

"No Bella. I'm good. I promise."

"So what do I owe you?"

"Owe me?"

"For the part and for your help."

"Bella, you don't owe me anything. Just one friend helping out another."

"Masen, I do not like owing people. Please just tell me what the part cost."

I ran my hand through my hair incredibly conflicted. I was raised to help ladies and that meant not expecting them to pay for the help I gave them. Plus I just wanted to care for Bella and getting her an alternator was the least I could do for her. But she was imploring me and her eyes pleaded with me. How could I turn her down? Maybe I didn't have to tell her how much it really was. "Fine Bella. You owe me $25.00. Ok."

Bella turned and looked me in the eye. She huffed. "Edward, I want the receipt."

I wanted to laugh so much, this little slip of a girl was staring at me like she was going to do damage. A kitten taking on a lion with no care for herself. "I don't have the receipt. I didn't know I needed to keep it." I smirked at her.

"Edward Masen! I know that an alternator costs more than $25.00, so just tell me so I can pay you."

I chuckled. "Nope" I said popping the p. "I have a great memory and it was $25.00."

"Oh, I'm gonna find out and I will pay you back."

I had rarely been more excited than right now. Bella had a light in her eyes and was teasing and fun and beautiful beyond words. To know that a few minutes ago she was broken with thoughts of her past, but in this minute she was almost happy and made me want to shout for joy. "Oh really? How are you going to do that? I will accept no money from you over $25.00 and there is nothing you can do about it!"

"Edward, Edward, Edward, you don't know me well at all. I promise you I will find out what you paid and I will find a way to make it up to you." The devious gleam in her eyes almost gave me pause not knowing what she was up to, but I didn't think anything this human girl could throw at me would be harmful so I let her think she could win.

I just winked at her. "So tell me, what are you up to this fine evening?"

Bella smirked at my change of subject. "Well thanks to you I can now make it to Bible study."

"Really? You go to Bible study? What kind?"

She shrugged. "Nothing much just a couple of people our age in the Word. We meet Wednesday nights; talking, laughing and even getting in some theology."

"Sounds like fun. I have wanted to find a place to get into the Bible but wherever I go it's a bunch of old ladies with purple hair." I smirked at her hoping she would take the bait; please invite me to go with you.

Bella looked incredibly flustered but took a deep breath, "You are welcome to come, it's open to everyone, even people that lie about the cost of an alternator, though you may want to pray for some forgiveness for that beforehand." She winked at me.

I laughed, "fair enough."

"What time is it?"

I looked at my watch even though I already knew what time it was. "Quarter after six."

"Hmmm, well we need to leave in a bit, do you want to come inside and get cleaned up and umm you can follow me there?" I could see the apprehension coming back full force. It was practically another person sitting with us at this point it was so strong.

"Sure Bella" I glanced at my greased up hands as I stood up and followed Bella into her house. She was incredibly hesitant in pointing me to the bathroom where she set out a towel for me. I took extra time cleaning my hands knowing that Bella needed it to collect herself. When I left the bathroom I found Bella in the kitchen leaning against her counter hunched over. Her breathing was shallow and her heart was racing. I didn't want to draw attention to her behavior so I gently spoke, "Is there anything you need before we go?"

She looked up at me. "Oh, umm, no I'll just go get my Bible. Oh wait, I want to throw the lasagna in beforehand so it's ready."

"You're going to eat a whole lasagna?" I was hoping to get her playful side back, I hated seeing her so tense.

She shook head and rolled her eyes. "No silly. A few friends usually come over after the study and I cook a quick dinner." She blushed and looked down. "If you want you can come too."

I smiled at her, and then remembered, I can't go to a dinner here, I was a vampire I drank blood. I never hated who I was more than I did right now. "Normally I would never say no to a free meal but I'm a vegetarian and I don't think lasagna would be good." There was the truth as much as I could say, though not really the truth.

Bella looked up at me tilting her head to the side. "I could make you something different."

"Thank you, no. I should probably not stay out too late; I do have school work to get done. Thanks though."

Bella searched my eyes for something then simply nodded and went to get her Bible. I wondered if she suspected something. Had she noticed that I didn't eat and that the others didn't either? I would have to watch to see.

She came back in and motioned for me to go out the door. I did and walked over to her car opening her door for her. She looked at me and smiled. "Umm you can just follow me. It isn't hard to find."

"No problem." I smiled back as I closed her door. I went to my car and took a deep breath. The first all afternoon. My throat burned, I would have to hunt tonight. I sighed running my hands through my hair knowing this meant I would have to be away from Bella and that in the end it would do little to satiate the scent of her blood.

I followed Bella which was incredibly easy. She was attentive to having someone behind her and made sure that she kept me in sight and never made a turn I couldn't as well. I heard her get another phone call and when we were at a stop I saw her text off a message while she sighed.

We pulled into the church parking lot and Bella got out of the car before I could help her. She came over by me and nodded her head towards the door of the church. I smiled at her hoping that I came off as reassuring and indicated I would follow her. I could see that whatever light hearted banter we had shared earlier was gone. She was back to the shadow of herself and I was angry there was nothing I could do about it.

We walked in the church and off to a side room where there were already multiple people, most of whom I recognized from when I saw Bella while observing her. I couldn't hide the smile I got from hearing the startled thoughts of the room as I walked in with Bella. Ben and Angela were both happy to see me and wondered immediately if there was something going on between us.

"Hey everyone, this is Edward. He helped me with some car trouble today and said he wanted to check out a Bible study not filled with old ladies." Bella sat down and I sat in a chair next to her being careful to not sit too close.

Pastor Webber introduced himself and started around the table for everyone to introduce themselves. Half way through Jacob came in surprised to see a new face. For the rest of the night he continued to watch Bella and me trying to figure out what our relationship was and if I was going to cause her any harm.

I stayed quiet through the whole study, observing those around me and watching Bella, who remained silent. The quiet didn't disturb me but the fact that she struggled to stay focused seemed very out of sorts for her. I did have to admit that this was a fun group of people that were able to laugh at each other and themselves and while they did dig into theology they had a lot of fun too. I wondered what Carlisle would make of a Bible study like this, so different from the fire and brimstone that his own father did. Somehow I knew he would approve;

When the study ended Jacob came over to Bella, looking at me with interest. "So Bella, are we still doing dinner by you?"

"Of course Jacob, why wouldn't we?" Bella said in a distracted way.

I smiled at Jacob and looked at Bella. "I need to get going now. Thank you very much for the invite, Maybe I'll come visit again."

Bella looked at me and blushed. "Thanks for the help with my car. I appreciate it."

"Anytime." I smiled, winked at her and left.

I got to my car and drove around the block planning on following Bella home to make sure she got home alright and her car was fine. I listened to Jacob decide that he would ask more about me once he was at her house.

Pastor Webber pulled Bella aside to ask how she was doing. His thoughts were on a phone call he had with her old Pastor earlier this week indicating that he knew that Bella would be having a difficult time this week. Bella brushed aside his comments saying that she was fine and not to worry.

Bella left soon after and Jacob, Angela and Ben followed in their cars to her house. I followed them all keeping tabs on their thoughts. Ben and Angela were talking in his car about me and Bella and wondering about us. Neither had seen either her or I talk to anyone really so they were surprised to see us talking to each other. Both thought we would make a cute couple and hoped we would be good for each other. The idea of Bella and I being a couple gave me pause, did Bella have a boyfriend back home? She seemed too innocent, pure and somehow unattainable and above the idea of a mere girlfriend. I brushed aside my thoughts.

Jacob meanwhile was thinking about Bella and noticed that she seemed more withdrawn and was wondering if I had somehow caused it and if I was trouble for her. He was trying to decide what he would do to me if I hurt her. The ideas had no merit as he couldn't hurt me but I appreciated his willingness to protect Bella.

When everyone got to Bella's house I watched Jacob, Ben and Angela all interact and laugh in the kitchen while Bella finished up making dinner. It was so nice to see a normal scene of friends in Bella's house though I watched her keep herself at a distance from it all. She would throw out a comment every now and then but mostly just observed her friends having fun.

Once everyone was seated for dinner I listened to Jacob decide to ask about me. "So, Bella, who's your new friend?"

Bella's eye got wide and she blushed. "Umm. He's a guy from school. We're in sociology together and working on a project." Bella took a deep breath. "He, umm, well my car didn't start yesterday, and umm he drove me home from class, and today he a, he put in a new part so it would run. We got to talking and he wanted to check out the study." She finished her sentence in a rush.

"Ok Bella, don't panic I was just asking. Making sure you're ok and all."

Bella sighed, "Thanks Jacob, I'm ok I promise."

Ben chimed in then. "Yeah Jake, I know Edward, don't worry he's a good egg." He then gave Jacob a look saying drop it we'll talk later. Jacob got the message and nodded slightly.

I watched Bella and she wasn't eating, she just pushed the food around her plate. I was getting more and more concerned. It seemed that she was eating less then she had before and what she had been eating before wasn't enough. I could have hugged Angela when she noticed and told Bella to eat. I was surprised that Bella then took a few bites.

The conversation continued around Bella, and she for the most part ignored it. It didn't surprise me as I had rarely seen her interact but it was surprising to the people she was with. They noted multiple times in their thoughts that while Bella was never exuberant but she usually participated a little and the level or worry each of them had about her behavior was escalating.

"Hey Bella, are you ok sweetie?" Angela asked while touching Bella's arm.

Bella looked up startled. "Oh I'm sorry; yeah I guess my mind isn't here right now."

"Bella you know if you need to talk you can. We'll all listen." Angela really loved Bella and was incredibly worried about her.

"I know. I promise I just have a lot on my mind. I'll be ok." Bella gave her a tiny smile and Angela decided to not press the issue but planned on keeping a close eye on her the next couple of days.

As the evening wrapped up I saw Bella withdraw more and more into herself and I listened to the thoughts of her friends become more worried. They left with Angela hugging Bella tightly and Ben and Jacob telling her to call if she needed anything.

Jacob followed Ben to his car. "Does this have anything to do with your friend? Did he do something to her?"

Ben turned shocked at what Jacob was saying. "No man, there is no way this is about Edward. Trust me. I know him he wouldn't hurt her. Edward's just not like that. He's a straight up guy."

Jacob ran his hands over his face. "Ok, ok I'm sorry. I just . . . I wish there was something we could do ya know. Plus it is just weird to see her with a guy, I mean she avoids all guys."

Ben nodded. "Yeah it was weird, but I promise Masen isn't a threat to her. Heck I've never seen him around a girl before so it was even weirder for me."

"Really? He better not be playing a game with her."

Ben considered. "No I don't think so, not his style. I promise I'll watch out at school, I'll even talk to Edward. Ok?"

"Gotcha man, see ya later."

Both cars left and I continued to watch Bella. I saw her take a deep breath and her shoulders slumped and her head fell, she looked like a puppet whose strings had been cut. She shuffled to the sink to get the dishes done and you could tell it took all her strength to do it.

When she was done she walked slowly upstairs and got ready for bed. It was earlier than I had ever seen her go to bed but she looked like she needed it. She crawled under the covers and grabbed her pillow and stared out the window. After a while she fell into her normal troubled sleep. It was worse than normal, she tossed and turned and kicked her legs all night. She whimpered and screamed in fear and pain and there was nothing that could be done for her. When she got up early the next morning she looked worse than she had when she went to bed. I saw her take a tentative step and she was off balance. The lack of sleep and eating clearly getting to her.

I turned then and ran home so I could change. Alice was in my room. _She's not doing well is she?_ I shook my head. _I talked to Carlisle he said to watch her closely the next day or two in case she passes out or ends up getting harmed from the lack of sleep and eating. I'm carrying a granola bar on me and some Gatorade to give her if she does pass out. _ I nodded and made a mental note to grab both items for me to have as well. _I've been watching and I don't see her passing out but it's all dependent on her eating or not eating and those are decisions she makes so spur of the moment. I will say that I had decided to get her to the hospital the moment she did pass out and it isn't pretty. _Alice showed me a vision then of Bella waking up in a hospital room screaming, tearing at the wires connected to her and eventually needing to be sedated. I raised my eyebrows. _Carlisle said to call him if I see anything and he'll help us. I don't _think_ Bella will have a problem with him. It's just too hard to see right now. _Again I nodded.

"Thanks Alice." I turned and gave her a quick hug. I knew she and I both needed it right now.

"And totally be prepared for Ben, he's planning on giving you the third degree today. But I think you knew that was coming." She winked and left and I just laughed after her.

I got all the things together I would need for class today along with the extras for Bella, just in case, and left for school. The morning was boring and I kept waiting for Alice to text me that something happened to Bella but never received one. For lunch I sat at a different table than Bella so that Ben could find and talk to me.

I watched Bella come in and sit at her table. She laid her head on her arms and didn't look up. Emmett looked at me and at Bella and was livid that there was nothing he could do. He finally said "enough" and got up and went to buy some food for Bella.

When he was gone Ben came in and looked around until he found me. He came over. "This seat taken Masen?" I shook my head. "Listen, I don't know how to say this so I am just gonna say it." I nodded at him, smiling in my head knowing exactly what he wanted to say as he had been rehearsing it for a while. "What's up with you and Bella? I know it isn't my business but I worry about her. I don't know how much you know about her but please don't mess with her. Ok."

I looked at him and tried to give him my most innocent look. "Ben, I promise I'm not out to harm her in any way. She and my roommate, Alice, are friends and I just was helping her out. She's friends with all my roommates and she seems like a great girl. Obviously there's something bothering her and no I don't know the details but that doesn't mean that I can help her out. Right?"

"Yeah man, I have no beef with you. I haven't ever seen you harass anyone, I just got a soft spot for Bella and don't want her to get hurt." With that he glanced over to where Bella was and frowned. "I wish there was something more we could do for her."

"Ben do you know anything about her? Where she came from or what happened?"

"No man, she's quiet and doesn't say anything about her life before she moved here last year." He shook his head. "Listen if you are looking out for her that's great, there're a couple of people that bug her, if you see anything let me know and I'll try to take care of it."

I nodded and he left.

Emmett had just gotten to Bella's table and he was holding a sandwich and a juice. He plopped down at her table. "Bella" he boomed in his big voice. Startled she looked up like some had hit her. "Baby Bear you need to eat, you look like hell and I'm worried about you."

Bella just looked at Emmett wide eyed. He pushed the food and drink over to her and she looked at it like she didn't know what it was. Finally after a long pause she unwrapped the sandwich and took a small bite. "There ya go. Food, eat, get strong so you can play ball with us."

Bella gave him a strange look. "Ball?" she whispered.

Emmett shrugged, "Sure why not?"

Bella just shrugged and ate a bit more. Emmett watched her. When she had eaten half of her sandwich she set it down and laid her head back on her arms.

"Ya know, Bella, if you need anything, someone to talk to or anything like that, you know you can come to me right?"

Bella looked at Emmett and shrugged her shoulders again. "I guess so."

Emmett sighed. "No Bella. Not I guess so. Look I don't know what's bothering you but seriously you look like you need to talk. I am capable of listening; though if you just want to go throw punches I am cool with that too."

Bella breathed and smiled a bit, "Thanks Em. I'm ok right now, I promise. But if I need you I'll call. Ok?"

"Soooo, I hear Eddie was over yesterday fixing your car."

"Eddie?"

"Yeah, Eddie, Eduardo" _100 year-old-virgin_ "you know, emo guy over there." He tossed his head in my direction.

Bella glanced at me and blushed. "Yeah, Edward helped fix my car. Hey can I ask you something?" She sat up to look at Emmett.

"Sure Belly Bean."

Bella glared at Emmett, or at least tried to, her attempt was pathetic. "How must does an alternator cost?"

I quickly whispered so Emmett would hear. "Shut up and don't answer."

Emmett was confused. "Umm I'm not sure? Why?"

"Edward bought be a new alternator and he said they cost $25.00. I don't believe him and I want to pay him but he won't tell me. That's all." Bella laid her head back down as if it was too much effort to keep it up any longer.

Emmett laughed. "Yeah that sounds like Eddie all right. I hate to tell you, just go with it. Trust me he's not going to miss the money and you're only insulting him by asking to pay."

Bella huffed, "Well I'm not a kept woman either. He fixed my car the least I can do is pay for the parts."

"Trust me I know he doesn't think of you as a kept woman." Emmett laughed, "Eddie wouldn't even know how to keep a woman." I growled loud enough for Emmett to hear. _Calm down boy-o you know I'm telling the truth. How suave of you that you managed to make her feel like a hooker. You really do have talent._

I growled more. I did not treat Bella like a hooker, this whole thing was ridiculous. I was being a gentleman helping her out. Kept woman. I was insulted.

Bella shrugged. "That's ok. I have a plan on how to get back at him; I just need to know how much an alternator costs."

I saw Emmett's intent before he spoke and was mad. "Well most alternators are around $150.00"

"Ok thanks. Listen I should get going." Bella sighed, "I just needed a break before walking to my car. I'll see ya latter Emmy." Bella slowly got up ignoring the unfinished sandwich but took the juice. "Thanks for the snack Em." She walked out clumsier than normal.

Emmett came and sat back by me and I kicked him in the shin. "Emmett if I wanted Bella to pay me I would have told her what the alternator cost."

"Calm down Eddie, she's gonna find out anyway." I sighed and tugged at my hair, he was right. I decided to follow Bella and make sure she got to her car alright. I figured I must truly be pathetic at this point. Once I saw her drive away I headed to my class. I was early but I didn't feel like dealing with my family or any humans right now.

After class I went to Bella's again. I was starting to think of this tree in her back yard as my home, I certainly spent more time here than I did at my house. Bella was in the kitchen trying to work on school work and again seemed distracted and as if she was having a hard time concentrating. She kept plugging away for hours and I watched her type and delete on her computer. I wish she could just take a break but she didn't, she kept trying to get her work done.

At seven that night she got a series of texts that she replied to while rolling her eyes and muttering to herself that she wasn't a baby and didn't need to be treated like one. While I definitely didn't think of her as a baby, or have paternal thoughts towards her, she did need taking care of since she was doing so poor of a job of it on her own.

I watched Bella huff and go around the kitchen slamming cupboards as she made herself some eggs and toast. When she was done she took a picture of it, with her phone, and sent the picture off to whomever she had been texting. She ate the eggs mumbling and when she was almost done she got another text that made her chuckle and roll her eyes once more.

Bella spent the rest of the night curled up on the couch reading. I felt slight apprehension when I saw she was reading Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. I didn't peg Bella as a reader of that type of literature and I didn't want her thinking about vampires but there was nothing I could do about it now.

When Bella finally went to bed at one in the morning she ended up tossing and turning like she had the last few nights. I watched her call out and beg someone to leave her alone, my heart broke listening to her beg knowing that what she was seeing in her sleep was more than a dream. I vowed someday to learn what happened to Bella and I was going to kill the person or persons that caused her the pain she was in.

I left Bella that morning and went hunting before class. I hadn't been since we got back from Alaska. I needed to feed if I dared get anywhere near Bella today and I planned on sitting with her for lunch. I felled two deer and made quick work of draining them.

When I got home everyone was out and the house was empty. It was unusual to have the house to myself and I enjoyed the silence taking time to think to myself how I was changing and how more and more of my human emotions and traits were showing themselves. I assumed being around Bella was the cause and figured that it was natural for me to be more in touch with my human side now that I was hanging around a human. I just hoped the physical manifestations didn't embarrass me at some point. I knew if Emmett ever caught wind that I was now getting erections he would tease me for decades.

I got to school in plenty of time to wait for Bella at her table. Emmett came over by me and sat down. _How's she doing today?_

I shrugged a bit. "She ate a few eggs last night. That's something. Honestly I can't believe she's still standing with the lack of sleep and food in the last week. She can only run on shear stubbornness for so long."

Emmett nodded and we saw Bella come in with Alice. _Man she looks terrible._ I sighed and had to agree. Her clothes hung off of her and she looked like she could barely stand anymore. I was sick of seeing her like this and just wanted to shake some sense into her. I could hear Alice asking her what she wanted to eat for lunch.

"Nothing right now. I don't think I could eat. Maybe later." I growled.

Bella and Alice got to the table and sat down. Bella laid her head on her hands again and looked like she fell asleep but I knew she was still awake. I was just about to ask her what I should get her because she was going to eat when I heard the thoughts of Mike Newton filter around and he was determined to come over and make a pass at Bella.

I growled deep in my chest where Bella couldn't hear and Emmett looked at me and Alice read Bella's future and saw Mike coming over.

"Hey Bella baby. What's up with you lately? There hasn't been any treats this week and I know I'm missing your sweetness." He came over to Bella and placed his hand on her shoulder.

Bella reacted instantly and bolted upright. I watched her pale face turn even whiter seconds before she swayed and passed out.

* * *

First my horribly bad self forgot to tell you all that there is a link on my profile to a review by RoseArcadia that includes a beautiful blinkie she made and a banner that Emma made. Thank you Rose and Emma you are wonderful to make such beauty for this story.

Next I know that I spill a few extra beans on the forum thread (again link on my profile) but Jersey was bugging me on her story's thread and I said I would try my hardest to have some smooching by chapter 23. Not sure how but I will try just for Jersey.

Third thank you Bob and Ronnie for listening to my rabid theories and letting me know when I am just losing my mind over thinking things. You all have no idea what these two deal with, with me trying to keep this story as canon as I can and questioning plot lines.

Now for my rec. This week I have to rec You're Not Sorry by edwardandbellabelong2gether. It is a great story with lots of angst and a James that needs to die, NOW. The best thing is that this story is in rewrite so the author updates a new chapter ever day or two. Helps the angst go faster!!!!

Lastly thank you to Ronnie for Beta'ing, I gave her over 8,000 words this Holiday week and she got it done with no complaints. Thank you.

All of you that review you are awesome and I have gotten some humbling reviews from some of you. Thanks to you all, even those that just say "Great Chapter". I promise more teases for all my reviewers.

SM owns the characters I just play with them.


	15. Meet the Cullens

**Chapter 15 – Meet the Cullen's**

Before Bella could fall I had her in my arms. Things then happened quickly. Jasper thought to me _Edward I'll take care of Mike, you just see Bella home safely. _ I nodded at him and Alice chimed in _I'm going to call Carlisle and have him go to Bella's house_. She looked to all of our futures and didn't see any problems. I looked and nodded at her adjusting Bella in my arms so she would be more comfortable.

As I stood up Jasper came over and grabbed an open mouth Mike and lead him outside with Alice following at their heels. I had no clue what Jasper was going to say or do but I wasn't worried about Mike not getting the drift. Jasper was incredibly intimidating and would make sure Mike didn't cause further issues.

Emmett came over by me and I grabbed my car keys out of my pocket trying to disturb Bella as little as possible. I threw them at Emmett. "You're driving. Let's go."

Emmett was shocked. "Edward! You never let anyone drive any of your babies. What's going on?" Rose came in and saw what was happening and looked at Emmett. "Bella passed out cause Mike was harassing her and Eddie here is letting me drive them to her house. Wanna come ride with me in his car and do something nasty?" He waggled his eyebrows at her.

I started walking out of the quad knowing my siblings would follow; I wanted to get Bella away from here and all the people staring. I heard Rose smack Emmett on the head and follow behind me. _Is she ok Edward? _There was genuine interest in her voice. I just nodded my head once.

As we were leaving I heard the voice of Jessica thinking about what a slut Bella was and wondering if she, herself fell on top of me what I would with her. I turned and glared at her. I wanted to let her know there is no possible way that I would ever lift her and carry her off, much less to my car while I let Emmett drive. I left her with her delusions and concentrated on the angel in my arms that needed me right now.

"Where are Jasper and Alice?" Rose asked.

"Out talking to Mike. When they're done they're going to meet us at Bella's house. Alice is already calling Carlisle to come meet us there."

Rose snorted. "Having her wake up in her house full of vampires watching her? Do you think that's a good idea?"

Emmett laughed. "Should be interesting. Edward, seriously, do you want me to take Bella?" I snarled at him. I had no clue why I was so possessive of her but no one was carrying her except me. "Hey calm down there boy-o. I'm just making sure you're ok with holding her. I know how she smells to you and I don't want you taking a bite out of her when we're trying to save her."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm fine Emmett." The truth was my throat was burning and I felt like I hadn't eaten in decades but that wasn't the most noticeable thing. Having Bella's slight weight in my arms was a form of heaven, and hell. Her warmth seeped into me and set my whole body on fire. I was so hard right now I was scared my manhood was going to burst out of my jeans. I couldn't breathe anymore for her scent combined with her warmth was causing a war within me. My bloodlust and my physical lust were both trying to take over and I didn't know right now which I wanted to win.

When we got to my car Bella stirred in my arms. I shushed her and climbed in the back pulling her close to me. I was scared she was going to fall over or pass out again. I also couldn't help but notice how thin she really was. All I could feel on her were bones protruding and no softness of fat on her at all.

Once we were in and the car was started I noticed I hadn't grabbed my bag. "Shit!" Emmett and Rose turned and looked at me in shock.

"Whoa, Edward! Did you just swear?" Emmett was laughing. This was the first time I had ever uttered a profanity. I saw profanity as below myself but for some reason it came out. I wasn't surprised by their shock.

"Shut up! I forgot my bag and I had some food and a drink in there."

Rose snorted. "This bag you mean? I grabbed yours and Bella's things before we left." I can't believe I hadn't noticed that Rose had grabbed our stuff. I really did have all of my attention focused on Bella.

I smiled at her. "Thanks Rose."

When Rose passed me the bag she looked at Bella. "How are you doing kid?"

Bella didn't even look up; she just whispered. "I'm ok. I'm sorry I'm causing trouble." She tried to pull away from me but I wouldn't let her, I held her next to me. I wasn't trying to exert my will over hers; I just was worried about her being far away and getting to her if she passed out again. I knew didn't this make sense with my vampire speed but I didn't want to focus on my thoughts.

When I set my bag in my lap I hissed as it came in contact with my painfully hard erection. Emmett glanced in the rearview mirror at me. _Problems?_ I choose to ignore him.

I searched my bag and pulled out the Gatorade and handed it to Bella. "Please try to drink some. You're dehydrated and you need the electrolytes."

Bella gave me a weird look but took the bottle and drank a few sips.

_Cows, people eat cow's right? Maybe I can hunt down a cow for Bella. I wonder if she likes cow. Venison. I can get her a deer; that's it a deer. I wonder how much she would eat? I bet she doesn't eat it raw, how do you cook a deer? _I swear I was going to kill Emmett. Did he really think Bella would eat a whole deer? I lightly kicked the back of his seat. _What? No deer? Fine what then. Chicken people love chicken. Hmmm how many would Bella eat? They're pretty small so I bet she could polish off two or three. No I don't like feathers, so no chicken._

"Emmett shut up." I said too quietly for Bella to hear. I looked at him in the mirror. "Bella, here I have a granola bar. You should eat." I handed it to her and Emmett snorted. _Deer sounds better than that crap_. I did have to agree with him there.

Bella ate quietly. When we pulled into her driveway she went to get out on the other side of the car from me. "No come with me, I want to make sure you're ok." She looked at me and shrugged obviously to tired and worn too disagree with anything. I grabbed her little hand in mine and pulled her out of the car and put am arm around her to steady her as she was wobbly.

Emmett came around the car and looked at me. _Sporting some wood there I see Eddie. Looks like our little boy is all grown up._ I glared at him. Why did he have to notice my issue?

When we got in the house I laid Bella down on her couch and sat next to her. Rose and Emmett went in the kitchen to look for food and started arguing about what to feed a human. I heard them opening cabinets and her refrigerator trying to figure out what kind of human food to cook her. They started arguing and were getting louder. I didn't want Bella to hear, as it would raise questions on why two college aged people knew nothing about cooking food.

"Bella, I'm going to go in the kitchen a minute. Stay right here ok? There may be a knock on the door as Alice and Jasper are coming over and a friend of ours. Don't worry though." Bella simply nodded at me and closed her eyes.

I walked in the kitchen and saw the refrigerator and freezer open and all the cupboards along with them. Emmett looked at me and whispered. "Dude, what's your girlfriend want to eat and how do we make it?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Emmett, she isn't my girlfriend and I have no idea. What does she have here that we can make?" I ran my hand through my hair and looked over what there was. Most everything looked like it needed to be cooked. I started grabbing boxes to see what had instructions that I could work with and was also nutritious. Emmett kept going on about getting Bella a cow or a few chickens and Rose kept thinking all human food was disgusting so why did it matter what we fed Bella as long as we fed her.

Emmett was talking louder and Rose was arguing with him while I was trying to ignore them both and didn't notice Bella come in the kitchen. Emmett was rambling about toast and how a toaster really works and if there is a true difference between toast and bread other than one is warm.

"Do you guys need help?" I turned quickly to see Bella standing in the doorway of her kitchen looking weak and very confused by what she was seeing.

Emmett snorted. "Nah you just have weird food here, that's all."

I groaned, "No Bella we are just trying to figure out what you'd like to eat. Possibly you could suggest something?"

Bella opened her mouth to say something at the same time her front door opened and Alice came dancing in. She grabbed Bella by the hand and led her back to the couch she had been on earlier. "Don't worry I talked to Carlisle; he and Esme will be here in 3 minutes. Esme is bringing chicken noodle soup. Bella just lie down and don't worry."

I quickly closed everything up in Bella's kitchen and went out to sit on the floor next to where she was laying. Rose was sitting on Emmett's lap in a chair; Alice was sitting on the couch by Bella's feet; Jasper was leaning against the wall across the room.

Bella's eyes were closed when she spoke. "Who are Carlisle and Esme?"

Everyone turned to me. We, as a family, hadn't worked out this story. Right now we had told everyone in college that Rose and Jasper were twins living with their significant others and I was along as Emmett's friend. We never told anyone about Carlisle and Esme as no one from college ever came to our house. It was difficult to explain why we were in college living with parents that looked our age.

Carlisle and Esme had never explained us. We lived so far removed from Seattle, in the woods, that no one came to visit. The few times Carlisle had colleagues over for the requisite dinner, the five of us left so we wouldn't need to be explained. The fact that Bella knew Carlisle from the hospital would complicate things.

"Carlisle Cullen is Rose and Jasper's cousin whom we live with. Esme is his wife. You may know Carlisle, Dr. Cullen, he works at the children's hospital. I know you volunteer there." That covered all our bases and gave a plausible reason for Carlisle to be coming over.

Bella kept her eyes closed and nodded. I heard Carlisle's car pull up outside and Jasper went to let him and Esme in. I was paying close attention to Bella, her pulse, breathing, and blood pressure. I didn't want to admit how nervous I was. Bella was going to be in a room with seven vampires. Being in a room alone with one of us should be enough for her to be reacting in fear and having an adrenaline rush. Seven should have her overwhelmed, but she wasn't. I was extremely worried she was so unhealthy that her body couldn't react naturally anymore to our unnaturalness.

When Carlisle and Esme came in Bella opened her eyes and stared at them then continued to look around the room at all of us. Her face was concentrated in confusion. I looked at Jasper. _She is confused and slightly irritated._ I nodded. Everyone in the room was watching Bella's reaction and how unnatural she was acting in a room full of predators.

Carlisle came over to Bella and pulled out his stethoscope so he could "listen" to her heart and lungs, always keeping up the pretense. "Bella I'm just going to take a quick listen and make sure everything's ok. Is that alright?" I listened to his thoughts as he was assessing her. He noticed how emaciated she looked compared to when he had seen her at the hospital last week. Her heart was working faster than it should be which was normal for a dehydrated malnourished person. Quietly I spoke to Carlisle letting him know that her increased heart rate and breathing were consistent with how they were at lunch and not more so due to the vampires in the room. He was concerned but not overly. As he continued to look over Bella I quickly and quietly explained to him the cover story I gave for him being there.

Carlisle was done "listening" to Bella's heart and went to "listen" to Bella's lungs, as he slipped the stethoscope down the upper most part of Bella's shirt she reacted and pulled away from Carlisle in a panic. "I'm fine, don't worry." She looked down at her hands. "It's my fault; I have been distracted lately and haven't been eating well or sleeping much. Nothing broken I promise."

Carlisle looked at me and I registered his reaction along with the rest of my families to Bella's panic. Carlisle had no intention on pushing the issue right now and was going to observe for a bit. "Ok Bella, it's not unusual to pass out from low blood sugar if you haven't been eating. You may have a bit of a headache too I am guessing. Esme, my wife, brought some chicken noodle soup; can I coax you into eating some?"

Esme came over and sat on the couch next to Bella and handed her a bowl of covered soup. "Rose, go get a spoon please and a glass of water." Rose came back with a spoon and water and handed it to Bella. We all sat staring at her and as she was about to eat she looked up and saw us all staring.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Why don't you all go in the kitchen for a bit? I want to talk to Bella anyway and we can let her eat." Everyone but Esme left for the kitchen and we sat listening to what was going on in the other room.

Carlisle spoke first. "Bella, I'm a doctor talk to me. This is more than skipping a few meals in the last few days. You look like you need help."

I saw Bella through Carlisle's eyes look down. "I'm ok Dr. Cullen. I promise. I have just . . . I just had a tough week and wasn't thinking. I wasn't taking care of myself." She looked up beseeching him. "I promise, I'm ok and will do a better job."

Carlisle sighed trying to think of a way to get Bella to open up. "What has had you so stressed this week that you haven't remembered to eat?"

Bella looked at him and slowly took a sip of her soup. I could see the wheels turning in her head looking for an excuse or something plausible that she could say. Finally she sighed and I saw all fight go out of her, she slumped over. "Dr. Cullen I can't. Ok. I know you deserve answers for being here and wanting to help but I can't right now." She whispered, "I'm sorry."

Esme grabbed her and hugged her lightly. "Bella stop. We're worried about you. You can say or not say anything you want. We just want to make sure you're ok. Carlisle and I have heard a lot about you from the kids and we want to help."

Bella held on to Esme for a long time and finally pulled away. "Mrs. Cullen, thank you for the soup. It's really good and you don't know what it means to me."

"Esme, dear, and the soup is not a problem." Esme put her arm around Bella and held her close and encouraged her to eat more. I listened to Esme's thoughts and her worry about how tightly she was holding Bella. I could understand her worry, we were so strong and Bella was so fragile, none of us could ever touch her without always keeping that in mind.

Bella slowly ate and when she was half way done with the bowl she looked at Esme and gave her a sheepish smile. "Esme this is truly a wonderful soup but I'm full. I can't finish."

Esme gently patted her hand. "That's ok dear. You ate a lot. I'm going to go put the rest in your refrigerator so you can finish it later. Ok." Esme smiled at her.

I spoke softly for Carlisle to hear but not Bella. "Carlisle she needs to eat more than half a bowl of soup!"

_Edward it's good. Her stomach is going to be smaller because of her lack of eating. Half a bowl of soup is a fine start. Now we just have to make sure that she keeps eating regularly._

"Bella I wanted to ask you," Carlisle was cut off by Bella's phone going off.

"I'm sorry." Bella looked at her phone and sighed. "I need to take this, if you'll excuse me for one moment." Bella opened her phone. "One second," and went up stairs to her room and shut the door. Carlisle came in the kitchen where the rest of us were and we listened to Bella's conversation.

"Hey, I'm sorry I needed a minute. What's up?"

"Bella I am just checking to see how you're doing." It was her friend Claire.

Bella sighed, "I'm fine, please just. . . I'm fine ok." I could hear anger in her voice. It was completely foreign to me. I had never heard her mad before.

"Bella don't be mad, we're just worried."

"I know. I just, I need a break from it all, that's all."

"Ok, I'll let you go but I'll call you tomorrow."

"No! Enough I am not taking calls tomorrow!"

"Bella, you're taking calls tomorrow. Especially tomorrow."

"Ya know what? No I'm not. I'm not taking a single phone call tomorrow. I'm turning my phone off."

"Stop it. You are acting like a child."

Bella growled. "I'm not. Claire, you know me. You've known me since we were in diapers together. Did you know that on Wednesday I got 35 calls? Thirty-five!!! Claire go back 3 years. Three years ago before all the crap that is now my life happened. Three years ago what would I have done if you guys tried calling me 35 times?"

I could hear Claire sigh. "Bella . . . Bella you would've gone nuts and hid yourself in your room and locked the door. You would have told your parents to tell us to leave you alone."

"Claire you know me. I can't deal with this anymore. You guys are killing me. I know you all love me, I know you want me to be safe, and I know you are all worried as heck but this can't continue. I need to deal in some peace. That's why I left. You guys were never away from me. You never gave me room to breathe and you all know that I need to have peace to recharge. I can't get that when I am taking calls all the time and trying to let you all know I'm ok. I can't do it anymore. You guys have got to give me space."

There was silence on the phone. Finally we heard Claire again. "Ok Bella, I get it and you're right. I guess we weren't thinking. We just want to help you and make sure you're ok but you always did need your space when things happened. But tomorrow. Bella it's the anniversary of their death. How do we know you'll be ok?"

Bella took a deep breath. "You're gonna have to trust me. You have to believe me when I say that I will not hurt myself. I've never lied to you guys and I'm not gonna start now."

"Ok, promise me at least that you'll take care of yourself and eat something. Sam said that he didn't think you were."

Bella snorted. "Yeah, got that covered with the 7 people downstairs."

"What people? Why are there 7 people at your house? Who are they? Bella what's going on?"

Bella let out a breath. "Well . . . Claire I'm not trying to hurt myself. I promise, but with this week and all the calls and all the pressure I've been distracted and I haven't been sleeping and I just haven't been eating. Today I kinda passed out at lunch and some people brought me home."

"Some people . . ."

"Yeah I don't know. I told you about Alice, my sorority sister, well she and her friends and their uncle or something. I don't know; the whole thing is kinda weird and I'm not understanding it all, but their aunt brought some chicken noodle soup that I just ate."

"What don't you understand? Are you worried about them? Do you think they're going to hurt you?"

Bella paused before answering and all of us in the kitchen were looking at each other wondering what Bella was going to say. "No . . . not hurt me . . . but something is just off with them. I don't know, I can't explain it." Bella sighed, "listen, it's not a big deal, it's probably my lack of sleep talking. They've all be nice and sweet, Edward actually changed the alternator in my car the other day. I can't explain it but there's something weird but I don't feel scared and . . . I know I'm safe with them somehow."

"She feels safe around us?!" Emmett spoke for everyone. How in the world did a human feel safe around 7 vampires? That made no logical sense. Most humans gave us a wide berth. I have never heard, in a single thought, ever, anyone thinking the words safe while talking about any of us.

_I wonder if . . ._ I looked at Carlisle for him to complete the thought. "Nothing, never mind. Let's just take advantage of the fact that she isn't scared of us to help her."

We continued to listen to the conversation. "If you're sure. Bella, sister I love you, you know that right? You're a sister to me in every way that matters, you are to all of us."

"I know Claire Bear and I love you all like family too but I just need a break, I need some down time and I need to curl up in silence and just be. Please can you tell the others. I know Seth will give you a hard time but please I just need it."

"Yeah Bell, I'll take care of it. Don't worry about Seth I'll have Sam sit on him and Emily and I will steal his phone. Can I just ask . . . can you just please text one of us a few times tomorrow. Just so we know you're good. Don't call, just a quick I am here and ok text. Please?"

"Yeah I think I can manage that. Thanks for understanding Claire Bear. I'm not trying to be difficult. I hope you know that."

"Bells I know that. I guess we've been so worried we just forgot about_ you_ in the whole thing. You always have been the quiet, private one and I don't think that any of us realized how much pressure we've been adding. Thirty-five calls! Bella I am shocked you haven't thrown your phone in the toilet yet!"

Bella snorted. "You have no idea! Listen I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Ok? I know you're all doing it out of love and honestly that's more than most of my family is doing. Hell most haven't even spoken to me since I killed them so I can't be mad that you guys at least are still talking to me."

"Bella Marie! I swear I am gonna come out there are smack you on the ass! This is not your fault and you know it. I swear when God gave out stubborn you went in line 5 extra times! The people not talking aren't talking because they don't know what to say. No one blames you!"

Emmett laughed. "Bella is stubborn isn't she? Dang this Claire girl called that good."

"Yes Claire. Listen I should get going. I left the seven strange people in my kitchen and I need to go thank them."

"Ok, take care and I promise I will get the gang off your back tomorrow if you promise to take care. Ok?"

"Ok I promise. You know I love you all. Bye"

"Back atcha." We heard Bella close her phone and sigh.

Emmett spoke first. "Am I missing something? I thought that something happened to her 2 years ago on Wednesday? So what's tomorrow about?"

I thought back to Bella's conversation with Seth on Wednesday and he definitely indicated that, that day was the anniversary of something bad, but is sounds like tomorrow was the day that someone Bella knew died. Were they both from two years ago? Did all this happen to her at the same time? "I know something happened Wednesday, maybe the rape we've suspected? I wonder if the deaths that happened tomorrow are related to it? It sounds like she was assaulted and then someone died 3 days later. I wonder if it's all tied together. Alice we need to know."

Alice was holding Jasper and shaking, if a vampire could cry tears she would be drowning in them. "We can't. I've looked and looked and every time I see us digging into her past she either leaves or kills herself. I don't even know how or why I just think that the past is so horrific that someone slips and says something and she finds out we know. From what she was just saying she just wants to be left alone and not have people pestering her about what happened. Maybe the best thing we can do right now is to be there for her without knowing. Treat her like a friend and pretend she's normal."

"She_ is_ normal." I knew what Alice meant but I didn't want to mince words here. Bella was a normal person with a troubled past. I knew we could get her though if she would talk to us.

Alice wasn't paying attention to me at all. She was looking through the future and paging through all of us and Bella. She was looking through so quickly I had a hard time keeping up, which wasn't unusual. Alice smiled. "That's the answer. Bella needs friends right now that will treat her normal and love her. We can so do that."

Rose who had been quiet finally spoke. "That's not unusual. I see a lot of women come into the shelter broken and they just want to be normal again and pretend the bad things haven't happened. If that's all we can give Bella right now then I say we make sure we are all giving it to her. She needs it I think. Maybe that's what she'll need to get through and tell us what happened. She needs us." My jaw dropped. I had never; in 80 years heard Rose speak like that about anyone.

"Rose why the change. You've avoided Bella this whole time?" I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself.

Rose turned and glared at me. "Don't worry about it Edward. You know that I work with battered women and Bella obviously is worse off than most people that come in the shelter. I'm choosing to help that's all you need to know."

Carlisle cut in, "obviously right now a priority is to make sure Bella is eating enough. I would like to get her on some high calorie drinks but I don't think she would react well to that. We need to make sure she's eating because with as dehydrated and malnourished as she is right now she is highly susceptible to viruses and may be doing permanent damage to her body. Edward is she purging anytime after she eats?"

"No, I've never seen her throw up." I quickly went through what I had observed about Bella in the last two weeks. "I think she was speaking the truth about forgetting to eat. On Wednesday when Angela reminder her to eat she did. Yesterday when Emmett showed up with a sandwich and told her to eat she ate it. Honestly Bella never seems like she's here, more like she is thinking and always somewhere else. I bet she has forgotten to eat for so long that her body no longer sends a hunger queue, which doesn't help the situation."

Carlisle quickly weighed what I said. "Ok, there are five of you that see her at school. I want you all to make sure she eats lunch. We will have to come up with something concrete on how to make sure she is eating breakfast and dinner and what to do on weekends. Hopefully, if we can get her eating again that will help her physically. Next, Edward, how much sleep is she getting?"

I ran my hands through my hair. "Not a lot. Before this week maybe 3 hours a night and that was broken up with night terrors. This week has been worse. She has sleeping pills but never takes them."

Jasper chimed in. "That isn't unusual with PTSD. She doesn't want to sleep because then the nightmares come. She can't control the nightmares but she can control the not sleeping. That won't be as easy to work through from the outside. What doesn't help is that lack of sleep severely hurts her ability to have logical thought and also has physical problems as well. That, with the lack of food, is keeping her from getting better. Getting her to eat is a step in the right direction.

"Alice's plan is good. It sounds like from what we just heard that Bella has always been private. Odds are she won't open up quickly to anyone, but she needs friends even if it is for day to day talking. Right now I think the best plan is to try and get her to eat and see what we can do about spending time with her. That sounds like it might be tricky as she does like to be alone but she needs people.

"What we have to hope right now is that tomorrow is the end of anniversaries of horrors for a while. If Edward's correct that she was assaulted and 2 people later died in connection to that assault then hopefully there is no more coming for her to get through. It sounds like this week was a bad week with added stress from her friends. Honestly from what I am hearing and seeing I'm shocked she held it together as long as she did."

Emmett chortled. "Must be those extra servings of stubborn God gave her!" Rose smacked him on the head. "What? You gotta admit the girl is strong willed."

Carlisle ignored Emmett. "Right now there are too many of us here. She obviously likes quiet and all of us being here isn't helping that. But I think that some of us should say to make sure she's ok. I suggest that Alice and Edward stay and keep her company and the rest of us will bow out."

Esme jumped in. "That's fine but tomorrow I'm coming over and I'll make sure she eats. She needs a mother since hers isn't here I'll help her out."

Jasper spoke. "Do we know where her parents are? She mentioned that her family wasn't talking to her. Have any of you heard her talk to her parents?"

"Her friend said she was going to visit them and tell them she was ok, but no I've never heard her talk to them. She did talk to an aunt the other night but I only caught the end of the conversation."

Jasper looked at me. "Do you know if her parents are alive or could they be the two that died? When you said her friend was going to talk to them did she ever report back on what her parents said?"

I thought through what Jasper said and the implications of it all. "No, I don't know. Her friend never said anything about the visit but then again I don't hear any of the calls Bella gets in class. There are lots of conversations I miss."

Jasper nodded. "What other friends does she have here that she spends time with?"

Alice spoke, "When we're at sorority meetings she's very quiet but participates. She never talks about herself, but she participates. I don't think she has any close friends though. I mean I don't think she talks to anyone or ever goes out with anyone. Maybe Angela, but that's it."

"She has a few friends at her Bible study and she has three for a standing dinner afterwards every week." I thought back to last week and remembered how quiet and withdrawn she was with them and how opposite she had been with me just hours earlier. "She's still pretty quiet and reserved with them. None of them know anything about her or her past. Honestly, when with Alice and Emmett that's the most open I've seen her."

Jasper looked at me. _That isn't surprising. I wonder . . . I'll talk to Carlisle later._ I raised my eyebrows at Jasper in silent question. He smirked back _don't worry Edward; it's nothing you need to worry about. Just stick close to Bella and take any opportunity you can to be her friend._

I sighed. We heard Bella coming down the stairs and all of us shut up fast about what we were talking about and started talking about stupid things instead. The whole time we had been talking we had been talking at a fast vampire speed and Bella had stayed in her room for a few minutes and then gone to the bathroom but it looked like our conversation was now over.

Bella came in the kitchen. "I'm sorry about that. I had a call from home I needed to take. I didn't mean to be rude. Are you all ok? Can I get you anything?"

Alice jumped and ran over to Bella throwing her arm over her shoulder. "Nope we're great. Here's the thing. Jazzy needs to go with Emmett and Rose to a thing tonight and I don't want to be bored and alone. Can I stay for a bit and just watch a movie or something. I promise no shopping . . . tonight."

Bella looked around at everyone in confusion. "Umm I guess so. I don't know what kinda company I'll be though."

Alice smiled. "Don't worry about it. I just don't want to be alone. I'll even let you pick the movie!"

A small smile tugged at the corners of Bella's mouth. "That's fine Alice. You pick the movie. I might zone out and miss it anyway."

Carlisle came over to Bella and shook her hand. "Bella if you need anything please call me. I'm glad to help with anything you need, even if it's to check on medication or anything. Ok?" Bella nodded and thanked him.

Esme came over next and hugged Bella. "Listen I'm going to stop by tomorrow and drop a few things to eat off." Bella started to interrupt and Esme talked over her. "Do not insult me by not accepting it. It's a pleasure to cook and I'm happy to send some over." She softly brushed Bella's cheek. "I don't know what's all going on, but a mother knows when a child is hurting. Making you a few meals is the least I can do to help."

Rose came over and hugged Bella as well and I tried to not let my mouth drop open at the sight. I don't think I had ever seen Rose hug anyone other than Emmett. "Bella take care of yourself. I promise I'll help you smack anyone that bugs you. Ok sister?" She then grabbed Bella's hand and gave her their sororities' secret handshake to show her that she was her sister.

Emmett was behind Rose and grabbed Bella picking her up. "Belly Button! Take care. If you get bored with chicken soup let me know. I'll go kill a cow or something for you." Bella's heart started racing and I worried that Emmett was holding her too tightly.

"Emmett, put her down, you're going to break her you big meat head!"

Emmett rolled his eyes. _I got it covered I have picked up a human before you know. They don't break _that_ easily._

I growled. I knew logically he was correct but Bella was so fragile that I didn't want her to get hurt and it is so easy for us vampires to forget and cause harm with our strength.

Jasper came over then and held out his hand which Bella shook with a slight hesitation while trying to smile. It failed but I was glad she was trying.

Bella followed my family to the door thanking them for coming over and helping out. Once everyone left she turned and looked at Alice and me. She was obviously at a loss as to what she was supposed to do with us there. She didn't question my staying, which I was glad for, though if she had I planned on using the excuse that Alice needed a ride home.

Alice bounced on her feet. "Let's watch a movie."

Bella nodded. "That's fine. Why don't you guys pick out what you want to watch. My head is still a bit fuzzy so I'm sure I won't really watch." She then looked at both of us with her head tilted considering something. "I would offer you something to eat or drink but I doubt either of you want anything, but if that changes help yourself." She then looked at me. "Or ask me and I'll get you something." Yeah, it was obvious she heard Emmett, Rose and I in the kitchen earlier and we had raised questions.

Alice giggled. "Bella of course we eat and drink. We just have a weird diet we follow. No biggie. What kinda freaks do you think we are?"

Bella stuttered. "I'm sorry . . . I didn't mean to imply . . . I mean I just never have seen . . . I'm sure you eat."

I cut her off before she got to upset, the last thing she needed right now, especially while standing up was a huge emotional surge. "Bella, it's ok. Alice is teasing you. Just ignore her, we all do." I winked at her and she blushed. "Go sit down, we'll get a movie together and if we need something we'll get it. Ok?"

Bella smiled, it was a much better effort than she gave Jasper, and sat down on the couch grabbing an afghan off the back to wrap around herself.

Alice sat on the couch next to Bella and I looked through her movie collection. It was sparse but had many different genres to pick through. I figured a comedy would be best and picked out Liar Liar. Jim Carey may not be a great comedian but he has his moments. I wanted to sit by Bella as well but didn't want to crowed her so I took a chair by the couch and spent most of my time watching her and not the movie.

She watched little of it as well. She spent her time shriveled up in the blanket picking at the cuffs on her wrists. With everything we had talked about, as a family earlier, I wondered if such thick cuffs that she never seemed to take off, hid scars of some kind. The thought made my anger burn wondering if that was the case and if so what had caused them.

More than half way through the movie Bella started to slowly nod off. I couldn't get over how fragile and broken she looked. Her head was against the couch as if she no longer had the strength to lift it. The dark smudges under her eyes were almost black at this point and her eyes themselves were sunken in. Her cheek bones stood out and her jaw was all skin and angular bone. Her lips were chapped and almost white. Her arms were scraggly and when she picked at the cuffs on her wrists I couldn't help but notice how tiny they were. I could break them with a flick of my finger.

I sighed, aggravated at how this girl was such a dichotomy. She was so fragile that you would think she was weak, but she wasn't. Everything I had witnessed so far showed me a girl that was fighting to get through every day and doing it alone. She obviously cared for and missed her friends but was here away from them. She told Claire it was because they pestered her, but I wonder if it was more than that and if she just didn't want them seeing her like she was now. Compared to the visions that Alice showed me when Bella arrived last semester she was definitely worse off. Compared to last week even I couldn't believe how much she had changed and gone downhill.

My sigh caught Alice's attention and she glanced at me and then looked at Bella. Alice smiled a sad smile. "I wish we could just fix it, but I know we can't. Do you think Jazz was right? Do you think she was raped and that her parents were murdered?"

I sighed again and ran my hands through my hair. "I don't know Alice. I mean it fits, I guess. But honestly there are so many holes and so many unknowns we are just grasping at straws. I think almost any scenario we guess right now we could make fit. At this point I don't know that the details matter so much as just getting her to take care of herself. Up until this week she was doing ok it seems, hopefully she'll turn herself around."

Alice softly brushed Bella's hair. "Yeah hopefully." Then she looked at me and got a wicked glint in her eye. "I saw you, ya know." I raised an eye brow at her. She then showed me the picture of Bella and I 3 nights ago, when we were outside and her head as on my shoulder. I couldn't see her face that night but in Alice's vision I could. She looked peaceful, content. I smiled remembering. Then Alice showed me and Bella joking when I put her alternator in. _She looked so happy, I've never once seen her shine like that. She seems to have some wit about her. No wonder she and Emmett get along. I bet those two together would be a tough pair to reckon with._

I snorted, Alice was right. "You know she isn't like that with others. I mean she's known Jacob for what? Eight months and the entire time he was here two weeks ago she was in a panic with her heart racing and she couldn't say more than 2 word sentences. Even when she was with him, Ben and Angela she was quiet. Don't you find it odd that she can open up to vampires and not humans? I mean she was in this room with 7 vampires standing around her that would be enough to cause most humans to have a full on panic attack, but not her. It's not natural, I wonder if her system is so depressed from not eating and sleeping that she can't have normal reactions."

Alice smiled, "who knows, could be anything. I say let's take what we got and run with it." Her eyes were shining again.

"You're keeping something from me aren't you?" I was treated to more Brittney Spears singing with visions of her in tiny lingerie doing nasty things to me. I growled loudly and startled Bella awake. I felt like a terrible cad and glared at Alice letting her know I was mad.

Bella turned and looked at Alice and me and started shaking a bit. Alice held Bella's shoulder. "What's wrong sweetie?"

Bella shook her head. "Nothing. I guess maybe I'm a bit cold? I don't know."

Alice smiled, "why do you go take a shower and warm up. I'll get some more soup ready and we can watch another movie. How's that sound?"

Bella just nodded and went upstairs. I couldn't help but notice how jerky and erratic her movements were. She really was holding herself together by a thin strand right now.

"How long are we staying tonight?"

Alice smirked at me. _How long am I staying and when are you going back to your new home in the tree outback?_

"Shut it!"

Alice giggled. _I'd like to get her some more soup and then maybe one more thing later before we go. It's only 4 o'clock now, maybe leave by eight or nine depending on how she's doing. I would like to get her to take some sleep medicine; do you think we should just grind some up in her food so she can sleep?_

"No! We are not drugging her against her will. She already feels out of control the last thing she needs is us doing something like that."

Alice was remorseful. _I'm sorry. I know you're right; I just want her to sleep and get better. Watching her like this is killing me. _

We sat there for a bit and I heard the shower turn on and Bella pull back the curtain to get in. I could hear everything. Her washing her hair, her washing her body. I instantly got hard and had to shift myself around. Of course Alice caught the whole thing. _Trouble brother mine?!_

"What? You find it funny that my body is reacting to a broken girl that needs help? That for the first time in my life as a vampire I'm dealing with problems related to my humanity. You find it funny that I have vulgar reactions to a girl that would react with who knows what kind of disgust if she knew? The girl is broken. I have never spent this much time with any human, ever since being a vampire. It's bringing out all kinds of emotions and reactions that I've never experienced. No wonder vampires stay away from humans if being around them causes such turmoil. Maybe our family are freaks that we even are around them on a day to day basis." I didn't mean to go off on Alice but I have been increasingly confused and disgusted with my thoughts, feelings and reactions. The only thing I can think of to be causing it is Bella. As a human she is bringing out repressed human traits of mine and I'm not sure I like it.

_Edward, that's not what I meant. I'm sure you're confused right now but don't let what's going on scare you. Bella needs you, she needs us. I know that you have been experiencing weird thoughts and emotions since Bella came around. Have you thought about why that is?_

"I told you, it's because I am not use to being this close to a human. I mean I spend all of my time watching and observing her, it has to rub off on me. I mean have you ever heard of a vampire as obsessed with a human before?"

_No, why are you so obsessed with her?_

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I thought about Bella. Why was I so obsessed with her? I knew I was but I guess I never thought through why. "I don't know Alice. I just know she needs me, needs us. I can't turn my back on her and her pain. It's like I feel it myself." I looked at her willing her to understand how I felt. "I just can't let her die."

Alice came over and gave me a hug. _Edward, we'll do everything we can to prevent it. I promise. Now let me go call Esme to make sure I heat the soup correctly and ask her about making Bella something more later. Edward, I don't know what is going to happen with Bella but I am really hopeful._ I nodded. My brain was so full of thoughts right now and I didn't know where to start sorting them out but I knew that more important than me was the angel upstairs who needed me, needed us.

* * *

**Out Takes - **I have been talking to people and some missed that there was an out take that I published that took place before last chapter that filled in a few holes. If you go to my profile you will find the out takes posted on a separate story labeled: Darkest Before the Dawn Out Takes. There is also a Jasper POV out take for this chapter that I will have up in less than an hour. The out takes are for you the readers to have a better perspective as to what is going on around Edward. This story is all Edward but there are other characters involved, doing things that may be confusing if you didn't hear their thoughts or conversations. Edward will eventually get to most of the things in the out takes but it will be chapters ahead as he learns it. So are the out takes necessary to read? no. Are they helpful? I think so. There will be NO Bella out takes. Eventually I will have an AN about what to do about Bella.

When reading about Bella, look at the subtleties. She reacts completely different with Edward, than with Jacob. She is laughing around him and can't even look Jacob in the eye. So yes, there is a relationship budding there. But Bella does have PTSD. She will fight Edward and herself. She has known him 2 weeks at this point so realistically she has opened up to him more than is logical. She also has never told her story, except as was needed to relate to lawyers and Police Officers. So no Bella is not going to be telling her story soon, not even to Edward. I have someone that has been helping me that has dealt with rape, assault and has suffered from PTSD. I really am trying to make this story as realistic as I can, with vampires included ;)

Yes Bella has had a bad week. I know a lot of you want to take her home and wrap her in a blanket. Truly you don't know how much I smile reading how many of you care about her. This is really the end of the truly bad Bella for a while. She has had a week of hell and remembrance. Going forward things won't be as bad for her so you won't see her quiet as broken. I tried to stay canon with her birthday the beginning of Sept so that's why this all happened to her now, kinda.

Thanks to Ronnie. I swear I don't know how she deals with me and my chapters and gets them beta'ed. Especially this week as I was so late getting my chapters to her.

Thanks for Nissa Cullen and scarlettappy that pre-read this chapter and out take to make sure I was heading where I needed to be.

Forum ladies, Bob, Emma, Weezy, 4String, Kneon, and Rose. You ladies keep me going with your humor and hugs. THANKS.

I will be adding 2 additional banners, to my profile, made for my by NostolgicMiss that are wonderful.

Rec this week. I had one all ready but oh my word, I just read a mind screwing fic. If you are looking to fall down the rabbit hole trying to figure out what is going on this is the story for you. Fault by ineedyousway.

Thank you readers and reviewers. I'm always amazed at the insight and questions I get. I respond to each review, even the quick "Great Chapter" ones. All reviewers get a tease for next week.


	16. Coming back from the Dark

**Chapter 16 – Coming back from the Dark**

I sat in my tree over looking Bella's house. Alice and I had left her a few hours ago after she had eaten the rest of the soup that Esme had given her and some popcorn that was made in the microwave. Honestly human food not only smelled bad but making it was just weird. I was happy that we also got Bella to drink four 20oz glasses of water. She was doing better physically and hopefully we could keep her on the upswing. Tomorrow would be a bad day, but I had confidence in Esme to make sure Bella ate.

I watched the angel sleeping. She hadn't moved in more than 40 minutes and hadn't had a nightmare yet. I think her little body was just too worn out and after getting some food in her I think even her mind had shut down for a bit. I just hoped it lasted long enough that she could get some decent sleep.

After Bella had come out of the shower Alice had the soup ready and waiting for her along with a glass of water. I barely noticed Bella eating as I was assaulted by her freshly showered scent. I was glad that she was so distracted by the food in front of her that she missed that I wasn't talking at all. My entire being was concentrating on my blood lust and physical lust and the war raging between the two.

I sat in my tree trying to figure out what this girl was doing to me. Was all of this going on just because I was getting so close to a human? There was logic in that answer but it didn't seem to be correct either. The oddest thing was that I was changing so much. For our kind that is unheard of. Once we change we become a picture of who we are at that point: our likes, dislikes, personalities. We don't change, we stay constant like the stone our body's feel like. The major exception to this is when we mate. Often there can be switches in personalities and desires to mold ourselves to our mate that we will be with for centuries. But obviously that isn't the only time change can occur. I guess we can change too if we get close to humans. They can bring out our humanity. Would the rest of my family experience changes as well being around Bella? I wonder if I ever mate with a vampire if she'll be repulsed by my newly forming human side or if that will all go away when I meet her. It didn't pay to worry about some possible vampire mate in the distance.

I sat pondering for a while knowing that there likely has never been a vampire as interested in a human before; I doubt many vampires have taken such an interest in their food. I sighed running my fingers through my hair.

I watched as the angel continued sleeping and smiled seeing her face look at peace. How I wish that would translate into her daily life. I thought back over her phone conversation with her friend and had to laugh at the idea that she was so stubborn. While many may look at Bella and see weakness, I saw strength. Her life was filled with demons and I had little doubt they were all real. Yet every day this angel got up and did battle with them. No she wasn't winning the battle right now but I hoped we could help her to win.

I pondered how long it would be before she would open up to any of us about her past. I knew that it would be a long time, months surly, years possibly. Whatever had broken her was no little thing and it sounded like she was private before any of this happened. I wondered if she has ever told her story to anyone or if people just know from being around when it happened. I would have to talk to Jasper to see if he could give me ideas on breaking through to her past. I knew her keeping it bottled up was not helping at all.

After a while longer I heard Bella start to moan. A nightmare was coming. I hoped it was one she could sleep through and would just make her toss and turn. The others, where she woke up screaming, physically hurt me. I had no clue what she was dreaming, but I felt pain from those nightmares. My stomach clenched and once I even dry heaved; my stomach was so turbulent.

I sat and watched as the angel fought her demons hoping that for once she would win; but alas, her heart rate was rising, her breaths were become shallow and frenzied. No, tonight again she would lose. Minutes later she woke up screaming and again all I could do was watch and suffer along with her.

She fell back on her pillow and her breathing eventually evened out and her heart rate dropped to a normal beat. She got up and went to her kitchen and poured herself a glass of water and stared outside. There was no expression on her face to give away what she was thinking about.

If Bella was going insane from lack of sleep, nightmares and not eating properly; I was going insane watching her always thinking and never knowing what it was she thought about. Why was the one human that I find myself wanting to help the only person in existence whose mind I can't read? I slowly wondered if that was part of the obsession. Would I find her boring and pedantic if I could read her thoughts? For some reason I didn't think so, but the not knowing was driving me insane. Just one glimpse into her mind to know what she ponders at 2 in the morning after awaking from a night terror as she stands drinking water. She finished her water and went back to bed. She woke screaming only one more time before she got up to start her day.

I watched her walk down stairs in cotton pants and a t-shirt to make coffee. She texted a message off - I presume to her friends so they wouldn't worry - then took her coffee to her office and curled up on the widow seat and just stared outside. It was early, not even 5 in the morning. Bella seemed content wrapped in a blanket, with her pillow, watching the world wake up. She didn't look as bad as yesterday. Her eyes weren't quiet as dark and sunken and her skin didn't seem quiet as stretched and brittle. I knew her body was already processing the water and her kidneys were working again as her many trips to the bathroom indicated. It would be a slow process but she would get there. I would make sure of it.

Bella sat lost in thought until after 7 when Esme rang her door bell. Esme sent me a wave when she got out of the car. She was carrying multiple bags of groceries. It would be interesting to see how Bella reacted to this. I had the feeling that being taken care of was not something she enjoyed. I wondered if she would let Esme.

Bella opened the door and looked surprised. "Hello?"

Esme smiled. "I told you I would be back dear. I know it's early but I thought I could make a few things. You could join me if you want and we can see where the day takes us."

That was not the answer Bella was planning on, you could tell. But she took a breath and ushered Esme in. Esme walked straight into Bella's kitchen and started unpacking what she had brought. Bella stood in the doorway looking nervous. "Esme what did you bring?"

Esme threw a smile over her shoulder as she continued to unpack. "A little of this, a little of that. Honestly I'm just excited to cook meals like this. At home it doesn't happen, so please just let me be for a bit. Are eggs and hash browns ok for breakfast?" Bella simply nodded obviously overwhelmed. "Good then good back to wherever you were and doing whatever you were doing it and I will find you in a bit. Shoo, out of here."

Bella looked incredulous but did as she was told and went back to her window seat in the den. It took very little time before she was zoned out and back in her little world completely ignoring the sounds coming from the kitchen.

Esme had been up all night going through cookbooks re-familiarizing herself with the mechanics of cooking. Most of which were vastly different now then they were in the 1920's. At least Esme has baked for school functions for us throughout the years and of course made dinners periodically when Carlisle had colleagues over, but she definitely had more planned than I had ever seen before.

When she was done making the eggs, hash browns and toast, she brought it all to Bella along with fresh squeeze orange juice. She handed the tray of food to Bella and let her sit in her window seat while she ate. Esme sat on the overstuffed chair by her.

"Somehow watching the day wake up and the sun rise helps remind me that each day is full of new promise and wonderful things can happen in it."

Bella turned and looked at Esme, not expecting such a comment. "What if the day doesn't have wonderful things happen in it? Does that mean the dawn lied about its promise?"

"No." Esme thought through what she wanted to say. "I believe everyday there is something we can take with us that is positive no matter how tragic the day was. Has Edward or Alice ever told you how Carlisle and I met?"

Bella shook her head and blushed. "I'm sorry to say that until yesterday I hadn't heard of you." Bella looked embarrassed and quickly continued, "I'm sure it was an oversight. I mean we've never really talked about families or our personal life at all. I don't think they were hiding you or embarrassed or anything." It amazed me how worried Bella was about hurting Esme's feelings.

"Dear, don't worry. I'm sure that college age kids have more to talk about than the old cousins they live with." She smiled at Bella. "Carlisle met me at the hospital. I had tried to take my life after my newborn baby died in his sleep. To say it was a bad time for me is to say the sun is a bit warm. I felt I deserved to die because I allowed my son to die. I knew logically it wasn't my fault, but my heart wouldn't listen. To this day I still feel I let him down."

Esme looked at Bella. "Tragedy comes to us all in one form or another. No life isn't touched by it in some way. Some of us have deeper wounds and more tragedy but we also aren't alone. Bella, isolating yourself isn't the answer. Yes taking time to regroup is one thing but don't shut yourself off from everyone. Now enough of that. Let me know when you're done with your breakfast and I'll collect your tray. Eat!"

Bella simply nodded and absentmindedly started eating her food. I was happy that she finished all of her eggs and most of her hash browns. She ate slowly but steadily which was good so she didn't get sick. I wondered, again, what was going on in that beautiful head of hers. What was she thinking about Esme's story? Would it encourage her to open up and let us all be friends?

When she was done eating she got up and brought her tray into the kitchen where Esme was kneading bread for later. Esme scolded her. "Bella I said I would get your tray. You just sit dear. Really you don't know how peaceful it is to cook and be in a house without 5 college age kids running around. I consider this a vacation. You've been around Emmett; now picture living with him!" Esme chuckled.

Bella smiled a genuine smile back at Esme. "Well I don't know if I could handle Emmett on that permanent of a basis. He's fun every now and then but wow, living with him. I guess I never thought of that. I bet Alice is a lot too. She is a sweetheart but I don't think I've seen her sit still for more than 3 minutes, other than last night when she was here."

Esme laughed again. "Alice is a bundle of energy. That's true. If you think she is over excited when you see her, there is no way I can explain her when Jasper is away. He brings her calm."

Bella's eyes pooped open. "Are you trying to tell me I've seen the calm version of Alice?"

"I'm afraid so. At least Jasper isn't away often so it is rare for Alice to not have him around."

"What about the others, Rose and Edward?"

"Rose is pretty quiet. Well, unless she has an opinion of course. Then she will scream to bring the house down to get it out. Edward, well Edward is private and quiet. I'm guessing he's the one you would most closely relate to. He fights a lot of thoughts and guilt in his head that he doesn't share."

I was surprised by Esme's comments. I heard in her thoughts that she hoped I wasn't mad with her sharing, and I wasn't, just surprised. I didn't think the family knew how troubled with guilt I still was over the years I went rogue and fed off of humans.

Bella looked around the kitchen and spotted a pile of apples. "What are they for?"

"I was hoping to make applesauce. I know it is a bit early in the year, but warm fresh made applesauce will hopefully warm you up." Esme had noted that Bella shivered a lot and had multiple layers on even though the day was only slightly cool. The girl had no body fat at all to keep her even slightly warm so it was no wonder she was so cold.

"Applesauce?" Bella walked over to the apples. "Umm Cortland and Mac's. That's how I make it with mom. She always says that combining them makes for the best tasting applesauce. What else do you put in? Mom always buys the cinnamon candy hearts that are out at Valentine's Day and saves them for applesauce. It gets all pink and tasty." Bella smiled, this was obviously something she shared and loved with her mom. But I did notice she was talking about her mom and what they do, not what they did do. Does this mean we were wrong and her parents or at least her mom is alive?

"Yes, I like to combine them as well. More fun that way. I never thought about the cinnamon candy hearts but I bet that does make a tasty addition."

Bella moved and grabbed a large kettle and a knife and started cutting the apples. "Dear you don't have to do that. I'm here to cook for you not to have you do the cooking."

Bella smiled. "It's no biggie. I love to cook. Chopping a few apples doesn't count as cooking anyway."

The next hour followed with Bella and Esme moving around the kitchen cooking and talking. Bella started out guarded and didn't speak unless spoken to first and answered with short sentences but as the hour progressed she opened more. Esme made sure to keep the topics light and centered on the food they were cooking and easy things and never asked about Bella's past, or what had happened yesterday.

When they were done Esme handed Bella more juice and a banana and told her to go do something quiet and take some time for herself. Esme asked if she could borrow a book and told Bella she was going to read for a bit in the kitchen.

At lunch time Esme made Bella a sandwich and a bowl of applesauce. She brought it to Bella who again was in her office. This time curled up on her chair reading. Esme paused when she saw the Anne Rice vampire book.

"Do you read a lot of Anne Rice? Somehow I didn't picture you as being into vampires."

Bella shrugged. "I'm not overly. Anne Rice actually isn't normal reading for me but I was looking for something different. It's an ok series. It's always interesting to think about a group of people, like vampires running around in normal society."

Esme smirked. "Yeah I wonder what that would be like. Here I brought you some lunch."

Bella smiled. "So I take it you are staying all day to make sure I eat? I promise I will you know."

"I'm sure, but it gives me my excuse to be out of the house. Though if you want me to leave I will."

Bella tilted her head to the side and considered Esme. "No it's ok. Stay as long as you want. You manage to watch without hovering. Thank you."

So their day progressed. Sometimes Bella would come out of her office and chat with Esme about inconsequential things but mostly she stayed in her office, reading, dozing off, or mostly thinking. After dinner Esme left.

Bella stayed up until midnight but didn't seem upset. More just lost. As I watched her though there was a tension missing from her that had been there all week. Her melancholy was tangible but she still seemed better. She kept her promise and texted her friends a few times but I could see the change in her without having the pressure of the phone calls and the constant justifying herself to people. Esme never once asked how she was doing and I think that, more than anything, helped her get through the day.

That night her nightmares seemed worse than before. She called out begging for forgiveness and help. I stayed in my tree, lost. How could an angel beg for forgiveness? Angels didn't need forgiveness, only demons that harm them. Each time she screamed, each time she cried out, I felt a part of me tearing away in pain. I couldn't imagine what she felt.

What kept me from falling into complete despair was listening to this angel call my name. Two times that night my name fell from her lips. I never knew what it was in relation to but a part of me stirred each time.

She did get 4 hours of sleep and when she got up to make her coffee I looked over her. Like yesterday there were changes. Almost imperceptible to a human but I could see them. The dark circles were slightly lighter, her skin ever so slightly more elastic, her lips held a touch more rose in their color.

I followed her to church that morning. Esme had left me a change of clothes so I didn't have to run home. When she got there I sat for a minute before following her in. She was seated in the back and I made my way to her and sat next to her, not saying anything. She looked at me and gave me a tentative smile and I smiled back at her.

Around me, thoughts ran from incredulous to worry. People couldn't decide if my being by Bella was good for her or dangerous. Most people reacted normally to me, unlike Bella, and felt a fear they couldn't explain; but since Bella was accepting of my sitting next to her people were hesitant to say anything. Humans were so predictable. I knew my coming in would cause a stir, and I cared only if it upset Bella. Since she didn't appear upset I didn't care about the humans around us.

As service began I was shocked in awe as I listened to the waif of a girl next to me belt out songs of love and life in a beautiful soprano. Again the dichotomy of Bella was evident. Here was a Christian girl singing about God winning and concurring all while she planned on killing herself. Did she see the irony?

Throughout the service I kept most of my attention on the angel next to me. I watched her giving her attention to the Pastor and his sermon. I watched her page through her worn Bible to reference the passages mentioned, I watched her always looking around and assessing where people were. I don't even think she realized she was doing it.

When service was ended Bella took a deep breath and looked at me. She again smiled, which I returned with a wink and we both left. Neither having said a word but it didn't matter. For some reason it felt right to be there for her without demands or pressure.

When she got home she went in her kitchen and looked around, obviously trying to decide what to eat. I was so happy she was thinking about eating as I didn't know how we would get her to eat today otherwise.

As she lingered, Alice drove up. _Time to leave Edward. I'm taking Bella shopping for the rest of the day and giving her a much needed break. _You _are not invited so don't ask. I promise she'll be fine. Now go!_

I was mad. What right did Alice have to tell me what to do? I had been watching over Bella for 3 weeks now and if I wanted to stay she shouldn't think that she could make me leave.

_Please Edward. I want to give her some girl time. Plus you need a break. You're always here, just go home and take a few hours off. Carlisle misses you._

I sighed. I knew she was right. I just . . . I just didn't want to leave Bella. I knew that nothing would happen to her with Alice around but it didn't matter. This human was messing me up. Maybe a break would be a good thing. I nodded to Alice and took off to my car to go home.

When I got home Emmett was outside collecting wood. I looked at him wondering what he was doing now. "Eddie" I growled, he knew I hated that name. "I'm collecting wood to start a fire. Got any _wood_ you can share?" I looked up to the sky and walked right past him. I didn't need this right now. I could hear Rose and Jasper chuckling inside and Esme telling them to be quiet. Great, my whole family knew of my "issue", not that I was surprised. Emmett couldn't keep anything to himself.

Ignored everyone and went straight to my piano. There were so many songs floating in my head I wanted to get out. I started with the piece that Bella inspired before we left for Denali. Her lullaby I liked to think of it as. When I was done I moved on to another piece and worked through it. It was inspired by the smiles that would grace her beautiful face. The piece, like her smiles, was tentative, full of promise and always ready to burst forth into something bigger and more beautiful.

Rose came in and sat by me when I was done. "That was beautiful Edward. What inspired it?" I looked at her. What would she think if I told her it was a human? Rose was so volatile and obsessed with her lost humanity I figured she would blow up. As I watched her she looked me dead in my eyes. _Bella?_ There was no animosity in her thoughts.

I nodded. "Her smiles."

Rose simply nodded at me. "You know she's broken and you have to be careful with her."

I glared at her. "Really Rose. I couldn't tell."

I could see Rose's hackles rise. "I'm trying to help. How many times have you worked with a victim like her? I didn't know you were such an authority."

She started to get up and I grabbed her arm to keep her there. "I'm sorry, you're right. I just." I blew out a breath. "I just don't want to be the cause of more pain for her."

Rose nodded. "Just be there for her. Right now she needs to see that all men aren't monsters, especially with assholes like Mike Newton plaguing her. Show her that guys can be gentlemen and not pigs. Be very careful touching her. I'm sure that touches will trigger a lot of things if done wrong and there is no way, to know what will trigger a memory."

"I won't touch her."

Rose looked at me. _What does he mean?_

"Rose she's so fragile. I'm scared I'd break her. I don't want to touch her without thinking and cause her harm."

"Edward." Rose stopped as she tried to come up with a good analogy. I could hear her every thought but Rose liked to talk to me out loud. It was her way of reinforcing that she didn't like me in her head. "Edward, you play piano. Sometimes hard and loud, _forte,_ sometimes quiet and gentle, _piano_. Bella is not so fragile that she can't be touched. I think you know it but are scared. Whatever it is, you need to get over it. If you avoid touching Bella, in normal circumstances, she'll notice and think you don't think she's worthy. She'll assume you think she's too dirty to touch. I'm not saying manhandle her, but geesh Edward you can touch her a little."

Rose was of course right. I did have an unnecessary fear of touching Bella, both because of my strength and because of her fragility, both physical and emotional. I played through in my mind each touch I had experienced with Bella. That first time she shook my hand in the quad 2 weeks ago. My placing my hand on her back guiding her and the shiver she gave. Then Friday when I held her in my arms and carried her to safety and holding her against myself in the car. She didn't break. She didn't get upset. She was ok. Could I touch her? Was she as fragile as I thought? Even if she was, Rose was right, I could control my strength and have many times in my life. Just because this was a different way than I've touched a human before didn't mean I would hurt her. I just needed to always keep in mind that she was human.

Rose left while I was thinking and I continued plucking out random thoughts and images in my head. I all but ignored everyone in the house and sat at my piano working through my thoughts, how I related to Bella, my family and how they had all closed ranks to be there for her. They were amazing.

When Alice came in I stopped abruptly and went to her. "How is she?"

Alice laughed. _She's fine. Nothing happened. I added everything she ate to the tacking sheet you are using. When I left her she was looking ok._ I had started a tracking sheet on-line to keep track of Bella's caloric intake and food eaten. Carlisle was monitoring it and would help make suggestions of food for anything nutritionally that she might be missing.

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. I was happy to hear she was fine. I knew she would be but still I was happy for the confirmation.

"Yeah I even got her to laugh a few times."

I couldn't hold back my smile. "Really?"

Alice laughed and nodded. At this point the entire family was surrounding us. "Don't fret, she was making dinner and heading to our sorority meeting. You can see her after."

Our fraternity meeting that night was diverting. Many had witnessed Newton's walk of shame with his urinated pants. Everyone knew that He had peed himself because he was scared of Jasper, who hadn't thrown one punch. While most people did find Jasper scary no one cut Mike slack over it. In fact many thoughts showed that the boys were upset over Mike's antics. This was a good bunch of guys.

The most interesting thing I found was how many were mad that Mike was out of line with Bella Swan. From the sound of the many thoughts focused on her and how they noticed her shy, quietness and her always being alone; she definitely wasn't as unnoticed as she thought she was.

Ben addressed the fraternity, letting them know about what was unacceptable treatment of women and that he didn't care if he had to place the whole fraternity on probation, he would. He then reminded everyone that Friday night we were hosting a party with the Phi Mu's. I heard the light bulb go off when he remembered that Bella was a member of that sorority and remembered that in the past she had put in an appearance at some of the parties.

"Everyone will be on their best behavior that night. Listen guys I'm gonna cut to the chase. Everyone knows what happened and I'm not going to pretend. We all know that Bella is a Phi Mu. I will personally be extending an invitation to her and I hope that none of you cause me to regret it. Treat her as your mother taught you to treat a lady."

Again I listened to the thoughts around me and was again happy to hear how many of the guys were either indifferent or decided to prove to Bella that not all Betas, or men for that matter, were pigs. Only a few thoughts were sexual in nature, which considering the age and the hormones of the boy involved was impressive. Though I made a note of each one that had impure thoughts and would make sure that none of them were anywhere near Bella that night if she did come.

When we were done with our meeting I went to Bella's house and smiled when I saw she was baking. Last week she had forgone that nightly ritual and I could see how relaxed she was moving around her kitchen. I was glad to see her in her element again. That night she slept deeply between her nightmares and fell back asleep after waking quicker than she did the night before. She said my name three times.

Monday saw a Bella back at school that was almost like what people were used to. Most people didn't notice how much weight she was still down or that her paleness was still more pronounced, but she was trying. The walking corpse was no longer and for that I was thankful.

At lunch she was quiet but not silent. She bought fruit and yogurt for herself without being prompted. I watched her keep one eye on everything going on and was shocked when Mike came in that she excused herself to talk to him.

She walked over, wringing her hands and biting her lip. Jasper caught Mike's eye and stood up, making sure that Mike knew that Jazz was watching him. When Bella got to the table that Mike was at all conversation stopped. Bella looked at Mike and quickly looked away. She whispered, "I'm sorry about Friday. I wasn't feeling well and moved too fast. I'm sorry I passed out."

Mike started to glare and caught Jasper watching over Bella's shoulder. "That's ok. My fault. I shouldn't have got in your space."

Bella simply nodded and walked back to our table. Conversation started back at Mike's table and it was not in Bella's favor. The trash they were talking would have made a sailor blush. Jasper cleared his throat and Mike looked back over at him and decided that leaving the quad and eating elsewhere was a better idea.

Tuesday found Bella much the same. She joked a bit with Emmett and tried to smile a few times. I watched her and saw that while she never touched Emmett or me, that she touched Alice a lot and even Rose a few times. Nothing big, just light touches of her hand on their arm or a pat on the hand. It was all absent minded but showed how much she had cut herself off from people with the way that she lived in isolation.

Wednesday things continued. I showed up at Bella's bible study and sat next to her and she smiled and shyly welcomed me. This time I brought a Bible with me so I wouldn't feel so out of place and listened to all the conversation ebb and flow and smiled to myself when I heard Bella give her thoughts a few times. She was doing better.

I sat in my car outside the church that night listening to Ben ask her if she was going to the Beta party. I heard in his thoughts that he planned on trying to be persuasive. Angela was encouraging him because she worried that Bella never got out. They were both surprised when Bella told them that she was planning on going because Alice Brandon had insisted she would and even brought her an outfit to wear.

Thursday I wasn't expecting to see Bella. She normally didn't stop by for lunch but went straight to the hospital to spend time with the kids so I was surprised to see her walk in and head over to our table. I was with all my siblings and Bella looked nervous but not scared. She looked at me a few times worrying her lip. Finally she took a deep breath. "So I know that you told me that I couldn't pay you for the alternator that you put in for me." I simply nodded. "Well instead I did something for you." She handed me a paper. I looked at it. She had made a donation in my name to the American Meat Institute. She looked at me and blushed. "It wasn't until I clicked send payment that I remembered you're a vegetarian." She winked and walked away.

I burst out laughing. Seriously that was a good one. My brothers and sisters looked at me like I was nuts, all their thoughts on the fact that they hadn't seen me laugh like that in more than 2 decades.

"You gotta share! What did she do?"

I held out the paper. "She made a $200.00 donation to the American Meat Institute for me."

All four of my siblings laughed. "Bella is good at pay back and sneaky. I have got to work with her on some more tricks!" Emmett was all excited thinking up all the fun they could have and mischief they could make.

I spent the rest of the day with a smile on my face. The fact that Bella put so much thought in what to do to get the money back to me and was so creative in her follow through enlivened me. Yeah Bella definitely could be a firecracker and I hoped she would more often.

* * *

AN Did you like how Bella paid Edward back? I thought it was a bit humorous. Yes The American Meat Institute is a real entity.

I wanted to quickly address, because I forgot to last chapter, whenever you see the Cullens speculating. They are just that, speculating. Do not assume that what they say or think about Bella's past is truth. So many of you have asked me if Bella's parents are alive that I figured they would wonder as well. I just wanted to clarify that so there are no questions later about the Cullens saying something about Bella's past and then learning they were wrong. If they are ;)

Thank you to MidniteSerenade and NissaCullen for looking over my chapter and giving me their input. MidniteSerenade makes it all readable and knows what a semi-colon is. She's great!

Now ladies that are on Twilighted. I have run into a few of you in the Human forum. You all can meander into the vamp forum and chat with us. LOL I promise you won't get bitten. LOL

My rec this week. Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder by Adidasgrl328. If you are looking for a sweet love story w/o a lot of angst (kinda like mine lol) then this is a great story for you. Bella is blind and it is her journey of falling in love with Edward. It is all fluffy and sweet and sometimes you just need that.

Thanks all for reading and reviewing! Your thoughts and questions keep me going. Even all of you that want to bean Edward! LOL


	17. Not Her

**Chapter 17 – Not Her**

"I'll be at your house at 6:00, be ready, having showered and eaten." Alice said looking at Bella.

Bella sighed. "Alice there is no reason for you to come over 2 hours before the party starts. I can dress myself and get there on my own."

"Bella first of all we will not be showing up at the party at 8. No one shows up that early, we'll make an appearance later. Secondly girls always get ready together. We need the time to gossip and plan. Lastly this is a party. Hello! We need to get our nails done, hair, make-up, so much more than just throwing on some clothes!"

Bella had a pained look on her face. I thought I would try to interject and help, though I knew it was pointless. "Alice, Bella is beautiful already, you don't need to spend hours primping her." Bella sent me a huge smile of thanks while blushing.

"Edward! I never said that Bella isn't pretty. That isn't the point. We can always look better and just throwing on any old thing while putting your hair in a pony tail is not appropriate for a party!"

Emmett laughed. "Bella just give in. The pixie won't stop until she has you sitting as her personal Barbie. It'll hurt less if you just give in."

Bella gave a pained expression. Alice perked up as Rose came in and sat on Emmett's lap. "Rose, tell everyone that it's important to look your best for a party and going to Bella's at 6:00 is not weird!"

Bella gave Rose a pleading look. "Rose please tell Alice I'm not a Barbie doll and that I can dress myself. Please!"

Rose shook her head. "Alice, Bella isn't a Barbie doll. Bella you need to do more than put some clothes on and brush your hair." Rose looked at Bella and my jaw dropped when I heard what she was going to say next. "How about I come over with Alice? I'll rein her in so she doesn't go over board and we can all go to the party together." Rose was offering to help Bella and spend time with her. That was surprising. No that was shocking.

Bella sighed and hung her head. "I'm not going to win am I?"

Alice laughed. "Nope! Six o'clock, be ready!" _Edward, I think you should go hunting this afternoon. Being in a frat house with sweaty humans and Bella doesn't take a physic to know that isn't a great combination. _ I sighed and nodded my head. Bella caught my nod and gave me a strange look. I just smiled at her.

"Hey Emmett, let's get out of here early and prepare ourselves tfor the party?" Emmett knew exactly what I meant.

"Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!"

I caught Jasper's eye and he got up to come hunt with us.

We left and I drove us out of Seattle to Mt. Rainier National Park area. I was hoping that we could get some bigger game. A carnivore would be more satisfying than an herbivore. I had been eating nothing but deer for a while.

I decided to talk to my brothers. "Tonight I don't want Bella to be alone for even one second. I mean we don't have to be on top of her but I also want to make sure that no one does anything that will upset her. We all know how rowdy drunk frat boys can get. I mean the guys are a pretty good bunch but it only takes one."

Emmett pumped his fist. "You got it. Anyone talks to Bella out of turn and I'll take care of them." He snorted, "and I won't just make them have a urination problem. Though I do admit Jazz that was pretty good!"

Once we got there I got out of the car and breathed in the fresh air. I walked with my brothers into the trees where no one would see us. I let my mind expand to listen to thoughts and gauge where there were humans so we could avoid them. "Stick to the southwest. No one's in that direction." Both my brothers nodded and off we went.

I ran. I love to run. The freedom, the wind rushing past me, it felt almost like I was flying. Not long after starting I caught the scent of a bear. I changed course and took it down quickly - its blood coating my throat and easing the burn. I got up after draining the bear and quickly disposed of it. I took a deep breath. I was satiated but thought that I should try to find more. I didn't want to just be satisfied but gluttonously full.

I found a coyote not far away to take down. At this point I was uncomfortably full. I hoped this helped me at the party tonight. I knew under normal circumstances I wouldn't have to take such fervent measures. I could handle humans and their scent, but with Bella being there I wouldn't take a chance.

I searched out my brothers and found Emmett playing with a bear of his own while Jasper egged him on. Emmett liked to play with bears, as he was found by Rosalie almost dead, having been mauled by one. She ran for 2 hours to bring him to Carlisle to be changed. Ever since he's liked to mess with bears. Usually it was amusing.

I sat down next to Jasper to watch. Jasper kept watching Emmett but spoke to me. "You ready for tonight?"

"As I'll ever be"

Jasper nodded. "I don't know how you can be around her. She isn't even my singer and I struggle."

I sighed. "You have no idea how difficult it is." I sighed running my hands through my hair. "I'm so scared one of these days I'll slip. I don't think I would ever forgive myself."

Emmett walked over; he had finished his meal. "We won't let you hurt Bella. No worries bro. It'll be ok."

Jasper looked at me, considering me. I tried to get in his head but he was blocking me. All I could get was an overwhelming sense of curiosity about Bella and me. "Just ask, Jasper."

"What's up with Bella? I mean you spend all your time with her. You're changing. What're your thoughts on that?"

I sighed once again. I didn't want to talk about this. I didn't have answers and was sick of trying to come up with any. "I don't know. I think it's just spending so much time with a human. I mean, yeah we're always around them, but we never really interact with them. We never get close to anyone of them personally, get to know them as individuals. I think being around one so closely is just bringing my repressed humanity back." I sighed and got up. "Listen, it doesn't matter. We just have to get Bella to the point where she can live for herself again and then we'll let her be and things will be normal again."

I ignored the part of me that felt like it was ripped out just thinking of not being around Bella anymore. I knew that we needed to do it. Someday we would need to leave her. Let her be human. There would come a time when we could no longer explain why we didn't get older or change. At that point Bella would have to go her own way.

"Let's go back." I started running to my car, ignoring the thoughts of my brothers. I didn't want to listen to them right now. The idea of leaving Bella consumed me. I hadn't thought about it until now, and now that I had I could barely breathe. I drove home and ran up to my room. When I got there I let out an exasperated sigh. Alice had laid out clothes for me to wear. I hated when she did this. I was not a baby who was unable to dress themselves. My thoughts turned to Bella, not that they were ever far away from her, and I laughed reminding myself that Alice was doing a lot more than picking out her outfit. I should be happy that I wasn't spending a few hours being primped and prodded.

Eventually it was time to go. Emmett was the social chair of our frat so he always needed to be to the house early to make sure everything was ready. Emmett made a good social chair with his enthusiasm and daring.

When the party was in full swing, I was walking around talking to people, bored out of my mind. I really hated parties. Being around humans, listening to their thoughts in an enclosed space was always enough to make my head hurt, but listening to drunken thoughts and revelry was always an added stress.

Suddenly I caught her scent. I looked around and saw her with Rose and Alice. She was a vision. Her hair was down wtih the front up in a barrette so her beautiful eyes couldn't be hidden. She was wearing jeans that quite frankly did sinful things to her legs and hips and a shirt that was black and frothy. She looked mouthwatering and I wasn't talking about her blood.

I walked over to her. "You look beautiful Bella."

She blushed. "Thank you."

"Can I get you anything to drink?" I didn't picture Bella as a kegger kind of girl. I was kicking myself; maybe I should have brought something special for her. A long time ago to avoid the suspicion of not drinking, we Cullen's went to parties with an enclosed mug. We explained it was our own private drink and pretended to drink out of it. We never told anyone it was filled with water, but it kept the questions at bay.

Bella held up her own travel mug. "Nope, I'm good. Thanks." I took a deep breath to see what it was and wasn't surprised to find it was filled with water just like ours.

I simply nodded. Rose spoke up. "Listen, I'm gonna find Emmett, I'll be back soon."

I stood with Alice and Bella and talked for a while. Bella was obviously tense and kept staring at everyone. She had worked her way to a wall and stood against it. I was glad; fewer people could bump into her here. Every time someone brushed against her she would panic and her already fast beating heart would race.

Alice and I just stood talking to her. Ignoring everything around us and keeping the conversation light. Bella's heart started to slow slightly though not to a normal rate. She also started talking more and not just nodding at everything we said.

As we stood and talked I listened to the thoughts of the people around us. Many noted Bella and their thoughts were benign, but at one point I picked up a trace of something else. The thought was gone before I could get a handle on it. I excused myself from the girls and went to search out what was going on. I passed Jasper as I looked. "I left Alice with Bella. Go talk to them; I have to check something out." Jasper looked at me.

_Everything ok?_

I shook my head. "I don't know. Just watch Bella."

I kept walking and made my way to the keg. I saw Emmett there with Rose laughing with some of the guys. I caught the thought again. _ . . slip it in Bella's drink._ I looked at Eric. I grabbed him forcefully by the arm. "Emmet! Get Ben NOW!" I dragged Eric though the house and outside. Bella did not need to know about this. As I went through the house multiple people saw and started to follow.

Once outside I kept my hand on Eric's arm. He sputtered. "Man what's the problem? Masen you've lost it."

I looked at him. "Don't even try. I know exactly what you were planning."

Eric's face went white. In his thoughts I heard his entire plan. He was going to drug Bella in retaliation for what happened to Mike. He was looking forward to seeing her make a slut of herself with any guy around and hoped he'd get chance with her at some point that night as well.

I could barely contain my anger. My hand was shaking; I was trying to control it so badly. All I wanted to do was snap his arm, flick my wrist and break his neck, something. Anything.

Finally Emmett walked out with Ben. "What's going on Edward?"

I took a deep breath. "Ask Eric."

Eric stood next to me without speaking. Ben came right up to him. "What's up Eric?" Eric shook his head not speaking. Emmett kept looking at me. He didn't know what was going on but knew I was about to lose control.

"Look in his right front pocket" I said through clenched teeth.

Ben glanced at me and dug in Eric's pocket. He pulled out a baggie with the drugs in it. Ben looked at me.

"Eric what's this?" Eric just shook his head.

I grabbed his arm harder. "Tell him!"

Eric looked down. "Some Roofies."

I glared. "Finish it. Tell him who they're for!"

Eric paled. "Bella"

Ben saw red. "What! You were going to try and slip Bella a roofie!" Ben looked away and opened his phone dialing 911. This was acceptable. Not the death and maiming that I wanted but at least Eric would face consequences. I nodded at Ben letting him know he was doing the right thing.

When he got off the phone he looked around at the people that were hanging around watching. "Not one of you had better say a word about this. Especially to Bella." Most of the people nodded and all of them were disgusted with Eric.

I stayed outside until the police came. I didn't want to chance Eric getting away. I had never been so glad to see a person in handcuffs in the back of a squad car. Eric was terrified and didn't want to go to jail and was trying to figure out what to tell his parents. I didn't care.

When Eric and the police were gone I walked over to Emmett. He and Rose were off to the side talking, both trying to calm down and neither doing that great of a job of it. "I want to kill him for trying to hurt Bella. What was he thinking?" I honestly was surprised that Emmett hadn't tried to kill Eric. Rose, either, for that matter. Composure was not a trait that either has in abundance.

"Come on Emmett, let's go find a quiet room for a bit." I knew that they would be gone the rest of the night. Emmett and Rose liked sex and had it often and in various ways. But I also knew it drew them together and right now they needed that. Rose was thinking back to the time she was raped by her fiancé when she was human and Emmett was worried about Bella.

I left them to figure their own things out and went inside to find Bella. Alice and Jasper were still talking to her though they had moved from the wall. Alice caught my eye. _I can't believe Eric was going to try something so stupid. I can't believe you didn't kill him. Bella knows nothing and I know you want to keep it that way. I think it's a good idea. Jasper and I have been distracting her as best we can._ I nodded to her.

"So what have you all been doing?" I asked, trying to act normal.

Bella shrugged. "Nothing just talking. These two keep trying to get me to dance."

I lifted an eye brow. "You don't dance?"

Bella smiled at me. "Edward, you've seen me walk. I trip over air. Do you really think I could stay upright dancing?"

I laughed. "I'm sure you'd do ok."

We all continued talking for a while when I heard Bella finish her water and the air sucking sound from her straw. Alice looked at her. "Want some of mine? I'm not gonna finish?"

Bella's eyes went wide. "No!" she shouted. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Sorry no, I'm good. Thanks." I had no clue what was going on.

I glanced at Jasper. _Panicked. _That was exactly what I was thinking. Strange.

We kept talking and moving a bit, Bella never noticing that Alice was maneuvering us to the dance floor. Once we got there she grabbed Bella's hand and dragged her out. "It's a party and we're dancing!"

Bella sighed in exasperation. "Fine, if I kill someone it's on your head!"

Bella started moving her hips and despite what she said she was actually not bad. In fact watching her swing her hips and throw her hands in the air was having a pronounced affect on my body, and from the thoughts around me I wasn't alone. Looking at Bella you wouldn't think provocative, but there was definitely something about her that stimulated me.

A new song started and we continued dancing. There was a slight commotion across the room and Alice saw one of her sorority sisters was getting sick and ready to pass out. She looked at me and Jazz. "We should go help her." _Will you be ok on your own?_ I nodded my head in reply to both questions. I saw Alice help her sister out the back door with Jasper not far behind.

Bella looked at me and smiled, slightly tenser but such a slight amount that it was almost imperceptible. "Don't worry, they'll be back soon. Are you ok?" Bella just nodded and kept dancing.

I couldn't take my eyes off the angel in front of me. As I watched her on the dark dance floor with lights bouncing around, she stood out amongst the rabble. Her innocence was obvious and tempting. Tempting and drawing you in to taste a hint. To take a nip of her and taste a drop of her blood to see if her innocence would come to you.

Suddenly she turned around and threw her head back. At the same time someone bumped me from behind, I wasn't prepared and I nudged Bella. Instinctively I placed my hands at her waist. I looked down to apologize and her head was back with her neck exposed. All I could see was her pulse beating against the thin membrane of her skin. All I could hear was her heart beating in rhythm calling to me. All I could smell was her scent washing over me, begging me to just try a little bit of the nectar that was Bella. All I could feel was Bella against me almost touching my straining erection.

I needed her. I needed her blood. Venom was flooding my mouth. I stood transfixed staring at her neck, not able to move away, but not able to take a bite either.

In my mind I pictured us leaving the party. Going to my car and driving off. Me taking her in her bed and burying myself in her wet heat and as both of us came to completion. Me sinking my teeth in her neck her precious blood coating my throat. The image in my head was so vivid I almost came just imagining both of my lusts satisfied with this beautiful girl.

After what felt like an eternity, but was in fact less than 20 seconds, Bella tried to turn around but my hands were clamped on her waist still and I wasn't able to let go. She struggled ever so slightly and the predator in me reacted to its prey and I growled. Bella's eye turned to me in fear. I knew she saw the monster inside me. He was screaming to be let out, to take what I knew would be unparalleled joy and satisfaction. I was holding the monster at bay by the thinnest thread and I knew she saw her imminent death in my eyes.

As soon as I saw her doe eyes looking at me in terror, the spell was broken. I let go of her and ran out of the room. I ran upstairs to an open bedroom and tried to cool down. I was ashamed. How could I have acted like that? How could I frighten an angel? I was a monster. All the proof I needed was right in front of me. This angel that was terrified of parties, that was terrified of men, trusted me and I showed her that her trust was misplaced. I could never face her again. I would leave. I would not risk her life because I couldn't control myself.

Suddenly it occurred to me as I was pacing upstairs that Bella was now alone downstairs. What if my leaving her caused another type of monster to come after her? I searched through the thoughts of the party goers looking for Bella. No I wouldn't go to her but I would still be able to watch out for her, protect her.

I found her talking to Ben and Angela telling them that she was leaving and thanking them for the invite. She was frazzled. Ben and Angela were concerned but Bella kept telling them she was fine.

I watched through people's thoughts as Bella left. When she was outside I looked out the window to watch her leave. I wanted to go to her, to explain, to apologize but I knew there was nothing I could say.

As Bella was walking away she stopped and turned. She looked straight at me, like she knew I was there. Her expression was unreadable. We just stood there staring at each other. Neither moving.

Suddenly there was a screeching noise and I looked away. Coming down the road was a van that was out of control. The driver was clearly drunk. The van jumped the curb heading straight for Bella. Before I could think I was out the window racing to her. I grabbed her petite body and curled my body around her. At the same time I held a hand out to stop the van from hitting us, hitting her. The van came to a stop nearly turning over. If it hadn't been for me supporting its weight and throwing it back, it would have fallen on us.

When I was sure the van would no longer be a threat I focused on Bella. I wasn't breathing for fear that she had an open wound. I doubted I could have stopped myself from drinking if her blood was flowing. I looked down and slowly let my arm open to see if she could move on her own. I know when I grabbed her and we went down her head hit the ground. I had no idea how much damage there was. I slowly took a shallow breath to see if she was bleeding and thankfully she wasn't.

As Bella struggled out of my arms I asked her. "Are you ok? Is anything hurt?"

Bella slowly stood up. She was slightly stiff but seemed otherwise ok. "Yeah, I'm fine. How did you do that?"

I panicked. How did I answer this? Often vampires are able to control humans to a point. We use it to draw human in and get them to go to a secluded place to kill them. We can be very persuasive. I hated to lie to Bella but I needed her to not ask questions. I looked down in her eyes and with my most persuasive voice. "Do what Bella? I was standing next to you and pushed you down so you wouldn't get hurt? _I did nothing_."

Bella's brows furrowed. "Edward I'm not stupid. You were just upstairs in that window," She pointed to where I had been. "You got down here and grabbed me and stopped that van from hitting us by pushing it away with your hand. Don't tell me you were right here and did nothing!"

I sighed this was not good. I needed Bella to go with my story. If people suspected what I was, what my family was, we would need to leave and possibly we would have to kill some of them. Such was the code we lived under. No human could know what we were and live.

I implored Bella. "Please just drop it. No one will believe your story. Mine makes more sense."

Bella looked at me, deep in my eyes like she was searching out the truth. After more than one minute of staring at me she simply nodded her head. "Fine I'll tell your story, but I want the truth."

I nodded, having no clue what I would tell her.

The police and ambulance arrived. I broke away from Bella and looked around. My siblings were all there looking on. Alice had told them what happened and they were all concerned that Bella was ok and wondering what we were going to tell her.

A paramedic came over to us and asked if we were ok. "Yeah I'm fine but Bella hit her head and needs to be examined."

Bella turned and glared at me. "I'm fine!" she growled out.

The paramedic looked from me to her. "Listen can I just do a quick look and see if there is anything to worry about and you can decide from there if you want to go to the hospital?"

Bella simply nodded and left with the paramedic; I flowed closely behind. He examined her and found nothing wrong. He did fine a knot on her head and inspected it. He didn't think she had a concussion but said that it would be best to get a CT scan to make sure. Bella told him that she wouldn't be going to the hospital and was fine. I pleaded with her to go but she refused.

Finally, after signing a release, we walked over by my family. They all were apprehensive. Alice and Rose gave her hugs asking if she was ok, to which she told them with great exasperation that she was fine. Bella looked at me. "Are you going to give me some answers now?"

I looked at Bella. No, it was more than likely a glare. I was so conflicted and mad about being in this situation. I shook my head. "No, I have no answers to give."

Bella looked at me and huffed. "Fine!" She turned and walked away toward her car.

I looked at my siblings, pleading with my eyes for answers to questions I couldn't handle. Alice chimed in. "Follow her Edward. Make sure she makes it home safe. We'll phone conference." I nodded and jogged off to my car.

Before I got there my phone rang and I opened it. Alice was calling - Jasper, Emmett and Rose in the car with her; she had Carlisle and Esme on the line as well. She had already told them what had happened.

Emmett spoke first. "Do you think she'll say anything?"

"I don't know. I don't think so, but since I can't read her mind I can't be sure. The thing is, I think she's noticed things about us all already and this is icing on the cake. She's never said anything, so maybe she won't. But she's mad right now so who knows. If she vents or asks questions it won't end well for her or us."

Carlisle voiced the concern that all of us had. "The question is what does she know and how do we keep the Volturi from finding out. Since Edward just got back from Italy it will probably be a few years before they call anyone of us again, but they will know what we know and therefore what Bella knows."

Jasper, ever the strategist chimed in. "If we can neutralize the threat by then I think we will be ok." I growled. We were not killing Bella. "Edward calm down. I'm not saying kill anyone; just if Bella can show that she won't say anything maybe it will appease the Volturi. We all know they have their human 'pets' maybe we make Bella ours and they will leave us alone."

"Bella isn't a DOG!"

Carlisle spoke trying to calm me down. "Edward no one said she was, but if we want to save Bella we need to come up with a plan that will appease the Volturi and that is what they think of humans as. The question is do we tell Bella anything?"

"No I don't think so." Jasper was obviously thinking through all the scenarios and planning like he was in battle. "I think Edward should make himself available and answer what questions he can but let her know that he can't say anything without it being harmful to her. If she guesses vampire, well don't lie, but don't bring it up either. See if we can mislead her."

I didn't want to lie to Bella but I didn't want her to die because of me either. "Alice what do you see?"

"Nothing, everything is to in flux. Bella's all over the map and can't settle down. All of us are deciding things and changing our minds. Nothing is concrete enough for me to get a hold on right now."

"Do you see Bella saying something to someone?"

There was a pause. "I don't know. If we say nothing to her yes I think so. She is looking for stability and it was ripped away from her. I think she'll either run or talk to someone looking for help. If you talk to her I don't see her running and I don't think she'll talk."

So there it is. If I don't tell Bella more people will possibly die. If I tell Bella I may condemn her to death. "Carlisle what do you think?"

"I think we have to ride this out. Talk to Bella and see if you can calm her down. Use your judgment. If she ends up guessing then tell her the truth. Right now she needs that too. The fact is that with what she already knows and has observed the Volturi would consider her a threat. At this point finding out we're vampires I don't think will make a difference in how she would be dealt with, but going forward in how she deals with us will be determined by what is said tonight. I'm scared for her mental state with everything going on."

"I don't see her harming herself." Alice said. I breathed a sigh of relief over that.

"Fine, Bella is already home. I'll talk to her. Alice keep an eye on the conversation so if things go south you, Jasper or Carlisle can come help."

Everyone agreed and I hung up. I sat in my car for a few minutes collecting myself. I did not want to do this. Out of everything I could have predicted with this human girl, this conversation was not it. I was terrified that I was sealing her death notice and all I wanted to do was save her. How did things get so complicated?

I finally got out of the car and walked at a human pace to her house feeling like a dead man walking. I saw the light on and shuddered. It was time to talk to Bella.

* * *

An: So I know I have some awesomely observant readers that are going to ask why Alice didn't see some things. The first why did Alice not see that Eric was going to spike Bella's drink with the date rape drug? Alice is watching Bella's future. Bella will NEVER let _anyone_ touch her drink and will NEVER drink _anything_ that anyone gives her at a party. Eric's plan then would have failed. Edward of course doesn't know so goes postal on the guy, would have anyway, but that is why Alice didn't see. Why didn't she see Edward on the dance floor and the car accident? Well you will have to wait for the out take I am trying to get together from APOV to explain that ;)

Ronnie and Nissa thank you for talking me off the cliff. I get so wrapped up in silly things so thanks for dealing with me! Ronnie thanks for the awesome Beta skills and thinking through my plot better than I do, Nissa thanks for reading and making sure that things make sense and that I haven't lost all of my mind!

BethMasenCullen - here's your shout out!

This weeks rec: Hit By Destiny by odsmess. Wow if you like broken Bella and Edward this is a great story!

I own nothing but Twilight but the great reviews you give me!


	18. Reactions

**Chapter 18 – Reactions **

I stood outside Bella's house listening to her movements inside. She was showering and my mind immediately went to images of her in the shower with warm water cascading down her body. I groaned; this was not what I needed to be thinking about or focusing on. What kind of sick pervert was I? I started pacing around Bella's yard, thankful that she had no neighbors nearby to witness me, when it occurred to me that Alice was suppose to be keeping track of what was going on. I hoped she had enough discretion to not share my current issue with Bella showering with the rest of the family.

I almost sighed out loud when Bella finished her shower, until I had to listen to her getting dressed. I pushed all thoughts of what she was doing from my head and tried to hum a melody to drown out the noises going on inside.

Finally, Bella came downstairs and I straighten and stopped humming. I listened to her pacing in her house. She would sigh and mutter in obvious agitation. Maybe tonight wasn't the best time to go in and talk to her. Maybe giving her time to come to sorts would be better.

My phone rang and I groaned again. I didn't even want to look because I knew it was Alice. I ignored it and went to Bella's door. I took a deep breath and knocked.

Bella paused in her pacing and slowly came to the door. When she opened it she looked surprised to see me standing there. She just stood staring at me not saying a word.

I finally broke the silence. "Can I come in and talk to you for a minute?"

Bella cocked her head to the side considering me. I was finally learning Bella after observing her for so long. While her eyes were emotionless most of the time, there were flashes of emotions buried in them if you looked closely enough. Tonight they were not nearly as vacant as normal, a sign that the turmoil I caused was breaking her veneer and caused me to curse myself again for the monster that I am. Since Bella opened the door I saw fear, nervousness, curiosity and something else that I couldn't place flash across her chocolate eyes.

Bella considered me for a moment longer and nodded stepping back to let me come in. I walked in and sat on her couch on one end leaving her multiple places to sit, she chose to sit on the other end of the couch. We sat looking at each other, neither one wanting to say anything first.

Finally I let out a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair. "Bella, this isn't easy. I want you to know that. Something tells me that before you witnessed what you did tonight you already had your reservations about me and my family. I know that trust is a tenuous thing for you. None of us want to break what trust you've given us, but our not telling you the truth about us is not because we don't trust you. Rather, your knowledge could make your life forfeit and none of us want that. There are more powerful ones out there that ask that we keep our existence secret and consider anyone that knows a liability that needs to be killed. We have told you nothing because we know that if we did we would sign your death warrant."

Bella watched me the entire time I talked and when I was done looked away. I could practically hear the synapses firing in her head trying to figure out what I had said and what I didn't say. I left her in peace, as I knew that she needed time to come to grips with all of this on her own.

Finally she spoke. "And now? What happens now that I've see what I've seen?"

I sighed. Carlisle was right. She had already seen too much. I had already condemned her by saving her life. "Bella, I don't know. These others of my kind are not known for compassion or leniency. I don't know what will happen."

Bella simply nodded. The idea that someone was going to kill her didn't faze her at all. I couldn't grasp how much it hurt to know that she cared so little for her life. "Are you human?" she spoke with a quiver in her voice.

I shook my head.

Bella simply nodded and continued thinking. "Are you an angel?"

My eyes opened in shock! "No! An angel, how could you think that? No I'm not an angel."

Bella looked taken aback by my outburst. "I'm sorry."

I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. It wasn't this angel's fault that she tried to find the best in me, not knowing there was none. That was Bella. She seemed to find the best in people and focus on it. It's amazing she has the ability with whatever happened to her.

"Bella, no I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled, I just . . . you surprised me. What would make you think I was an angel?"

Bella blushed. I let the scent wash over me, teasing the monster inside that I vowed would never taste of her blood. "I just . . . well . . . never mind, it's silly."

I turned so I was facing her, imploring her. "Please tell me."

"Fine, your beauty is beyond human, god-like, your voice so soft and velvety was made to worship and praise, your strength and speed suited to protect mere mortals and the compassion that you've shown me is staggering."

I was floored. How Bella viewed me was ludicrous. I was a killer yet she seemed to not see any warnings; and again only saw the good, some of which she had to have imagined. I was no angel. "Bella, you humble me. But no, I am not an angel. That distinction goes to you, my dear."

Bella blushed again and was quiet thinking more. I was still floored that Bella thought so highly of me. After many minutes, Bella turned to me again. "Are you a super hero?"

"No Bella. I'm not the good guy. I'm the bad guy."

Bella's brows furrowed. "No you're not bad."

"Yes Bella I am."

Bella huffed and it was adorable to see her get so riled up about my honor. We again sat in silence for many more minutes. I looked at her gauging whether to ask this question or not but I needed to know how deep I was in it. "Can you tell me what you have observed? What you have noticed?"

Bella nodded. "First may I ask? When you say your family, does that mean that Alice, Emmett, Rose, Jasper, Carlisle and Esme are the same as you, are your family?"

I ran my heads through my hair some more. "We are all the same. We stick together and consider ourselves family though we are not genetically related."

Bella nodded again. "Beauty. You all have a beauty that is ethereal. It isn't common beauty but something more; it somehow draws you in while at the same time there is a need to stay away. You all have incredibly pale skin, more so then most in this rainy area. It almost glows or shimmers in its paleness. It's incredibly hard and cold, like nothing I've felt before.

"Your eyes are all the same. Usually there are dark purple smudges under them, making it seem like you are all tired but I don't think that's it. The color of your eyes themselves is noticeable. Both in their remarkable golden shade and that they change color. Sometimes your eyes are black and then I see one of you later and they are bright gold again and eventually fade back to black." She paused and looked at me. "That applies more to your family than you. Your eyes are almost always bright gold and never black.

"None of you eat. At least not human food. I've heard you say you are on a special diet but I have never seen Rose or Alice eat a thing even on overnight retreats. No matter how special the diet there has to be something provided that you can eat.

"Umm, knowledge. I have yet to witness something that you all don't know. No matter what subject is brought up, it seems that all of you quickly grasp it and can process it. I've never seen any of you study yet as far as I know you all are getting perfect grades. Plus it's almost like you can tell what going to happen, or you talk to each other in ways I can't hear or something. It's hard to explain but conversations seem to have undertones or nuances that are beyond what is being said."

I simply stared at her. Oh yes, Bella was an observant woman. She had enough suspicion that, even if she never said the word vampire, the Volturi would consider her a threat. At this point the semantics didn't matter. But I couldn't bring myself to actually say it. To utter the most vulgar word to her. To see the horror on her face when she knew what was sitting across from her.

"You are amazingly observant and correct in all you said."

Bella turned and looked around. Her eyes darting, her brain processing. Suddenly her eyes stilled, looking across the room at a book, the Anne Rice book she had been reading. I groaned. Yes, my dear angel had figured it out. I watched her pale. "Vampire" she whispered. I said nothing. There was no need. She knew the truth. "Are you going to kill me?"

"No!" I shouted. Bella jumped. "I'm sorry. No I will not kill you! Neither will anyone in my family." Bella tilted her head looking at me in confusion. I sighed. "Bella my family is different. We don't kill humans. We could. It's what we're made to do - kill humans; but we can't. Our conscience won't let us. We've made a vow to not do so. We sustain ourselves on the blood of animals. It is nowhere near as good or satisfying, but it is worth it to us. We are monsters but try to not live as such."

Bella got up and started pacing. Finally after multiple trips around her living room she looked at me. "I need some tea." She walked into her kitchen and started preparing the water. I followed and stood in the doorway watching her. I could see the lines on her face drawn in concentration and confusion. When her water was done she added it to a mug that had a mint tea bag inside then looked at me and went to sit back down on the couch. I followed. She sat stirring her tea with the bag and smelling it. I smiled a tiny smile at her watching her smell her tea, knowing that it was her way of trying to calm down.

Finally she spoke and I almost wished she hadn't. "Tonight, on the dance floor. What was that?" I turned from her, my jaw clenching my hands making fists. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean. Never mind."

"No, Bella. You're right. Tonight your scent overcame me and I wanted so badly to bite you. Bella you have to understand. We were meant to kill humans. Yes, I choose to live off of animal blood, but it never takes the fire from my throat. My throat always burns; it burns for human blood. Most of the time I'm in complete control but sometimes, sometimes the monster inside tries to come out, like tonight.

"Bella your blood is different than all other humans' to me. You're what is called my singer. Your blood sings out, calls to me, like no other. I'm drawn to the scent of your blood and at times the scent practically consumes me. Tonight that happened.

"You commented that my eyes are always golden where as my families eyes are golden and darken. That's what happens when we feed, they turn golden. My eyes have remained such because I feed every 2 or 3 days so that I can be near you and not harm you. My family feeds every 2 weeks so their eyes darken."

"Why? Why do you stay by me if it's so difficult? I'm sorry. I don't want you to suffer because of me."

I smiled at her. "Bella, it is the sweetest torture. I don't mind and I struggle with it because I like being around you. It's worth it to me to feed more often so that I can be by you. It's my choice and I'm happy with it. Please don't worry."

"But what about tonight? Can that happen again? What if next time you can't control yourself? Will you kill me?"

I sighed. "No, Bella I won't. While your blood draws me in your eyes hold all your humanity in them. One look in your eyes and I was in control again. I couldn't harm you. I left because I was embarrassed by what I had almost done and because I knew that I scared you. Bella I don't want you to fear me or my family. We mean you no harm."

Bella looked confused but said nothing more. Again there was silence as we both thought through what had been said. I was shocked at how well Bella was handling this all. She hadn't panicked once and seemed to take everything I said in stride, only caring how I was affected.

Bella's voice broke me out of my reverie. "These more powerful ones you spoke of, will they kill me?"

"I don't know." I whispered.

"Can we hold them off for a bit? Edward, I . . . " Bella let out a breath. "I need to do something yet. I can't die today. Can we delay this?"

"Bella no one knows right now except me and my family and we won't be telling anyone unless we have to. The vampires I am talking about are called the Volturi. They live in Italy and are the royalty of our world. Sometimes our coven helps them if there is something that comes up. Mostly it's just so they can keep tabs on us because for some reason they think we're a threat, which is ludicrous. None of us want to rule anything. Anyway, you are safe until one of us is called again which shouldn't be for a few years and hopefully by then we'll have a plan to keep you safe. Don't worry right now. Ok?"

Bella thought over that for a while longer. While she thought my mind processed what we could do to keep her safe from the Volturi. It seemed Bella's options were to either killer herself in a few months or die at the hands of the Volturi in a few years. There had to be another way. The fact that Bella would more than likely happily kill herself to save us any problems didn't make it easier.

Bella interrupted my thoughts again with a smile. "So tell me vampire boy, what secret talents do you all have? I know you have super speed and super strength, anything else I should know about?"

This girl was nothing but a shock to me. How could she be joking about me being a monster? I couldn't help but let out a relived chuckle. "Well there's the invisibility and x-ray vision." Bella's eyes almost popped out of her head. I laughed harder. "I'm joking! Well, we do have incredible hearing. I think when you mentioned that there were things going on in conversations that you didn't know about that would be part of it. We can talk below a human's hearing and sometimes do.

"We also have above human sense of smell. It comes in handy when hunting. We can smell our prey in the wilderness a few miles away.

"Practically a photographic memory. We forget nothing after we are changed. That sounds nice but since I was changed when I was 17, to lead a 'normal' life I have had to repeat high school more than 15 times. It is incredibly boring. At least in college I have a hope of learning something new now and then."

"That's cool. Is that it, not that that isn't a lot."

I hesitated. Should I tell her the rest? Why not she hadn't run yet. "That's standard for all vampires. Then some vampires have special abilities." I looked at her gauging what she would think of all of this. "Like me . . . I can read people's minds."

Bella paled and started shaking. "You can . . . can read . . . my mind!"

"NO! No I can't. I don't understand, but you have the only mind I have come across that I can't read. There's something different, I don't know what, but your thoughts are blocked from me."

I watched Bella process that. I hadn't anticipated her reaction, but I should have. Bella was so private; of course she wouldn't want someone reading her thoughts.

Once Bella had calmed down and her breathing and heart rate were normal, I continued. I figured that I would talk about Jasper next because I had a feeling there was going to be a battle once we got to Alice, but I refused to hide anything from Bella going forward. "Jasper can read anyone's emotions and manipulate them."

Bella looked confused for a bit. "Me too? Or am I different with him as well?"

Huh? I hadn't thought through that, was Bella different with just me? Jasper had no issues with Bella. Alice could see her future, though not clearly but that was because of Bella's mental state not because of an ability. "Yes Jasper can read your emotions and manipulate them."

"Has he?"

"Yes, he's calmed you down a few times."

Bella pursed her lips but simply nodded at that. What it must be like to find the people that you have finally become friends with have been lying and manipulating you. We were going to lose Bella and my heart was breaking just thinking about it.

"Is that it, is there more?"

"Alice." My phone rang. I opened it looking at Bella. "Wait for me I am less than a minute away." I closed my phone. "Alice will be here in a minute."

Bella looked at me and got up. She walked to the window and looked out, the whole time picking, at her cuffs in agitation. I could hear Alice coming and Jasper was with her. "Alice and Jasper are almost here." I don't know if Bella heard me.

Alice came in the front door with Jasper behind her. "Bella?" Alice asked hesitantly. "Come here, talk to me." Alice held out her hand and Bella hesitated for a bit and took it. Alice dragged her to the couch and sat with Bella between us. "Bella I need you to listen to me and not panic." Bella nodded. "I can see the future of people based on decisions they make. Yes, I know you plan on killing yourself; but no I don't know why." Alice left her statement hang out there.

Bella turned and looked at me then shot up and started pacing again. After 2 turns around the living room she stopped and glared at Jasper. "Do NOT try to calm me down!"

Jasper held his hands up in surrender. "Wasn't even gonna try darlin'."

Bella snorted and continued pacing. Finally she stopped and looked at Alice. I couldn't read the expression in her eyes. "You've only been my friend because you are worried I'm going to kill myself. You've lied to me and hidden what you are the whole time, pitying me, and dragged your family into it?"

Alice wanted to cry and Jasper came over and placed a hand on her shoulder. "No Bella. That's not it. Please. It's not."

"I need to leave. I wanted to be somewhere, where no one knew my name and I didn't have to question why people talked to me. Now I find out that the people I have been spending the most time with all know and pity me. I can't do this. I don't care if you don't know they why's now; you will soon enough, I'm sure." Bella turned to go upstairs.

I couldn't take this anymore. With my vampire speed I was in front of Bella before she could take a step. I place my hands on her arms to keep her where she was. "No one pities you. That's not why we're your friends. Yes, Alice knows you want to take you life. She asked me to talk to you, hoping I could read your mind to find out why. When I couldn't I could have left you alone, but I didn't. Neither did Alice. Neither did any of my family. We want to help you, but more than that we like you as a person. Bella, you're good people and we like you. Don't leave now just because we know more than you planned on us knowing. Have any of us pried for information? Have we hounded you to learn more? Or have we been your friend?"

I saw the struggle in Bella. The dual needs of trying to protect herself from perceived threats and wanting to have friends and talk to someone. Bella started shaking; she was trying too hard to hold it together. She looked back at Alice, her heart in her eyes trying to decided what to do.

Alice got off the couch and came to her wrapping Bella in her arms. "Please Bella. We just want to be your friend. Nothing less, nothing more. Think about it. Ok? Can I have your phone? I want to put our numbers in it. If you want to talk call one of us, ok? We'll let you be right now to think and process. I know it's a lot to take in, but please don't leave. You're the first human friend I've ever had. Everyone else is scared of us and stays at a distance. Please just think about it. We won't make you say anything you don't want to." Bella nodded and handed Alice her phone to type in all of our numbers. When she was done she quickly called us all so that we had her number.

Jasper stared at Bella the whole time. "You know, running won't get your anywhere. At least here you have friends that care and aren't pestering you. Do you really want to go back to being all alone?"

Bella took a deep breath and held it for over a minute. She said nothing, but continued to watch Jasper. It was like she was trying to read his mind and pick out what he was not saying along with what he was.

I turned Bella to look at me. "Listen. We're going to go now, let you think and make your decision. Please Bella. Don't leave. We don't pity you and we'll not ask for more than you can give." I tried to keep the panic from my voice at the thought of her leaving. She didn't know it, but I would follow her. I would make sure she was ok wherever she went. I would protect her. I lightly brushed the back of my hand across her check reveling in the surge that went through my fingers at her touch. "Call me if you want to talk and I'll be here. I won't call you, but I may text to make sure you're ok. Please, I know you will want to talk to someone, but if you tell anyone you will only put their life in danger as well. I'm sorry."

Bella simply nodded and we turned and left. Leaving her that night was the hardest thing I have ever done.

* * *

So what did you think of Bella's reaction? I hope you liked it.

I also have an out take of Alice's POV for the the last two chapters posted in the out take story.

I have out fits posted for last chapter on my profile (sorry they're late I forgot to tell you last week)

For those that contributed to Haiti relief I would LOVE a PM or something telling me what you think about Bella and her meeting of Edward! I haven't gotten my compliation yet but hopefully today, there was a lot of work for them to do!

Thank you to Ronnie for her Beta skills, I swear I will learn what a comma and semi-colon are for, and to Nissa for reading through to make sure I haven't lost my mind totally.

Thank you to all my awesome reviewers. I love my reviews and talking to each one of you. Teasers for next week in each reply.


	19. The Deal

**Chapter 19 – The Deal **

When I walked out Bella's door I went straight to _my_ tree to watch over her. Alice and Jasper were there waiting for me. We watched Bella slowly grab her now cold cup of tea and bring it to the kitchen. She stood for a minute and then went upstairs and threw herself down on her bed with one arm behind her head and one on her stomach. She just lay there, staring at the ceiling not moving, barely blinking.

I glanced at Jasper. "What's she feeling?"

Jasper shook his head. "Nothing really man."

"What do you mean nothing? She obviously has feelings or is she blocking you like she does me?"

Jasper paused."No, nothing like that, I don't think. More it's a defense mechanism. She's overloaded right now and can't deal so she's withdrawn to a place where she doesn't have to deal with anything."

"Like she's catatonic?"

"No, not exactly; though, that is an extreme example of it. I'm sure she's responsive if you went in there and shook her. For now she's just not here but in a place where she can feel safe and shut out the world. My guess is her mind is either basically clear right now and she has shut off all her thoughts, as much as she can; or she's almost dreamlike thinking of a different place, a different time, when she didn't have the worries that are always surrounding her. Edward, you know it's not uncommon for someone that went through a traumatic experience to end up in almost a coma while their mind processes and deals. What Bella's doing right now is a mild version of that. She needs to process, but first she has to get past the overload of information and feelings.

"She was hit with a lot tonight and she isn't exactly emotionally or mentally in a place of stability to begin with. This is gonna take time for her to work through. The fact that she didn't shut down when we were there and saved it until we left is a good thing. It means that she can cope with reality and isn't so far gone that stress, even the immense amount she was under tonight, takes her out of the picture completely. Give her a few days and I think she'll be ok."

I simply nodded. "Alice do you see how long this will take?"

I ignored Jasper who was wondering why he even bothered talking if I was going to keep bugging them about it. "No, it isn't a conscience decision, at least not right now. Like Jasper said she needs to heal from everything we threw at her tonight. I think what scares me though is that she wasn't mad about the vampire information but that she hates me because she thinks I pity her."

Jasper grabbed Alice and held her. "Sugar that's not true. Bella was overwhelmed and finally just needed to break. Honestly she was taking things to well. I was worried for her. I was glad to see her show such emotion. She should've with what she learned. She doesn't hate you, she's angry and confused. Who could hate you, sugar?"

Alice sighed and stayed in Jasper's arms. I hoped he was right. It really was too much for Bella to have to deal with. We threw so much at her. She learned that the people she was closest to, that she let into her house, were monsters. That we knew one of her most prized secrets and she thought that we pitied her. If she only knew how far that was from the truth. I didn't pity her. I was amazed at her and her strength.

I continued to watch Bella all night. She never moved. She just lay on her bed staring at the ceiling. Sometimes she would take a deep breath, but otherwise, there was no change. Alice and Jasper left soon after we had talked so that they could be alone and Jasper could offer Alice some more comfort.

Finally at eight in the morning Bella moved. She turned her head and blinked a few times and tried to sit up. It was obvious that she was incredibly sore from having stayed in the same position for hours. Once she worked a few of the kinks out, she walked downstairs and made herself some tea. It was drizzling this morning, so she took her tea to the den and sat on her big overstuffed chair and drank it. When sitting for a while she suddenly said "Vampires" and shook her head. I waited, hoping she would say more, but she never did. I looked at her as closely as I could and I didn't see fear or hatred in her eyes. They were still vacant but what little emotion came through looked like confusion.

When Bella was done with her tea she went to change clothes and pulled on tennis shoes. She grabbed a bottle of water and headed out from her house. I got in my car to follow her. She drove for a while and pulled up to Alki Beach got out and started walking. There was some drift wood piled up so I figured I could follow her without her seeing me.

I watched her walk aimlessly along the beach. Sometimes bending and throwing a rock in the water or kicking the sand. She seemed to have no destination in mind, just wondering. After an hour, she sat down in the sand where she was and brought her knees to her chest and stared at the waves crashing in. I could tell that she wasn't like last night. She would pick at the cuffs on her wrists, or play with her hair and her face had expression cross it as her thoughts veered in different directions. I again contemplated what I would give up to be able to read her thoughts.

The morning was dragging on into the afternoon and still she sat. I watched emotions cross Bella's face, always wondering what exactly was behind each one. Finally at 3 in the afternoon I could take it no longer. I texted her.

Have you eaten today? You need to. – E

I heard Bella's phone chime with my text. She looked at it and I saw her eyes roll.

Are you keeping track of me now? – B

No, just worried about your health – E

Bella sighed and shook her head, but she did get up and brush her pants off and slowly walked back down the beach. I again followed her and when she left the beach I was happy to see her stop at a sandwich shop and get a sandwich and soup. I laughed when I got her text.

Yes I ate, are you happy ;) – B

For now; take care of yourself Bella – E

I watched Bella read the text I sent and a faint smile crossed her face before again she frowned. I ran my hands through my hair. Why did I always feel like I was going in reverse with this girl? I needed a break. I decided to let Bella have peace for the rest of the day and I drove home ignoring the worry that something would happen to her if I wasn't there.

I got home and tried to distract myself with my family. Carlisle assured me that we would watch over Bella and would figure something out so that the Volturi didn't harm her. This would be a priority for him - to come up with something, but since we didn't plan on worrying over it for a few years he wasn't too panicked.

I went downstairs and found Emmett playing _Super Smash Brothers_ on the Wii. Video games were not my thing normally but I needed a distraction, so I asked to play. Emmett was surprised but excited that someone wanted to play with him. Honestly he was like a 3 year old that hated to play games alone. I played for over an hour but got bored, I could read every move Emmett was going to make and counter them all; this was not a distraction but a lesson in stupidity.

I left Emmett and walked into the music room and sat at my piano for a few minutes before I began playing. It brought me a measure of peace but I was still agitated not knowing if Bella was ok or what she would decide to do with all that she'd learned.

Esme found me and sat on the bench next to me, waiting for me to finish playing. When I did she laid her hand gently on my shoulder. "Edward you did nothing wrong. From all that Bella said she already suspected something was going on. She was going to lose faith in you eventually thinking you were hiding from her. It's better that she found out now and not when she was in deeper with all of us. The burden to keep this would have grown and consumed you."

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. "I know. I just wish it didn't have to be like this. I wish I could read her thoughts and know what was going on in her head. I wish I knew what her decision was so that I could live with it or convince her that we don't pity her."

"She's broken dear. This would be a lot for someone to take in, but with her trust issues it's huge. Let her find peace and acceptance. From the sound of it, the idea that we will learn more about her than she wants us to is a major fear. Maybe you can convince her that we won't use any knowledge we gain to convince her to do anything she doesn't want to."

I looked at Esme and smiled. "Does Bella seem like she is easy to convince of anything?"

Esme laughed. "No she seems incredibly stubborn. Reminds me of someone else I know." She nudged me on my shoulder.

I simply nodded. I did tend to be hard headed. I slowly continued to play my piano trying to get all of my frustration out, but it wasn't working. I needed something else, something physical. I got up and went to find Emmett. I think some wrestling was in order.

I found him still playing video games. I snorted loudly. "Pansy, playing video games and beating up on little computer characters because he can't beat up real people." I said this with as much condensation in my tone as I could so I could get him riled.

It worked. He turned quickly and looked at me. "Are you suggesting that you could take me out little emo boy?"

"Bring it!"

Emmett got up to rush me, but before he could take a step Esme called out. "Take it outside! You are not breaking anything in here!"

I turned and ran out the back door with Emmett on my heels. I could hear his thoughts and those of my family's, shocked that I was instigating a wrestling match with Emmett. I never did this. Normally I avoided doing games like this, finding them too predictable with my being able to read my opponents mind; but today I just needed to focus on something and Emmett trying to kill me seemed like a good way to distract myself.

When we got into the back yard I slowed and saw that Emmett was not going to and at the last second I sidestepped him so that he went flying past me. My family came out of the house to watch us go at it. I could hear Alice's tinkling laugh and tried to see if I could get any clues as to what was going to happen, but she was focused on the here and now so I wouldn't have the advantage of her visions.

Emmett turned back and got in a fighting stance. I knew if I wanted to last for any length of time I needed to avoid him getting his hands on me. If he did, I knew I would be in trouble. Emmett was huge and had strength that far surpassed that of most vampires. I kept a close watch on his thoughts and read what his plans of action would be and stayed one step out of his reach the entire time. He was getting frustrated and started calling out taunts to distract me. I simply laughed and taunted right back.

I was so focused on Emmett and staying ahead of him that I didn't notice that Jasper decided to join the fray. I was twisting out of Emmett's reach planning on going left to see if I could get him to knock into a tree by accident, when Jasper jumped on my back pinning me down.

Emmett, who did over shot and hit the tree, soon turned and saw that Jasper had joined and hooted. "Yeah baby, let's get this party started."

I flipped Jasper off of me and then had to contend with both of my brothers. They were working as a team to take me out and it was almost impossible to stay ahead of both of them. Jasper was doing everything he could to not make any decision so that I couldn't read in his head what he was planning on doing.

Finally the pair caught me and punched me in the arm. I got up and we started again. After they pinned me 5 times, Carlisle came over and said that it was time to even things up a bit.

"Whatever old man, Let us young'uns teach you a thing or two." Emmett was all swagger and talk.

Carlisle laughed and all four of us soon were at it. The fighting slowly morphed from Emmett and Jasper against Carlisle and me to every man for himself, and more often than not we all ended up in a pile up tackling each other at the same time.

We were laughing and having a blast. I don't think I had ever had so much fun with my family. I don't think I had ever laughed so much at any time either. I was happy and my desire to be distracted worked. I hadn't thought of Bella at all during the time.

Finally we stopped fighting and I was surprised to see that it was after nightfall. Normally I keep a perfect internal clock and was always aware of the time, but this afternoon I had stopped with the internal clock and just let go. It felt great but now it was time to go see Bella again. I needed to make sure she was ok. I took a quick shower, cleaning off all the mud from wrestling, and got dressed before I headed over to her house.

I was in much lighter and more optimistic spirits on my way to her house. I drove there with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. How I wish that I could share this with Bella and bring her lightness and joy. Something told me that it had been more than 2 years since she had felt that and an angel like her should feel that all the time.

When I got to her house I saw that Bella was finishing up a meal. I was happy to see that she ate. I pulled out my phone and checked her daily sheet and saw that Alice added in chicken, rice and vegetables for her dinner. I nodded to myself; it was a healthy meal but certainly not packed in calories, which she needed as well. When she was done cleaning up I saw her pull her phone out. A few minutes later I got a text. Opening my phone, smiling, I saw it was indeed from Bella.

Sure you are checking but I ate – B

Good I'm glad – E

My heart leapt knowing that Bella wasn't so mad that she wasn't speaking to me. I watched her that night. She did her normal routine but was distracted. Often she would stop what she was doing and look off to the side and ponder for a bit before continuing on. I also noticed her pursing her lips often, so I assume she wasn't happy with all that she was thinking about. Her dreams were particularly vibrant that night and she woke screaming loudly and it took her a long while for her to calm down to go back to sleep.

I followed Bella to church that morning. I sat in my car for 10 minutes trying to decide if I should go in or not. Finally my need to just be by her overwhelmed everything else and I walked in and sat down next to her. She looked at me and didn't say anything. I simply smiled at her and looked back toward the alter, my way of letting her know that I was not going to intrude on her during service.

When communion came she got up and looked at me as I remained seated. She cocked her head and walked up to get communion. After she sat she looked at me. "You don't take communion?"

"No, communion is for those that can be forgiven."

Bella's eyes widened. "God can forgive anything."

I looked at Bella. I did not want to say thing. I didn't want to reveal this piece of information. "You can't be forgiven if you no longer have a soul."

Bella stared in my eyes. Looking so deeply I swear she saw inside of me. She finally took a deep breath. "You have a soul, and it's beautiful." She said no more and looked to the alter herself not knowing that her words rocked me to the core of my being.

She told me I had a soul. A beautiful one. I couldn't have a soul. I lost my soul when I changed. I had to have. The monster in me couldn't live with a soul. But this angel disagreed. If she believed I had a soul could she be right? No, it wasn't possible. She didn't know the horrors in my past and it was not something I looked forward to telling her.

Service was over, I had been so lost in my thoughts I missed the end and didn't' notice until I saw people standing and walking out. I stood up and my eyes locked with Bella. I watched so much flash in the back of her eyes, eyes that were abnormally vibrant for her. I couldn't read all the changes in emotions, but I'm sure they reflected what was going on with me - fear, uncertainty, sadness, anger, and hope. I wanted to tell her it would be ok, that things would work out, but I couldn't tell her that as I didn't know myself that things would work out. So I simply gave her a small smile and left.

When Bella got home she pulled out school work and spent most of the afternoon working diligently on it. I wondered why someone that was so set on ending her life worked so hard on school when she didn't plan on being here to finish it. Truly Bella didn't make sense.

She got a phone call from her friends and she chatted for quite a while. She steered the conversation away from herself, and anytime her past was brought up, she quickly changed the subject. I was happy that she didn't say anything about us or what had happened that weekend. I knew that she wouldn't tell anyone about us, but I was happy to witness the reality. I knew that Bella would do anything to keep her friends from being hurt.

When she got done talking to them she snorted "I wonder if the meddlesome pixie saw that." Her brow furrowed and suddenly her eyes lit up. I could see the gears turning in her head and she smiled. What was she thinking?

My phone rang and I wondered what Emmett could want. "What's going on over there? Bella has Alice pissed! I don't know what she decided, but Alice is fit to be tied."

I could hear Alice ranting in the back ground "How dare she do this. It's not fair! I mean how can I protect her? There's no way I will find a way around this."

"What did Bella decided that has Alice so mad?"

Emmett laughed. "I have no clue brother. She just started shrieking and hasn't stopped. She won't answer anyone questions and Jazz can't get her to calm down. I mean I don't think Bella's in danger, but I think it's good the pixie isn't near her right now!"

"I'll kill her myself. This is not fair or right. How could she do this to me?" Alice was still going on.

"Let me know if she stops ranting and tells us what's happening."

"Will do, my brother, will do. And you keep Bella safe; I can't wait to see what this is all about!"

I closed my phone and looked at the cause of the mayhem at my house. She looked so innocent. I had to admit Emmett was right; I'd never heard Alice so wound up. I wonder what Bella had going on in that devious mind of hers and secretly I thought it was great that she had my sister so mad. From the sound of it, it wasn't something that I needed to worry about, like she was leaving; but something else. I hoped that means that she would be talking to us.

Suddenly I stopped. Would that be it? Was Alice so mad because Bella was going to stay here and not be friends with us? Alice liked Bella immensely so was that what had her so mad? The thought of Bella being here but avoiding us made me mad. Did she think we would let her just ignore us? While we were champions at blending into society we were also a force to be reckoned with and she had to know that we wouldn't let her just walk away and ignore us. Didn't she?

I sighed, running my hands through my hair. I wasn't use to being on the outside looking in trying to get answers. Normally I had those answers as soon as someone thought them. This time though I needed to wait for it all to come out. I was finding that I was not someone who had patience. It was not something I needed to learn or develop, I always knew the end game, so waiting wasn't difficult; but this not knowing was killing me.

That night Bella slept and again called out my name in her dreams. What was she dreaming? Was I another nightmare come to terrorize her? The vampire monster to kill her before her time? But somehow I didn't think that was it. She didn't scream my name in fear, only called it out in the stillness and continued sleeping when she was done.

When morning came I went home. Today I decided to change quickly and find Bella at school. I couldn't wait for lunch to talk to her. Since my morning was off, I sat outside Bella's first class waiting for her to get done. I knew that she had an hour break and I was hoping to get a chance to get information from her.

When she came out and saw me standing there she stopped and her eyes widened. "Edward?"

I smiled at her. "I was hoping to catch you and see how you were doing? I don't know what happened but something you did, or plan to do has Alice upset." I winked at her so she knew it wasn't mad.

Bella's eyes twinkled a bit and a small devious smile came to her lips. "Yeah she already cornered me this morning. Listen I'll tell you what I told her; can you meet me tonight? I don't think we should talk at school and I just want to talk to you all. Is that ok?"

I walked closer to her and took her hand in mine. "Bella, anything you want is ok. I just hope you're staying." I listened to her heart accelerate and her eyes went unfocused as I looked in them. This was new. I didn't know what had her so dazed so I lightly squeezed her hand. "Are you ok?"

Bella blinked a few times. "Yeah sorry. I'm fine. Just come over later and we'll all talk. Can you tell the others? I don't plan on going to the quad today. I think it would just be easier if we waited until later."

"That's fine Bella. I'll tell everyone. Can we come over at 7:00?"

Bella simply nodded and squeezed my hand for a split second before she dropped it and walked away. I was conflicted. I think I decided that was my new mantra; it seemed every time I was near Bella a new conflict came up in me. Right now I was ecstatic that it seemed she was staying, not only that, she wanted to see us all. I was scared for what she wanted to talk to us about and feared that she wanted us to leave her alone. I was longing for her. My hand burned from her touch and I wanted it again.

I called Esme and told her the plan for tonight and she said she would contact Carlisle.

I had nothing to do for the next 3 hours before my class started so I took the time to go to the library to get the source material I would need for upcoming classes and papers. I knew everything I needed but wanted to have some current periodicals to source along with older reading material I had.

I entered the quad during lunch and saw Rose and Emmett at a table together alone. "Where's Alice and Jasper?" I asked.

"Alice is still fuming and Jasper took her off to get some loving or something to try and calm her down, because she's still mad and wound up. Where's Bella?"

"Alice hasn't let out what has her so mad? Bella's not taking lunch here today. She wants to see us all tonight to talk. She doesn't want to talk here."

Rose smiled. "Well she's smart if nothing else. I can't wait to find out what has Alice pissed. I've never seen her this upset. But it doesn't seem serious either."

Emmett laughed. "I have no clue what Bella has planned but I love it no matter what it is."

I smiled. Something told me that tonight would be interesting.

When my last class was done I went home. I figured that we should go over as a family since Bella asked us all to come. I went to my closet to find something to wear. What do you wear for a meeting like this?

Alice called up to me. "It doesn't matter what you wear!"

At that point I looked in Alice's thoughts and my jaw dropped! "Alice she isn't going to ask that! Is she?"

"YES! Now leave me alone so I can find a way out of it."

I started laughing and couldn't stop. I totally got why Alice was so upset now. This made complete sense and while I did see the disadvantage and would try and talk Bella out of it I gave the girl props for being inventive.

Emmett ran upstairs and threw my door open so hard he put a hole in the wall. "What's she gonna ask?"

Alice growled down stairs. I could barely get a breath in to answer I was laughing so hard. "Can't tell . . . oh my gosh . . . I can't believe . . . this is classic!"

Emmett came over and hit me in the shoulder, hard. "Stop laughing and share!"

"Nope I'm letting Bella tell you all this piece of news."

"Oh MAN!" Emmett left pouting.

At 6:45 we all got into different cars and went to Bella's house, all of us were quiet my family trying to figure out what Bella was going to say and why Alice was so upset. We got there and Carlisle knocked on the door. Bella opened it and welcomed us in. Everyone sat down but I stayed standing watching Bella. I wanted to see where she would go so I could stay by her.

Bella just stood against the wall and smiled tentatively. "Umm. Hi. I'm sorry if this seems melodramatic, bringing you all here. I just thought it would be easier to talk together and in a place where others wouldn't hear."

Carlisle spoke for everyone. "Bella we thank you that you're willing to talk to us and your discretion is greatly appreciated. Thank you. Have you decided if you're staying or not?"

Bella looked around at everyone. Her eyes seemed to linger when they looked at me. "Yes I'm staying. I really don't have it in me to move again right now. I considered just staying and not talking to any of you." Again she looked at me. "But I don't think that's something that's right either. So I have a proposition?"

Alice huffed. Carlisle looked at her. "Tell us Bella. We can be reasonable." Alice huffed again.

Bella looked down at the floor and pulled at her cuffs. "I don't want Alice watching my future at all anymore."

Bella's statement was met by stunned silence. I listened to the incredulity of my family processing Bella asking Alice to not look at her future. They were shocked and knew exactly why Alice was so upset. She relied on her gift for everything and honestly I, nor any of my family, could picture her functioning without it. Alice was hurt and scared at the prospect of not being able to look out for Bella and honestly I was too.

Emmett was the first to break out of his silence and came over and grabbed Bella up in a huge hug lifting her off the ground and turned around. "Bella I love you! This is great! Can I come live with you now? I mean if Alice can't look into your future then she can't look at me when I'm with you so can I live here so I can be out of her pixie eye too?"

Bella's eyes were huge. "Emmett please put me down."

I watched Bella whose heart rate was racing and breathing was shallow. Rose came up and smacked Emmett on the head. "Idiot! Don't molest her! Are you ok Bella?"

Bella kept breathing and didn't move for a few minutes as her heart rate slowly went down. "Yeah, I'm ok. Sorry Em, I'm not use to being lifted like that."

Alice huffed yet again. "Well I could have stopped him if I had been able to look in your future. I would have seen it and prevented it but since you want to be left alone, I can't help you! It may seem like no big deal but Bella I can help protect you from things." I saw where Alice planned on going and went to stop her but she cut me off. _No Edward, she needs to know what is going on and what I can help prevent._ "Bella people might try to hurt you. You know the Beta party on Friday. Well Eric was going to try and slip you a roofie. If you don't let me watch your future I can't prevent things like that."

Bella's eyes shot to Alice and she paled and sunk to the floor pulling her knees to her chest. "What do you mean? Eric was going to slip me . . . no."

I glared at Alice and knelt down next to Bella. "Bella. Angel, look at me. Nothing happened. Alice didn't even see it happening. I heard his thoughts and prevented it. We won't let anyone hurt you. Bella really though, you might want to reconsider, Alice can prevent things from happening to you. Let her make sure you're ok. Please."

Carlisle came over. He was getting concerned with Bella's heart rate and she was no longer responding to what I was saying. "Jasper!"

Jasper also came over and placed a hand on her shoulder and sent as much calm towards her as he could. Bella was fully hyperventilating at this point. I pushed Carlisle out of my way and reached behind her head and held her neck gently in one hand and grabbed her hand in my other, placing it on my chest. I took deep breaths and tried to get Bella to look in my eyes as I said in and out with each of my breaths.

Finally she started to calm down. Jasper kept a hand on her, helping, and slowly she focused on my eyes and started to try to breathe with me. As she started calming her breaths, I kept telling her how good she was doing and how proud I was of her and how wonderful she was. When she had control of herself again she looked around and blushed, clearly embarrassed by what happened. "Are you ok now?" I needed to hear her say she was, just reading her body's cues wasn't enough.

Bella nodded. "I think so. I'm sorry everyone. I just . . . that threw me." She turned to me. "Umm thanks for not letting him hurt me."

"Bella I won't let anyone hurt you if I can prevent it. Alice looking to the future though is a major help in preventing things. Please let her help and keep track of you."

Bella looked at Alice and considered what I said. "Alice I think you mean well and that you're looking to help me, but no, I can't have you looking in my future. If that means that something happens, so be it, but I can't have you know. I'm sorry." Bella hugged her knees and put her head down. My hand felt empty from her letting go and I missed the warmth that I had when holding hers.

Alice came over and hugged her the best she could "Bella, it's ok. I want to protect you; I want to help you; but I want to be your friend, and if you'll stay and this is what you need, then I'll do it. I promise. Just know that sometimes I can't stop visions from coming but I will no longer actively look. Ok."

Bella looked up and hugged Alice. "Thanks. I know I'm asking a lot, but I'm just not ready for you all to know. I can't deal with that. I'm sorry. Maybe someday, but for now, I just can't."

Esme spoke up. "Bella you have nothing to apologize for. Dear if you want your privacy that is your business and no one here will take it from you. But know that we aren't the enemy and want to help you and be by you. If you need something, even just a shoulder to cry on, call. Please, I don't like that you are here alone if we can't watch out for you."

Bella looked at Esme. "I'll be ok. I promise." She took a deep breath and unfolded herself. "Thanks that you aren't pushing me. I know you must all be scared I'll say something, but I won't. No one will hear a thing about you from me. I promise."

Carlisle smiled. "I never doubted it Bella. Listen we have intruded on our welcome enough. Please come visit soon, and call Esme now and then so she doesn't worry over you. Ok?"

Bella nodded and got up and walked us to the door. She thanked everyone as they left. I was the last one at the door. Bella looked at me and smiled slightly. "Thank you Edward, for talking to me, for telling me, and mostly, for protecting me."

I raised my hand to her cheek and rubbed it softly back and forth. "I promise Bella, I will protect you from everything that I can."

Bella leaned in slightly putting pressure on the hand on her cheek. "Thank you."

* * *

AN: A huge thanks to My Beta, Ronnie, for beta'ing this while sick. you truly do rock my world girl!!!

Thanks to NissaCullen for pre-reading and pointing out the rough edges that needed fixing.

Thanks to scarletappy for the inside info on so many things for me!

My Rec this week: A Rough Start by ItzMegan73. This is an awesome story with a blue collar Edward trying to make it work with his brand new 5 year old son that he never knew about.

Please review. Last week I hit a record! Thanks sooooooo much. I love to hear your thoughts and questions!!!!!


	20. Abiding Friend or Soulless Monster?

**Chapter 20 – Abiding Friend or Soulless Monster? **

Tuesday found me in the quad with my family waiting for Bella. I was hoping that everything would be "normal" and there would be no hesitancy on Bella's part. Alice was upset that she couldn't use her gift to know how Bella would handle this first public meeting of all of us and truth be told, I was upset as well.

The night before Bella had slept . . . well. She had only one nightmare that awakened her and had a few that she slept through. For her that was a pleasant night sleep. Three times she called out my name and once she asked me please. My curiosity was peaked. What could this angel be asking me for in her sleep? I wished again that I could just read her mind to know what was going on in there.

Bella came in the quad and saw all 5 of us sitting crammed at her table. She took a deep breath and smiled at us, coming over grabbing the last chair. I had argued that putting her in the corner surrounded by 5 predators was not a good idea but Rose stepped in saying that Bella always sat in the corner and felt more secure with 2 walls behind her and to not argue. I gave in and was happy to see that Rose seemed to be correct and that Bella wasn't intimidated being surrounded by us. She really was a strange girl. No one I had ever known would willingly be cornered by 5 vampires.

Bella sat. "Hi all, is there a reason you're all sitting here? Not that I mind, but this is new. I'm use to Emma over here," she said winking at Emmett. "and of course Alice and sometimes Edward, but not all of you at once."

Emmett spoke up. "Well Belly Button, I think we're all just happy you didn't freak on us last night. Plus it's nice to hang with someone at lunch that isn't watching for us to eat. Speaking of which, you better eat or Eddie boy over there will get his undies in a twist. "

Bella looked at me. "Your undies twist that easily?"

Emmett boomed out a laugh. "You have no idea."

I rolled my eyes. "Ignore him. Please. Can I get you something to eat though? I'm not sure what you would like or I would have gotten you something already."

Alice snorted. "Well I would have been happy to tell you what she would have gotten. Oh, wait, I'm not allowed to!"

Bella suppressed a giggle. "Pookie, I think that the pixies undies are twisted, not Edward's."

Emmett laughed again. "Too true Belly, too true. I'm serious about the moving in part. Can I? I promise to behave. The idea of no Alice peeking is awesome."

Bella looked at Rose. "Is he capable of behaving?"

Rose laughed. "No, he's not!"

Emmett pouted. "Rosie, why you gotta be like that!"

"Well I have to tell Bella the truth. Besides baby, you misbehave in the most wonderful ways." They started kissing and Rose slid onto Emmett lap.

I nudged Bella gently. "Don't mind them. They're like this all the time. Do you want to go get lunch now so you don't have to watch?"

"Yeah sure. I just hope they're done when we get back or I might get sick." Bella laughed lightly. I looked closely at her and her eyes weren't as vacant or void as usual. There was a small light or spark in them. She truly was beautiful when her eyes shone.

I got up and followed Bella to a deli like area where she ordered a turkey sandwich, some chips and water. Again I was happy that she was eating healthy but there were so few calories in what she was eating. She needed something to put the weight on that she lost 2 weeks ago, not to mention how underweight she already was at that point.

"Do you want something to go with your meal? A dessert? They have some cookies and brownies over there." I said pointing to a display a few feet away.

Bella looked and shook her head. "No I'm good, but thank you."

I sighed. "Bella you need some more calories. Is there something more you could get?"

Bella looked down at what was in her hands and then looked up at me. She almost looked lost. I didn't understand what was going on. "I'm sorry."

"Bella what are you sorry for? You've nothing to be sorry for."

Bella took a deep breath and shook her head. "It's nothing. Never mind. I'll go grab a brownie, is that ok?" She looked at me with such sad eyes, wanting to know if what she said was ok by me and if I was accepting of her. It broke my dead heart to see her so upset.

"Bella it's fine. I'm just worried about you. That's all. If you don't want a brownie, you don't have to have one. You just have lost so much weight and I'm worried. I'm not forcing you to do anything." I slowly reached out and brushed her cheek. She closed her eyes and took another deep breath.

"No, you're right. I'll go get a brownie." She attempted a smile, that fell short, and went and grabbed a brownie, I couldn't decide if this was a battle won or lost. While I was pleased she was eating something with higher calories, I also didn't like making her feel forced to do something she didn't want to do.

_Edward, you did the right thing. She needs to eat more and someone's gotta tell her. I know it's hard but she needs people that are watching out for her and pushing her to make herself better at times. She needs to eat, don't beat yourself up._ I smirked. Jasper hated my self-deprecating moods and tried to pull me out of them often. Plus he was right; Bella needed to eat more and someone had to convince her to do so. I hadn't noticed that he had been paying attention to what I was doing with Bella, though I don't know why I didn't expect it. Jasper had a soft spot for Bella and was concerned for her well being and mental state. I know he wanted to do more; but was scared of slipping, and biting her, if he got too close.

Bella paid for her lunch and we walked back to the table together where Rose and Emmett were still going at it. "Seriously? You two are still going at it? Do I need to put a no sex sign at the table?" Bella said winking at Emmett as he turned to look at her.

"Bella we aren't having sex yet, but if you want us to we can." Emmett said waggling his eyebrows.

Bella blanched and Rose hit Emmett on the head. "Ignore him Bella. He thinks he's cute and charming"

"I am cute and charming."

I snorted, Alice rolled her eyes, Jasper cringed and Bella . . . Bella giggled. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I decided then and there to make her laugh more often. I wasn't alone in noticing Bella's response. My family and I endeavored to keep lunch light and were blessed with 4 more chuckles from Bella before she had to go to class.

When I finished class that day I decided to hunt before sociology that night. I had been dealing with the burn and desire for Bella's blood better but there were still times when she blushed or threw her hair back that I was unexpectedly almost overwhelmed with her scent.

That night on the way to class I decided to stop and get something for Bella. I hoped she wouldn't be upset, but I really wanted to get some more calories in her; and also, I just wanted to do something nice for her. So I stopped for the coffee she had drunk the day I talked to her about Jessica. I thought of adding a bakery item as well but didn't want to push my luck.

Bella and Alice were already seated when I got to class. I was holding the coffee cup and Bella looked up and me and raised her eyebrows. I didn't need to read her mind to know she was wondering why I was walking around with a cup of coffee. I held it out to her, suddenly feeling sheepish and hoped she wouldn't be upset. "Here, I just, I thought you might like a coffee since it's a night class and all. I wouldn't want you to fall asleep or anything."

Bella looked at me and blushed. "Thank you Edward." She took the cup tentatively and smelled it looking shocked. She took a sip and smiled. "My favorite, how did you know?"

I sat down next to her. "I remembered from when we went to the coffee house together." She gave me a look trying to figure out how I knew possibly? "I have perfect memory; I heard you order it and I could smell it also." I shrugged since the whole concept was normal to me.

Bella's eyebrows rose. "There's no keeping secrets from you guys is there?"

Alice growled and I winked at her knowing she was still mad about the not being able to look into Bella's future. "It's hard to keep secrets with us. Though since I have never been able to read you, and now you've incapacitated the pixie next to you, you probably are the only person in the world capable of keeping a secret from us." I turned my full attention on her so she would know I was serious. "Bella, we won't pry. If you ever want to talk, we're all here for you; but until then we'll let you be to figure out what you need to. Just please don't do anything rash; that's all I ask. Please."

Bella took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Nothing rash, I promise"

Dr. Merrill came in then and started class. Bella took a few minutes before she focused on the lecture but once she did she gave it her full attention. I spent the entire lecture watching Bella; she was infinitely more interesting than a sociology 101 class that I had taken 13 times already. Not that Dr. Merrill didn't know what she was talking about, she just couldn't hold my interest like the angel next to me.

When class was over I offered to walk Bella to her car as I had on other Tuesday nights. She gave me a smile and we walked out together. "What do you think of the class?

Bella looked at me and shrugged. "It's alright. It's interesting to see things from a wider perspective. What do you think of it?"

I just shrugged and Bella gave me a look. "It's ok, I've taken sociology 101 many times now. At this point I could teach the class."

"That must get boring."

I gave a derisive laugh. "You have no idea. But if it means that I get to be out in the open and around people instead of living like a nomad then I guess it's worth it. Repeating high school is much worse. At least in college I have a hope of learning something new; plus, with the exception of frat parties, the people we're around are more mature. You have no idea what it's like to sit through high school listening to the droll thoughts of hormonal teenagers. "

Bella laughed and kept laughing. "I'm sorry Edward. But you just seem so, so uptight to be listening to hormonal teenagers. I can't even imagine the things you've heard in their minds!"

I groaned. "You have no idea. And trust me, it's not funny." I pretended to give her a severe look but it obviously failed when she started laughing again. I couldn't help the smile that tugged the corners of my mouth up seeing her so happy, even if it was at my expense. "Laugh all you want. I can deal with you taking pleasure in my pain." I pretended to cry.

"Oh poor boy. I somehow think that you'll make it through." We had reached her car by this point and I opened the door for her to get in.

"Yes, I will survive but you wouldn't be laughing if you heard half the things I have. I think the teenagers in the world should be locked up in mental institutions!"

Bella laughed again. "I don't doubt you Edward. Thanks for walking me to my car. I'll see you tomorrow?"

I smiled, "Yes you will."

Bella got in her car. I softly closed the door for her and watched as she drove away. I smiled to myself as I got in my car and followed Bella to her house. I couldn't remember a night when I had laughed and joked like I had with Bella tonight. There really was something about being around a human and letting my human emotions take over for a while. Plus the silence of her head and not knowing the punch line before she spoke it, almost made me forget what I was for a moment, and let me think I was a human.

When I got to Bella's house she was sitting at her kitchen table studying. She certainly was a disciplined creature. Much more so than most college kids I knew.

After she had studied for an hour she started to make some brownies. As she was mixing I got a call from Alice. "Hello Alice."

"Edward, make sure you're home by sunrise it won't be cloudy tomorrow and you need to get home. Also I want to talk to you about something so see me when you get back." Alice hung up before I could say anything.

Wait, it would be sunny tomorrow. That meant that I couldn't go to school or follow Bella to make sure she was ok. Alice wouldn't be tracking her future so we'd be left in the dark as to what was going on with her. I did not like this. I did not like this at all.

I tried to think of the best approach to let Bella know that I would be texting her tomorrow a lot to keep track of her. It was after eleven so I didn't want to knock on her door. I decided to call her.

I saw her glance toward her phone in confusion when it rang, she picked it up and looked at the display and looked even more puzzled when she saw it was me. "Hello?"

"Hello Bella, I needed to talk to you for a minute. I'm sorry for calling so late."

"That's ok Edward. What's up?"

I blew out a breath trying to decide the best way to explain and finally figured a straight forward approach was best. "Tomorrow my family and I won't be at school. I just wanted to let you know, and to tell you that I'll probably be texting you to make sure you're ok since Alice won't be able to check on you."

There was a pause. "Why won't you be in school and why are you going to check on me? I'll be fine, I always am."

"Tomorrow will be sunny; we can't be seen in the sunlight so we'll all be staying home. As for checking on you, I just . . . I worry that you're ok. I don't have any other human friends so I want to make sure the one I have is safe. Is that ok?" I was suddenly unsure if I was pushing too much or taking liberties calling her a friend and I shouldn't.

"Yeah, it's ok, I guess. Umm, will you be ok tomorrow? I mean you die if you get caught in the sun right?"

I chuckled. "No Bella, I don't die if I go in the sun. It's hard to explain but the sun reveals us for what we are, inhuman; so we just need to stay hidden. Normally it's not a big deal, but I don't like you being at school with none of us there and I wanted to give you a heads up so you weren't looking for us or anything."

Bella thought for a second. "Ok, well thanks. I promise I'll be ok though; I'll look both ways before crossing the street and everything." I could hear the humor in her voice and see it in the smile she had on her face as I watched her speaking..

"Good, I wouldn't want you to get hit by a car. Listen if anything happens or you need one of us, just call ok. We'll figure something out."

"Thanks Edward, but I'm sure nothing will happen. I'll be fine but thanks for letting me know you won't be at school tomorrow. Tell Emma Bear one of these days I'll let him visit to get away from Alice, as long as he isn't here having sex with Rose the whole time!"

I laughed, "Well then I better come along to keep them in line, once they get started it's hard to stop them!"

"Ok sounds fair. Hope you can all come back to school soon. Thanks for calling."

"No problem Bella, Bye."

"Bye."

I watched her hang up and there was a smile on her face as she stood in place for a full minute. Then she danced over to keep mixing her brownies.

That night I watched Bella closer than I ever had trying to keep her image in my mind knowing that I wouldn't see her tomorrow at all. I was worried for her and didn't want to focus on that what ifs, but just see her relaxed in sleep listening to her talk about silly nonsensical things. Honestly her dreams sounded amazing and I wish I could glimpse them.

I picked apart each feature on her. While I would never be able to forget a single feature with my vampire memory, I had never truly looked at each feature to catalog them. I had never focused on how her upper lip was slightly fuller than her bottom one, or how when she slept she always had one hand on her pillow sometimes rubbing it.

Just before sunrise I left my angel and drove home. As soon as I got there I went upstairs hearing that Alice was in my room waiting for me.

_Ok, don't panic but we need to cover this and I'm gonna say it fast so that we both don't die of embarrassment. I know that since being around Bella you have found yourself having certain physical reactions to her that you can't control. _At this point I know if I was human I would be blushing redder than Bella ever has. This certainly was not a conversation I planned on having with Alice. _I know it embarrasses you and you don't want Bella seeing, well none of us want to see, but that's beside the point. I was thinking that if we got you some tight underwear and you wore loose fitting pants that it would help mask your issue. _At that point Alice gave me an image of skimpy bikini like tight underwear and I almost passed out, if it were possible for a vampire to do so. Alice saw the look on my face and laughed. _Yeah I didn't think so but I had to try, anyway seriously what about something more like this. _I was then greeted with an image of tight fitting boxers that would cover me. This whole conversation was blowing me away so I simply nodded at her hoping she would leave.

Thankfully she did, however I could hear her laughing the entire way downstairs. The more I thought on it though, the more sense it made. As vampires we didn't need to wear underwear really and usually didn't. We didn't have issues with leakage or secretions that humans did, nor did we have jiggly issues with parts jumping about. The only time we bothered with underwear was if a human would know; we didn't go to gym class commando. Normally I wore normal boxers not really caring what my underwear looked like, but Alice had a great idea. Something form fitting underneath and something baggy on top would help to disguise any erections I might have in the future.

Oh my word. I was worried about underwear. What was happening to me? If Emmett found out about this I would never hear the end of it. I groaned hoping that Alice was discreet about the whole thing.

I spent the day flitting around finding nothing to occupy my thoughts for long. I was constantly distracted by wondering what Bella was doing and if she was ok. I had taken to texting her often throughout the day until she finally told me to stop or she would ask Emmett to come sit on me and have Jasper make me feel amorous toward Emmett. I was finding that Bella was an inventive person with a vivid imagination and her quick wit kept me vastly amused.

Finally the sun had set and I ran from my house, listening to the sighs of relief from my family. I had been annoying them all day with my muttering and worrying. Jasper, in particular, was frustrated with all the emotions I kept projecting and was happy to see me go so he could get relief from the angst I was shelling out.

Finally I was at Bella's house and seeing her for the first time in hours. She was at her table with Ben, Angela and Jacob eating dinner. I watched Bella interact with them, or more I should say not interact with them. Her eyes were dull and void again and the few times she spoke she was quiet and her smiles were small. This was nothing like how she had been the day before when she'd been around my family in the quad. I knew Bella was hesitant with others but I never appreciated how much so until this moment. Seeing her with her friends that she had known for months, she was so quiet and reserved. It might have been mistaken as aloofness or snobbery but her rapid heart rate told the true tale, she was scared.

Towards the end of the meal Ben was making a point in a story and put his hand on Bella's arm. She jumped back so quickly her chair fell over and she started to have a panic attack again. I felt helpless watching knowing there was nothing I could do.

But there was. I quickly ran to the front of Bella's house and knocked on the door. Jacob opened the door slightly and when he saw it was me he opened it more. His thoughts were in a panic over Bella and what was going on. He knew I was a friend of hers so figured it was ok to let me in.

"What's up Jacob?" I asked hoping that my fears weren't showing through. I didn't want to have to talk to this human. I wanted to go to Bella, but I couldn't just rush in.

"I- I-I'm not sure. Bella's having a panic attack or something. I don't know what's going on. You can come in I guess; maybe we should call a doctor." He turned from me. "Ben, should we call a doctor?"

"Don't worry, let me go look; she had a panic attack Monday night. Let me see if I can help otherwise I'll call my uncle, who's a doctor, to come help." I had been monitoring Ben and Angela's thoughts and saw that Bella was getting close to passing out. I just wanted to get in there to help her.

I went in the kitchen and lay down on the floor in front of Bella. I did the same thing as Monday night, I placed one hand on the back of her neck and grabbed her other hand pressing it against my chest and I started my exaggerated breathing chanting in and out as I went. As soon as I touched her I felt the current that was always present in her touch run between us and I heard her heart stutter a few beats so she had to know I was there. Now I just needed to get her out of the memories and thoughts in her head and bring her back to us in the present. I felt eternity pass, though it was in reality 14 minutes, before Bella's eyes started to focus on me and she started to make a concerted effort to breathe with me. Finally she got to the point where she was able to control herself and breathe normally.

"Edward, what are you doing here?" She whispered.

I smiled at her and moved the hand that was on her neck to her cheek and brushed it lightly. "Just looking out for angels in distress. Are you ok now?"

Bella nodded then looked up at the others in the room. I had largely been trying to block their thoughts as I tried to calm Bella. Now that my focus was directed back to them I heard their shock and worry over Bella and their confusion on whether we were together as a couple. I internally rolled my eyes.

Bella and I slowly stood up. I kept her hand in mine. "Sorry guys, I apologize for ruining dinner. I'm really sorry." Bella looked down at the ground.

Angela looked at Ben and took a step forward reaching her hand out to Bella, worried about upsetting her again. "Bella it's ok. Are _you_ ok?"

Bella saw Angela's hand and took it in her own, the one I wasn't still holding, and gave it a squeeze. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just . . . "Bella looked off unsure of what to say for an explanation.

"No worries Bella. Ben has the same affect on me too. Nothing to explain!" Jacob said in a forced light tone and gave Bella a wink. He really wanted to understand what happened but didn't think pushing Bella into another panic attack was the way to go. I was grateful to him for joking and setting Bella slightly at ease over the whole thing.

The others left shortly after while I stayed to talk to Bella for a minute. "Listen I don't want to push you, but I'm confused. What happened tonight? I don't want to put you in a position for it to happen again ok?"

Bella looked down and nodded slightly. "I just, I don't do well with people, with guys, touching me. Ben touched my arm and I wasn't expecting it and it just shook me. Normally if I'm expecting it I can deal better. I'm sorry."

I sighed. "Bella you don't have to apologize. You did nothing wrong. Can I ask though, I've touched you, last night Emmett picked you up unexpectedly and you haven't reacted like that, why?"

Bella looked up at me and the anguish in her eyes almost brought me to my knees. "I don't know. I don't understand it. I just . . . I don't have the same fear with you that I do with others. For the first time in a long time when I'm with all of you, I feel almost normal . . . I can forget for a while who I am . . . what I am."

I paused, thinking through all that she had said and not said. "Bella are you sure you want to keep Alice from searching your future? She could help prevent things like this from happening."

Bella started trembling and I placed a hand lightly on her shoulder. "Edward, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just lost." She was shaking so badly I didn't know if she would be able to keep standing so I lead her to the couch and let her sit down. I took one of her little hands in mine and rubbed my thumb gently over the top.

"Is this ok?" I asked looking at our hands.

Bella furrowed her brow and looked at me. "Yeah . . . I guess so."

I nodded. "Ok tell me, what are you confused by?"

Bella looked off to the side and avoided my eyes. "I feel bad. I don't like giving Alice an ultimatum and I don't want her to hate me or hurt her feelings. On one hand I would love to have the security of someone preventing something like what happened tonight. I _hate_ that I act like that. I hate that I'm barely human; that I can't handle touch."

"But, Edward," Bella paused and looked at me. "I can't talk about my past. I don't want to talk about it; I just want to forget it right now. I know there is enough going on in my future that Alice will learn what happened, what I did, and I just can't deal with that. You'll all turn from me and I don't want that. I'm just not ready."

I squeezed her hand lightly. "Bella, Alice isn't mad, ok she's mad, but not at you. She isn't use to not knowing everything and honestly it's probably a good thing for her to learn what it's like to not know it all. Plus you're the first human to be a friend with us and Alice is worried over you.

"As for talking to us about your past, Bella, if you can't do that now it's ok. I don't know what happened, but I know it affected you deeply. I want you to tell me, but when you're ready, ok? I won't push you and if I ever do something that scares you tell me. Promise."

Bella attempted to smile. "Ok I promise. Thank you Edward. You all don't know how much it means that you treat me like a normal person. I haven't had that in a long time."

"Well I think we think you're a bit better than normal. Heck you've made friends with a coven of vampires. That's something none of us are use to, so we thank you." I winked at her and she smiled a bit bigger than before.

Soon after I left, Bella went to bed. I'm sure her panic attack had worn her out. I called and spoke to Jasper about what had happened. We had a quick telephone conference with everyone and Jasper threw out that it was more than possible that Bella had suffered some kind of long term abuse. I asked how that would have factored into two different "anniversaries" days apart that cause so many issues. Jasper reiterated that Bella always suffered from immense guilt and that it could be a situation where she tried to break out of the abuse and because of it someone, maybe other family members ended up dying. It didn't take long before we all figured we didn't have enough to go on but that we would keep looking. Alice also assured me that she would talk to Bella and let her know that she didn't hate her.

Thursday was a cloudy day and I looked forward to spending time with Bella at lunch and talking to her. It never ceased to amaze me how intriguing a conversation was with her around and me not being able to pick out what she was going to say before she said it. Talking to her was constant surprises for me.

As lunch passed and the time went on Bella didn't come to the quad. I started worrying and was going to ask Alice to look and see where she was when I remembered that Alice couldn't do that. I took out my phone and texted her.

Where are you? – E

At the hospital visiting – B

I growled. Of course how did I forget that Bella left right after class on Thursdays to visit the kids in the hospital? I was so intent on seeing her that I let my normal memory get pushed back. So here I sat, another day with no Bella and nothing to do but go to class.

Jasper piped in then "Oh for crying out loud. You're all worried and depressed again. Edward! This girl has lived for 21 years and made it through, she'll be fine, but I can't take all this emotion coming off of you!"

I sighed, I knew he was right, I needed to calm down but it was hard not knowing if Bella was ok or if she was hurt in any way. I knew I could logically argue that there was no reason to worry, but I would feel better if I could see for myself that she was fine.

After my last class of the day I found myself outside Bella's house again waiting for her to come home so I could see her and make sure with my own eyes that she was fine. Of course she was, and the feeling of peace that came over me when I saw her walk in the house was astounding. My eyes roamed her features looking for any scrapes or indications that she was anything other than as good as I had seen her this morning. Of course there was nothing. She was fine.

I watched Bella make a stir fry that night. She amazed me as she quickly cut all the vegetables as she sang to _Miss Saigon_. Listening to her singing as a prostitute was interesting. She was so innocent but could make her voice raspy and seductive. My pants tightened and I looked down seeing that Alice was more than right. I needed something to help prevent the tenting I got from being around Bella before she saw and freaked out.

It happened so suddenly there was no way to prepare. Bella sliced down on a carrot and hit her finger instead. I saw the crimson nectar flow out of her finger and smelled the ambrosia from my perch in my tree. The monster that was never truly sleeping when Bella was around raged out, breaking free of the cage I tried to keep him in. With one hand I grabbed on to the tree to keep myself still and with the other I reach out trying to get to Bella, knowing her blood would sooth the burn in my throat like no other. I wanted, no I _needed_ her, and I needed her now! The conflict inside me, of wanting to kill Bella and wanting to protect her, raged and I was helpless to know which side would win, I didn't even know which side I wanted to win.

Bella oblivious to the life and death battle going on outside her window was busy cleaning her finger under water in her sink and I growled watching her blood being washed away, blood that I could drink, that I needed to be complete and she was washing it away, wasting it. I growled again, louder, Bella looked out her window into her back yard searching for what was causing the noise she had obviously heard from me.

As she looked out I saw her eyes, deep pools of sadness and fear and I knew. I knew the monster wouldn't win. I could not harm this angel. I had been holding my breath from the first instant that she cut her finger, and with no more thought I ran. I ran from her and from the temptation and from myself. I would not harm this girl; I couldn't. She deserved so much better than to be around someone like me, a monster.

I kept running avoiding all humans as I went; I needed to be alone, to not think, to remember the monster I was. I could pretend I was a human; I could live among them, but I was and always would be a monster. Bella was wrong I had no soul.

When I finally stopped running, I was in Canada, in the middle of a forest where there was nothing to tempt me. I sat and thought. What would I do? Bella had done nothing wrong, she was cooking and the knife slipped, and because of that I almost took her life. I was a danger to her. Could I, in good conscience, stay in her presence when my being near her was such a danger to her? But could I stay away? Could I live this limited existence without the daily joy and wonder that Bella invoked in me? She had changed me, her humanity had brought out mine and I didn't want to give that up.

I sat alone until morning trying to decide if I gave into my selfishness and stayed by her, knowing that I my presence would always be a danger to her, or did I do the selfless thing and let her be without me?

My phone rang. "Hello Alice."

"Edward, what's going on? I decided to take a quick peak to see how you were doing and I see you're in Canada? What's going on? Is Bella ok?"

"Barely."

"Edward! What happened?"

My self-disgust couldn't be kept out of my voice. "Bella was cooking; she was innocent, doing nothing wrong and she cut herself. Alice, I almost killed her tonight. The smell of her blood flowing was almost too much. I don't know what to do."

"Come home, talk to Carlisle, maybe he can help. Edward, please don't leave I don't think Bella could take it. She needs you, please."

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Yeah, tell him I'll be there as soon as I can." I ran home hoping that Carlisle had wisdom to somehow make this all right, to give me a way to cage the monster so Bella wouldn't suffer for what I was.

I got home and noticed that Carlisle was alone. I figured my siblings were at school but I wondered where Esme was. Carlisle was in his study reading an article about long term abuse, PTSD and treatment options. I was happy that Carlisle had embraced Bella so closely and wanted to work with and help her.

I ran up the stairs and stood outside the door of his study until he told me to come in. He turned from his computer and looked at me. _Tell me what happened ._I explained to him exactly what happened, what my struggle was and how I eventually found it within myself to leave when I looked and saw Bella's eyes. Carlisle remained silent and focused on my words, letting them flow through his mind not focusing on anything else.

Finally when I was done he pondered all I had said. _Now you are thinking of leaving?_

I nodded. "I don't want to be responsible for her death. Carlisle, she did nothing wrong, but the monster inside of me didn't care. She's innocent; she shouldn't suffer because of what I am."

_Do you want to leave?_

I stood up in frustration. "NO! I don't. I want to stay, but why should my want be more important than her life? Am I so selfish that I would do that, put her in danger, just because of what I want?"

_But you didn't harm her, did you? You were able to stop. Is this the first time that you have been close to losing control?_

"No" I was ashamed. "There have been other times, other instances."

_What stopped you then?_

I whispered. "Her eyes. When I look in her eyes it always stops the monster, I can't look in them and let him harm her."

Carlisle nodded at me.

"What if someday it isn't enough?"

_Does looking in her eyes get easier or harder the more you know of her?_

I could see he already knew the answer but I vocalized it anyway. "Her eyes draw me in more each time I see her. I can't see the pain in her eyes and I know that I could cause her more."

Carlisle nodded again. _So do you think you really could lose control with her? I'm not saying that you aren't tempted. I can't even imagine how you deal with being around your singer, and having her bleed in front you and remaining in control of yourself enough to leave. Edward you're not giving yourself credit. I think you can do this. May I ask something?_ I nodded for him to continue _Have you been around her yet when she's menstruated? How have you dealt with that?_

How had I not thought of this? When women menstruated it upped the temptation but not nearly to the level of their normal blood. Menstrual blood after all was dead blood cells so they weren't as sweet smelling as normal blood but they definitely made the woman more tempting than when she wasn't menstruating. I could barely deal with Bella now, how would I deal with her then? "No she hasn't menstruated yet since I've been here. I don't know what I'll do when she does."

Carlisle thought how I had known Bella for a month now and that her cycle must be off if she hadn't menstruated or she simply was too thin and didn't have enough body fat to allow her to have a cycle. Now I had to decide if I wanted her to gain back her weight. Of course I wanted her to be healthy but she was already too tempting as it was.

_Edward Edward, I know this is a lot. You've no idea how proud I am with you and how you're doing, I understand if it's too much and you need to leave but you also know you don't need to do this alone right? I'm here for you and so are the others. Next time you're overwhelmed call us before you get to Canada._

I nodded. He was right. I knew my family would always be there for me. I wasn't use to asking for help or depending on anyone, but if it meant I could stay then I would do what I needed to, even swallow my pride and ask for help.

I got up to leave. I needed to change and get to at least a few classes today. "Where's Esme?" It was unusual for her to be gone when Carlisle was around.

Carlisle smiled. _She's off grocery shopping. Alice plans on inviting Bella over this weekend and Esme wanted to stock the kitchen._

My eyes shot up. Bella was coming here? I didn't know what I thought of that. Part of me was happy; part of me was nervous; most of me excited. What would Bella be like at our house? I couldn't wait to find out, to let her see a piece of me and my family and how we really were. What would she think about us in our natural environment where we didn't hide who we were?

* * *

Ronnie! Thank you. Everyone you don't know how many edits she had this chapter!!! ggrrr she deserves a cookies, a hug, a HUGE shout OUT!!!!

Next Ronnie, Nissa, Bob, Jersey thank you for talking me down last week when I was ready to pull the story and scream!

I know I forget to add it to most chapters but you all do know that I don't own Twilight or SM's world and I am just playing there but this is my story so please don't steal it!

Rec this week: All Cried Out by Hannah81. This is an angsty story but on Twilighted (T'd) we are having a HUGE discussion and I am addicted to it!

Leave a review Please!!! I can't believe how many people are now reading my story. Thanks to you all! Did you expect that Edward had been commando the whole first 20 chapters of the story!!! Gives you something to think and dream about huh????


	21. A Day at the Cullen's

**Chapter 21 – A Day at the Cullen's**

It was Saturday morning and I was knocking on Bella's door with a cup of coffee to bring her to our house for the day. I had never felt as human as I did now. My emotions were fluctuating all over the place - nerves, excitement, fear, trepidation, joy, hope, and even sadness. We had never had just one human in our house before, and never one that knew what we were. The only humans that ever came over were occasional dinner guests from the hospital that Carlisle invited over. He did so as rarely as he could get away with and still maintain a polite respected façade. No one ever stayed more than four hours.

But today, today Bella was coming for the entire day. She was coming and none of us needed to pretend when she was there. We didn't have to move as a slow pace; we didn't have to remember to fidget so that our unusual stillness wasn't notice; we could be what we were and Bella could be part of it.

Bella opened her door dressed in jeans and a long sleeved shirt. Fall was settling in and the days were slowly getting cooler. I held up the cup of coffee towards Bella and she blushed and whispered a quiet thanks. I directed her to my car with a hand on the small of her back and noted her small shiver. I held the car door open for her and she gave me a small smile.

When I got in my car Bella looked at me. "Can I ask you something?"

I started the car, and while looking at her I backed out of her driveway and started driving down the road. "You can ask me anything." I said as sincerely as I could.

"Umm first can you look at the road!" Bella practically shouted.

I laughed. "Bella I promise I won't get in an accident. I can drive the entire way with my eyes closed and never so much as cross the line."

Bella blanched, "Please don't do that. I'd really like to see you watch the road."

I laughed again. "Ok Bella, I'll watch the road just for you. Now what did you want to ask?"

Bella was watching me and the road, obviously still worried that I would try to drive with my eyes closed. She glanced at me again and I raised my eyebrow in question to her. "Oh yeah, um. . . can I ask, how old are you?"

I sighed. Here was the conundrum, I wanted to share everything with Bella, purge myself and let a human, this beautiful angel that wasn't repulsed by what I was or the monster within me, see me. Yet, I knew there would come a time when something would be too much and she could no longer deal with it. I had wondered since she found out and said she would stay what the tipping point would be. What would make her realize that we were all monsters dressed in sheep's clothing?

Bella stuttered out. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I just, I don't know if I'm being rude, I guess . . . I just . . . I'll stop. I'm sorry."

I groaned. My insecurities made her feel bad. Could I be more of a cad? "No Bella, you've done nothing wrong and I told you to ask me anything. I just don't know how you are going to take my answers to some things; that's all." I glanced at her and she nodded. "I was born in 1901 and turned when I was 17 in 1918. Does that help answer your question?" I could see Bella doing the math in her head of how old I was. There was no disgust or fear in her eyes only curiosity.

"So you'll always be a teenager?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'll never age past where I was when I was turned."

Bella nodded. "Thanks." She smiled at me.

I looked at her and she seemed so content. How could she think I would deny her anything if ti allowed me to see her looking like she did right now? "Was there a specific reason for your asking?" I smelled the blood run to her face so I knew she was blushing again. Surprisingly I was dealing with it better than I thought I would in the enclosed space of the car. I credited it to our conversation. I was so focused on her as a human and not a meal that the burn wasn't taking over. It was there and hurt, but wasn't overpowering. When I glanced at her or heard her sweet voice, I found I could control myself better. The fact that I had feasted like a gluttonous pig last night helped as well; I was still uncomfortably full and felt the blood sloshing in my stomach. "I'm sorry, it just seemed like you had a specific reason for asking."

Bella blushed harder. "It sounds stupid. Never mind."

"Please tell me."

Bella huffed a breath out. "You're such a gentleman all the time. So conscientious and I just wondered if it came from a past time. That's all."

I nodded, "Yes, I came from a time when boys were raised to court women and hold them in high esteem. Don't get me wrong I believe in equal pay for equal work but when I hold a door for a lady it's not because I don't think she's capable or too delicate to do so. It's because I want to, because I think she's better than something so maudlin and trite." I snorted. "In all my years on Earth I've learned that the fairer sex is far from weak. The difference between how I act, and how people in the early 1900's acted, is that I choose who I hold doors for. I don't think that just anyone is worth the gesture. Take Jessica, with her bitterness and vile disregard for others, I don't feel the need to do even the smallest gesture for her. My kindhearted mother would most assuredly be disappointed to know; but to me, respect and regard must be earned, or I should say it can be lost. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt; but since I can read the thoughts of those around me, it isn't hard for me to know if a person is worth the bother."

Bella simply nodded and looked out the window. What was she thinking? Was she upset with what I had said? It was the truth; though I didn't tell her it had been years since I bothered to care enough what was in any girl's head to determine if I should hold a door for one or not.

We made it to my house and I saw Bella's eyes open wide taking it in. I looked at it and tried to decide how it must look to her, as an outsider. It was much bigger than Bella's house, then again there were seven full grown adults living here. I liked the house. Every house we lived in was different depending on the mood that Esme was in; some were classical, some architectural art, others very modern. This house was a mesh of modern with a splash of classical thrown in. There were windows everywhere and each bedroom had its own balcony.

I parked and got out at a normal vampire pace and went to Bella's side of the car to open her door before she even registered I had moved. She blinked at me in shock. I laughed again. "Welcome to our world. Bella. This is the one place we don't have to hide what we are. I hope that's ok with you?" I held my hand out for her to take and she tentatively placed hers in mine, smiling.

"Yeah, be whoever you are; I think I can handle it."

I took note of where everyone was. Esme was in the kitchen making a cup of tea for Bella, hoping it would relax her; Alice and Rose were in Alice's room putting the finishing touches on some make-up and skin cleaners they planned on subjecting Bella to later; and the guys were all in the front room playing the Wii.

We walked in the front door and I placed my hand on Bella's back once again guiding her and she once again shivered, I didn't understand as my hand was barely touching her and it was through her shirt, there was no reason such a brief touch should chill her like it did or send her heart racing.

When we turned to the front room, Jasper and Carlisle got up and stood with smiles on their face; Emmett threw down the remote and looked at Bella smiling. "Bella! We've been waiting for you!"

Bella screamed and backed up against me. She turned quickly seeing me and I placed my hands on her arms to steady her and she screamed louder. The room stopped, minus Bella's screams. My sisters had flown down the stairs and were watching and Esme stood in the doorway from the kitchen. We were all at a loss having no clue what was going on. Bella backed away from me and walked herself back against the wall until she hit a corner and dropped to the floor pulling her knees into her. At this point she was hyperventilating and kept saying, "Please don't hurt me" over and over.

Rose watched and took in the entire scene and spoke vehemently in a decibel that Bella couldn't hear. "What the hell were you thinking? We all know Bella freaks out around men and here you bring her into a house of vampires and lead her to a room where there are 3 huge males and one behind her. No wonder she can't deal."

Everyone's thoughts were upset. Emmett was tearing at his hair thinking this was his fault. Carlisle was shaking his head knowing Rose was right and being in a room with 4 males would set her off and he felt guilty that he didn't think of that. "Everyone out expect Esme and Edward. I'll go to my study to keep track; the rest of you go hunt for a bit or something."

Everyone cleared out and Esme and I were left with a Bella who was still screaming and panicked. I started speaking softly, just loud enough for her to hear over her screams, words of calm and peace. I knew at this point the words themselves weren't as important as the tone. Esme watched and slowly started approaching Bella, also speaking so Bella knew she was there. It didn't seem that our words were having any affect and Bella's breathing was becoming more labored. I kept watching, willing her to calm down, not knowing what to do. Finally her eyes found mine and the terror and fear in them literally brought me to my knees. I looked away unable to see the pain any longer. "What happened to you?" I asked not meaning to say it out loud.

"They killed me." She strangled out with a hoarse voice and then she passed out. I caught her before she could hit the ground. I was a mess. What did she mean? Was she ok? What should we do?

I heard Esme call out for Carlisle and he was by us in a flash placing a hand on my arm in reassurance. _It's ok Edward, she's going to be ok. _He continued out loud so Esme could hear. "It's probably better that she hyperventilated to the point of passing out. I was wondering if she would need to be sedated. Something triggered and she needs to have a mental time out, for lack of a better way of defining it. She'll come to in a little bit when her mind has gotten past whatever nightmare she was dealing with. For now let's get her comfortable."

I nodded and reached down and picked her up. "Carlisle? She's so small, I knew she had lost weight but right now, fully dressed she isn't even 90 pounds! We have to do something." Carlisle's mind was in a whirlwind of what they could do and what Bella needed and what was the greatest priority.

I carried Bella to our couch and sat holding her in my arms, just feeling her slight weight on me and the heat coming off her body helped calm my fears. She would be ok; I would make her ok. I looked at Carlisle for answers. He was on the phone telling Jasper what happened and informing them that they should all come home.

Esme looked at me. "Are you ok? Do you want me to take her?" I growled. Esme threw her hands up. "I was just making sure. I know it has to be difficult for you to be holding her like that; that's all I meant."

I sighed pulling Bella ever so slightly closer, conscious of exactly how much pressure I was putting on her human body so I didn't crush it. "I know Esme. I'm sorry. It's ok though; I'm ok." Surprisingly ,I was. I had been so concerned with Bella being ok that I had put the burning in my throat in the back of my mind. I wouldn't hurt someone lying unconscious in my arms broken.

As I held her against me I slowly rubbed her back needing to reassure her, even though she wasn't awake, that she was ok. I became aware of bumps that were long scars across much of her back. I was tempted to lift the back of her shirt to see better but refused to violate her that way. What had she suffered and for how long?

My family filtered back in the house, coming into the front room and stood in a circle around me holding Bella, I made close note of her breathing and heart rate. The last thing she needed to do was wake up with everyone surrounding her, staring.

Carlisle told them exactly what happened and what Bella had said. I wrestled with myself about revealing the scars I was feeling on her back but decided that the more information we had the better. "She also has some scars on her back." Six pairs of eyes looked at me and I could hear their thoughts about I knew. I rolled my eyes. "I'm holding her right now and I can feel them." I continued to rub her back. "They're thick and go across from mid back to past the waistband on her pants." I concentrated and horror dawned on me when I figured out what it was I was feeling. I whispered. "She was whipped. Repeatedly."

Esme started choking and was crying, Carlisle held her up as she started to collapse. Alice grabbed on to Jasper for support and Emmett fell to the ground with Rose crawling on his lap. "Who would do that to someone so sweet?" Esme asked the room, knowing there was no answer, at least not one that we knew right now.

I asked if someone could get me a blanket; I didn't want Bella to freeze against my body that couldn't generate heat, only take hers. Alice ran upstairs and brought the blanket from off her bed down, I tucked it around Bella trying to not jostle her any more than necessary.

We started talking about what would happen when Bella woke up. Jasper explained that she might not remember very much, if anything, that lead up to the panic attack itself and that pushing at this point would only led to another attack. Carlisle started talking and debating what they should to do push Bella forward. Jasper and Carlisle debated what was more important to tackle first. Jasper felt if they could address her mental issues the physical would fall into place. Carlisle argued that her body was too weak to take anymore strain that dealing with the mental issues would entail. Finally they agreed to push her physical wellbeing first, hoping they could then get her to move to a better mental place in time.

Everyone stayed in the front room. Emmett had turned the TV on to add background noise, but no one was really watching the action movie that was on. Finally, three hours and fifty-two minutes after Bella passed out her heart rate started to speed up a bit and her breathing accelerated, Bella was waking up. Esme sat next to me on the couch to be there when Bella awakened. Rose and Alice went to Alice's room to wait to come down and get Bella; Emmett went to his room to play a video game; Carlisle to his study to do more research on options to get Bella to gain more weight; and Jasper stood against the wall out of sight from Bella in case she needed his calming effects.

Bella's eyes fluttered open. She sat still, as her eyes looked around, confusion laden on her face. She caught Esme watching her and looked even more confused. "Where am I? What happened?"

Esme smiled at her. "You're at our house. What do you remember, dear?"

Bella concentrated, trying to pick the errant memories from her head. "I remember Edward coming to get me, him driving me here . . . We came in the house . . . " She stopped searching her memories, suddenly a look of horror passed her delicate features, "Oh no, what did I do? I'm sorry. Sometimes I react poorly to stupid things. Did I do something?" Bella was starting to panic, worried over her reaction; but she didn't seem to remember what caused it. She started to struggle to sit up but I held her close. Her eyes darted to me in shock. "Edward." She must not have even noticed that I had been holding her. I heard her heart speed, but it didn't seem to be from panic this time.

Esme spoke up before Bella could get upset. "You did nothing dear. I mean, when you walked in to a room with four vampire males, anyone would have a reaction. It was stupid on our part to put you in that position, you just reacted naturally."

Bella looked more confused and suddenly she stiffened and paled. "We've been waiting for you." She whispered obviously not meaning for us to hear, not knowing we did. I looked at Esme and she looked back at me. She was thinking the same as I was, the same as the rest of the house was, Bella had heard that sentence before.

Bella took a minute to compose herself and looked at Esme trying to smile, though it was a sad version of one. "No Esme, I'm sorry. I over reacted, I hope I didn't say or do something to offend anyone. You didn't do anything wrong. I guess I was just surprised? Sometimes I just react badly to weird things; it's no biggie." Bella was trying to brush the whole thing off. I wanted to shake her. This wasn't a small matter and she didn't need to play it off as such.

Esme took one of her hands, "Don't worry; you didn't really say anything and we aren't offend, just worried. Would you like a cup of tea? Something to settle the nerves?" Bella smiled weakly and let Esme lead her to the kitchen. She looked back at me before she passed from the room. I felt empty, missing her warmth already.

I decided to let Bella have time with my family for a while, though I hoped that we could get some time together again later. I went to my room and continued to monitor Bella.

Esme and she were in the kitchen discussing different tea flavors and which Bella liked and when she drank them. Esme was comforting her in the normalcy of the discussion. I listened to Bella slowly calm down and become more at ease in our house.

Alice and Rose went downstairs and joined Esme in the kitchen talking to Bella.

"What have you eaten today?" Alice chirped.

Bella shrugged, "Some toast."

"Well you need more than that. What do you want for lunch?"

Bella looked at Alice like she was crazy. "Alice, you're a vampire!"

"Yeah."

"You don't eat human food."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Silly Bella, of course we don't eat human food, but that doesn't mean we don't have plenty of it here. So what do you want?"

Bella looked confused at Esme and Rose. Esme stepped in. "Really Bella, we have food here so you can help yourself to any of it."

Bella simply shook her head and mumbled too quietly for a human to hear. "They're not only vampires, they're nuts!" Everyone in the house laughed at that though Bella never heard us.

I watched her through my sister's eyes going through the refrigerator and pantry looking at what was all there. "Oh my Word! You vampires have enough food here to feed a small army, why?"

Esme chuckled, "I had no clue what you would want to eat, so I stocked up on a little of everything."

"You bought all of this for ME! Esme this is a lot of food and expensive."

"Oh tosh, it's nothing. Whatever you don't want ,we'll give to a shelter. Really it's not a big deal. Now enough, tell me what you want and I can make it for you!"

Bella looked like she was going to stubbornly refuse but looked at Esme and gave in. "I'll have salad and yogurt."

Carlisle spoke up then so we could hear but Bella couldn't. "I would like to talk to her about her diet. Rose and Alice can you leave for a few minutes?"

Alice chirped to Bella, "Ok you eat and then Rose and I'll go get a few more things ready upstairs. See you in a few!" She danced out of the room with Rose following behind.

Esme chatted with Bella a bit while she made her a salad. Carlisle was keeping attuned to the conversation and a good place to enter. Bella and Esme were talking about different ingredients for dishes that Esme had made in the past. Bella had a lot of knowledge about cooking, which I didn't think was normal for most people her age in this time of fast food.

"Where did you learn do much about cooking?" Esme inquired.

Bella chuckled. "You wouldn't ask that if you'd ever eaten anything Renee made." She had a soft smile on her face. "Renee is deadly in the kitchen and if you wanted to survive you needed to learn to cook. I've been cooking for my family since I was 13. I doubt I would have survived many more years of Renee's concoctions."

Esme was about to inquire more and ask who Renee was when Carlisle came in and sat on the stool next to Bella against the island. "Bella, can I talk to you for a minute?" Carlisle asked trying to be as non-confrontational as he could be.

Bella gave him a strange look and nodded. "Of course, though know there are certain things I won't talk about. I mean I'm sorry about before and what –"

Carlisle cut her off with a gesture of his hand. "No, I wasn't going to inquire about that. Don't get me wrong, I would be happy to listen to you explain what happened; but I don't think you're ready for that yet, are you?" Bella shook her head and I could hear her heart racing; Carlisle could too. "No, I wanted to talk about something else, if that's ok." Carlisle paused, waiting for Bella to respond but she just kept looking at him with wide eyes, I could smell the adrenaline and fear in my room 2 stories up. Carlisle was wondering what he could do to help calm her but knew there was little so he plunged ahead.

"I've talked with my children and they've told me that you had a bit of a rough spot 2 weeks ago, right before we met and that you didn't seem like you'd been eating. As a doctor I can say, Bella, you are exceedingly underweight. Is this something you're doing on purpose?"

Bella started shaking. I wanted to be there, helping to calm her down, but I knew this was something she needed to do on her own. She needed to fight her battles and I couldn't fight them all. She was safe here and Carlisle wouldn't hurt her or push her too hard.

Bella whispered. "No, I'm not trying to be this skinny. This isn't me dieting or anything like that." Bella had been looking down and when Carlisle said nothing, hoping she would speak more on her own, she glanced up at him. Carlisle nodded for her to continue. Bella chewed on her lip and finally spoke quickly, almost as if fearing that if she didn't talk now she wouldn't be able to. "I know it sounds dumb but often I just forget to eat; it's not on purpose. I just am so distracted that I miss thinking about it. Other times I know I need to eat but my stomach is so churned up with nerves and anxiety that I know if I ate I'd throw up, so I don't. I know I don't eat enough . . . I just . . ." Bella looked lost trying to find words to explain herself.

Carlisle was ecstatic. He was worried that Bella was fully anorexic, but what she was saying didn't lend itself to that diagnosis and he hoped he could work with her. "Bella are you on any medication to help with the anxiety?" It was a normal question to ask since Bella didn't know that Carlisle was aware of what medications she was on.

Bella glanced fearfully at him. "Why?"

Carlisle smiled. "I'm not judging you my dear. I was wondering if there was something that we might be able to give you to help with the times you're too nervous to eat."

Bella looked off to the side biting her lip thinking. "Yes, I have something for panic attacks but I don't take it as a maintenance drug. I don't want to take maintenance drugs if I can avoid them in anyway."

Carlisle nodded thinking through her avoidance of drugs and if there was more he could do for her. "May I ask who prescribes for you? Is it a family doctor or a psychiatrist?"

Bella spoke in a tiny voice that was hard to hear. "My old family doctor back home."

"Bella, if you want, I'd be happy to go over your prescriptions and see if there is something better out there for you to take or that will help you out with your day to day struggles more. You do know, though, these types of medications are best prescribed by a psychiatrist, preferably one that you are in therapy with."

Bella shook her head frantically. "No! I'm not doing therapy. I can't, I just can't."

Carlisle placed a hand over hers which caused her to jerk but she didn't take her hand away. "It's ok Bella. I'm not forcing you into anything right now. I just want to help. Ok? Let's talk about something else. I see you're eating a salad and while I'm happy for the vitamins it has, you need something with higher calories. Honestly with the weight you are now you're not strong enough to fight sickness and I'm sure you've lost bone density, which means you could easily break a bone. I don't want that and I'm sure you don't either. Can we talk about some things to help get you more calories consistently?"

Bella agreed and Carlisle talked with her, outlining a plan for her to have a watch set with alarms reminding her to eat. Bella was obviously upset to need such a crutch but said she would try it for a week and report back to Carlisle how it went. He also recommended she start drinking a high calorie vitamin drink daily, which Bella didn't seem to have a problem with. Carlisle had more suggestions but decided that Bella was willing to try two major things and he would make more suggestions after he saw how this went.

Overall I could hear his inner monologue happy with how the conversation went and how Bella was willing to try. He had hope that eventually she would open up totally and the fact that she hadn't given up entirely buoyed him. He was already planning what his step would be next week to suggest to Bella to get her body on track to being healthy. The dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep were worrisome to him and he was thinking next he would work on getting her more sleep.

Jasper was deep in thought. Going over everything that Bella said and every flutter of her heartbeat trying to come up with an adequate scenario for all that he knew. He had wanted Carlisle to push her harder but admitted to himself that after her breakdown, today was not the day to push. I heard Jasper head to Emmett's room where they started playing video games and talking about Bella. Emmett was extremely concerned for her and felt he had caused the issue earlier. Jasper assured him that whatever had triggered Bella's attack was probably more than just one thing.

Carlisle left Bella to Esme and they continued talking about cooking. Soon after, Alice and Rose came in and grabbed Bella, dragging her upstairs talking about hair and make-up. Bella looked lost but was valiantly trying to keep up. One thing I'd noticed is that Bella was a natural girl and didn't wear make-up or fuss over her appearance. That was about to change with her being around Alice and Rose.

Both girls sat her down in a chair and started talking to each other deciding exactly what they were going to do with her hair and what styles it would best show off her face.

Rose laughed. "So Bella, you need to tell Alice if you have any preferences for your homecoming dress. She usually has it picked out by looking in our futures, but since she can't see yours, she's stymied as to what you want."

"Oh! I don't know. I hadn't planned on going to Homecoming."

Alice huffed. "But why not, you're going with Edward, aren't you. He _has_ asked you, hasn't he?!" Bella shook her head. _Edward! So help me, I'm gonna come up there are break every CD you own! Why haven't you asked her? It's 2 weeks away!_

I honestly would have laughed at Alice's anger if I didn't fear her retribution. "When do you suggest I ask her then? After her panic attack on Monday? Or the one on Wednesday? Possibly the one today? 'Well Bella, now that you're awake, let's go to homecoming together!'" I spoke softly.

_Don't start mister; you've had plenty of time. I left you and her alone Tuesday night after class. You could have asked then, or any other time. Now I'm stuck doing damage control to save your butt._ I smirked glad the pixie wasn't looking at my future right then to see it.

"Well Bella, my guess is he's shy and maybe thinks you wouldn't go with him." _Or he's a stubborn cow that won't get his act together_.

Rose cut in. "You should ask him yourself."

Bella's eyes went wide and she stuttered. "Ask him . . . myself? No, I mean . . . no I'm not asking Edward to homecoming! I don't even want to go. I can't dance and I hate formal affairs."

Alice raised her eyebrows and looked Bella in the mirror. "Oh you're going missy; don't doubt that. Edward's going too. Neither of you have a date, so it makes sense for you to go together."

Bella squirmed in her chair. "Alice, I think Edward will have a date; I don't think it'll be me. Can you just drop it?"

Alice growled. _Edward do you see what your waiting has done! You had better ask her by the end of the day or I'll tell Jane that you've decided that being a virgin isn't fun and you are too scared to ask her to take your virginity from you!_

"You wouldn't!"

_Try me!_

I shuddered. Jane was part of the Volturi guard. She was a viscous creature that had indicated that she thought I would make a fine play thing and she'd propositioned me more than once. Staying out of her way when I was in Italy had become a wretched game, that so far, I had won. For Alice to threaten to send Jane after me was below the belt on many levels. "I promise, before this day is out I will ask her!"

I rolled my eyes and I listened to the laughter and mental images of my family. They didn't know what Alice had threatened, but they found it funny that I was fearful and giving in. They were all speculating what she had threatened and some of their guesses were uncomfortable to imagine. I didn't know my family harbored such vindictive thoughts toward me.

It wasn't that I didn't want to ask Bella to Homecoming. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I just didn't know how to ask her. I've never been on a date in my life; never asked a girl out. Plus this wasn't just a girl; this was Bella. She was broken and beautiful and an angel. While I doubt there is anyone I would find worthy of her innocence to take her to Homecoming, I knew that I was not worthy of her.

Rose spoke up again. "Whether you go with Edward or not you're going to Homecoming. So the question remains, what kind of dress do you want? Do you want to show the girls?" I groaned thinking about Bella in a skimpy dress with her breasts hanging out. She was too classy for a dress like that, especially wearing it around frat boys that would be drooling over her in an obscene way. "Is there anything specific you want covered? How short would you go if Alice went with a shorter dress?"

Bella looked mortified. Alice stepped in. "Yes, let me know what's acceptable. And don't argue, you're going and that's final!"

Bella glared at Alice. "Fine! This is stupid. I would rather a dress that covers more than it doesn't. Below the knee, little cleavage, if any, nothing backless!"

Alice smiled. "I can work with that. What size are you? A two?"

Bella shrugged. "I have no clue. I haven't been shopping for clothes in a long time."

Alice nodded, though she was incredulous to think that Bella didn't shop. "Do you want to come with me to pick it out or should I just surprise you?"

Bella smiled. "Alice, I doubt I could keep up with you shopping; you'd probably be better off getting it on your own." I silently agreed with Bella, shopping with Alice was not something mortals were fit for!

Alice took a deep breath. "Speaking of things you don't want showing." She gestured to Bella's hands. "If I don't find a long sleeved dress do you want me to make sure that I provide some kind of thick bracelet to match everything?"

Bella looked at Alice and I could hear her heart thrumming through the house. She started picking, in agitation, at the cuffs that were always on her wrists. "Thanks Alice. That'd be great."

Alice simply nodded, letting Bella know it was ok and she wasn't going to ask anything more. This just cemented in my, and my entire families mind, that Bella was hiding scars on her wrists the only thing I wondered now was if they were from a self-inflicted wound or something else.

I listened to the girls talk more as Alice and Rose straightened Bella's hair and added sprays and gels and who knows what all to make her more beautiful than she already was. I watched Bella through their thoughts and she was obviously trying to keep my sisters happy and wasn't finding much joy on her own with the extended dress up session they had going on. When Alice pulled out a pair of jeans and a shirt for Bella to wear Bella put up quite the fuss.

"Alice you didn't buy me clothes! Please I don't need new clothes, I'm happy with what I have."

"Bella! Nothing you have fits you! Everything hangs off your frame, why not just try on something and see what you would look like in clothes that fit!" Alice thrust the jeans and shirt at her and told her to get dressed. Bella grabbed the clothes and huffed off to the bathroom to change.

When Bella came out of the bathroom my jaw dropped. I knew she was thin but to see her body outlined in close fitting jeans and a v-neck shirt showing off her décolletage left my mouth watering and I was glad for the close fitting underwear that hid my instant reaction to the vision of Bella even if I was alone in my room.

Alice jumped clapping her hands, "Oh you're perfect Bella. I knew you were a size two. You look wonderful." Alice skipped to the door, let's go show the guys! Bella's eyes widened and she tugged at the neck on her shirt trying to get it to cover more. While it was incredibly demur compared to what girls normally wore, it did show off more of her skin than she was obviously used to.

Bella followed Rose and Alice to Emmett's room. I saw her look around and frown. Rose and Alice went straight to their mates and sat on their laps, Bella looked uncomfortable. Jasper noticed and smiled at her. "Come sit anywhere. Do you play any video games?"

Bella walked slowly in the room further and sat off to the side. "No I don't."

Emmet boomed. "What Belly Bear? You gotta play video games." He handed her a remote and got the Wii set up for bowling thinking it was an easy enough game to learn on.

Bella laughed taking the controller without touching Emmett and immediately took a step away from him. "Well Cupcake some of us aren't full of testosterone and entertain ourselves with more mind expanding ventures than video games." She winked at him.

Emmet snorted. "Or some humans around here have no hand eye coordination and can't handle something like a video game, right sweet cheeks?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Bring it pretty boy!"

Emmett laughed. He started explaining to Bella how to play the game and walked her through how to hold the controller and the best way to move to get a strike. I watched Bella through the eyes of my siblings, having a great time playing the game. She laughed and smiled and even fell down a few times. Honestly how do you fall down playing a video game, only sweet Bella could do that! But I also watched her with my family. She always kept herself at a distance from them and avoided any circumstance where Jasper or Emmett could touch her, even simply brushing up against them to go somewhere else. She wasn't as uncomfortable as she was with Ben and Jacob but her distance was still notable. I watched her eyes and while they weren't vacant they weren't expressive either. It was progress though and I saw it as such.

But notably were my sibling's reactions to Bella. It had been a long time since I had heard so much laughter from my family. We have known each other for decades. We know how each thinks and we've heard all our jokes already. Bella was a breath of fresh air and my family loved her. Not only that, they seemed to be as affected by her as I was. Each acting more human than they ever had before. Being around Bella was affecting us all. Who knew that humans could do that?

Finally my patience was worn out. I had given my family time with Bella; now it was my turn. I needed to see her. As soon as my decision was made a loosening in my stomach occurred, I hadn't even felt the tension building until that point. I sped to Emmett's room and took a deep breath before entering. I opened his door as Bella was laughing about something Emmett was saying and she turned to look at me. My breath caught, seeing her as she was, and not in the minds of others, was like removing the wax paper to reveal her in all her glorious splendor.

"Do you want to take a break from the Neanderthal there?" I said nodding my head towards Emmett. Bella smiled. I held my hand out hoping she'd take it. She smiled at my siblings and came up to me placing her diminutive hand in mine. I lead her to my room and saw her looking around in wonder.

"Is this your room?" I nodded at her. "Wow, you have a lot of music" she said looking at my shelves of CDs and LPs. She walked closer and started reading the titles.

"What kind of music do you like?"

She glanced at me. "I don't know. I like all different kinds of music." I smirked. Yes, I have heard many genres playing at her house.

"Who's your favorite?"

Bella tilted her head and considered the question. Finally she scrunched her nose up. "I don't have a favorite anything with music. It all depends on my mood and what's going on at the time."

I watched her walk along my shelves looking at all my music, sometimes she would nod at something she saw and a few times she rolled her eyes. I simply stood watching and drinking in her reactions to my room. I tried to examine it as she would see it, with fresh eyes, and noticed my room consisted of decorations that Esme had placed. Yes it reflected my tastes and preferences but there was nothing here that I had placed because I wanted it there. I had a box in my closet that held things from my human life and a few other things I had collected in my years as a vampire that I wanted to keep, but otherwise this room held nothing that was distinctly mine. Huh, I never noticed that.

Bella turned from my music shelves and looked around the room confused. "Where's your bed?"

I chuckled. "I don't have one Bella. Vampires don't sleep."

Bella's eyes widened. "Ever?"

I smiled. "Never. We never get tired or worn out."

Bella looked incredulous. "Wow!" She looked down at her feet digging her toe in the carpet. Finally she looked up at me from under her eye lashes, "Will you tell me more?"

"About what?" I slowly walked toward Bella. I had stayed in the doorway not wanting to scare her. As I walked I listened to her heart rate to see if she was scared.

"About being a vampire."

I stood for a bit trying to think of the best way of opening up this conversation. Bella looked up at me with such innocent wide eyes; no fear or trepidation showed in them. I made a decision. I walked over to my closet and searched for the smallest sweater I could find and a sweatshirt for me. I handed the sweater to Bella. "Here put this on."

She looked at me. "Why do I need more clothes to talk?"

I gave her a grin, laughing in my head. "Well I figured that I would not only tell you, but show you. Plus with all the listening ears around here I figure it would be easier to have this conversation in a more private place."

"What do you have her wearing?" Alice called from the floor below.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair and spoke in a normal tone of voice. "A sweater. She'll be just fine. I promise to take her nowhere anyone will see."

I pulled the sweatshirt I grabbed over my head. With what I planned I wanted an extra layer between Bella and me, so she didn't get cold from my body.

"Who were you talking to?"Bella was obviously confused.

I winked at her. "I'll explain it all. Do you trust me?" I knew it was a loaded question and I honestly didn't know what Bella would do at this point. She didn't know it, but the entire house was focused on my room and no one was even breathing.

Bella bit her lip and looked deep in my eyes. Finally she nodded. "Yes I do." She pulled the sweater I gave her on. She was adorable drowning in a sweater that went to her mid thigh.

I smiled, knowing I couldn't keep the excitement of her trust off my face. "Ok, we're going to go for a short run."

Bella frowned. "I'm not good at running. I mean I can handle my treadmill but seriously are you talking about running in the woods?"

I laughed, this was too easy. "Yes Bella, but you won't be running." I turned around and crouched down a bit. "Hop on."

"What!"

I turned to look at her. "Trust me Bella. Hop on. I promise nothing bad will happen to you."

I saw Bella swallow and take a deep breath. She reached a tentative hand out and touched my shoulder; I bit back a moan at feeling her warm hand on me, even through two layers of fabric. She grabbed my other shoulder and jumped up. I straightened and grabbed her legs just behind her knee. "Ok angel. Hang on, I promise you won't get hurt but I'm sure it will be a bit scary at first."

I walked at human speed to my balcony. "Wait! Edward, we aren't using the front door?"

I simply laughed. I jumped over the rail and took off running. Bella squealed in fear. I paid close attention to her heart rate, hoping it would slow down once she got use to flying through a forest at over 100 miles per hour on the back of a vampire.

I tried to ignore the burning of Bella being on me. Her warmth soaked through my shirts, warming me in ways I had never been warmed before. I had never been this close to a human that I could ever remember. Then there were her arms around my neck, so close to my mouth. I drank in the scent of her blood hearing it course through her fragile wrists so close to my teeth. While the temptation to bite was there, it was tempered by her soft skin that touched my neck. I had never felt anything like it before; her touch grounded me and chained the monster. Then there was the affect she was having on my libido. I was thankful that when I went to dress today that Alice had left me some new underwear. I glanced down and sure enough my prominent erection wasn't tenting my pants in an obscene way.

Bella's heart rate was slowly calming down, I couldn't see if her eyes were open but I didn't hear her blinking so I assumed they were closed. We had gotten to where I wanted to go after about 10 minutes of running. I quickly scaled a suitable tree until we were at the top. From this view you could see for miles around and even glimpse the ocean. We were high up on a ridge; this was a view Bella would never be able to see if she wasn't with a vampire.

I softly placed her on a branch never taking my hands all the way off her. "Open your eyes angel."

Bella opened her eyes and looked at me. Slowly she took in the panoramic view of where she was. Her breath caught and she looked back at me in wonder. "Edward, it's beautiful." I smiled, feeling giddy as a fourteen year old girl that I was able to place such a look on her face and offer her something no one else could. "This is amazing. I can't even find the words."

I let her continue taking in the view. I was careful to monitor her heart and watched to see if she was getting cold. We were up high, and the winds were chilly, and I wanted to make sure the sweater I gave her was enough.

Finally she looked back at me. "So this is where you're taking me to tell me about vampires?" She quirked a brow.

I laughed, "I guess so. I really just wanted to get out of the house so my family didn't hear everything we said. I know they would be interrupting with comments non-stop and I guess I just wanted you to myself for a bit without listening to them. You don't know how peaceful it is to talk to someone and not hear their thoughts." I looked at her trying to convey with my eyes as well as my words what a new experience this was for me. "I admit that I wish I knew what you were thinking most of the time; but up here, right now, miles from anyone, this is something I can't experience with anyone else."

Bella gave a soft smile and blushed looking off in the distance. She turned and started to lose her balance, I grabbed her and she grabbed for me catching my hip. "Sorry, I'm probably not the best person to have in such a precarious position."

"No worries. I have lightning fast reflexes; I won't let you fall."

Bella looked at me cocking her head, her hand was still on my hip and I was trying hard to not concentrate on it but it was difficult. "So you have super fast speed; you are extremely strong; you don't sleep; what other tricks can you do?"

"Tricks? I guess I never thought of it that way before. Well we have exceptional hearing, which I told you about. Back at the house when I gave you that sweater, Alice was downstairs hounding me making sure it matched or something. I could hear her just fine though you couldn't."

Bella sat for a minute thinking. "Today has everyone in the house been able to hear everything I've said?"

"Yeah? Don't let it worry you. We all can hear each other all the time, it's just part of life for us. You'll get use to it if you come over more often. I figured you could use a break though and that's part of why I brought you out here."

I noticed Bella gave a small shiver. "Are you cold? Do you want to go back?"

"I'm a little cold but I don't want to leave. This is peaceful."

I nodded. It was peaceful but I wouldn't let this angel get cold for it. I took off my sweatshirt and handed it to her. "Here let me help you put this on, another layer should help."

"What about you? Won't you get cold?"

"No Bella. Here put this on and I'll explain." I reached over and helped her put the sweatshirt on making sure she kept her balance. When it was on, her hand came back to my hip; though now, with no sweatshirt inhibiting her warmth, it was more concentrated and wonderful. "I don't get hot or cold. My skin is like marble; it doesn't scratch or dry out or wrinkle."

Bella looked at me. "Umm can I . . . can I touch it?" Bella blushed looking horrified. "Forget it. You aren't a circus freak; I'm so sorry."Bella rushed out thinking she had offended me.

I brushed a hair back from her face that had fallen in her eyes. "Bella I promise, you couldn't possibly offend me. Ok?" I held my hand out quickly pushing up the sleeve of my shirt so she could touch me.

Bella tentatively reached out keeping eye contact with me. She placed her hand so lightly on my arm. She looked down and started feeling my arm with more vigor. I watched her face fill with awe and she continued touching me. The spark that was always there was so strong with the skin to skin contact and the heat; the heat of her burned through me. I bit back a groan of sheer pleasure. I had never felt anything like her touch against me. There is no way that vampires could know that being around a human could feel like this; if they did they would be collecting humans to feel this sensation.

"Your skin is amazing; so hard but so soft to the touch."

"Really? You don't think it's unnatural?"

Bella laughed lightly. "Unnatural? How so? Is it like human skin? No, but you aren't human the same as I am so why should everything about you be the same. Your skin is amazing." Bella removed her hand from feeling my arm and surprisingly placed it back on my hip, her thumb snuck up my shirt slightly rubbing it against the skin right above my jeans. "Can you tell me about sunlight and why you weren't in school Wednesday?"

I swallowed the venom pooling in my mouth from the sensory overload of the sweetness of Bella's smell, the warmth of her touch, and the music of her voice; the combination was incredibly heady and was making me have the strangest twisting sensation in my stomach area. Finally I found my voice, though it was slightly hoarse. "It's hard to explain. How about I promise to show you sometime?"

Bella nodded. "Can you tell me about you? How did you become a vampire?"

So I talked to Bella. I told her my story of what I remembered of being human and why Carlisle changed me. I explained waking up not understanding what I was or all the noise I heard and sensations I experienced. The only thing I didn't get into were the years I went rouge and hunted humans, killing the dregs of society. I didn't want Bella to know about that yet, if ever. She sat and listened to me keeping her hand on my hip. When I was done she asked about the rest of my family. I explained how each joined our family, glossing over Rosalie and the rape that occurred leaving her close to death.

I had never spent hours like I was right now. The simplicity and beauty of talking to someone, watching expressions cross her face; and her eyes, her eyes were expressive as well. She asked insightful questions and listened to everything I said. Never once was there an errant thought to disrupt my stream of consciousness.

We had been talking for over three hours when I noted that it was time to get Bella back to my house and some more food in her. I took a deep breath. "Bella, I know Alice was bugging you earlier, but I was wondering if you'd accompany me to the Homecoming dance. I'm not asking because of Alice. I've wanted to ask you but I wasn't sure how or if you'd be interested."

I held my breath awaiting her answer. She looked down. "I would like to go with you, but Edward wouldn't you rather go with someone else?"

"I'm confused? Why would I want to go with someone else?"

Bella sighed. "I don't dance well; I don't get drunk; I . . . I . . ."Bella groaned "Listen Edward, I know that a lot of guys ask girls to dances hoping for a quick easy score, that's not going to happen with me so you should go with someone that can do that for you."

I was flabbergasted. Bella thought I was asking her to the dance for a quickie! "Bella No! I am not asking you to go with me for an easy score of any kind. That is the furthest thing from my head. You're a human; I'm a vampire; I don't even think it's possible. I was asking because you're beautiful and intelligent and spending the night with you by my side, whether we dance or not, will make it infinitely more enjoyable for me."

Bella looked closely at me. I was getting use to her looking in my eyes trying to pick out my thoughts. He thumb was still on my hip rubbing circles absentmindedly. Finally she nodded. "Ok, thank you. I'd love to go with you."

"Thank you for the honor. We do need to leave now before it gets much later. I'm going to turn and you can climb on my back. Were you ok coming here? Anything I need to worry about?"

"No, how do you move that fast and not hit trees? All I could see was a blur?"

I smiled. "I can process it all. I could make out every needle on every tree and every bug on the ground. I promise I won't let you get hurt."

Bella considered me. "I know." She let the statement hang out there before she continued. "I don't know why, but I know you won't hurt me."

Her honesty and belief in me was more than I could take. "Bella, never forget, at my heart, I'm a monster. I keep it chained around you but never forget the monster is always there." I gently grabbed Bella's arm and placed her on my back not wanting to continue the conversation. I ran back home, the lighthearted mood I had been feeling moments ago, gone. I didn't want Bella to trust and believe in me so much; I didn't deserve it and I feared one day I would harm her, therefore breaking that trust. When that day happened I knew my world would go black.

We got home and I bounded up to my room. I bent so Bella could slide to the floor. Before her feet found purchase Emmett was in my room grabbing her. "Beanie, where have you been? You can't let Edward hog you like that. Now that you're here, we're gonna watch a movie. What'd ya want to see?"

Bella gave a slight screech when Emmett grabbed her but visibly tried to calm down. "Butterball, you do know I'm not a stuffed animal right?" She winked.

"Whatever. Get your butt moving, movie in a few. You need to see Esme also cause she's freaking trying to find something for you to eat."

I sighed, Emmett was so straight forward. "Emmett just leave. I'll make sure Bella gets downstairs in a minute; she's human she might need a few minutes to freshen up!"

"Huh?"

I rolled my eyes. "Bella are you ok? Do you need anything?" I pointed to my en suite bathroom. "The bathroom's there if you need a moment. I can wait."

"Oh yeah! I forgot, sorry Bella. Ok you go pee or whatever you need to do. Just hurry."

I shook my head. "Bella I'm sorry. Remember when I told you a bear had mauled him? Well, I'm pretty sure the bear knocked him on his head so hard that even changing into a vampire couldn't fix it all."

Bella just laughed and walked into the bathroom while Emmett started to come after me. "Seriously do you have no discretion? Human girls don't talk about peeing!"

Emmett laughed at me. "Edward I had hoped that with a few hours out of here with Bella that you're undies would untwist. Seriously, it's a good thing you aren't human; you'd have major chaffing issues if you were." He took off out the door to go get a movie set up.

I rolled my eyes. When Bella came out I smiled at her and gave her my hand. She took it without hesitating. "I have to say, it's a nice shock that vampires stock toilet paper."

Emmett laughed downstairs. "Petunia, that's all for you babe." He shouted up the stairs.

Bella blushed clearly mortified. "Ignore him. Esme always has all of our bathrooms stocked like a normal human bathroom on the off chance there would be a need. We're very good at appearances." Bella seemed slightly mollified but not entirely. Carlisle and Esme were both berating Emmett for making a guest feel uncomfortable and no matter how Emmett tried to explain he was joking they weren't listening.

I lead Bella to the kitchen, "What would you like to eat?"

Esme came in. "Bella I didn't know what you would want so I made some shaved beef and I figured we could do a lot with it." Esme smiled and gave Bella a quick hug that seemed to please Bella.

"Why not just stick it on some bread and make a hot beef sandwich with it? Do you have any white cheese to add?"

"We have mozzarella and provolone."

"Mozzarella, please."

Esme made Bella her sandwich and Bella grabbed a root beer to drink. Suddenly she giggled.

Esme looked at her inquisitively and I asked. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just. Ok, I'm in a house of vampires about to watch a movie while I eat dinner. Does no one else see the weirdness coupled with the ordinariness of it all? I don't know; it's just surreal."

Esme smiled, "I understand dear. Trust me weird is normal here." She handed Bella her plate and told her to enjoy the movie.

"Are you sure I should bring this outside the kitchen?" She asked indicating her plate.

I grabbed it from her. "Goodness no! With how klutzy you are, I think I better carry it for you!" I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Edward Cullen, you did not!" She yelled and made to hit me.

I easily dodged her and made my way 2 steps ahead of her to the movie room where the rest of my family was. Emmett stood up blocking me. "Bella do you need my skills to school this boy?"

Bella giggled. "No that's ok. Just make him give me my sandwich."

I turned and handed her the plate. I sat on the couch and Bella sat next to me. I studied my family. I couldn't believe how difficult it was to listen to all their thoughts after a few hours of just focusing on Bella. I felt like I was surrounded by 60 people's thoughts, not 6.

Bella piped up. "What are we watching?"

I groaned when I heard from Emmett's thoughts what he'd picked. "Seriously! Please there isn't a female high schooler in the room!"

Emmett ignored me. "_Buffy the Vampire Slayer_!"

Bella started chocking on the bite she had taken of her sandwich. "Oh my word, are you serious? That is too funny."

I groaned again. "Please don't encourage him!"

Bella simply giggled once more. The movie started and the whole family sat watching it. It occurred to me that Bella was right; we looked like an episode of _Leave it to Beaver_. I don't think we have ever come together as a family to watch a movie like this. Yet one more thing to add to the list of what Bella had changed in us.

As the movie continued, I watched Bella. When she had finished her sandwich I grabbed her plate and returned it to the kitchen. When the movie was nearing the end, Bella started yawning and I saw her eyes flutter and go unfocused. I thought to myself I wished there was a place here for her to sleep, I knew that any of my family would give up one of the three beds in their rooms for her; but Bella would never allow them to do so, even if we didn't need it for sleep. Plus I'm sure she wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in a strange house.

When the movie ended I told Bella that I would take her home. It amazed me that it took 20 minutes for us to leave the house at that point. Bella talked to everyone separately saying good-bye and thanking everyone for something. She promised to visit again soon . When we finally made it out the door Bella stumbled and I think it was in sheer tiredness.

I opened the door for her and climbed in my side. "If you're tired, you can sleep for the few minutes it'll take for me to get you home."

"That's ok. I don't want to fall asleep for a few minutes; I might not wake up once we get to my house!"

"Well I would let you sleep in my car if you wanted, but I'm sure your bed is more comfortable."

"I'm sure it is. You know Edward. You're blessed. If you have to spend eternity with a family, you have a good one to be with."

Yet again my angel surprised me with her comments, seemingly out of left field, and her intuitiveness. "Yes Bella. My family makes my existence bearable. I've met a lot of vampires in my time and most of them are the monsters of legend. They feel superior to humans and see them as cattle. I don't want to ever be like that."

Bella sighed. "It has to be hard to be so different from everyone around you. I mean, you surround yourself with humans; and even when you're with vampires, you're different."

"Bella are you human?"

She did a double take. "Why do you ask that?"

"You're just incredibly perceptive. Amazingly so. Most humans can't be bothered with things outside of themselves but you notice so much."

Bella blushed. "Well, when you spend so much time alone, it's easy to watch others."

I smiled. "Well you don't have to be alone if you don't want to."

Bella laughed. "With Alice I'm guessing whether I want to or not is irrelevant. I think that pixie will always be around. I'm guessing Emmett too; though I'm not renting a bedroom for him at my house!"

I laughed. "That's a good thing. Trust me you don't want to hear the things I have!"

Bella shuddered. After that we had quiet conversation until we got to her house. I pulled up and opened the car door for her to get out and walked her to the door.

There was a tension in the air that I couldn't define. When we got to the door, Bella opened it and kept looking at her feet, not making a move to go inside.

"Are you ok Bella?" Her breathing was shallow and her heart had sped up.

She looked at me through her eyelashes and the erection that hadn't subsided in hours got infinitely stiffer. I suddenly found it hard to catch my breath. Bella licked her bottom lip and I fought a moan. I had no clue what was happening but I wanted to taste her and it had nothing to do with her blood.

"Yeah I'm ok. I should go inside. Thanks for the ride, for the day." Bella's voice was strained and she wouldn't meet my eyes.

I spoke softly; I didn't think my voice would hold if I spoke louder. "The pleasure was all mine. Sleep well sweet Bella."

Bella slowly turned, walked in the house, and closed the door.

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AN: Sorry I'm gonna give you a long AN again but hopefully when done, it will help you. I have had questions about when Bella will be sharing her history and asking what happened. I love soooooo much how passionate some of you are, and how worried you all are about her. Now I don't outline the story, I just know in my head what needs to happen and in what order. When I sit to write a chapter I have a goal as to what to get out, but sometimes things go longer than I planned and take up more than one chapter.

So I sat down with Nissa and Ronnie and thought through what is going to be happening and I do not see a way to get Bella to share her story in less than ten more chapters (probably more the way these chapters are going!). WHAT you say! NO! I know it seems difficult but sorry. I'm trying sooooo hard to keep this story realistic. If you think about it rape victims rarely tell their story easily and usually need therapy to get it, out and for them to move forward. Well, honestly, I have one of the most brutal rapes planned for Bella and sadly it isn't the worst thing that happened to her. Again WHAT Chelle? Rape is the worst thing that a woman can face. Yeah, normally I would agree with you, but not this time. I'm not saying this to make you mad or tease you, but to share the gravity of her past and why she isn't sharing.

It's hard to know what Bella is thinking, just ask Edward LOL, ok seriously. But Bella has NEVER, not once, shared her story. Yes there are parts that have come out with the DA for the trials that she has been through, and let me tell you the DA pulls his hair out with her on the stand because she is not open, she has talked to no one. The people that are back home and know her story know it because everyone back home knows her story. She is not from Forks but will be from another small town where everyone knows everybody's business.

Also remember Bella plans on killing herself Why would she open up to people when he plans on being dead in 4 months? What does she gain by telling them? She thinks nothing. What does she lose? She thinks she loses the first people that have treated her semi-normally in 2 years; it's not a risk she's willing to take.

So have patience. We will learn her story, I promise a HUGE build up and a semi-heart fail before we know. Bella must be put in a position where she is almost forced to share due to circumstance. I tell you this so you can enjoy the story without constantly wondering when. I promise the chapter before Bella spills it will be abundantly clear that next chapter is the one. It will end almost on a cliffie and you will know then Bella's story is coming.

Also yes Bella's story is tragic and I have had people express concern about reading it and if it will be too much. Yes Bella's story is horrific but we will hear it from her words and not have images or a lot of description. It will be a clinical cliff note version; and if you think that is still too much, I will be happy to let you skip the chapter and PM you a summary.

So I hope that helps and that you can just enjoy what's going on without worrying each update if this is the one. Keep sending Bella cyber hugs, cause she loves them and so do I!

I'm not getting into the whole Edward mating thing. We've been there before. Yeah he still thinks his emotions are because Bella is human, ye;s Edward will get that he's mated but again look for that in a while, like right before Bella spills the beans!

Oh yeah Jersey – I'm on track for a kiss in chapter 23!

Ok next. I have added my story to The Writers Coffee Shop. I'm sure some of you have heard about the crackdown that FanFiction is doing with stories with MA content. I want to be prepared as this story, even if there are no lemons, is pretty MA and will only get more so. Yes I am planning on lemons as well. In that vein I will be posting teases on The Writer's Coffee Shop for their "Just a Sip" section on Thrusday's so go there if you're interested. http(://)thewriterscoffeeshop(dot)com. I have this story on these in its entirety and will be adding chapters at the same time I add to FanFiction.

* * *

I have to ask, how many people hate the Spider Monkey comment from the movie? I originally had it in this chapter but both Nissa and Ronnie commented on how they hate that line, I hate that line so who all hates that line? I decided to take it out. LOL

I have a pic of the Cullen's house on my profile.

Nissa and Ronnie, thank you. I gave you a monster of a chapter this week! Thanks for sticking it out!

Story this week: This is Not my Life by isakassees. Bella runs into Edward at the supermarket and suddenly James comes in and kidnaps her and Edward kid thinking they are his wife and child. Bella is trying to stay alive and protect Lily, Edward's daughter, from psychopath James while Edward is searching desperatly for both. This story is amazingly good!

Thanks for all the reviews. Seriously if I knew that talking about Cullen's being commando would get me record review's I'd have done it sooner! Don't stop I love them!!!

****Lastly this was a monster chapter and I need a break, there will not be an update next week. Sorry, but I promise to be back March 2nd.


	22. Where are we now?

**Chapter 22 – Where are we now?**

What was that? What had happened? Almost happened? I know I wanted to taste Bella. I _needed_ to taste her, but it wasn't her blood I wanted. I sat outside her house reflecting on the day, watching Bella sit at her kitchen table with a cup of chamomile tea cooling as she sat still as a statue staring at it. I filtered through all the events of the day, spending less time on the painful ones and lingering on the time we spent alone together. I could almost feel her thumb still rubbing small circles on my side right above my hip. Her touch, no matter how small and insignificant it was only pulled me closer. It was as if every time we touched a thread connected and bound us closer together. I didn't know what to make of this knowledge.

But my craving her taste. I stopped thinking of Bella and worked on thinking of others. While I couldn't read people emotions I could read their thoughts. I had heard others crave the taste of someone before. It was when two lovers met back together and they needed to taste . . . to kiss; was that what I had wanted? Did I want to kiss Bella? If I had not been a vampire I think this revelation would have had me falling out of the tree I was in.

I wanted a kiss.

No.

I wanted to kiss Bella

My breathing stopped as I considered this. I had never, to my knowledge, kissed someone. Yes, a peck on the cheek for Esme a few times, but never to taste her, I never wanted my lips on hers, to breathe her breaths in, to make them mine.

Sudden anger flashed through me. What had this human done to me? I glared at her, seething. This was wrong; I never wanted to feel these types of emotions or passions. What was she doing to me and why was she torturing me like this?

Suddenly Bella looked up from her contemplation of her tea and looked out the window, her eyes troubled, sad and scared. As quickly as my anger came, it left. I was a monster. I was blaming this angel for my uncontrolled emotions and desires. Someone as pure as she was would never willingly tempt or torment me. No this was all my issue.

But what of Bella? Did she suspect that I wanted to kiss her? I thought back to the scene at her door step; how tentative she was; how her heart was racing and her breath was shallow; how she wouldn't meet my eyes and how she licked her lip. Did she_ want_ me to kiss her? No, an angel like her could not want to be defiled by a monster like me.

An unbidden image of Bella's lips on mine came to me. I imagined how soft they would be against the hardness of mine. Next I thought of the heat of her lips and breath as they mingled with my coolness. I groaned out loud as my penis twitched trying to burst through my pants to find relief.

Bella sighed in her kitchen and grabbed her now cold, untouched tea and threw it out. She slowly made her way upstairs and got ready for bed. What would she dream of tonight? A large part of me was scared after the incident at our house that had triggered such a reaction, that her dreams would be particularly harsh; I was right to be concerned.

That night Bella found little rest in her sleep. The tossing and turning was hard enough to watch but her mutterings were what almost killed me. To listen to her beg and plead to be left alone, screaming in pain as she thrashed around uttering things like, "No please anything but that; No please no I've never done that before; I'm ruined now for any husband." I felt the anger build in me with each utterance from her. Someday I would learn who did this to her and they would beg for death before I was done.

Finally toward dawn Bella spoke words that forever seared in my heart as she tossed in bed screaming. "No, please. . . No don't hurt me. . . Please I'll do anything . . . No don't. . . . Edward!" This angel had replaced the demons of her nightmares with me and pictured me harming her. I hung my head in shame.

"Edward." I looked up. Bella was sitting on her bed with her arms around her knees wide awake. She had spoken my name with sadness and wonder. I growled low in my chest. Why could I not read her thoughts? The desire grew daily, not lessening like I'd hoped it would as I came to know her better.

I needed out. I ran to my car and sped away. Everything about Bella bewildered me. I got home and marched to my room, pacing about. I felt caged by my thoughts and emotions. This human was unraveling me and I was helpless to stop it. Even now, when my predominate thoughts were wondering if she was ok with no one there to make sure nothing happened to her.

Jasper came to my room. "Brother, do you want to go for a run? Hunt a little?"

I looked at him considering. "Yeah I do." I turned and bound out of my window not waiting to see if he would follow; I knew he would. We ran for a long while, letting the wind rush past, calming me.

Finally Jasper broke through the mental humming he had been doing trying to give me peace. _Are you ready to talk about it?_

I ignored him and ran, opening my senses until I smelled prey to the right. I quickly changed course and took out a large male wolf drinking him clean and disposing of the carcass. I walked over to Jasper who had been sitting watching my every move working out my emotions and wondering where all the angst was coming from.

I sighed and sat next to him. "I'm lost."

Jasper quirked an eyebrow at me. _How so?_

"I don't know what to do about Bella. She's bringing out so many emotions and feelings in me. I don't feel like I'm able to process it anymore. I don't know what to do. I've never been ruled or driven by my emotions." I glanced at Jasper, "You know that." He snorted in agreement. "But now I find my range of emotions has exploded and I can't control what I'm feeling or how deeply I feel it."

Jasper nodded. _You're emotions certainly have been everywhere and a lot stronger than you're use to. Can you tell me what all was goin' on when you came in the house today?_

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. "I was processing everything that happened today. How excited I was when we were driving to our house; how scared I was when she collapsed; how my body reacted to her sitting in my lap; how grateful I was that she was accepting of Carlisle's help; how in awe I was seeing her all made up by my sisters; how peaceful and exciting it was to be alone with her to talk." I paused not knowing if I should continue. Jasper just sat waiting, knowing there was more. "Jasper I think I wanted to kiss her when I dropped her off at home."

Jasper let a whistle out. _And how do you feel about that?_

"I don't know. I've never wanted to kiss someone before. It was exciting and scary. But what about her? Of all the people to finally want to kiss why'd it have to be her?"

Jasper started laughing. I felt my anger ignite. _Calm down there boy. Why are you so mad that you wanted to kiss Bella? She isn't ugly or anything._

I growled at him. "No, but she's broken! The last thing she needs is a monster like me pursuing her. She's had enough of monsters taking advantage of her!"

Jasper sat quietly waiting for me to get my own emotions back under control. Once I was more controlled he set me off again. _Did she want you to kiss her?_

I jumped up screaming "Jasper what's wrong with you? Of course she didn't. I'm a vampire; she's an angel. Vampires and angels don't mix. She could want nothing like that from me." I paced groaning and tearing at my hair. Again Jasper sat and watched me have my temper tantrum; a part of me completely embarrassed by my actions, but unable to help myself. Once I had calmed down I sat again.

_Did she want you to kiss her?_

I sighed and sat still for a long while. "I don't know." I finally whispered.

_What scares you more? That you want to kiss her? Or that she might want you to?_

"I don't know." I paused. "Did you know she dreams of me? Well all of us, but tonight instead of just saying my name randomly while she slept she begged me to not hurt her while screaming."

Jasper whistled again. _Do you know for a fact it was you hurtin' her in her dream? Did ya consider you might have been saving her?_

I scoffed. "I doubt it."

I could hear Jasper wanting to battle about it, but thankfully he decided to move on. _So what do you do now?_

That was the question, wasn't it. What do I do now? I shrugged.

_Well back up a minute. You have definitely been feeling new and more intense emotions. Why do you think that is?_

"Because I'm around Bella. I've never been around a human like I am with her. I sit and watch her, studying everything. I'm surrounded and submersed in her humanity. Plus there's something about her. Did you notice at the house today how much she just fit in and connected to everyone? No one is not touched by her in some way; I saw it in everyone's thoughts.

Jasper nodded. _But if all these emotions are scaring you and being around Bella's the cause, then maybe distancing yourself from her will help you get everything sorted out again. It's worth a try._

"No." Jasper looked at me. "No, I'm not leaving Bella just because I can't control myself. Why should my insecurities drive me away when she's done nothing wrong?"

_So what happens if you want to kiss her again?_

I shrugged, "Ignore it."

Jasper snorted. _Fine what if she wants you to kiss her?_

"Jasper I don't even know if that possible. I'm a vampire full of venom. I doubt Bella would thank me for turning her because I can't control my sudden physical urges around her."

Jasper sat considering what I said and if venom from a kiss would kill her. _Edward you do know that the Denali girls have sex with and kiss their human partners and none of them have turned into a vampire yet._

I groaned. How could I forget that? I had seen, graphically, in the minds of the Denali coven, what they did with human males. Jasper was right, none of them had been turned. So I could kiss Bella? Taste her? I found myself growing hard again just at the idea.

Jasper laughed. _Boy you are somethin' else. I'll tell you what, I know you know not to push her so I'm not gonna lecture you about that. Just be prepared that any steps forward with someone like Bella will likely lead to a few steps back. That's the nature of her illness. Be ready for her to pull back at times, but if you stay constant and open she'll come 'round eventually. _

Jasper ran back home, letting me have a few minutes alone, I appreciated him taking time to talk to me. My mind wasn't clear, but I no longer felt flooded with emotions and conflicting thoughts. I ran home at a slow pace allowing everything Jasper said to flow through me. I tried to make a conscious decision if I would kiss Bella, though I don't think it was something I could, or would want to, plan. I would have to take my cues from her and see how she acted. With my mind determined, I sped up so I could change and play some piano before going to church to see Bella.

When I got to church I saw that Bella's car wasn't in the parking lot yet. Instead of staying in my car waiting for her like a creepy stalker I went in waiting for her in the narthex. I saw Ben and Angela there and decided to talk to them.

"Hello, how are you this fine Sunday morning?"

"Hi Edward." Angela responded. "Where's Bella?"

I smiled at the thought that Angela and Ben assumed if I was here Bella would be with me. "I don't know. I'm sure she's coming."

Ben and I talked about fraternity things and what would be happening at the meeting that evening. Service was about to start so I went in and grabbed a seat in the area that Bella usually sat in, trying hard to not allow the nagging worry, that she wasn't here, consume me.

Right before the pastor started talking Bella came in. She stopped short when she saw me and her eyes widened. I could hear her heart thrumming at a faster pace as she quietly made her way over to where I was sitting, never looking me in the eye. I was confused by her actions. She didn't seem mad, but I couldn't figure out what was going on.

We sat in service and I kept my eyes on Bella more than the pastor, but she never looked at me. It was almost as if she willed herself not to; her head would start turning towards me and she would stop. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Were all humans this unpredictable if you couldn't read their thoughts? I somehow doubted it and figured it was just Bella.

Service ended without Bella acknowledging me once. I was starting to get mad at the brush off, wondering why she was giving it to me. Before she turned to leave she looked towards me with a red face and said good-bye. I growled to myself as I watched her turn to go. Was this what Jasper was talking about? But how could she be retreating when we hadn't done anything yet? Was the mere thought of kissing me so repugnant that she was avoiding me? That thought made my stomach clench.

I followed Bella around that day, watching her run errands and go to the hospital to visit the kids that obviously meant so much to her. I loved the thoughts from each of them as they spotted Bella walking in their room. She was a highlight of their days and a bright spot for them to look forward to. The smile I saw on Bella's face, through their thoughts, led me to believe that these trips were a highlight for her as well. I wondered what called her to do it? Why did she feel compelled to be with sick kids in long term treatment who didn't have parents that could visit? How had she gotten involved?

Bella got home in time for a quick meal and a change before she headed off to her weekly sorority meeting. While she bonded with her sisters, I headed off to bond with my fraternity brothers. I took a seat between Jasper and Emmett and tried my hardest to ignore Emmett who spent the night asking what I had done with Bella the day before and where we had gone. He was like a little kid with a new toy and annoying me to no end. Jasper was laughing the whole time at my annoyance. Times like these I envied normal covens of only 2-3 vampires.

I waited outside Bella's house for her to return from her sorority meeting that ran longer than mine did. When she went in her face was marred by a frown and she put on quiet classical music. I watched her gather her books and spend a few hours in hard studying before she baked a few quick breads. That night her dreams seemed to be normal for her and she didn't call my name screaming in terror.

I left her house as she awoke and went home to spend the morning at my piano again. I truly had forgotten how much I missed playing and composing. I wonder why I had ever stopped.

When I got to the quad for lunch I came baring a roasted chicken and cheddar sandwich that Esme had made with a few side dishes for Bella. Emmett was at her table but I saw that Jasper was at the table next to it. I quirked a brow at him.

_Just making sure there's room. Last week Bella looked a bit smothered. _

I nodded. Before I could take a seat Emmett started in again wondering where I had gone with Bella. I really couldn't figure out what his obsession was with knowing; but I was having fun withholding the information from him, just because.

"Man Edward. You're never like this. Just tell me, or did you take her somewhere bad? What are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding; it's just no big deal. Drop it!"

I turned as I heard Alice's thoughts coming. She was talking to Bella who was more withdrawn than normal, it seemed, by my sisters thoughts. I watched them enter and felt a sense of relief as Bella came closer. It always seemed that way; I felt more comfortable when she was near and I knew she was ok.

Bella came and sat down; her head was slightly hung but nothing dramatic. I looked at Alice, though I knew she had no answers. She simply shrugged.

I passed Bella over the lunch that Esme had packed, when the bag touched Bella she jumped. "Here's something Esme made."

Bella glanced towards me without meeting my eye. "Tell her thanks."

Emmett who was completely oblivious to the undercurrent boomed out. "Bella I gotta know, where did Eddie boy run off with you?"

"Not now Emmett!"

Bella looked up wide eye and looked between Emmett and me. I sighed. "Just ignore him Bella."

Emmett shook his head. "No, Bella please tell me where you went, Edward won't share with the class."

Poor Bella was completely confused as she glanced at me. "Is it a secret?"

It wasn't. How did I explain to her that Emmett was nosey and just wanted to harass me. "No, it's not." I gave her a small smile that I hoped she caught out of the corner of her eye.

She looked at Emmett. "Oh, well we took a run?" She was obviously still confused by the undercurrents going on.

"You ran? That's it?"

Bella glanced over at me and met my eye, looking slightly upset. I tried to communicate that I wasn't mad at her. "It's ok, tell him."

Bella looked between Emmett and me and finally just blurted out. "We talked. In a tree. He took me up a huge tree with an awesome view and we just talked." Bella looked to me to see if what she said was ok.

"See Emmett, nothing you needed to know about!"

"Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, you took the girl on a run and climbed a tree?" Emmett shook his head in mock distain. "Bella you gotta hang with me. I'll show you fun. Climbing a tree," he snorted. "Leave it to me. I'll think of something!" Emmett started picking out things that he wanted to do with Bella that would be "fun". He lingered on taking Bella hunting with him and I growled and kicked him in the shin. _Yeah, forget that, probably not the best idea, but I'll think of something!_

Bella tentatively started eating the sandwich that Esme packed for her and kept quiet the rest of lunch. She didn't seem depressed but distant. I was trying to figure out her mood and what cause the shift and why she was acting like she was.

When she finished the sandwich she got up to leave saying she needed to get some studying done at the library and she would catch us later. She left a wake of confusion behind her.

"Do you know what's going on?" Alice asked.

"What? Going on with what?" Emmett was clueless.

Alice huffed. "With Bella! She's withdrawn and quiet and wouldn't look at Edward. What happened?" She asked me.

I shrugged. "I have no clue."

Jasper looked me dead in the eye. "Boy, did you listen to nothing I said yesterday? With Bella it will always be one step forward and two steps back. Give her time. She'll come 'round; I'm sure of it."

Alice looked between Jasper and I and started bouncing in her seat. "One step forward? What step would that be?"

Emmett was completely confused and trying to figure out what we were talking about. There was no way I was discussing this; so I smiled at Alice, patted her on the head and got up to leave. "Nothing, I need to go to class." I winked at her as I turned.

"I will find out Edward!" She threatened and promised as I walked away.

I left and slowly walked to my class wondering if what Jasper said was true. Did Bella see Saturday as a step forward so she was pulling back? If so why? Did she not want to move forward? Jasper seemed to not think that was the case. Move forward into what? I was so clueless as to what Bella was thinking and confused by what I was thinking about everything; I just knew I didn't want her to feel pressured into doing something that she didn't want to.

I watched over Bella on Monday night. She was quiet as she worked but again didn't seem depressed, just deep in thought. Her friend called her and she talked for a while about nothing much. Tuesday she ate lunch and again was quiet. Her eyes were back to being more empty than expressive and her reserved attitude was noticed by the entire family. In class that night she barely said two words and kept her attention to the front of class, avoiding Alice and me; though if asked a direct question she would answer. Wednesday was more of the same. Even in Bible study that night she was quiet and kept to herself.

By Thursday I was ready to tear my hair out. I kept thinking this quiet Bella was my fault. I had pushed her at her door. Either she was upset that I almost kissed her and she didn't want me even that close, or she was mad that I hadn't kissed her. At this point I didn't know what to think. Jasper was constantly laughing at me in his head and teasing me.

Bella came in and sat down at lunch and gave me a timid smile. I was ecstatic. Not only was she here, I had been worried she would go straight to the hospital and not come to lunch, but she gave me a smile; I didn't care how small it was.

Bella talked with everyone, though not as much as she had before Saturday. I was coming to enjoy lunch as my favorite time of the day. For the first time I looked forward to being with my siblings and interacting with them. It was no long droll and pedantic. Seeing them with Bella and watching her interact with them, brought a new joy to my interactions with my family. I still couldn't believe a human could change us all so.

Friday Bella remained slightly reserved but gave a small chuckle at something Emmett said. I was elated. Bella's laughter was the sweetest music there was. I could spend eternity listening to it.

Emmett was teasing Bella about her choices of human food when Bella's phone rang. She looked startled and glanced to see who was calling. Her face quickly morphed into her old solid mask of emptiness. The contrast was startling to see so quickly. She excused herself and walked to an open table a few away from where we were.

All 5 of us were trained on her conversation.

Bella took a deep breath. "Hello Phil."

"Hi Bella. How are you doing?"

"I'm ok. You?"

"I'm ok, do you have a few minutes?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"First, I have the schedule. We need you to be here and ready at 7:00 am on December 2nd. Do you want me to make flight arrangements for you?"

Bella's back was to us, but the tension in her body was calling out. I didn't need to listen to Jasper's thoughts to get a read that she was stressed and upset. "No that's ok. I can do it myself."

There was a pause. "Where will you be staying? Are you going home?"

Bella pulled her legs into her chest and whispered. "No, I'll make a reservation at a hotel."

"Ok, let me know if you need help with anything. Umm. Ok, here's the thing. I'm telling you this so you know before anyone else tells you, but don't worry there's not a problem."

"What?"

"Quil has appealed. You will not have to testify or be at any hearings in regards to it. Jenks says it's a formality and there won't be an issue. I don't want you to worry about it. Again, I'm only telling you so that you aren't surprised if someone else mentions it. "

"Ok."

"Bella, I mean it; don't worry! Focus on the upcoming trial and getting through that. Quil is behind bars and will stay there."

"Ok."

"Take care of yourself and we'll see you soon."

"Bye." Bella hung up her phone and sat in her chair not moving for a while. My siblings and I just kept looking at each other each with our own thoughts piecing together that Bella was leaving for a trial and that there had already been one. How many people were involved in the destruction of her past?

Bella finally stood up and came back over to our table. She looked broken. I reached out a hand and grabbed hers. I couldn't not offer her comfort. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm ok. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Who was that?" Jasper asked, wanting to see what Bella would reveal. Jasper had decided to push her a bit. This is an area where Carlisle and Jasper disagreed. Jasper wanted to push Bella harder than Carlisle did. His reasoning was they had little time to work with and Bella obviously had a lot to deal with. Right now he was going to push lightly, see what Bella was willing to tell us and how her story matched with what we knew. Would she lie or skirt the truth? He wanted to gage the best way to move forward in helping her.

"Umm, I have to go somewhere in December and it was just a call confirming dates."

"Where are you going?"

Bella looked around at us uneasily. I lightly squeezed the hand I was holding. "I have to give testimony in a trial." She looked down in an obvious bid to close the conversation.

Jasper pressed. "Really? Anything serious?"

Bella paled. She started packing up had bag and got up to leave. I held her hand. "Bella, it's ok, you don't have to say anything."

Bella squeezed my hand. "I need to go." She took off quickly leaving a table of confusion behind her.

* * *

AN: In case you missed it. I have added a 4th Out Take. This is Bella's POV from chapters 2 & 3. The big thing you will see is how instant and Earth shattering the moment they meet and mate is. You miss this in Edward's POV because he is so consumed by Bella's lack of readable thoughts and her scent. The pull he feels is mixed in with all the rest. Bella doesn't have those distractions so feels it, but is completely clueless as to what is going on or why. As I explained to a reader, the mating is like imprinting in SM's world of wolves. Only stronger because it is mutual. There is nothing given away in the out take that will be a spoiler for this story.

Next I am in the process of re-beta'ing my chapters. Dani has offered to help me get on Twilighted, so if you go back and notice a few changes that is why. Nothing in the plot will be affected, just new commas or tense changes, things like that.

As always I own nothing of the characters, they are all SM

Thank you to Ronnie and Nissa for giving me your thoughts and support. Without you both I don't think I would still be writing.

Rec this week. "Hate Me" by xrxdanixrx. Oh my word. A Bella and Edward you LOVE to hate and that are playing games with each other. It is AWESOME and hilarious!

Please review. I am expecting more than one of you to reconvene the "Edward is an idiot club" and possibly a new "Bella is pissing me off club" to get going! LOL If you are interested I am on Twitter - CatMasterChelle, and send updates of what I am doing. Also come join us on Twilighted. I have been sharing a bit more plot over there if you're interested.

Links for everything mentioned are on my profile.


	23. Homecoming

**AN - There is vulgarity in this chapter**

**Chapter 23 – Homecoming**

I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror, pulling my hair in frustration, trying to get it to lie down and behave. I don't know what made me think that tonight, for the first time in over 100 years, it would do as I asked, but I hoped it would. This was my fifth time in the bathroom fixing my hair. I would finally get it to lay still and behave; then I would get frustrated and impatient and run my hands through it making it all fly in various directions again.

Bella was downstairs right now. I listened to her heart beat and let it sooth and calm me. My angel was in Alice's room, being primped and made up for this evening. Poor Bella had been in Alice's room for four hours now, and I had heard more than one impatient sigh and complaint that Alice brushed off.

I wanted so badly to look into Alice's mind and see what Bella looked like and be with her at least in a trivial way. Alice, though, had threatened me, and told me I was not allowed to peek. I had no clue how I had resisted the temptation so far. Actually, being gone from the house most of the afternoon hunting was the only reason I had survived. The last 30 minutes since I got home had been sheer torture.

I gave up on my hair and walked downstairs to wait for Bella. Jasper was already down there laughing at me because I was so nervous. _Why are you so riled up? This isn't your first Homecoming._

I sighed. "This is the first time I've ever brought a girl with me anywhere. Plus, it's Bella. We'll be surrounded by randy frat boys, and I'm worried what will happen."

_So, basically, just first date jitters?_

I growled. "This isn't a date!"

Emmett walked in and laughed. "Edward, you're bringing a girl to dinner and a dance. If that isn't a date, what is it?"

"It isn't a DATE! We're friends. We both need to be there. We're just going together, as it makes sense."

They both started laughing at me. Jasper was clutching his side. "Edward, it's a date. Just trust me. Stop living in the land of delusion. Come join the real world for once!"

"Speaking of which, I consider Bella a little sister. So bro, what are your intentions? Do I need to set a curfew for you?"

"Dammit, will you two stop it!"

Carlisle and Esme walked in on our discussion. "Edward! Language!" Esme chided.

Carlisle was laughing as well. "Edward, I don't know what you're so upset about. You're more than 100 years old; it's about time you started dating!"

"Oh no, not you too! Will you all please stop? You're going to make Bella uncomfortable. "

_Here we come! Tell everyone to get ready._ "The girls are done," Alice said.

All five of us looked up and saw Rosalie descending the stairs. She was graceful and poised, in a dark pink dress that bared one shoulder. Her eyes were on Emmett. Both of their thoughts were on each other and reflected their love and bond.

Alice came next, sashaying down the stairs with a slight spring in her step. Her emerald dress had strategic cut outs showing some of her stomach and back. Jasper's thoughts were consumed with the beauty of his mate.

Alice was excited for everyone to see Bella. She turned and watched the stairs. "Ok, Bella, it's your turn!"

I could hear Bella mutter, seemingly to herself, not knowing we all could hear her. "Stupid pixie thinks I can walk down the stairs in a floor length gown with heels. If I trip and die, I bet she'll be sorry." The other members of my family all laughed quietly under their breath, but I worried that Bella would hurt herself; she was clumsy enough when not wearing heels.

I kept my eyes trained on the top of the stairs, listening to her heartbeat getting closer. Suddenly, my breath stopped. There was my angel. She was in a beautiful deep sapphire dress that hugged her tiny body and showed curves I wasn't even aware she had. Jasper laughed when my pants started tightening and lust was rolling off me. _Stand down Edward. Think of Aro dancing naked with Felix._ I shuddered at the thought and felt my pants loosen. Aro was the head of the Volturi, and Felix was part of the guard who felt threatened by me. The image of them dancing naked . . . my body did a full shiver.

My eyes had never left Bella, who was now walking down the stairs, slowly, measuring herself with each step in her heels. She had yet to look at any of us, or acknowledge anything but the step in front of her.

When she finally reached the bottom, I was there, holding out my arm for her to take. She placed her hand on me and looked up. Her breath caught, and her heart stuttered. I held her gaze and smiled, hoping to calm her; though I didn't think it helped.

After many moments, Emmett coughed to get Bella's attention. She ripped her gaze from mine, and looked at the rest of my family. Her jaw dropped open and everyone laughed.

"I knew my studliness would leave you speechless." Emmett winked at Bella, who was blushing. "No woman can resist me." Emmett waggled his eyebrows at her.

Rose leaned over and smacked Emmett on the head. "Shut up, idiot."

"What? It's the truth, and you know it babe."

Bella still looked incredibly uncomfortable; and I was still speechless, looking at her in awe and wonder. Thankfully, Esme stepped in and directed us all, so she could get pictures. All the men stood behind our . . . dates, sigh, and held them around the waist. I couldn't imagine how goofy my smile was, but I couldn't tame it. I was excited holding Bella to me, with her dressed to the nines. It made me feel things I had never felt before. I wondered, briefly, if this is how all human boys felt when they went on dates.

When we were done with our group pictures Esme asked for couple shots. Bella slowly started relaxing as she watched the antics of Emmett and Rose posing in ridiculous ways with each other. After they were done, Alice and Jasper stepped up and started to act like star crossed lovers from a 1920 film noir scene.

When it was our turn, Bella blushed and looked uncertain. I simply stood and took her hand and looked in her eyes. Esme started snapping pictures immediately. I saw, through her mind, that we did look like a natural couple. I turned Bella then, so instead of a side shot of us looking at each other, we were now posed with me behind her, holding her against my chest with her looking over her shoulder into my eyes. I whispered for her to smile, and my breath caught as she did. She truly was a beautiful angel tonight.

Once pictures were done and everyone said their good-byes to Carlisle and Esme, we were off. I walked Bella outside, and she turned to go to my Audi. I tugged her in a different direction and brought her to my Aston Martin Vanquish.

Bella's eyes popped out of her head. "What's this?"

I simply laughed. "This, Bella, is my going out on the town car."

"Going out on the town car? How many cars do you have?"

I continued laughing while I opened the door and helped her inside. I quickly got in the car and started it up, loving the deep purr of the engine. "I have many, many cars."

Bella mumbled under her breath. "Wow"

Earlier, I had heard Bella complain to Alice about the extravagance of her gown and jewelry. She was upset about the money that had been spent on her. I contemplated for a few seconds if I should explain how very inconsequential money was to us. I finally figured the issue would continue to come up until it was explained.

"Bella, can I explain something to you?"

Bella turned in her seat, giving me her full attention.

"You know I can read minds. You know Alice can see the future. How do you think those gifts translate in Vegas and the stock market?" I saw Bella consider what I said, and her eyes grew. I looked at her and nodded. "Yes Bella, we are exceedingly rich. If you are talking liquid assets that are located in the United States we have over one billion dollars available. That does not include the properties, art, jewels or other items that are not liquid. Nor does it count such items or accounts overseas, of which we have many. I know you don't like us to spend money on you; but please, understand we could all lavish you with millions of dollars in gifts and not dent our bottom line. Please just accept what we have to offer, and don't let money concern you."

I was scared, wondering if I had said too much and frightened her. Bella was not someone to be wooed or impressed with money, nor would I use our accounts to do so. I knew, though, our spending habits needed to be explained, so she would no longer be so upset at the littlest thing that was bought for her.

"Wow. I guess I've never thought of money in such large amounts. It's kinda scary to think about."

"Then don't. I don't want to scare you. I just want you to know, you don't have to worry about any spending sprees Alice subjects you to." I winked at her, and was excited to get a small chuckle back.

"I haven't told you. You are exquisite tonight. I know you will put every woman to shame, and I thank you that you are allowing me to be your escort."

Bella huffed. "Edward, I don't compare to you, at all." If she only knew how true her statement was. I think she'd agree we didn't compare for very different reasons, which upset me. "Not to mention your sisters. Did you see them? They are beautiful and amazing. I'm only sorry you have to go with me when I'm sure there will be much prettier women there."

I growled. "Bella, I asked you because I want to go with you. You're perfect and beautiful and no one will be able to take their eyes off you. Please don't put yourself down. You are perfect, and I will listen to nothing different." I know my voice was hard, but she needed to understand; she was perfect. Her self-image was in tatters. Nothing would bring me the satisfaction it would when I finally knew the names of the humans who would die at my hands for making this angel think she was anything less than what she was.

Bella sat quietly next to me after my tirade, until we got to the door of the hotel where the dinner and dance were held. I pulled into valet parking and growled to myself when the valet opened _my_ angel's door, and took her hand to help her out. I quickly exited my side, and softly pulled Bella to me. I felt her tense slightly, and mentally slapped my head for my brainless move. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Is it ok if I hold you close? I just want to make sure you're alright."

Bella bit down on her bottom lip and nodded. "I'm sorry. I promise it's ok; I'm just not use to being close to someone. It startled me. It's ok."

I nodded and escorted her to the lobby to wait for my siblings. They arrived shortly, and we all ventured into the ballroom, where everything was taking place. Bella slowed down and paused. I turned to her and took both of her hands in mine. I noticed they were cold. "Are you ok?"

Bella chewed on her bottom lip; her eyes dilated in fear. She took a deep breath and grasped my hands tightly and looked at me. "Yes, I am. Please, can you not leave me for a bit?"

I smiled down softly. "I promise to not leave you for one minute if you don't want me to."

Bella nodded again, released one of my hands, and turned to go in the ballroom. I saw her square her shoulders and prepare to face whatever demons she saw in the room, that were invisible to the rest of us. I committed that I would not leave her side for one second tonight. I would not lose control of myself, and I would be there for her.

_Holy Shit is that Bella? Damn, she is FuckHOT!_

_Man, who's that hot piece of ass with Masen? Too bad he's a prude; I doubt he'd share._

_Damn, she looks highly spankable._

_Here I always thought Masen was gay. Wonder how long he's been nailing that._

_No wonder Edward's been in a happier mood. If I had those lips sucking my dick, I'd be happy too. Fucking lucky Asshole._

I was on overload and started to crouch into a defensive pose when Jasper was instantly by my side, holding my shoulder and sending waves of calm at me. _What is goin' on? I have never felt rage like this from you before._ Jasper tried to pull me out of the room, but I wouldn't let him. _Come on, let's go out in the lobby to re-group and calm down. Don't make a scene. You're scaring Bella._

I turned and looked down at the fear and terror in Bella's eyes. There was also concern and sadness behind the fear. I took a deep breath. "Can you give me a moment? Let's go to the lobby." I knew my voice was strained with the effort to not give into my impulse to kill every man in the room who had an unsavory thought about Bella, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Jasper led me out to the lobby with Bella at my side. Quickly, my other siblings filtered out to join us. _Ok now. What's going on? What set you off like that?_ Jasper still had a firm hand on my shoulder, his physical connection making his influence of my emotions stronger.

"I wasn't prepared for the thoughts of the average frat boy." I gave a pointed glance at Bella.

Emmett laughed, but my other siblings looked concerned. Alice and Rose grabbed Bella and told her they needed to do some touch ups in the bathroom. I cringed and felt empty when she walked away. I had promised I wouldn't leave her side; and not even five minutes later, I was watching her walk away as I tried to get my rage under control.

"Ok, now let's talk. What's the problem? What are they thinking that has you so out of control?" Jasper was truly concerned and Emmett still thought the entire thing was hilarious.

I explained a few of the choice phrases I had been privy to and Emmett's smile twisted to rage. I snorted. Jasper growled. "Dammit, Emmett! Not you too! I can barely control Edward. I don't need your anger added to it. "

Both Emmett and I were chagrined and tried to rein ourselves in. "Sorry Jasper, but no one had better lay one finger on Bella tonight!"

"Don't worry, Emmett, I won't be leaving her side for one minute."

"Ok, fine. Edward, please just think through this. Did any of those meatheads think anything different about Bella then they have thought about any other girl, including Alice or Rose?"

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I knew where Jasper was going with this, but he was wrong. "No. The difference is neither Alice nor Rose is dealing with everything Bella is. Neither of them is human with the frailties and weakness that Bella has. Neither of them . . . " I gulped before continuing. "Neither of them is my date," I whispered.

"Ok, has anything ever happened to Alice or Rose?"

"No, but they can take care of themselves. Plus, Alice is always looking ahead at our futures and staves off any potential problems."

Emmett nodded. He was now fully invested in our conversation. He really did consider Bella a baby sister, and right now he was in full out protective, big brother mode. Jasper, too, was concerned. I could read the thoughts in the back of his head, no matter how he tried to hide them. He was trying to give all three of us logic at this point to assure us she would be ok tonight.

"There are five fully capable vampires here. She will never be left alone. You know this. I know this. Yes, the thoughts are probably a lot to take in, but try to ignore them Edward. Scaring Bella is not how any of us want this night to go. No one will harm her. We will all make sure of that. "

I knew he was right. Logically everything he said was true. There was no way that anyone would hurt Bella; still it didn't sit well with me for her to be in a room, being looked at with lust like she would be. She deserved better. I sighed letting him know I heard and understood him.

A few minutes later the girls came back and Bella searched my eyes to see if I was ok. I smiled as best as I could to offer her the assurance that everything was ok. I doubt she believed it.

Bella reached out a tentative hand towards me and I took it. I felt a calm wash through my whole body as our hands touched. It amazed me how Bella's touch could both sooth and excite me.

As a family we walked back into the ballroom, and I made sure to focus on Bella with everything I had, to distract me from the thoughts of those around me. I drank in her beauty. I tried to step back and look at her with a critical eye. I could see her collar bones protruding and pronounced with her slight weight. Behind the natural looking make-up that she was wearing, I could see the dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. Her skin had been smoothed by lotion, but I could still see the frailness from lack of nutrition. Even with all I could see, she was still beautiful.

After my slight tantrum it seemed we were running late and dinner was about to start. We found our table and sat down. My family was together, and there were two other couples at our table as well. Neither was a brother I was close to; I simply nodded at them. I did smile to myself when I saw that my family had arranged it so that we were sitting between them as couples. Jasper and Alice were on my right and Emmett and Rose were on Bella's left. Bella was surrounded by my family and fully protected.

Bella leaned over to me and whispered in my ear. "What will you all do? You don't eat human food!" I could hear the concern in her voice. Never had anyone had such concern for me. Carlisle concern after he changed me was close. Even that was not as all encompassing as Bella's concern. She always worried about others; when she directed her concern to me it made me feel warmed.

"Don't worry. We've done this before. Alice placed a baggie in your purse, right?" Bella nodded. "Well plan on leftovers." I winked at her as my meaning set in.

"Oh, that's sneaky."

"All part of the charade."

Dinner passed with no incident. Our four tablemates were all good friends and kept their conversation mainly to themselves, and we kept to ourselves. I watched Bella slowly relax and start joking with Emmett who was next to her. I was pleased to see Bella eat her whole dinner. When she was done she placed a hand on her stomach saying she was stuffed. I smiled, glad to hear it.

When dinner was done the music started up for dancing to begin. I saw the trepidation on Bella's face. "What's wrong?"

"I can't dance."

I smiled. "Yes you can. It's all in the leading." I stood up and held my hand out to her. "Will you do me the honor?"

Bella's hand shook as she placed it in mine. I grasped it firmly while making a conscious effort to not hold her hand too tightly. Constantly remembering how much pressure to use when touching and holding Bella was becoming second nature, but I would never be able to just touch her without thought.

I led Bella to the dance floor and lightly placed a hand at her waist, my fingers gracing her back. She shivered lightly, and her heart skipped a beat before speeding up. "I promise I won't let you fall," I told her.

I moved to my right indicating with my arms and body which direction I was going in. I somewhat exaggerated my leading so Bella could easily follow my cues. We had been dancing for two songs before I felt her shoulders slowly relax and some of the tension leave her body. She smiled up at me and the brilliance almost blinded me. "I'm dancing!"

"Yes Angel, you are."

Bella shook her head. "I'm not an angel."

I simply smiled. I wouldn't argue with her about this. She was an angel whether she agreed or not.

We had danced a few more songs when I led her off the dance floor. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Yes please, a soda." Bella looked uncertainly at me. "Can I go with you to get it?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

Bella took a deep breath and smiled.

"I notice you never drink alcohol. Is there a reason?"

Bella shrugged. "I don't like to lose control. Bad things happen when you aren't in control."

I simply nodded. Though I wanted to press, a Homecoming dance didn't seem the best place, especially when Bella was still wound so tightly. She grasped my hand as we moved off the dance floor to the bar. Her head darted in every direction watching all the people and observing what was going on.

I leaned into her ear. "Bella, I promise, no one will hurt you. I won't allow it. I'm listening to the thoughts of every person in this room and no one will be allowed to harm you." I didn't tell her what some of the thoughts I was hearing were. When we had danced on the dance floor it took incredible effort to keep a calm façade for Bella as I listened to thoughts about her and witnessed images of her naked, performing various sexual acts in the minds of the boys around me. Jasper may be right; they were normal thoughts of young men They all thought the same type of thing of most of the girl's present, but Bella was not just a girl; she was much more.

When we got to the bar we ran into Ben and Angela. For me it was a quiet respite from the rancid thoughts that some of my fraternity brothers were engaging in. Ben tended to keep his thoughts from descending into decadence and Angela's mind matched his nicely.

We all talked for a bit when Bella indicated that she needed to use the rest room. I quickly looked for either of my sisters to accompany her when Angela grabbed her hand and took off to the bathroom with Bella. I was startled. I knew logically that nothing would happen to her in there; but if she was in there alone with no protection, I knew that something would happen to her.

Ben turned to talk to a brother that came to the bar. I quickly made an excuse to leave and followed Bella to the bathroom. I waited across the hall and listened to make sure she was ok. She wasn't talking but I could distinguish her heart beat. I had been listening to it so often, focused on each beat, that I would now recognize it anywhere. The beat was slightly elevated but nothing causing me to think there was an issue at this time. I surmised she was lost in a memory.

I continued to focus on that beat, letting it calm me. I graced over the thoughts in the bathroom and heard more than one girl spewing jealousy because Bella was with me. It amazed me to see Bella through their eyes. She was distorted into a dull, gaunt creature, nothing close to the reality of what she was. The petty jealousies of college girls rarely gave me pause, but tonight I was angered that their thoughts were so uncharitable. I found myself referring to the few ladies partaking in such thoughts by vulgar names that would cause Esme to yell.

The door opened and Lauren Mallory came out. She saw me standing across the hall and came up to me placing a hand on my chest. I shuddered. She thought it was because I was turned on; no it was because I was repulsed by her touch. I took her hand and pulled it off my chest. "Good evening Lauren. Are you enjoying the dance?"

Lauren batted her eyelashes thinking she was sexy. I thought she looked hideous. "It's alright. I can think of a few things to make it better."

"Really? Have you talked to your date? I'm sure he can help make your night more pleasurable."

Lauren snorted. "I doubt it. Though I'm sure you can help me out." As Lauren said this she again placed a hand on my chest, rubbing it back and forth. Bella came out of the bathroom and her eyes found us mere steps from where she was.

I again took Lauren's hand from my chest. "Lauren there is nothing I can or want to help you with." I glanced at Bella, hoping she wasn't upset or getting the wrong idea of what was going on.

Lauren was not deterred. She sneered. "You're here with Bella Swan, the little church mouse that wouldn't know how to satisfy a man like a real woman could. Trust me you can do much better than her. I'd be happy to do anything I could to make you happy. Bella has no clue what a man needs."

I saw Bella's entire body fall as she heard Lauren's words. I was livid. My beautiful angel had braved so much coming here tonight. She had stepped out of her comfort zone, and in one fell swoop Lauren had destroyed it all.

I pushed Lauren, none to gently, out of my way. "Yeah, I'm sure you think you can satisfy a man. The type of man you want to satisfy would be happy with **any** girl that spread her legs or her mouth and moaned in appreciation. A woman like Bella is much more discerning, and that makes her a jewel to be treasured and not soiled by the likes of you." I softly took Bella by her waist. "Come Angel, ignore the rabble around here. Some girls don't know what it takes to be a real woman. I'm grateful you do!"

I walked us back into the dance, passed the dance floor and walked to a wall with a few doors open to the outside. I pulled Bella along with me and sought out a semi-secluded place for us to talk, but where she could keep an eye on the hall and feel safe. I didn't want her to think I was taking her away to cause her harm. As we passed to go outside Rose caught my attention asking if everything was ok. I gave her a short nod knowing she would be keeping a close eye on us and trying to figure out what happened.

When I found a spot by a tree not far from the ballroom, I stopped and turned to Bella. "Please do not let anything that jealous harpy said affect you. She was wrong."

Bella sighed and looked down at the ground. I wanted her to look at me. I could read nothing without seeing her eyes. I was starting to understand what I saw in them and could hopefully guess the direction of her thoughts. When she looked down I was completely at a loss as to what she was thinking or feeling. "It's true though."

"No! It isn't."

Bella whispered. "Yes, Edward, it is. I don't know anything about pleasing a man. I'm nothing more than a little girl dressed up in play clothes, wearing mommy's make-up. I'm pretending to be something I'm not. I can't compete with any of those girls in there. Not a single one."

Damn Lauren to HELL!

I took a deep breath. I knew I needed to stay composed and not let any of the anger I felt out in my voice. "You're right Bella. You can't compete with a single girl in there." I watched her shoulders fall even further. I gently reached down and pulled her chin up so she had to look me in the eye. "You so far out shine every girl in there. There is no competition. Not to me."

Bella stared in my eyes. I held my breath waiting for her to say something. A full minute and thirty-six seconds passed before she nodded and gave me a tentative smile. I smiled back, giddy in her acceptance of me and my thoughts of her.

"Let's go dance some more. Shall we?" I led Bella back into the ballroom by placing my hand on her back, which again caused her to shiver and her heart to skip a beat. I didn't know the cause of her reaction every time I touched her back, and I didn't know how to ask if my touch upset her because of her scars. While her reaction could indicate fear, I didn't think that was it. I didn't know if I should ask or leave it.

As we entered the ballroom we found my siblings all standing close to the doors. Alice came over and hugged Bella, glancing at me over her shoulder. "Is everything ok?"

Bella nodded and I replied. "Yeah, we're good for now."

Emmett clapped me on the shoulder. "Dances are a whole lot different when you bring a date instead of going stag. About time you found that out!"

I rolled my eyes and walked away, taking Bella to the dance floor with me. We slowly started dancing and Bella looked at me. "What did Emmett mean?"

I rolled my eyes and smirked. "Ignore him. He thinks he's funny."

Bella considered me. "Edward," she asked with much hesitation in her voice. "How many times have you gone to a fraternity formal affair?"

"Sixty-three."

"How many times have you brought a date?"

"This is the first time."

Bella took a deep breath. "Why?"

"Why what? Why have I never brought a date before? Or why did I bring you tonight?"

"Both I guess."

I shrugged. "I've never wanted to go with anyone before. Never has anyone captured my attention like you do. I know it was hard for you to come tonight; and there is nowhere I would rather be, than by your side, walking with you the whole way."

As Bella reflected my words, I watch emotions flash across her face. Anger, sadness, confusion and joy seemed to revolve in a never ending cycle. I couldn't take not knowing what she was thinking. "Tell me. What are you thinking?"

"I don't know. A lot of things. I can't really explain it."

"Can you please try?"

Bella took a deep breath. "Well, I don't understand. I'm Bella. Just plain Bella. There's nothing extraordinary about me, nothing to draw you in. I don't want to be a pity date; but at the same time, I can't deny that I've had more fun tonight, with you, than I have in a long time. "

Bella looked down at our feet. "Bella, you aren't a pity date. You are an extraordinary woman with whom I am proud and excited to be dancing with. Never doubt that."

Bella looked and me. "I promise to try."

"If you ever doubt it, tell me. I'll take your doubts away."

Bella smiled. We continued dancing and talking the night away. Bella was right. This was the most amazing night I had had in recent memory. She was articulate, funny and incredibly insightful. Plus I never knew what she would say or do next. I was always on my toes trying to keep up with the crazy direction her thoughts took her.

When the dance was over and Bella said good-bye to my brothers and sisters, I took her and gently led her to my car. She curled up in the seat and smiled at me. I smiled back then slowly drove to her house. I tried to tell myself I was driving slowly to keep Bella safe, but I knew it was a lie. I didn't want to rush. I wanted every minute possible with her.

Bella sat next to me and yawned repeatedly. "I didn't know I was so boring. If we ever go a dance again, I will endeavor to hold your attention better." I teased.

Bella playfully smacked my arm. "Ouch, you are all solid. Anyway, you were a wonderful date. Not all of us though are lucky enough to not need sleep! We can't all be vampires you know."

"Is your hand ok? It's true we can't all be vampires, and even angels need their sleep, right?"

"My hand's fine, and I'm not an angel."

I simply smiled at her.

I pulled into Bella's driveway and got out of the car to open her door. She stepped out and allowed me guide her to her front door. I turned and looked at her. "Thank you Bella. I had an incredible time tonight. I owe it all to you."

Bella blushed, and the scent of her blood carried on the air. I breathed it in; allowing the burn to ignite further, reveling in it, knowing I only felt it around Bella. I didn't care that it hurt; it was part of Bella. "Thank you Edward. Really, you don't know what tonight meant to me."

Bella looked up at me just as I bent down to capture her eyes. Our faces stopped less than an inch from each other. I gazed in her eyes that were dilated and wide. As I took a breath in, she breathed out. It was torture and heaven combined. Bella's heart started beating faster and her scent deepened and become overpowering. But it wasn't her blood; it was something else, something primal. It called to me as a woman calls to a man.

Bella slowly drew her bottom lip in her mouth and I groaned softly. I wanted to . . . no, I needed to taste her. To see if her lips were as soft and enticing as they looked. I gulped. Did Bella want this like I did? I pulled my eyes from her beautiful lips and looked deep into her eyes. There wasn't an ounce of apprehension in them. They were open and trusting and . . . something else that I couldn't place, but that made my extremely hard erection twitch in delight.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I leaned in towards Bella, giving her every chance to pull away. She didn't. I looked at her lips again and softly brushed mine against hers allowing them to connect for mere seconds.

Bella's breath whooshed out of her and her eyes fluttered closed. I couldn't help myself; I need to touch her lips again. I leaned back in and brushed her lips with mine, this time adding a tiny bit more pressure. My whole body responded. Every muscle contracted, wanting to pull this angel into me. I fought my desires and left my hands where they had settled. Without knowing how, I had pulled Bella to me and she was now in the embrace of my arms. I couldn't help but feel this was where she belonged.

I went back to her lips a third time and tenderly kissed her slightly harder, but still with all the care and gentleness I could. I would not force anything from her. I left my lips there and moved them against hers. The feeling of her soft, warm lips molding to my hard, cold ones affected me to my very core.

I continued kissing her. It was the most natural thing in the world. It was as if she and I were made for kissing. I wanted more. I wanted to deepen the kiss but was so enthralled with the simple touching of our lips I didn't know if I could handle more.

I pulled back slightly to change the angle I was connecting to her with. I heard and felt her sigh as she reached her hands up and gripped the lapels of my tuxedo jacket. I held her closer to me, needing to feel her with every fiber of my being.

We kissed for days. At least it felt like that to me. It was wonderful. It was exhilarating. I had never kissed a girl before, but now I got what the fuss was about. Never could I have guessed that kissing a girl would be like this.

When Bella gasped for air I pulled back chastising myself. I had been so caught up in the wonder of kissing her, feeling her lips with mine, I forgot her humanity, her need to breathe.

I placed one last chaste kiss against her lips and brushed the back of my fingers against her cheek. "You are beautiful." Bella sighed and blushed. "Go get some sleep, my angel. I'm sure Alice will be calling early for all the details." I winked and she laughed at me.

"I'm sure she will." She looked down for a minute and glanced up at me through her eye lashes. "Good night, Edward." She turned and went in her house closing and locking the door behind her.

I turned; nothing could wipe the smile off my face. I was elated. I was a man reborn. I was Zeus himself, ruling from Mount Olympus and in charge of the world. I got in my car and drove off. I needed to get home, NOW; then I needed to get back here, so I could watch my angel sleep.

I got home and sped upstairs to get out of my tux. My family was in the living room and laughed as I came through. "Wanna tell us how your night went?" Emmett asked.

"Good."

Carlisle laughed. "Good? Do you wish to expand on that?"

Alice interrupted. "Don't think of leaving your tux on your couch, hang it up!" I rolled my eyes at my ever seeing sister and her finicky ways, but I started to hang my tuxedo up.

"Yes, it was good."

"Did Bella have a good time?" Emmett asked.

I couldn't keep the smile from my voice. "I'm sure she did. Ask her yourself."

Jasper chimed in. "Edward! What am I feeling from you? What all happened when you took Bella home?"

I was out of my tux and looking through my closet for something I could wear tonight that wouldn't get too dirty and would be fine for church tomorrow. "Nothing . . ."

Alice laughed. "Oh Edward, you have to try better than that." I was so glad I wasn't able to blush, as I'm sure I would be beet red at this point. I was also glad my family was downstairs and couldn't see the stupid grin I knew was still on my face.

"You aren't getting out of here until we get some answers!" Emmett stated. I knew he was right. My family was exceedingly nosey and they would want to know about my first kiss ever. Well my first four kisses ever. My stupid grin got bigger. I went downstairs to face all six of them.

Alice bounced up and squealed. "Oh my GOSH! You kissed her didn't you!"

I smiled and nodded my head. Commotion ensued. My family wanted all the details of the night, in particular my kiss. I was so full of enthusiasm at that point that I stood there gushing about the entire evening. When I got to the part about Bella's door step, I paused, reliving the entire thing in my head before I explained to them what happened.

"Wait, you're that excited, and you didn't even use your tongue!" Rose hit Emmett on the back of his head. I glared at him.

"No, it was an innocent kiss. Anyway I want to go see how Bella's doing." My family laughed as I bounded out the door and into my Audi. I drove much faster to Bella's house this time than I did when she was in the car. I parked in my now usual spot and ran to my tree. I was so excited. I looked at Bella's house to see where my angel was, wondering if she was sleeping already, but she wasn't in bed. She wasn't in her study or the kitchen either. I searched out; her heartbeat wasn't anywhere in the vicinity.

Bella was gone . . .

* * *

Are you all happy? they kissed? Was it a good kiss? Now where is Bella? LOL If you are mad that I left the chapter on a cliffie, then you need to get on Twitter. I planned on leaving this chapter with an aaaawwwwww right after they kissed. Then when I was wrting and had the sneaky thought of leaving the semi-cliffie. I was on Twitter and asked if I should end the chapter on an aaawwww or a cliffie and everyone that responded said they wanted a cliffie. So cliffie it is. Be happy, I was on Twitter trying to figure out if the next chapter should be REALLY long yet resolve the where is Bella question or not and TopazHeart begged me to give it resolution. So next week no cliffie; there will be resolution with Bella in that if she was kidnapped or ran it will be resolved; well as much as it can be ;) So if you want in, come visit on Twitter, CatMasterChelle, or use the link on my profile.

Ok thanks. Ronnie. Seriously girl you are awesome. She is way more than a Beta, she holds my hand, she plot checks and talks to me, she answers questions about all kinda of things. She is awesome! Nissa, You are stellar and give me so much support with each chapter, I look forward to your thoughts so much because they are awesome! I did promise her this chapter in a BPOV Out Take in the future, anyone else interested in that?

If you want to see the girls dresses, I have a Polyvore of them on my profile.

Rec this week. My Cowardly Lion by Laughablelamb. This is a super sweet, non-angsty story. If you are looking for love and sweet this is a good one.

I don't own SM characters, Please review you do still fan girl squee for everyone.


	24. Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

**Chapter 24 – Two Steps Forward One Step Back**

"She's gone! I don't know where she is. Help me find her!" I was pacing inside Bella's house, going from room to room trying to find a clue as to where she was. There was nothing. She was gone. I didn't know if someone from her past had taken her, if she had run away or if she was hurt. I know that vampires can't have panic attacks like a human can, but I was getting close to one right now.

"Ok, calm down. I'll be there in a minute." Carlisle's voice was reassuring and held no panic or worry. It gave me strength to know that he would be here soon. I didn't know what he would be able to do, but I knew just having him here, helping me find Bella would be best. I assumed he would bring the whole family. I fleetingly wondered if we should call the Denali coven to help us search.

I counted the seconds waiting for Carlisle. I continued going through every room, knowing there were no answers, but hoping I had somehow missed the clue that would tell me where my angel was and if she was ok.

Finally, eight hundred fifty-three seconds later, Carlisle's thoughts let me know he was coming. I waited for him in Bella's bedroom, tugging at my hair in frustration.

"She's gone. I don't know where she is. What if she was taken? What if she's hurt? I don't know where she is. She's just gone. Carlisle, what do we do? We have to find her."

Carlisle placed a hand on my shoulder. _Son, I need you to calm down_

"No! I can't calm down! I need to know where she is."

"Ok Edward! You can stay here pacing and yelling, or we can do something proactive. Get control of yourself, or this will take a lot longer."

Carlisle was right. I ran my hands over my face and took a deep breath, as I tried to center myself and calm down. Bella needed me, not a whirling dervish. I took a few more deep breaths then looked at Carlisle. I could see in his thoughts that I looked less frantic, more approachable.

_Ok, tell me what's going on. What have you found in her house?_

"Nothing! She's gone. There's nothing here." Why wasn't Carlisle getting it? Shouldn't we be going somewhere and getting help.

_I know she's gone. Was there any sign of a struggle? Anything broken or blood anywhere? Any scents of human that you don't recognize?_

"No nothing like that."

_Are her doors locked?_

I didn't know. I hadn't looked. I raced downstairs to check, and yes both the front and back door were securely locked. I breathed a sigh of relief.

_Ok the doors are locked; that leads me to believe she left on her own. I saw her dress draped on her bed, so she's changed. Now Edward, I need you to do something. _I looked at him. I would do anything. _I need you to think about Bella. Don't think about your worry or fears; just think about Bella, and tell me what you feel when you do._

I nodded. I was confused, but I tried. I searched out my thoughts and feelings, and tried to focus on Bella. "I feel . . . confused and upset possibly scared . . . but not terror, just constant fear."

"Good, you aren't feeling panicked or pain?" Carlisle's voice was soothing.

"No, not really. Why are you asking me though? Shouldn't you be asking Jasper?"

Carlisle's thoughts slipped for a second, and there was the slightest glimpse of something he was hiding from me. I didn't know what to think. I wasn't use to my family hiding things from me, but I also didn't think it was my place to admonish him for wanting privacy.

_No, I think you know Bella pretty well, and can gauge her emotional state. Plus, if you think about it all, I think you might be able to come up with what's going on. Or at least a good guess._

Did Carlisle know where she was? Was that what he was hiding? "Do you know where she is? I know you're hiding something. If you know where she is, tell me!" My anger was building.

_Edward I don't know where she is. I wouldn't hide that from you. Stop and listen. Think!_

I was getting frustrated again. Did he think I knew where she was? 'Carlisle, what am I suppose to be thinking about?

_Two weeks ago Bella came over and spent the day at our house, right?_ I nodded, not seeing yet where he was heading. _Afterward she withdrew from everyone. _Again, I nodded._ Well tonight you both kissed. Could it be that she left because she needs space to think?_

I considered what he said. Was it that simple? Was Bella confused? Had I upset her? Did she not want to kiss? I thought back to just an hour ago. No, Bella definitely was responsive and interested. I didn't push her, and she had a small smile as she left. What had changed?

"That doesn't make sense. She seemed happy when I left. I didn't take advantage of her, if that's what you're suggesting!"

"Edward!" _Of course I know you didn't. But Bella is going to be analyzing everything now. I know Jasper's talked to you. With Bella it's two steps forward, one step back. You both took a huge step tonight. With Bella, I'm guessing she now needs to pull back and re-group. This was a big step, so don't be surprised if she takes a few big steps back. We know nothing of her past: how many men she's kissed, how many dances she's gone to, not to mention how that's changed with everything that's happened to her. Things with Bella will not be smooth sailing. If you're looking for easy, then you need to walk away from her. If you're looking for long lasting and rewarding, then you need to work with her at her pace, knowing there will be a lot of bumps in the road._

I didn't want to consider Bella's beautiful soft lips on anyone else, and I refused to think of walking away from her. She needed me; she needed us. I was not walking away.

"What do I do? What if she decides to leave? What if I scared her?"

Carlisle sighed. _I don't have the answers to any of that. All I can say is I don't think she'll leave. What she'll do or how she'll react, I can't answer. You need to be patient. If she pulls away don't push; let her decide when she's ready to move forward._

I nodded. I didn't like what I was hearing. I didn't want Bella to pull away because o f me. I would hate it if I hurt her. I didn't think I had pushed her at the time, but was she in the moment and got caught up like I did? I know if I had planned it I would never have kissed her, but it just seemed so right.

Carlisle patted my shoulder. _Son, I know it will be ok. I know it. Are you going to stay here? _I nodded. I knew that my being here wouldn't make Bella appear faster, but I needed to be here when she returned for my peace of mind. _If anything changes, call me. If you start feeling panicked, or have a deep sense of dread, let me know._

Carlisle left, while I stayed at Bella's. I sat still as a statue, unable to even think about moving. I let my thoughts wonder as I recalled the night and the excitement I had felt so often seeing the happiness in Bella's eyes. It was perfect seeing her dancing in my arms, and I loved the wonder in her eyes when she realized she was dancing on her own.

I stayed at Bella's, not leaving except to go to church hoping she would be there, but she wasn't. All my thoughts were focused on her wondering where she was. I didn't move, barely breathed, waited.

Finally, at one o'clock Monday morning I heard her car pull in the driveway. I breathed a sigh of relief. She had been gone for twenty-four hours, but now was back. I was in her bedroom and couldn't pull myself away. I didn't want to go to my tree. I wanted to stay here where I was closer. I didn't want to be any further from her then I had to be.

I heard her put a bag down by the door and walk in the kitchen to start water for tea. Taking a deep breath I smelled outdoors and sea salt mixed with the rich ambrosia of her natural scent. My throat burned and I relished in that burn, knowing that meant she was here and safe.

I walked quickly and silently downstairs and watched her make her tea. I doubted she had slept since she got up Saturday morning. She looked exhausted and fragile, upset and flustered; yet she couldn't be more beautiful

When she finished her tea, she put her cup in the sink and headed upstairs. I quickly ducked into the spare room she rarely went in, I listening to her heavy steps as she pulled herself to the second floor. She continually bumped into things as she got dressed. I wanted so badly to go to her and help her, all the time knowing that wasn't an option.

She had finished her nightly rituals and climbed into bed sighing. I listened steadily as her heart rate dropped, indicating she fell asleep quickly. Entering into her room I walked toward her in wonder. In sleep she looked so much more at peace than she did when awake. The worries of the day no longer caused her jaw to clench.

Though the tension was diminished, it was not gone. My angel's brow was not smooth, but slightly furrowed. I tried to resist, but I found my fingers reaching out, seemingly of their own accord, to caress her brow, hoping to smooth out the tension. I exhaled a breath I hadn't been aware of holding. As I touched her, the connection I felt to this diminutive human girl was again complete. Now my brow furrowed in confusion as to why this human girl affected me so. Slowly the tension seemed to ease from her as I continued to softly caress her.

When the tension seemed gone completely I withdrew my hand. I grimaced, suddenly feeling as if some important part of me was missing. My eyes flew to Bella as she whimpered in her sleep. I sighed. Why did everything seem so complicated? I slowly backed away from her and sat in the rocking chair in the corner. I watched her, breathing her in, drinking in the sight of her sleeping, wishing I could follow her and see what it was she dreamed about.

Eventually, what I had been anticipating happened. She started to toss and turn in her sleep with jerky movements. I continued watching, praying she would sleep through the terror she was facing. I smiled and felt like jumping for joy when her movements slowly stilled and she fell back into a peaceful slumber.

I sat watching Bella, my mind playing through all I knew about her, trying desperately to figure out why she affected me and my family the way she did. I had never heard of a human having such an effect on a coven of vampires. Honestly though, few vampires ever spent the time with a human that I've spent with Bella. If I didn't have to now worry about Bella's life, I would be tempted to contact other vampires to see if they knew anyone that had experienced something like I was.

As I sat contemplating this I became aware of Alice's thoughts intruding. What was she doing here, I wondered?

_Edward, I know you can hear me. Get down here I need to talk to you for a minute. Bella can do without your stalker attention for two minutes._

I groaned and sprang out of Bella's room. I waited for Alice to get to the trees, searching her mind for what she was doing here; but she was blocking me, humming "Ode to Joy".

She bound up to me holding out a bag. _Here's a change of clothes for you. I know you don't want to leave._ Alice winked.

I smiled. "Thanks, squirt."

Alice's face turned down. _When did she get home? How's she doing?_

"She didn't come in until almost one. I don't know where she was, but it doesn't look like she slept any of the time she was away. She fell asleep pretty quickly. I was just watching."

Alice laughed. _I know you were watching, stalker!_

I growled. "Alice, I'm not a stalker. Why would you even say that?"

Alice rolled her eyes. _Pluh-lease. Edward, you're in her room! You're watching her while she's asleep, and she doesn't know you're there? What do you call it?_

"I'm not a stalker! I'm just making sure she's safe!" Alice raised her eyes brows and gave me a pointed look. "I'm . . . I'm not stalking her." I stopped and thought. What would I say if anyone else was treating Bella like I was? "Oh my word! I AM stalking her!" I groaned feeling incredibly wretched and disgusting.

_Oh Edward! Calm down; you're fine. Gosh, just let it go. Someday you'll be in a place you can tell Bella, and I bet you both laugh about it! Edward, just stop._

I ran my hand through my hair. I felt dirty and vulgar. Alice came up and hugged, me laughing and danced off, leaving me starting up at Bella's bedroom window. I didn't know what to do. I stood staring indecisively until I heard Bella begin to whimper. Instantly I was in Bella's room wishing I could help her, knowing I couldn't. Her movements became more frantic and her heart rate sped. She started screaming, and I ran from the room the instant before her eyes opened. I stood in the hall, hiding in the shadows, watching her try to get herself under control and find the ability to fall back asleep.

I stayed watching over Bella until she started to wake up. Each time she had a nightmare, I held my breath waiting to see if I needed to leave. Each time she called my name, I analyzed the tone trying to read into what her exact thought was in that moment.

I slipped out of her window and went into the trees behind her house, quickly changing into the clothes that Alice brought for me. I loved that my sister was taking care of me. She included all the props I would need to get through my classes, I truly didn't need to go home, and I didn't plan on it.

I followed Bella to school and watched her through the eyes of her classmates. She looked exhausted and withdrawn. She sat with her shoulders hunched over, and as I watched her walk between her classes, her steps were heavy.

When it was time for lunch I followed her from class expecting her to go to the quad as she always did. No, today she walked to an off campus coffee house and took a seat in the back, away from the other patrons. I was glad to see she ordered a sandwich to eat, but was upset at her obvious avoidance of my family and me by not going to the quad.

I stood watching for a while deciding if I should go to class or keep following Bella all day. I ultimately decided to listen to my family and take their advice of leaving Bella to figure this all out. I reluctantly left for class knowing I would see her soon. I would make sure she was safe at home when my classes were done.

When I got to her house after my last class I decided I had made a bad decision. Bella wasn't home and all indications were that she hadn't been home since she had left that morning. I sighed tugging at my hair. I couldn't handle not knowing. I pulled out my phone.

Checking to see that you're ok – E

I waited for a response to my text. Three minutes and twenty-six seconds later it came.

I'm fine. – B

I growled. I was trying to figure out what I could say or what I could ask to get a full answer from her. I considered calling her but guessed she wouldn't answer her phone.

I didn't see you today and was worried. – E

I again waited while sitting on her bed wishing she was here so I could determine for myself how she looked. My phone chimed.

I'm sorry I just need some time alone. – B

Did I do something wrong? Did I upset you? – E

No. YOU did nothing wrong – B

What did that mean? Did she think she had done something wrong? Bella truly was confusing and made no sense.

Are you taking care of yourself? – E

I knew I sounded over protective, but I worried that she wouldn't be eating or making sure she was ok. Not being able to see what she was doing to assure myself that she was taking care of herself was driving me slowly crazy.

Yes Edward – B

I had to chuckle, I could hear the exasperation coming through her message.

I'm glad – E

I decided since she wasn't home, and I didn't know when she would be back, it would be best if I left now to get changed and ready for tomorrow. I knew I wouldn't want to leave when Bella came home.

I bounded through Bella's window and ran through the trees, staying away from any roads to get home. I leaped into my room directly, intending to change and leave the same way seconds later when Rose let me know she wanted to talk.

_Edward, can I talk to you for a minute? _I finished buttoning my shirt and opened my door to allow her in. She came in looking slightly distressed. _Don't give up on Bella. She's hurting right now and completely confused._

"Why? She told me I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel that she thinks she did which makes no sense to me."

Rose tilted her head considering what I had said. _Maybe she thinks she is leading you on? I doubt she's prepared for a relationship of any kind._

I snorted. "Rose, I'm a vampire. It isn't exactly like we date humans." The idea was absurd.

_Does she know that?_

"I would think it obvious and not needing explanation."

Rose was exasperated. _Edward, you went to Homecoming with her and brought her home and kissed her. You went on a date with her. Why wouldn't she think vampires date humans?_

"But why would she see that as something she did wrong?"

_Again maybe she thinks she's leading you on._

That made no sense to me. Bella had done nothing forward or untoward. How could she think she lead me on in any way? Then again, Bella's thoughts had proven to go in directions I didn't understand or expect, so it was possible Rose had a better read and idea about what Bella was thinking than I did.

"So what do I do?"

_I'm not sure exactly. I would give Bella time and if she doesn't talk to you maybe talk to her and let her know you expect nothing of her. I don't know. You'll have to be careful that it doesn't sound like you're rejecting her. I'm sure she's had enough rejection in her life. Edward, just . . . be careful. She's incredibly fragile._

"Yeah, I know."

Rose then came over and gave me a brief hug. I was shocked. Rose was never one for hugging or touching. I had no clue what came over her but I accepted her hug. When she left I stood for a moment before I ran back to Bella's house. I again went in through her bedroom window that she always had partially open.

I sat in her office waiting for her to come home, slowly becoming more and more worried as the hours ticked by. Finally after midnight I heard her car pull in the driveway. Why was she gone so often late at night, this was new and not something she had done before it also caused me to worry about her safety?

Bella went to bed that night, and again, I found myself sitting in her room watching over her. I counted each breath she took, each beat of her heart, and listened to her mutterings and fears that came out while her guard was down.

In the morning I followed Bella to her class before heading off to mine. I tried to actually pay attention in class, even though it was all information I knew. When my last class was over I went to the quad looking forward to Bella joining me for lunch. As lunch grew later and Bella didn't show I resigned myself that she was still avoiding me, or my family. I finally had enough and was getting up to go look for Bella, so I knew she was ok, when Rose put her hand on my arm.

_Let her be, she needs to figure this out and you stalking her isn't helping either of you. I'm not saying stop seeing her all together, but let her have her day at school in peace._

I sat back down. Rose was right. I couldn't keep stalking Bella. Her distance was driving me crazy and knowing that she was purposely avoiding me hurt. I reminded myself I would see her tonight in class.

For the rest of the day, I focused on that thought. I even got to class extra early just so I could be there when Bella came in and hopefully talk to her before class began. My plans were thwarted when class started and Bella wasn't there. I was mad. This was taking things too far, not even coming to class so she could avoid me. I was contemplating getting up to leave when Bella slipped in the back and took a seat. Alice placed a hand on my arm to keep me from reacting.

I sat in class that night contemplating Bella and her actions. I was glad Jasper wasn't around because my emotions were all over the map: anger at myself and Bella, bitterness, depression, fear, confusion and nervousness. I had no clue what to do; I didn't even know what I wanted to do. I spent all of class tugging at my hair trying to formulate a way to get Bella to just talk to me, to Alice, to someone, and let us know what was going on and how to help her.

Bella left immediately when class was over. I had had enough and followed her. I caught up with her just outside the building.

"Bella, please, will you just talk to me?"

I saw her shoulders slump as her step faltered and stopped. I stood behind her waiting for her to say something, anything. After what felt like an eternity, she spoke without turning. "I'm sorry, Edward. I just need time right now."

"Is this my fault? Did I push you too much?"

Bella turned and looked at me horror stricken. "No. This isn't your fault. This is all me, all me."

I looked at her, willing her to say more, to let me in. "Bella, let me in. Let me help you. Please."

She shook her head. "No one can help me. No one should. This is something I have to do on my own. Please, just give me some time."

I ran my hand through my hair, I was so frustrated. "I'm trying to give you time; just please don't make it too long."

Bella nodded. She paused as if she wanted to say more, but finally turned and strode away. I stood there watching her walk away and was at a loss as to what to do to stop it.

Alice came up to me and grabbed my hand. _It'll be ok Edward. I have a feeling it will all work out. Let Bella figure out her life. Give it a few days. If she's still not talking, then maybe you could push a little, but let her be for now. _

I walked to my car and tried to figure out where I should go. I wanted to go to Bella's, but would it be fair to her if I did? I know she didn't know I was there but wasn't I invading her privacy by watching her?

I finally decided to drive home and let Bella have her peace, no matter how much it tore at me and I felt like I was abandoning her. I went straight to the piano and started playing. My music was dark and driven by my emotional turmoil. I let it drown out the thoughts of my family and played for hours, trying to let the music sooth me, but it never did. I gave up, and my hands landed in a dissonant cord.

I found myself in Bella's room, staring at her as she slept. It was past three in the morning. From what I could see of her covers, she had been having a restless night sleeping. I sat and watched her, pondering what I could do to fix whatever was going on. I watched Bella until she woke to start her day. Bella didn't show for lunch again and I tried to not let it get to me.

She did go to Bible study, which made me glad. If she had avoided study all together because of me, I don't know what I would have done. She didn't talk to me, but when she first came in she did glance at me. What I saw in her eyes almost crushed me. I didn't understand how a human could deal with the emotional pain that Bella dealt with. I don't know many vampires that could deal with it. I wanted so badly to go to her, but I knew that would only be harmful in the long run. I needed her to come to me.

Thursday found more of the same; no Bella anywhere, and classes that were boring. After I changed clothes at home Esme handed me a basket with some soup and stew for me to leave on Bella's door step. After placing the basket outside I waited in my tree for her to come home. When she got there she saw the basket, smiled and took it inside.

She picked up her phone and called Esme. "Hello Esme. Thank you for the basket of goodies. You didn't have to do that."

"Nonsense, dear. I wanted to. It gives me something to do all day. Do you have a minute? Carlisle wanted to talk to you."

Bella's brow furrow. "Ok, I guess."

I could hear Esme hand the phone to Carlisle. "Hello Bella, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine thank you."

"I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you since you visited two weeks ago. Have you been drinking a high calorie vitamin drink daily?"

"Yes, I have. I try to drink it first thing in the morning."

"How about the alarm to make sure you don't skip meals. How's that working?"

"Pretty much ok. I mean, except for the other day, I haven't missed a meal." I'm sure Carlisle could guess that she was referring to Sunday. Thankfully he didn't say anything.

"How are you feeling then? Have you noticed any changes?"

"Well, I guess I'm more tired. But I have more energy, too. I guess . . . when I'm going about my day to day activities, I have more energy to do so, but I've been getting tired faster at night."

"Are you sleeping more? How much sleep do you get?"

"I don't know. A few hours. I'm not really sleeping more; I just want to."

"Bella, you need more sleep then that. When you're tired, you need to get some sleep. Please try. Do you want me to get you a sleep aid?"

"No, I'm good. I have one if needed."

"Ok, if there's something I can do let me know."

"Thanks Carlisle."

Bella hung up and blew out a deep breath. "I have a vampire calling to give me sleeping and eating advice. This has to be a first." Bella said to herself.

Bella went in the kitchen and started playing Meat Loaf loudly. She certainly had an interestingly eclectic taste in music. While listening she went through her house vacuuming and doing a general cleaning. When she started warming up some of the soup Esme sent over her phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hey Bells, how are you doing?"

"Hi Claire."

"Sooo . . . you haven't' called to tell me about your date on Saturday, and you've been avoiding my messages and texts. I'm calling, so you had better spill!" I could hear excitement in Claire's voice.

Bella sighed. "Ok, hang on a minute." Bella went to her radio and turned it up. She then went down to basement. I was again confused by her actions, so I took the opportunity to climb into her house and stand by the basement door. I wished that I could see her face, but instead concentrated on the tone and quality of her voice.

"Claire, I am so screwed. I have no clue what to do."

"What happened? Did he hurt you? I swear I will kill him if he did. Bella, I'm serious I will come out there; you know Seth and Sam will, too. What did he do?"

"Claire it's not like that. He was a perfect gentleman. The night was amazing. I danced; seriously,_ I_ danced. I had a beautiful dress; and Edward, gosh, there aren't words for how beautiful he looked. It was perfect, the entire evening."

I heard Claire sigh. "Bella, stop it. You can't hate yourself because you had a good night. You know they wouldn't want you to keep doing what you've been doing for the last two years. They'd want you to move on. You need to move on. Not forget, never that, but you can go forward."

"Claire . . . we kissed."

There was silence.

Finally Claire responded. "So what happens now?"

"I have no clue. I can't do this. I can't be with him. I refuse to hurt him in anyway. I can't be what he wants."

"Ok, what does he want? How do you know you can't be with him?"

I could hear Bella starting to pace. "I would think that would be obvious. I'm broken, used. Claire, you don't get it. This guy is perfect in every way. Being around him . . . it makes me forget, makes me wish for things that can't be. Gosh, his whole family is amazing and wonderful. There's no way they would stick by me if they knew."

"Bella Marie! I swear if I was there right now I would smack you! From things you have told me about this guy, and you've been gushing over e-mail for weeks, I don't think he would turn from you. He sounds pretty cool."

"How do you know? He wouldn't be the first."

"I don't, but you need to try."

"No! I don't. Why bother?"

I heard Claire growl. "I swear you are the most pig headed person I know."

Bella chuckled. "Well that's true!"

"Seriously, Bella, you can't keep doing this. What's wrong with finding a reason to live? Are you that set on killing yourself? On going against God's will?"

"I never said I was going to kill myself."

"No, you've never said it, but you never deny it either. We aren't stupid you know."

Bella sighed. "I know."

"Bella, you kissed this guy. I can't even . . . I mean, wow! I know what that meant to you, and I'm sure it means the same now. Don't you think, if you're kissing a guy, you owe him some kinda explanation; cause I'm guessing that you've been freaked out since Saturday and avoiding him?"

"Possibly."

Claire snorted. "Yeah, exactly my point. You need to talk to him."

"What if he asks about things . . . things I can't talk about?"

"Then don't. Let him know there are things you won't talk about, but tell him what you can. What do you want?"

"I don't know. I don't want to deal with this; that's what I want."

Claire laughed. "Yeah, I know you want to avoid it all; but since you can't, what do you want to do with what's there now?"

"I don't know."

"Really? I'm guessing you do know what you want, but you're to chicken and stubborn to go for it."

"Claire, it isn't that easy."

"Yes it is. You just make it hard."

"Whatever."

"Bella, please just talk to him."

"I'll try . . . but . . . Claire, I just don't know what to do, what to say."

"It'll come. I'm sure of it. Now I'm gonna let you go, because I know you need to think about it all. Just please don't think too long. Don't let this guy and his family slip away because of your insecurities."

Bella said her goodbye's and hung up. I stood there, processing her entire conversation. Before my thoughts could venture far, Bella was coming up the stairs. I quickly ran upstairs and out her window so I could see her.

She came upstairs, went to her den and plopped down on the stuffed chair, hugging her knees. I could see the thoughts racing across her face. She looked so conflicted and upset. I wanted, so badly, to just go in there and give her a hug, telling her it would be ok, that my family and I would never leave over her past.

Bella stayed there for hours. Sometimes she would mutter to herself, but it was never clear enough for me to know what she was saying. The longer she sat, the more agitated she seemed. It was never more clear to me that Bella needed time to process things; but when left alone to her devices for too long, she went down self-destructive thought patterns. This needed to stop. Unfortunately it was now nearing 11:30, and it was too late for me to show up on a social call. I sighed, running my hands through my hair; tomorrow, we were going to talk tomorrow. At the very least, I was going to talk and hopefully Bella would listen.

I sat in Bella's room that night contemplating all she had said to Claire. I could feel my heart wanting to race, listening to her talk about how she thought I was beautiful, and what a great time she had. It continued when I thought about the fact that she had been talking about me in e-mail for weeks. What had she been saying? While I may stay in her room watching her sleep, I did draw the line at hacking her computer to view her sent e-mails. As I relished in the sweetness of the happy thoughts of Bella, my silent heart wanted to plummet at the hatred she had of herself and the hopeless way she viewed her life.

Bella called my name all night. Sometimes she begged me to stay; other times she screamed my name and begged for no more pain. I wished all over again that I could read her mind, follow her dreams, and see what she saw. Did she really have nightmares of me hurting her? Did she not know I would do anything I could to not let her be hurt?

I stayed until Bella woke up. I then ran out and hunted. I had plans for this afternoon, and the last thing I needed was to be tempted and fighting Bella's scent. Being in her room nightly was going a long way towards desensitizing to her scent. I knew, though, all it would take is a strong wind at an unexpected time, when I was distracted, for the monster to leave its cage and try to harm Bella. I would do anything I could to not let that happen.

I got to school early and went to the quad, fully expecting that Bella wouldn't join me for lunch, but wanting to be there in case she did. I sat drumming my thumbs on the table to a Beatles song that was in my head. Angela came and sat down next to me. I was surprised. She had never approached me before, always feeling slightly anxious. I knew she was highly perceptive to my predatory nature.

I could read her thoughts, and smiled inside thinking how much she cared for Bella. "Edward, I hope it's ok. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute." Angela started in.

I smiled at her, hoping to put her slightly at ease. "Sure, what can I help you with?"

"Well, it's not that. Edward," she sighed. "I just wanted to talk to you about Bella. I don't know what's going on. I know she's been avoiding everyone this week and wasn't even in church on Sunday. I admit, for a while I was worried you had done something Saturday night that upset her." She gave me a sheepish smile, and I returned it, letting her know that I wasn't mad. "When I talked to her though, she was adamant that you did nothing wrong. So I'm guessing that something else happened. I've been friends with Bella almost since she's gotten here. In the last two months I have seen her slowly talking and laughing more, and I think it's because of you. I don't know what Bella's past is; it's none of my business, but I think it's bad. I just wanted to talk and make sure you don't hurt her, and just tell you that she might be avoiding you now, but I don't think it's you. I think she's just working through things.

I smiled. "Thank you. I admit I have been struggling this week. I had a wonderful time on Saturday and thought Bella did too."

Angela nodded. "I know it's none of my business, but please tell me that you aren't pressuring her for anything physically. From everything I've seen, Bella is pretty innocent with that stuff." She started blushing, and I again was elated that Bella had a friend in Angela, who was more worried about Bella than about her own comfort.

I looked down. I figured if Angela could forgo comfort so could I. "I appreciate your concern, but know that I am just as innocent as Bella and I have no plans on rushing or even doing anything physical."

Angela patted my hand. "Thank you. I know we aren't great friends, so thank you for talking about it. Bella is blessed to have someone like you who cares for her."

I removed my hand from under hers; the feeling of her human touch disconcerted me and made me feel awkward. I winked at Angela "I was thinking the same thing about you." Angela left, and I felt happier than ever about the conversation I had planned with Bella.

I quickly phoned Alice asking her to do some future looking in an area I had in mind to see if it would be dry today. I was glad to hear it would be. She asked what I had planned, and I laughed as I hung up, knowing it would drive her crazy.

When I was done with Alice, I called Esme and inquired if she could get a few finger foods together with something that I could transport for Bella to drink. Esme also asked what was going on, and again I chuckled and hung up. I knew my family was going to be quizzing me when I finally got home.

I finished class and went home to get a picnic basket ready. I grabbed a blanket and observed my family following me around, watching what I was doing. I threw on an extra heavy shirt, anticipating keeping my coldness away from Bella. They kept asking what I was doing and throwing out questions, I kept a smile on my face. I laughed as I walked out of the house, leaving my family wondering what I was doing. More than one called out a death threat as I drove away.

I know I was being unkind but I was so focused on Bella and getting to her, I didn't want to be distracted right now. I just hoped Bella was home. I refused to let myself think otherwise. When I pulled up to her house, her car was there. I smiled sending a quick prayer to God in thanks.

I got out of the car and slowly walked to Bella's door. I knocked and listened to her walk to the door. Her light steps coming closer thrilled me, anticipating things would work out.

She opened the door, and there was a look of surprise on her face seeing me there. "Edward!"

"Hello Bella, I know things have been a bit strained. I would just like to talk to you. Please, will you accompany me for a bit? If you don't want to say a word, you don't have to but I really want to talk to you."

Bella hesitated, and I stood watching her, silently begging her with everything in my being to come with me and let me talk to her. Finally she nodded. "That's more than fair. I have things to say to you as well. Where did you want to go?"

I smiled; I was excited. "I know a quiet place that would be perfect. Can you put a sweatshirt on?" Bella nodded and left the door open while she went upstairs and put on a pair of sturdy jeans and a sweatshirt. She came downstairs and grabbed her keys and wallet.

"Do I need anything else?"

"No, you're perfect."

Bella came out, and I led her to my car. I opened the door and when she was in I quickly moved and got in my side. She looked in the back seat and glanced at the picnic basket there. I smiled again. "What, didn't you think I'd feed you?"

Bella shrugged. "I have no clue where we're going, or for how long."

I nodded. "Just a quiet place so we aren't disturbed."

I drove out of Seattle and pulled into a parking lot for a wooded area. I got out of the car and grabbed the basket and blanket. When I got to Bella's side of the car she had already gotten out. I held my hand out. "This way." Bella looked confused. "What?"

"There isn't a trail in this direction."

"I didn't say we were taking a trail, did I?"

"Well no, but I trip on everything. I don't know that hiking is a good idea."

I smiled and lightly squeezed her hand. "Trust me. I won't let you fall. Plus where we're going is a ways away. We just need to get into the trees so no one can see us, then you can jump on my back and I'd be happy to carry you there."

Bella nodded and walked with me to the tree line. I heard her take a deep breath as she stepped off the concrete onto the forest floor. We walked almost one hundred yards in. I searched the minds of the few people in the area and knew no one was near us. I bent down so Bella could climb on my back. She hesitated before climbing on, but she did without further comment. I was excited that no matter what else was going on, she still had a level of trust in me. I tried to ignore the monster in my saying she shouldn't trust me and her life would be safer if she didn't.

I ran through the forest while Bella clung to my back. I loved the warmth that seeped through me with her surrounding me. When we were almost to the meadow I was heading toward, I slowed and let Bella slide off my back. I pointed in the direction of the meadow. I wanted her to discover it on her own, and not with me carrying her there.

She looked at me and took a tentative step forward. She continued on and slowly made her way in the right direction. I could tell when she saw a break in the trees. She turned to me, and I smiled. Her steps quickened, and when she got to the tree line, she stopped and held her breath.

"It's beautiful." I had brought her to a meadow in the middle of the forest. It was a perfectly circular area that in the spring was covered in wild flowers. I knew Bella would appreciate the simplicity and beauty of it.

I walked into the meadow and set the blanket, then started going through the picnic basket. "I found this place soon after we moved here. Whenever we move to a new place I search out a spot that is just mine, somewhere far enough from people to not hear anyone's thoughts but my own, a place where I can decompress and find silence. I've never brought someone to one of my places before." I smiled at her. "But you, you don't break the serenity of the place. You add to it. Anyway, I thought it was a good place to talk."

Bella smiled and sat down on the blanket next to me. We weren't touching, but she was close. I measured the distance, happy she wasn't as far from me as she could be.

I continued pulling everything out and placing it before Bella. Finding two thermoses, I sniffed. "Well it seems Esme packed mint and raspberry tea. Which would you like? Do you feel like relaxing with mint, or waking up with raspberry?"

Bella smiled. "Raspberry, please." I opened and poured her a cup. She took it with a small thanks.

"You said you wanted to talk to me as well. Did you want to start, or did you want me to?"

Bella furrowed her brows. "Why don't you start? Is that ok?"

I smiled. "That's fine, I don't have anything specific to say exactly. More, I just want to offer you reassurance. Bella, I don't know your history, I don't know your past; but I'm not blind there's something in it that is greatly affecting you and your interactions in your life today. I'm not asking you to tell me anything I just want you to know that I'm here if you want to talk. Nothing you say about your past can change what I feel about you in the present."

Bella shook her head. "You say that so easily. You don't know the horrid things I've done." Bella's face twisted and distorted. I reached out to hold her hand, as soon as I touched her she drew away. I tried to not be hurt by the gesture, though I was. She opened her eyes and looked at me. "Don't. I don't deserve comfort. Would you be so forgiving of me if you knew I was a murder?"

I hesitated; I didn't believe that Bella had ever murdered anyone. There was no way that it was possible. I knew murders and their actions, thoughts and ways. Bella was not a murderer. "I don't believe you murdered anyone," I said with as much conviction as I could.

"I have. I willfully and in full consciousness murdered. Can you still say that you want to know me? To know a murderer?"

I contemplated for a while how to address her. I didn't believe that Bella murdered anyone. I did believe that she thought she did. What circumstances caused this I couldn't even guess. I doubted she was ready to share her story, and without knowing specifics, trying to reassure her was a moot point. I decided to try a different direction.

"Could you be friends with a murderer?"

Bella looked at me. "What do you mean?"

I took a deep, unneeded breath I had never planned on telling Bella the horrors of my past, but it was obvious she needed to hear it. Would she look differently at me from this point on? Would she turn from me? "I've killed. I've killed many times and many people. When I was turned, Carlisle introduced me to the lifestyle we live in now, drinking the blood of animals to live on and not drinking from humans.

"Bella, you have to understand. Animal blood sustains, but never satisfies. The hunger never goes away; there is always a burning in our throats. Not long after Carlisle turned Esme, I left and decided since I was a monster, I should act like one. I willfully sought out humans to drink from. I reconciled myself believing, since I could read people's thoughts, I would only kill those who were criminals or had committed some offence I deemed worthy of death.

"For years I traveled as a nomad with no home, no direction, and killed. My hunger was satisfied, and I didn't feel the burn or ache I did when drinking animals."

I stopped talking, letting what I said sink in. Bella didn't turn from me. Instead her eyes held compassion and forgiveness. "What happened? Why did you stop?"

I sighed and leaned back. "I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't play God and decide who lived and who died. No matter what sins the human had committed, they were still someone's son, father, husband, or friend. The lines of sins became muddled and confused.

"I also missed my family. I missed having a place to just call home, where I didn't have to deal with the savagery that is so common among most of our kind. I came back to Carlisle, and he welcomed me with open arms. I haven't drunk human blood since. I know my leaving hurt Carlisle immensely, and I won't do that to him again, even though he has forgiven me."

"You haven't forgiven yourself though, have you?"

I stared at Bella. Her insight never ceased to amaze me. "Would you?"

Bella tilted her head to the side in consideration. "It would be hard to do. I think it would depend on whether you focus on the people that died, or on people since then that you haven't killed. In reality you're a predator. Every person you don't kill is the amazing thing, not that you slipped, and for a while, gave into your nature. No one blames the lion for killing the gazelle. That's what he's made to do. No, we would praise the lion that didn't. That's what I think you need to focus on."

I smiled and held my hand out. Bella grabbed it. "You're amazing. You see everything with such openness and forgiveness. You truly are amazing. You make me want to be a better man."

I looked at Bella. We needed to get back to the present. "Bella, will you talk to me about Saturday night?"

She dropped my hand and looked away from me, grabbing her knees and pulling herself into a ball. I broke, watching her withdraw, knowing it was a defense mechanism for her. When she spoke, her voice was strained. "Edward, I didn't lie to you. I had the best night of my life that night. I know I have to be confusing you with my withdrawal. It isn't you; it truly is me." She gave a humorless bitter chuckle. "I know that line is used all the time, but I'm serious. I don't know that I'm ready for you, for us, but I don't know that I can stay away either."

I breathed out a breath I hadn't even been aware I had been holding. "What is it you think I want?"

"I don't know, but whatever it is, I don't think I can do it."

"Could you be my friend?" I whispered.

"I don't know." I could almost hear her heart break as she said it, and a hole opened in my chest.

"What don't you know? Talk to me."

"I don't know that I can be your friend. What does that mean? What do you want from me? How can I be your friend when I don't even know how much longer I'm going to be . . . in Seattle

My whole body froze up. I didn't know what to say. Thoughts raced through my mind about how to reply to this shattered angel who so desperately need someone to be with her and give her comfort and support.

"It means whatever you want it to mean, for however long you're here. I just want to be able to spend time with you and see you. My family does, as well. Please."

"Will you want more?" She asked still looking off in the distance.

"No, I want no more than to be by you."

Bella turned and looked me in the eye, and the conflict in hers was horrible to watch. Her voice broke when she spoke. "What if I want more?"

I was shocked. That thought had never occurred to me. Now I needed to think. What was it I wanted from Bella? What kind of relationship did I want? Could we even have a relationship? "Do you want more?"

"I don't know!"

I couldn't take it anymore. She looked so broken. "Come here Bella." I gently guided her and sat her in my lap. She snuggled into me grabbing at my shirt pulling herself in as close as she could. Her scent flooded me, and I took a moment to swallow down the rush of venom that threatened to over take me. I gently ran a hand along her back and placed my other hand on her knee. I reveled in the heat of her body.

"Bella, have you ever had a boy friend?" She shook her head. "Have you ever gone on a date?" She again shook her head. "Have you ever kissed someone?"

I barely heard her whisper. "Never willingly. I always thought I would only do that with my husband, someday. I don't regret Saturday."

My fists clenched at the unspoken admission she was making. I tried to control the anger and not let it consume me. Now was not the time. I assured the monster that the time would come.

"I've never kissed a girl before Saturday either."

Bella shifted and looked up at me. "But, you're over one hundred years old!"

I chuckled, "What can I say? I'm a late bloomer." I winked.

"Is that normal?" I was confused, not knowing what she was asking. She must have seen my confusion as she explained further. "Do most vampires not form relationships?"

I laughed; she had no idea the absurdity of her question. "No Bella. As in all things, it seems I am the freak of my world. Vampires, in that sense, are like those of fiction, debased and consumed with fulfilling every carnal need they have. They are extremely sexually active with multiple partners. Even those that are mated tend to not be monogamous. Again our coven is different. Each member my family is committed to their mate and has never had sexual relations outside of that relationship. Once we mate, that is it for us, never going outside that relationship."

Bella sat unmoving with her head laid against my chest again. I wished I could see her face, but nothing would make me move her from my arms. "Oh, why did you kiss me then? What's different?"

"I don't know. In my world we become a permanent version of who we were when we were changed. Our likes and dislikes stay the same; our personalities don't change. Our beliefs tend to remain static. The one time that we shift and can change is when we find our mate.

"The thing is, when we change we also lose most of the things that make us human. Usually compassion and empathy are left at the wayside to be overrun by the selfish monster within. There is never a need for that to change. Most of my kind can go decades without interacting with a single human, except to feed.

"The time I've spent with you, that my family's spent with you, has affected us all. You bring out the humanity in us. I'm feeling old human emotions that I've never felt since being changed."

"Is that good or bad?"

I continued caressing my angel's back. "I don't know. I know that I love being with you, that I appreciate you as a person, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can. But I also know I'm a vampire; I am not a suitable companion for you, nor is my family. But I admit; a large part of me is too selfish to care. "

Bella sat contemplating what I was saying. The silence extended until I could stand it no longer. "Tell me what you're thinking please. You have no idea how much it kills me to not hear your thoughts."

Bella shifted on my lap. One of her hands dropped down to my hip and again her thumb snuck up and rubbed the skin right above my jeans. "I'm thinking that I'm feeling exactly as you are. You make me feel things I haven't felt in two years, and it both scares and excites me. I know getting close to you can only end in heart break for one or both of us, but I too don't know that I want to stop." Bella paused, and I knew there was more she wanted to say.

"Edward," she whispered.

"What?"

"Physically, I don't know I can do more than kissing. I don't even think I should be kissing." I could hear her heart rate start to rise. "If we do spend time together, I want you to know. Not that you want anything from me like that, but if you did, I can't."

I shushed her and ran my hands through her hair. "Hush angel. I'm not asking anything from you physically or otherwise. I don't even know that as a vampire and you, as a human, we could even do more. If you don't want to kiss again that would be ok." I tried to ignore the pain that thought brought me. "The ball is in your court and always will be."

Bella and I sat for a long while not talking. I knew we had more we needed to say to each other; but we had covered so much ground, I didn't want to push more right now. I know Bella needed time to process things, so I wanted to give her some before heading back. Plus, there was the selfish part of me that just didn't want to let her go.

Finally night was falling and the temperature was dropping. I could feel Bella start to shiver. I nudged her lightly. "I think it's time to go. Are you willing to come to my house for a little bit? I know my family would love to see you; but if you aren't up to it, they'll understand."

Bella turned and looked around. I don't think she'd noticed how late it had gotten. "Umm, I would be fine going to your house for a little while. Can we find our way out of here?"

I laughed and scooped her up, setting her down as I quickly gathered everything I had brought. "Bella, you forget. I'm a vampire. I can see just as clearly in the dark as I can in the light. Even if I couldn't see, I could smell the trail we made getting here. Don't worry I'll get us home just fine."

Bella laughed. "You and your vampire super powers."

"Jealous, aren't you?"

Bella shook her head. "Nah not right now. I'll just borrow yours when I need them."

"Sounds fair. Now climb on." I bent down for Bella to better reach my back. Once she was settled, I took off running. When we got to the parking lot I simply slowed, but didn't have Bella get off my back. I was worried she would trip on something in the dark. Once she was settled in my car, and everything put away, I called home to let them know that I would be there shortly with Bella. My family sounded ecstatic at the prospect.

When we arrived, Emmett bolted out of the door and came and got Bella. He scooped her up out of the car and ran with her in his arms, bridal style, into the house. "Butter Bean, I've missed you. You are the only one around here that has a sense of humor!"

I could hear Bella's heart rate race and I was worried. I knew Bella didn't like most guys touching her. When she spoke though, there was laughter in her voice. "Aw poor Emma has no one to play with."

Rose came over and smacked Emmett on the head. "Put her down, you oaf! She isn't a play doll. Bella, ignore him."

"That's ok, Rose. Though I'm not use to being picked up and manhandled like that!"

My whole family came in and started talking to and hugging Bella, asking how she was and other questions about her life in the last week. No one made reference to her distance, and Bella didn't bring it up either.

Alice grabbed her hand and brought her to our theater room. You're just in time for movie night. It's Rose's turn to pick, so we're watching _The Fast and the Furious_ so she can drool over all the cars."

Emmett inserted, "That's all she better be drooling over. I'm way hotter than Vin Diesel."

Rose rolled her eyes. Alice put Bella on the sofa and looked at me. _You're sitting with her, don't argue._ I winked at her. I had no intention of arguing. I sat next to Bella offering her my hand. She looked around at my family and slowly reached out and took it. I was glad.

The movie played, and I tried to pay attention to it; but honestly I had seen it multiple times, and it wasn't that good the first time. Instead, I concentrated on Bella and listening to her breathing. The sound was incredibly soothing and peaceful. Slowly her breathing deepened and she drifted off to sleep. Her head fell on my shoulder. I shifted and put my arm around her so she would be more comfortable.

My family noticed and I rolled my eyes listening to all their thoughts. "Stop it. She's sleeping, and I didn't want her to fall."

As a single entity all my family thought, k_eep telling yourself that._

I snorted. "I will."

* * *

Thank you to all my readers for being so patient with this chapter. I have no idea why but this chapter, more than any other, was kicking my butt and I was freaking out over it. So thank you to Hev99 (Bob), SarahAH30 for looking over Bella and Claire's conversation and telling me if I totally was losing it. To GinnyW31 and Nissa for pre-reading the chapter and giving me all your thoughts. And to Ronnie for beta'ing a chapter that turned out to be wicked for her to look at! Sorry dear :(

So now you know where Bella was. She was hiding. I know that will make some of you mad, but hey what can I say, this Bella's a runner not a confronter. Edward at least figured out that while Bella does need time to think and process, if she has too much it goes south. The obvious question is, when will they be kissing again . . . lol

Rec this week: Angel in the Attic by closettwiligher1 - this story is sweet on so many levels it insane. Lot so tears but not angst. I'm loving it!

I have also noticed that I get many more reviews on cliffie chapters, does that mean you all like cliffies more then ending the chapter on a high note? hummm . . .

Please review and let me know what you thought of the chapter :)


	25. Just a Little Bite

**Chapter 25 – Just a little Bite**

The weeks that followed had a wonderful flow. Bella was less reticent with me and more willing to just hang out. There were not expectations on either of our parts for anything other than talking or even just sitting. We hadn't kissed again, but slowly we were touching more. It had started as soft touches, just brushing of hands against each other, but we were now holding hands as we watched movies together. Everything was innocent and sweet and never crossed the boundary of friendship.

My family had become more active with Bella as well. After Emmett had decided that he was going to show Bella a good time, the rest of the family followed suit. The Sunday after Bella and I talked, Emmett took Bella to a Seattle Seahawks football game. I was incredibly nervous. I knew Emmett had good control on his hunger and impulses, but I still worried about him being confined in a car with her and something happening. Then there was the fear of Bella being in a stadium filled with drunken testosterone driven football fans. I spent the entire time they were away pacing in my room, periodically begging Alice to check and see what was happening and getting frustrated when she just laughed and said she was sure everything was fine.

I made it through Bella's fun with Emmett only to be told the next weekend that Rose had decided she wanted to spend time with Bella. I was shocked by the whole idea of Rose putting herself out to get to know Bella one on one. I was more concerned when Rose said she would be taking Bella with her to the woman's shelter she volunteered at. I didn't think it was good to expose Bella to battered woman, not knowing what her past was and if she would have a trigger. I again spent the time pacing my room frustrated, not knowing if Bella was having a panic attack. Again, she came back unharmed, though she was very reflective of her day. Rose's thoughts showed that she had talked to Bella about her past, and told her she had been changed after being gang raped by her fiancé. I was fuming that Rose would expose her to such a story, but she showed me Bella took the story to heart and listened to Rose tell her she would be there for her if she wanted to talk.

I finally got through the two days Bella was away with my family members and was hoping I had a break when Jasper's thoughts filtered through showing me that he wanted time with Bella as well. Before I could voice my incredulity at the thought of Jasper being alone with Bella, knowing his control was not up to one on one time with Bella, he decided he wanted to take Bella to a country bar with the family to go line dancing. The idea of line dancing in a country bar was enough to make me want to run for the hills, but Bella seemed to be looking forward to the idea; so I kept my thoughts to myself, glad this time I would be around and not miss out on seeing her having a good time.

While Bella was bonding with my family, we were spending time together as well. I had taken to picking her up for sociology class, and when I brought her home I stayed for a while just talking into the night. On the weekends Bella was coming over at night, joining the family for movie time. We had developed a routine where we would watch a funny movie that Emmett, along with others, would act out for Bella, and then something quieter. Often Bella would fall asleep against my shoulder during the second movie, and I would drive her home while she still slept.

So far there had been no discussions about her past. Jasper would ask pointed questions; sometimes Bella would answer, but often she wouldn't. We had learned nothing new, but Jasper was both encouraged and frustrated with the information she was sharing. Encouraged that she was sharing, even though it was such a small amount, and frustrated she wasn't sharing more. We knew there was a trial of some kind coming up, and Jasper was hoping Bella would share what it was about before leaving. He was concerned for her mental state during the trial.

Carlisle had been pushing Bella to get healthy again. He was vigilant on her diet, making sure she not only got the calories she needed, but also essential vitamins. He had approached her a few more times about her lack of sleep, and Bella had shut him out immediately saying she was fine. I didn't know if that was true or not. She was getting to a healthier weight, filling out her emaciated frame, but sleep seemed to be a constant struggle for her. As she gained weight she was getting more tired. I would often catch her snoozing early in the evening when I watched her. At night she still only stayed in bed for about four hours and was waking with nightmares as often as ever. The lack of sleep concerned me, but I knew there was nothing I could do to change it. I had continued to stay in her room at night, I was no longer able to sit in a tree across her back yard; it was too far away.

One Friday afternoon, when Bella would be coming over in a couple of hours, Esme asked if she could pick Bella up for movie night. Esme had formed a close bond with Bella. She saw her as her child, and took care of her and worried over her as much as any mother. A few weeks prior, when Bella had come down with the flu, Esme had practically moved into Bella's house to care for her. The whole family had visited for the three days she had been laid up, but Esme never left her side. She hadn't gotten to spend much time alone with Bella lately, so she wanted a little bit of time to hang out with her.

I was in the kitchen preparing cookies for Bella. I had been researching and learning about cooking, since I wanted to find tempting meals to make for Bella to keep her healthy. Esme and I enjoyed spending time together cooking. I never would have guessed how much fun it could be to cook and see a concoction come together. The downside was that all of it smelled incredibly disgusting to me, but Bella assured me every time that it was "amazingly delicious". I took her at her word, having no way of knowing if what I made was good or not, but her enthusiasm in eating anything I prepared led me to believe she wasn't telling me everything tasted good just to be nice.

When the shortbread cookies were done, I went upstairs to take a shower and get dressed for the night. I walked in my room and stopped short. "What in the hell," I muttered.

Alice bounded by my side. _Do you like it?_

"Alice, why is there a bed in my room?" I stood in consternation. My room had been the same for decades; in each house we had lived in, my room was situated in the same concept. I had some type of seating, usually a couch, and a set up for my stereo with shelves to hold my massive music collection, little else. I was the only person in the house that had no bed, as I never saw the need. I don't sleep, and I wasn't mated, so didn't need a bed for . . . extracurricular intimate activities. But I was looking at a king size bed sitting against a wall in my room.

_Well . . . _ my pixie of a sister thought. _Bella seems to be falling asleep here more and more during movie night. I figured instead of waking her to drive her home, it might be easier to have you just bring her up here to sleep. I doubt your couch would be comfortable. _

I stood with my mouth hanging open. I couldn't form a coherent thought. Bella . . . sleeping here . . . in a bed . . . in _my_ room. I gulped at the vision of Bella sprawled in this bed, with her limbs tangled in the sheets and her hair strewn about the pillows. I was instantly hard imagining other activities I could do in that bed with Bella. Alice started laughing and ran down the stairs.

I was immediately contrite thinking such vulgar thoughts of a broken angel. I sighed, running my hands through my hair. I needed to get myself under control. I couldn't see Bella while I had a raging hard-on. I got in the shower hoping my "condition" would just go away. Unfortunately, thoughts of Bella in that bed kept working their way into my brain, and my erection would not abate. I thought, yet again, how easy humans had it. All they needed to do was take a cold shower. For vampires, who weren't affected by temperature, this wasn't a viable option.

I finished up and got out of the shower. Wrapping a towel around my hips and hissing as the fabric came in contact with my painfully hard erection. I walked out of the bathroom, pointedly not looking at the bed. It seemed my room was no longer my refuge in the house, but now was a place of torment.

I dressed quickly just wanting to leave my room and went to the music room instead. I again tired to play out my frustrations on the piano. I had done this more in the last three months then I had in the last three decades. Slowly my frustrations seeped away, and my music changed to reflect my calmer demeanor. As my thoughts turned to Bella, I worked on a piece I had been toying with that reminded me of her smile and laugh. The piece was light and playful with a hint of wistfulness.

I was working on the second stanza of the piece when Esme's thoughts came into focus. Bella was here. I, of course, couldn't hear her thoughts, but just knowing she was approaching brought an additional level of calm to me. I listened to Esme's car pull in the drive, and Bella get out. I heard her enter the house and say hi to my family that was sitting in the front room. Soon she left them, and I could hear her footsteps coming toward the music room where I was still playing. She hesitated outside the door; finally, she opened it and stepped inside. I looked up and smiled at her, not pausing in the piece I was playing. She smiled back and walked toward me. I shifted on the piano bench to make room, and she sat next to me.

I continued playing. This had become one of my favorite things: Bella, my muse, sitting next to me at my piano, inspiring me to go further. She amazed me; she could sit for hours listening without interrupting. Every time I finished playing she gave me a smile, thanking me for the beauty I had created. This time was no different. I hadn't told her that the music was not my beauty, but hers; I knew she wasn't ready for that truth, but I looked forward to the day when she would be.

I took her hand, and we walked to the kitchen. "What can I make for you today?" I smiled at her. This was common banter between us.

She rolled her eyes. "Tell me again, why is it you now cook for me? I think one of these days I'll need to return the favor and come bringing a cow or sheep or something."

I laughed, "While I appreciate the thought, trust me you don't need to do that. I have some shortbread cookies for later, how about now I make you something Italian?"

Bella nodded. She took her now normal place at the island, and we chatted as I prepared shrimp scampi for her. I found that Bella liked Italian food, and I was grateful for the carbs she received when eating it. As I cooked we talked. Conversation with Bella never ran out. It is entirely possible I had talked more to Bella then I had with all the other humans I had come across combined, yet I didn't tire of talking to her as I did with all other humans. I couldn't help but wonder if I would find other humans as fascinating as I found her if I couldn't read every thought in their head before they spoke. Everything with Bella was unexpected and new, and the novelty showed no sign of wearing off.

As I cooked, my family filtered in and out of the kitchen. Bella had truly enchanted them all. As always, I observed her and her interactions. She smiled more than ever and traded witty banter with everyone, but she still kept her hands to herself and never touched my brothers or Carlisle. Jasper and Carlisle understood and never let it bother them, but Emmett was increasingly frustrated, though he never gave Bella any indication of that increasing frustration.

I placed the plate of the prepared dish in front of Bella. She attacked the food with gusto. The first few times I had cooked for her, she had been hesitant to try it, knowing she was in many ways a guinea pig. Now, she had come to trust I could follow directions fine, and while I couldn't taste to verify that a dish was done, I was still able to cook for her.

When Bella finished her plate we walked into the movie room. She plopped on a couch. "What are we watching tonight?"

Emmett answered. "Tonight is classic movie night. _The Princess Bride _followed by _Interview with a Vampire_." Emmett had decided it was his job to school Bella on vampires and how Hollywood had us portrayed incorrectly.

Jasper came in and bellowed. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." He lunged at Emmett and they pretended to fence. I sat next to Bella as she giggled. She had told me once, watching my family act out movies was the best entertainment in the world. Anything that made my angel smile was alright in my book, so I put up with the crazy antics of my family that usually drove me crazy, but when looking at them through Bella's eyes, were humorous.

Alice came in and started speaking before I was paying attention to what she was going to say. "No worries, Bella. If you fall asleep like you have every other time, we now have a place for you to sleep, so Edward doesn't have to wake you to take you home." I glared at Alice. I had no intention of telling Bella about the bed Alice added to my room.

Bella's eyes widened and her mouth fell open. I could see her mind racing and the entire room stood still as everyone processed Bella reaction. "Oh . . . that's very kind of you . . . I mean since you all don't sleep . . . umm . . . really it would probably be easier if I just went home." Bella turned and looked at me beseechingly.

I nodded. "Not a problem. I figured you would be more comfortable at home. Just know, in the future there is an alternative."

Bella simply nodded and my family resumed their previous antics or conversations. The movie started and Bella snuggled back into the couch to watch. "Do you know this movie?" I asked her.

She turned and gave me a strange look. "Edward, everyone knows this movie! I may not be Miss Super Popular, but I haven't lived under a rock!"

The room erupted in laughter, and I gave everyone a sheepish smile. There were times when I did talk down to Bella, assuming she didn't know things because she was in her early twenties. I loved that she always called me on it. My family did too.

Bella watched and laughed when all the girls quoted in unison Fred Savage saying "Is this a kissing book?" Jasper and Alice acted out all the scenes in the beginning with Westley and Buttercup in a highly over dramatized fashion. Again, Bella's musical laugher floated through the room.

She kept watching as Carlisle pretended to be Prince Humperdinck; when Rose, Esme and Alice did the boat scene with the stupid rhymes; and when I got up and fought Jasper in a sword fight and was beaned on the head, pretending to pass out. But she managed to shock the entire room when Emmett stood up to play Andre the Giant to beat Westley with his strength. Bella threw herself off the couch and launched herself on his back pretending to be Westley taking him down.

Bella had never played out a movie with us. For her to start by jumping on Emmett's back was shocking. The thoughts of my whole family were as shocked as I was by seeing Bella play and touch Emmett. Thankfully Emmett recovered quickly and continued playing out the scene. Seeing this slip of a human pretend to take out such a huge muscular vampire was scary and hilarious by turns.

When the scene was done, Bella sat back on the couch as if nothing monumental had happened. No one in the family commented, and the movie continued to play. She didn't play any more scenes, but that may have had more to do with her inability to stop laughing.

We took a break in between movies, so Bella could take care of her human needs, and I could get a plate of cookies ready for her with a glass of milk. Bella had informed me early on that cookies required milk. Not understanding how anyone could drink milk, the smell of dairy foods was particularly repugnant, but accepting that she knew more about such things then I did, I always had milk to go with cookies when I presented them to her.

Jasper went in the kitchen with me and soon the rest of my family followed. "Edward, you do realize the progress Bella showed tonight. That's the first time I have ever seen her touch a male, other than you, of course. Have you tried to get her to open up about her past anymore?" Jasper was so intent on getting Bella to open up; we had argued many times over the wisdom in pushing Bella.

"No, I haven't. Why can't we be happy with her progress? I know she needs to talk, but she's getting there," I said, knowing deep inside my words were more my wishes then reality.

Jasper huffed. "She's leaving in less than two weeks. I want her to let someone in so that she doesn't go alone. As it stands now, I think she will. I don't want that."

The horror of the idea almost brought me to my knees. Emmett spoke before I could. "There's no way we're letting Bella Boo go to this trial alone." Emmett's statement was reflected in my family's thoughts. The only dissonant opinions belonged to Jasper and Carlisle, both of whom wanted to be there for Bella, but resigned themselves that unless she opened up, she would leave alone.

I thought of Bella facing a trial without my family and me there to support her, and I was ready to punch something. "It's simple. We'll just follow her." I stated.

Rose snorted. "Yeah, and how are you going to explain that to her?"

I shrugged. I didn't know the answer, but I did know Bella wouldn't be going to the trial alone. Now, I needed to work out the logistics. I needed to find out where Bella was going so I could follow her. Once there, she couldn't ask me to leave.

Bella came in before anyone could say more and looked at all of us taking in our troubled and pensive faces. "Is everything ok?"

Esme stepped in saving us all. "Yes, dear, we're fine. Emmett was just commenting about additional vampire movies and which ones would be best to show you."

Emmett forced a smile, his thoughts consumed with Bella being in a place where she didn't have support; he truly did see her as a little sister. "Yeah, I have to make sure your schooling is complete!"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Thanks, I doubt I would survive without more education, Lestat." You could hear the sarcasm in her voice, and there was a light of humor in her eyes.

Emmett walked over to Bella and tried to look threatening, though the corners of his mouth tugging up belied the threat. "Little human girl, are you making light of vampires while in a house surrounded by a coven of blood sucking fiends?"

I swallowed deeply. I knew Emmett was playing, I was pretty sure Bella knew Emmett was playing; but this was not something to be joked about. My family glanced at each other, uneasily agreeing with my internal struggle that this wasn't a joking matter, and knowing Emmett found everything funny so didn't see the complete lack of humor in what he was saying.

Bella laughed. "I would never make light of vampires. Perish the thought. Especially when surrounded by big strong ones."

Emmett playfully glared at her, completely missing the tension of the rest of the family. He picked Bella up and ran to the theater room pretending to throw Bella on the couch, though he never let go of her. Bella laughed. "Uncle! I will never joke about vampires again!"

Emmett laughed back at her. "Good. Now let the schooling continue!"

The rest of the family filtered in. Quietly so Bella couldn't hear, Rose sat next to Emmett and proceeded to explain to him what an idiot he was, the rest of us chimed in, telling Emmett he had taken things too far. I could hear the remorse in his thoughts and didn't feel like talking about it, so I focused on Bella.

The movie played and multiple family members would call out comments on what was happening: if Tom Cruise was gay, how a vampire would really react in certain circumstances and where humans came up with such inane ideas about vampires. Half way through Bella's head started drooping. I put my arm around her and pulled her into me, bringing her head to rest on my chest. Her heart sped slightly and she looked at me. "Is this alright?" I asked. She simply nodded and placed her head back where it was. I sighed in complete contentment.

When the movie ended I gently shook Bella awake. She blinked up at me and gave me a sleepy smile. "I don't know what it is with coming here and watching movies. You all must think all I do is sleep."

I smiled lightly at her. She had no idea how I loved watching her sleep when it was peaceful and restful. Emmett spoke up. "Well Betty Boop, you may do more than sleep, but honestly with the way Eddie there acts, he would rather have you in bed sleeping than anything else." Rose smacked Emmet in the head. "What? Eddie thinks she looks cute when she's sleeping. That's all I meant."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. Why did everything Emmett said have to be laced with innuendo? I thought we had all discussed with him after one of his latest pranks that joking about sex in front of Bella was not a good idea. I was scared to look up and see Bella's face.

Then she spoke; there didn't seem to be fear or anger in her voice. "I can't imagine that watching someone sleep would be all that fun, especially if you don't do it yourself."

I glanced up and saw confusion on Bella's face. Did she truly not get how much enjoyment watching her sleep gave me? I guess she wouldn't, as she didn't know I watched her sleep every night and had for months. "Just ignore him. Are you ready to go home or do you need anything?"

Bella blushed; the smell of the blood coming to her face still had the power to bring me to my knees, but the beauty of her cheeks becoming rosy could not compare to anything else. "I need a human moment, if that's ok?"

I smiled gently at her and brushed a strand of hair back from her face. "No problem, I'll be here waiting."

Bella got up and tripped on her feet. I quickly caught her before she fell on the floor. She blushed, and I set her back down. I found my angel, who normally had a hard time walking and not tripping, was even worse when she was tired. I had taken to just carrying her to the car on our movie nights to prevent her from hurting herself.

Once Bella was in the bathroom, I turned back to my family who were still sitting where they had been. Carlisle was finishing up his explanation to Emmett, again, about appropriate things to say and not say in front of Bella. I knew Emmett was contrite for upsetting Bella. His problem was that he had no thought to mouth filter. Normally, this made for humorous situations, but in this case we all worried he would say or do something to make Bella have a panic attack.

I let my family's thoughts filter through, not really paying attention. I was focusing instead on the trial Bella had coming up. How could I get her to open up before then? Jasper was right. She would try to do it all herself, but I wouldn't let her. She needed support and my whole family was here to do so.

I heard the faucet turn off in the bathroom and knew Bella would be out momentarily. The bathroom door opened and chaos reigned. Bella stumbled into the door frame and cut her head against a sliver of wood. The smell of her blood permeated the house within seconds.

I clamped down and stopped breathing. Suddenly Jasper leapt from the couch, his thoughts entirely focused on Bella and her blood. I reacted immediately, rushing to Bella, throwing her back into the bathroom, standing between her and anyone that tried to get in. Jasper was right behind me, so I pivoted after throwing Bella grabbing his neck and chest and threw him against the far wall. He crashed into it breaking the plaster and flat screen TV. The sounds of our growls filled the air. Emmett and Carlisle now each had a hand on Jasper and were dragging him out of the room as he thrashed against them, trying to get to Bella and her blood.

I hadn't moved; I was guarding the door, allowing no one near her. I hadn't taken a breath, knowing if I did I would be the one to cause her demise. The monster within me wanted to turn and savor the feast I knew was laid out behind me. He screamed inside for a small drink, just a mouthful, a lick of the blood freely flowing. The monster kept taunting me that we didn't have to kill Bella, just indulge on the blood that was going to waste.

I shook my head, hoping to clear the thoughts away. I couldn't do something so vulgar to Bella, to my angel. Suddenly a vision from Esme showed Bella was laying in a crumpled mess behind me. There was far more blood around her then a mere scrap to the head could account for. I slowly turned, swallowing back the venom that was pooling in my mouth. Esme called out to Carlisle to come quickly.

I felt like I was living in a tunnel. Everything I was processing was foggy and I felt removed from what was actually happening. I could hear my family talking, some rushing about, others standing still, but I couldn't focus or care enough to pay attention to any of them. All my thoughts were on Bella. Finally, I could see into the bathroom. The mirror above the sink was shattered, and Bella sat in a corner surrounded by glass with cuts littering her arms, blood pouring from them. A few appeared very deep.

I felt someone tugging my arm, trying to get me to move, I couldn't. I no longer had control of myself, I knew if I moved even a centimeter in any direction, the precarious hold I had on myself would snap and I would go after Bella. I felt the arms around me becoming more insistent and the words were louder, but I still wasn't able to focus on any of it.

Then Bella looked up at me. Her face that had been confused and upset slowly turned to dawning horror as she looked at me. No, she wasn't looking at me; she was looking at the monster, something I had tried with all my power to never let her see. Her glance slipped from me to something or someone behind me.

Finally, my focus opened up. I could hear Rosalie and Esme screaming in their thoughts, trying to get my attention Carlisle was beside me, grabbing my arm, trying to talk sense into me, so I would move so he could treat Bella. I couldn't hear Jasper, Emmett or Alice; I assumed they had left. I slowly turned my head to look at Carlisle.

_That's it. Focus on me. You can do it Edward. Stay with me. All I want to do is help Bella. You know she needs help. Let me by Edward, I won't harm her. _ Carlisle kept up with the calming thoughts. I felt Rosalie come and tug at my arm. I took one last look at my angel. She was looking, at me completely broken, and I knew there was nothing I could do for her except cause her more pain. I bent my head and ran out the door, away from the blood, away from the temptation, away from my angel.

I ran for miles, Esme and Rose following me, breathing in the deep clean scent of the woods, knowing it wasn't laced with Bella's scent. How had a night that started so perfectly ended so badly? Would Bella be ok? I thought back on the damage I had seen. There was a lot of blood, but none of it appeared to have been pulsing out of her, which would have indicated that a major artery had been hit.

_Edward, we need to find Jasper. He should have calmed down by now and I'm sure he hates himself. _Esme thought. I nodded. Rose was on the phone with Alice finding out where they were. I turned and ran in the direction Alice indicated.

As we got closer, I could hear their thoughts. Emmett, like Rose and Esme with me, was worried about Bella and concerned that Jasper and I were going to do something stupid. Alice was worried about her mate, knowing Jasper hated himself and was trying to figure out what she could do to help me. Jasper was depressed and castigating himself for his actions.

He looked up at me as I stopped in front of him. _I'm sorry_. He thought. I simply nodded. I wanted to be mad at him, to rage that this was his fault, but it wasn't. Bella was playing with vampires, with monsters. As long as we were part of her life, this was what she would be a part of. The only way to prevent this from happening again was to leave her. That would be the best protection we could give her. Was I strong enough to do it though . . .?

* * *

**Don't Panic!!!!** I promise, It'll be ok, I've had this planned from the very beginning, all will be ok! Trust me! Chapter 26 will be with my pre-reader tomorrow and my beta by Wednesday so there shouldn't be a delay next week! You should really be happy. I had thoughts of just killing Bella off this chapter and mentioned it on Twitter and gesh people came out of the woodwork telling me not to. I explained Bella wants to die, Edward wants to suck her blood, it would be a win-win and a happy ending. Apparently this ending would not meet the definition many have on HEA's and GinnyW31 actually took to schooling me on FF and what an acceptable HEA is. LOL So there ya go, Bella could be dead!!!

Now I do know that cliffies are mean, I know. But really we are almost at the end of this section of getting to know one another fast. In two chapters the tone will change and you'll all need to strap on for a bumpy ride, there won't be cliffies in that section really, but yeah, not a lot of fun either so enjoy the cuddling and playing! On the plus side that means answers to questions that have been plaguing you, and Edward for that matter aren't far away!

My Rec this week: The Letter by changedbyEdward. Rapper Edward and professor Bella hit it off, it's nice, not super angsty and fun.

***Out Take** I have an out take for this chapter. It is pure fluff with nothing extra. It is the day that Emmett and Bella hung out. I know a lot of people aren't reading the OT, let me assure there are no spoilers and no retelling word for word conversations with differing POV's. They are things going on with the Cullen's that Edward isn't present for but nothing spoilerish in anyway. So if you want some fluff see Emmett take Bella to a football game!

Thank you to Nissa and Ronnie, you two are wonderful to me! I don't know if I would keep going without you both. Ronnie I'm still jealous of your daughter that is in Italy traveling right now!


	26. Aftermath

**Chapter 26 – Aftermath**

Suddenly, I was pinned to the ground by Alice. I growled, my animal instincts reacting to being attacked. "What the hell Alice!"

"Stop it. Don't even think about leaving her right now." Jasper, Emmett and Rose started growling at the idea of leaving, and their thoughts had turned violent. "Did you see what happened as soon as you made the decision to leave, or where you so absorbed in your self-pity you missed it?"

I shrugged, throwing Alice off of me and stood up. "What?"

Instead of showing me the vision she had, she explained it out loud, knowing if my family heard they would jump on the band wagon of being upset with me. "Simple. I saw Bella dead before Christmas and you following soon after." I shook my head; it wasn't possible. "Yes, dear brother. I didn't need to look in Bella's future to see it. Your decision would tear this entire family apart; Jasper would leave to get away from the guilt, and I would follow. Emmett and Rose wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt that Carlisle and Esme would carry. The whole family would be gone!"

"No!" I shouted tearing at my hair.

Esme came and sat next to me. "Edward, it's ok. We'll figure it out. I promise; it'll be ok."

I kept shaking my head. "No it won't. Don't you understand? We are always going to be a threat to her. She did nothing wrong, and now because of a bump on her head, she almost ended up dead, is covered in blood, and is being stitched up. She did nothing wrong!" I yelled.

Jasper kept a mantra, apologizing in his thoughts, and it was making me mad. "Jasper! Stop it. I know you didn't mean to lunge at Bella." I started pacing. I no longer had the ability to sit still; I was too agitated. I was mad, I was mad at Jasper. I was mad at myself. I was even mad at Bella, which made no sense. The fact was, this was inevitable. If a human hung around with vampires, this exact thing was going to happen.

My family's thoughts were overpowering, full of pity and concern. I knew they meant well, but hearing them was tearing at me. I needed to get away. As I turned to run Alice called out. "I'll be watching. If you do anything stupid, I will hurt you!" I knew it wasn't an idle threat.

I ran to get away from my family. I ran to get away from the monster that wanted to go back and drink from Bella, still savoring the smell of that elixir draining from her. I ran to get away from myself and my thoughts, hoping I could outrun them, yet knowing I couldn't. I ran and kept running, no destination in mind.

After a time, I felt my phone vibrate. I considered not answering. Only knowing it could be Carlisle with news on Bella caused me to check it. It was Carlisle; I turned from the direction I was in, already heading home, without even hearing what he had to say yet.

"Hello"

"I just dropped Bella off at home. She's fine. Why don't you come back for a minute? I can discuss her injuries, then you can check on her."

I took note of where I was. "I should be home in forty-five minutes." I closed my phone and continued home, letting my thoughts drift to Bella, knowing I would never see her again, unless I spied her from afar. How scared she had to be when all I could do was focus on my thirst and not on her. I truly was a monster.

I got home and took note that my entire family was there. Through their thoughts I could see that Carlisle had talked to them and let them know Bella was fine. He was talking to Jasper, trying to assuage the guilt Jasper was carrying and filling the whole house with.

I walked into the room, saying nothing and looking at no one. My family noted how disheveled and upset I was. I ignored it all. All that mattered was Bella, and if she would at least let me say goodbye.

Carlisle came up to me. _Edward, look at me._ I took a deep breath and looked up into my mentor's eyes, expecting censure or judgment for having come so close to killing a human in our house; not just any human, but one who had formed a bond of sorts with each one of us. Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder. _I don't blame you, and you can't blame yourself. Bella doesn't blame you either. _

I snorted.

Carlisle quirked a brow at me. _You don't believe me? Let me show you._

**********

_Edward, Esme and Rose left. I approached Bella, who was cowering in the corner with her heart racing. I moved slowly and started talking to her in soothing tones, trying to get her to understand I wasn't a threat to her. She focused on me immediately, which gave me pause. She wasn't acting like she was in shock, but she had to be. _

"_Bella, are you ok?' She nodded clutching her bleeding arm in her hand against her chest. "I'm going to come in the bathroom. I need to look at your arm. Is that ok?"_

_Bella nodded again. I slowly walked in and held my hand out for her to place her arm in. I kept my eyes on Bella's eyes, so she knew I wasn't overcome with thirst, planning to come after her. I quickly glanced at her arm and saw nothing that led me to believe we needed to rush to the hospital, but she would need a few stitches. _

_I looked right back in her eyes. "Can you stand up? I would like to get you in my office. A few of those cuts need stitches, and all of them need cleaning."_

_Bella started to get up, but flinched. I grabbed her arm as gently as I could, yet with enough force to offer help. She again flinched; I couldn't tell if it was from fear or pain. I couldn't do anything about either at this point, so I kept going. _

_She walked slowly up to my office where I had a medical kit and a fireplace. Both would be of use right then. I sat Bella in a chair and quickly went to the fireplace to start a small fire. I then left for a few seconds to wash my hands. I came back into the office to see Bella hadn't moved at all. _

_I walked slowly towards her, unsure of what her response was going to be. I gestured towards her arm. "May I have a better look at that now?" Bella held her arm out to me. Her shirt was in the way of some of the cuts. "Bella, can we take your shirt off so I can get a better look at your arm? You're going to need stitches, and I can't do it with the shirt on." Bella's already white complexion paled more. "I promise I won't hurt you or take advantage of you."_

_Bella swallowed and her heart raced; she was starting to have a full fledge panic attack. "Ok, never mind. Keep your shirt on. Since it's already ruined, would it be ok if I cut the sleeve to get at the cuts?"_

_Bella's eyes took a minute to focus on me. I could see she was trying to process what I said, but she was so caught in her head, she couldn't make sense of it._

"_Breathe, Bella, breathe. Your shirt stays on. I'll just cut it. Ok?" Bella nodded with short jerky movements. I gently held her arm as I dug in my bag for a scissors. I cut her sleeve away, tearing open a few cuts that had already started closing. I cleaned her arm with a rag I had brought with me after I washed my hands. She slowly composed herself, and her breathing evened out._

"_Have you had stitches before?" I asked preparing a local numbing agent for the few deeper cuts._

_Bella chuckled lightly, which surprised me. She didn't appear to be going into shock, but she shouldn't be laughing either. "Carlisle, you've seen me walk. Do you think this is the first time I've had stitches?"_

_It appeared she was joking. Huh. Bella could obviously handle a lot. I smiled at her, acknowledging her penchant for falling down. "I suppose you've had stitches a few times, is that what you're saying?"_

_Bella smiled. "Maybe once before." Then she winked at me. _

_I was starting to get nervous; this really wasn't a normal reaction to what Bella had gone through. As I was injecting places on her arm, I continued talking to her. "You seem to be taking this rather well."_

_Bella tilted her head considering. "I'm worried about Edward and Jasper, but I know I'm fine."_

"_You don't need to worry about them; we won't let them hurt you. Even though Edward is drawn to your blood, he was able to stop himself. As for Jasper, that isn't typical, I know he struggles more than the rest of us, having come to our lifestyle later than the rest. I don't know what happened tonight, but I promise I'll talk to him and see what needs to be done so it doesn't happen again. We'll keep you safe."_

"_No, Carlisle, you misunderstand me. I'm worried about them, how they're doing right now. Knowing Edward, and the little I know of Jasper, I'm sure they're beating themselves up; they shouldn't be. This was my fault. I'm such a klutz. This wouldn't happen if you weren't so generous as to allow me in your lives. I'm causing problems."_

_I sighed. Her fault? I couldn't wrap my head around that. I had known people with martyr complexes in my years on earth, but this was highly unnatural. _

"_Bella, this wasn't your fault. It wasn't really anyone's."_

_Bella looked me dead in the eyes and said with no hesitation and in a voice that was eerie in its tone, "no, it's my fault. It's always my fault. Others must suffer because of my misdeeds."_

_I stopped what I was doing and looked at Bella, wishing Jasper was here. He was much better suited to deal with something like this. I was able and willing to put people's bodies back together, but Jasper had the expertise to put their minds and emotions back together. I considered what I should say while I started stitching up Bella's arm. _

"_Everything isn't your fault. Sometimes things happen that we have no control over; that doesn't mean we caused it."_

_Bella watched me stitch her arm, never making a noise or shedding a tear. "It's my fault. I'm a bad person. I do bad things." Her voice held the same eerie; almost sing song quality to it. She was parroting something that had been told to her; who or why, I had no clue. Listening to it was causing a shiver to run up my spine. I continued stitching in silence, not knowing what else to say. _

_I was almost done when Bella shifted slightly. I made no comment. Up until that point she had held herself ridged not moving a muscle, again an unconventional reaction. I hoped this meant she was breaking out of whatever paradigm she had been existing in since the accident. _

_I looked up and saw her peering at me in confusion, not the placid face she was wearing earlier. I raised an eye brow at her, but said nothing. _

"_How can you do that?" she blurted out. _

"_Do what?"_

"_Stitch me up. I'm covered in blood. Why aren't you affected like the rest?"_

_I smiled. "Practice, years and years of practice. I see my becoming a vampire as giving me enhanced abilities to help people. My speed and strength come in handy. Never getting tired is a considerable advantage in marathon OR sessions; I'm always at the top of my game. Even my sense of smell allows me to diagnose some things."_

_Bella simply nodded at me. We were quiet as I finished up. I wrapped up her arm and stepped back. "You'll be fine. I'm going to get you some medicine to take the edge off the pain. I'll come see you in a few days to take the stitches out. Ok?"_

"_No pain medicine, I'll be fine."_

"_Bella, really, you should take something."_

_She shrugged. "Fine, give me some pills, but I won't take them."_

_I sighed, so stubborn. "Ok, I'm going to get you a new shirt; I'm sure Esme has something you can wear. Then I'll take you home. Is that ok?"_

_Bella gave me a small smile. "That would be great. Thank you, for everything."_

_I smiled, "Anytime. I consider you part of my family." I left to get her a new shirt letting my words sink in. _

_*****_

I looked at Carlisle in shock. My mind raced through all that had happened while I had been gone; all of Bella's reactions, none of which made sense. I didn't even know what to say at this point. Carlisle nodded, understanding my thoughts or lack thereof.

I ran my hands through my hair. "I'm going to go to Bella's," I said. I was still processing everything Carlisle had shown me: her eerie voice when talking about it being her fault; the lack of negative reaction to what happened; her concern, not for herself but for Jasper and me. I got in my car and drove to Bella's at a slower speed than normal, as my thoughts were consumed with Bella.

I got to her house, to find her in the kitchen, preparing her tea. I smiled. She looked so normal. She was fresh from a shower in baggy sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt, and she was beautiful. When her tea was ready she came outside to her glider. She sat and held her tea running her finger around the rim, not drinking or smelling it. This was a new thing for her. I could only assume she was processing everything that had happened that night.

She stopped and looked up into the woods where I was at. For some reason my breath caught and I couldn't move. In a normal voice Bella spoke. "I know you're out there Edward. Please come here and talk to me."

I was shocked and couldn't move. How did she know I was here? I didn't know what to do. "Edward, stop freaking out and just come sit by me. I know you're probably mad, but I hate apologizing to people I can't see."

I slipped from the tree I was in and slowly walked to where Bella was sitting in her glider. She flicked her glance toward me then looked away. I stopped in front of her and placed my hands in my pockets. I was scared she was going to send me and my family away. I was trying to process how she knew I was there. Had she always known? What did that mean? I didn't know what to say or how to react, part of me sure she was going to ask me to leave for good.

We sat in silence for quite a while. Finally, Bella broke it. "I'm sorry."

I took a deep breath. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Bella let out a humorous laugh. "Did I or did I not, harm your family tonight with my klutzy nature?"

I sighed. "You did not. You tripped, Bella, hardly a crime worth being killed for. You didn't do anything wrong, I did, Jasper did, not you."

Bella shrugged. I could see I wasn't going to convince her. I decided to turn the conversation instead of arguing. "How did you know I was here?"

She looked confused at my question and looked down into her tea cup. "I don't know. I just . . . I always know when you're around." For the first time since she glanced at me when I came out of the woods, she looked at me again. "Can't you tell when I'm around?"

"Of course I can. I can smell your scent over a mile away. I can hear your voice and heart beat through a crowded room. I always know when you're close." I didn't understand; none of that applied to Bella.

"Umm, I don't know. I just can tell when you're around. I know you spend most nights outside my window."

I was appalled that she knew this. "Why have you never said anything?"

"I don't know. You never said anything; nothing bad happened. It took a while for me to even catch on, I felt someone watching me, but once I figured out it was you," she shrugged again, "it just wasn't a big deal." She looked over me. "Sit down Edward; you make me nervous just standing there."

I smiled and sat next to her. I started thinking of the past nights when I would watch Bella looking out her kitchen window, or when she was sitting in this very glider, staring into the woods where I was watching her. She knew it was me. Then I considered her actions after we had kissed. "Bella, is that why, after we kissed, you were out of your house so much that week, why you didn't come home that night or the day after?"

Bella slid me an uneasy glance. "Part of it; it was just easier to think without you watching over me. But that was only part of it; that first night and day, I went to my thinking place. I just needed to get out of my house."

"You have a thinking place?"

"Yeah, just a place to watch the ocean and think. Nothing special." That explained why I could smell the ocean on her. I felt bad that I had caused her to leave her house; I didn't want to do that.

I considered some more. "That's why you turned up your music and went to the basement to take your phone call."

Bella hung her head. "Yeah. Did you still hear?"

I felt horrible at this point. "Well, it's possible I may have been in your kitchen listening while you had that conversation. To be fair, I would have heard you, and most likely Claire, even if I had been outside."

Bella simply nodded. "Are you mad?" I had to ask.

Her brows furrowed. "I should be . . . I guess in some ways I am . . . but no, not really at this point." She snorted. "I honestly don't get it. Normally I hate anyone that does anything for me, but with you I just don't mind as much. You've never harmed me, or made me do anything I don't want to. Sometimes . . . it's comforting? . . . to know someone is out there watching over me. My own personal angel."

"Well the angel part is correct, but it applies to you, not me." Bella shook her head. She turned to ask me something when my phone rang. "One minute," I told her.

I saw it was Carlisle. "Hello," I answered.

"How's Bella?"

I looked at her, she was staring at me. "She's fine." She rolled her eyes and I held back a chuckle, so independent.

"Do you think she's up for visitors?"

"Visitors?" Bella gave me a questioning look. I held a finger up so she'd give me a moment.

"Do you think she'd mind if we came and visited? Jasper wants to talk to her? Is she sleeping yet? I didn't want to call not knowing." Carlisle said.

"One minute, let me ask her." I turned to Bella. "Do you mind if some of my family visits for a few minutes?" She shook her head, but I could read the questions in her eyes. "That's fine Carlisle. We're in the backyard."

I hung up. "It sounds like Jasper wants to talk to you for a bit. Carlisle didn't know if you were still up, so he called me first not wanting to wake you."

"Does your whole family know that you sit outside my house?"

I hung my head. This was truly embarrassing. "Yeah, they know; how could they not? I'm rarely home anymore."

"Is it normal for all of you? Do you sit and watch over humans often?"

I snorted. The idea of watching over humans was ludicrous. "No, we don't watch over humans. Normally it's all we can do to ignore them. I mean, we try to blend in. We don't want to sit at home all day every day doing nothing, so school helps break the monotony. Well it's supposed to, but it's its own monotony. Anyway, we don't usually make it a point to get to know humans. Why bother? We have to leave every few years when people notice we don't age."

"So I'm different?"

"Yeah, Bella, you're different. Alice is the only one of us that tries to make friend with humans. She doesn't remember being one at all, so it's her way of trying to connect. When you went to your first sorority meeting, Alice connected with you. At that point, she wasn't going to leave you alone. When I came back this semester, she asked me to read your thoughts and learn more about you." I felt Bella tense next to me.

"It's ok. Remember I can't read your thoughts." She nodded but the tension didn't leave her shoulders. "When I saw you I was amazed that I couldn't read your thoughts; that had never happened to me before. Then in sociology I met you and smelled your scent, and I was instantly drawn to you because of it.

"At that point, everything became about me keeping you alive. I was terrified I was going to kill you. I didn't know how to prevent it. I decided to get use to your scent, hence why I was here, where your scent is so powerful. Then I stayed because you're very calming; watching you go about, your strength, I didn't want to leave."

Bella was quiet while she considered what I had said. "Will you be leaving soon?"

I shook my head. "No, we're here for a while." I looked at her and saw the concern etched on her face, and I tentatively rubbed her cheek. She looked up at me, and her eyes were so forlorn. "Hey, don't worry. You know what we are, so we don't have to leave you. We'll figure something out. Ok?"

She nodded I then saw another emotion I couldn't place cross her face. "But is that safe? Is it fair for me to stay with you when I am a temptation?"

I sat back and rubbed my face with my hands. Here was the crux of the issue. Bella needed us, but we were a danger to her. "Honestly, Bella, that's something you need to decide." I sat thinking of an analogy. "This isn't a perfect analogy, but it works. Human blood is like heroine. For us, it is all that satisfies. I explained that to you already.

"For Jasper, it's harder. He lived on human blood for decades. Being around humans is a bit like putting a drug addict in a crack house. He's gotten very good at being around humans but sometimes he still struggles. Tonight the suddenness of your bleeding, just shocked and overwhelmed him. He knows this and will most likely be staying away from you just in case."

Bella's shoulder slumped. "I don't want him to leave because of me. You're his family, I should leave."

Jasper stepped out of the woods at that point. He had heard my explanation and had been hanging back to see Bella's reaction. Alice and Carlisle stayed in the woods, not wanting to overwhelm Bella but showing support for Jasper. He walked up to Bella, standing a few feet away. "Please don't do that. "

Bella's head shot up. She hadn't seen Jasper approaching. She stood up and then seemed to hesitate. "Jasper, are you ok?"

I could hear the exasperation of his thoughts. "Yeah,_ I'm_ fine. How are _you_?"

Bella looked confused. I simply shook my head. "I'm fine, Jasper I do worse to myself all the time. It really isn't a big deal."

Jasper took a step closer and motioned for Bella to sit back down. "It's a big deal to me. Can I explain?"

"You don't have to explain, but if it makes you feel better."

Jasper glanced at me, his thoughts concerned with how Bella was taking everything. Her emotions were showing only concern for Jasper, no anger at all. _It really isn't natural for her to be so complacent about what happened._ I shrugged I had no answers for it either.

Jasper spoke, "Normally I control myself better than that. I haven't slipped in many years. Tonight, everyone was so happy, so playful; the emotions were so wonderful that I basked in it. Your accident happened so suddenly, and all the happy was gone in an instant, I was left with immediate hunger, not only from myself, but I could feel it from each of my family members. It overwhelmed me. I'm sorry."

I could see Bella struggling to stay where she was and not go over to Jasper and offer him comfort. "It's ok Jasper. I don't blame you. It was my fault, I'm klutzy and should watch myself more carefully. It isn't fair that I'm in a house full of vampires, knocking into and tripping on things. Your home should be where you feel safe and not threatened. I took that from you tonight."

"No, Bella, you didn't do anything wrong, it's not your fault. Please don't think that."

Bella simply nodded, though there was nothing in her eyes or demeanor that suggested she agreed with Jasper. He looked at me. _This isn't good .She's blaming herself for things she shouldn't. She'll never heal like this. _ I gave him a tight nod. He was right.

He turned and addressed Bella. "Listen, I'm gonna go, I just wanted to apologize. Please do not stop coming to our house. It would hurt the whole family and make me feel incredibly guilty."

Bella tried to give a smile, "I'll still come over."

Jasper nodded, ran back to the woods, and took off toward home. I sat back watching Bella, who looked upset and confused. "He meant it you know. He still wants you to visit the family as you always have."

Bella shook her head. "I just don't get it. Why are you so forgiving? I should be punished, not forgiven."

I whispered. "Why would you be punished?"

Bella looked off into the distance and shrugged. "Because I was bad and tempted you, which caused you to almost sin."

I was confused, her words making no sense. "Bella, you did nothing wrong. Are you saying God can't forgive you?"

Bella snorted and got up. "God has nothing to do with it." She started walking into her house. "Listen, it's late, I'm going to bed." She walked in and left the door open. I sat there stunned, I had no clue what we had been talking about, or if I was suppose to follow her.

I watched as she rinsed out her tea cup and went upstairs, leaving the door open and the kitchen lights on. She knew that I had been keeping track of her. Was this her way of saying I could come in? I listened to her get ready for bed upstairs. She then shut her bedroom door and climbed under her covers. Normally she didn't shut her bedroom door. I decided this meant I should come in the house, but stay away from her room. I was still confused, but decided to go in.

I spent the night leaning against the wall that connected to Bella's room. I listened all night to her breathing, her talking and her screaming, wishing there was something to take her pain away. While she was in restful slumber I marveled at the implicit trust she had given me by leaving the kitchen door open so I could come in.

As morning dawned, I left my place in the hall and decided I would make Bella breakfast. I hadn't had the opportunity to make breakfast before, so I looked up some simple things on my Blackberry. When Bella came into the kitchen I had a spread of juice, coffee, eggs, sausage and pancakes out for her.

She stopped short when she saw it all. "Edward, you didn't have to do all this!"

I smiled at her. "It's not a problem. It gave me something to do since I was here anyway."

She sat down to eat, picking at her food thinking about something. I sat across from her, waiting for her to open up the conversation but she didn't. Finally I couldn't take it any longer. "Talk to me. Something's bugging you."

She glanced at me, and then looked at her food taking a deep breath. "I talk in my sleep."

The sentence hung in the room. I didn't know what she wanted me to say, so I simply replied. "Yes, you do."

She squirmed a bit. "What have I said?" She refused to look at me.

I contemplated how to answer this. I decided to laugh instead of jumping into the worst of it. "Well, let me see. You've talked about not liking lemons in your spaghetti sauce, whether cows should be allowed to drive cars, if cats should be on boats. Many, many insightful thoughts come from you in your night ponderings." I said with a smile.

She glanced up at me and giggled. "I don't want to know!"

I laughed. "It certainly is more entertaining than watching Emmett play Halo again."

She continued to smile for a bit, and then it faltered. "I was talking though, about my nightmares. What have I said then?"

I sat back and looked at her. "Honestly? Not much. Most of it is incoherent or screams. Sometimes you ask someone to stop, and you've called out my name a few times." I didn't know if I should continue.

Bella nodded. "I haven't said anything else then?"

"No, you haven't." I struggled for a bit but couldn't contain myself. "Though, it seems that I've been hurting you in your sleep." The idea crushed me. Each time she called my name in pain a part of me died again.

Bella looked horrified. "Edward, I've never dreamed of you hurting me."

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? Then when you are screaming my name? What am I doing if I'm not hurting you?"

Bella looked down and picked at her cuffs. "Well, there are two main times you're in my dreams. Either someone is trying to hurt you, and I'm trying to stop them; or I'm searching for you, needing help and can't find you."

I pondered and searched back through all the times I had heard her call my name. In the light she was giving I could see that it was possible I wasn't hurting her. "Thank you. You don't know how I've struggled, thinking you dreamed of me causing you pain."

She nodded, still not looking at me. "What else is bugging you?"

She looked at me, so broken. "Does your family all know about my nightmares?"

I was surprised by the question. "Yes, they all know you have nightmares. They've all heard as well. Sometimes some will come keep me company or to chat. I promise; it's not a big deal. No one thinks less of you, and you don't say anything revealing."

Bella simply nodded. I could see she was working through everything I had said. "Hey," I said, "eat before your food gets cold."

Bella dug in and started eating. I watched her pondering how to ask what I needed to know. "Bella, why did you leave the door open last night for me to come in?"

She shrugged. "Wouldn't you have come in anyway?"

"Not if you didn't want me to. I will respect your wishes."

Bella looked at me. It was her piercing gaze that looked through me and saw everything I was. "You may come in."

I smiled. Bella was willingly letting me into her space. I hoped it wouldn't be long before she let me inside her head and not just her house.

* * *

See I told you not to panic. Did you all really think the Cullens would just let Edward leave??? No Way!!!

For a Rec this week I'm going to suggest Bondgirl. She has three pieces she's working on and one will fit your style. Violet, Unexpected or His Darkest Realm. Check out one or all.

Thank you to Nissa and Ronnie you ladies keep me going and make me smile!


	27. Being Left Alone

**Chapter 27 – Being Left Alone**

Bella and I were curled up on her couch. It was late Thursday, and I knew she was leaving in five days. She hadn't said anything to me about it. The last two weeks, she had spent all her time studying and getting ahead. She had started taking her finals yesterday, and I knew she had two more tomorrow. Right now, she was zoned out on the couch next to me, with my arm around her and her head on my shoulder.

"Edward," she said into the silence.

"Hmm?"

"May I ask you something?" I looked down at the top of her head.

"Of course. What's on your mind?"

"You know homecoming night?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

She took a deep breath. "Well, you kissed me."

I smiled. "Yeah, I remember that."

"You haven't kissed me since."

"No, but that isn't a question." I didn't want to play games; I wanted to know exactly what was on her mind.

"I was wondering why you haven't. Kissed me again, that is."

My body tightened in anticipation. "Do you want me to?"

Bella shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe part of me, but mostly, I wonder why you haven't tried again."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "I don't want to push you. Last time you panicked. I don't want that to happen again. I guess I've been waiting to get a clear signal from you that you want another kiss."

Bella shifted, and I moved my arm. She sat up, turned and looked at me. There was a look of determination in her eye. "I want you to kiss me again."

I felt like the air had been sucked out of me. I brushed her cheek with the back of my hand and whispered, "Are you sure? You have nothing to prove."

She nodded then placed a hand behind my neck and put pressure trying to pull me into her. "I'm sure."

Her eyes fluttered, and I leaned in brushing my lips across hers. Instantly, the fire from them consumed me. I needed more than a chaste brushing of our lips together. I brought my lips back to hers and kissed her with more fervency. I kept fighting to focus on her, how soft she was, and not harming her. She took a shuttering breath. I moved from her beautiful lips, trailing light kissed across her cheek to her jaw and kissing down it. When I reached her chin, I couldn't hold back, and connected with her lips breathing in as she breathed out, basking in her essence.

I moved from her mouth to her bottom lip, taking it in between mine and sucking softly. She moaned, and the sound went straight to my engorged manhood causing me to groan. I pulled back slightly, and Bella whimpered. I was lost. I brought my lips back to hers and continued sucking on her bottom lip.

Bella started tugging on my hair. The feeling was incredible with her lips against mine. Then she tentatively licked across my upper lip, and I instinctively opened my mouth and her tongue hesitantly entered. I thought I was losing my mind. I grabbed her around her waist, not letting our lips part, and placed her on my lap, straddling me. My hands stayed on her hips, rubbing back and forth. Her hands were still in my hair pulling and tugging as our tongues did a delicate dance with each other.

I noted that my angel wasn't breathing and hadn't in too long. With all the effort I had, I pulled back to give her space to breath. I laid my forehead on hers, both of us breathing with shallow breaths, mine a natural reaction, hers because she was out of breath. Her hands were no longer tugging my hair, but laying on my neck, rubbing a soothing pattern on it.

"Wow," she whispered after a few moments.

I smiled. "Yeah, wow."

We sat staring at each other, neither saying anything, but happy with how we were. Bella shifted and brushed across my erection. I hissed at the friction. She stiffened. Suddenly she was out of my lap and across the room, sliding down the wall having a panic attack. She mumbled "Please don't hurt me, I'm sorry" over again and again.

I groaned to myself, having no clue what to do right now. Normally, I could clam my angel down from her panic attacks, but this one I caused. I briefly wondered if I should call Jasper, Carlisle or Alice, but decided to try calming her on my own first. If that didn't work, I would get reinforcements.

As I stood and slowly walked toward her she started screaming. I stopped moving forward, crouched to her level, and began talking to her in a low clam voice, uttering platitudes and encouragement. It took a while before my voice breached her panic and her voice started quieting. She stayed curled in a ball, shaking. I continued speaking to her, assuring her that I wasn't going to harm her and that she was safe.

After what felt like an eternity, she looked up at me, her eyes scared, upset and guilty. I reached a hand toward her, and spoke in a low voice. "Can I come closer? I promise I won't harm you." I watched the conflict in her eyes before she finally nodded.

I slowly crawled to her, again telling her I wouldn't harm her, and she was going to be ok. When I finally reached her, I sat in front of her, not touching her in any way. I slowly reached my hand out, palm up, hoping she would take my hand; I needed that connection to her.

Slowly she pulled her hand off her legs and took mine. I grasped it lightly and smiled. "Bella, angel, please talk to me. I think I know what happened, but please talk to me. I never want you to be scared of me. You have no reason to be scared, not like that."

Bella took a deep breath and looked away collecting her thoughts. "I was scared . . . Not of you per se . . . Well yeah I was scared of you . . . what you would do to me . . . I just . . . Do you hate me? I mean I don't mean to do bad things. I'm sorry."

I held my hand stopping the flow of words from her. "You didn't do anything wrong."

She looked at me in anguish. "Yes I did. I made you . . . I mean you were . . . that was my fault, and I shouldn't have done that to you."

I sighed. "Are you talking about me having an erection?" I decided to stop tip toeing around and face the whole thing head on. She needed to know I wouldn't harm her like that, ever. She looked panicked again and nodded. "Listen, that's not your fault. It's my issue; it's a natural reaction to being in a situation like we were."

"But aren't you in pain. Don't you now have to get ,umm, release?"

"No, I don't. I'm not in pain." She looked skeptical, so I elaborated. "Have you been told that? That when a man has an erection that _you_ need to . . . take care of it? That's it's _your_ fault, and a bad thing?" Bella wouldn't look at me, which made me think I was correct in my guess. "That's not true. Ever! Bella, I spend most of my time around you in a state of arousal. Did you never know that?"

She looked at me shocked. "You do?" I simply nodded. "But you've never hurt me?"

"And I never will. Just because my body has a physical reaction doesn't mean I have to give into it. I promise I won't ask you to do anything you don't explicitly tell me to or ask me for." I squeezed her hand gently. "Do you believe me?"

"I want to."

I slowly raised my hand and brushed it across her cheek. "I'll do everything I can to earn your trust. I promise you're safe with me."

"I'm sorry."

"Bella, you have nothing to apologize for. Nothing!" I took a deep breath, contemplating if I should ask my next question, deciding I would, and hoping it didn't back fire. "You're leaving soon, for a trial." Bella nodded. "Is this trial, I mean, did this person rape you?" I choked out the end of the sentence, rage building within me at the thought.

Horror crossed her face. "No."

"Did this person hurt you?"

She looked away, her breathing getting shallow and fast. "Please don't make me talk about it. Please, I just can't."

I took a chance and picked her up placing her in my lap, her legs across me, then laid her head on my shoulder and shushed her. "Shh, Shh, It's ok. We don't have to talk about it. Shh." She lay against my shoulder, shuddering, grasping onto my shirt, holding on as if she feared I would let her go. I rubbed her back and kept uttering words of encouragement, hoping to sooth her.

After she had calmed down, a bit I whispered to her. "I'm sorry I upset you."

"It's ok. I shouldn't get so panicked. I know in my heart that you won't hurt me, but my head and my body sometimes react, and I can't get past it."

"That's not uncommon for people that have been through something traumatic. There are people you can go to, which can help you with those reactions. Have you ever talked to anyone?" She shook her head. "Maybe you should." She shrugged.

"Listen, it's late, and you have to be worn out. You have exams tomorrow. Why don't you go get some sleep? We can talk more later."

Bella hugged me close to her, then started getting up. "Thank you Edward. Thank you for being so gentle and forgiving. I don't deserve it, but thank you for it."

I got up and kissed the top of her head. "Yes, you do deserve it, and always will. Sleep now, my angel." I gently nudged her to the stairs taking a deep breath, thinking through all we had just been through.

The next day found Bella extremely busy. Not only did she have her regular classes, she also had two exams to take and numerous phone calls in regards to her trip home. I watched Bella slowly close in on herself, and become more defensive in posture and attitude. It reminded me of when I had first seen her three months ago. I hadn't noticed how open she had become with my family and I, but seeing her now showed me how much progress she had really made.

That night she asked me if we could stay in and just watch movies. Normally we would have gone to my house but it was obvious she needed a night of quiet, and not the boisterous chaos that was my house. We spent the night cuddled up, watching funny movies and laughing.

The next day we went to my house mid morning, and she hung out with Alice and Rose for a while doing girl things. I played video games with Emmett, who, by now, had found out Bella was letting me in her house at night. He took it upon himself to make highly inappropriate comments. The only thing that saved him from me pounding him to the ground was he thought them, but didn't say them out loud; and he managed to control himself around Bella, and not tease her about it.

Bella came downstairs in time for dinner with her hair curled and pinned looking like a beautiful angel. "You were released from the torture chamber that is Alice's make-up and hair salon?" I asked with a smirk.

She rolled her eyes and smiled at me.

"Don't even start, my brother. Girl bonding time is sacred, and you, as a boy, wouldn't understand," Alice said, sticking out her tongue, as she came in behind Bella.

Bella suppressed a laugh, but the dancing in her eyes couldn't hide it.

"So my dear, what would you like for dinner?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I'm not hungry."

I walked up to her and brushed her hair off her face that was hanging down. "Hey, look at me." When her eyes met mine, they were so sad. She knew she was disappointing me. I had made it my mission to keep her eating well, and I knew there were times she only ate to keep me happy. "It's ok. I'm just worried because you haven't eaten since breakfast. How about I make a plate of fruit and you can nibble on that every now and then. Is that ok?" I tried to keep the worry from my face at how her appetite had decreased in the last few days. She had been making such great progress; I hated to see her back track now.

She nodded and tried to give me a smile, but it was sorely lacking.

Alice giggled behind me. "Good thing you didn't leave. Who would have made sure Bella ate?"

I groaned. "Leave it, Alice."

_Wait, you told her about your freak out didn't you?!_

I shook my head the tiniest amount.

Bella looked at me then at Alice. "You're leaving?" She grabbed onto my arm, as if hoping to keep me there.

"No, I'm not leaving." I said, brushing her cheek. "It's nothing. I promise."

Her worried look wasn't going away, and Alice piped up. "Oh for crying out loud, just tell her. It's not a big deal; you had a freak out and it's over."

Emmett came in, hearing the tension, hoping for entertainment. "Yeah, tell her what an emo, over-reacting guy you are. Wait, I bet she already knows."

Rose ran down the stairs and smacked Emmett on the head. "Stay out of it you nitwit."

Bella's eyes hadn't left mine; they were pleading for understanding. I took a deep breath. "Remember the night you bumped your head and things were a little chaotic?" She nodded at me. "Well, for a moment, I thought you would be better off if we left, so you didn't have to fear for your life just hanging around us."

"You thought I would be better without you?"

Alice snorted, "Yeah, until I showed him your and his future."

Bella paled and looked at Alice. Her hold on me tightened. "You're looking into my future. I thought you said you wouldn't do that."

Alice immediately realized her mistake and came over to Bella. "Oh hon, I'm not, I promise. The thing is, sometimes visions come without me looking for them, usually when it's something big that affects my family. That's what happened. Edward deciding to leave had a domino effect on the entire family. Through that I saw things going badly for you. I wasn't looking to check up on you; I promise."

Bella looked at me then back at Alice. "You didn't see anything about me then? I mean about what's happening now?"

Alice shook her head. "No, sweetie. Nothing."

Bella nodded and gave Alice a tiny smile. She looked at me. "Were you really going to leave?"

I sighed, "I don't know. I considered it. I just didn't want you to get hurt. Please believe me. It wasn't that I wanted to go; I just couldn't bear letting you be hurt because of what we are."

Bella nodded, and I again wished I could get inside her head to know what she was really thinking. Did she understand or not?

_Now's the perfect time to find out about this trial she's going to. _ Alice thought.

"No, Alice." I said too quietly for Bella to hear.

Of course she ignored me, and I growled. "Speaking of leaving, Bella, when do you leave?"

Bella looked startled for a minute; obviously she had been deep in thought about what we were talking about. "Oh, umm. I leave early Tuesday morning." She looked flustered for a minute and then stepped away from me. "I forgot. Alice, I have a flash drive with everything I said I would do for the sociology project." She went to her backpack and rummaged through until she found what she was looking for. Alice and I had followed her into the hall, where Bella handed it to her.

"Don't worry. I have the project done." Alice said.

Bella looked confused. "But what about my part? It's a group project; it wouldn't be fair for me not to help."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Please! I had the project done the weekend after we got it."

Bella looked upset. "Well, here, take it anyway. Maybe there's something on there you can use."

I smiled and grabbed her hand. "You really are something. If Alice doesn't look at it, I will. I promise we'll get your input in the project."

Alice huffed, not liking the idea of having to re-do her work. "Yeah we'll look at it. Now talk to me about this trip. You're going to be at a trial . . . "

Bella shifted her feet and glanced at me. "Yeah."

Alice continued, and my family filtered in the hall so they could see Bella's reactions. "Are you going alone?"

"Alone? I don't understand?"

"Simple. I want to know if we go come with you!" Alice stated.

Bella's eyes widened at Alice's pronouncement. "Go with me?" she choked out.

Alice held her gaze. "Yes, go with you. I have no clue what this trial is about; I just think you need support. I know I want to go; Edward wants to go; and I'm pretty sure everyone else wants to go as well."

"Oh," was all Bella could manage to reply. She looked around at my family, taking in their expressions. Her hand started shaking, and I grabbed it to try and calm her.

"It's ok, Bella. We don't all have to go if that would make you overwhelmed. But, I would really like to be there, to help give you support through whatever it is you'll be going through." I said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

"I, ah, I don't know what to say. I really don't. Umm, it would be best if I went alone. I mean, you all have things to do here. I won't be alone either; I have friends and family back home." Bella looked desperate.

Alice was upset, and started to talk when Carlisle stepped in. "That's ok, Bella. We were offering. We understand if you'd rather go alone; but you'll keep in touch, so we know you're safe, right?"

I was livid. Why was Carlisle dropping this so quickly? I didn't want Bella so far away, not knowing what was going on with her, or if she was ok physically and mentally. Carlisle sensed my agitation. _Don't push her right now, Edward. I know you want to go with her, but you can't force yourself on her. She needs to make her own decisions. Giving her support right now will go further than pushing her into a corner she doesn't want to be in. _

I gave him a curt nod, letting him know I heard and understood, but I didn't like it.

The rest of the evening passed with a slight strain. Everyone was feeling the weight of Bella's leaving, knowing she was facing something that would be hard for her. I tried to get her to eat some of the fruit I'd cut, but she ate very little of it. When it was time to go, she hugged everyone and thanked them for their support.

I drove her home, trying to figure out how to get her to let me go with her. She went to bed, and like each night for the last two weeks, I sat in the hall listening to her sleep. That night her sleep was especially restless, and I knew it was from the added stress she was under. I hated there was nothing I could do for her.

Sunday passed quietly. Bella finished a few papers she needed to turn in the next day and studied for her last exam. There wasn't much joking or laughter between us. Often she would be working and turn and look at me, her eyes sad. I tried to smile and lift her mood, but I don't think I did much good.

That night, she curled up on my lap, and never went to sleep. We didn't talk much, just sat together. I wanted so badly for her to open up to me and tell me what was going on, what she needed from me, for her to give me anything I could do to help her.

Monday, Bella looked like a zombie from lack of sleep. She had a short day of school. I told her I would take the day off and join her, but she insisted I go to class, and would see me later in the day. She needed to pack and finish a few things, so would be busy.

I rushed from my last class, anxious to get to Bella's. I found her packing a bag and mumbling about stupid cold weather. "I take it you aren't visiting Florida then?"

Bella jumped, not having heard me come in. "No, not exactly."

"Do you need any help?" I asked.

"No, I'm almost done."

"Bella, let me go with you." The words were out of my mouth before I even thought of saying them.

Her face became stricken. "No, I can't."

"Why?"

Bella sat on her bed and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I know I haven't been fair. You've shared so much with me, your darkest secret, and I haven't shared anything with you. It isn't even that I don't want to, I've thought about it, but I just can't. The words won't come out. You tell me nothing would change, but that's not true. Things would change, I'm not saying you would leave, though you might; but from that point on I know I would see pity in your eyes, and I couldn't bare that. I want to hang on to the concept that I can be with you and your family, and be normal."

I sat next to her. "I could still go. I wouldn't have to go to the trial, but I could be there for you when you came back at night."

Bella laid her head on my shoulder. "It wouldn't work, and you know it. With you reading minds, you would still know it all. Plus, I would be worried all the time about what you were thinking, and I don't need that distraction."

I pulled her to me. "I understand. I hate it, but I understand. Will you call me and let me know how you're doing."

She nodded, "Yeah, I will."

We sat for hours again, not saying much just staying together. The later it got the more I worried, knowing our time was coming to an end. I knew she was coming back, but still the thought of her being away and not knowing if she was safe was crushing me.

Finally, I pulled away from Bella. "You need to get a little sleep, my dear. Please, I don't want you to wear yourself out completely." I was worried about how stressed she already was, and she hadn't even gotten to the trial yet.

Bella looked at me, and I could see deep indecision in her eyes. I wondered what she was thinking. Finally she took a deep breath. "Will you . . . stay with me?"

"Of course," I whispered.

Bella nodded, grabbed her pajamas and went in the bathroom. I took a deep breath. Stay with Bella. Sleep with Bella. My whole body tightened, and I was so hard I worried I might break something with my erection. I tried to stay calm and will my erection away, but it wasn't happening.

Bella came back to her room tentatively. I tried to give her a reassuring look. She crawled under the covers and scooted back, so she was against the back of her day bed. I went over and climbed on top of the covers. I wasn't sure what she wanted, but I knew I needed to hold her. I placed an arm under her head and one on her hip. She smiled at me, her heart racing for a few minutes, and placed her hand in her favorite spot. Bella loved my hips. Her little hands would work their way under my shirt, and her thumb would rub my hip. Somehow her hand always found its way there. She was facing me, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

I spent the night touching her. No matter how I tried, I couldn't keep my hand still. It grazed her face and arm and across her back above the covers. I needed that connection, knowing I was soon losing it. She slept restlessly, and I hummed the lullaby I had composed so many months ago. It seemed to help her clam down sometimes.

When it was morning, she woke slowly, confused to find me in bed with her, but I could see when she remembered the night before. She smiled at me. "Thanks for staying."

"Anytime. Why don't you go grab a shower, and I'll fix you a quick breakfast." She nodded at me.

All too soon it was time for Bella to leave. She gave me a hug and kissed my cheek. "I'll miss you."

I kissed her forehead. "I already miss you. Please take care of yourself and let me know your ok."

She nodded and walked to the door. She turned to me, her eyes sad. Then she opened the door and left. I fell to my knees.

* * *

I promise all will be good!!! This had to happen this way, I promise! I have gotten a few messages asking about Edward again. He was complacent and not in a place where he had to consider what he feels or doesn't feel for Bella, he can't be complacent now. He needed a big nudge to move forward, he's going to get that soon. And yes there has been a lot that's happened to get to this point, but the things that have happened needed to happen before the next few chapters. We have built and built and I thank all of you that have been here for it, now . . . now the build is over. The next 5 or so chapters will be a lot of what you've wanted, and while there will be a few places I could leave you hanging with cliffies, I don't plan on it!

So the good news: chapter 28 is done and is the 2nd most requested chapter so far. The bad news: my beta is going on vacation next week so it won't post until the week after.

I have a question. Do you ladies (and I've heard possibly a gentleman) expect, want, or anticipate lemons in this story? I can write it with or without, I just kinda wondered what you were all thinking as you've been reading.

Thank you readers for sticking by me, I know this has been a long road so far, but I hope it hasn't been bad. Thanks to Ronnie and Nissa for reading and giving me thoughts and encouragement.

Rec this week: Underexposed by daisy3853, it's a Jasper and Bella fic, but it's well written and there is no hating on Edward. Give it a try it is really good.


	28. Mated?

**I'm posting early to make NMA and iluvec2 happy ****** important AN at bottom! Please read!**

**Chapter 28 – Mated?**

I was in class, not paying attention to anything. All my thoughts were focused on a girl who was unknown miles away. Everything in me rebelled at trying to act normally, though I knew I needed to. I just wanted to curl up in Bella's house and wait for her to come back.

My phone vibrated letting me know I had a text. I thought of ignoring it, figuring it was Alice. She had been sending me texts all day trying to cheer me up. She was annoying me. But I looked anyway.

_I arrived and am safe. I hope you are well. I miss you – B_

I sat up. My angel told me she was well. She arrived wherever she needed to go safely. I texted her back.

_I miss you as well. If you get a chance call me – E_

I didn't want to seem needy. She had left less than six hours ago, I spent more time than this away from her on various days during the week, but this was different. I knew she wouldn't be there later for me to see, to talk to.

The rest of the week contained the same monotony. Every day I went to class and then went to Bella's and sat curled up in her room, so I could feel close to her. The only thing that broke the cycle was the infrequent texts and phone calls I received from her that were stilted and forced. She already sounded strained and I wished I was there to take some of the pressure off her.

It was late Saturday afternoon. I was curled up in Bella's room as always, when I heard Carlisle's thoughts start to intrude on my solitude. He wasn't thinking anything in particular, but I could tell he had a purpose in coming. I assumed he was staging some kind of intervention to get me to leave Bella's house; it wouldn't work.

_Edward, please come down for a bit. You need to feed, and I want to talk to you. You can return when we're done._

I sighed. I didn't want to feed. I didn't want to hunt. I wanted to stay here immersed in Bella's scent. This was as close to her as I could get.

_Edward, please, I need to talk to you about something. It concerns Bella._

I perked up and flew out the window. "Is she ok? Did she call? Is there a problem?"

I reached Carlisle, and he placed a hand on my shoulder. _She's fine. There's nothing wrong. Please just come hunt with me, and we can talk. _

I sighed and nodded. We ran to a favored hunting ground, and both took down a few carnivores. Carlisle, in no way indicated to me what he wanted to talk about, and I tried hard to not push, though I wanted to. I knew it was pointless. He would talk when he was ready, and not before. When we were done, I turned to head back for Bella's, but Carlisle stopped me.

_Please, son, let's talk for a little while. I think it will help you._

I sighed and sat next to him. "What do you want to talk about? I miss Bella. She's gone. I have no idea where. I have no idea for how long? All I know is she is facing something she shouldn't have to, and I want to be there to help her!"

_Why is that?_

"Why is what?"

_Why do you want to be there for her?_

I looked at him. "Why wouldn't I?"

_I don't know. You've never expressed interest in someone like you have with Bella. Can you tell me about her? What makes her different? What do you feel and think about her when you're with her and when you're apart from her._

I sat for a moment and considered Carlisle's questions. He remained silent beside me, his thoughts amorphous and quiet. "She makes me feel human again. She brings out emotions and feelings I haven't felt since being changed. She brings a depth to me, in everything I do. When I'm with her, I feel a completeness I've never felt before. When I'm away from her, I feel as if the most important piece of me is missing, and I can't continue on. It's become my greatest joy to see her smile, and my dead heart breaks when she's hurting."

Carlisle nodded. _Can you humor me? Please describe what you know of a newly mated vampire._

"I don't understand."

_Just try. What happens when a vampire mates?_

I was frustrated, wondering why he was asking me this, and what it had to do with Bella. "I don't know." I huffed. "When a vampire mates it's instantaneous and mutual. It's as if the world has stopped and then continues turning, only now with their mate at the center. It's the only time a vampire changes. We change and grow with our mate to be the person that completes them, as they complete us. I don't understand what does this have to do with anything?"

_What, indeed. How is the way you described your feelings toward Bella different from the way you described a mated pair?_

"What? Are you suggesting that Bella and I are mated?" The idea was preposterous.

_Aren't you?_

I snorted. "Carlisle that's impossible and you know it."

_I know no such thing. Why is it impossible?_

"She's _human_!"

_Yes, what's your point?_

I was getting angry, and it showed in my condescending tone. "Vampires don't mate with humans. It's never happened before; there's no reason to think it's happened now. Hanging around Bella has brought me more in touch with my human side, and I'm concerned for her because she's fragile and breakable. Are you saying you're not concerned? If so does that mean you're mated to her as well?"

I could hear the exasperation in his thoughts. _Of course I'm concerned, but that doesn't mean I'm mated to her. I'm also functioning, while you aren't. _He took a deep breath. _You're wrong though. There have been vampires that have mated with humans, and you know it._

I looked at him. "There have been? Who? When?"

_I have, as did Rose._

"No you didn't. You mated with Esme and Rose with Emmett after their change.

Carlisle raised an eyebrow at me. _We did? I disagree. I had no reason to change Esme. I had only recently changed you. We were incredibly close, and you were everything I wanted in a companion. We could talk for hours on many subjects, we could be alone in silence working on our own things, and we could go out and about without needing to be with each other. I sometimes regret changing you; I know this life is hard on you, but I never regret the time we've had together. _

_I had no reason to seek out a different companion, no reason to search or want anything else. No, when I saw Esme, and I changed her, I wasn't looking for a companion. I needed her. Instantly, I knew my life was irrevocably changed and we belonged together above and beyond anything else I had ever experienced. When she was changed the feeling didn't change; it had already been there._

_Rose, think about it Edward. She was barely out of her newborn stage, yet she managed to carry a bloodied and broken Emmett for two hours to bring him to me to change. You know how Rose hates what she is, What, other than being mated, and knowing she was complete with Emmett, would have allowed her to bring him to me to be changed? There isn't another explanation. They didn't mate once he was changed, they mated when she saw him. _

I stopped and thought through everything he told me. I considered his words carefully. Was it possible? Was I mated? I had to admit there was logic in what he said, but it still didn't seem possible. How could I be mated and not know it? "But there wasn't an earth shattering revelation when I met her. Shouldn't there have been?"

Carlisle nodded. _I've thought of that. I think there was. It was there, but you were so focused on her blood, on not killing her, I think you missed the rest of it in the shuffle. Consider, though, how drawn you are to her. You've been so since the first night you came to me. She's your singer. You know as well as I, the best thing would have been for you to leave, to get away from the temptation. Yet, you stayed, seeking her and ways to be around her. That isn't a normal reaction for you._

I thought back to our first true meeting in sociology class. Was there something else besides her blood? I was drawn to her, and if I wanted to be completely honest, it wasn't just her blood.

"As a mated pair though, shouldn't we have changed?" I asked.

_Haven't you?_

I considered what he said, I had changed, but I expected a radical shift in personality. There wasn't evidence of that. "I guess I have a little, in some ways, but I don't think I've changed much at all."

Carlisle burst out laughing. "Oh, Edward, I knew you were in denial, but I never thought it ran this deep." I growled. _I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you mad, but how can you say you haven't changed radically?_

"Because I haven't. I admit I've had physical reactions to Bella I haven't with anyone else. Otherwise I don't think I'm that different."

Carlisle shook his head and started flipping through his memories of me, and part of me was in shock. I really hadn't realized how completely I had disassociated myself from my family, but memory after memory came of me alone, not participating, apathetic and removed from everything going on. He showed a scene, from twelve years ago, of me smiling. It was a pathetic smile. _That was the last time I saw you smile without it being completely forced in reaction to wanting to please us. You knew you were upsetting us and tried, but it was always forced. And, as soon as you could leave us to be alone, you would._

_Now, let me show you the Edward of the last three months. _Suddenly, I saw myself in his memory, and I was a completely different person. There was a lightness in my step, a smile always on my face or hovering waiting to come out. I was interacting with my family, even when Bella wasn't there. My shoulders were less tense, my eyes shone and I looked like I was happy. Even in the scenes Carlisle showed where I was worried or concerned for Bella, there was a softer tone than the visions he had shown me before. How had I not seen the change in myself? I ran my hand through my hair in frustration.

_Stop, getting upset. While I admit I'm surprised you managed to not see the signs yourself, nothing is damaged because you didn't. Going forward, use this information to help yourself and Bella._

"Do you think she's mated to me? I mean, it's mutual when it's with vampires, but would it be the same with a human?" The thought of being mated to Bella, and not have her feel the same, was sickening.

Carlisle chuckled again. "I think it's more than safe to assume she is as mated to you, as you are to her."

I smiled. I was mated . . . to Bella. I let the idea settle on me, and I felt lighter and happier just thinking of it. I was mated to Bella. The phrase played over and over in my head. The more I thought of it, the more obvious it was, and I felt like the biggest idiot for not seeing it sooner. Bella was my mate, and I loved her. How could I have not seen it? I loved Bella. Now that I considered the idea, I wanted to kick myself for not realizing sooner. The time we had lost, that we could have been . . . what? What would have happened if I realized this sooner? When did Carlisle figure it out, and why hadn't he told me?

"Why am I hearing this now? Why haven't you told me sooner? Bella left to face a trial alone. I should be there with her! It's worse now knowing I left my mate to face . . . whatever she's facing. Just being away from her is tearing me apart. Has a newly mated pair ever been away from each other for this long? No wonder I feel like ripping through my chest. I need to get to her."

Carlisle placed a hand on my shoulder. _Sit. Calm down. You need to think this through. Yes, I've known for a while you were mated . . . _

"How long?" I interrupted him.

_I suspected the first night, when you came to me, telling me how she was your singer. Your reactions were not normal for you. I considered it was because of the stress of meeting your singer and not taking her, but somehow, I knew it was something more. As I watched you obsess over her the next few days, it only confirmed my thoughts. When we were in Alaska, I no longer suspected, but knew._

I jumped up yelling. "You knew three months ago! Why didn't you tell me? Why did you let this go on? I should have known!" I felt like I had been lied to.

Carlisle remained calm in the face of my outburst. _At first, I kept the knowledge to myself, worrying you would run off. Admit it, Edward, if we'd had this conversation on the way back from Alaska, you would have run. I didn't know what that would do to you, or her. I couldn't risk it._

I tried to be logical and truthful. He was right. I would have run. As badly as I wanted to be mated, and as happy as I would be to know I was mated to Bella, I would have run thinking that I couldn't corrupt her. Knowing she had already been through so much heartache and struggle, I wouldn't have wanted to add to that by placing myself in her life and complicating it. I sat back down hanging my head.

Carlisle continued, _then I saw you're bond with her; it truly is an amazingly strong bond. You both move as one entity. I've never seen anything like it. _He then showed me times he'd witness Bella and I together. I couldn't believe I had never noticed it, but he was right. We always moved together. If one adjusted, the other countered that movement with one of our own. It was like we were in a constant dance together. I had seen nothing like I was witnessing; it was beautiful to see.

_I considered telling you, but kept waiting for you to figure it out on your own. As time passed, I couldn't figure out when I should tell you. It was so obvious. Then the trial started coming closer, and I warred with myself about what was best for you both. I decided to not press the mated issue, as I didn't want Bella to have something else to work through. She was already showing the strain of having to go to the trial. I didn't know what would happen if she found she was mated or if that would add or cause more stress. I also knew if you figured out you were mated, there was no way you would let her leave on her own, and it needed to be a decision she made. I'm sorry, Edward, I truly did what I thought was best for both of you. I know you're struggling, but Bella needed to make this decision without added pressure._

I sighed. I was mad, but I could understand. I would have forced my way to go with Bella, or, at the very least, would have found a way to follow her. That would most likely have ended up being disastrous. It just felt wrong though, I should be with her, should be helping her. Being mated was like being tied to a person with invisible bonds. The first few years after a couple mate is usually spent with them consumed with one another, never leaving or parting. The closeness draws them together, strengthening the bond that could never be broken. No wonder I was struggling being away from her. Gosh, that meant she was struggling not only with the trial and that stress, but also the same stress of being parted I was. What a mess.

"What do I do now? She needs me, and I can't be there for her."

_That's why I finally had to talk to you. You know mates can feel strong feelings from one another? That's why after your homecoming dance I asked you specifically if you felt fear or panic from Bella, knowing if she was hurt or being abused you would feel it. Now the same thing will apply, to a point. You're so consumed with grief and pain, on an unconscious level she has to be feeling that. Help her by helping yourself. I can't imagine being parted from Esme while she went through something like Bella's going through, and we've been mated for decades. It has to be incredibly worse for you, but wallowing isn't helping you or her._

I nodded. He was right. I needed to be strong for her; I needed her to feel my strength, even if she didn't understand she was feeling it. "What else can I do?"

_What would make this easier for you? What's going to help you will help her._

"I want to talk to her more. Whenever she calls, the conversations are short. She's given no indication she wants to talk more.

Carlisle nodded. _That's very Bella. Even if she wanted to talk, I'm sure she thinks she's disturbing you. Have you called her?_

I shook my head. "No, I haven't wanted to call, not knowing what time zone she's in or if she's in a meeting or court."

_Call her, or when she calls you talk to her. Show her you want her conversation. I bet she'll talk if you do. Which brings me to another point, what do you think your mated bond is?_

Every mated couple had something specific to them that strengthened their bond, a way they showed each other affection that calmed or excited as needed. It took no time for me to consider this. "Touch. Just brushing my hand across hers is enough to feel connected to her." Now that I thought back I remember thinking I was getting use to human touch since being around Bella, but when Angela touched me a few weeks ago, I was repulsed by it. Further proof, Bella was different and I should have picked up on it.

Carlisle thought through that and how it would affect Bella with her having PTSD. _It's an interesting thought. The very thing she fears most is what bonds you two together. Through that bond, you may be able to heal her._

Could I? I knew that mates could do things for each other, offer support where no one else could. The idea brought up another thought. "Carlisle, what about sex?!"

He chuckled. _Do you need the birds and the bees talk? You've been to medical school I figured you already knew what went where._

I glared at him. "That's not what I mean. Carlisle, she's human! Is sex even possible?"

While I knew that she wasn't ready for sex right now, and I don't know that I was either, the fact is that mates are animalistic. Sexual intimacy is important for the bond to strengthen and grow. I thought of the constant erections I had when with Bella. Wonderful, I had finally gotten to the point that I thought I could control myself from the blood lust, and now I needed to worry about physical lust. Just the idea of Bella and mating with her had me incredibly hard and wanting. I groaned.

_You again, know the answer to that. Of course it's theoretically possible, but the concern is Bella's mental state not physical right now._

I nodded, of course he was right. "What does this mean? What'll happen when she dies?"

_Dies? Do you still think she'll kill herself? I think you can give her reason to not?_

"It doesn't' matter. She'll die someday, and I'll be alone. It isn't fair, I finally found my mate, and I have to lose her."

_You don't have to lose her; you could change her._

"No! That isn't even an option." I shouted.

_Why? Why would you not consider talking to her about it? _

"Carlisle we are damned creatures of the night. Why would I subject her to that, when she has the option to live a full life and go to heaven when she dies? Sounds pretty selfish to do to someone I love."

_You don't know you're damned._

"I won't take the chance."

_Fine, but someday she's sure to ask. Be prepared; she doesn't seem like the type to let things go. _

I thought through all that we had said and spent more time considering Bella and I together. "Do you think this is why she's taken everything about us being vampires so well? Since she's mated to me, on some level it opens her up to understanding and accepting."

Carlisle nodded. _Yes, I've considered that and agree. I think her ability to take in everything is helped by being mated to you. I think that's also why you're able to touch her when others can't. She doesn't know it, but on some level, her body reacts to you differently. That's also why she's more comfortable with the others as well. She already has bonded and is part of our coven being mated to you. The bonds, of course, aren't as strong as yours is with her, but they're there, nonetheless, and I think all of us can help her. _

I kept thinking of everything we'd been discussing, and my mind couldn't get past the fact that Bella, my mate, was facing such a hardship without me. I couldn't do it any longer. The pain of being away from her seemed to magnify one hundred times since learning she was my mate. I was going slowly insane with need for her. "I need to go. I need to be by her. I can't let her face this alone." I got up intending to leave, when Carlisle put a restraining hand on me.

"Edward you can't." Carlisle said out loud to reinforce his point.

"Yes I can! She needs me! I need her!" I shouted.

Carlisle remained calm through my outburst, not letting go of my arm. "You can't go. Bella asked you to stay here. Do you think you'll help her now if you show up? You know as well as I; it would force her hand into telling you things she isn't ready to tell you. Yes, you'll take some strain away being by her, but you'll add to it but breaking her trust and forcing issues she's not ready for."

I growled and pulled my arm from his grasp. "It's not fair!" I know I was acting immature, but I challenge any newly mated vampire to go through what I was and not act out. I huffed as I paced around. I needed Bella. She needed me. Maybe I could just follow her, but stay out of her sight. That could work. I could see her, breath in her scent, listen to her heartbeat and know she was ok.

I paused in my pacing. No, it wouldn't work. Bella had proven she could feel me and knew when I was around. There was no way I could be by her without her knowing. I remember being shocked she "felt" my presence. I'd denied to myself it was possible, and then when she asked if I felt her presence, I brushed it off and talked about my vampire senses. But that wasn't the truth. I could feel her, too. There were strings that bound us together; and the closer we were, the more I could feel them.

I pulled out my phone and touched it. No, I needed to listen to Bella, even though it was going to be painful for me and her. When she got back though, all bets were off. I was going to explain to her what a mate was; hopefully, she'd understand how much I needed her, and how she needed me.

"Thank you Carlisle." I said. Then I took off for Bella's house, texting her as I went. For the rest of our time apart, I would be in contact with her as often as I could be. Until she returned, I would be at her house waiting for my love to come home.

* * *

**** YAY Edward knows he's mated! About time, I know! To celebrate this, and the fact I'm at 1,000 reviews (WOW I'm bowled over by that) I have a present I hope you like. Do you have something you want to ask Edward? Well here's your chance. I'm going to interview him and post it in the out takes next week. If you have a question you want to ask him put it in your review or a PM to me by Friday and I will try to include it. The interview will be with in character Edward at this point in the story, so if you ask him what happened to Bella, he won't have the answer for you. If you ask his favorite sex position, again, he won't have an answer, but it might be fun to ask anyway! I will also see if any of the other Cullens can answer questions if you have them but NO BELLA! Thank you readers for sticking with me this long and reading my story!!!

Next I was SHOCKED to open my e-mail and see I was nominated for an award. I'm up for the category of "The Immortal Being" for the Total Eclipse of the Heart Awards. If you want to vote for me go to: http://totaleclipseoftheheartaward(dot)weebly(dot)com/ to vote. Thank you for those that do!

Nissa and Ronnie thanks for your support in pre-reading and beta'ing. You gals crack me UP!!!

This week I have GREAT rec. The Mocking Moon by Newmoonaholic. It's a great broken Bella story, and if you're reading mine I assume you like broken Bella so check it out!

Please review as you truly don't know how happy each one make me and if you have questions for Edward throw them in there.


	29. Being Away from Her

**Chapter 29 – Being away from her**

I spent the rest of Saturday in Bella's house, but I no longer was curled in a ball focusing on the pain of her not being here. I went slowly from room to room, stopping often to look at something that was out, or thinking of a memory of Bella touching an item. I let Bella flood my senses, and not just the scent of her. I remembered back to everything I'd witnessed, now seeing it through the filter of her being my mate. The more I reminisced, the more obvious it was. How I had deluded myself for so long, I'll never know, but now that I had embraced it, I reveled in it.

I took Carlisle's advice to heart. I spent time trying to focus on the happiness of being mated, and not on the pain of her not being here. I waited for her to call me since I didn't know her schedule. While I planned on making sure we were in contact more, I also wanted it to be when she was able. I didn't want to interrupt anything on her end.

When she finally called, I think my heart started beating again in adulation and anticipation. I answered, trying to not sound like a giddy fourteen year old school girl. I doubt I succeeded. "Hello," I answered.

"Hey Edward." Her voice was quiet and raspy. I wished again I was with her, but pushed that thought aside, focusing instead on her and what I could do right now.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" I asked.

I heard her sigh. "I'm ok. I mean it sucks, but I'm ok."

"Yeah? I'm glad. I know my family's worried. I'll tell them."

"Can't they hear?"

"Hear? I don't understand?"

"Oh, aren't you at home?" I could hear curiosity in her voice under the pain.

I thought quickly. I didn't want her to know I was in her house. I wasn't going to hide my feelings from her; I just didn't want to explain it over the phone when she already had so much going on. "I'm out and about right now. No one's listening into our conversation. Have you been worried about that?" It occurred to me that she may not be saying much for fear of her privacy.

"No, that doesn't bother me. I just was assuming you were home. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll let you get back to whatever you were doing."

"No!" I didn't want her to hang up. "No, you aren't bothering me. I'm heading home anyway, and I know everyone would love to talk to you." I jumped out her window, hanging on to pull it closed, and ran home. It was true; I knew my whole family missed her and she needed to know it.

I kept the conversation as light as possible as I ran home, talking about my week at school. When I got there, I passed my phone amongst my family. I could hear how tired Bella was, but I also could hear the longing as she talked to everyone. We all sat in the living room, listening to all the conversations. I could hear through the thoughts of my family how they missed Bella, and how their hearts broke for her. I also listened to my family's thoughts of sadness that my mate was far from me. It seemed I was the only one that didn't know I was mated.

When my family had finished passing around the phone, I took it back and continued talking to Bella. We talked late into the night, and I could hear the weariness and pain she tried to hide. I couldn't hang up on her, and it seemed like she felt the same. We touched on nothing of consequence, but I think the light conversation helped her. Finally, her yawning no longer allowed her to form a sentence, so I told her to get some sleep and made her promise to call me tomorrow, so we could talk some more.

When I was done talking, I hung my phone up and continued lying on my bed. It was my first time ever being on it, but it somehow felt nice to talk to Bella in the middle of the night while lying down. I guess being mated did bring out human tendencies in me.

I hadn't been off the phone with Bella for long, when I heard Emmett and Jasper coming up to get me for a hunting trip. I groaned before they made it to my room, calling out, "I went hunting with Carlisle yesterday! I don't need to hunt again."

"Get up brother! I don't care if you went hunting. We need manly brother time together. Now that you're admitting to being mated, we need to make sure you're not going to fuck with our little sister! So get up and get moving!" Emmett bellowed as he plowed into my room.

"Language," Esme called up the stairs.

Emmett smiled. "See, that's why we need to have this conversation elsewhere. Don't need to upset the 'rents."

I rolled my eyes. "Seriously, Emmett, can't you say parents, or better yet Esme and Carlisle? Or the best idea, ignore it all and leave me alone!"

Jasper interrupted before Emmett and I bickered and nothing got accomplished. "Just come with us Edward. We want to talk to you about a few things. I promise to keep Emmett in line." _As much as I can, h_e finished.

I groaned, but got up, stepped out on my balcony and jumped down, taking off running. If they wanted to talk, they could follow me. I ran, thinking the best idea would be to go to bear country. I hoped there was a bear we could get roused enough to make Emmett happy, knowing this late in the year it was highly unlikely.

I ran until I smelled a bear and stopped, waiting for my brothers to catch up. I was right. Emmett was happy to have a bear, and was busy thinking of the best was to wake it up, knowing it would be grumpy and agitated. He had a thing for bears, taking it personally that one ended his human life. He now made it his personal mission to show all bears he was stronger than them.

Jasper ran up behind and sat down. _Way to distract him. _I smiled. I wasn't going to deny it. Jasper then spoke, knowing Emmett was busy trying to wake the bear, but would still hear what we said. "So you finally figured out you were mated. Took you long enough!"

I looked down. "I know. I know. I'm an idiot."

Emmett stopped poking the bear to call over his shoulder. "Damn straight! You're an idiot!"

I ignored him. Jasper did as well, speaking like Emmett hadn't said anything. "Seriously though, how did you miss it? I know you were distracted by her blood, but your connection to her is so obviously more than just blood."

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. "I don't know. I guess I tried not to think about it, and when I did I just assumed it was because she was human. I mean, I've never been around a human like her, spending the time I did trying to get use to her scent." I shrugged my shoulders. "I just thought that was it. Spending time with a human was making me more aware of my human traits."

Emmett snorted while lifting up the bear, turning it in the air to wake it from hibernation. "You_ are _an idiot."

Again, Jasper ignored him. "But you've changed; you know we only change when mated. Really, Edward, you're a man of facts and logic. I don't get how yo u missed it."

I sighed. "I didn't think a vampire could mate with a human, so there was no reason to consider it. It would be like me having feelings for a cat or dog. I wouldn't consider myself mated to one, because we don't mate with them."

Jasper laughed. "You were deluded, but I get what you mean. Before meeting Carlisle, I wouldn't have thought it either. But you had to notice your emotions; I mean your emotions with Bella have never been anything other than that of a mate."

I was getting sick of talking about this. I watched Emmett, who had finally gotten the bear roused and pissed off, fight and dodge it. "I guess I just didn't think about it."

Emmett finished off the bear and turned to me. "Let's cut the cute girlie talk. What we want to know is what you're going to do about everything, now that you get you're mated. Are you going after Bella? She needs you!"

"He shouldn't go after her. She asked him not to, and until she says differently, he needs to stay here. Going after her completely disregards her wishes and ideas, which in turn disregards her. He'll never earn her trust if he does that." Jasper spoke.

Emmett parlayed back. "But they're mates, newly mated at that; they shouldn't be apart from each other. He should to go her and help her. I doubt she'd really be mad if he showed up."

Jasper shot back. "Yes, she may be happy he's there, and then what? She already has to relive and deal with something that's painful. Edward shows up, and she now needs to confront him with everything. She'll over load! You heard how stressed she was on the phone, Edward showing up unexpectedly will only cause her to have a complete breakdown, which she doesn't need right now."

Emmett came over practically shouting. "How do you know that? Maybe his being there is what she needs! You know we don't function through stress well without our mates. Would you let Alice go through what Bella's going through alone? There's no way in hell you wouldn't be there holding her hand through the whole thing."

Jasper stood up getting madder. "Of course I would be there, but you aren't comparing the same thing! If I was Edward, no matter how difficult it would be, I would stay here. I would do all I could to help her here, without causing her more stress!"

"Enough!" I shouted between them. They both looked at me exasperated. "Carlisle and I talked. I want to go to her but it would be better, for now, if I don't. I'm not ruling it out, but she's already stressed. I don't want to make it worse."

Emmett sighed. "Fine! I just hate that Bellaboo is so far away with no one there."

"I know," I said. "It's killing me. Don't you think I can hear the pain in her voice and how much emotion it's lost? How she was forcing herself to talk and pretend things were ok when talking to all of us? It isn't ok, not by a long shot, and it kills me that I'm not there. But right now, I'm doing what I can."

Emmett plopped down. "It's not fair. Bella's facing a rapist and we're here hunting. It's not right."

Jasper sighed."No, it's not."

I looked out through the woods, mumbling. "She isn't facing a rapist."

I could read their shock and confusion. Jasper asked out loud. "What do you mean?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Last week she had a panic attack, and I asked her if the trial was for a rape. She said no."

Emmett was confused. "But, I thought Bella was raped."

"She was, I think, but whatever she's facing now is something different," I replied.

Jasper nodded. "Well we know there was someone named Quil who's appealing a past trial, and she has another coming up with someone named Paul. Maybe that's where the rape comes in?"

I ground my teeth I didn't even want to think about it. All three of us were lost in our thoughts of Bella and what she was struggling through. Jasper finally broke the silence. "Edward, I can tell things have changed now that you accept you're mated. Will you tell Bella?"

I looked at him quirking my brow. "Changed? Changed how?" I know I felt things had changed, but I wanted to hear his direct take on it.

He responded. "The love and mating was there from the beginning. The emotions flowed strongly from you both, though it was tempered on both sides, hers with fear and confusion, and yours with confusion and denial. Now that the confusion and denial are gone, I can be honest. The emotions coming off you are almost enough to overwhelm me."

Emmett laughed. "Shit man, you were having erections before, I bet now you'll be sporting wood 24/7!"

I growled. "Damnit Emmett!"

Jasper laughed. "Well there's that too, but we'll get into lust later. I just want to know if you plan on telling her about mating."

I ran my hands through my hair. "I don't know. I mean, what do I say? 'Hey, Bella, I know you have a tragic past, but get this, we're mated so it'll all be ok now. What's that? What's mated? It basically means you belong to me and me to you. You have no control over this. I'm sorry you got stuck with a monster, but I promise to try and not make things worse than I have to.' Yeah, I'm sure that conversation will go over really well, especially with her coming home from whatever's going on."

Emmett stood up and growled at me. "Listen you self-absorbed ass. I think Bella's more than shown she can deal with everything you've thrown at her. She doesn't think you're a monster, and the only thing you're doing by not telling her is not letting her understand. Don't you think she's freaking out trying to understand the feelings she has? Don't you think she deserves for you to explain to her why she's feeling the things she is? Be a man, suck it up, and tell her!"

Jasper cringed and spoke quickly, trying to cut off my angry retort. "What Emmett is trying so eloquently to say, is Bella should be told something. He's right that she's incredibly confused about her emotions toward you, and being told she has a reason for having those emotions might help her come to terms with them. I think she could handle the information, as long as you tell her calmly and without the self-loathing included."

I sighed. I knew they were right. She deserved to know, but really what did it mean? This situation has never presented itself. It wasn't like with Carlisle and Rose where there mate was dying. No my mate was alive and healthy . . . well living and not imminently dying.

As I sat pondering this, Emmett spoke up again. "Which brings us to why we're here, Eddie. We know you're a virgin. Now we don't want you doing anything with our sister, but when it's time, do you know what to do?" His mind started drifting to the bear corpse and picturing using it to show me maneuvers.

I growled. "If you pick that bear up, I swear Emmett, I will tell Rose every thought you've had of another girl, where all your porn is, and that you threatened Bella."

Emmett balked. "Not touching the bear."

Jasper looked at us in confusion, not having seen the images I was shown in Emmett's head. "Do I want to know?" he asked. I shook my head. "Fine, I'm moving on then. Listen, you've shown incredible restraint with Bella so far, though I think now things will be harder for you. Like I said, your emotions are already ramped up, and she isn't even here. I'm also guessing things will become increasingly difficult for you sexually. You're going to be ready for a lot more than she is, and it's going to be hard, but you're going to have to let her set the pace."

"Don't you think I know that?! I would never push her. That's not even an option. I've gone my whole life without sex; I'm sure I can go a while longer."

Emmett fell over laughing. Jasper tried to contain his laughter, but couldn't. I was getting madder and madder. Finally, Jasper calmed down enough to talk. "Edward, seriously, it's not that simple. You're already having erections. That's when you were in full out denial. Do you think things will be easier now that you know she's your mate, and your animal side is screaming at you to claim her as yours? Trust me, it won't. Alice and I have been together for almost sixty years, and there are times I need her on a visceral level, and feel like I have to claim her as mine. You're going to need to find a way to fight those feelings."

Emmett quieted down and got serious. "You were there not long after I was changed. You know what happened to Rose. Things were difficult for us. It helped I was a newborn and very distracted by my new life and my thirst, so I wasn't totally focused on my physical needs with Rose, but man, the beginning was hard for both of us. She needed to get past everything enough to let me in. She instinctively knew I wouldn't hurt her, since she was my mate, but her brain couldn't turn off the fear. Since she was a vamp things were a bit easier. I mean you know we don't have the same mental hang-ups that humans do, since we don't get PTSD and stuff like that. I have no clue how you can even work this with Bella, honestly."

Jasper smiled. "Well, right now, the most important thing is Bella needs to open up, and we need to get her talking about her past. She can't move forward until she acknowledges her past and deals with it. That needs to be your focus, Edward, building trust to get her to open up."

I nodded; he was right. Nothing would be settled between me and Bella until she could deal with her past and free herself from it enough for us to move forward together. I had no clue what together for us would mean, but for now, I pushed the thought from my head and decided to put all my energy into getting Bella to open up.

Emmett stood up. "Time to get ready for school, and when you're ready for your sex lessons, let me know, I'll be happy to school you!" I groaned as we ran home.

The rest of the week passed quietly. I spent most of my time trying as hard as possible to not give into my desire to curl up into a ball and cry until Bella came home. Her absence consumed me, and if it wasn't for my family's constant presence, trying to cheer my up and reminding me to not give in, for Bella's sake, I would have.

It was Wednesday night; I was at my house, waiting for Bella to call. Since learning Bella was my mate, I did all I could to stay as connected to her a possible as the days dragged on. My love had been gone for two weeks now. Daily it was becoming more of a struggle to stay here, and not give into finding her, wherever she was, and holding her tight. We had gotten into a routine of texting back and forth during the day, and her calling, when she was able, at night. We'd talk for a few minutes before I passed my phone off, and she talked to everyone in the family. We all sat together in the living room for these calls. When the family was done talking to her, I would leave, run to her house and continue talking to her privately, where her scent was all around me. We would talk long into the night. I was always torn apart through our conversations. On one hand, I wanted to talk to her all night, and our conversations made missing her less painful. On the other hand, I knew I was taking up her sleeping time. It was more evident, as the days went on, she needed it.

Bella phoned that evening, and before I even answered, a foreboding came over me, I knew something was not right. All day my insides had been twisting and agitated. "Hello," I said, holding my breath. Jasper was looking at me; he could feel my emotions and wondered what was going on.

"Edward?" Bella's voice broke over the phone. My eyes widened. She sounded terrible, her voice void of emotions, scratchy and quiet.

"I'm here, love. Talk to me; what's wrong?" I was starting to panic, and the thoughts of my family were heading down the same panicky path my mind was already on.

"Nothing," she whispered. "Just a tough day."

"What happened?" I asked.

Her voice trembled. "Edward, I don't think I can do this. I know I can't."

"Can't do what love?"

"This, all of this, I can't do it."

"Are you talking about the trial? Are you testifying? Is that what you can't handle love?"

I started shaking when Bella replied in the eerie sing song voice she had spoken to Carlisle with just weeks ago. "I will be purified. Blood will spill for my sins. I've been a bad girl." She continued speaking, singing about punishments and blood. I looked to my family, horrified, searching for answers. Esme and Rose were holding each other crying, Emmett was pacing and Alice and Carlisle were sitting as shocked as I was.

Jasper came up and sat next to me. "Talk to her; try to break through. Keep using her name. It may take a while, but keep talking to her."

I nodded. I started speaking to Bella, using a firm but quiet voice. I spoke her name and talked about my family and nonsensical things about everyone. Bella was in her own world and kept singing. I was slowly going insane listening to it. When I was convinced I could take no more, I heard a shuddering breath on Bella's end of the line and the singing stopped.,

"Bella, love, are you there? Are you ok?" I didn't know if it was better or worse that she wasn't singing. There was no response. "Angel, talk to me, are you ok?"

I heard her take another shuddering breath. "Edward?"

I released a breath I didn't even know I was holding. "Yes, love, it's me. Are you ok? Where are you?"

Her voice was so quiet I didn't know if I would have heard her without my enhanced hearing. "I don't know."

"Where are you?" I asked again.

"Umm, at my hotel," she said.

"Alone?"

"Yeah, Edward?"

"What, love, talk to me." I was desperate to know what was going on.

"It hurts, everything hurts. It hurts so much, Edward, so much."

I was panicking again fearing she was hurt. "What hurts? Are you bleeding?"

She laughed bitterly. "No, there's never enough blood. Never enough." Her voice trailed off.

My family's thought circulated around me, and I tried to stay focused on Bella, and Jasper, knowing he was my best chance at helping her. _We need to get someone in that room with her, to tell us what's going on._ I heard him thinking and agreed.

"Bella, love, can you do something for me?"

I heard her whimper. "What?"

"Can you call Claire? Don't hang up on me. Can you call her from your room phone? Please."

"Why?"

"I don't think you should be alone right now. Please, can you call her, and see if she can sit with you for a bit?"

"No, she's busy or something I'm sure. It's late anyway. I don't want to bug her. I'll be fine."

"Bella, please, do this for me. It would help me if I knew you weren't alone right now. Please, please, call her." I listened and heard her call Claire and ask her to come over. Claire quickly agreed. She then called the hotel desk and asked them to let Claire have a key to the room. I took a deep breath, knowing my love would be with someone soon.

"Edward?" My love spoke again quietly.

"What?"

"I'm so cold. So tired and so cold." I could hear her shivering and shaking, and wished I was there to hold her and give her what she needed.

"Bella, are you with me?"

"Hmmm . . . " she hummed.

_It sounds like she's going into shock._ Jasper thought.

"Bella! Bella! Stay with me, love. Talk to me." I could hear her teeth chattering. "Love, you're in a hotel. Can you get under the covers? Can you do that for me?" I listened, and there was no sound other than chatter teeth coming from Bella. "Bella, love, I need you to stay with me. Can you please crawl in bed? I need you to get warm, love." I listened and heard a rustling on her end of the phone, so I knew she was getting in bed. "That's it Bella. Crawl under the covers and try to get warm."

I kept talking to her, trying to keep her aware of what was going on. She never really spoke to me, but sometimes she would grunt or sigh in response to what I was saying.

Finally, after what felt like hours, but was only thirty-two minutes, I heard a knock on the door through the phone. Bella gave no sign she heard it. I heard the door open and multiple footsteps.

"Bella, are you ok?" I heard Seth say. I was glad Claire had brought others to help. Hopefully, someone could talk to me, and there would still be someone helping Bella.

"Oh man, this doesn't look good," Emily said.

"Do you think she's ok?" Sam asked.

"Bella, talk to me, are you ok?" I heard Seth say again, and Bella's teeth chattering got worse.

I heard Seth sigh. "She won't let me touch her. Claire, see if you can."

I heard Claire speak in a soft voice. "Hey, Bella, it's just me, Claire, you're ok." She continued speaking in a quiet voice; Bella gave no indication she was listening, but she wasn't getting worse either, like she had with Seth.

Sam spoke up. "Is that her phone? Is she talking to someone?"

"I don't know, maybe she never hung up from when she called me?" Emily said.

I started to worry. I didn't want them hanging the phone up. I shouted hoping someone could hear me. "No! Don't hang the phone up!"

Claire must have heard me. "Hey Bella, can I have your phone for a minute. Can I talk to who you're talking to? Let them know I'm here?"

I heard movement and shifting, then Emily spoke into the phone. "Hello, who is this?"

I sighed. "This is Edward."

Emily sounded surprised. "Oh, Edward! I've been hoping to meet you. Did you get Bella to call Claire?"

"Yeah, she sounds like she needs someone there. Can you tell me, is she ok?" I could hear Claire still speaking to Bella in the background. Seth and Sam were talking quietly to themselves wondering what they could do to help.

"I think she's ok. I mean, she had . . . " Emily blew out a breath. "Has she told you anything?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. For a split second I contemplated lying and saying I knew everything, in hopes I would learn something, but I knew I couldn't do that to Bella. "No, I don't know anything."

I heard Emily mumble under her breath. "Shit." She placed her hand over the phone, but I still heard every word she said. "What do I tell him? He doesn't know why she's here."

There was no verbal response, so I assumed whoever she was talking to shrugged. Emily came back on the phone. "Ok, listen, I'm not going to tell you what happened, but things got bad today. We all figured Bella would be freaking out. We had planned on heading over here tonight to check on her, but wanted to give her a few minutes alone."

"I know she's testifying in a trial. Is that it? Did she have to testify today?" I asked.

There was a pregnant pause before Emily continued. "Yeah, she did. That would have been enough to put her over the top, but then Riley had to threaten to kill her."

"What!" I yelled flying off the couch. My whole family was around me instantly, their thoughts flooding me and making me more agitated than I already was.

"She's fine. I mean he can't hurt her. He was taken out of court, but it shook her up. She had a panic attack and was almost taken to the hospital. When she finally calmed down, Jenks, the DA, planned on putting a stop to her testimony, but she wouldn't hear of it. So she spent the afternoon testifying. This is . . . this is the first time she's ever spoken about what happened, outside of her pre-trial sessions. She's never even told us what happened. I mean, we know what happened basically, but man, to hear her talk, to fill in the blanks. It was brutal." Emily gasped. "Oh sorry. I shouldn't have said so much. Just, that's why Bella's like she is tonight."

I processed what she said and looked at Jasper. _Shit, no wonder she's going into shock. Edward, I don't know what we can do for her from here._

I nodded at him. "Listen, can you tell me where you are? I want to fly out and help; some of my family can help to."

I heard Emily cover the phone again. "He wants to come out here. What should I tell him?"

Suddenly chaos erupted. I could hear Bella screaming and thrashing around. "No! No! He can't come here! No, don't tell him! He can't know!" She kept screaming, and I could hear Claire trying to calm her down as Emily dropped the phone. Finally, Bella started hyperventilating and eventually passed out.

I stood there immobile, clutching the phone, not breathing. Alice, tapped me to get my attention. _Loosen your grip on the phone before you break it. _I nodded and consciously loosened my grip.

I heard someone pick up the phone, and Sam started speaking to me. "Are you still there? I'm Sam, Bella's friend."

"Yeah, I'm here."

"I'm sure you heard all that. I think it would be best if you didn't come here right now."

"I agree. Can you tell me, how is she? Can you take her pulse? I need to know if she should to go to the hospital."

Sam snorted. "What are you a Doctor?"

"Not exactly, though I've had medical training. I'm here with a family member that is a Doctor though."

"Oh, ok. Tell me what to do. Just know if we take Bella to the hospital, things will probably end up worse. She hates the hospital, and if she wakes up there, she'll have another panic attack."

I looked at Jasper and Carlisle. Both were processing everything Sam and Emily had said, combining it with everything that we'd heard on the phone, and were running through diagnoses' and treatments.

I thought quickly, I would be better able to gauge her heart rate and breathing by listening myself, but I couldn't very well tell Sam to hold the phone by Bella so I could listen. Instead I asked him to take her pulse, and he did as I hoped, bringing the phone with him as he took it. Her pulse was slow but steady, as was her breathing. I looked at Carlisle and he nodded to me. She would be ok, and wasn't in imminent danger.

Jasper then piped in. _Find out if she's been taking medication, and if they can find out how much._

Sam responded back with the then unnecessary pulse count, so I asked him if he knew if Bella had taken any medication. He asked the others, but no one knew what medication, or how much she had taken that day.

Jasper and Carlisle were both thinking along the lines of not giving her any medication not knowing what was in her system. I agreed with that and started planning ahead.

"Sam, can I ask a few questions?" I asked.

Sam hesitated before replying, "Yeah, but I won't tell you anything I shouldn't."

I smiled at Bella's protectors, glad they cared so much, even if it made my life my complicated. "Is she testifying tomorrow?"

"She is," he said.

"Can you do me a favor then? Can you keep track of all her medication? I know she doesn't take much, but it would be helpful to know what she's taken and how much. If she's as stressed as she seems, odds are she's either accidently take more than she should, or less than she should."

"I guess, but I don't know what she should be taking."

Jasper quickly relayed the information to me, and I to Sam. "Give her one of her anti-depressants in the morning along with one of her anxiety pills. If she needs another, she can have one more after lunch."

Sam said, "Yeah, I can do that."

I smiled. "Great. Next, what has she been eating?"

Sam laughed bitterly. "She doesn't."

I growled low in my chest. "How much is she eating?"

Sam replied. "Practically nothing. She's living on air and coffee."

I spoke aloud in frustration quietly enough that Sam couldn't hear me. "Basically, she isn't sleeping, isn't eating, is hopped up on caffeine, and stressed beyond belief. Wonderful combination. Oh yeah, and today she received a death threat. "

I spoke again to Sam. "Emily mentioned a death threat. Is Bella being guarded?"

"No," he replied. "There really isn't a reason. Riley can't harm her. He was taken out of court for contempt and won't be there tomorrow when she continues her testimony. He's locked up tight and won't ever get out."

I spoke, "But does he have the ability to hire someone, or get someone to help him harm Bella?"

Sam snorted. "No. Trust me on this; no one would help him. We'll stay here tonight, so she won't be alone."

That was fine, in theory, for tonight, but what about the other nights. How long was she going to continue being there? I asked Sam, "How much more testifying does she have to do?"

"She should be done tomorrow, or the day after. Jenks said he would be done with her tomorrow, then any cross examination from the defense. He didn't think the defense would have many, if any questions, especially after what Riley did today."

I started getting excited. "So she might be able to come back tomorrow night?"

"She could, I guess. I'd have to ask Jenks if she needs to stay for the rest of the trial in case they would need to call her again."

I growled again, thinking quickly. "Can you talk to Jenks and see if she can come back here and get away from everything there? It obviously has her very stressed. If needed, she could fly back or something."

Sam pulled the phone away from his mouth and talked to the others in the room. Consensus was Bella would be better off far from where she was. Sam spoke to me again. "Yeah, we'll see what we can do. Jenks is a good man. He hates having Bella testify but knows there isn't a real choice."

"Alright, can you do a few more things then, for me, for Bella?" I asked. "I'm going to give you my credit card number. As soon as Bella can come back here, I want you to get her on a plane as fast as you can, first class."

There was silence for a moment. "Umm, I don't know about that. I'd feel weird taking your card number. Bella hates people doing things for her too. I don't know that it's a good idea."

I pinched the bridge of my nose again, trying to release the frustration I was feeling from this whole situation. I took a deep breath. "I know Bella hates people doing things for her, but I'm hoping in this case she's so out of it that she won't notice until she's back here. I can deal with her anger then. Right now, getting her out of the stress she's under is most important."

"Yeah you're probably right." He said.

"Lastly, can you keep in contact with me through texts? Let me know how she's doing, what she's eating, if she has any more break downs, anything."

There was another pause. "You really care about her don't you?"

"More than you can understand," I said.

"If you hurt her, I will come out there and kill you." Sam said with no trace of humor in his voice.

"If I hurt her, I'd kill myself, so there wouldn't be anything left for you to kill."

I gave Sam my credit card information, not even caring at the moment if he used it to by a thousand things, though I presumed he wouldn't, as he was Bella's friend. Then I needed to hang up, I had nothing else to keep him on the phone. As I pressed end, I felt like a part of my heart was disconnecting. I should be there with her; I should be holding her but I was here, miles away.

I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of the house with no direction in mind. I heard Carlisle and Jasper take off after me, neither trying to stop me, just making sure I was ok and didn't hurt myself or someone else. I ran for miles trying to get my anger and frustration out. When that didn't help, I stopped and started uprooting aged trees and throwing them. Nothing took the edge off. I wanted to pound something, fight someone. I wanted to stop everything and run to Bella. Not being able to was killing me on the inside.

Carlisle and Jasper let me be; not intruding at all as I screamed at the injustice of everything my Bella was going through. Finally, I stopped and looked at them asking, "What do I do?"

Neither had an answer for me. No one did. My phone vibrated; it was a text from Sam, letting me know Bella had woken up. I texted back asking if I should call. He replied back, no, that Bella was pretty confused and still shaking. He said he would keep me posted.

I sighed and looked at Carlisle and Jasper, I swear my heart was breaking. They both came over and placed a hand on my shoulder, offering thoughts of whatever support they could, all the time knowing it wasn't even close to enough.

The following day I was a wreck at school. I had one last final exam to sit through, and the term was over. I spent the entire day glued to my phone, watching the screen willing Sam to text me more information about Bella. To be fair, he was keeping me incredibly updated, but it wasn't enough.

At just after five that night Sam called me. "Listen, I just put Bella on a plane. She should be back in a few hours. I told her you would pick her up, I assumed that'd be ok, but of course she pitched a fit and told me her car was at that airport. She said she was sure you'd wait for her at her house. I don't know how she knew that, maybe she'll call you, I don't know. Anyway, the point is Jenks talked to the Defense and Judge, and she's allowed to go back, provided if she's needed, she heads right back here."

"Ok, how's she doing?" I asked.

Sam blew out a breath. "Honestly, man, not good, not good at all. That's kinda why I'm calling. I'm sure you're a great guy and all. Bella trusts you, which is huge and beyond belief amazing, but I don't know you. I would feel a lot better if Bella had someone to watcher her tonight and tomorrow, but I don't feel comfortable with it being you. Not to be mean, but I don't know that Bella should be alone with a guy right now. She said you had a lot of family, could, I don't know, could maybe someone, a girl, go help?"

I rolled my eyes, but internally, again was grateful that Bella had friends that loved and cared for her so much. Sam had no clue that Bella had nothing at all to worry about with me, that I couldn't harm her, ever.

"How about this. It sounds like Bella is at the end physically. She hasn't eaten; today you texted me that she threw up what little she did eat. I'm worried about her physically. My dad is a doctor, and Bella's been to my house many times before. When she gets home, I'll bring her here then she can be with my whole family, and we can all watch out for her. Does that sound fair?"

"Yeah, man, that sounds really cool. Thanks. I'm glad she has someone looking out for her out there. Listen, you text me so I know she got home ok, and keep me posted."

I hung up. My family started to get in motion, preparing for Bella's arrival. Carlisle and Jasper, in particular, spoke together on what Bella might need medically. They planned to go to the hospital to pick up some drugs and other things to have at the house, in case they were needed. Esme and Alice were planning a trip to a grocery store to stock up on food, and Emmett and Rose decided to clean the already immaculate house.

I left them all to it. I ran to Bella's house. My angel, my mate, my love was coming home to me, and I would never let her leave without me again.

* * *

Was that too bad?? I hope not. I promise I tried sooooo had to keep it real but not to angsty either.

***** I posted the interview with Edward in the out takes, if you haven't been there before it's on my profile. The interview takes place right after chapter 28, there are NO spoilers, in fact some of the answers would change after the events of chapter 29!!! The people that have the out takes on alert have already been reading the interview and have liked it. I hope you do as well.

Now for the potential bad news. My mom had her knee replaced last week. I was planning on being at her house for the weekend, but she is having complications and I am going to be here through next weekend. With nursing her, home schooling my 8 and 5 year old and taking care of my 2 year old, I don't know that I will be able to finish chapter 30. I have 4,000 words written, but need to rewrite about 1,000 of it and then I still need to finish the chapter and there is a ways to go. I will do all I can to get the chapter done but i can't promise. Also I will reply to all reviews as I always do but the replies may be delayed.

Rec'ing this week, The Letter by changedbyEdward. The story only has it's epilogue left and it's a great story!

Thank you to Nissa for pre-reading, to Ronnie for beta'ing and to all my awesome readers! I love you all and the reviews you give me make me smile each and every time!


	30. Now that She's Home

**Chapter 30 – Now that she's home**

I was standing in Bella's living room. I hadn't moved one muscle in four hours. I stood waiting. All my thoughts were bent on Bella and seeing her soon. I had no clue when she would be arriving. Sam simply told me he arranged for her to come home tonight. I had no idea when her flight left, where she was coming from, or when she was due home, but I was waiting and wouldn't be moved until I saw her.

Two hours and forty-three minutes later I heard the distinct sound of Bella's car. I pulled my phone from my pocket and sent Sam a text, letting him know Bella had arrived home, but made no other move. I stood listening to her heartbeat, reveling in the sound. I heard her get out of her car and come up the front stairs to her house.

Bella unlocked her door and stepped in. Immediately she saw me, stopped and stared. Her bags dropped to the floor. I too stared, unable to move, unable to speak. Without warning, Bella ran and launched herself at me, wrapping her legs around me and gripping my head in her hands.

I held her to me and bathed myself in her. Her scent, her touch, her being overpowered me and I got it; I truly got it. I was mated to this beautiful creature. She was mine and I was hers, nothing could keep us apart again.

As soon as those warm thoughts came, the darker ones followed. The monster, that I'd had tightly caged, broke free. My mind raged, torn between _needing_ to drink Bella's blood and _needing_ to fuck her. Everything in me was primal and animalistic, nothing was loving or sweet.

I started shaking; I was so out of control. The only thing holding me back at the moment was the conflict of which instinct to give into first. With Bella's head nestled in the crook my neck, her neck was right in front of my mouth. I could see the blood pulsing, and smell the nectar that was only Bella. My mouth was swimming in venom, and it was all I could do to not bite down and take a drink. Obviously, I had been away from her for too long and the lingering scent in her house wasn't enough to desensitize me to keep control.

The other side of the war on my control could feel Bella's legs wrapped around me, and her sweet core right against my incredibly rock hard erection. I wanted so badly to claim her, to throw her up against the wall, rip our clothes off and plunge into the sweet depths of her. It would not be making love, but fucking and nothing else.

As I warred with which instinct to give into first, I had an image of fucking Bella, and as I climaxed, ripping her throat and drinking her clean. The dual thought of satiating both my hungers literally brought me to my knees. I was trembling with want and trying to find a reason to not give in.

Bella shuddered and spoke into my shoulder. "I missed you so much. You have no idea."

My angel's sweet voice stopped the monster for half a heartbeat, which was all I needed. I finally felt enough control to battle back the monster in me. I focused on Bella, on her innocence, on her beauty, on how much she needed me, and let her touch sooth me. I wouldn't harm her; I couldn't. I gritted out, "I missed you too."

We held each other for an interminable time, neither letting up, nor giving indication that we had it in us to let go. If I had my way, I would never let my love go. She was home, with me.

I slowly took a shallow breath and was able to maintain control. I hated the monster within, which spoiled my reunion with such vulgar thoughts and desires. What should have been wonderful and beautiful was tainted and sour.

Bella started to shake. I held her tighter, ever careful of how much pressure I was putting on her. As I took my thoughts from myself and my struggles, to Bella, I was shocked at what I felt. While I held her, I could feel more ribs and vertebrae than ever before. I could feel her hip bones jutting out through her jeans as she clung to me. Had she eaten nothing since she left more than two weeks ago? I was scared to look at her closer, but I needed to see how else my love looked. I slowly pulled away and brought my hands, which still had a slight tremor, to her face, and cupped her cheeks. I drew in a shocked breath, ignoring the burn and venom. Bella looked . . . horrific. Her eyes were sunken in with almost black circles under them. Her cheek bones stood out on her face. Her skin was dried out and tinged yellow, from what I could assume was slight jaundice from lack of hydration. I listened to her heart rate and breathing and heard both working harder than they should. I needed to get Bella to my house and Carlisle, and I needed to now.

I rubbed my thumb against her fragile cheeks. "Love, can we go to my house? I know my whole family wants to see you." She looked in my eyes for a second before dropping them and looking down. "Talk to me, what's wrong?"

Bella shrugged. "I kinda just wanted to get away for a bit. Can we go somewhere before visiting anyone?"

I wanted to tell her I didn't care where we went as long as we were together, but I was too concerned about her physical state. "Are you sure? I'm worried about you. Can Carlisle just look at you and make sure you're ok?"

Bella looked at me and played with the collar on my sweatshirt, worrying it, "Please, Edward, I'm not ready to face anyone else. I need some time to think and process. Please." Her eyes beseeched me.

I sighed. I could deny her nothing right now. If she needed time to collect her thoughts, I would give it to her, as long as I could stay with her. I nodded. "Where do you want to go?"

"Can I go to my thinking place?"

"Of course, love. Where is it?"

Bella gave me a tiny smile. "Umm, I'll drive."

I groaned internally; just the thought made me shudder. Even if Bella was at top form physically, I knew I would struggle with her driving me anywhere, I loved driving, and I loved driving fast. I know Bella driving me anywhere would be a study in patience, and today I didn't need that.

"Let me drive, love. You're tired. Just tell me where to go, and I will. I'll even let you have control of the radio." I winked at her hoping to soften my words.

Bella shook her head at me, and then gave a small grin. "That's fine."

I stood up and brought Bella with me. After locking her house and helping her in the car, I drove north as Bella directed me. Eventually, we found ourselves in a secluded area over looking cliffs on the ocean. It was a beautiful spot, and I could see the draw for Bella. We got out of the car and walked to the edge of the cliffs. Bella started to sit and I pulled her onto my lap. It was pretty cold, and I knew I was warmer than the ground at this point, since I had warmed up from the heater on the drive here. Plus, I had worn multiple layers of clothing to shield Bella from my inherent coldness.

We sat there saying nothing. There was a full moon, and I hoped Bella could see some of the waves in the darkness. The crashing sound was soothing. Soon, I lost myself listening to the waves and Bella's heartbeat. For the first time in two weeks, I felt whole, complete and calm. Everything was right in this moment, or I allowed myself to believe it would be.

In the periphery of my senses, I kept track of Bella, but my mind was focused on what had happened when she came back. Why had I reacted so viscerally? Even now, I still was semi-erect, and knew it would take no thought on my part to become fully so. The blood lust had diminished in the last hour, but that only made my sexual cravings that much more prominent.

I knew Jasper and Emmett had laughed when I said I could wait for Bella to be ready for sex. Was this why? Honestly, the thought of waiting a day longer to consummate our relationship sounded impossible, much less the weeks or months it might be. I vowed I wouldn't push her sexually, but I was only now guessing the struggle I would have committing to this.

I let my thoughts drift to my love, and ways I could keep my lust to myself and not pressure her in anyway. I was so focused internally; I missed the slowing of Bella's heart rate and the shallowness of her breathing. I nudged her. "Are you falling asleep love?"

Bella took a shuddering breath. "No, I'm not."

I pulled Bella's hair from her shoulder and rested my chin on her. She was trembling, and I was growing concerned. "Come, let's go."

I lifted Bella off me and stood up. She started swaying and stumbled. I grabbed her to keep her steady. When she looked up at me, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she collapsed. I caught her and lifted her in my arms bridal style. Taking note of where we were, I took off running, knowing I could make it home quicker on foot, through the woods, than I would in my car.

As I ran, I pulled out my phone and dialed Carlisle. I set the phone on Bella so I could talk and still keep her body close to mine, so she was secure and not flopping.

Carlisle answered his phone. "Hello, Edward. Is Bella home? Will you be here soon?"

"Carlisle, I'm on my way home. I have Bella with me, and she just passed out." I continued telling him about Bella's physical state and what I'd observed. I could hear my family in the background, listening in and commenting, amongst themselves, as I spoke.

Carlisle spoke, "How long were you at the cliffs? What's her temperature? Is she getting hypothermia?"

I groaned. I hadn't been thinking and hated myself. I focused on Bella, and her temperature was too low. I relayed the information to Carlisle, who started giving orders to the family. "I'll be there in less than five minutes," I said.

"Bring her to your room. We'll set up in there," Carlisle said.

I shifted Bella to end the call, and then held her tightly to me. My mate, my love, had been with me for a little over two hours and already I'd failed her. I should have been focused on her and not the problems of my dick. I groaned, Bella deserved better, and I vowed to be what she needed.

I made it home, and instead of bounding the two floors to my room through the window, I ran in the back door, and upstairs. Carlisle was there with Rose and Esme. I laid her on the bed, and Carlisle started looking her over. I read his thoughts and his concern for her. All three of them were shocked at what Bella looked like. Rose and Esme hugged each other.

Carlisle spoke. "First thing we need to do is warm her up. Edward, I need you to leave. Esme and Rose will bathe her and start warming her up. They already have a bath drawn. Because of Bella's fear of men, I think it'd be best if we both let them do this privately."

I nodded my agreement, though the idea of leaving Bella, even to just be on the other side of the door, was torture. I knew he was right though. Carlisle grabbed my armed and directed me out of my bedroom. We went downstairs where the rest of my family was gathered.

Emmett spoke up. "Will she be ok, Carlisle?"

He nodded. "She should be fine. She's dehydrated, and had lost a lot of weight. From the look of it, she hasn't slept. It looks like her body just gave out. It happens to people that push themselves past the point . . . "

Carlisle cut off when Esme gasped and Rose called out, "What the fuck!"

I had been avoiding the thoughts of the women to give Bella as much privacy as I could, but immediately I saw what they had seen. I shot off the couch yelling. "What kind of sick sadist did that? What happened to her?"

I started pacing and was growling. Jasper put a hand on my arm to calm me. I wrenched away from him. "Leave me alone!"

He didn't take offence, but spoke in a calm voice. "Talk to me brother. What did you see? What happened to Bella? Is she ok?"

I tugged at my hair. "Yes, no, I don't know. She's . . . marked." I couldn't bring myself to say more.

Emmett came up to me. "What'd you mean marked?"

I swallowed and put my hands on my hips, trying to get the vision out of my head, but it was burned there and would never leave.

"On her stomach . . . it looks like she was cut with a knife . . . multiple times . . ." I took a deep breath. I couldn't even say it.

Carlisle spoke. "What else son?"

I looked at him and whispered, "someone branded the word 'MINE' over it."

Carlisle was horrified, along with the rest of my family. He asked, "is this something recent? Do I need to check for infection?"

I shook my head. "No, this is all old."

Emmett voiced what we were all thinking. "What the fuck happened to Bella?"

We all stood there with our own separate thoughts. I focused on Esme and Rose and the scars they were finding on most of Bella's body. She had been systematically tortured. Across her stomach and back were signs of abuse. When I learned who did it, I would repay them, mark for mark. There were also scars that looked like they were from surgery, likely repairing damage done.

Esme and Rose were very gentle and careful with Bella, taking extra time before warming the water in each interval, until Bella was back to a good constant temperature. Rose realized they didn't have clothes for her, so she raided my drawers and put a t-shirt and flannel pajama pants on her. They were huge, but I was glad she was in my clothes, which was silly as I hadn't even worn the pants yet, saving them for any overnight I might attend with the fraternity.

When Bella was dressed and tucked in bed, I let Carlisle know, and the whole family went to my room to see Bella. She was lying in my bed looking incredibly fragile.

Carlisle started giving her a cursory examination. When he was done he turned to everyone and spoke. "She has a few more problems than I anticipated when getting supplies yesterday. Emmett and Rose, will you go to the hospital and bring back a few items? I want to get her on a broad spectrum antibiotic, since she was outside and is so run down, her immune system is probably seriously compromised. I'd also like to get a feeding tube in her. I'm hoping if we can get something in her stomach, she will sleep longer. Plus, with her being out right now, her stomach will be more receptive to something being added, and the chance of vomiting it back up is less.

"Jasper and Alice, I want you to go to Bella's house. See if there's anything you can get to help keep her soothed, I'm hoping we can convince her to stay for a while, maybe a few books that she loves and some comfortable clothes." He looked at Alice. "Right now she needs comfort not style!"

Alice nodded and rolled her eyes. Carlisle pulled Emmett and Rose aside and told them exactly where to find what he needed and wrote a prescription for the antibiotic. Emmett was looking forward to "covert operations" and stealing things from the hospital. While Carlisle spoke with them, I talked to Alice and Jasper and gave them suggestions of what to bring from Bella's house, and specifically told them to bring her pillow, which she seemed to love and had with her all the time.

When my siblings left, Carlisle looked at me and Esme. "I anticipated that she would most likely need an IV, so I have everything here to set up what's needed to rehydrate her. Why don't you both go out for a few minutes while I place the IV. Once that's done you can come back." I could tell he was more worried for me than Esme, knowing the prick and blood would tempt me. I wanted to fight him, but after my reaction a few hours ago, I didn't feel I was in a place to make a safe decision, so I nodded and left.

Esme and I ran just until we were at a safe distance from Bella's blood. Esme looked at me and placed a hand on my arm. _I know you saw what we did. Are you ok?_

I looked off in the distance, thinking about Esme's question. "No, I'm not ok, but there's nothing I can do right now. It's aggravating. I want to help her, I want to be there for her, and now that I see how bad it really was, I only want to be there more."

_You can't fix it right now. Remember how long it took me before I opened up to Carlisle about my ex-husband, and I was a vampire at that point. Carlisle brought me much comfort though by just being there and telling me that he loved me. I know it's hard to not know Bella's past, but you can be there for her in her present. _

I nodded. "I think we can go back now."

I ran home, and vaulted into my bedroom and saw my love. For the next thirty-six hours I didn't leave her side. I kept constant attention to her needs and provided for them all. I wouldn't let anyone else do anything, no matter how often they offered. I held her hand, and only let go when I changed her IV bag, gave her more food in her feeding tube, or changed the bag from her catheter. I would sometimes move her body so it was at a different angle, knowing she liked to sleep in different positions. Carlisle had kept her sedated, but had stopped giving her the sedative so we were all waiting for her to wake.

Jasper, Carlisle and I talked and decided to remove everything as soon as we saw Bella was about to wake up. Since Sam had indicated she was so averse to being in a hospital, we didn't want her to wake with anything hooked up to her.

Forty-two and a half hours after Bella passed out, her heart started slowly speeding up, indicating she was waking. Carlisle came up stairs and removed her catheter, while I removed her feeding tube. He looked at me, and I took a deep breath holding it when her removed her IV and bandaged her up. He then left. A few minutes later, Bella's eyes fluttered open. She lay unmoving, while I waited patiently for her to fully waken. Finally, her brows furrowed and she looked around; when her eyes met mine she stopped moving.

"Hey," I said. "Glad to see you're awake, sleeping beauty." It was true. While I had enjoyed watching her sleep and seeing her slowly getting healthier - the yellow leaving her skin and the hydration bringing a softness back to the brittleness that was there when she came home - having her awake was better. I could see her beautiful eyes.

"What happened?" her unused voice rasped out.

"What do you remember?"

I could see the wheels turning in her head, thinking through what she remembered. "I came home . . . you were there . . . we left?" I nodded waiting for her to continue. "We went to my thinking place . . . but I don't remember coming here."

I held her hand slightly tighter. "You passed out when you stood up. I carried you back here, and we all took care of you." I heard Emmett snort downstairs commenting on how _I_ took care of Bella and let no one else near her. "You were getting hypothermia, so Esme and Rose gave you a bath to warm you up. Then Carlisle kept you sedated so you could mend. He placed an IV . . ." I held her hand up with the bandage so she could see. ". . . and a feeding tube and catheter to allow you to sleep unhindered. I hope you aren't mad, but we all just wanted you to get to a better place, health wise." Bella simply looked at me and said nothing. I wished I could read her mind again. "Are you mad?" I asked.

"No, not mad, just overwhelmed. I'm sorry I caused so much trouble for you all. Thank you," she whispered.

I smiled at her, and her heart sped. "You caused no trouble. You gave me the perfect reason to stay at your side, holding your hand. I should be thanking you."

Carlisle came in then and stood by the bed. "Hello Bella. Tell me, how are you feeling?"

"Alright, thank you for all you did. You didn't have to."

Carlisle waved her off. "It's not a big deal. I consider you like a daughter to me. Do you mind if I take a quick look to see how you're doing? You gave us all quite a scare."

Bella's eyes widened at being called a daughter to Carlisle, if she only knew how true the statement was. She looked at Carlisle and nodded her consent.

I unwillingly left my place at Bella's bedside, but only going a few feet away, I wasn't leaving her.

Carlisle softly examined her, making no sudden movements, and explained to her the entire time what he was doing and what he was looking for. Bella's heart rate, which had sped at the thought of an examination, slowly started to level out with Carlisle's bedside manner.

"You look fine," he said. "Can you tell me why you were so run down?"

Pain flashed in Bella eyes and before she closed them tightly, her breathing sped. After a moment she opened her eyes. "It was my fault. When I get stressed, I forget to do a lot of things. My body kinda runs on reserves, and I just forget to eat or sleep." She shrugged, obviously not thinking it was a big deal.

Carlisle's thoughts were on Bella's comments, incredibly worried for her, but trying to not show it. "Bella, I need you to take better care of yourself. I'll be honest; I'm worried for you. You've lost so much weight, and when you got here you were so dehydrated I had a hard time finding a vein big enough to place the IV. Your heart was beating at an incredibly slow and unsteady rate. You could end up with bone and muscle issues, increase your chance of a heart attack, and make yourself incredibly susceptible to infection, which your body wouldn't be able to fight off. "

Bella nodded. "I know. I don't mean to cause trouble. I'm sorry."

Carlisle sighed. "I'm not mad at you, Bella. I'm worried. Why don't we work on getting your healthy again, and then we have nothing to worry about. Ok?"

Bella nodded again, and Carlisle left. I walked back to Bella and grabbed her hand. The entire time she had been talking with Carlisle she kept glancing at me, almost as if she was making sure I hadn't left. I brushed her cheek with my hand; I couldn't keep myself from touching her. "Let's go downstairs and get you something to eat. Are you hungry for anything?"

Bella shook her head and slowly got out of bed. I kept my hand out for her to grab. I was pleased to see she was pretty steady and walked well. I know I had no reason to fear her being dizzy after the last few days of sleep, food and liquid in her, but I still was.

We walked downstairs, and on the second floor ran into Emmett and Rose leaving their room. Emmett smiled and boomed out "Bellaboo!!! I missed you girl! I'm glad you're awake, so pansy boy here can calm down and leave his room!" Emmett swooped in to hug, Bella and she instinctively flinched and moved behind me. Emmett was stricken; he didn't want to scare her and was livid she was so apprehensive around him, plotting to harm whoever placed such fear in her. I glanced back and saw Bella look at Emmett and square her shoulders. She walked up to him and gave him a hug. He bent down and hugged her back without throwing her in the air or squeezing her too tightly. _Edward, I promise you this. I will fight for the right to kill the fuckers that did this to her! You better not leave her to face something alone like this again, or I swear I will tear your arms off!_

I nodded.

Bella stepped back from Emmett and hugged Rose, who whispered to her, "Glad to have you back. I was worried, and so was the big oaf here, not to mention Edward. Don't scare us like that again."

Bella gave a small smile. "I'm sorry, I won't do it again." Rose went to link her arm with Bella, but she pulled away and searched with her hand for mine. Rose snorted quietly, _yeah, Edward, you aren't mated at all. Idiot_, and rolled her eyes.

I winked at her then turned to Bella. "Come, let's go, Esme and Alice are chomping at the bit to see you." We walked to the first floor. Everyone was in the kitchen waiting for us.

Alice bounded up and grabbed Bella hugging her tightly. "I'm so glad you're awake! I tried so hard to give you a pedicure while you were sleeping, so you could wake up with fresh toes and feet, but Edward wouldn't let me and told me to leave you alone. He doesn't get that a good foot massage and polish makes any woman feel special. No worries, I will grab you later and we can gossip! A pedicure and gossip are meant to go together."

Bella smiled and let out a small chuckle. "Alice, I'm glad you haven't changed a bit. I promise I will let you have me for a bit to do my nails, but let me get caught up and figure out where I am first. Ok?"

Jasper stepped in and pulled Alice away. "Yes dear, let the human catch up. You've been waiting for your favorite Barbie doll for more than two weeks, but I think Bella could use a few more moments." Jasper then came up and pulled Bella into a hug. He didn't normally hug Bella, fearing for his control, but he knew it was important to her, though she would never say anything, and he wanted to give her as much support as he could. He stepped back. "You look much better."

Bella smiled, but didn't say anything. She looked like she was getting overwhelmed with all the attention. Jasper picked up on the emotion and directed Alice, Emmett, Rose and himself out of the kitchen. Bella breathed a small sigh, I laid my hands on her shoulder and she leaned into me.

Esme came up and placed her hand on Bella's cheek. "Oh my sweet, I'm so happy to see you awake. I've been baking up a storm and have lots to eat. What can I make you?" I could read through Esme's thoughts her tenderness and love for Bella.

Bella placed a hand over Esme's that was still on her cheek. "I missed you Esme. I'm sure anything you make will be fine."

I directed Bella to a stool at the counter. Esme and Carlisle started talking about different foods and tried to figure out what Bella would like to eat that had healthy fat and protein. I learned Bella did _not_ like avocado, and she though almonds were the best nut out there.

When Bella was done eating a small plate of casserole that looked absolutely disgusting to me, I brought her back upstairs to my sitting room. We sat on the couch, with her curled into my side. I then said the words that I came to regret. "Bella, do you want to call Sam or one of your other friends to let them know you're ok. I've been keeping them posted, but I'm sure they'd love to hear from you."

Bella took my phone and called Emily speaking for a short time, but it was as if a switch was flipped. While she had been incredibly reserved and quiet, she was still the Bella I had come to know and love. After she got off the phone, she was a shadow of herself. I could see her shutting down and drawing into herself.

I pulled her closer into me, and she held onto me, like I was a life raft and she was on a stormy sea. I took a deep breath of her scent, allowing it to wash through me and burn. I willed her to be ok. After a while, she looked up at me, her eyes searching and her brow furrowed. I brushed her cheek. "Talk to me, love. What's wrong?"

Bella looked at me and took a deep breath. "Did you see?" Her eyes held such pain I knew what she meant; she wanted to know if I had seen her scars, if her secret was open.

I picked up one of her hands gently and brushed my mouth across her wrist where she no longer had a cuff on. You could see plainly where rope or wire had cut into her skin from being tied up. I couldn't let myself dwell on the circumstance that must have caused her to be, or the anger would consume me, and I knew I would scare Bella. "Yes, I saw, but it doesn't matter to me. I knew you were harmed, the evidence was shocking in its scope, but it doesn't change how I feel about you." I looked deep in her eyes trying to implore her to understand. I wanted to tell her I loved her, and nothing could change that, but I didn't think she was ready for such a declaration. Bella looked down and trembled slightly. Suddenly, it was like the life went out of her and she collapsed against me. I tried to think of something I could say that would make it all ok, but there was nothing. She needed to find a way to deal with her secret being more open than she wished.

The next few days passed in near silence. Bella had completely shut down in her head. I didn't let her deteriorate though. I made sure she ate six small meals a day, even though I had to hand feed her a few of them. I kept plenty of water in her and made sure she was not physically regressing. Bella went along with anything I said or asked, saying little and asking nothing. What kept me going was her dependence on my touch. She never let go of me. She had to be touching me in some way. I now understood the need, and needed it as badly as she did. The difference was, now that I suspected how much touch could help her, and how close it would bring us, I craved more than the small touching we did. I wanted to touch all of her. I wanted her to touch all of me. There were times I would shake from the need to touch her more, knowing I couldn't.

My family came and went from my sitting room, where Bella had decided to camp out. We only left at night when she would try to sleep, with me at her side holding her hand watching over her. Then her screams would rent through the house all hours of the night. I did all I could to calm her and let her know she was safe. She would cling to me, and she tried to catch her breath. Eventually she would fall back in to slumber, only to wake minutes or hours later screaming again.

After four days of this, Jasper came to my room and looked at Bella sitting on my lap staring outside. She hadn't even noticed that he'd come in. _Edward, this can't continue. She needs to crack, or she's gonna break._

I nodded. I knew he was right I just didn't know what I could do. I looked at him asking my question with my eyes.

_My guess is one of two things will happen. Either she will bury whatever happened in the last few weeks, where ever she has buried everything else, or hopefully, she will crack and something will set her off. If we knew more we could try to do something to trigger her to go off in a controlled way, but since we know nothing, we're shooting blind and that could backfire horribly. I'll tell you this. If she doesn't come out of this soon, I'm gonna be tempted to look into her past and see if forcing her to confront things will crack her open._

I glared at him. I promised Bella we wouldn't intrude; I didn't want to go back on that promise. Part of what had her so upset now, was that we learned more than she was ready to share. But I did want her to heal, and she wasn't healing. She was repressing more and more. Jasper was right; she could only suppress so much before it all blew up on her. I was scared when that day happened, she would drown in the avalanche and wouldn't make it out of her mind.

_I know Edward, I don't want to push her either, or do something she doesn't want, but right now she's slowly killing herself. I would rather she be living and hate me, than dying. _

I didn't like it, but nodded. I held Bella tighter, pressing a light kiss on her head as Jasper left. Would I do it? Should I do it? More importantly would Bella forgive me if I did look into her past? Could I forgive myself?

The days continued to drift. I left Bella only one time, and that was at her insistence that I feed. I fought to not leave her, but couldn't deny her anything. I knew she worried over me, and I couldn't give her even that little extra burden of my increasing hunger to think of.

Bella had been back a week. We were sitting in my room, as always, with classical music playing in the background. Her phone rang, and she looked at the ID and tensed. "Hello" she answered.

"Bella," Seth responded.

She took a deep breath. "Tell me."

"It's done. He was found guilty of all charges. It's over."

Bella started trembling. "It's over?"

"Yeah, it's over."

Bella took a moment to collect herself. "Can you . . . can you tell them . . . my parents? Can you tell my parents?"

"I'm heading there now, with Emily, Sam and Claire. We'll let them know."

Bella whispered, "Tell them I'm sorry." She hung up without waiting for a response.

She turned on my lap and looked in my eyes. I had no clue what to say. Was there anything I could say that could make anything better for her? She sat there, and I could see many thoughts going behind her eyes, but I didn't know what it all meant. She took a deep breath and started to speak, and my phone went off. I groaned, now was not the time for this, but Bella looked at me expectantly waiting for me to answer.

I looked and it was Alice. I answered the phone and before I could growl out a hello she spoke. "Bella's decided to tell her story. Edward . . . it's worse than any of us have imagined. I'll be there in ten minutes. Keep her calm. She's gonna need me, and you are going to need to keep as calm as you can." I closed my phone and looked at my love, suddenly I didn't know if I was ready for this.

* * *

AN: Yes we have hit the part of the story where we will learn what happened to Bella. I want to give you all a few heads up. Bella's story will NOT be for the faint of heart. Having said that, I will try to keep it from being overly graphic. My current plan is to break her story into two chapters. Chapter 31 will be Bella telling her story; it will be a dispassionate rendering with few details. You will learn much about the mental and emotional abuse she went through. Then in chapter 32 I plan on you learning more about her physical abuse, as the Cullen's dig into her past.

My plan goes something like this (though it is possible I will have it all in one chapter, but I doubt it):

Chapter 31 Bella would say:

"Then he grabbed me. I felt pain in my wrist and heard the crack as it broke. The pain . . . was horrid, but I knew better than to cry."

Chapter 32 the Cullens would find:

"From the report, Bella's wrist was broken in three places and she had to have pins placed. It looks like he grabbed her so hard he even ripped a tendon."

Now this did NOT happen to Bella, but this is an example of what you will read. If you don't think you have the stomach, I TOTALLY understand, I will gladly send anyone that PM's me a synopsis of the chapters after I post them, so you can learn what happened with as few details as possible.

Also please understand this is NOT the climax of the story. I have said from the beginning, this story would see a healed Bella and Edward. Her telling her story is a major step towards healing, but does NOT make her healed. I hope you are all willing to stay with me through the rest.

* * *

I'm throwing my hat in and publishing for the relief for Tennessee benefit. It's just like the Haiti compilation, you show you gave money to a charity and you get the compilation fics. I'm going to put my first chapter for my new Domella and subward fic. AND I'm going to post a BPOV to a scene/chapter of DBtD. If you have a particular one you'd like to see let me know. I've had a few suggestions already. If you want information, or would like to donate go here: http://community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/ficsfornash/474(dot)html

Thank you Nissa and Ronnie for looking over my chapter. I appreciate your thoughts and input!!!

This week's rec: Love in my Inbox by cosmoandmarvar - this is a cute, sweet, funny fic! no angst so far and not looking like it!

Thank you for all that review. I will reply as ALWAYS to each review, but this week there won't be a tease because I don't know what to tease that would make fit. Sorry, please don't hate me and please still review!!!


	31. Bella's Story

**Warning! This chapter will discuss Rape, torture and other nasty things. If you want a summary PM me and I will send it to you.**

**Chapter 31 – Bella's Story**

I put my phone down and looked at Bella. "That was Alice. She said she wants to talk to you, that you've decided to tell your story."

Bella took a deep breath. "How does she know that? Has she been looking into my future?"

"No, I don't think that's it. We can ask her when she gets here. Are you sure you're ready? You don't have to do this if you don't want to."

Bella bit her lip and looked down. "Yeah, I do have to do this. I owe it to you, to myself. It's time." She looked up at me and her eyes were beautiful and broken.

"You owe me nothing," I whispered.

Bella laid her head on my shoulder and I placed my hand on her head and kissed it lightly. We sat together until I read Alice's thoughts intruding. _We're almost there. I want to talk to Bella alone. I've talked to Jasper, and he's going to get everything set up downstairs. Wait until I get there before leaving Bella._

Like I was going to leave Bella alone for a second. "Alice is almost here. She wants to talk to you for a few moments. Is that ok?"

"That's ok. You'll still be here, in the house?"

Alice came in my sitting room, but I ignored her. "Yes, my love, I'll be right downstairs waiting for you."

Bella nodded and moved off my lap. I hated her warmth being gone. I gave her one last look and a lingering kiss on her forehead, and then went downstairs. All my family was all in the family room, looking around at each other. Jasper spoke, "Alice wants Edward on the couch, with me sitting on the floor next to him, hopefully keeping him calm. Alice is going to sit next to him. Carlisle and Esme should sit together and Emmett and Rose." Esme nodded and went to get a glass of water to place on the table next to me in case Bella needed it.

I sat and ignored my family, focusing two stories up on what was happening in my bedroom. Alice was sitting with Bella on my couch, holding her hand, explaining that she hadn't been looking in Bella's future, but that Bella's telling of her story caused a chain reaction which affected the whole family. Bella had been so focused on telling me, she forgot the rest of the family was home and would hear. Emmett would have come barreling in and upset her. Alice was telling her everything would be fine and to tell the family as a whole.

I clenched my fists. I didn't want Alice pushing Bella. If she wanted to tell just me, then we would leave if need be. It was too much pressure to expect her to tell a room full of people at once.

Jasper came and laid a hand on me. "Calm down. Alice told me she looked ahead, and Bella will be ok. She was searching out futures and scenarios from the minute she got off the phone with you. She's going to do all she can to make Bella as comfortable as possible. Trust her."

I nodded, though it was incredibly difficult. I wanted to save Bella from any and all hardships, but I knew her path to healing would have many. If I wanted her healed she needed to go through them, but I would be by her side for each and every one.

At last, Bella came down the stairs. Alice was holding her hand and led her over to me, where she sat in my lap. I held one hand out for her to hold and placed the other one on her waist, holding her to me.

Alice took a deep breath and looked at me. "Edward, I need you to stay out of my head as much as you can. This is Bella's story to tell, I'm going to try to focus on her as well, and not the future. If I slip I don't want you to see." She then glanced around the room. "This will be easier if Bella can focus on telling one person. Since I saw much of her story already, she's going to tell me. If you have a question though, you can ask. Is that ok, Bella?"

Bella took a deep breath and nodded. Alice reached and grabbed one of her hands, while Bella held mine in her other. She was facing away from me, and I was glad. She wouldn't see any reactions on my face and I didn't have to try to hide them. Now that Bella's story was upon me I wanted to scream for her to stop. I didn't know if I was ready for this, but knew I had to be, for her. I glanced around the room at my family; all were looking as scared as I felt. Esme was already crying.

"Two year ago, it was my birthday. I was never big on celebrating my birthday. I've always hated being the center of attention and having people watching me." I smiled as I could picture that about her and squeezed her hand lightly. "There was a party that weekend at a frat house. I never really went to frat parties; it just wasn't my thing, much like here, except for the annoying pixie that makes me go." She winked at Alice, who gave a forced smile.

Bella shuddered. "I had been hesitant to go. This frat had a bad reputation, but I went anyway. My sorority sisters would be there. What could happen, right? I should have listened to myself." She spoke the end almost in a whisper.

I watched through various family members' eyes Bella's become more unfocused as she relived and saw her past. I wondered how much of her mind was even with us right now.

One of the girls there, Bree, met me at the door and showed me around. I knew her from campus. We weren't friends, but I had no reason to think she would harm me. I've never been a big drinker, but I was at a frat party, so I had a few beers. They tasted awful, but I thought all beer tasted nasty, so didn't notice a difference. There was though, Bree had been spiking my beer with roofies and ecstasy."

Emmett growled. My whole body tightened up, and Jasper sent calming waves, though they did little for me. Carlisle was in full medical mode, wondering how much and which drug she was given, how it interacted with the alcohol, and what side effects, if any, Bella suffered.

"After a bit, I, of course, had to pee. I mentioned it to Bree. She directed me where I should go, saying the bathroom on that floor was probably already smelly from urine, but there was another one she knew of. I had no reason to question her. I should have. I should have done so much differently." I gently pulled her closer to me and kissed the back of her head.

"Bree didn't bring me to a bathroom; she brought me to a fuck room."

Bella stopped talking, and Esme spoke. "What is a . . . fuck room?" That was the first time I had ever heard Esme utter that word.

I was grating my teeth, unable to answer. Emmett was trying to control himself, with Rose trying to help, and didn't want to talk. Jasper answered. "It is different depending on what fraternity you're in. None of them are sanctioned on the national level, but something that rogue fraternities will have sometimes. We've never pledged one that did. Anyway, the idea is it's a room where once you enter you can't leave until you've had sex. Sounds like a no biggie, but often they are used to rape unsuspecting girls. Do you remember in '84 when Emmett and Edward got involved in going after that fraternity for doing lots of bad things? Well they had a room like this, along with other issues." Esme buried her head in Carlisle's shoulder, completely beside herself, I didn't know if she would make it through Bella's entire story.

I sat rigid and could feel the tension flowing from Bella. Jasper noticed while he was talking and tried to send her calming waves, but they did little. He thought of touching her to increase the emotion, but I shook my head. I had no clue what she would do if she was touched by someone right now.

Alice squeezed Bella's hand after there was a prolonged silence. "Ok, can you continue now?"

Bella sent her a look that was heart breaking but she nodded. "I'd never heard of such a room. If I had, I would never have gone to a party where there was one. When I walked in, I saw a bunch of guys and didn't understand. One of them, Paul, said 'Bella, we've been waiting for you.'" I shuddered. Emmett started banging his head against his hand, remembering back to when Bella had come to our house the first time, and he had said those exact words when she walked in the room where he was with my brother and father. He hated himself right now.

She continued, "the door closed behind me. I heard the lock click. Then I was taken to a bed in the middle of the room, stripped and raped." Bella's voice was almost non-existent at that point. The room was silent, as no one knew what to say. Finally, Bella looked up at Alice. "I don't remember all of it. We found out later that I had been slipped a lot of drugs. Edward said you know about my scars." She rubbed her stomach and then grabbed Alice's hand back. "They kept a tally system for each time I was violated. I have thirteen cuts on my stomach."

I flung my head back. I couldn't even think right now. Thirteen people had violated my angel. Thirteen! They had marked her beautiful body with tally marks. How sadistic could they be? She carried the marks from the night, and would her whole life. Even if she wanted to forget, she couldn't.

The rest of my family wasn't faring better than I was. Carlisle was holding Esme. Both wanted to hold Bella, but knew it wasn't possible. Emmett, was livid and Rose was punching her leg; both were plotting murder. Jasper was trying to keep calm, knowing his emotions would only intensify everyone else's, but he wasn't able to control his anger.

The silence was finally broken when Carlisle spoke up. "Bella?" She turned and looked at him. "What happened? I mean, did you go to the hospital? Were these monsters prosecuted?"

Bella nodded. "Yeah, umm, my friend, Seth, had been looking for me. He called my cell phone a few times, but I never answered. He was at the party and eventually found out about the room. He, and some of his friends, stormed in and rescued me. I was taken to the hospital and was there for two days. The police came and arrested all the guys, and Bree. All of them have been tried and found guilty, except Paul. His trial is coming next month or the month after. It turns out, I wasn't the only girl this had happened to." Bella looked down. I rubbed her back trying to comfort her.

Esme could no longer sit with Carlisle and came over and hugged Bella. "You know these monsters were wrong, and this wasn't your fault right? Please, tell me you don't blame yourself for any of this." Bella's silence was all the conformation Esme needed that Bella did blame herself. Esme pulled back and held her cheeks. "Oh, my beautiful girl. No, no, this wasn't your fault. Don't let them do more damage than they've already done by making you think that."

Bella took a shuddering breath. "I'm not done. You'll see soon, it was my fault. There's more to tell."

Emmett threw himself out of his chair practically knocking Rose to the floor. "What do you mean there's more!" He shouted.

Bella screeched and cowered back against me shaking. I growled at him, and held her tightly. He took a step towards her, intending to reach out to her, but Jasper stopped him. "Leave her alone for a minute."

Emmett stood there with his head hung. "Bella, Baby Bear, I'm not mad at you. I would never be mad at you. I'm mad that you went through this." Bella lifted her head slightly and peeked out at Emmett. He walked up slowly. "You know me. I get loud all the time. Have I ever gotten mad at you? No, I haven't, and I won't. You're my baby sister in all but blood. I've had more fun since you've been around than I've had in a long time. You're a good egg and I only hate that you went through this. Please don't be scared of me. Bella, I'd give my right arm before I'd hurt you; you have to know that." Emmett was squatting down in front of Bella at this point.

She slowly reached out and touched his cheek. "Don't be mad Big Bear. It's over; they can't hurt me now."

Jasper glanced at me. _Edward, I don't even know what to say right now. I mean that's a good thing to hear her say, but the emotion I'm getting isn't healed. I'm guessin' she means they can't hurt her now because there's nothing left to hurt. The whole time she told her story the only emotion comin' off her was guilt. She needs a lot of help, man, and a lot of assurance from you when this is all done._ I nodded.

Rose came and stood behind Emmett forcing a smile. "Esme's right. This wasn't your fault."

Bella looked at Alice. "Do I have to tell them the rest?"

Alice brushed her hair back from her cheek. "It's up to you. You don't have to say anything you don't want to. But Bella, I think it would be easier for you if you just got it out now. You've started; why not finish it?"

Bella whispered, "They'll hate me."

I removed my hand from her grasp and hugged her as tightly to me as I could, while my family gave assurances that they would not hate her. Jasper finally broke in, speaking with authority, "Bella, I can tell you what each person in this room is feeling, and I promise you, sweetheart, not a one of them has even the vaguest notion of disgust or blame in them."

Bella nodded, seeming to accept Jasper's words. I removed one hand and held it out so she could grasp it again. She would sometimes hold it tighter or fiddle with a finger as she spoke. I think it was helping her, and I was going to give her everything I could. She looked at Alice. "I don't know where to start the rest of it."

"Tell us how you met Riley." Bella's whole body started shaking, and she whimpered. Alice was horror stricken. "I'm sorry, Bella."

Bella pulled herself together. "It isn't your fault. I just, I never say his name; no one around me does. I just, I don't deal well. It's my fault; I should have told you."

"I won't say it again," Alice said.

I don't think Bella heard her. Her eyes were becoming unfocused again. "There was a group of us, from church, that pretty much grew up together. We did everything together, even though we weren't all the exact same age. As we got older, it didn't change. We would go to school dances together as a huge group, go out on Friday nights together, and we even ended up at the same college to start with.

"_He_ came when I was a freshman in high school. There was always something different about him, but I could never place what it was. I never felt comfortable with him. My friends told me I was silly and being judgmental, but I couldn't let go of it. He didn't hang around with us a lot, but always seemed to be watching us, watching me.

"When I went to college, he was around more, in many of my classes, and he often seemed to show up where I was. I shrugged it off since it was a small school, but I still felt weird around him. It was around that time he started making comments to me about what a perfect Christian woman should be like, and complimenting me when I fit his picture, or subtly encouraging me to change when I didn't. Nothing was obviously untoward about it, so I let it go assuming it was just more of how he was. His parents were incredibly aloof and didn't talk to many people in the church, so I guess, I assumed he just didn't know the right things to say, as he hadn't been taught or something."

The picture Bella was painting had me closing my eyes, willing her to not say what I feared was coming. This sounded like a stalker, and I could only imagine what he may have done to her.

Bella blew out a deep breath. "He found out I had planned on going to the frat party that night. He had tried to get me to not go, but I had no reason to listen to him. The day after I was admitted to the hospital, I woke to find him standing in my room with his fist clenched and a look of pure loathing in his eyes. I was scared for a moment, then just assumed he was mad at the people that had hurt me. He left without saying a word.

"I got out of the hospital and went home with my parents. My dad, Charlie, was a cop and had been on duty when the call came in about me. He was torn up that he hadn't been able to protect me. Renee, my mom, was a blubbering mess, but it felt good to be with them. The next night I went to bed. The doctors had given me some sedatives to take at night for the first few days, so I was sleeping pretty deeply when I was shaken awake. _He_ was standing over my bed. I was tired and confused. He told me to get up. I didn't move fast enough and he grabbed me, dragging me downstairs."

Bella paused for a long time before she continued on. For the first time since meeting my love I was glad I couldn't see in her head, I don't think I could bear what she was remembering right now.

Bella's voice cracked as she continued. "Charlie and Renee were there. Tied up. He put me in a chair in front of them and tied me to it as well. Charlie looked at me and told me it would be ok, but I could see in his eyes he knew he was lying.

He then started hitting and kicking Charlie and Renee, speaking the whole time about how they had failed as parents, how I was to unruly and strong-willed. That he had told me to not go to the party, and as parents they should have taught me to listen to the man that was meant to be my future husband."

Rose interrupted, "Your future husband?"

Bella glanced at her and turned back to Alice. "That was in his head. My parents would never commit me or plan a wedding or courtship without talking to me. It very quickly became clear how into the idea he was though.

"He continued hurting mom and dad, cutting them up to 'bleed out the evil' in them. Each time he sliced into them, he named more sins I had committed that they should have stopped or sought repentance for. I watched it all, listening to him name things I had done years before, some I couldn't even remember doing. Then he turned to me."

She stopped talking for a bit, lost in her thoughts. I pulled her even tighter to me, so tightly I wondered if I was hurting her, but she didn't struggle or give any indication I was. I was a wreck. If it wasn't for Jasper next to me silently thinking a mantra to keep me calm, I don't know what I would have done to lash out.

Bella continued, "He was upset that I had been marked." Rose snorted, guessing upset didn't cover Riley's feelings. "He said he needed to reclaim me. That's when he branded me, so no one would ever question again to whom I belonged." Bella's voice was quiet but strong. My hand around her waist fisted as I thought of what she'd been through. I started shaking, trying to keep myself from screaming out in rage. Jasper was trying to calm me, but his emotions were not calm, so he was having difficulty throwing calm out in a room full of anything but calm emotions.

Bella took a deep breath. "When he was done marking me, he got me up and bound me with my hands tied to my ankles. Then . . . then he whipped me. It was my turn to earn my repentance, to see if I again could be worthy of him and stand as his wife. The catch was I needed to take my absolution in utter silence. If I cried out or made a single sound, my parents were harmed in some way.

"I don't know how many hours I took my punishment, listening to him make continual comments on decorum and comportment. A few times during the night I slipped into unconsciousness, but he had smelling salts or something, and continued to wake me. I tried so hard to be quiet, but failed, repeatedly. My dad died because I couldn't be quiet. _He_ was glad of that; it made him the only male figure in my life to answer to. My mom cried silent tears.

"I continued to lose track of time; all I know is sometime in the morning I moaned, and my mother then died in punishment. I killed both my parents, and _he_ made sure I knew it was my fault for not keeping quiet, for not being a good daughter, for not being worthy enough.

"After my parents died, he decided to stop whipping me as I no longer had incentive to stay quiet. When he untied me, I couldn't even move I was in pain everywhere. He pushed me to the ground where I lay in a heap. I slipped into unconsciousness then. I woke up three months later in the hospital. The doctors told me I had slipped into a catatonic state because of everything that'd happened to me. I didn't remember much, to begin with, but I worked hard to remember everything. Eventually I remembered all he did, that I was conscious for, and some of what happened at the frat party, though a lot of that remains missing in my head because of the drugs. I've been to each trial, so they all can be put away for what they did."

The room was silent of spoken words, but the thoughts swirled around me, though I couldn't focus or listen to a single one. All I could focus on was Bella and what she'd gone through. Every muscle in my body was clenched tightly, trying with all my might to not scream out and start throwing things right here and now. I was so focused on the torture and pain each of the men that touched Bella would suffer at my hands, I didn't even notice my family coming up and hugging and comforting her. My arm was still around her, only because I knew if I moved at all, I would run, and I couldn't do that to my angel. She needed me here right now. There would be time to kill soon enough.

Then I heard my love speaking again, responding to a question I hadn't heard, so I focused my energy on her and her words. "Yes, if you want to look up the records you can. I don't know what you'll find, or why you want to look, but it doesn't matter anymore, you know all of it."

Jasper pushed everyone away and crouched down in front of Bella, grabbing both her hands. "Darlin', you know none of this was your fault. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel ashamed about." Bella turned her head from him. He thought, _damn this is going to be a lot of work; she believes this is her fault and that she killed her parents._

Somehow my already out of control anger increased exponentially, I started growling, no longer able to contain the rage inside. Jasper laid a hand on me, trying to keep me from doing something I'd regret later. I stiffly nodded, letting him know I was going to be able to keep it together. I bent down and put my nose in Bella's hair, breathing her in; she grounded me and needed me. Once my focus was on her, I was able to maintain better control.

Carlisle stepped up, glancing at me then at Bella. "Bella, dear, is your name Bella Swan? Did you change your name?"

My love turned and gave Carlisle a surprised look. "How did you know that?"

Carlisle smiled. "It was a guess. With your story, I'm sure you've had plenty of people and press tracking you down. I'm guessing that's part of why you moved out here, so far from friends and family, to get away from all of that. If you kept your name, someone would have come and found you. I don't see that happened, so I assumed you changed your name."

Bella nodded. "My name is Isabella Marie Dwyer. Everyone always called me Bella, so I just used that. I don't like duplicity and knew I would get confused if I had to pretend my name was Tiffany or something. My mother's maiden name was Swan. I used that so I could still be a part of my family."

Emmett stepped up. "Listen, little one, I have only one question. Where are these fuckers, and how soon can we get there?"

"Huh? What do you mean?" Bella asked, confusion lacing her now raspy voice. She had to be getting tired, reliving everything for us.

"Bella, you can't think we're going to let these assholes get away with what they did to you. We're gonna go get 'em. Have no doubt, by tomorrow they'll be dead, and you'll no longer have to worry," Emmett said, pounding his fists together.

Bella shot up and off me, I followed her without thinking, I needed to be with her, to touch her. "No! You can't. Emmett, no, you have to promise me you won't harm them at all. That isn't an option!"

Emmett bellowed, causing Bella to flinch. "Why not! Of course we're going to go after them."

Bella reached a tentative hand towards him. "No, please don't. I don't want them to be harmed or hurt. Justice has been served on them; I don't want vigilantism or whatever you're thinking. I know you don't understand, but I've made my peace with them as people. That's over and done. Now they're in God's hands, and he will deal with them as they deserve."

Emmett nodded. "Exactly, Bellaboo, I just plan on hastening the process of bringing them to him!"

"Please don't, Emmett. Please."

Emmett looked at me. _You're with me right brother. These fuckers need to die._

Bella turned and looked at me; I had no clue what she saw on my face or in my eyes. "Please," she whispered.

I was helpless to deny her anything. I would find a way around this, but right now I looked at my love and saw how worn and tired she looked. "Fine. Let's get you upstairs; you look tired." I tried to keep my tone soft, but the residual anger was still there and I could tell she heard it.

Bella looked down. "I am tired."

Carlisle gave her some medication that would hopefully let her sleep through the night without any dreams. I walked with her upstairs, still lost in my thoughts. When she walked into the bathroom to change into her pajamas, I almost lost it. Being one room away was killing me. I needed to feel her; I knew her need to feel me had to be just as great. That decided me; I quickly changed into flannel pants and a t-shirt and crawled under the covers.

Bella walked out of the bathroom and stopped short when she saw me. I took a deep breath. "I promise nothing will happen. Please, I know you need to be held tonight; let me give you comfort."

Bella paused, then finally nodded and crawled into bed. I pulled her into my arms. "Don't worry," I said, "when Alice bought everything she included an electric blanket. I won't let you get cold sleeping close to me."

Bella simply nodded. I held her tight until she drifted off, all my thoughts focused on her as my family started digging into her past on the computer. This promised to be a very long night.

* * *

Sooooo was it better, worse, or what you expected? I'm sure that there are a lot of questions dangling out there, there are meant to be. Bella isn't hiding anything, she just wasn't able to share it all. If you have questions let me know, I think I have them all covered next chapter but I would hate to forget something. I've had a few people ask if next chapter will be better or worse than this chapter. I don't know how to answer that. We will learn a lot more about Bella's physical abuse next chapter which she glossed over or ignored this chapter. I don't know if that's harder to read or not.

Are you mad at Bella for not wanting the Cullens to seek vengeance? This is NOT SM's Bella. She is totally OOC so don't try to fit her into SM's Bella for her reactions. Bella's religious faith is strong and plays a huge part in her reaction. You don't have to agree but that's why she is how she is. I know many of you are waiting for the pain and torture, but it isn't gonna happen right now. Sorry.

Thank you to both Nissa and Ronnie who told me after reading that I have a very twisted mind. I take it as a compliment, though I don't know if it was meant as such. LOL

Story Rec: Letters to Isabella by writerinmydreams007, it is a story that promises lots of angst and love with a lot of lemons.


	32. Into the Night

*****This chapter contains graphic illustrations of physical and sexual abuse.**

**Chapter 32 – Into the night**

As I lay with Bella, I concentrated on breathing normally, trying to imitate the soft breaths coming from my angel. The repetition helped sooth and ground me. It allowed me to focus my thoughts on the moment, instead of spiraling down into everything Bella had shared. I pulled her into my chest, placed my nose in her hair, and reveled in her scent and warmth. I vowed no one would harm her again.

I slowly let my thoughts open up to what my family was doing. From what I could gather, they'd already had a conference and were together in Carlisle's office, on multiple laptops, looking up information. Emmett and Rose were trying to hack the D.A.'s computer, Alice was working on the defense attorney for Riley, and Jasper was hacking Bella's medical records. Carlisle and Esme were in the office as well, helping where they could.

Rose stopped working with Emmett for a bit and shouted out to me in her mind. _Edward, are you paying attention yet?_

"Yes," I answered, knowing Rose would understand I was answering her, and the rest of the family would recognize I was talking privately to someone.

Rose kissed Emmett and told him she would be right back. As she came up to my room, she was already thinking to me. _I know that had to be hard for you to hear Edward, but you really blew it!_

Huh? What was she talking about? I didn't do anything?

Rose came in and saw the confusion on my face. _Don't look confused. You did nothing for Bella. You gave her no comfort!_

"What do you mean?" I asked. "I was holding her the whole time! Giving her every comfort I could!" I was livid at the accusation that I hadn't been there for Bella. Of course I had.

_Don't get pissed at me. Tell me, oh supportive one. In all the rounds of hugs and comforting, what did you _say_ to Bella?_

I searched through my memory trying to figure out what I'd said that had Rose so mad. As I searched, the reason for Rose's anger became apparent. I hadn't said _anything_ to Bella the entire time. I was so focused on not blowing up, I didn't speak to her. I wasn't a total failure; I had given her strength through my touch, but I couldn't believe I hadn't spoken one word to her. I cursed myself for the idiot I was.

_I see you get it. Listen, it isn't the end of the world but tomorrow when she wakes up, you had better start sucking up! Seriously, she needs to know you don't hate her, blame her, or think less of her. _

I scoffed. The idea was laughable. I couldn't hate her; not a person on earth could blame her for anything, and my opinion of her, which already was to the moon, was now higher, knowing the pain she suffered through daily.

Rose nodded, feeling I got the gravity of the situation. _That's one thing I wanted to talk to you about. The other is about sex._

My eyes widened. "Don't you think that's a bit pre-mature? I'm not planning on that tomorrow or anything." I was trying to be vague, though most of the family could guess what Rose and I were conversing about.

_You better not be planning it tomorrow. Listen, all I want to say is give Bella as much control as you can. At shelters I've worked at, I've talked to women who thought they were ready for things they weren't, and it really set them back. You need to be patient and expect setbacks, though you're going to have to do all you can to keep assuring her. Honestly, Edward, I don't know any vampire who could even attempt to be with their mate and not have physical intimacy, yet that's what you have to do. _

I nodded and groaned. It sounded so simple, so easy to say, but even now, I was rock hard and it took effort to not roll Bella over and claim her physically as my mate.

Rose gave me a sympathetic look and glanced at Bella. _Treat her right brother, or I will rip your cock off and shove it up your ass. _She winked at me and left.

I rolled my eyes, but leaned down and brushed my lips across Bella's hair. I wouldn't hurt her, I vowed.

As the night wore on, I started thinking through what Bella had said and not said. A large part of me wished we were at her house tonight, so I wouldn't have to deal with the information my family was going to be finding. I knew Bella enough to know she wouldn't lie about what had happened, but she would withhold many things.

I thought about her adamant stance that we not harm anyone in her past. Could I really do that? I know I swore to myself I would not take another human life, but these monsters weren't human. They couldn't be. Then I thought about Bella, my sweet angel, who never asked me to give her anything. Could I deny her now that she had requested something of me?

She started whimpering in her sleep. I rubbed her cheek with my thumb and kept telling her she was safe, and I wouldn't let anyone hurt her. She quieted down and snuggled in closer to me. I never felt heat like I did right now, with her pressed against me, chest to chest, hip to hip, legs entwined. I never wanted to let her go.

"Got it," Jasper called out. I focused on him as he pulled up Bella's medical records. "Geesh, Bella must be a klutz. Look how many times she's been to the hospital."

I cringed. I could see everything Jasper was looking at, and her medical account showed many dates of service. My poor love really was a klutz, and I loved her more for it.

Jasper pulled up her records from two years ago September, as Carlisle read over his shoulder, about when Bella was admitted for rape. Reading through Jasper and Carlisle's thoughts was not ideal, but I wouldn't leave Bella for anything, so I made due. I focused on them as certain key words were in their thoughts: broken pelvis, dislocated shoulder, hysterectomy, Chlamydia, blood transfusion, anal tearing. I tried to turn my head away, but the thoughts wouldn't leave, and Jasper and Carlisle kept reading.

Then the pictures came. I choked out a cry. Picture after picture of my love bruised, bloodied and violated. I could see where fingers dug into her fragile flesh, where blood poured from her vaginal canal and rectum from tearing, and the deep gashes from the knife that cut her stomach.

Jasper turned to her blood work at Carlisle's instance. It showed she had high doses of both the date rape drug flunitrazepam, or Rohypnol, and Ecstasy in her system. No wonder much of that night was fuzzy to her. It's amazing, with the drugs coursing through her system, she remembered anything. There was a note that she was started on drugs to counteract Chlamydia, which multiple rapists had.

The rage poured through me. Those monsters not only violated and broke my love, but gave her a disease. I was thankful it was an STD that was treatable. If they had infected her with HIV or herpes, nothing could have stopped me from going after them.

As I stewed, Jasper and Carlisle kept looking through Bella's medical records. I groaned and pulled her closer. They were now looking at the part of her file showing pictures that documented everything that happened to her. I held her tight as picture after picture showed her bruised and bloodied. Her face was distorted, and it appeared she was unconscious for the pictures, thankfully.

Carlisle moved on to her surgical records. Bella had sustained a broken pelvis and so many tears in her cervix and uterus that they needed to be removed. My love, at the tender age of nineteen, was barren, against her will. As Carlisle continued on, he saw the files on her wrist, showing deep cuts that needed bandaging. Obviously this was what she had hidden under her cuffs. He then studied the knife wounds on her stomach. Some were much deeper than others and needed actual stitches and not just glue. In total she needed 132 stitches on top of the glue to keep the cuts closed. Lastly, her records indicated she'd had fifteen stitches placed in her anus and vagina to deal with the internal tearing there. My love had been on the operating table for four hours and twenty-five minutes.

I leaned down and kissed Bella's head. I couldn't even imagine the pain she had to have been in. How had she lived through that? I couldn't even fathom the physical pain, much less the emotional and mental feelings that went along with it.

As I was reflecting on how strong my love really was, I was interrupted by Emmett hollering out. "No! That's Bella? I don't care what she said; they're dead. Dead!" He turned to Rose. "Babe, you're with me, aren't you."

Rose didn't respond. Her tumultuous thoughts kept fluttering back to when her fiancé had left her beaten and broken. Bella had been left in worse shape than Rose had been. For, perhaps the first time ever, Rose's felt empathy and anguish for another person. She turned to Emmett. "You drive."

They both started to get up when Jasper grabbed Emmett's arm. "Don't, unless you want to be responsible for breaking Bella even further."

Emmett growled and jerked his arm out of Jasper's hand. "I'm not going to break Bella, I'm going to break the assholes that did that to her!" he shouted, pointing to the pictures of Bella.

Jasper called out as both started walking away. "Know that you do this for yourself, not for her. When she finds out, and she will, you can watch her break. This time, I don't know if she'll come back."

They stopped and Rose turned. "What do you mean?"

Jasper sighed. "Listen, you heard Bella. She thinks her parents died because she couldn't keep quiet." Emmett slammed his hand into the wall making a hole and started to speak. Jasper moved on quickly. "It wasn't her fault. Everyone knows that. He was going to kill her parents no matter what she did. He was looking for an excuse. The point is, he made sure their deaths were 'caused' by a completely normal response of hers. She truly thinks she murdered her parents.

"What, of all you have seen of Bella, shows that she doesn't value all human life, whether or not they deserve it? If you kill those assholes, Bella will feel like you murdered in her name, and she will then feel responsible. If you kill them, you might as well place a knife in her hands and make her do it herself. She'll see it that way. Is that what you want?"

Emmett and Rose paused and thought through what Jasper said. Rose broke the silence. "Are you saying we leave them be? That prison is enough for what they did?" she spat out.

Jasper sighed, "No, I don't think it's enough. Don't you think I want their blood as much as you? Right now I need to think of Bella though; that girl is broken so badly, and killing them will only make us happy. Who knows, maybe someday it will change, although knowing Bella I doubt it."

Emmett started speaking, and I growled listening to his thoughts. "What if we change Bella? Would she embrace her inner vampire and want to kill them herself?"

I spoke softly enough to not wake Bella, but with enough force to get my point across. "That won't be happening."

Carlisle spoke up. "Changing Bella now would be detrimental to her. When vampires change they become a reflection of who they are when changed. Bella has spent two years broken and in a deep depression. I don't think she deserves and eternity of that. She needs to be mentally healed before anyone should consider changing her."

I sighed and threw my head back. Bella would not be changed, but now wasn't the time to argue. I let Carlisle's statement rest and didn't add that Bella had suffered enough. Three days of fire and torment wouldn't help her.

Emmett and Rose sat back down, neither happy with what they were being told, but accepting there was nothing that would change right now.

Alice, who had been largely ignoring the entire drama that had just ensued, piped up. "I have Riley's trial information here. It looks like they tried hard for an insanity plea, but weren't able to get it because he was mentally competent. Even after they hired four different psychiatrists hoping for one to agree, they couldn't find one. The best they could do was attempt to plea a type of temporary insanity, which was blown to bits when he threatened Bella in the trial itself.

"Riley talked in depth to the attorney, showing no remorse for his actions. In fact, he had a sadistic pleasure in harming her. Oh, No! Bella's mother likely died less than thirty minutes before they were found. I imagine she feels even guiltier from that."

Esme interpreted. "What happened? Who found them?"

Alice continued, "From the attorney's records, one of Charlie's officer friends came by to see him and check how Bella was doing. Riley wasn't too smart. He was torturing the family in their living room. The officer saw and he called for backup. When they arrived Bella, was out cold. Things didn't go well with the rescue. Riley grabbed Bella and stabbed her in the ribs hoping to kill her. He then tried to run, but obviously, was caught."

"They were hoping for a lighter sentence, but from the notes there is no hope. The jury came back from deliberating on his guilty verdict in less than twenty minutes. He was found guilty on all charges; his minimum sentence is eighty years. He will never see the light of day again."

Alice's voice quieted. "There are a few personal notes in here. The defense attorney did all he could for Riley to get off, but I think he's happy Riley was found guilty. When he saw Bella on the stand two weeks ago, it really affected him. I wonder if he will continue as a defense attorney."

Bella had whimpered lightly partway through Alice's commentary. I brushed her cheek, and she sighed into me, burying her face in my chest. She fell back into a deep sleep. There was quiet downstairs as Emmett and Rose continued trying to hack the DA's computer, Carlisle continued reading Bella's charts while Alice was looking through old newspapers to get more information on the rapists.

Carlisle finished looking through Bella's records from the rape. Taking a deep breath, he told Jasper to pull up records from four days later, of her admittance after the incident with Riley.

Jasper pulled up the pictures first, and my fists clenched to the point I would be drawing blood if I had any to draw. From the midpoint of Bella's back all the way down her butt there was no skin. All of it had been stripped away by the whipping Riley had given her. No one would be able to take that kind of abuse in silence. Bella's wrists, which were already raw and broken from her rape, were torn open again from twine Riley had used to bind her. The worst of it was the branding over the unhealed 'tally marks' on her stomach. She looked like she had been burned and the stitches were fried off with blood pouring out.

The operative notes showed Bella had sustained a punctured lung and multiple broken ribs. One of her ribs had fractured enough that there were slivers embedded in her lungs that needed removing.

I divided my attention between Alice and Carlisle and the information they were discovering. I hated what she'd been through and wished I'd been there for her.

Emmett shouted out. "I'm in!" He started going through the DA's files, looking up Bella's rape. "Why are there only nine files here?" As Emmett started looking further, it showed that Bella had been raped by eight men, not thirteen, but some had taken multiple turns violating her.

Emmett read through the transcripts of the past trials, and we saw Bella's testimony. Heartbreaking didn't define it, as we read through her describing what she remembered. The most horrifying thing was to learn that the monsters had videotaped the entire thing. Emmett downloaded the file, but I told him not to play it right now. I knew I wouldn't be able to watch.

As Emmett looked through the files, the depravity of some of the men that harmed Bella became apparent. Raping innocent girls was not a new venture for them. Of the eight guys that raped her, only two had not raped other girls. I was glad they were behind bars. I even hoped each of them were someone's bitch and learned what it was like to be violated. For now, that was the only revenge I could hope for.

When Emmett came to Paul's file, my vision clouded in rage. All that kept me sane was the beautiful girl in my arms, her warmth washing over me. I had been wondering why Bella had been marked. There was no way they could get away with doing that and someone not finding out. Paul had no intention of anyone finding out what had happened to Bella. He had planned on murdering her. I held Bella tighter to me, almost as if Paul was in the room right then, trying to take her. Emmett noted a comment by the DA that Bella knew nothing about Paul's plan on killing her, and that he was going to try and keep the information from her. I was glad, Bella didn't need to know. Paul's trial had been delayed multiple times as more victims came forward, and he used stalling attempts. The judge had stepped in and stopped more delays; his trial was scheduled to go forward the beginning of February. I would be there for Bella. Nothing would stop me.

The last file Emmett opened was Bree's, I was interested to know how involved she was. From the file we learned Bree was Paul's girlfriend. She knew he liked to play with "innocents" on the side, and never got in the way,. He always came back to her. Paul, though, had been interested in Bella for a while. They had shared a class and worked on a project together. Bella had rebuffed all Paul's attempts to get with him or show up at a party. He started getting angry and obsessed with "breaking the bitch". When Bree saw Bella at the party, she saw it as the perfect opportunity to give Paul what he wanted, and hopefully he would then stop obsessing over the girl. Bree knew of Paul's plans to kill Bella and supported him, in fact, encourage it.

The most aggravating thing was that Bree was serving the smallest sentence of all of them. Since she didn't in fact rape Bella, she couldn't be charged with as much as the men. She did get charged with conspiracy to plan murder, though the maximum sentence she could be given wasn't as much as the rapist. I contemplated if we could search Bree's past to find out if there were other things she had done, and bring them to light. I would talk to Emmett and see if he could dig. I knew he was anxious for all of them to further pay.

When Emmett finished the rapists' files he looked at Riley's. Everything showed what we had already found out. He had broken into the Dwyer residence that night. Bella was from an incredibly small town, and Riley knew where the hide-a-key was. When he got in the house, he grabbed Charlie's handcuffs and gun. He crept upstairs and cuffed Charlie to his bed while he was asleep, then took Renee downstairs and tied her up. He then went back for Charlie, and finally Bella.

I tuned out the rest, already knowing more than I wanted to know. How anyone could suffer through what she suffered, and live day to day, was beyond me. She was so gentle, loving and forgiving, I had no clue how it was possible, and it only made her more precious to me. As I held her, I started thinking of different things I could do to help her, to make her life more livable, and to show her she was loved.

I was thinking and planning when I heard Jasper excuse himself from everything going on downstairs. He came up to my room and looked at Bella and I.

_Listen, Edward, Bella needs help. We need to get her into therapy. _

I scoffed, "how do you plan on convincing her of that?" I knew enough about my love to know she wouldn't embrace therapy, thinking it would make her weak.

Jasper winked. _With help from you, of course. Obviously the best plan is for Bella to want to go to therapy herself. It's hard to help fix someone who doesn't want fixing. I think Bella wants to be fixed, but doesn't feel she deserves it. So we will get her talking in another way. _You, _my dear brother, are going to convince her it's what you want for her. If Bella thinks she is pleasing you, she'll be more apt to try. Once we get her talking, the goal will be to understand her own need to make amends with her past._

I didn't like the idea of deceiving Bella, but we really wouldn't be. It's true she needed therapy, and I wanted her to get it. I just wasn't convinced it would be as easy as me asking her to go.

"Do you really think it will be that easy?" I said.

Jasper smiled. _That's where telling her she is in therapy talking to a friend comes in._ I gave him a questioning look. _Me, of course. I have degrees in psychology, and am also a friend._

I nodded, it could work. "Plus, with me there, it would be very informal.

Jasper gave me a concerned look. _You can't be there Edward. She needs to be able to talk in confidentiality. You know how therapy works. Plus she needs someone to go to when I've had to push her. You can't be there, Edward, no one can. The house will have to be empty._

I growled. "I don't think so. It was only a few weeks ago you lost control!"

Jasper looked sheepish. _I understand, but there's no reason to think Bella will suddenly start bleeding while sitting and talking to me. Plus with only me there, I won't be overwhelmed with the hunger from everyone else. Edward she needs it; think about it. I would like to talk to her soon._

I nodded. I would think about it, and I already knew I would do it. It was the best thing for Bella. I sighed as the sun started to rise. My time with Bella sleeping in my arms was almost up, and there was a lot I needed to talk to her about when she woke.

* * *

AN: 1. What did you think of the chapter? Was it better or worse than the last? We are done with a lot of the angsty bits of Bella's past now. Starting next chapter there will be a lot more with Edward and Bella moving forward as a couple, so breath easier!

Schedule. I will no longer be updating weekly. I'm sorry I am just getting burned out and with summer I have to many weeks I'm going to be gone so I will be updating every other week. This will continue past summer as in fall I will be posting my new story on alternate weeks. I'm sorry, I know this will upset many of you but it is what it is. I will try and make it easier by making the chapters longer instead of short like this one.

I have entered a contest. Silence of the Wolves. Honestly I didn't enter to win anything, I had a fun plot bunny in my head that matched this contest perfectly. So I sucked it up and wrote a one shot (something I promised I'd never do). It is an anonymous contest so I can't tell you which is my entry, just know I wrote my first ever lemon, yes vampires and wolves can have sex, doesn't always end well, but they can do it. If you want to see all the entries and vote go to: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2269000/

INTERVIEW! So many of you had fun with the interview with Edward I thought I would try again. Many of you asked to talk to Bella, so I'm going to interview her. Next week I'll post in the out takes and interview with Bella. This will take place where the story is now. So Edward hasn't talked to her about mating . . . yet, and she has shared her story. Edward will be bringing her to the interview, cause he is protective and doesn't think she will be safe otherwise, so if you have a question you forgot to ask him you can now (NMA if you ask any more about his jizz I'm smacking you!). Put your questions in your review or in a PM.

Lastly, don't forget about the Nashville Relief Compilation. I'm going to be submitting my first chapter of subward and Domella for people to read, and I'm hoping to also have BPOV of the Homecoming dance for anyone interested in her thoughts that night. To get information you can go here: http:/community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/ficsfornash/474(dot)html

Thank you to Nissa and Ronnie that convinced me to not throw the whole chapter out! Thank you to all my readers and reviewers, I love you all.


	33. Important Conversations

**Chapter 33 – Important Conversations**

I sat holding my love as I thought through all the things I wanted to talk to her about today. First and foremost, I needed to assure her of my love and that nothing had changed with her revealing her past. I needed to talk to her about being mated. I wanted her to know and understand. I also wanted to talk to her about what being mated meant to her going forward. I hoped it meant we wouldn't be apart any longer, though I didn't know if she would be ok with that. I wanted to talk to her about starting therapy with Jasper. I still was slightly hesitant about Jasper's control, but knew she needed to be able to talk about her past and possibly things going on now, so a traditional human therapist wasn't an option.

I knew all of my plans were contingent on how Bella woke up this morning. If I had had my way I would have explained being mated the first hour she'd come home from Riley's trial, but with the state she'd been in that hadn't been an option. After she awoke she was so despondent and removed from everything, I didn't want to add to her burdens. I was hoping today she would wake up, open enough that we could have the much needed discussion. Plus, I didn't know if I could deal with such a withdrawn Bella again.

As I thought through everything I wanted to talk to Bella about and my hopes that I would be able to, I listened to my family as the moved around the house. Everyone had left Carlisle's study, and was working on their own things for a while. It was decided that everyone needed a break to process their own thoughts on what had happened to Bella. Also, no one wanted her to be around while they researched either, hoping to keep her from having more bad memories.

I heard Bella's heart rate and breathing slowly start speeding up. I softly stroked her cheek, hoping the touch would help her awake knowing she wasn't alone. I didn't know how long it would take her to remember everything from last night, and I didn't want to scare her. I felt her eyelashes flutter open and her breathing catch, while she stiffened slightly. I kept my touch soft and whispered, "It's ok Bella. It's just me. I won't let anything happen to you. You're safe. I promise, my love."

She slowly started relaxing and then looked up at me. "Umm, hello?" My love was not a morning person, and I could tell it would take her a few moments to remember why she was in a bed with me.

I gave her a smile. "What do you remember of last night, angel?"

Bella paused as she thought back. "I told everyone my past. Now everyone knows."

I wanted to cry seeing her broken face. "Yes, you did love, and all of us are in awe of what you've lived through, and that you've managed to remain as beautiful in your soul as you have. Bella, I've never heard a story like yours, and I can't express how sorry I am that you went through that, and how happy I am that you survived. You're an amazing person. I knew you had tragedy in your past, but nothing prepared me for what it really was. Knowing the details only makes my feelings for you stronger. I told you nothing, _nothing_ could make me hate you. I meant it."

I could see the disbelief on her face. I gave her a few moments to process what I'd said. I'd learned Bella liked a bit to process new thoughts. "You don't think less of me?" she asked, with a tremulous voice.

"Of course not. No one could." Bella's face fell and she would no longer look me in the eye. "Bella. Look at me, love." She took a shuddering breath and slowly lifted her eyes to me. "Did that happen? Did someone learn your story and stop talking to you?" She nodded. The rage in me was instantly brought to the surface. Who could leave her over her story? I sighed and pulled her closer to me. "I don't understand how that's possible, but I promise you, Bella, I will not leave you, unless you tell me to. Ok?" She nodded against my chest.

I heard Emmett downstairs announce that Bella never said he couldn't kill any of the fuckers that hurt her that weren't in jail, so whoever was left was open game. Rose smacked him on the head. While I agreed, this did show me that I if I was going to talk to Bella I needed to do so without my family around. There was no way I was having such an important conversation with them listening in and commenting.

I brushed Bella's hair back and she looked up at me. "Would you like breakfast?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, why don't you get dressed, and we'll go downstairs and get you something to eat." I saw Bella's face fall. I took a moment to think why and guessed she didn't want to see the whole family quite yet. She'd shared a lot, and I knew Bella hated being pitied or treated differently and likely thought she would face such reactions from my family. She wasn't a morning person, so facing my whole family first thing after waking she would likely find disconcerting. "I have a better idea. Get dressed and I'll bring breakfast up here. You can eat in quiet for a little while. How does that sound?"

Bella sighed and nodded. "I think I'd like that. Are you sure it wouldn't be too much trouble?"

I kissed her forehead. "Of course not. Oatmeal ok?"

"Hmm, sounds perfect. With cinnamon and browns sugar?" Her eyes gleamed.

I scoffed, "Is there another way?"

Bella giggled. I would give anything to hear that beautiful sound all day, every day. I rolled to the other side of the bed and got out, giving her a little privacy to get dressed and do anything else she wanted to do.

I went downstairs where my family was all gathered in the kitchen. "Glad you reassured her first thing. There's hope for you yet. If you screw up in the future, I promise to let you know." Rose said.

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks for being so giving, sister."

Esme had started Bella's breakfast and smiled at me. "She sounds like she's doing ok this morning.

I smiled. "Yeah, I think so. I was wondering. I need to talk to her about a few things, privately. Would you guys mind letting us have the house for a little bit."

Rose scoffed. "Why should _we_ leave if _you_ want to talk to her? Leave yourself."

Typical Rose, only thinking of how things affected her. I said, "I thought it might be easier since she was already here. She's been in my room for a week now; I don't know that she wants to leave yet."

I looked at Carlisle, knowing he would be the one to make the decision. Reading in his thoughts, he had no problem with the idea. He spoke up, "I don't think it's that big of a deal. It isn't as if we all don't have places we could go for a few hours, even if it's to hunt." Carlisle turned to me. "Make sure she eats, and she's still very weak from her malnutrition and the emotional strain. Encourage her to nap today if possible."

I nodded.

Jasper turned to me. "I would like to talk to her about what we talked about. Maybe this afternoon I can talk to her with you there."

I again nodded.

Esme had finished making Bella her breakfast and handed me a tray saying, "Take this to her. I'm sure she's getting hungry."

While we had talked I had heard Bella moving around my room, but there wasn't any noise now. I assumed she was dressed, so brought breakfast up. I knocked before entering to make sure she was alright with me coming in. When she responded she was I entered. It took me a moment to find her, as she wasn't on any of the chairs. I spied her sitting on the floor in the corner looking outside. I don't know why, but it seemed when Bella was feeling insecure she would crawl up in a tight ball against a wall on the floor. Maybe she thought she was inconspicuous there, I didn't know, but I wasn't going to push the issue.

I placed the tray in front of her. "Here you go, Bella. I'm going to go get dressed." I wanted to give her a few more moments alone, so I dressed slowly. Taking my cue from Bella, who was in baggy jeans and an oversized sweatshirt, I dressed casually as well, with many layers, so if I got the chance to hold her later she wouldn't get cold.

I walked out of the bathroom and sat leaning against the wall next to Bella. I didn't say anything. My mate enjoyed her quiet, and I liked and respected that as well. Silence between us was always comfortable and easy; neither of us felt the need to fill the silence with meaningless chatter. I listened to my family all leave and smiled when the house was empty. I reveled that I could sit with someone in silence, no thoughts intruding on me.

After Bella was finished eating, I waited a few moments before I turned and spoke to her. "Everyone's left for a few hours. Do you want to get out of the room? I was hoping to talk to you about a few things." I saw a look of trepidation on her face and quickly reassured her. "It's nothing to fear. I was hoping to let you know a bit more about me and talk about a few things between us. If anything makes you uncomfortable we can stop talking. Ok?"

Bella smiled. "Ok."

I smiled back. "Since you've been in my room for a week, how about you pick a place for us to talk." I quickly rose, grabbing her tray and held my hand out to help her. She stood up and we walked out of my room. I was curious to see where she would go. She'd been in various rooms in our house many times, but I'd never thought to ask where she wanted to go. Usually Alice had plans for us, so we both followed where we were told to go. I couldn't hold back the grin when she went into the conservatory. It was probably my favorite room, after my own. This is where my piano was, and also a tranquil sitting area amongst plants and flowers facing a floor length window. That's where Bella headed. She sat on a small sofa and I sat next to her.

"This is one of my favorite places to be as well," I told her.

She smiled.

We sat for a while in the quiet before I turned to her. "Bella, do you remember anything I've told you about when a vampire mates?" I'd tried to think of circumspect ways of broaching the subject, but decided to throw caution to the wind and just be open and honest.

She gave me a slightly confused look. "I remember a bit. You said you mate instantly, and it is forever right?"

I nodded. "You're right. Being mated is a big thing for a vampire. In a lot of ways you could say it's something we wait for, from the moment we're turned. Until then we aren't complete. There's a part of us that's vacant, waiting to be filled with the love of our mate. Mated vampires tend to have a better chance for survival. We are only complete once mated."

Bella tilted her head and looked at me. "You aren't complete?"

I held her eye while I replied, "Yes, after more than ninety years, I can finally say I am."

Her eyes widened. "You've mated?"

I nodded. "Yes, I have."

I tried to hold her eye hoping she'd get it, but she looked down. "Oh." Then she took a deep breath and put a tremulous smile on her face. "I'm happy for you. Who is she?"

I brushed my hand against her cheek. "She's the most beautiful _human_ with long brown hair, deep brown eyes and silent mind that brings me peace," I smirked, "and a little bit of frustration wondering what she's thinking. She has the most beautiful soul I've ever known. Her courage amazes me and makes me humble, knowing I could never live through everything she has. Compassionate, her compassion and ability to forgive is beyond anything I've ever known."

Bella's eyes widened. "Me?"

I nodded at her. "You."

I saw confusion flutter across her face. "How is that possible? Don't vampires mate with vampires?"

I breathed out. "I always thought so, but it would seem not. Obviously, there aren't any vampires out there for me, and instead I have found the perfect human."

Bella looked past me, lost in thought. I gave her a moment, while holding her hand and rubbing the back of it so she knew I was there, but not pushing. She looked back at me. "Are you sure?"

"I am. I admit it never occurred to me that it was possible to mate with a human. I have been in denial for a long time. When you left though, Carlisle and I talked, and it became more than obvious. I've changed greatly; you've changed me. I wasn't even aware it was happening. Then when you left, I was a mess. I hated being away from you; it physically hurt. The worst of it was knowing that you hurt as well. Mates, especially new mates, aren't meant to be apart." I paused letting everything I said sink in.

Bella's face fell. "I hurt you? Because of me you were in pain?"

"No love, you didn't cause me pain. There was no fault. I know if we had known, things would likely have been different. I'm telling you now, so going forward we don't have such problems again."

Bella paused again and looked at me. "You don't have a choice do you?"

I was confused. "What do you mean?"

"Mating is involuntary isn't it?"

I nodded.

"So you got stuck with me. You don't have a choice. You wouldn't have chosen me, but you were made to pick me."

"Bella, no." I reached over and grabbed both her hands. "It isn't like that. Vampires mate with the perfect person for them, the person meant to complete them. It isn't a hardship or cruel fate. I've imagined who it was I would mate to, what the vampire would be like. I never was able to get a clear picture in my head. I had ideas of things I would hope my mate would be like but even that was nebulous at best. You, I could never have imagined someone like you. You're perfect for me in ways I would never have thought to want. Part of me feared being mated, now all I feel is excitement and happiness that it's you."

I gave her a small smile. "The opposite could be said as well. Are you mad to find you have an involuntary bond with a monster?"

Bella's eyes widened. "You know I don't think of you that way. You _aren't _a monster."

"Only you would say that, my love. Honestly, I wondered from the beginning how you could take being with a coven of vampires so well. You took the whole idea in stride. I think it was the mating that helped you with that and allowed you to accept us as no other human ever could. You don't see us are the monsters we are."

Bella huffed. "That's because you aren't monsters! Yes, you're vampires, and by your very nature you crave blood, but all of you deny yourselves. That isn't something monsters do. You all have also helped me. That's not the stuff of monsters. I know you hate what you are, but I don't. Please stop saying you're a monster."

I smiled. "To you, I'm not, and I don't think I ever could be."

"Is there anything else? I mean, how do you know we're mated?" she asked.

"Yeah, not only do we feel the pain of being separated, but you can feel me when I'm close, right?"

She nodded.

"That connection is part of the bond we have. I admit I didn't catch on. I was so focused on your blood and your silent mind; I assumed that was why I was drawn to you. When you told me you could feel when I was close, I should have thought more about it and paid attention, that wouldn't have happened outside our bond."

Bella nodded again. "From almost the beginning I could feel . . . tingles? . . . anticipation? Something when you were near. I admit, in the beginning, when I felt you watching me when I was home, I was scared, but there was such a strong sense of peace the fear went away. Normally, I would have freaked out if I knew someone was watching me, but that was never the case. I felt secure."

I smiled. "I'm glad. I would never want to scare you, love."

Bella blushed and looked down. "You keep calling me that. Is there . . . do you . . . I mean why?"

I was confused. "What?"

"Love," she whispered.

My smile grew. "Because you are. You're my love, my mate, my angel. You're all these things to me."

She still hadn't looked up. I knew it was her natural bashfulness causing her to keep her face hidden. "When did you know?"

"When did I know I loved you?" I asked, for clarification.

She nodded.

I sighed. "I _knew_ when I admitted to myself we were mated and stopped living in avoidance and denial. It _should _have been apparent to me from the start. I think though, when you came to visit here, that first time, and you panicked, part of me broke watching. I vowed to do anything to keep from you being hurt like that again. Then, later that afternoon, when you trusted me enough to take you running and to the top of the tree, you owned my heart then, though I hadn't even known I'd given it to you." Bella looked in my eyes, reading the truth there. I took a deep breath. "Do you . . . love me?"

Bella worried her lip and blushed. "Yeah, for a while," she whispered.

"When did you know?" I asked.

Bella turned and snuggled down into my shoulder. I knew talking was difficult for her. This way we were connected, but she didn't have to look in my eyes. I hoped in time she would get past whatever worry she had that caused her to avoid looking at me when talking about her feelings. I held her to me giving her as much love as I could.

She spoke, quietly, but with confidence. "I knew from the beginning there was something different about you. I'm not talking about you being a vampire, but about _you_. After . . . well after everything that happened to me, I shut down. Even when I woke months later I stopped feeling. I couldn't. It hurt too much, so I bottled everything up. From the very beginning with you, I felt emotions I hadn't felt in two years. It scared me, and a part of me hated you."

She paused and looked up at me. I brushed my lips across her forehead. "That's understandable," I assured her.

She snuggled back down. "Soon, though, I just accepted it and slowly allowed myself to feel again. It was very difficult, but somehow I was strengthened when we were together. It helped me feel without overwhelming me."

Bella stopped talking then. When she finally started speaking again it was in a very soft voice. "When I was younger I'd made a commitment to myself. I was never going to kiss anyone other than my future husband. I wanted to give all of myself to whomever he ended up being. After . . . I was violated, I never gave thought to it again. I was no longer marriage material. I figured no one would want someone like me, certainly no one that would have appreciated that I had wanted to save all of myself for him. I felt tainted and unworthy.

"At homecoming, when we kissed, I started thinking again about it all. I knew at that time that I'd fallen in love with you, but I didn't know what it meant or what would happen. I decided to just not say anything figuring eventually you'd move on. Until then, I would savor what time I could with you, without putting pressure on you by declaring my feelings."

I kissed the top of her head. "You're not, you know. Unworthy. You're eminently worthy. Just because your innocence was taken from you in such a brutal way, does not make your gift of willingly kissing me any less. In fact, I think it makes it more amazing and more real that you bequeathed such a gift to me."

Bella looked at me with wonder and love in her eyes. I slowly leaned over and kissed her. I missed her lips so much; their heat and sweetness was better than any blood could ever be. I licked her bottom lip sucking it gently in my mouth and heard Bella moan. I softly released her before I lost control. Listening to her moaning in my arms was almost more than I could take. I wanted more and knew neither of us was ready.

"We need to talk about a few things in relation to our being mated," I said.

"Is it bad?" Bella asked.

I chuckled. "No, not at all. I already touched on us being newly mated, that newly mated pairs tend to spend a lot of time together. It's important for the bond."

Bella gave me a confused look and I smiled at her. "We are bonded. There's a vampire, in Voltera, named Marcus, who can literally see the bonds between people. I've seen it in his thoughts. When a vampire mates there is a gold string that connects and binds them. How thick and bright the cord is depends on the strength of the bond. In the first years of bonding, being together strengthens that bond and deepens their connection. For nomadic vampires, which most are, this is very important; it allows them to anticipate each other's needs and makes them stronger, less likely to be killed. Of course we don't have to worry about safety, as the Cullen family is the second largest coven known, but the instinct is still there."

"Is that why I feel lost almost when I'm not with you?" Bella asked.

"Yes, that's part of it. The larger part, I think is most important to us, is that mates can help and heal each other. You said I made you feel for the first time in two years. I can say the same, though I was apathetic for longer than two years, without even realizing it. You, though, caused me to feel again. No one will ever be able to comfort me, or bring me joy like you can. Is it the same for you?"

"Very much so."

I smiled. "I can't fix everything for you, not by a long shot, but we can help each other. That leads me to our bonded gift. All mated pairs have a bond connection, something that is particular to them that deepens their connection. Alice and Jasper can look at each other and connect on a level beyond what any of us can do with them. They feel each other and almost communicate, well beyond Jasper's empathic and Alice's clairvoyant gift. Emmett and Rose connect through sex, hence why they are always going at it like rabbits, everywhere! Carlisle and Esme use words to connect. Does that all make sense?"

Bella's brow furrowed a bit. "Yeah, it kinda does. I've seen Jasper and Alice look at each other and you can feel their connection. I don't want to even get into Emmett and Rose. Carlisle and Esme though, that's sweet, I can picture them saying very loving words to each other."

I snorted.

"What?" my love asked.

"Well they do say loving things, that's true, but listening to them talk dirty to each other could scar you for life!"

Bella blanched. "Talk dirty to each other!"

"You have no idea!" I laughed watching the shock on Bella's face. "Anyway, I want to ask you. I know I have an idea, but what do you think our bonding gift is? What do we share between us that brings us closer? Something that excites or clams when needed. What do you seek out from me when you feel you need me?"

Bella considered what I asked. "Touching I think. Just being able to hold your hand seems to ground me when I feel like I'm losing myself."

I tightened my arms around her for a bit. "I agree, touch. Now this is a good thing, but could be a bad thing. I don't want that to happen. Look at me."

Bella turned so she was facing me and I held her face in my hands, she placed her own over mine. "Why is it bad?"

"As with anything, this gift can be a double edged sword. While the right touch, accepted and wanted touch, brings us closer, any touch that hurts or harms can cause irreparable damage to our bond. This normally isn't a worry. Mates don't want to hurt their mates, but it sometimes happens unintentionally. That's my concern."

I blew out a deep breath and moved my hands to holding Bella's in her lap. Vampires, mates, tend to have a very strong sexual drive." I heard Bella's heart start racing. "Shh, calm down, love. We don't need to have sex; I just want to explain everything, ok?"

Bella nodded and I could see her visibly trying to calm herself.

"What I am saying is that we will both have urges and desires, to at some point, consummate our relationship, but we don't have to do anything. It is up to us. Just know that you may feel things. I want you to be prepared."

Bella nodded, sighed and buried her head in the crook of my neck. I held her tightly and let what I said settle in. I knew she would have a difficult time with what it, but she needed to know. The fact that we had been mated for almost four months and hadn't consummated our bond was already beyond anything I had heard of. At some point, she would start feeling needs I was sure, if she didn't already.

After Bella's breathing went back to normal, I carded my fingers through her hair and started speaking again. "Bella, I will _never_ do anything to you that you expressly don't want me to. I've given this a lot of thought. At first I considered just asking you to tell me when you wanted to move ahead, but I know you're shy, and I don't want to place that pressure on you. I then thought that I would ask you each time before taking a step further in our physical relationship, but I also know you always want to please others, and I would hate for you to say you're ready for something you aren't. So, if it's all right with you, I'm going to put our physical relationship in your hands. When, _if_, you think you're ready for something more, then you can do so with me. After you've done something with me then I will know you think you're ready for me to try with you. You will still _always_ have the right to tell me 'no' if you're scared or not ready. Does that make sense?"

My love looked up at me in confusion. "Umm, no I don't understand."

"Ok, let me give you an example. I've never kissed your shoulder, you've never kissed mine. I won't kiss your shoulder until you tell me it's ok by kissing mine first. We will do that with everything. Unless you've seen, touched or kissed a place on me, I can't see, touch, or kiss a place on you. Is that clearer?"

Bella's eyes were wide. "I don't know. That sounds like a lot of pressure. What about you? What if you aren't ready, and I scare you, or what if I never find the courage to touch you anywhere?"

I could tell Bella was starting to panic. "Shh, love, it's ok. There is no pressure. If we never do more than hold hands and kiss I will be happy. I am only telling you all this so we have a plan _if_ there comes a time you think you may want more. If that time never comes, that's fine, I'd rather have you like I do now, then not at all. As for me, if you do something I don't want you to, I promise to let you know. If you have questions, ask me. We will work through this. I promise."

Bella looked at me for a long moment before she cuddled down against me again. "This right here, my love, is all I need." And it was true. Though I did admit to myself I wanted more physically from Bella, but not at the loss of what we had now. Her being willing and wanting was infinitely more important than my, now, overactive libido.

Bella stayed snuggled up with me and eventually drifted off to sleep. I kissed the top of her head and just held her, thinking of how well she took the concept of being mated. I was scared she would baulk at the idea. No, not my Bella, she took it in stride, almost like she already knew, and in a way I guess she did. To think she'd never willingly kissed anyone other than me. I was humbled and elated to learn that. My love truly was amazing.

Bella was still sleeping when my family started filtering back in the house. Esme stopped by to see us and asked if Bella was ok and to place a blanket over her. When Bella awoke I asked her if she was hungry. We walked in the kitchen holding hands, but she paused when she saw most of the family there. I could tell she was apprehensive seeing them for the first time since her revelations yesterday.

I walked forward holding her hand. "What would you like to eat love?"

Everyone took their cue from me and treated Bella normally and she had a quiet lunch, talking about mundane things. Slowly she relaxed and was more open.

When lunch was done, I asked her if she wanted to go back to my room for a while and maybe play some cards. She smiled and nodded. Jasper stopped us as we were leaving and asked if he could come with for a few minutes. Bella looked at me and then nodded.

We got to my room and I sat on the couch, in my sitting room, pulling Bella onto my lap. I said, "Love, Jasper wants to talk to you about something for a minute. Will you listen to him?"

Bella turned and looked at me, searching my face for something. When she was done she took a deep breath and looked at Jasper. "What can I help you with?"

Jasper sat at the end of the couch and faced us. "Well, Bella, I'm actually wondering if I can help you. I don't know if you know it, but through the years I've racked up a few psychology degrees. With everything you told us last night, and from what I've seen of you before then, I think it would help you to talk about a few things."

Bella started trembling. I pulled her closer to me saying, "Love, it's ok. You don't need to panic. No one's gonna hurt you. I promise. Think of Jasper as just a friend that you can talk too. This can be very informal, heck you can chat with him outside on a walk, or at the mall every now and then if you want, but, love, I think you need to talk to someone. Please."

Bella was still shaking. "Have I done something wrong?"

Jasper spoke. "No, darlin', you've done nothing wrong. You just have a lot bottled up in you. That ain't good. You need to get some of that out. I would just be the person you would get it out to. I'm not gonna lie, you may not like me all the time, but I promise I won't push you harder than necessary."

Bella looked at me. "Will you be there?"

My fists clenched around her waist. "No, love, this will be just you and Jasper."

Jasper broke in, "no one else will be around. It's important you can talk to me in private, I won't tell anyone anything we talk about; I'll try to not think about it when we aren't together. Edward will kick me if I do, so I stop. Bella, this is important. There'll be times you will hate me and be mad; you need someone to go to and scream. There may even be things you want to talk about that you don't want Edward to know about. Does that make sense?"

Bella slowly nodded while chewing on her lip. "Can't you just make me happy all the time?"

Jasper chuckled. "Sugar, if I could I would, but it would only make it worse. All it would do is put a band-aid on the issue and anytime I wasn't around, forcing you to feel good, you would crash hard. No, you need real joy and only you can achieve that."

Bella took a deep breath thinking through it all. I wanted so badly for her to accept and get better, inside and out, but I couldn't make her. Finally she spoke, "How often do you think we need to talk?"

Jasper answered, "Honestly, right now I'd like to talk to you daily. I'm thinking somewhere between thirty and ninety minutes. It'll all depend on what we talk about, but about an hour each time. Eventually it will be less, but it's a place to start. With all of us out of school right now, it shouldn't be a big issue."

Bella, who had been playing with my fingers, looked up at Jasper whispering, "You're going to make me talk about it all, aren't you."

Jasper didn't pull a punch. "Yes, I will, but we won't start there. I think there are other things that need addressing before we get into that, but yes, in time we will do a lot of talking about it all."

Bella looked down and in a very tiny voice asked, "Do you think I'm bad?"

I growled, wishing I could punch every one of the animals.

Jasper glanced at me and back at Bella. "No, I do not think you are bad. I think bad people did bad things to you, but none of it was because of you, or your fault."

Bella sat for many moments not speaking. I wished, yet again, that I could read her thoughts. I couldn't stand the quiet any longer. "Talk to me love, what are you thinking?"

Bella responded, "When I woke up people tried to get me to talk to the psychologists, they were . . . difficult." She looked up at Jasper. "I don't want to go on a lot of drugs. I refuse too."

Jasper glanced at me, letting me know he would get a hold of any psych records Bella had and see what she was talking about. "For now I don't want to do anything to your drugs. If, in the future, I feel something else would help you, we'll both will sit down with Carlisle and make the decision. You're obviously able to understand what drugs you're on, and I have no problem including you in any decisions."

Bella nodded and some of the tension left her body. She spoke. "Ok, I'll try it. But I won't make any promises."

Jasper smiled. "That's all I ask, darling'." He got up. "Alright then, I'll leave you two alone. Behave." He laughed as he walked away.

Bella turned and snuggled deeper into me and I held her tightly. "I'm so proud of you. It's obvious you don't want to talk to Jasper, but I really think it'll help you." I kissed the top of my angel's head. "I love you."

She held me tighter. "I love you."

* * *

So was that better than the last two chapters? Not a lot of angst.

My beta heard news about her dad's health. If you are a praying person please pray for her father.

Thank you to Nissa and Ronnie for going over my chapter. It needed help!

This weeks rec. Hide and Drink by Savage7289.


	34. What's Next?

**Chapter 34 – What's Next?**

Once Jasper had left, Bella and I had a wonderful afternoon playing cards. I was slowly seeing the girl I had come to love coming back to me. She was smiling more freely and no longer needed to cling to me as she had been. I was happy we had talked about being mated and realized that Bella had been much more aware of her emotions than I had been. No wonder she ran and withdrew after homecoming. She had been coming to terms with her love of me. Being aware of her feelings must have had a lot to do with why she was so open to being mated. All I knew was that being mated, and knowing my mate embraced it, made me feel lighter and almost giddy.

It was getting close to dinner and I could smell the garlic shrimp Esme had made for Bella. "Dinner's almost ready. Are you ready to go eat?"

She smirked. "That depends, what's for dinner?"

I smiled, with as much innocence as I could. "Liver and onions, with a broccoli, asparagus and brussel sprout side, and some carrot juice to drink." I knew everything I named was on Bella's "I will never eat that on pain of death" list.

She smiled up at me. "Really? Well I promise you this, if you make any of that pass my lips, I will never allow _any_ part of your body to touch my lips again." She reached up, pulling me down to brush our lips together. "And somehow, I know you would really hate that."

"Burnt," Emmett called out.

Bella had turned and sauntered away. I growled loudly. She shrieked and tried to run away, and I chased after her scooping her up and throwing her over my shoulder. Her laughter rang out and I couldn't help the smile it brought me. "Did you try to threaten me, woman?" I asked, trying to keep the laughter out of my voice.

Bella hung on my back trying to hit me into let her down, laughing the whole time. "I didn't . . . threaten . . . it . . . was a . . . promise," she barely managed to huff out.

Emmett, Jasper and Alice came bounding up the stairs. Alice and Jasper came after me. Jasper grabbed my legs and Alice went to tackle my shoulders. While they did that, Emmett came in and scooped Bella off my shoulder and took off running with her.

"No worry smelly belly, I gotcha, and won't let the big bad vampire come after you." Emmett sang out as he ran off with Bella, who was laughing so hard she was snorting.

Alice and Jasper kept me busy for a few more moments until I broke free and went chasing after my love. Emmett had her in the kitchen, sitting on a stool by the island, acting as a cage to keep me away. He was sticking his tongue out at me. I rolled my eyes at his childishness.

Emmett leaned into Bella. "Maybe you should give me a list of things you don't eat, little human, that way I can make sure, crabby pants doesn't pretend to make it for you."

"Whatever. Get away from my mate!" I shoved his arm away from Bella and sat down next to her.

She rolled her eyes, ignoring us as she ate, in obvious delight. "Esme, this is fantastic. I seriously don't understand how vampires, who don't eat human food, can make it taste so good."

Esme, who was cleaning up the kitchen, turned and spoke to Bella, "It's my pleasure. I love being able to cook."

Dinner continued with light banter between all of us. At times I could see a slight tension in Bella's shoulders and wrapped my hand around the back of her neck massaging gently. It seemed to help her, but left me wondering what was going on in that head of hers.

When Bella finished dinner Alice came bounding up to her and said, "Come on, let's go watch a movie."

Bella smiled. "I wish I could, but I need to get something done. Maybe tomorrow?"

Alice's smile faltered slightly. "Is everything ok?"

Bella forced a smile. "Yeah, it is."

I glanced at Jasper, who thought, s_he's anxious._

I stopped myself from groaning. The way Bella was worrying her lip made it obvious something was upsetting her. I needed to know why she was. I took a deep breath before speaking. "What do you need to do?"

Bella looked at me, and then glanced at the rest of my family. "I need to pack to go home," she whispered.

My heart plummeted. The thoughts of my family were shocked. I grabbed Bella's hand. "Let's go upstairs and talk, love."

She nodded and allowed me to lead her upstairs.

When we got to my room, I turned and looked at her. "Why are you leaving?" I asked.

She sighed. "It isn't right for me to stay here."

I was getting angry in my confusion. "I don't understand," I said, tugging my hair. "We talked today. We're mated. You said you understood and were ok with it. Why are you then leaving me?"

Bella sighed. "I'm not leaving you." I started to interrupt, and Bella held a hand up. "Please, let me finish. You explained to me today that we're mated. As I understand, that means you will never love another, right?"

"Yes," I said.

"The same for me."

I nodded. "As much as I can guess. I've never known any human to mate with a vampire, but I assume it would be the same for you."

She smiled. "At some point I'll be changed then."

"No!" I practically shouted. Bella's face was shocked, and then a mask fell across with no emotion showing. My family's thoughts intruded, all yelling at me and my insensitivity, Rose being the only one glad I was letting Bella know she wouldn't be changed.

I took a deep breath. "It isn't that I don't want to spend eternity with you. Bella," I said, brushing her hair back as she flinched at my touch, "I want to, more than you know. I can't let you be turned though."

Bella's mask fell slightly. "Why?"

"I know you don't agree, but I'm a monster. I don't even know if I have a soul. I do know I'm not natural. Humans are meant to live a full life, die, and in your case go to heaven. I refuse to deny you that, simply so you can stay with me. I want, I need you to stay human, so I know, someday you'll be in heaven."

Bella turned from me, dropping my hand out of hers, and hugged her arms to herself. She slowly walked to my balcony and looked out. I walked up behind her. "Talk to me," I pleaded.

She continued to stare out. "I don't know what to say. I appreciate what you said. If I had to worry over your soul, I might think the same thing. I just don't believe what you believe. I don't think you're soulless. I can't say I'm a theologian or that I've made a study of vampires and the Bible, but nothing you've shown me makes me think you're soulless."

I took a deep breath. "Can you prove I have a soul?"

Bella turned and looked at me. "Can you prove I do?"

My teeth clenched. I was getting aggravated. "Of course you have a soul," I spat out. "You're human. You've never died. Your heart still beats. You've never killed anyone, nor do you hunger for the blood of humans, the very creatures that have souls." I turned from her in despair.

She touched my back, then drew her arms around my waist and leaned into me. I let her warmth surround me, and I lightly leaned into her embrace.

After a time Bella whispered, "Normally I would agree with much of what you said. You aren't human. You have died. Yet, you are still living. You understand right from wrong. You have the ability to care and love deeply. All those things mean you have a soul. Can you honestly look at the love and compassion that Carlisle has and believe he is a soulless monster? I can't.

"I also know that you have immense guilt for past deeds. Which, again, points to a soul. Is it right that you crave human blood and fight daily to not kill? It may not be right, but that desire, in and of itself, doesn't make you soulless. There are humans, who we know have souls, who crave more depraved things. Yes, my love, you have killed. From what you have explained, you have killed many. Unfortunately, many humans have killed in their lives, but that doesn't mean they are soulless. It means they need forgiveness, which is there for you, if you will only reach out and accept it."

Bella continued to hold me tightly and I thought on what she had said. I didn't agree with her, but I had to admit I didn't disagree either, at least not as vehemently. It didn't mean I would take the chance and let her be turned.

I no longer wanted to think on the what ifs, so I turned in her arms and put mine around her. She laid her head against my cold chest and I placed my cheek on her head. Finally, I spoke, "why are you leaving?"

Bella took a deep breath and looked up at me. "Cause it's the right thing to do. I know you explained to me mating, I agree and embrace we are now mates for life." She smiled at me. "But knowing I'm mated doesn't change who I am and what I believe. We aren't married, so then . . ." Bella paused and looked at me in confusion. "Do vampires marry?"

I chuckled. "It depends on the pair. Most don't. They want nothing to do with humans and human customs. Some do, if they meet as mates when they are very young and haven't shunned all human traditions. All of the Cullens have married."

Bella nodded her head still against my chest. "I'm sorry. I know it is terribly old fashioned, but I can't live with, sleep with, someone I'm not married to. It isn't that I don't want to stay and be with you; it just isn't right for me. Please don't hate me."

I smiled and held her tighter. "It isn't silly at all. Honestly, I don't know that I could consummate a relationship with someone I wasn't married to as well. Since I don't sleep, and I know I would not touch you in any way that would be inappropriate, I didn't think it would be a problem to just hold you at night, but I understand your reluctance." I pulled slightly back and tipped her chin with my thumb so she would look at me. "Thank you," I said. "Thank you, for telling me your thoughts and not hiding them from me." I leaned down and kissed her gently.

She gave me a soft smile. "I was worried you'd be upset. Being in your arms, being held by you, is my favorite place to be. Everything is so new right now. Maybe I'll change my mind, but for now I think it would be best if I was at home at night."

I kissed her forehead. "Am I allowed to be in your house at night?"

Bella blushed and looked down. "Yeah," she whispered. "You can be anywhere you want to be, I guess. Just not in my bed. Are you sure you're not mad?"

I shook my head. "Not in the slightest. I promise. You told me what you need from me; I could never be mad at that. Plus, you aren't making me stay away from you. You're letting me still see you, which honestly is something I need. If something changes, if you aren't comfortable with me in your room, or you would be comfortable with me in your bed, let me know."

Bella sighed and bit her lip.

"Talk to me, love. What are you thinking right now?" I asked.

"It's so hard. Part of me, the part that knows you're my mate and would never hurt me, craves you and wants you in bed holding me at night, keeping the nightmares at bay. The other part, my human side, is scared and not ready yet."

"Don't worry," I said. "I know a lot has been thrown at you, and it will take a while to catch up. There's no rush. We have lots of time." I kissed the top of her head. "Now let's get you packed up so we can go."

As we packed up Bella's things, I started tuning into my family again. While I had been talking to Bella, I did my best to ignore them. Now without the distraction I could hear their thoughts.

Emmett was thinking, _Damn, I really don't want Bella to leave. She's so much fun to have around. I can't believe Edward the prude is mated to a human with the same values. Those two will never have sex at this rate. _

Rose approved. _At least Edward isn't going to turn Bella. She doesn't deserve this life. _

Jasper's thoughts made me smile. _Edward's doing an amazing job with Bella. He's letting her lead and showing her perfect support in her decisions, while letting her know he would be happy with more if she wants. That takes the pressure off both of them, though it should be interesting to see his sexual restraint being in the same room with her night after night._

Alice was mad. _Damn it. I want Bella for a sister, and I know there is no way he's going to turn her. Stupid vampire brother. Then Bella, what is she thinking! She's leaving, grrrr. I need to talk to her about looking into her future again, so I can see such decisions and circumvent them. _

Esme was humming contentedly, with sporadic thoughts. _Those two are perfect for each other. I'm so happy for Edward, and for Bella. This will all work out, I know it._

Carlisle was proud. _I'm happy for Edward that Bella seemed to embrace being mated so easily. I know he can help heal her, and she's shown that she already is healing him. I doubt she will be sleeping alone for long. I better talk to Emmett and make sure he knows to not tease Edward; he certainly won't need the aggravation._

Once Bella was packed we walked slowly downstairs. She was surprised when we got there to see my siblings waiting at the door.

Alice bounced up and down. "Don't look shocked. We're coming with! You can't get rid of us that fast!"

Bella's eyes widened and she pressed into me.

Jasper spoke quickly. "No fear, Bella. We're all leaving later tonight. We aren't moving in with you or anything. Alice wanted to spend some extra time with you, and we all thought it was a fine idea."

Bella smiled sheepishly. "Thanks."

I laughed and pulled her outside, knowing what my sister had planned for her. I put her in my car, which Rose had collected for me, and drove to Bella's house. On the way, we talked of nothing important.

We got to Bella's house, and as we were walking in the door, she noticed Alice was carrying a large duffle bag and Rose had a suitcase. "What are the bags for?" She inquired.

Alice laughed. "Well, when you were out of it, I didn't know what kind of clothes you would need. So I did some shopping for you. Since you decided to come back to your house, I'm bringing it all here. It's not like it fits any of us."

Bella was shocked. "All of that is filled with clothes you bought me?"

Alice nodded.

Bella glared. "Pixie, you are deadly with a charge card."

Rose commented, "You really have no idea. Let's go upstairs and put this all away."

Bella sighed and walked up stairs mumbling the whole way about super rich pixies that over indulged in clothes.

All three of us men downstairs were laughing about the antics of our women when we heard Bella let out a blood curdling scream. My brothers and I were up the stairs and in Bella's room in an instant. I had grabbed her and pushed her behind me, the whole time looking for the threat. I saw nothing, and from the thoughts of my siblings, they didn't either.

Not moving Bella from behind me, I asked, still in full attack mode. "What's the matter, love? What happened?"

"That," Bella said, pointing to the corner where there was nothing.

I looked as did everyone else trying to determine where and what the threat was. Finally I looked and asked Bella, "Are you talking about the spider?"

She rolled her eyes and spoke letting me know she thought it was a stupid question. "Of course I'm talking about the spider. What else would I be talking about?"

It was obvious that Bella was completely serious, but my entire family was completely flabbergasted and Emmett started laughing so hard he had to hold his sides.

Bella got mad and yelled. "It's not funny! It breaks the appendage rule!"

_Appendage rule?_ I and my siblings thought.

Rose spoke for us all. "What, pray tell, is the appendage rule?"

Bella looked at each of us in consternation and huffed. "The appendage rule: nothing with more than four appendages gets anywhere near me."

"Four appendages?" Jasper said completely flummoxed.

Bella was getting frustrated and stomped her foot. "Yes, four appendages. I will deal with anything with four or few appendages. That," she said pointing to the corner where the spider was, "not only has more than four appendages, it doubles the maximum allowed under the rule!"

I tried, I really did, but I could no longer hold it in. I burst out laughing. I felt bad, because I knew Bella was serious and really didn't want the spider anywhere near her, but her serious face, in relation to a rule about appendages, was too funny. I had to let it out. All of my family was laughing and Bella just kept getting madder and madder.

"I'm sorry . . . love. It's just . . . a rule about . . . appendages. You're scared . . . of a little . . . spider when . . . you're in a room . . . full of vampires!" I barely got out.

I finally calmed down enough and pulled a very unhappy Bella to me and kissed her head. "Listen, I promise to go kill the big bad appendage breaking spider. Ok?"

"No!" Bella shouted.

I stopped and looked at her confused. "You don't want me to kill it?"

"No, I don't want you to kill it! Just . . . take it outside somewhere or something. As long as it isn't in my house I don't care where it is. You don't need to kill it!"

I just shook my head. I loved Bella, but admitted to myself, I would never understand her and how her mind worked.

After taking the spider outside, I went through the rest of her house looking for bugs that would cause her grief. My brothers spent the entire time laughing about the whole situation, and honestly I did too, but managed to do so quietly.

Upstairs Alice was unpacking everything she'd bought Bella and explaining what each how she expected each item to be worn. I didn't have to be in the room to know Bella was trying to be patient while listening to advice she neither cared about, nor planned on learning.

Once all the clothes were put away my siblings left. Bella stayed up for a while, drinking tea, while we sat together in quiet. Everything just felt right then, like everything I had ever wanted in life was now achieved. I had Bella in my arms and life was good.

* * *

SORRY! I am soooooo sorry. I know I was suppose to post last week and it just didn't happen and then this week it is a super short chapter. Honestly it was either post a short chapter or wait another week or two. I also know there is a lot of fluff but there was a VERY important conversation. I hope that helped.

About the conversation. I love SM. I love Twilight. One of the things I HATED about the story was that Bella was changed against Edward's will. He still thought she was losing her soul and was almost cornered into the change by Bella. I don't want my story to be like that. I want Edward to either embrace her change and want it like she does, or for Bella to accept that she will remain human. At the end of the story I want them both on the same page regarding her change or lack there of.

Since the stumbling block for Edward is the soul issue there will be some talk of religion but not a lot. I am not trying to convert anyone. So not my goal. I will try very hard to keep discussions vague or gloss over them and not get into theology. After all I'm not a theologian myself! If you have questions, PM me. I love talking to people!

Nissa, thanks for the pre-read and the honest thoughts. I love you for it! Ronnie, I so get being busy, so thanks for editing for me!

If I didn't lose all my readers I would love to hear from you! I know you're mad at Edward right now, maybe Bella too, but these are things they need to work through, I promise there will be lemons, eventually! Bella just isn't ready to spend the night with Edward in bed . . . yet. Edward needs to get his head outta his butt about issues too. I promise it will happen, but it can't happen all at once!

Lastly - poor Jasper! Ladies! WOW have I been given the messages to pass on to him. I didn't know I had so many readers with mental issues that needed to lay on Jasper's couch to get them out! The poor boy has gotten so many requests for "private therapy sessions", that Alice has stepped in and said no. Sorry ladies, you must get your therapy elsewhere, the pixie isn't sharing!


	35. Chapter 34 continued

**Chapter 34 continued **

It was late, or early, depending on how you looked at it. Bella had been "sleeping" for two hours now. She'd already had two nightmares, though they weren't bad enough to wake her. I had been at her side as soon as her heart rate started going up, caressing her cheek, telling her softly that she wasn't alone and that I loved her. Both times she had fallen back into slumber without waking, but I knew it was only time before she had a nightmare that I couldn't help her sleep through.

I was sitting on the rocking chair, watching her sleep, when I heard Jasper coming. I was anxious to talk to him. I knew he wouldn't harm her emotionally in her first therapy session tomorrow, but I wanted to make sure he'd hunted, and I wanted to check in with him. I also was wondering if he'd done research on the therapists Bella had seen before. Something wasn't sitting right with what was in her files.

_Edward, how do you want to do this? Do you want to come out here? Do you want me to stay here while you're there? Is it ok if I come up?_ Jasper thought.

I smiled. Jasper was cautious about certain things. He knew just unexpectedly vaulting into my mate's bedroom, while she was sleeping, could cause a fight, out of pure instinct. "Come up," I whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

Jasper entered through Bella's partially open window. He turned and crouched down next to me. _Why is her window open? It's December, won't she get cold?_

I chuckled. "According to my mate, and I quote 'where I come from, it's colder than witch's tits in a brass bra and I still always slept with the window cracked open. Nothing with the temps out here will cause me to have problems'. She says she loves the fresh air, and that nothing is better than burrowing under covers to keep warm." I shrugged. It was true that temperatures here in Seattle weren't as cold as they would get in Minnesota, but I still thought it was weird for a human to have a window cracked open in December.

Jasper gave me a weird look but decided it wasn't worth the comment. Instead, he let me know what he had come here to talk about. _Send me a quick text when Bella's eating breakfast. I'll come when she's done. That way she doesn't have to spend the day worrying about when I'll come and what will happen. The first few times we talk, I'm going to keep things pretty light. I've looked at her past therapy and understand why she's more than hesitant to want to talk to someone. _

I looked at him and cocked my eyebrow in question.

Jasper sighed and ran his hand along his jaw, something he only did when he was extremely agitated. _Listen, just keep calm. She wasn't assaulted or physically abused in any way in therapy, but she did have some highly questionable doctors and things done. She was medicated to the point where she was almost put back in a catatonic state, or she was put on meds that interacted and caused hallucinations and other issues. She fought taking the drugs and eventually the idiots restrained her and forced medication into her. _

"Why didn't she leave? She was an adult, so she should have been able to leave."

Jasper sighed. _Since she was catatonic for three months and had received such bad physical wounds, she wasn't able to just get up and walk out. She needed physical therapy, and the rest was forced on her since she was already there. _

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Is that it, or is there more?"

Jasper turned away from me. _She had three psychiatrists while she was there. The first was the one that had her over medicated and restrained. I don't know what caused it, but an injunction was placed by the District Attorney, Jenks. The next one assumed the best way to get through to her was to tell her all the things she did wrong, so she didn't find herself in such situations again. Basically, to Bella's way of thinking I'm sure, he told her all the things she did to cause everything that happened, so she further blamed herself. _

Jasper stopped and didn't continue. His thoughts were on nothing in particular, though the agitation coming off of him let me know whatever else he has to share wasn't going to be good. "Spit it out Jasper. Just tell me before I go insane with the possibilities."

_Promise to listen to everything I have to say. We're already working on taking the bastard out. Keep calm and don't wake Bella. She doesn't need to be awoken by an angry vampire._

"Just tell me, Jasper!" I ground out through clenched teeth.

_The last guy got off on Bella stories. He made her talk about it over and over, and from her files it's obvious he got sexual gratification from listening. There's no indication that he ever touched her or did anything physically inappropriate. Bella finally had enough and did check herself out of the hospital way before she physically should have. She continued outpatient physical therapy, but never again saw a psychiatrist. The drugs she's on now, she gets from a family physician she's seen since she was born. _

I slumped over and held my head in my hands. Why did it seem my love could never catch a break? "You said you were doing something?"

_Rose is getting everything together to give me an active psychiatry license. I'll make a formal request for records from this idiot. I'll try to keep Bella out of it. I'm sure he's done this with other patients. If we can find others, we'll bring him down, never mentioning Bella. I want to keep her out of all of it, otherwise she'll be called to testify, and I want to avoid that. The problem is once this gets out; it'll be out of my hands. When I get the records I need, I'll call Jenks myself. From what I've read he has a soft spot for Bella. I'm hoping we can keep her out of the whole thing and not even let her know it's going on. _

I sighed. It was the best we could do. As much as I wanted to kill this guy, Jasper was handling it the way it should be. As long as Bella wasn't harmed or asked to relive anything, I would let my family deal with it. I knew they cared for Bella and only wanted the best for her too. "Keep me posted on what's going on."

_I will, bro; you know I will. How's she doing?_

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "She's doing ok. As the night wore on she started closing in on herself again, and she didn't eat much for dinner. She's had a few light nightmares tonight. Now that you told me what you have, I can better understand. She's definitely scared about talking to you tomorrow."

Jasper patted my arm and stood up. _It'll be ok. I promise. I'm going to go hunt now. I'll see you in a few hours._

After Jasper left, I sat watching my angel, thinking about her past and our future. I was interrupted in my thoughts as Bella started having another nightmare. I went to her side and tried calming her down but this time the nightmare won. She thrashed around, begging to be released and crying out to not have to take anymore medication. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hold her arms down so she didn't hurt herself, but I didn't think restraining her while having a nightmare about being restrained was a good idea.

Finally, Bella woke screaming, and I held her in my arms until she calmed down and could breath normally again. I slowly rocked her back and forth in my arms and hummed quietly, until she slid off to sleep again. I didn't want to let her go but one of the only things she'd asked of me was to not be in her bed while she slept. I gently laid her back down and went to the chair I had been in and continued watching her.

When morning came, I slipped downstairs to start some tea for Bella. I had it ready and was walking back into her room when her eyes fluttered open. I handed her the mug and went to sit back in the rocking chair.

Bella stopped me. "Edward, will you come sit by me?" she whispered looking nervous.

I gave her a smile. "Of course." I sat myself on top of her blankets and pulled her into me. As much as I wanted to crawl inside with her, I didn't know if she was ready for that, and I knew I was cold from having sat in her chilly room all night.

Bella rested her head on my shoulder and sipped her tea. "What do you think Jasper will make me do today?"

"He won't _make_ you do anything. He's just here for you to talk to. He'll listen and give you ideas on ways to deal with your past. He won't harm you." I snorted to try and make light of the situation. "If Jasper did anything mean, Emmett would tie him to the ceiling and make a piñata out of him. And you know, Rose and Esme would join in batting him."

I hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head. "What are you scared of? What do you think Jasper will do?"

"I don't know. I know he won't try to hurt me. I just don't know what to expect," she said.

"It'll be ok, and I promise I'll be here as soon as he's done. What do you want for breakfast?"

Bella snuggled in closer to me for a moment. "Maybe just some toast. My stomach is tied in knots; I don't think I can eat much."

"Ok, you get dressed, and I will make you some toast."

She nodded and snuck out of bed quickly. I'm sure it had to be cold. I closed her window before going downstairs. I sent Jasper a quick text letting him know I was making Bella some toast right now, so he could come over anytime.

Bella came downstairs dressed in baggy jeans and an oversized worn out sweatshirt. I smirked at her. "I see you've been paying attention to Alice's clothing tips."

She did a fake pirouette. "What you don't think this outfit is pixie approved?"

I shook my head and handed her a plate with toast on it. "I think it's perfect, love."

She blushed. "When do you think Jasper will be coming today?" I could hear the trepidation in her voice.

I started to answer when she heard a motorcycle coming up her street and pull into her driveway. I went over and held her. "It'll be ok, Bella. I promise."

Jasper knocked on the door, and I pulled away from Bella to unlock and open it. He gave me a quick look, letting me know he could feel the tension emanating from Bella. He walked into the kitchen, where Bella hadn't moved at all. "Hey, Bella. Edward made you toast? Seriously, your first night back at home and he couldn't make you anything more spectacular?"

She cringed. "I wasn't hungry."

Jasper thought through ways to calm Bella down and decided the only thing he could do was just get on with it and show her she had nothing to fear. "Listen, let's just get this talking outta the way, and you can spend the rest of your day in peace? I promise I have nothing scary or too intrusive planned. We're gonna ease into this."

Bella looked at me, her eyes pleading for me to stay. It killed me to leave, but I knew it was best for her. She truly had nothing to fear; she needed to learn that. I walked up to her and kissed her gently. "I promise I'll be back soon. If you need me, I'm a call away."

She leaned into me for a few moments, then pulled away and squared her shoulders. "Thanks. I'm sure it'll be fine." As I watched I saw Bella get her game face on and the light seep slowly from her eyes. I fisted my hands and walked out hating every step I was taking away from her.

I ran back home and quickly changed clothes and then sat in my room, counting the seconds until Jasper let me know I could go back to my angel. My family kept trying to get my attention and get me to talk to them, but I ignored them all. I knew Bella was safe with Jasper, but I also knew she was terrified. It was more difficult than I imagined, knowingly being away from my mate when she was scared.

One hour and thirteen minutes after I'd left Bella, I heard Jasper coming back to our house. I was confused as to why he hadn't called me so I could be there for Bella as soon as he left. I ran downstairs and met Jasper in the driveway. I was ready to punch him for not calling, and he knew it.

"Calm down, Edward. She's fine. I left her a little homework assignment that I wanted her to work on in quiet. If you leave now she'll probably be done."

I growled, but took off running to her house. When I got there I could hear her steady heart beat and the scratching of a pen on paper. I walked in her front door, and she looked up at me and smiled. "Just a minute, I have to finish something."

I stood, letting her do whatever it was she was doing, and I drank her in. She looked infinitely more calm than when I left, and there was even a slight smile on her lips as she wrote. It was wonderful to see her looking so well. I knew Jasper wouldn't harm her but it still was relieving to see the evidence.

She finished writing in a journal that Jasper must have given her and looked at me with a light in her eyes. She looked nothing like how I'd left her. I smiled. "I assume this means things went well this morning?"

She nodded. "Yeah, Jasper's taking things slowly. I knew he would, or I hoped he would, but we talked and it was easy. Nothing like I'd dealt with before. I hope he continues like this. I know at some point we'll have to talk about bad things, but right now he has me talking about good things." She indicated her journal. "He thinks I'm spending all my time thinking of the last few days of my parent's life so he wants me to write something every day about them from my memories that have nothing to do with that time. I hadn't thought about it that way, but he's right; I never think about any of the good times we had."

I came up to her and pulled her onto my lap. "I think that's a great idea. Will you share with me?"

Bella nodded excitedly and told me about the memory she'd put down in her journal. She explained to me about a time when her dad had taken her fishing when she was eight. I'd never seen Bella so animated. I could picture her screaming when the bucket of worms fell over, and thinking fish were slimy and that only a boy could ever learn to love fishing. The best part was learning about her dad and seeing her talk about her past with a wistful smile on her face.

I was happy for her. I knew, as she did, it wouldn't always be this easy, but for now holding a smiling, relaxed, angel in my arms was heaven on earth.

* * *

Summer is kicking my patookie! I know this was a horribly short chapter. In fact it should have been part of chapter 34, hence I said it was a continuation of. I was chatting with the ladies on Twilighted and they said that they would prefer short chapters every other week than to wait a month for a long chapter.

If you're interested I have a One Shot that I posted. It contains my first lemon. Yickes! Check it out if you want. I may have written a canon Tanya that you can feel bad for!

Thank you Ronnie and Nissa for going over my chapter.


	36. Balancing Relationships

Are you shocked? Yes, I'm posting a chapter. I know it has been forever. I am hoping to post every other Tuesday as normal going forward. I think my RL has settled enough. Thanks to those of you still with me! If you need a recap, Bella had just told her story of what happened, I doubt you forgot the details of _that_. She's now back home and Edward stays with her at night, but not in her bed. She's in therapy with Jasper everyday to work through things. Paul's trail is looming in about a month and a half, he was the instigator of the gang rape Bella suffered through.

**Chapter 36 – Balancing Relationships **

"Edward Anthony Cullen!" I looked up, startled from my thoughts. Bella was at her house talking to Jasper right now. Her sessions had been going on for a week. So far, every time I'd gotten back to her house she'd been in a cheerful mood, but I knew it couldn't last. True to his word, Jasper was easing her into therapy. At some point, he was going to have to start pushing, and knowing Bella, she was going to push back. So every day I waited to return to my love, wondering if this would be the day I would see a haunted expression in her face.

Alice was standing over me with her hands on her hips. I looked past her and saw Rose and Emmett coming into my room behind her. All looked mad. A quick search of their thoughts made me groan.

I looked at Alice. "What can I do for you?" I don't know why I thought pleading ignorance would help me, but I tried anyway.

"Don't start Edward! She's part of our coven, our family; you can't keep her from us."

I groaned. "I'm not keeping you from her."

Emmett snorted. I saw Esme and Carlisle filter in the room as well, drawn from Alice's voice. I laid my head back against my couch wishing I was anywhere but here right now, wishing I was with Bella.

Alice continued. "Of course you're keeping her from us. She left over a week ago, and none of us have seen her since! Every time one of us decides to visit, as soon as you catch a scent of us, you take off with her somewhere so we can't see her."

I closed my eyes, hoping if I ignored them that they would all go away. I knew it was a faint hope, but I tried anyway.

Finally, Carlisle spoke up. "Talk to us son. What's going on?"

I sighed. "Nothing. I just want to spend time with Bella. I don't want to be apart from her. I don't really want to share her. I know she wants to visit, but if I bring her here you all are going to have her so busy with things I won't see her. Yes, it's selfish, but she's my mate."

Rose spoke up. "You really are a selfish prick. Bella isn't your pet that you get to keep for yourself. She's part of our family. Emmett is depressed because he hasn't seen his little sister in ages. I'm sick of his whining."

I growled out, sick of being ganged up on. "Yes, Rose, because you shared Emmett with the rest of the family so much when you were first mated. There were whole weeks I didn't see him and we lived in the same house!"

Rose came closer to me. "That's not the same at all. We were mated and strengthening our bond. It isn't like you and Bella are having sex to strengthen yours. Anything you're doing with her, we can too. Admit it. You just don't want to share."

I stood up so Rose and I were toe to toe, and I practically yelled. "There's more to bonding with your mate than sex, and you know it. I've been on the outside of three mated couples for decades. None of you ask or cared if I wanted to spend time with any of you when you were bonding or spending time together. Now that I have a mate, you think you should get to dictate when you spend time with her?"

Rose screeched. "It isn't all about you!"

I responded. "It isn't all about you, either."

Carlisle stepped between us and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Ok, calm down. Let's work through this."

I turned and walked across the room. I just needed space.

Alice spoke. "We don't want to take her away from you, Edward, but she's our family too. We want to see her. I miss her."

I sighed in defeat. I knew she was right. It wasn't fair of me to keep Bella from her friends, but I needed her. I needed to be with her. I knew my family. Soon Bella would be spending more time with them than me, and I didn't think I could handle it.

Esme came and stood by me. "Talk to us Edward. You always keep everything so bottled up inside. There has to be something we can all do to make this work."

"I don't know. I know it may not seem like it, but I don't want to keep Bella from everyone." Rose snorted, but I ignored her and continued. "I just need to be with her. Even before I understood I was mated to her, I always felt pulled to her. Now that I know, it almost hurts when I'm not with her. When I have to be away while she's in therapy, all I can think about is getting back to her, touching her and grounding myself just being in her presence. If we come here, I know everyone will want to spend time with her and pull her away from me."

Rose spat out, "Say it, Edward. You don't want to share. That's what it comes down to."

Carlisle quickly spoke, "It isn't being selfish; it's the way all mates are. Incredibly possessive and clingy while their bond forms. That bond can take years to be established. My concern though, is that Bella is still human and going through an incredibly difficult time that a family could be pivotal in helping her through."

Emmett spoke, "Yeah, Eddie, we don't want to take her from you, but we all connected with her and miss her. We know things for her are going crappy and want to let her know we care."

I took a deep breath. "I know. It's just . . . think back to right before Bella left for Riley's trial. She would come here and spend more time with everyone every day. There were some days she came here that I only saw her when we passed in the halls, or I sat in the back of the room watching her with one of you. I don't want that to happen again."

Esme gave me a hug. "You're right, Edward, that won't work. She is your mate and you both need each other. There has to be a way to work around this. It doesn't seem like it should be that difficult. Even if she came over for a movie night, we could all see her but you two could still be together."

Alice chimed in, "You do know that Christmas is two days away. We could have her here for presents and dinner."

I nodded. That could work. I hadn't really given a thought to it being Christmas. Normally we didn't do anything special for the holiday as a family. I knew Carlisle went to church on his own, but otherwise none of us acknowledge it. Bella though, I'm sure would be one to celebrate, but she hadn't even mentioned the holiday coming. I would talk to her and see what she wanted to do.

My phone vibrated, letting me know that Jasper was leaving Bella's. "I will talk to her and get back to all of you with a plan."

Esme kissed my cheek. "Just remember, we all love you both, and want what's best for each of you." I hugged her and turned to leave.

Alice stopped me. "Can I try and find something for all of us to do tonight? I promise to keep it light." I nodded and left.

When I got to Bella's, Jasper had already left. She was curled up on the couch, looking at the wall not really seeing it. I sat down next to her and she uncurled herself only to then curl up with me. I was slightly worried. Normally when I came back after a therapy session, Bella was happy and sat with me holding my hand or lightly touching in some way. We hadn't cuddled close like this in the week since she'd moved back to her house.

I pulled her closer to me and rested my cheek on her head before speaking. "Are you ok?"

Bella nodded her head.

I pressed her a bit. "Did something happen in therapy?"

"No, not exactly. I just miss my parents. I mean, up until now I've been focused on all the good things I remember and pushing everything else aside." She turned and looked up at me. "Did you know Christmas is two days away? I didn't, until Jasper said something. Christmas used to be so much fun, so many traditions. Now, now I just want to forget the Holiday. It hurts too much to think about. I just want to pretend it's just another day. Can we do that, Edward? Can we just make it another day?"

I leaned down and brushed my lips against her forehead. "Anything, my love. If you want a normal day, then that's what we'll do."

She gave a soft smile and cuddled back down against my chest. I held her to me, content to be this close to her. I had told her that any touch we'd participated in before was open to do again, but I'd instigated most of those touches, I was trying to go back to the beginning and not touch Bella in any way that she hadn't touch me since we'd talked about how touch affected our relationship. She was timid to touch me and I was trying to be patient and content with the hand holding, but I missed feeling her body against mine like this.

Neither of us moved for more than an hour when Bella's stomach grumbled. "What do you want for lunch, my love?" I asked.

She burrowed deeper into my chest. "Nothing, I'm happy just like I am."

I smiled. "Well, I am no longer happy. You're hungry. So let's get you fed quickly, then we can come sit right back here."

As I was peeling an orange my phone rang. I answered, "Yes, Alice."

"I have the perfect idea! Ice Skating!" she shrieked.

I rolled my eyes. "Alice, you do know Bella has a hard time walking across a normal surface. Why would you want to put her on ice?" I glanced up and saw Bella looking at me with her eyebrows raised, questioning what the conversation was about. I sent her a sheepish smile.

"Well that's what you're there for! You will be able to hold on and make sure she doesn't hurt herself," Alice said.

I smiled thinking about the possibilities. "You're right. That's not a bad idea. What time are you thinking?"

"Seven. That way we won't start in the dark, but it will be dark soon afterwards. "

I nodded thinking through everything I would need. "Can you bring me gloves? Where are we going to go?"

"I already packed your gloves, and we'll go where we've gone before. Emmett said you could take his jeep. See you then," she replied.

I hung up and Bella gave me a pointed look while tapping her toe on the floor. "Bella has a hard time walking across a normal surface?" she said.

I gave her my most winning smile. "Love, I was only thinking of your safety. You have to admit that you trip more than the average human. Alice mentioned ice skating, and I was worried."

Bella gave me a look that told me she wasn't buying my line at all. "Edward, you are so full of it! I'm not that bad!"

I knew I wouldn't win by telling her that she truly was the most vertically challenged human I'd met, so I decided to move forward. "Do you want to go ice skating with my family tonight?"

Bella smirked. "I don't know. Do you think I'll survive?"

I walked over to Bella and lightly placed my arms around her waist. "I would never doubt it, most graceful mate of mine."

Bella lips twitched and she finally broke out laughing. "Whatever, Edward. I would love to go skating with your family."

That night we arrived to find my family already waiting for us. Alice ran to Bella's side of the car. "Bella!" She grabbed her and gave her a hug. "I've missed you so much. I'm glad Edward let you out of the house!"

Bella laughed as she hugged Alice back. "I've missed you too."

Emmett came over and picked up both Alice and Bella. "Iza-bizza! Gosh I've missed you sister. Tell Edward to let you out more!"

After Emmett put the girls down Bella turned. "Stop picking on Edward; he wasn't keeping me hostage."

Rose sauntered up and spoke. "Actually he was. We had to stage an intervention this morning and beg him to allow us to see you."

Bella turned and glared at me. "Edward Anthony Masen, have you been keeping me from your family?"

I looked up knowing I was about to get in big trouble. "Cullen, not Masen."

Bella looked confused. "Huh? I thought your name was Edward Masen."

"That was my human name. I'm using it right now because we can't all very well use the name Cullen, but I'm part of the Cullen coven and therefore a Cullen. That's how I see myself."

Bella nodded. "Oh, that makes sense. It doesn't explain why your family says you're keeping me from them!"

"I wasn't keeping you from them." Rose snorted, and I glared at her. "It isn't that I don't want you to see my family. I just know they will end up monopolizing you, and I want to see you too."

Bella's playful glare fell off her face. "I wouldn't let that happen." She grabbed my hand and pulled me in for a hug. I felt like an ass. I should have known that Bella would want to be with me as much I wanted to be with her. She was the only person I knew that could stand up to Alice and get her to change her pixie plans. Bella may be hurting, but she didn't need me placing her in a bubble.

Carlisle spoke. "So, Bella, I want to put your mind at ease. I alerted the nearest hospital that you would be skating and likely end up in a trauma ward by the end of the night. They're on alert."

Esme came up behind him and elbowed him in the ribs. "Carlisle, that was plain mean. You apologize to Bella right now." She grabbed Bella and gave her a hug. "Ignore him, my dear. I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Bella, I was only joking." Carlisle smiled.

Bella pretended to glare at him. "So where are we? It seems like the middle of nowhere."

Alice laughed. "It isn't the middle nowhere, but you can see it from here. This is just a pond far from any people. That way we can skate and not be interrupted. We can smell a human for miles here."

Bella blushed, and I kissed the top of her head. "No worries, my love, while you smell delicious, no one will hurt you."

Bella rolled her eyes. "I know that."

Alice brought out a pair of ice skates for Bella to put on. "Do you know how to skate?" she asked.

Bella shook her head. "No, I don't. I mean I skated once or twice when I was a little kid, but it's been years."

I quickly donned my skates and waited patiently while Bella put hers on. When she was done she stood up with a noticeable wobble to her stance. I quickly grabbed her arm to steady her. "Don't worry, I won't let you fall," I softly said.

She gave me a tremulous smile, and I guided her to the pond where my family was already skating and having fun. Carlisle and Esme were skating together like a perfect couple holding hands and talking. Alice was figure skating, twirling and jumping in the air. Rose was watching Jasper and Emmett who were playing some kind of game of tag that involved a lot of swearing and full body slams.

Bella looked up from her feet and saw what everyone was doing and her jaw dropped. "Do any of you struggle with anything? I know I'm not especially graceful, but being around you would be enough to give Michelle Kwan a complex!"

I chuckled. "You forget, we have years to practice and unlimited time, plus when we're turned our sense of balance and stamina increase exponentially. "

Bella snorted, and said under her breath, where I'm sure she didn't think I'd hear her, "stupid vampires." I could hear the humor in her voice and knew she wasn't upset.

We were on the edge of the ice, and I turned so I was facing her and brought both of my arms up. Bella grabbed each, and I slowly backed up so she was on the ice. "That's it. We'll go slowly until you get the hang of it." Bella and I spent the next half an hour together skating, her confidence growing along with her stability. I no longer was skating in front of her, but next to her.

"The moon is beautiful tonight," she said.

"Yes, it is." There was a full moon, so while it was night, there was still a lot of light for Bella to see where she was going and what was going on. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "But it's not as beautiful as you."

Bella blushed; I reveled in the scent. I no longer was tempted the same way by her blood. Oh, I craved it still, but I now loved the burn, knowing it meant Bella was alive and with me. It was as much a part of her as everything else, and I didn't think there was anything about her I could hate.

Alice skated over to us and smiled. She started talking to Bella, and I could see that they both missed each other. I felt like a cad for having kept Bella to myself. Alice was amazing; she always treated Bella like she was one of the family and like she had no issues. I think Alice gave Bella a sense of normalcy that had been missing for years. When Bella was with Alice, she relaxed in a way that she didn't with anyone else and seemed like a normal college girl without a worry in the world. Part of me wanted to be jealous, but I couldn't. Seeing my love smile so free was too beautiful. Plus, I knew she shared a side with me that no one else could ever really see.

A little while later Bella started shivering. "Are you cold?"

Esme heard and skated over. "I brought some hot chocolate. Let me go get it." She returned carrying a thermos. We stopped skating, and Bella drank with a smile on her face.

"Thank you, Esme. That was wonderful. You didn't have to bring me hot chocolate, but I admit it tasted awesome and warmed me up."

Esme reached over with a gloved hand and patted Bella cheek. "It is my pleasure."

Esme stayed and talked to Bella with Alice. I decided to give Bella some girl time and excused myself skating over to where Jasper and Emmett were now engaged in some kind of race that had obstacles and breaks for fighting. I waited for the next skirmish to break out and barreled in unexpectedly, taking them both out.

"So not fair dude," Emmett cried as he launched himself at me. I read his thoughts and dodged him easily. Jasper got into the fray, and we spent the next three quarters of an hour going after each other and basically acting like five year old boys. I made sure I was aware of Bella at all times, but she was talking to Esme and Alice, who I knew wouldn't let her fall, so I wasn't worried.

I heard Bella say that she was getting cold, and the girls started moving to the jeep. I turned and skated over to them. "Ready to leave, love?"

Bella cheeks were a rosy color, along with her nose. When she smiled, I swear I had never seen anything more adorable. "Yes, I think I'm ready to go somewhere warmer," she said.

I led her to the jeep and started taking her skates off. She snorted "I can do that myself, Edward. I'm not helpless."

I smirked at her. "Oh, I know you're not helpless, my dear, but I'll take any chance I can to touch you."

Bella smiled. "Your incorrigible!"

Alice came bounding up. "Do you want to go back to our house and watch a movie?"

Bella turned and looked at me. I could tell she wanted to but didn't want to say yes after I made and idiot of myself keeping her away from my family. I held Bella's eyes and I responded, "Sure, we'll come see a movie for a little bit, give Bella a chance to warm up before she goes to bed."

Bella's smile was all the assurance I needed. Alice bounced on her toes. "Perfect. I'll run home and get everything set up!"

Bella climbed in the jeep and I quickly took my skates off and drove back to my house. By the time we got there the rest of the family was already home. Once I helped Bella unbundle we went to the movie room where I sat on the couch. I was surprised and please when Bella decided to forgo the spot next to me and climbed into my lap instead. I leaned in and smelled her hair, fresh from being outdoors. "I love you," I whispered.

She turned and glanced at me. "I love you too."

It was Jasper's turn to pick a movie and he'd selected _Black Hawk Down_. Esme came in bringing Bella another hot chocolate and soup. Bella thanked her and dug in.

Halfway through the movie Bella excused herself to go to the bathroom and Carlisle came over and sat next to me. "Edward," he said. "I would like to talk to Bella, but I wanted to run it by you first. I know if you agree, Bella will be more likely too, and if you disagree, nothing will get Bella to do it. She's been eating well now for a few weeks and already she is putting on a little weight. I would like her to gain good muscle strength and make sure that physically she's in top form. Can she train with Emmett? He can set up a program for her, you can be there of course, but I think she'd benefit from it."

Emmett spoke up. "Honestly, I'd love to help Baby Bear. It would be nice to put some of the PT and OT degrees that I've gotten to use as well. It won't take much to turn a room here into a make shift gym."

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. "Yeah, that would be good for her. Do you want me to talk to her, Carlisle, or are you going to?"

Carlisle smiled. "I would like Bella to come by tomorrow or the next day, and let me give her a quick once over. I can already tell her heart rate and breathing is better, but I would like to get a blood pressure reading and a proper weight check on her. I can ask her then."

I nodded.

Alice chimed in. "Well, I'm planning a party for her in two days for Christmas. I don't want her to have a physical then. So do it tomorrow."

"No. No, party. Bella talked to me today and begged me to skip Christmas. It's just too painful right now," I said.

Alice turned to Jasper who kissed her on the nose. "Sorry, sunshine. Not this year. Bella's just not ready for all that. Next year, though, she should be fine."

Alice sighed. "Ok, I understand."

Bella came out of the bathroom and walked in the room. She appeared tired; when she looked at me I guessed it was time to go home. "Are you ready, love? It's getting kinda late. Maybe we can come back and visit tomorrow."

She gave a soft smile and nodded. We said our goodbyes and went back to Bella's house for her to sleep.

* * *

Again thanks for those of you still with me. I appreciate all the great ideas on special dates. I did do the ice skating as a family event but look for a real Edward and Bella date soon.

Extra points to those that recognized the _Thelma and Louise_ quote.

Thank you to Ronnie and Nissa for sticking with me and going through my chapter before I send it to you.

Thanks to all that review!


	37. Ignoring the Holidays

Sorry all, this is currently un-beta'd. I wanted to get the chapter out though. So, please ignore the mistakes and I will update with a cleaner chapter when I can :)

**Chapter 37 – Ignoring the Holidays**

"Why haven't you kissed me lately?" Bella asked.

I sat slightly stunned, not expecting the question. It was Christmas morning and Bella was curled up on her couch with me. She had been quiet and pensive all morning. I was letting her contemplate without interruption, knowing today was a difficult day for her.

I sighed before answering. "Trust me; it isn't that I don't want to. I just didn't know if I should. So far all of our kisses have been initiated by me. We talked about you starting to initiate things; I thought maybe if you started with something we'd done already it might help. Plus, I never want to be too forward."

Bella nodded and I could see her worrying her lip. I held my breath hoping she was getting the courage up to kiss me. I knew it was selfish, but I longed for the taste of her and my whole body was clenched in anticipation of her sweet lips. I was internally counting the seconds, hoping, dreaming; three hundred and twenty six seconds later she leaned in and brushed her lips against mine. I released the breath I had been holding. Bella didn't move back. She opened her eyes searching for something in mine. I was in heaven breathing in every breath she released.

Finally, she leaned in and kissed me again. This time it was more than a mere brush of her lips. Slowly we gained momentum. I allowed her to lead and just reveled in her taste, loving that she was taking control and I could feel her gaining confidence. I could sit for hours just kissing Bella, but finally she needed to take a breath. She pulled back and I pressed my forehead against hers. "You truly are beautiful," I said.

Bella blushed and lightly brushed her lips against mine once more before laying her head against my shoulder. I gave her a few more minutes of quiet before I spoke up. "Would it be ok if we went to visit my family for a little while today? Carlisle wanted to talk to you and give you a quick check up."

There was a pause before Bella spoke. "Just for a regular visit. Alice doesn't have anything Christmassy planned does she?"

"No, she doesn't," I replied.

Bella got changed put on a warm jacket and we drove to my house. I noticed she was no longer as tense when I would drive and watch her as opposed to the road. When we arrived at our house Alice was at the door to greet us. She hugged Bella and we migrated to the parlor and greeted everyone. Bella spoke Carlisle with some apprehension and he decided to put her at ease.

"Do you want to come upstairs for a few minutes? I promise I have nothing evasive planned, I just want to give you an overall check-up."

Bella nodded and followed him. I could see the tension in her shoulders. I wanted to go with her but knew she was safe without me and likely wouldn't want me there for the physical. I tried to respect her privacy by not keeping track of Carlisle's thoughts. I let the rest of my family try to distract me.

Soon Bella was done and Carlisle called me upstairs so I could be with her when he talked to her about moving forward. I sat in his office and pulled Bella into my arms next to me. "Are you ok?" I whispered.

Bella nodded and gave a small smile. "Yeah, Carlisle is very gentle and professional."

I kissed the top of her head and turned to Carlisle. "So how's she doing?"

Carlisle's thoughts were please and yet concerned. Bella was not in immediate danger, but because of her low weight and being malnourished he knew she could get very sick very fast. "Bella's doing well." He smiled at her. "You're gaining weight and I want to keep you on the supplements you're currently on. I think my main concern right now is that you still aren't getting as much sleep as you should. Your body is run down and lack of sleep is only complicating the issue. At this point if you got the flu you would end up in the hospital on IV's for multiple days. I know you want to avoid that. Up until now you have been adamant that you don't want any sleep aids, but I really would like to try something. I'm hoping with Edward there that you will be a little more open to trying."

Bella pulled into me and placed both hands on mine and snuck one up my arm, under my sleeve. I knew she was scared and needed touch from me to try and ground herself. She turned worried eyes to me. I brushed her face with my other hand. "It's ok, sweetheart. I'm with you, always. I won't leave you at night. If the nightmares get to bad I will be there to wake you and hold you. You need to get better."

I could read the conflict in Bella eyes and finally I saw resignation. "Please don't leave me."

"Never."

Bella turned to Carlisle. "Ok, I'll try it for a few nights."

Carlisle smiled. "That's all I ask. I know it's difficult for you, but remember Edward is there and he has medical training. I also wanted to talk to you about something else. You're getting many calories and that's good, but I want to make sure you are building muscle mass and not just gaining fat. Would you be open to an exercise program?"

Bella shrugged. "I guess, what are you thinking of?"

"Well I would like to get Emmett involved if that's ok," Carlisle said. "Emmett," Carlisle called out, and we could hear him bounding up the stairs.

He rushed in. "Smella-Bella! We are going to have so much fun!"

Bella turned and gave me a slightly worried look. I smiled. "Just listen to him. He is qualified for what he's talking about."

Emmett reined in his exuberance. "Seriously, Bella, through the years I've racked up a few degrees in Physical and Occupational Therapy. Now I haven't dealt with anyone one on one like this is but I have training and I keep up with the latest methods and exercises. I admit it's a delicate balanced. We want to build muscle mass and keep your heart strengthened but we don't want to burn a lot of calories."

Bella sat quietly for a few moments before she spoke. "Ok, how often are you thinking we should do this? When do we start?"

Emmett hooted. "That's what I'm talking about. Nothing's open today, but I can buy a lot of what I want off the internet. It'll take a few days to ship but I should have the start of a gym together in three or four days. We'll start with the basics and get more as needed. I'm sure Alice can get the whole thing together in no time."

Bella cringed. "How much are you spending? Is there something else we can do? I don't want to you to build a gym for me that no one else will use."

Emmett laughed. "Oh Bells. It's not an issue. If you're that upset we can take the money out of your personal accounts, though really it won't dent anything."

I cringed knowing where this was going and tried to cut it off. "Bella, don't worry. It really won't be that expensive."

Of course she didn't drop it. "My personal accounts? Emmett I don't have that much money."

Emmett laughed even harder. "Most people would consider ten million dollars a lot of money."

I groaned and Carlisle looked down, he also knew where this was going. Bella, of course was completely confused and I didn't want to enlighten her. "Ten million dollars?"

Emmett choked on his laughter. "Oh man. Eddie you never told her! Classic. I'm outta here while you dig yourself outta this hole. Bells just remember they love you and it's all good."

Emmett left and Bella crossed her arms in front of her and huffed. I gave up and tipped my head back and shrugged my shoulders. "Ask Carlisle. I didn't do it."

_Thanks Edward!_ Carlisle clearly thought at me. I tried to feel bad for throwing him under the bus, but couldn't. I knew Bella would not be happy to hear that she had accounts in her name but there was no avoiding the conversation now.

Carlisle spoke. "Bella did your parents ever set up accounts for you? Somewhere they saved money for when you got older?"

"No, not really. My parents didn't have much money. They lived pay check to pay check. There wasn't enough left over for a trust fund or anything."

"I understand, but did you have a college fund or anything?" Carlisle asked.

"Yeah, I did. A small one."

Carlisle nodded. "Exactly. That's all I'm doing."

Bella groaned. "Carlisle it's not the same. That was my _parents_! That was their job, to take care of me. Plus they had money but not _ten million dollars!_" Bella was shouting at the end.

Carlisle sighed. "Bella don't think about the amount." She snorted. "I'm serious. Everyone in the family has a percentage of the family's money for personal use. There is always a chance that something might happen to me or the coven and we need to separate. This is insurance that no matter what happens each of us have money that we can access individually in any emergency, or for personal expenditures. The amount may seem excessive, but it is a small amount of the money the family has."

"Carlisle, ten million dollars! I just don't know that I'm comfortable with that. No, I know I'm not!"

"Then pretend it isn't there. I'm not taking it back. You are part of the family and I take care of everyone. Alice keeps track of trends. She bought Microsoft stock the weeks after it went on the market, can you guess how much we made? We are initial investors in Starbucks and McDonalds. I understand, it's a lot of money, but it isn't at the same time."

Bella looked up and sighed. I could see the thoughts running through her head. I was staying out of the conversation, I wasn't the one that did it and I didn't want to get in trouble. I knew it was cowardly.

Bella's lip started quivering. "Carlisle I'm not part of your family. You aren't my father and you can't replace him."

"Oh Bella, I don't want to replace your father. I would never attempt to do so. That wasn't what I meant at all. The thing is you _are_ mated to Edward. Edward is part of our coven, our family, which automatically binds you to us as well. I'm the head of our family and it is my responsibility and joy to look after all of you. One of the ways I do that it assuring that you all have money. With the ages that most of our coven was turned at, getting high paying jobs of their own isn't feasible, people aren't going to hire seventeen year old Edward to be a Heart surgeon, no matter how much he would be qualified to be one."

I could see Bella struggling to process it all. "I don't know what to say," she finally whispered.

Carlisle spoke again, "Bella did your family leave you insurance? I assume so as you have a house. That's all I'm doing, giving you insurance."

Bella started picking at her sweatshirt cuff and rubbing her feet into the floor. "What's wrong, love?" I asked.

"Nothing, I just . . . I don't know what to say about all this. I don't have anything. The house I live in I rent. I had to declare bankruptcy because I couldn't pay the medical bills for being in the hospital for months on end. The little my parents had is gone."

"I didn't know, Bella, I'm sorry," I said. I felt terrible. When I'd finally learned Bella's full name all we had done was look into the tragedy that happened but no further. How could I have not found out the additional pain she'd suffered?

Bella nodded her head against my chest. "That's ok. It isn't your fault." She turned her head slightly and looked at Carlisle. "I'm sorry I got so upset. I know you are just looking out for me. It's just overwhelming and unexpected."

Carlisle reassured her. "I don't want you to be mad at me. I promise I just want to do what I can to keep you safe. Since we're talking about it I will get you an accounting of where all your funds are. We keep them in multiple countries and currencies." He looked up at me. "Obviously I haven't had time to travel to set up safe deposit boxes with hard currency. Until I can will you share your keys with her so she has access if needed?"

I nodded. "Not a problem. We should see if we can get her boxes in the same location mine are in anyway. I can't see her traveling without me. Do you have a passport Bella?"

Bella answered. "No, I've never been out of the country or needed one."

I nodded. "We can get her one made. We should probably get a few made in different names."

"Wait!" Bella said. "Listen this is too much. Can we just take a breath? Does this need to be done now?"

I fought with myself. I was suddenly overrun with images of people coming after Bella and not being able to take her out of the country, but tempered myself, knowing Bella needed me to be calm. "No, not right now, but soon we should get it done."

Bella nodded and looked at Carlisle. "I'm sorry I got so upset. This is just so new to me."

Carlisle smiled. "That's ok Bella. I set the accounts up without thinking about it. I promise it wasn't to upset you."

Bella nodded and looked at me and then at Carlisle. She slowly got up and approached Carlisle. My jaw dropped and I was so proud of her when she leaned in and gave Carlisle a quick hug. "Thank you," she said.

Carlisle's thoughts were muddled, shocked and pleased. "You're welcome Bella."

Emmett called from downstairs, quiet enough for Bella to not hear. "Wait! Carlisle gets a hug before me! That is so unfair. I am way cooler than Carlisle."

Rose hit him. "Shut up you idiot."

Alice just laughed. "All I know is I'm not telling Bella I've already been in her accounts investing and she has way more than ten million dollars!"

Bella came and sat with me again, I smiled at her letting her know how proud I was that she took the courage to hug Carlisle.

Carlisle cleared his throat and spoke. "I have a few other things. Emmett is going to help you with your fitness, but I was hoping that you'd also let Rose help you with a bit of self defense. Have you ever taken any self defense classes?"

Bella dropped her head while shaking it no. I was confused by her reaction and tried to understand it. Finally a light dawned and I pulled her chin up to look at me. "Bella, no self defense class would have stopped what happened to you. You weren't at fault. You were drugged and brought in a room with multiple men that far outweighed you. Then Riley had weapons and hostages. Carlisle doesn't think you were at fault; he is trying to protect you in case you could use it in the future. Self defense is important for everyone."

"Oh Bella, You did nothing wrong. Never think I'm suggesting it. May I ask though, do you feel helpless at times? Are there instances when someone intimidates you and you would like to know that if you _had_ to you could defend yourself?" Carlisle spoke softly.

Bella slowly nodded. "I'm sorry, I just wonder if I could have done something different. I always question those nights and what could have changed."

I kissed the top of her head. "Stop worrying. There is nothing that can be changed in the past. There is the present and the future. I won't allow anything like that to happen to you again."

I figured we were done talking and moved to get up when I read a thought flittering through Carlisle's mind. I was shocked and quickly thought through what he wanted to ask. I slowly nodded at his questioning glance towards me. I thought it might be a good idea.

Carlisle sat forward on his chair and looked at Bella. "Can I impose one more thing?"

Bella looked at me confused, but nodded.

"Today is Christmas." Bella tensed up as Carlisle spoke. "Normally I go to a Christmas service by myself to reflect on the season, its purpose and the past year of my life. I was wondering if you would want to join me this year. It is just fine if you don't want to, but I thought I would throw the invitation out there."

I held my breath as I watched Bella think through the question. I didn't entirely know what demons she was facing today. I didn't want to push her, but I also knew how important her faith was to her. Slowly she nodded her head before saying. "I think I would like that."

Carlisle beamed. "Wonderful. We can leave after dinner. Edward, I assume you'll be coming too?"

"Of course," I said.

Bella turned and looked at me. "I'm a bit worn out. Can we go to your room for a bit and just veg?"

I heard the groans from my family downstairs who were hoping to spend time with Bella, but they all understood that she'd received a lot of information and needed to process it all, especially since she was already stressed out with it being Christmas day. Jasper was very proud that she asked for what she wanted and didn't just go along with what everyone else wanted for her to do.

I got up and scooped Bella in my arms. She squealed and I laughed. "You said you wanted to veg, that doesn't include you walking." She giggled and I walked us to my room. When I got there I quirked an eye at her wondering what she wanted to do and where she wanted to go. She pointed to the couch in front of the wall of windows in my sitting room. I sat down with my back to the arm of the couch and pulled Bella between my legs and she curled up against my chest.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

She hummed quietly then looked at me. "Can you read me something?"

I smiled. "Sure, what would you like?"

She scrunched up her nose as she thought about it. "_The Fellowship of the Ring_?"

I loved my mate. She asked me to read _Lord of the Rings_ and not Daniel Steele. I didn't even need to find the book, as I'd read it and had it memorized. I started telling her the story and she looked at me shocked. "You have it memorized."

I laughed. Somehow Bella seemed to forget what I was. "I'm a vampire Bella. I have a photographic memory. I've read the story before so it is memorized."

Bella snorted. "Stupid perfect vampires."

I laughed and started the story again. The afternoon passed with Bella curled against me as I recited the story and her interjecting questions and comments as I want along. I'd never spent a day like that before and I thought it was a slice of perfection.

For dinner we went down and talked to the family. Bella was quiet and didn't say much to anyone but keeping an eye I her I wasn't too worried. I kept eye contact with her and Jasper who I knew was continually reading her, making sure she was ok and not falling into a deep depression.

After dinner we climbed in my car with Carlisle and went to church. I kept quiet and listened to them both talk theology and what brought them to the church and their beliefs. I was amazed again at how articulate and thought out Bella's faith was. It wasn't a crutch for her like it seemed like for many people, nor was she overzealous and in your face. She believed what she believed and was willing to back it up if asked, but didn't feel she needed to yell to convince you to believe what she did. I admit her quiet belief caused me to question my disbelief and if she was right to believe in God and a soul. I would ponder on it more later.

When church was over I dropped Carlisle off at home and drove to Bella's. I could tell she needed to be home, in quiet. The church service brought back many memories and she was fighting her past. I put a movie on that I knew she'd watch hundreds of times and she didn't even pay attention to it, which I expected.

At ten that night I nudged her. "Bella, it's time for you to take your sleeping pill and try to get some sleep."

She turned fearful eyes at me. "Please don't leave."

"Never."

She went up stairs to get ready for bed and I sat waiting for her, hoping the night wouldn't go as badly as she thought it would. Honestly her dreams were already horrific and consuming; I didn't see how a sleeping pill could make it worse.

When Bella was done I went upstairs and sat in the corner chair like I always did. Bella turned to me. "Will you hold my hand?"

I was at her side in the blink of an eye to hold her hand. I grabbed her hand and sat on the floor.

She smiled, and then looked upset. "Oh, Edward, you can't sit on the floor all night. That's not fair."

I sighed and got up. I placed my right leg on the floor with my knee bent. I then put my left leg where my ankle was almost touching my right knee. I place my left arm out straight and my right arm I bent over my head. I leaned my whole body back as far as I could without falling over. "Bella, I could hold this pose for hours, days, and not get stiff or sore. I'm a vampire; sitting on the floor is not a problem. The only thing that's a problem is being away from you." I sat back on the floor and took Bella's hand.

She gave a big yawn and smiled at me. "I love you, Edward."

I brushed her hair back with my open hand. "I love you, Bella. Now sleep."

"Will you talk to me?" Bella asked.

I started reciting where I'd left off with _Fellowship of the Ring_. I spoke quietly and listened to Bella's breath deepen and slow. I thought she was asleep when she quietly said. "Merry Christmas, Edward"

"Merry Christmas, Isabella," I whispered.

* * *

Hey all. First I am so sorry that I am behind in RR. I try so hard to keep on top of them, but I did fall behind. I will try to be caught up by tomorrow! Don't let that stop you from review this chapter. Hope you like it, next chapter we will get into more of Bella's healing and hardship. LOL also some for Edward.

Nissa thank you for pre-reading for me and sharing your thoughts and comments!

Thank you to all my readers that are with me still and letting me know what you like and don't like. I love how so many of you have embraced these characters and taken their troubles to heart. It truly gladdens my heart to read the reviews with the love of Edward and Bella.


	38. Trying New Things

*****WARNING***** There is sexual content in this chapter that is meant for people that are 18 or older.

Also this is un-beta'd again. sorry :(

**Chapter 38 – Trying New Things**

I walked in my house, into the kitchen and met Esme and Carlisle. "Where's everyone else?" I asked.

Esme smiled. "Off checking out equipment for our new gym."

I rolled my eyes knowing Emmett and Alice had to be in their element. I almost felt sorry for Rose being with the two of them.

Carlisle spoke, "How did Bella do last night?"

I smiled. "Well, actually. She had two very bad dreams and a few others that weren't bad enough for me to wake her. She did sleep a lot deeper when she was sleeping and slept for almost eight hours. When she woke she was pretty tired still, but I figure that's because her body was just happy to finally get some sleep."

Carlisle nodded. "That's what I expected. After looking in her files more, she was so drugged up I'm sure she was having hallucinations and fugue states. I understand her reluctance to take additional drugs, and I know she doesn't want to become dependent. I'm hoping, if we can get her body to a regular sleep cycle that she can eventually go off the drugs.

"You're right that she's going to become very tired for a while as well. Her body has been so deprived of sleep and nutrition that now that she's getting both her body's going to try and make up for all it's missed. We need to make sure she sleeps when she's tired and maybe for a few weeks making sure that one of us is with her if she goes out, in case she goes somewhere and is too tired to get home. Her body will adjust in three or four weeks."

"Shouldn't be a problem," I said. "I don't intent to be away from her much for a while."

Carlisle laughed and Esme smiled and said, "I'm sure you don't plan on being away from her. She really is making progress. I know it's slow, but yesterday when she hugged Carlisle, I almost cried. I would never have guessed her ready to touch another man so soon."

"Yeah, I was surprised and proud of her for that. I expected her to stake him over the money and she hugged him instead!" I said.

"Thanks for leaving me out to dry on that conversation, by the way," Carlisle replied.

Edward snorted. "Hey you did it. I wasn't taking responsibility. I figured as head of the coven you could step up and take responsibility for your actions."

Carlisle tried to grab me to put me in a head lock but I dodged him. We ran around the kitchen until Esme spoke up. "Ok you two. Enough, before you cause trouble. Edward, go get changed so you can be ready when Bella gets here."

I moaned and walked away. "Don't remind me." I was trying to avoid the thoughts of Jasper driving Bella here. I knew in my head she would be fine, but I was still nervous she wouldn't be. I knew Jasper had amazing reflexes and should be able to prevent any accident. My mind though kept thinking up scenarios of how Bella could end up hurt. Jasper was in Alice's sports car and if he was doing even one mile over the speed limit I would rip an arm off.

I quickly changed, went to my computer and started looking up specs on the safest car there was. With Bella coming over to do physical therapy with Emmett, Jasper likely would be driving her more often. I was determined to sure make he had the safest car to drive her in when I couldn't be there.

Soon the house filled up with all my siblings and Bella. Alice pranced up to me while I was holding Bella, who looking a little worse for wear after her session with Jasper, and spoke. "Edward, you need to go hunting."

I glared at her. Bella pulled away from me and looked in my eyes. Alice didn't even try to act contrite, she knew making the statement in front of Bella guaranteed that Bella would make me hunt.

"Edward, when was the last time you hunted?" Bella asked.

I huffed. "I'm fine. I don't need to hunt right now."

Alice stepped in. "Yeah, you do. You haven't hunted in a while. Wouldn't it be better to hunt now, while Bella's awake, than when she's asleep and needs you? If you leave now you'll be home before she goes to sleep." _Edward, she needs a little time without you or she'll become totally dependent on you. She'll be fine. If anything happens I promise to call you immediately. _

I sighed and closed my eyes. I knew it was worthless trying to fight. I bent down and put my forehead against Bella's. "Call me if you need anything, even if it's just to talk. Ok?"

"I promise," she said.

Emmett came up behind me. "Come on bro. Let's go. Let's let the women do their thing and let's go be manly men."

I rolled my eyes, but followed my brothers out. Emmett climbed in his jeep. I hated when he drove, but didn't make any comment. As we were driving Emmett spoke up. "So, Bella didn't seem her normal cheery self. Is she ok?"

Jasper took a moment collecting his thoughts. "She's ok. The next sessions are going to be difficult. I've been going easy and letting her get comfortable with me and what we are doing; now, though, I need to start pushing her. She left enough significant things out of her retelling that I don't know if she's repressed some of what happened to her, which will mean I need her to retrieve those memories, or if she just didn't want to share it all. Either way I will not be her favorite Cullen for a while, and I hate it even though I know it needs to happen. I'm now giving her more and more to think on that isn't pleasant.

"Edward, I'm going to need you to be there for her in a lot of ways. She's gonna crash at some point and will need you there to pick up the pieces. I don't know what she'll be like beforehand. Either she'll be striking out and mad or will close in on herself. Either way you need to not let her push you away. Don't go against her, but make sue she knows you're around."

I felt bad for Jasper. I knew not only was he going to be pushing Bella, but he was feeling the pain she was feeling too. I think in a lot of ways Jasper had the hardest gift to have. He not only had to help Bella with her pain, but he feel it too.

"What do you mean? What didn't Baby tell us?" Emmett asked. I cringed part of me didn't want to know any more horrors.

"It's not like that Emmett. She told us most of it. It's just the reality of it verses what she said is so much more. I viewed the video and the concise sentences she gave don't really show how bad it was. What has me most worried is that she had several orgasms. With all the date rape drugs she was on, it was inevitable and unavoidable. Still every time she cried out in shame. Paul kept telling her what a slut she was for liking it. Honestly, that boy needs to be castrated."

The whole time Jasper was talking I was growling low in my chest. Images of what he saw were filtering in his mind and I saw my love being violated. It was even more horrific than I thought. My fists were clenched in my lap and I wanted to strike out and kill.

Emmett spoke. "You watched that. Don't you think that was a little personal and violated Bella?"

"I needed to see exactly what I was dealing with. It doesn't help me to help her if I don't know as much as I can. Yeah, it was horrid to watch, but it had to be done. The worst is, that Edward, you're going to have to watch it."

"No!" I growled out.

Jasper tried sending waves of calm at me that weren't doing much.

Emmett was shocked. "You _want_ Edward to watch? Seriously, you'll kill him."

Jasper answered. "No, I don't _want_ Edward to watch. I'm saying he'll need to though. In February Bella will be going to trial, Edward I'm assuming will be with her . . ."

"I _will_ be there," I interrupted.

"The worst thing would be for Edward to be there and seeing the video for the first time. If he is anywhere in the courthouse you know he will be seeing the video through the thoughts and minds of everyone there, that includes Paul. Is that the best time for him to do that surrounded by humans while he needs to be strength for Bella?"

"Fuck." I didn't even want to contemplate seeing that video but Jasper was right.

Emmett spoke. "Who's all going to the trial? I know I want to be there for Bella and Rose will want to go. Heck she'll take the head off anyone who tries to stop her. She wants to be there for Bella through all of this as much as she can."

Jasper added. "I want to be there. I know Bella will be having a difficult time and with me as her therapist she'll need me. Alice won't be left behind and I doubt Esme will let her child go without her. I don't know if Bella will want us all there. It will be up to her, but I'm going to encourage her to let everyone support her."

I ran my hand through my hair. I couldn't let go of the idea of this video that I did not want to watch. "When do I need to watch this video?"

Jasper sighed. "I don't know. Not right now. We have time but you will need to watch it eventually. Let me know when you're ready and I will be there for you bro."

Emmett nudged me. "Me too. Even if you need to just talk. I'm here for you."

Seeing Emmett calm and concerned would surprise many people, but I knew he could turn the jokester off when needed and that he was sincere about being there for me.

"Thanks guys." I said.

Emmett of course was sympathetic for long enough and said. "Enough with the crying. We are here to be men." He pulled in to a parking lot at a National Forrest and said. "Whoever gets the biggest kill gets to drive home!" I smiled as I took off, knowing this was his way of giving me a way to burn my angst and letting me drive.

I lost myself hunting that afternoon and kept my mind from everything we'd talked about in the car. I focused on the hunt and the kill and was happy when I got to drive home that evening. We got back to our house early enough that I could spend a little bit of time with Bella before she had to go to sleep. When I walked in the house she flew to my arms and cuddled in. I lifted and carried her to a chair and she pulled back and gave me a kiss. "I missed you," she whispered.

"I missed you more," I responded happy to have her in my arms and kissing me.

The next two days passed quietly. Bella came back from her sessions with Jasper with a darker cloud of depression around her each day that took longer for me to coax away from her. I decided to get her away from it all and started planning a date for the two of us. So far Bella hadn't gone beyond our house or hers, other than the one time we went skating and Christmas service. I could tell she was closing herself off from the world and I wouldn't let her do that.

When Bella got to my house the next day Emmett was waiting for her in the foyer with a huge smile. "Dizzy Izzy! Today's the day. I have enough equipment to get started on training! Go visit Alice, she has some clothes for you and then meet me downstairs." Emmett's excitement was pouring off of him.

Bella looked at me worried. I brushed her cheek. "Do you want me to come with you?"

She took a deep breath and glanced at Emmett and then back at me. "You don't have to."

"How about I walk you down there and stay while you get started." I said.

She nodded and went up to Alice's room, where I hoped Alice had no makeover torture planned, to change. I waited for her and tried to not let the shock cross my face when I saw her. She was always in baggy clothes and while I could feel how thin she was it was another thing to see her in workout clothes that should have been skin tight but hung off her. I kissed her head and grabbed her hand even more gently than I normally would. She was so incredibly breakable; I momentarily was scared about touching her at all.

She must have sensed my hesitancy and looked at me. I smiled down at her and shook my head letting her know everything was ok. I led her downstairs where Emmett had set up our new gym. I admit I was impressed when I walked in and saw everything he had set up.

Bella looked a little nervous but Emmett came up, grabbed her hand and enthusiastically started pointing out every machine, what they did, what she would be doing and was so excited Bella started laughing. I stood back watching them interact. Emmett really was good for her and she was good for him as well. I think they interacted as siblings more than any of the rest of us and Bella had a wit about her that played off Emmett's perfectly. I hadn't seen my love smile so much in a long time, nor crack jokes. Part of me wanted to be jealous, but I couldn't be with as happy as she was.

Soon, though, I noticed something that took the smile off my face. I was watching Bella stretching and seeing her flushed face, listening to her breathing get deeper, my pants started getting tighter. I looked away hoping that would help, but I could still hear and saw through Emmett's eyes. Her scent engulfed me and pushed me further down the path of arousal. I groaned as my body reacted more to what was going on. Lately I'd spent a lot of time aroused, but this was worse than normal.

I couldn't take being in the same room as Bella anymore and ran to my room as Emmett's laughter and teasing thoughts followed me. I paced my room trying to get the images of Bella bending and panting out of my head and they wouldn't leave. I spent forty six minutes and thirty five seconds in agony until Rose walked into the gym and started self defense training for Bella. As I watch Rose pretend to attack her, my arousal ebbed and my fear grew. I knew Rose wouldn't harm her but seeing Bella in Rose's thoughts, being attacked tried my will power. I wanted to be there protecting her.

Finally Rose was done and Bella was slowly walking up to my room exhausted. She came in and I grabbed her and held her in my arms. Her scent over powered me as she was still flushed and sweaty. I groaned in my head as my body reacted instantly and I was aroused again.

Bella pulled back. "I know I stink. Can I grab a shower?"

I stood staring at her. Was she serious? She wanted to get in my shower, where she would get wet and soapy while cleaning her whole body, while I was in the state I was. All I could do was nod, there was no way I could form a sentence.

She gave me a small smile but looked confused. I watched her walk into the bathroom and heard her slowly undress and start the shower. By this point my erection was throbbing. As soon as she stepped in the shower and I heard the water hit her soft skin I was done for. I threw open my balcony door and took off. It was either that or I was going to do something very ungentlemanly. I had promised Bella I would never push her and I was beginning to realize how difficult a promise that would be to keep.

I ran for a while trying to will my erection away. When that didn't happen I started thinking of any nonsexual image I could. Anything that would repulse me to the point I would no longer be in danger of having my pants rip open. Finally I had control of myself and felt like I could see Bella without mauling her. I turned back to home and found her asleep in my bed. I groaned as my erection came back as I instantly imagined what I could do to her on that bed, but I was in control of myself and sat on the bed next to her, brushing her hair and let her sleeping heart calm me.

When Bella awoke we went downstairs so she could eat. It was obvious that this morning had taken a lot out of her. I was happy to see her so worn down, because it meant her body was finally reacting the way it should. It had been so long since Bella had done anything like today and her body was trying to get the rest it needed. I had a feeling she would be falling asleep again soon.

I brought her to the kitchen, where Esme was, and those two chatted like best friends. Esme truly saw Bella as her daughter and Bella responded to Esme much as a daughter would to a mother. I was again hit with how Esme needed Bella and Bella needed Esme. Esme never got to really mother any of us, and she was in her element having Bella to lightly mother and love. Bella needed Esme just as much, a grown woman she could get a sense of balance and peace from, if not motherly love.

When Bella finished eating we walked into the movie room where my family was slowly gathering. I sat on the couch and Bella curled up against me. I pulled her in closer, listen to my family debate what to watch and if we should wait for Carlisle to get done with work before starting. Everything seemed so normal and peaceful; I somehow knew this was how my life was meant to be from now on.

Finally someone decided on a movie, I wasn't paying attention to what was put on. I was enthralled with Bella and just watching her. Eventually she started to nod off and I pulled her even closer. I loved that she felt so safe with me and that no one else could hold her like I could.

After while she started fidgeting and finally moved so her head was in my lap. I drew my breath in as I watched her move and turn so her face was planted close to my manhood, which was fighting to get out of my khakis at this point. I groaned and tried to will the pictures of Bella giving fellacio out of my head. I felt like the sick monster that I was thinking such thoughts about my love.

I was so focused on trying to get images of Bella in a sexual way out of my head I didn't hear Jasper trying to get my attention. Finally his shouting got my attention and I looked up to see my whole family watching me. I could see in their eyes I looked wild, I was breathing in short ragged breathes and my eyes were dilated completely black.

Carlisle came up to me and crouched down. "Edward, are you ok? If her blood is getting to you walk away. There's no shame in having to leave your signer, even if she is you mate."

Jasper spoke quietly. "Carlisle, Edward is having lust issues, but not blood lust."

Carlisle's eyes widened. "Oh, I didn't think of that." He paused for a moment and thought through what he knew of mated pairs. "I should have expected this. Your bond is trying to have you claim each other. You've known her for four months. I don't think there has ever been a mated pair that hasn't consummated their relationship after four months. I doubt there has been one that hasn't made it four days without intimacy. I'm sure you're being drawn to her and I imagine she is to you as well. This is a complication, but it isn't insurmountable. I would think if you are overwhelmed leaving to get yourself together, much like you did when her scent overwhelmed you would be the thing to do."

Emmett broke in. "Yeah, and you need to wank more too. That might help."

I groaned and covered my face. I did not want to have a family meeting about my sex life, or lack thereof. I figured this was some kind of cosmic retribution for me knowing all my family's thoughts and now I could feel the way they had no privacy. "Emmett!" I hissed.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Well, Edward, he has a point. I know that as vampires we have a very insatiable libido at times. How often are you masturbating?"

I closed my eyes and sighed knowing I wouldn't get out of this conversation. Not with Bella in my lap pinning me down. I wouldn't wake her just so I could avoid a conversation. No matter how much I didn't want to have it. "I'm not masturbating. I will not objectify Bella like that."

Emmett spoke up. "No wonder you're so horney. I would die if I didn't clean my pipes out daily. That explains your uptight ass. Dude seriously go jack off and we all will feel better!"

Carlisle turned to Emmett. "Not now!" Emmett just shrugged and sent multiple thoughts letting me know he thought I needed to start masturbating now.

Jasper offered his opinion. "Edward, it's not objectifying her. Listen; if you were a normal person that slept you would be having wet dreams now that you are more aware sexually. You can't do that so you need to take things in hand, so to speak, before you do lose yourself, or heaven forbid attack Bella because you are so pent up you crack."

Carlisle said, "well there's that, but also other reasons. It would be horrific if you had your first orgasm with Bella. There's no way you can anticipate the physical, emotional, and mental reactions that you'll have. They could be violent and harm Bella if you go in cold. You need to have an idea of what will happen."

Alice gave her thoughts. "Edward, you love Bella for who she is, not what she is. Yeah, if you had a picture of her, never having talked to her and got off to it that would be objectifying her. This is completely different, she's your mate, and she can't be intimate right now. It would almost be like phone sex with a couple away from each other. You love her for who she is not what she is."

I ran my hand over my face. "Fine! I will think about it. Please, do not think I am walking to my room right now to do so though."

Everyone laughed and Emmett spoke up. "Do you need any pointers? I suggest lube, lots of lube and sometimes music with a good beat helps."

He planned on continuing and I cut him off. "Thank you, Emmett. I'm such I can figure it out on my own!"

I spoke louder than I meant to and Bella's eyes fluttered. She looked up at me. "Is everything ok?"

I brushed her face. "Yes, love. I'm sorry, Emmett was being a pain. I didn't mean to wake you."

She gave me a sleepy smile. "That's ok."

I glanced up at my family and knew I needed to get out of my house. Their thoughts on my sexual prowess, masturbation habits, and other thoughts were killing me. I needed out and being with my love, who was silent in mind was perfect.

"Do you want to get back to your house? That way you can get comfy in your pajamas." I knew I was playing dirty. My girl loved to relax in her pjs and cuddle up.

Bella looked at me and I knew she knew there was more to what I was saying. "Ok, if you want to get going I'm good with that."

I smiled letting her know I was ok. We said our goodbyes and Bella surprised me by hugging everyone, not just the girls. Emmett was over the moon shouting about how Bella was hugging him and acting like a general maniac. She just laughed joking if he was going to make such a fuss she would have to stop doing it. He pouted and pretended to cry.

Soon we were at Bella's and not long afterwards she was in bed sleeping for the night. As I sat by her bed, holding her hand, I thought about what my family said. I knew logically I must have masturbated when I was a human. What seventeen year old hot blooded boy hadn't? I came from a time much different than this one. In my day teenagers were not promiscuous and there is no doubt in my mind that I was a virgin so any relief I would have found from my, assumed, raging hormones would have come from my own hand. Why then was I struggling so much now?

I looked over at Bella and knew the difference. I would not be doing this to satisfy some hormonal spike. I would not be imaging some unknown woman that I would never meet. No, I would be doing this because of the emotion that Bella stirred in me and _she_ would be the sole focus of my thoughts.

Would that be so bad? Would I be betraying her in some unknown way if I found my release, release I would not have needed if I didn't have her in my life, with her as my muse? Would she fault me for being a normal man and doing something that countless seventeen year olds did on a weekly basis?

Carlisle's point was valid as well. Would having my first orgasm be prudent with Bella? Vampires are extremely sexual creatures. While I have never partaken of that side of my nature I have been around those that have. I couldn't have lived the years in my house I have without being exposed to the couples there procreating. No, my family was as normal as other vampires in that respect, and had sex with their mates daily or more often. The only way they were different than most is they were monogamous.

I cringed thinking of the times I had spent with the Volturi and their sexual escapades, daily group orgies, sex parties and human baiting for sexual and feeding pleasure. Felix went through a period of time when he wouldn't feed on a human without raping them first. It was disgusting and vulgar.

No, I would not treat Bella like that, nor would I use such images or thoughts to find my own pleasure. I would cherish her in my mind, as I did in my actions when she was with me. I took a deep breath thinking for the first time that I really could possibly do this. I think the constant erection I had helped push the decision.

The morning past quickly, I was distracted by the thoughts in my head and more than once Bella gave me a concerned look and I tried to keep my thoughts on the here and now, but they continued to drift.

Finally Jasper came for Bella's session and I went home determined to try and masturbate. I had no clue how the idea had become such a pivotal issue for me, but it had. Ignored my family and walked up to my room. I had decided the shower was the place to try for my first time. I quickly stripped and turned the water on. Before I got in the mirror caught my eye. I turned and face it full on looking at myself. I had never taken an inventory of what I looked like as a man. Yes, when I was first turned I had looked at the monster I'd become, but since then I had never really looked at myself.

I was thin. Carlisle had turned me right before I would have died of the Spanish Flu. I'd been bed ridden and sick for days and my body showed it. I wasn't emaciated by any means, but there was no fat lingering on me either. All of my muscles were defined, but small. I didn't have a body builder stature like Emmett did, no my stature was more like a long distance runner, wiry yet toned. I didn't sport a six pack, but there were lines that defined where my abs were. My shoulders weren't as broad as they would have been if I'd been turned as twenty two or twenty three, but they were big enough for Bella to lay her head on and that was all that mattered to me. My hips were thin and my legs were lean. Over all I thought I looked aright and wouldn't scare Bella if she ever saw me naked.

I turned to the shower then and looked down at my erection jutting out, begging for attention. I'd been privy to the thoughts of countless teenage and fraternity boys over the decades and prepared my hand with a bit of soap before starting.

I tentatively place my hand on my penis and instantly felt it jump in anticipation. I took a deep breath and slowly started stoking to see what pressure I would like the most. I quickly let myself go to the sensation of what I was doing. My hand started picking up speed and my thoughts turned from the technique of what of I was doing and drifted to what it would be like if it was Bella's soft hot hand and not my own stroking me. I moaned at the thought and my hand picked up speed. I could picture and almost feel Bella's hand and hear her heartbeat race, as my own would be doing if it could.

The image and need caused my belly and upper thighs to tighten and suddenly my erection was erupting and spurting out cum. My knees got weak and I had to place a hand on the wall to steady myself. My vision tunneled and I groaned as the most delicious sensation came over me as I orgasmed.

I ignored Emmett's shout of "We have liftoff," and let the most peaceful lassitude settle over me. I couldn't remember ever feeling as loose or as settled as I did right then. Part of me was excited to have my first vampiric orgasm, expecting sparkly seminal fluid or fireworks. Another part of me was happy my first time hadn't been with Bella, I had lost myself for a few seconds and if she had been in my arms or I had been on top of her there is no telling what might have happened. At that moment I decided that I would need to masturbate more often if I ever hope to get to the point where I could have an orgasm around Bella.

I also had to acknowledge that I didn't feel I'd defiled my love in anyway. The thoughts and images in my head had been entirely simplistic and not risqué. I turned the shower off feeling a lot less tense than I had in a while and was looking forward to Bella coming over after her session with happiness, contentment, and with no lingering fear of having my baser nature take control. My first for ray into masturbation had definitely put things into perspective for me.

* * *

*sigh* so how was the first lime/lemon? I'm not sure which it is. There was an orgasm which seems lemon but there wasn't another person there which seems lime. Whichever it was how was it?

Nissa thank you for your pre-reading and awesome thoughts. Last chapter it was her idea for Carlisle and Bella to go to Christmas service together. Nissa your support is instrumental to me.

Please read and review and let me know your thoughts.


	39. Her Diamonds

Warning, this is a kinda angsty chapter. It is a needed chapter, but be prepared for no fluff or funny.

**Chapter 39 – Her Diamonds**

When Bella go to my house after my monumental shower I was shocked to see how apathetic she looked. I glanced at Jasper as he came in behind her.

_Rough session. She's avoiding a lot. Did you know she has not cried one time in over three years? She's never been to her parent's gravesite. She hasn't once looked through the boxes of things that were kept from her house before it was foreclosed on. She needs to deal with her loss and not avoid it. _Jasper thought, letting me know what was going on.

I nodded at him knowing he would fill my family in on what was going on. I cupped Bella's chin so she would look at me. "Talk to me, love. Do you want to stay here or do you want to go back to your house?"

Bella shrugged. I took her hand and walked to the music room. We had spent countless hours in here in the past weeks. My love, often begged me to play for her and found it relaxing. So it seemed like a good place to start in finding her some peace.

I quickly found nothing was budging Bella from her apathy. She would respond if asked a direct question but wouldn't offer any thoughts on her own. The only hint she gave to her wishes was that she stuck close to me and won't let Alice or anyone else take her away from my side. So we spent the day together, her with her thumb rubbing my hip and me with my hand on the back of her neck. Those were the spots that we both seemed to touch when we needed to feel a closer connection with each other.

That night Bella took her sleeping pills and had a rough night. Her nightmares were worse than normal and when she wasn't in a nightmare she still spent a lot of time tossing and turning. In the morning she woke looking more tired than when she'd gone to bed. The only reason she ate was because I was there strongly encouraging her to do so. She then sat curled up in my lap staring at the wall.

When Jasper came she clung to my hand and wouldn't let go. I felt awful leaving her, but knew she needed to face her past and her buried emotions. I kissed her forehead and promised to see her as soon as Jasper was done.

When I got home I was met by my whole family in the entrance. I paused reading their thoughts, saw their concern, and was appalled. "I didn't know," I said.

Alice had been nosing around, in true Alice fashion, and wanted to know Bella's schedule for the coming semester and found Bella hadn't enrolled in any classes. The assumption was that since she had planned on killing herself after Paul's trial in February she had no reason to sign up for classes she had no intention on finishing.

I had thought she no longer felt the need to take her life. The idea that it was still a possibility almost brought me to my knees. I knew I couldn't live without her and I didn't know what to do.

Carlisle saw the struggle and heartbreak on my face and grabbed my shoulder. "We will get her through this, Edward. Jasper is aware and is going to be working with her. We have time. It isn't even January yet. We _will_ get her healed."

I looked at him feeling totally helpless. "We have to. I need her."

"We won't let her hurt herself. I promise." Carlisle said with such sincerity I believed him. The rest of my family's thoughts were distraught about Bella taking her life, but just as adamant that they wouldn't let her do so.

I slowly went to my room and sat thinking about my life without Bella in it. I couldn't even breathe the thought had me so upset. How could this girl I'd known four months have such a hold on me. Why was I so surprised she did? I knew that mates were connected closely. It wasn't unusual for mates to die together. Usually if one died in a fight the other would seek out death as it was too hard to continue on with their other half gone.

Before I was even aware an hour and a half passed and my phone rang. I slowly took it out and saw Jasper was calling. I answered and he spoke, "Bella is at home. She doesn't want to come over right now. She really needs you to be there for her. I know the family told you about her not being signed up for classes. Don't talk to her about that right now. I will be talking to her about it soon, but first I need her to get her pent up emotions out. Right now just be there for her. See if you can get her to come over later, but don't push it if she doesn't want to."

I was already running to my car to get to Bella as I listened to Jasper. I thanked him for letting me know he was leaving her and I rushed to get there. When I got to her house I took a deep breath trying to calm down. I knew she needed me to be with her and I needed to push my worries about the coming weeks away.

I walked into her house and gave her the best smile I could manage. Bella was on the couch staring off and didn't even notice me come in. I sat next to her and brushed her hair back. She looked at me with blank eyes. I sucked a breath in; my love already looked like she was dead. My stomach clenched in anxiety.

I whispered, "Are you ok?"

She looked at me with vacant eyes and shook her head.

I sat back on the couch and pulled her onto my lap. I softly brushed her hair and kept telling her how much I loved her, that she was safe and if she needed to cry that she could. She said nothing the entire time but held on to my shirt so tightly I thought it might rip.

We sat for hours when it finally occurred to me that it was after lunch. I gently pushed Bella back slightly so I could see her face. "Hey, it's time to eat. What can I make you for lunch?"

She shook her head.

"Please, Bella. You need to eat something and get stronger for me. Please, love, even if it's just an apple."

"I'll try. My stomach is just tied in knots right now."

I nodded, even though it wasn't something I could exactly relate to. I picked her up, brought her to the kitchen and set her down in a chair while I quickly thought of something to make that would temp her to eat. Bella slowly ate the grilled chicken sandwich I made for her, though I could tell she was having a difficult time swallowing it down.

When she was done I asked if she wanted to go to my house for a bit. Again she gave me a vacant stare and didn't respond. I decided that was enough of a response and brought her to my house hoping being around my family would stir her up a little. Like yesterday she refused to stray far from me, which I was glad of, because I didn't think I would be able to be away from her right now either. We spent the day much like the day before. I either played the piano with her sitting next to me, or we curled up in silence, or with me reciting books, or singing songs for her.

When it was time for Bella to go to sleep that night she didn't want to. She asked if she could stay cuddled on the couch with me. I assured her she could but that sleeping against a hard as stone vampire would not be comfortable and asked if she wanted to sleep in her bed and I would sleep on top of the covers holding her. She agreed and that night I slept holding my angel as she tossed, turned and fought the demons I couldn't fight for her.

The next morning Bella looked terrible. There were dark circles under her eyes and she moved slowly, as if moving through water. When it was time for Jasper to come she clung to me asking me not to go. Normally I would say I would deny my love nothing, but in this I had to let her go. Jasper's thoughts assured me he would go easy on her today while still trying to push her to open up.

On the way home I called Carlisle, who was at work, and let him know what was going on with Bella. I then asked if he thought she should have physical therapy with Emmett today since she was already run down. After thinking for a moment he said to have her try, but that Emmett should keep things light.

Jasper called less than an hour later to let us all know he was on his way with Bella. I sat with her as she did her workout with Emmett and then encouraged her to take a shower afterwards. I felt like she'd given up living and that it was all of us that kept her going. If we hadn't been there to tell her to eat and dress that she wouldn't have done it. Jasper kept assuring me that she was ok. He let me know that the shield she kept around her emotions was breaking and he was getting flashes of pure pain and sadness from her that he'd never gotten before. They were quickly covered back up, but he knew it would only be time, and a short amount at that, before everything burst out. I both looked forward to and dreaded when that would happen.

The rest of the day followed at the previous two had. The only difference was when Bella got her mail when she got home. She received a letter that made her already translucent skin pail more. The grief she'd been holding back showed on her face and for a moment I thought she'd faint. I asked her what the letter was. She shook her head and said it was nothing.

That night I crawled onto her tiny day bed, above the covers and held her. I thought back to the letter she'd gotten and tried to decide if I should read it now that she was asleep. I wanted to know what had upset her so much, but decided in so many things, I had already breached her privacy, I couldn't do it in this as well. I did text a message to Jasper letting him know what had happened.

The next morning Bella looked so fragile I carried her down the stairs once she was dressed and cooked her breakfast while she drank her high calorie vitamin drink. She didn't say anything or hold onto me like she had been doing. When Jasper came she was less clingy to me and I was glad. I didn't think I could have let her go today if she'd asked me to stay. I spent the time away from her standing in my room counting the seconds waiting for her.

I was disconcerted when she got to my house and she barely acknowledged me. Jasper immediately reassured me and reminded me that she was pushing me away because she didn't know how to deal with all the emotions that were stirring under the surface. I quietly followed her as she walked into the conservatory and took a seat staring out of the windows. I didn't want to press myself on her if she didn't want me there so I stood against the wall, where she could see me in the periphery of her vision and stayed quiet.

I stood watching her for two hours and twenty-three minutes when suddenly she bolted out of her seat and looked at me with anguish on her face. "I can't do this anymore."

"What can I do?" I felt so lost. I wanted to take the pain away and it was just something I couldn't do. She needed to reach into herself and pull it all out.

She turned and started walking around the room like a caged wild cat. I stood and watched, waiting for a clue of what I could do to help her. She finally huffed and walked out of the room. I followed and watched her stalk through the house. She was clearly agitated. She didn't talk to anyone, I'm not sure she even noticed anyone was in the rooms she wandered through.

She went to my room and turned to close the door. "Can you give me one minute to change?"

I nodded, confused. I listened to Bella change clothes and when she left my room she was in her workout outfit. I was still confused, but I quietly followed behind her, watched her go to the workout room and step on the treadmill. Without warming up she started running. I wanted to tell her to stop, but looking at her face and the distress there I couldn't. So I stood watching her, wishing, yet again, that I could read her thoughts and know what was going on in her head.

She had been running for more than twenty minutes when Carlisle had had enough and started coming downstairs to stop her. Jasper grabbed his arm and said. "No, let her be."

Carlisle responded. "Jasper, she's burning too many calories. She is too tired and she is going to make herself sick. She is finally making head way with her health and gaining weight. I don't want all that progress to be lost."

Jasper spoke quietly trying to be calm. "I know, but right now she is ready to crack. Let her. Once she finally starts to let it out she will physically heal faster. She needs this, Carlisle."

Carlisle gave in. "Fine, I will let this continue, but we have to have a plan if she wears herself out. I don't want her to end up passing out from complete exhaustion or getting dehydrated."

Jasper quickly thought and started talking. "That might be hard, but we can try. She's on the edge right now and when she finally gives in and lets all those pent up emotions out it may take a long while for her to get through it all. I'm guessin' there'll be lots of tears and hopefully a lot of anger too. Once she starts I don't know that we will be able to stop her, and I don't think it would be a good idea to try. At some point she'll get exhausted and drop. At that point I would suggest a light sedative to keep her out for a few hours and give her a more restful sleep; otherwise, I'm sure her sleep will be troubled. Once she is out we can give her one of her high calorie vitamin drinks."

Carlisle pondered what Jasper suggested and decided it was the best plan we had. "I don't like it, but you're right we have to get her better and that includes her mental and emotional state. I just wish it wasn't so hard to watch." I could hear the anguish and turmoil in Carlisle's thoughts.

"I know. I just hope she has a break through before she runs herself unconscious." Jasper paused and I could see him through Carlisle's eyes suddenly bend over and grasp his knees to prevent himself from falling over.

"Son, are you ok?" Carlisle grabbed Jasper.

"Bella," he gasped out.

I had already been moving towards her as her shoulders had started shaking and she stopped running and was falling off the treadmill. I grabbed her before she could hurt herself and pulled her in my arms. She was breaking down and crying like her whole world had ended. I didn't know what to do so I just held her to me and kept whispering to her that she was ok and that I was there for her. Sometimes she would try to gasp out something, but I couldn't understand her.

I carried her up to my room and sat with her as she gasped for breath while tears poured out of her. I felt so helpless listening to the anguish coming out of her. She clung to me and I hoped on some level my just being there was helpful to her. After a while Bella turned so she was straddling my map and clung to me so tightly I heard her some of her finger nails break against my stone neck, and yet, she cried on.

Esme had come up stairs and left a soft towel to help dry Bella's tears and a glass of water to give her when she finally calmed down. After a seemingly endless amount of time her tears calmed to the point she was no longer chocking to get her breath in. Now I could hear her chanting "they're dead," over and over like the mantra would make it no longer true. I kept hold of her, gently rubbing her back, having nothing to say that could take her pain away.

Finally she pulled her head from my shoulder and looked at me. "They're dead."

I nodded, and brushed her hair back from her tear stricken face.

"I'm all alone now," she whispered.

"No, you aren't. I will never leave you," I said.

"It isn't the same." Her eyes pleaded for me to understand and not be mad, which I could never be.

"No, it isn't, love. It isn't the same, but it's true. You aren't alone. I can't take the place of your parents, but I can help you, my family can help you, find your place now. I know it's hard, but we're all here for you."

She nodded at me and I lightly started cleaning her face up. I handed her the water and she drank it down and curled up against me.

I foolishly thought the storm was over, when suddenly she pushed off of me and started pacing and gesticulating sharply. She turned to me and yelled out. "He took them from me! He made me kill them! He tortured me, then kept waking me up to torture me again." She took a breath and kept going. "And then they! Those assholes took from me the only think I wanted to give to my future husband. They drugged and raped me. They fucked my body up and made it respond even though I was being ripped to shreds inside!"

She kept pacing wildly, ranting and swearing. I had never seen my love like this. She was manic and I was concerned. The only thing that kept me from grabbing her and giving her a strong sedative was Jasper's thoughts trying to calm me and tell me this was a good thing for her to get out.

Then she saw my shelves full of items and went over and started throwing things while she screamed and cussed. I felt lost. I didn't know what to do with a weeping sobbing Bella, but this whirling dervish was beyond anything I could handle. I'd never heard Bella swear before, but the range, and frankly the creativity, of what was coming out of her mouth would be impressive under other circumstances, but with this wild frustration it had me worried.

Finally she wore herself out and started to collapse. I was at her side before she could hit the ground and hurt herself on the debris there. She was weeping again and barely able to draw in a breath through her sorrow. I held her as she clung to me. I had no idea how such a small slip of a thing could have so much pent up emotion in her and still have the energy to let it out.

The sun had set and I softly asked her if she wanted to lie down. Her cries were lessening and I knew she would soon fall asleep. Before she could, though, I wanted to give her some headache medicine, for the headache I could only imagine she had to have, and some strong sleeping pills.

Carlisle quietly slipped in and set out what I needed and also left a high calorie drink. I grimaced, but agreed she'd burned more calories in the last four hours that she did in a normal day. I carried her to the bed and quietly explained what I was giving her. Instead of asking further questions as she normally did when it came to medicine, she took them without comment. The exhaustion lining her face made me wince, though, I knew the opening up was important, I wish it wasn't at such a detriment to her health.

I asked her if she wanted to go to sleep. She simply nodded and I pulled the covers back to let her in and lay on top as I normally did, but she stopped me. "No, please sleep with me?" she asked with a raspy voice.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and I crawled under the covers, thankful I had an electric blanket on high so I wouldn't freeze my love. She pulled me closer until I was on top of her.

"Bella, no, I'm too heavy."

"Please," she pleaded.

I sighed and stayed on top of her, but tried to place as much of my weight off to the side as I could. She clung to me and in ten breaths she was asleep. I tried to move off her then and she held me tighter. I placed my head next to hers and settled in to just watch her.

Soon my family came into my room to clean the mess up that Bella had made. Emmett couldn't shut up about how impressed he was with Bella's temper and of use of profanity. Finally Rose smacked him and he quieted down.

Esme sat on the bed next to Bella and kept brushing her hair, needing to see she was ok after her breakdown. Jasper came over by us and said. "I know it was a lot to take in, but I couldn't have asked for more from her. She can finally heal now. I was scared for a bit she would just cry, but she let some of her anger out. Yeah, she blamed herself for some things, but now that the emotions are out she can move forward and heal, learning she wasn't responsible."

I let a deep breath out and tried again to move off Bella who only clung harder to me. Jasper laughed. "Don't try. She's an emotional wreck right now and needs to feel as much of you as she can. She is pressed against the bed with you covering her, in her subconscious there isn't a safer place she can be. You're protecting her from everything. She won't get hurt."

"Will she remember everything in the morning?" I asked.

"She should. She'll also be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. She's repressed for so long; now that she's opening her emotions up they will pop up all the time. Don't get to upset if you do something and she cries, everything will be setting her off."

"Like her nails! I heard them breaking!" Alice said as she came bounding over with a bag of . . . stuff.

"Are you serious? You're going to give her a makeover now?" I said in exasperation.

Alice rolled her eyes. "No, I'm going to fix her nails."

My family was done cleaning up my room and Alice sat on the bed filing and doing girlie things to Bella's fingers. She glanced at me and thought, _you need to take her out you know. I know you were planning on it; she needs to get out and do normal. _

I thought out what I was going to reply so she knew my answer without my actually saying it. _Don't you think she needs a bit of a break after today?" ***  
_

Alice considered, _no, I don't. She's closed herself up and hasn't gone anywhere. She isn't going to church, she hasn't gone to the hospital to see the kids she always spent time with, and she needs to do normal things again. Slowly get back into the swing of life._

I thought about what she said and she was right, Bella went nowhere. Maybe a quiet night, just the two of us somewhere would do her good. Getting her back to church was important for her as well. I decided that I would take Alice's advice.

Alice laughed and clapped. _Perfect! I will take her shopping in the next few days and find the perfect outfit for her. I know you won't let her out of your site to go out right now so you have to come with._

She was right. I didn't think I could let my mate go out in public without me right now. She was too fragile. The idea of shopping with Alice, though, was daunting. _Fine, two stores and that's it. We are not going on a marathon. ***  
_

She pouted, but knew she wouldn't win. She finished doing whatever she needed to do to Bella's nails and left. I spent the night on top of Bella, trying to ignore the erection I had from being in such a position and watched silent tears fall from her eyes.

She woke slowly in the morning and looked at me in confusion. "Hey, my love. How do you feel?" I whispered and moved off of her while keeping my arm tight around her ribs.

I watched her search her memories of the previous night and saw the contrition for everything that happened. Before she could start apologizing I spoke up. "Don't worry. Everything's ok. Nothing that got broken was anything important or that I cared about in the slightest. As for your crying and anger, I was glad to see it, you needed to get it out so don't apologize for that either. I don't want to hear any 'I'm sorry's' from you. For anything. Promise me."

Bella took a deep breath, I could tell she wanted to fight me on it, but gave in instead. "Thank you for being there for me."

I smiled. "Always."

* * *

Deep Breath! aagggghhhhh. Did you make it through? I know, trust me I know. It was a lot of chapter with all sads and no fun, but that's what Edward was seeing and feeling. I tried to show his helplessness and how watching it dragged him down. Now understand, Bella needed this catharsis, but she won't have another chapter like this. I promise! Yes she will be crying a lot and angry in the coming weeks but she won't break like this again. The wound is open and bleeding and Jasper won't let her close it until it is healed this time. I promise!

*** These sections where Edward was thinking his reply to Alice. I had show, a year ago!, that Edward and Alice communicate telepathically in my story sometimes. It was a long time ago that they did it and it was explained, so if you forgot it's all ok!

Thank you Nissa and Ronnie for your support and thoughts.

Lastly, I should be posting the first chapter to my new story this week. It is completely different in scope and substance. There is a lot of sex and vulgarity, with plot. I am just letting people know if they want to check it out, though if you are looking for sweet and romantic you'll be disappointed so I understand if you give it a pass. This story is my priority and will still be posting every other Tues, and my other story as I can.


	40. Moving Forward

Chapter 40 – Moving Forward

Bella and I stayed in bed together for a while the morning after her melt down. I could tell she was still exhausted from purging all her emotions, but I could also see a peace in her eyes I had never seen before. Eventually her stomach grumbled, and I nudged her asking what she'd like to eat. When she shrugged, I called down to Esme to ask her to make anything. Bella got out of bed and took a shower.

When she was done, I lead her to my sitting area. Bella's eyes were still a bit misty. I doubted she wanted to go downstairs quite yet and see my whole family. Jasper came in with a plate of eggs, toast, sausage and a glass of juice for Bella, sitting down for a moment.

Jasper looked at Bella and smiled. "You made quite the break through last night. I think this morning you can have a break and no therapy."

Bella gave Jasper a soft mile. I leaned over and kissed the top of her head letting her know how proud and happy I was for her.

Jasper chuckled and stood up. "I'll just leave you two alone."

Bella ate her breakfast and we talked about insignificant things. Sometimes I could see her start to choke up. I could see her thinking of her past, but she stayed in control.

I knew I shouldn't push her. I knew she needed a day to rest after the night she'd had, but all I could think about was how she wasn't signed up for classes next semester. I worried about the idea of her taking her precious life. When there was another pause in our conversation, I leaned over and took both her hands in mine.

"Bella, I know you are a bit out of sorts right now, after last night, but I need to ask you something that's been troubling me. I want you to be as open and honest as you can, but I need to understand."

Bella's brow furrowed and, her heart sped up. "Ok," she breathed out.

I took a deep breath. "Alice was being her usual nosey self and was checking class schedules for next semester." Bella sucked a deep breath in, and her eyes widened. I nodded at her. "Please, talk to me. I just want to know what is going on. Alice had seen last year and early this year that you planned on killing yourself; I assume some time after Paul's trial. Are you still planning to?"

Bella looked away and took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. "It isn't that simple." She turned and looked at me. "Edward, understand that it isn't that I'm planning on taking my life right now, but that for so long there was nothing left for me afterwards. I guess I just haven't thought about life past that. Everything I have in me has been about getting to that last trail, to the point where I no longer have to think about what happened. I never saw a point to being here after that.

"Edward, I should have died with my parents. I was meant to. I shouldn't be here; it isn't fair, it isn't right. All I wanted to do was correct the imbalance, to finish the job Riley didn't. I know as a Christian, I shouldn't ever consider suicide as an option, but I never really thought of it that way. Everything inside of me was already dead. I was just killing my body, which hadn't followed the rest of me that was already dead.

"Then you and your family came along. Suddenly parts of me that had died came back to life. I felt a spark that shouldn't have been there. I admit there was a part of me that hated you for that, even though it felt good to feel again.

"When it came time to sign up for classes again, I just ignored it. It isn't that I want to die anymore, but I don't know that I deserve to live. I don't want to be away from you, I don't want to cause you pain, but I haven't lived in three years. I don't know how to _want_ to anymore."

The whole time Bella spoke, we were holding hands, but I couldn't stand to only be touching her that way. I reached over, giving her plenty of opportunity to object, and pulled her on my lap. I carded my hand through her hair and kissed her gently on her forehead. "I can't say I understand, not really, but I am glad a part of you isn't actively embracing death. Just promise me you won't do anything drastic before you tell me."

She nodded.

Downstairs my family was listening to our conversation, all vested in Bella's future. Their thoughts were crashing over me. I focused on Jasper and his thoughts, which reassured me that he would be talking to Bella about her concerns, showing her she had plenty to live for and that she was meant to live and not die.

The next morning, Bella was eating breakfast and chatting with Esme when Alice came bounding in. Before I could stop her, she looked at me and said. "Edward, you look terrible. When was the last time you fed?"

I growled at her. "I'm fine."

Bella turned and looked at me. Alice's thoughts let me know that she purposely had said something in front of Bella, knowing Bella would get upset and make me go feed. "Are you sure?" Bella asked. "Your eyes are almost black, maybe you should go feed."

I brushed her hair back. "I promise I'm ok." If I was being honest, I knew I needed to feed, but everything with Bella had been so up in the air, I didn't want to leave her for any amount of time in case she needed me. I knew that emotionally she was still not settled, and I wanted to be there for her.

Alice huffed. "No, you aren't fine. You need to feed. Emmett and Jasper are bored and need something to do. Go feed and come back. Bella can spend the day with me. We need girl time." She looked at Bella, put and arm around her shoulder and gave her a winning smile.

Bella rolled her eyes and slipped out of Alice's embrace. She placed a hand on my cheek. "Please, Edward, I know it is difficult to be around me. I don't want you to be in more pain than you have to be. If you go now you can be back for tonight, when I really need you."

I searched her eyes and saw that she wasn't just trying to convince me, and meant what she said. "I can just go grab a quick deer not far from here and be back in an hour or two. I don't have to go far and spend the day out."

Bella worried her lip as she thought. "No, she said. I want you to go out with your brothers and have some fun. I know that I'll miss you, but you need more than a quick deer. You wouldn't let me get away with the diet you are talking about. I'll be here with your family, nothing will happen to me, and I promise I'll call you if I need you."

I knew in my head everything she said was correct, but my heart was telling me something different. I also knew I needed to let Bella find herself on her own, that she couldn't use me as a crutch if she truly wanted to heal. "Promise you'll call me if you need me. I'll have my cell on me, and it gets reception wherever we'll be. I want you to try and nap too. I have some cd's I've made with me singing or reading, maybe they'd help you sleep. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Bella rolled her eyes. "Edward, you're my boyfriend, not my dad. I don't need you to treat me like a baby and tell me when I need to nap. I can take care of myself. I promise."

I knew she was right. She was able to take care of herself, and I definitely didn't feel fatherly towards her, but I also was incredibly protective. There was little I could do to turn that urge off. "You're right. Just promise me to call if you need me, even if it is for something little."

She smiled and stood on her tip toes. I bent down to meet her lips. "I promise."

I gave Alice a look, letting her know to keep Bella safe and to call me if there was a problem.

She thought out, _I promise. If anything happens, I will call you immediately._

I gave her a nod, kissed Bella one more time and found my brothers to go hunting. As much as I felt the pull to go back to Bella and be with her, a part of me was excited to let my inner monster out. For a long time I had had him caged up to protect Bella. He hadn't gotten out to run free for hours in a long time. I still felt the burn when with Bella, and there were times when we were together I could feel him testing to see if he could take over.

I came home early evening feeling better. I'd missed Bella terribly, and there was a burning in me to see and touch her, but my monster was satisfied. I found Bella at the computer in the den. I came up behind her and wrapped her in my arms, kissing her cheek. "Hey, love. How was your day?"

She turned and smiled at me. "It was ok. Alice kept me busy doing girl stuff," she said making a face. I laughed, knowing girl stuff wasn't Bella's idea of a good time. "No, stop laughing. I had fun. I mean, ok I don't normally get my toe nails painted, but it was nice just talking to a girl and acting like a normal person."

I brushed my lips across her forehead. "I understand. Did you get any sleep?"

She scrunched up her nose. "No, but I did try, Dad. I promise."

I kissed her nose. "I'm not your dad. I just worry. So what are you doing now?" I glanced at her computer and saw rental properties on it.

Bella pulled slightly away from me. I tried to push the panic in me down; all the properties she was looking at were in Seattle, so she wasn't leaving me. "I'm just looking at what's out there."

She couldn't meet my eyes. I turned the chair and squatted down so I was eye level with her. "Bella, we promised to never lie to each other. There may be things we aren't able to talk about, but we aren't ever supposed to lie."

Bella started crying. I pulled her into my arms as she wept telling me how she was sorry, that she didn't mean to lie, and that she still loved me. I rocked her gently and told her I still loved her more than anything. I really was at a loss with how to deal with such an emotional Bella; she was so different from what I was used to. I knew it would take time for her emotions to level out after she'd suppressed them for so long, but until then I needed to be a support for her.

When she'd finally finished crying and gotten control again I gently moved her so I could see her face. "Can you now tell me what's going on?"

Bella glanced at me and then down at her fidgeting fingers. "I need to move," she whispered.

"Why? What happened?"

"I rent the house I'm staying at from a sweet little old lady. She died and her family would like to sell the property. My lease is up in January and I was going to rent month to month as long as I needed, but I don't have a formal agreement."

I nodded. "Ok, that makes sense. Why are you looking for a place to stay? We have plenty of room here."

Bella's fidgeting increased. "I couldn't do that."

I thought through the obvious reasons that I assumed she meant for why she couldn't live her, but it made sense to me. "Why couldn't you? I know the whole family would love to have you here." My whole family had stopped doing everything they had been doing and were listening to our conversation. Rose was sitting on Emmett who was all for going to Bella's house tonight o pack her up and move her in.

"I can't just move in here. That wouldn't be right."

"Because we aren't married?"

Bella nodded. "That's part of it. I can't live with someone before I'm married. I'm still Christian, even if I'm not pure – "

I cut her off before she could go further. "Stop it! You are pure. You're pure and innocent. What was taken from you doesn't count. Your virginity is more than just a hymen. I'm not saying that what you went through wasn't horrific or that it doesn't affect you. I am saying that to me, you are still pure. Nothing those monsters did could truly take that from you. Not in my eyes."

Bella started softly crying again and I wiped the tears from her face as they fell. "I still can't take that step and live in sin."

I nodded. "I can't either. Love, I'm from a time when you didn't do more than give chaste kisses to your intended before marriage. I still feel that way. I'm not asking you to move in so we can have sex. As much as I want to, I know I'm not ready."

"I know you won't pressure me, but it still feels wrong."

I tried to decide if I wanted to push her further. I didn't want to make her feel she needed to move in, but I did want to understand her thoughts. "You know I spend every night with you now. We are together all the time, except for your therapy. I don't want to force you to move in; I just want to understand."

Bella was quiet for a long moment when she finally looked up at me. "It wouldn't be fair to all of you. I feel bad enough coming here so much. This is your sanctuary away from humans; I can't take that from you all."

I laughed. "It's not like that. This is a place where we can be ourselves. We can do that with you here. You don't care if we move with super speed or if Emmett uses his strength to do something. You're a part of our family already. Everyone thinks so. Right now, they are all up stairs waiting for you to decide to move in. You don't have to. Please, if you are not comfortable I understand, but please don't think that we don't want you here."

Bella searched my eyes and then snuggled down into my arms. I knew she was trying to think through everything and make sure she was alright with whatever decision she made. I was doing my best to ignore Emmett who was bouncing around like Tigger on speed, hoping Bella would decide to move in.

Finally she looked up at me. "Can I think about it?"

"Of course, there's no rush, this will or won't happen as you want it to. If in the end you don't want to move in, we will help you find a place. Same with me, if you start to get uncomfortable with me being with you as you sleep, let me know."

She slightly blushed and whispered. "I don't think that will happen."

I smiled and leaned over to kiss her. I truly loved Bella, and the idea of her moving in with me caused my unbeating heart to twitch.

The week moved on, and Bella adjusted to having all of her emotions out. Sometimes she would blow up at something inconsequential. She never lost her temper to the point of yelling, but you could see that she was angry. Other times she would break out crying, and I didn't know why. As aggravating as these emotional breakdowns could be, I cherished each one knowing it meant she was letting out emotions that she needed to.

Friday arrived and Bella spent the afternoon in Alice's room getting ready for our date. I spent the afternoon nervous in my room, hoping I found a good date, and that Bella would be happy.

When Bella emerged from Alice's room, my breath caught. My angel looked beautiful. Her hair was down and curled in light waves. She was dressed in a purple dress that skimmed her knees and showed her beautiful body without being risqué in any way.

"You're beautiful," I said.

She blushed. "Thank you."

"Are you ready, my love?"

She nodded. I held my arm out, and Bella placed her hand on it. "Where are we going?"

I smiled as I helped her into the car. "That my dear, is for me to know and you to find out."

We drove in silence holding hands. I loved so much about Bella, but one of my favorite things was that I could drive in silence with her. I didn't hear her thoughts and I could feel normal. Soon we arrived at The Carl S. English Botanical Garden. There was a small indoor pavilion that I directed us to.

Bella looked at me. "Why are we here?"

I smirked and kissed her. "Because you deserve to be surrounded by beauty." I grabbed a blanket and picnic basket before collecting Bella from the car. "I thought I would take you to dinner. It's a traditional date, and it couldn't hurt to do something traditional in our otherwise untraditional courtship. I know you don't want to go a restaurant and have me watch you eat, so I thought this was a nice compromise."

She gave me a brilliant smile. "I love you, Edward."

I kissed the top of her head. "And I you, my angel."

I opened the door, and Bella looked around. "Are we here alone?"

"Yes, I wanted you to myself. I called and made some inquiries." _And a sizable donation._ I mentally added.

We walked around for a bit and talked about what we all saw. I loved listening to Bella and watching her facial expressions as she found a flower she found that pleased her. I stored all the information away, planning on making sure she had fresh flowers around her as often as I could.

When we were done looking around, I set the blanket out, pulled Bella onto my lap, and started pulling out what I'd brought. Knowing she didn't want me to sit and just watch her eat I had decided to pack many finger foods I could personally serve her.

I started with some grapes, and then moved onto some cut up turkey. When she got thirsty, I opened a bottle of sparkling grape juice and served it to her in a crystal wine glass. As the evening continued, I pulled more finger foods out for her until she couldn't eat any more. Watching Bella eat from my hand was one of the most erotic things I had experienced. The first time she hummed in pleasure I almost lost myself.

After I packed everything away, Bella stayed in my lap and we talked and laughed. I wished we could stay as we were forever. I had never seen Bella so relaxed and open. I already knew she was beautiful, but that night she shown, and I was mesmerized.

We had been sitting quietly for a bit when Bella wiggled in my lap and turned so she was facing me. Her lips met mine, and I sighed. I let her lead, and for the first time, she took the initiative to deepen our kiss to be more than she'd ever done before. I moaned as her tongue slipped out and licked my bottom lip. I opened my mouth partially, and she took advantage. Soon our tongues, lips and breath were mingling. I listened to her heart race, felt her little hands pull at my hair, and knew what heaven was.

She pulled back to catch her breath, and I held her tight. "Edward," she breathed.

"Hmm?"

"Remember when we talked, that you wouldn't do anything to me that I didn't do to you first."

"Yes." I wondered where she was going with this.

"Well I was wondering; does it work on both sides?"

I tried to figure out what she was talking about and couldn't. "Work on both sides? What do you mean, love?"

I looked down and saw she was blushing bright red. "If I kiss your right cheek." She leaned up and brushed her lips lightly against my cheek. "Do I have to also kiss your left cheek or does kissing one cheek count for both?" She looked down demurely.

I kissed her right cheek and hummed. "You definitely need to kiss both. I would hate to assume I had more liberties than I do." I imagined the sweet torture I was letting myself in for.

She started worrying her lip. "I'm just worried I'll do something wrong, or that you won't like."

I rubbed my thumb on her cheek. "I don't know what I'll like either. We're both in the same boat. This is our first time for everything, and neither of us will know until we try. Both of us need to be open and honest with each other. If you do something I really like, I'll tell you. If you do something I don't like, which I can't imagine, I'll tell you. You have to do the same for me."

She looked at me and tentatively brushed her lips across mine. Then she came back with more assurance and deepened the kiss. Slowly her tongue entered my mouth, and soon our tongues were entwined in the sweetest of dances. No blood on earth could be as sweet as Bella's lips and mouth.

After an eternity of bliss, her lips pulled from mine and softly traced a line up across my cheek, then placed a gentle kiss over my closed eye. She pulled back slightly, and I stayed exactly as I was with my hands on her hips, waiting to see what she would do now. I didn't have to wait long before I felt a soft moist lick on the shell of my ear. I hummed in pleasure which must have given her encouragement, because she came back to nibble on the shell of my ear with much less hesitancy than she had been showing until then.

Bella continued mapping and learning the right side of my face with her mouth, tongue and teeth when suddenly she licked a spot just under and behind my ear that caused my breath to hitch and my body to tense. She pulled back. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, do it again." I felt, more than saw, her smile. She leaned in finding the spot again, and set to work giving me intense pleasure. Somehow she'd found a spot that had a direct line to my groin, and if she kept nibbling and sucking on that spot I was sure I was going have a mess in my pants.

I was so lost in the pleasure she was giving me, it took a moment before I noticed she'd pulled away from me. I opened my eyes and looked at her. "You're amazing." I couldn't imagine how much courage she had to have worked up to do what she'd been doing for the better part of an hour. Her flushed cheeks and swollen lips made me groan. She was so beautiful and unearthly, I didn't know how I'd been blessed with a mate as wonderful as her.

"Uhm, Edward?" she asked tentatively.

"What, love?"

She wiggled a bit. "Can you loosen your grip on my hips?"

I instantly pulled my hands back and cursed myself. I had been so involved with the pleasure she was giving me, I had lost the grip on my control. I was clutching her hips incredibly hard, and I know because of me she would have bruises. The pleasurable bubble I had been in was shattered.

"I am so sorry. I won't . . . I didn't mean . . . please forgive me." I was at a loss of what to tell her. I tried to get up and put distance between us but every time I moved, Bella moved with me not letting me get away.

"Edward, stop!" She practically shouted. I froze and looked at her, not knowing what I was supposed to do, what she wanted from me. She gently reached up and brushed her hand over my cheek. "Stop, my love, I'm not broken. I'm just fine. Remember you told me we need to communicate with each other. That won't work if I communicate with you, and you go into a panic. I'm not as fragile as you think I am. You didn't break anything, and I will be fine."

She continued giving me reassurances, and slowly I was able to relax some of the tension running through me. "I'm sorry," I whispered. She started to speak, but I continued. "No, I am sorry. I vowed to never harm you. I broke that promise."

She looked down and started to cry softly. I felt like the cruelest monster. How could so much have gone wrong in the last five minutes? She looked up at me. "Do you not want me anymore?"

"No, Bella. God no! I still want you with all that I am. I just need to make sure I am always in control; I can never forget you are human and how much stronger I am." I brushed her hair back. "I love you so much, and knowing I caused you even slight pain, rips my dead heart in two. All it means is that I have to make sure I don't lose myself in your all encompassing touch. We can do it. I know we can."

Bella nodded and snuggled into my lap. I held her, vowing again I won't cause her pain.

* * *

I am so sorry for the huge break in posting. Literally my whole computer life freaked out. I have lost my entire story, my internet is almost gone and I have a few other issues. So yeah this chapter is late, but seriously I was almost to the point of giving up entirely for a while. On the plus side I had a revelation on a story line Iw as going to cut and am excited. I want to get this story done and have decided to make a writing schedule and I hope to get it finished as soon as I can. Saying that there are probably 10ish chapters left, give or take.

The botanical garden I listed is real, but I don't know if they do have a pavilion, I'm just assuming.

Thank to Ronnie and Nissa for your time comments and support!


	41. A Time of Healing

Chapter 41 – A Time of Healing

After we had gotten home from our date and Bella had fallen asleep, I quickly walked downstairs to talk to Carlisle about what had happened and see if he had any ideas on how I could better keep control. I hated leaving Bella for even a short time, but I was keeping track of her heartbeat, so I would know if she started to have a nightmare. I really wanted to talk to Carlisle, and this wasn't a conversation I could have while Bella was around.

Alice stopped me as I reached the bottom of the stairs. "So how did your date go?"

I smirked at her. "Like you don't know."

She scrunched up her nose. "I don't know. I talked to Bella about letting me look at her future now that we know everything, but she asked me not to for a while. I'm still in the dark with her, and that means you as well, since you two are always together!" Alice was whining, but I knew it came from genuinely wanting to make sure Bella was ok.

I hugged Alice to me. "Bella enjoyed herself, and other than a small mishap we had a great time. I'm sure you'll be able to gossip with her about it in the morning."

Alice smiled and bounced off to find Jasper. I watched her go and felt a moment of envy that her relationship was so much simpler than mine was. Then I thought of the beauty tucked in my bed waiting for me, and knew I wouldn't change anything at all.

I found Carlisle in his study looking over a medical journal, doing more research on malnutrition and ways to help Bella get back to health as safely as possible.

I sat on a chair next to his desk. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

He set his book aside. "Of course, Edward, what can I do for you?"

"I'm looking for suggestions on how to keep control of myself when in unfamiliar circumstances."

Carlisle nodded slowly. "Did something happen on your date?"

I gave an abrupt nod. "Bella and I were kissing; I forgot myself and held her hips too hard. She won't admit it, but I could smell blood under the surface of her skin from broken blood vessels. I bruised her." I said completely ashamed.

He switched directly to Doctor mode. "Is she ok? Should I give her a quick examination tomorrow?"

I shook my head. "No, it would only embarrass her further. I know I didn't damage her further than bruises, but even that is unacceptable. I didn't mean to obviously, but I was lost in the moment and didn't notice how tightly I had started grabbing her."

He nodded slowly, giving the quandary his total attention. I listened to his thoughts as they circled around and he discarded multiple ideas. Finally he spoke his ideas as they solidified. "I think the fact you are willing to masturbate is a good step. It will help you get used to such completely alien sensations. It won't be enough on its own though; you need to find a way to make sure you are able to keep control during the experience."

I nodded, thinking. "What if I held something, like a balloon in my hand? Obviously if it pops I would be using too much pressure and losing control."

Carlisle considered. "That might work, but don't assume it is a perfect solution. When you are masturbating you are in control of the touches you are getting and the amount of sensation. You won't have the same amount of control with Bella, but it is a good place to start."

I thanked him and ran upstairs so I could watch over my love as she slept. If someone had asked me one year ago if I would willingly give up every night of my existence to watch a human sleep, I would have laughed at them. Never would I image the peace I found while watching my love sleep. My family joked about how I was so whipped that I spent the night bored watching Bella, but nothing could be further from the truth. No, I spent the night with my love in my arms, staring at her beauty that was magnified when the troubles of the day receded from her face, as the peace of sleep overcame her. While she lay sleeping, I dreamed of all the things I wanted to do with her, all the places I wanted to take her and all the things I wanted to introduce her to. Every night she would have nightmares, and I alone could calm her and get her back to sleep. Sleeping with my angel was one of my greatest joys.

Things slowly started settling into a routine. Most nights Bella stayed at my house, and in the morning Esme would prepare her breakfast. Afterwards both of them would clean up together. I knew Esme didn't need the help, but they both bonded over doing simple homey things together.

Then Bella would spend time with Jasper. He would either drive her to her house, or they would go out and do something together. He made a point of making sure no one heard their sessions, and anything we learned came from Bella as she wanted us to know. To respect her privacy, I did my best to stay out of Jasper's head, and if he was thinking about her I would nudge him so he stopped. Most of the time Bella seemed open and shared what she talked about with Jasper, but I knew there were some things that were too difficult to talk about yet. I never pushed her to say more than she wanted to.

When she was finished talking to Jasper, she would head to the workout room and spend time with Emmett and Rose. Emmett and Bella together were a force to be reckoned with. As Bella was healing emotionally, her feisty side was coming out more often and together they caused a lot of innocent trouble. Emmett was in his glory, finally having someone he could play and cause pranks with. Bella got away with everything she pulled because she was so innocent and small that she easily caught us all unaware, which was proven when she managed to slip a whoopee cushion under the cushion on Carlisle's desk chair. Emmett actually bowed down and pretended to worship her, as he had been trying to pull something on Carlisle for more than five decades and hadn't managed to.

The only reason that Bella's therapy time with Emmett didn't dwindle into complete play time is that Rose was there to keep them on track. Emmett was heard whining, "Awe, but Rosie," at least ten times a session. I had come to have an appreciation for Rose that I'd never had before. She was determined to make sure Bella could defend herself if she was in a situation where she needed to. I avoided the house often during their training times, as my protective instincts were almost over powering. I could think through the logic that Emmett and Rose wouldn't hurt Bella, but the monster wasn't given to rational thought and needed to protect his mate.

On days that Bella didn't do physical therapy, she would usually go with Rose to the woman's shelter. Alice had taken to going with them as well. Jasper was very happy with this turn of events, and said Bella was finding healing in being around women she could relate to, and she was finding understanding that she wasn't alone in what she went through. I was so proud of my love. It didn't surprise me a bit that she was finding healing by helping others.

When Bella was done working out she would eat lunch and chat with Esme. I couldn't describe the peace I found coming home, after from all the terrible images in my head of Bella being tortured, to seeing the two most important women in my life sitting quietly talking about all manner of things. I would slip in the room, grab Bella's hand, and join them in whatever they were talking about.

The afternoons had become a tossup. Everyone wanted more time with Bella, and I never knew what was going to happen. Sometimes we had family time and did something with everyone. Sometimes she went off with Alice to go shopping or other girl type things. But more often than not, we spent time together alone. We would do anything and everything. My worries that my family would take Bella from me were completely unfounded; she wanted and needed me as much as I wanted and needed her.

Our days continued in this cycle with few variations. I watched my angel heal both physically and emotionally. She still had break downs and a few bursts of anger, but over all her emotional state was finding a new balance.

Bella was back to going to Bible study and church. I always went with her. I could tell from the thoughts of those present that they noticed the change in Bella and were happy for her. We hadn't had any conversations about souls and whether I had one or not, but I did find a lot to think about it in the study when I went. I slowly was coming to wonder if I did have a soul, and what it might mean if I did.

Bella adjusted to being with vampires all the time incredibly easily. In fact, I think she had fun living with us and seeing us use super human abilities. She got a kick out of watching us wrestle, had a blast when we played baseball, laughed until she almost had an accident when we had a snowball fight, and had the time of her life when we played capture the flag, using her as the flag of course. I was on the verge of a panic attack for the entire capture the flag game, but my love had the time of her life.

Today was the weekend before classes started. Alice in her usual pixie way managed to get Bella's and my class schedule to match. We were either in the same class or had class at the same time. Part of me felt like I was a high schooler again, wanting to be in my girlfriends every class, but it was more than that. I knew Bella was still uncomfortable being around a lot of males, and I wanted to be there for her in any way I could. I also admitted that any time apart from Bella wore on me and I was happy to be able to spend as much time as possible with her.

We were at Bella's house right now. She was in the kitchen with Esme having tea, while my siblings and I packed for her. Bella had finally decided to move in with us, after much consideration and whining by Emmett and Alice. I wasn't worried that she was doing something she didn't truly want to, as we had set many ground rules for our new living arrangements. In many ways, she was more of a roommate than a live in girlfriend, and we both liked it that way.

Bella had tried to help pack, but soon discovered that having a coven of vampires do the packing for you moved things along considerably. She finally threw her hands up and went to the kitchen where Esme was waiting for her. I was amazed at how little Bella really had. I knew that she had declared bankruptcy, but seeing all of her worldly possessions packed into three boxes and two suitcases drove home the fact more than anything else could have. It didn't help that Alice had managed to throw away some of Bella's clothes before I figured out what she was doing and stopped her.

I came downstairs carrying one of Bella's suitcases and went in the kitchen and kissed the top of her head. "How are you doing, love? I think we have you all packed and ready to go."

She grimaced up at me. "Seriously, what would you vampires do if you had to do everything at human speed and ability? I mean, really, was it necessary to have me packed in under twenty minutes."

I could see by the glimmer in her eye that she was teasing, so I bent down and kissed her lips. "What fun would that be? The faster we're done here, the faster we can get home and have fun."

She quirked an eyebrow at me. "Good, I've been wanting to play capture the Bella again."

If it could have, I'm sure my face would have gone completely pale. The only time we'd played the game I'd spent all my time worrying about Bella I hadn't helped my team at all. "I'm sure we can find something infinitely more interesting to do."

Emmett came bounding down the stairs. "We're playing capture the Bella?" He swept down and grabbed her, hefting her over his shoulder and shouted. "I win!"

Bella shrieked and laughed while pounding on Emmett's back. "Put me down. We aren't playing right now doofus!"

Esme came over and grabbed at Bella. "Put her down Emmett. She isn't a piece of luggage."

The only thing that kept me sane was knowing, Emmett would give his right arm before he harmed Bella, and I knew she wasn't in the least bit scared. I still hit him in the back of the head. "Don't throw Bella around like that."

Emmett rolled his eyes at me, then sat down at the kitchen table across from Bella and got a completely serious look on his face. "Bella, I'm confused and need your help."

Bella smirked. "This should be good. What can I do for you Emmy?"

"Ok, so I'm not human."

"Really?"

"Shut it. I haven't slept in years, but isn't the point of sleeping being able to spread out and relax?"

Bella looked confused. "I guess so."

Emmett nodded. "So why are you sleeping in that tiny bed when there is a huge bed in the room next to it?"

Bella shook her head. "Are you serious?" At Emmett's nod she continued. "I cannot believe I am justifying my sleeping arrangements to a vampire that doesn't sleep! I slept in the smaller bed because it is the same size as the bed I had at home, and I never felt the need to move to a bigger bed for just me."

Emmett gave what she said deep consideration, for him that is, before replying. "Honestly, seems to me that bigger is better, and I need room to move around. I'm glad you're with Eddie now, so that you get a bigger bed if nothing else."

Rose came up and smacked Emmett on the back of his head. "Bella, I think we have everything. If you want to take a quick look to see if there's anything we missed we can head out."

Bella left to go look around and Esme looked at what we were all carrying. "The poor girl. I knew she didn't have much, but I can't believe how little she has. I know she won't take gifts, but we have to make sure she has everything she needs."

I agreed and made a mental note to pay attention to humans, to make sure there was nothing Bella might need that I was missing. I knew my love would never complain or ask for anything.

When Bella got back to our house, Alice grabbed her and ran her up to her room, so she could start making Bella prefect for the party tonight. There was a Beta party welcoming everyone back for the new semester. Bella had agreed to go, but I could feel the tension building in her. I admit, now that I knew what had happened to her at a frat party, I was on edge as well, even though I knew nothing like that would ever happen at the Beta house.

Bella had been cooped up with Alice for hours when she finally emerged. I was so proud of my love. I had heard her argue multiple times about what she would and wouldn't wear. I think she truly was the only person that could stand up to Alice and make it stick. Of course, Bella giving in and allowing Alice to watch Bella's future all night helped calm the pixie and put her in a much more agreeable mood.

When she emerged, my breath hitched. She was a vision. She had a pair of tight fighting black jeans that showed her body, while still underweight, was no longer malnourished. She wore a yellow tank top and an open black button up, with small yellow flowers in a swirls pattern over. The front of her hair was held back with a clip so you could see her expressive face that was lightly covered in make-up that only accentuated her inner beauty.

I walked her to the car and was surprised when Emmett and Rose got in the back. Usually Emmett drove himself as he wanted to stay at these parties much later than I did. A quick search of his thoughts showed me he was going to fully support Bella and didn't care how long we stayed.

When we pulled up to the house you could hear the music going and the thoughts of the people inside let me know that many were already drunk or well on their way to being so.

I opened Bella's door and held her hand in mine. I had no plans on letting go at any point in the evening. Rose came up and hooked her arm through Bella's arm that I wasn't holding. "Listen, Bella, we've worked hard. I know you are able to protect yourself. You won't be left alone tonight, but on the off chance something happens, and we aren't around, remember what I've told you. I promise you are strong enough to take out a threat if you need to." I could read that Rose had her doubts that Bella could take on any guy, but wanted to give Bella confidence. She knew there was no way Bella would be left alone at any point.

Emmett was walking behind Bella and placed a hand on her shouldered. "No worries, Baby Bella, no one will touch you tonight. I can promise you that. I will gladly break anyone here that so much as looks at you too long." Yes, Emmett was in full protective mode right now. Once you got to know what a soft person Emmett was on the inside it was easy to forget that he was a vampire and he took protecting his family above all other things and tonight, he wasn't in pranking and partying mode. He was in war mode and ready to defend Bella.

Before she could comment, Jasper and Alice came out of the house and up to us. They had arrived early, so Alice could help get things set up. Jasper came up to Bella and shocked me by giving her a hug. I had never seen Jasper that close to a human, but I could tell in his thoughts that he had given her hugs in therapy before, and his monster was well caged. "Hey, darlin', how are you doing?" Bella gave him a tremulous smile. "You're gonna do fine. Remember everything we've talk about, and you'll get through this. If you need me to give you an emotional boost let me know, but I really think you can get through tonight without it." He then brushed some of her hair off her shoulder.

"Thanks, Jasper." She gave him a small smile and stepped back towards me.

Alice bounced on the balls of her feet. "Gosh, you guys are acting like we're going to a death brawl. It's a party. Now come on, and let's have fun." I could see Alice's attempt to lighten the mood worked, as she knew it would, and Bella had a more genuine smile on her face.

We walked in the house and Bella took a deep breath. She looked up at me, and I leaned in a kissed her gently. I inwardly cringed at the thoughts that were surrounding me. It had been a while since I'd been in the vicinity of drunken co-eds, and the thoughts I had always found vulgar I now found highly offensive and disturbing. I released Bella's hand and instead held my arms around her waist. I didn't care if I was acting like a caveman. My instincts were on high alert, and all I could think about was making sure my mate was protected. I wanted to send a clear message that Bella was with me, and others should keep their distance and their hands off.

The party was in full swing, but we were able to find a corner where no one else was. Bella was looking out over everyone while my siblings were gossiping about party attendees. After more than half an hour, Alice had had enough and grabbed Bella, pulling her to the dance floor. Bella went reluctantly. I knew it was more because she was self conscious than anything else. I smelled no adrenaline spike nor heard an elevated heart rate to indicate she was scared.

Alice got Bella to the dance floor, and I stayed behind her but, soon discovered this was a bad choice. Having her lithe body rubbing and coming in contact with mine was causing indecent thoughts and bodily reactions in me. At one point, I had to stop dancing all together and clenched my eyes shut trying to gain control.

I was pulled from my thoughts by a set of arms wrapping around my waist, and a body pressed against my back. I whipped my head around and saw Lauren there, staring at me with lust in her eyes. Her thoughts indicated she believed she was incredibly sexy, and that I wouldn't be able to resist her. I turned as best as I could, while pulling Bella with me so I could confront Lauren. When Bella saw her, I heard her suck in her breath and she looked at me.

"What do you want, Lauren?" I asked, not bother to keep the edge out of my voice.

She fluttered her eyelashes and cackled. I think it was suppose to be sexy, but I found it repulsive. "You, of course."

I looked down at her and replied. "Well I'm not available." I then kissed the top of Bella's head, giving Lauren a clear picture of why I wasn't.

Lauren barely spared Bella a glance before continuing. "Trust me, Eddie boy, I can give you what she can't. We all know she's virginal, and is so tight you could stick coal in her and it would come out a diamond. You need someone who can see to your needs. All of your needs." As she said the last sentence she reached to grab me, but I grabbed her hand before she could.

"Trust me. You have nothing to offer I want," I said.

Bella then shocked me by saying. "Yes, Lauren, not every guy in the world wants to be with a girl that's already been with half the male population at school. There is a thing called discretion, look it up in the dictionary if you don't know what it means."

Lauren started, "Why you little bi-"

She was pulled away by Jessica, whose thoughts showed she was still scared of me and didn't want Lauren to cause trouble. I was glad my warning to her a few months ago still worked on her. "Come on Lauren, trust me you don't want to finish that sentence." Jessica said while noting Rose and Emmett right behind Bella and I. Lauren was calling out comments the whole time Jessica was pulling her away.

We all ignored her, and Bella cuddled into my chest. I was tense and just wanted to leave. Bella shouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing. Of course she knew what I was thinking and whispered. "Don't let her get to you."

I kissed her head. "I only worry about her upsetting you."

Bella laughed. "I'm not worried. I know you well enough to know that you would never go for someone like Lauren. While I might not know why you stay with me, I know you wouldn't leave me for her!"

I shook my head. I couldn't understand how such an angel didn't get that she was all I could ever want and more than I could ever deserve.

We moved and danced for a bit more when Bella seemed to be getting worn out. I found a place a little out of the way of traffic and watched her down her bottle of water. I was glad and pulled another out of my back pocket that she opened and held on to for a bit.

My family and I were all standing around talking about the music when I caught the drift of trouble. I looked up and filtered through the thoughts of some of the drunken boys present and saw a fight was about to break out. I looked down at Bella. "We need to go."

"Why?"

I looked up as the first punch was thrown. Alice placed her hand on my arm, and I observed her thoughts showing the future and that the fight would be over quickly and not move to the side of the room we were on. I still waivered, not wanting Bella near a bunch of fighting drunk frat boys.

By this time the fight had gotten loud enough that Bella knew what was going on. She looked at Alice. "Will we be ok?"

Alice nodded. "Yep, we'll be fine. It's already breaking up."

I looked at Bella. "You don't need to stay and hang out with a bunch of drunken frat guys. We came, we danced, let's get out of here now."

Bella looked around. "Can we stay? For the first time in three years I'm not in a complete panic being in a room with a bunch of guys. I mean, I know it's cause I'm with you all, and if I was here alone I would be in a panic mode, but I don't want to leave yet."

I looked down at her and smiled. There was no way I was going to tell her no when she asked like that. I know I could be overprotective and needed to scale back, so I took a deep breath. "Of course we can stay."

We talked for a little while longer and danced again. Finally Bella started looking tired. I asked again if she wanted to go and she softly nodded she did.

As we were leaving, we passed Ben and Angela. I had become closer to both of them while going to Bible study with Bella. We stopped to say good night. Angela gave Bella a hug, and Ben stayed off to the side. He didn't understand, but respected Bella's boundaries. Then the most shocking thing happened. Bella slowly went up to Ben and gave him a quick hug. My jaw dropped. I couldn't even fathom how much my love had gone outside her comfort zone to do that. I searched Ben's thoughts, and he was surprised but ecstatic that Bella hugged him.

When she was done, I held her hand as we walked out the door. "I am so proud of you," I said.

She laid her head on my shoulder. I couldn't be happier than I was in that moment. Knowing my love was truly healing and with me no matter what. I knew nothing would happen to her.

* * *

Hello all. I have to give a HUGE thank you to my beta Ronnie that busted hump and beta's this chapter this morning! Thank you Ronnie!

Too all my new readers, I've gotten a few reviews and want to let you all know I try to update every other Tues. That is my goal and I have been doing ok with that.

So the chapter ends with Edward _knowing_ Bella is healed and will be well and with him always . . . is he right?

Thank you all my reader and especially all that review. You bring me smiles!


	42. Chapter 42 part 1

Chapter 42

I was sitting, trying to calm my nerves, as Jasper started a session with Bella and I together. This was the first time I was asked to join and I didn't know exactly what to expect, but from the fleeting thoughts I was picking up from Jasper I knew I wasn't invited for fun and games.

"Bella, I asked Edward to be here today as there are certain things we need to get sorted out before the trial in a few weeks. With school starting in a few days I figured it would be easier to nail things out now rather than later when you are busy with school." Jasper spoke in a clam voice and held Bella's eye to reassure her.

He turned to me. "Edward, you are here as I know there is a lot that will happen that you need to be prepared for and decisions need to be made. I know you want to be part of some of the decisions, but it is imperative that you listen to Bella and respect her wishes."

I simply nodded since I was slightly confused, trying to figure out why I wouldn't heed Bella's wishes.

"Ok Darlin'," Jasper said, "first we need to figure out who's going to be going with you to Paul's trial."

Bella scrunched up her nose. "I don't suppose I'm going to win if I say I will be fine on my own."

Jasper laughed. "You suppose right. Do you seriously think you're going to the trial alone? I didn't ask if you wanted to go alone, but who was going with you."

Bella stuck her tongue out. "Fine." She paused, obviously thinking through who would be best to have with her. Finally, she sighed, "I think it would be important for you to be there. I'm sure I'm going to have a panic attack or two and you can keep me calm and you'll be able to help me work through it."

Jasper nodded and winked. "I agree. I'm glad you want me there darlin' cause I was going whether you wanted me to or not. This just makes it easier."

Bella snorted, "Figures."

I sat still, trying to be patient and not scream that I was going as well. Jasper picked up on my anxiety tried to keep me calm.

Bella glanced at me then turned away. "I know Edward wants to go with, but I don't know if I want him there."

Jasper sat forward, so he was closer to Bella. "Why's that?"

"I know it will be difficult on him. I don't want him to have to go through everything that the trial will entail."

I started to talk when Jasper gave me a quick glare. _Let me deal with this, Edward. Right now I just want you to be supportive. _ I ran my hand through my hair frustrated, but placed my trust in my brother.

"Are you being fair to Edward just arbitrarily deciding what he can and can't deal with? Do you like it when he makes decisions for you? If Edward was facing something similar wouldn't you want to be there for him?"

Bella groaned and threw her head back against the sofa. After a minute she looked at Jasper who raised his eyebrows at her and she growled at him and turned to me. "Do you want to come to the trail, Edward?"

"Of course I do." I sighed, "I know it won't be a fun trip and that you'll cry more than smile, but that's why I want to be there. I don't want to be with you just for the good times, but to support you through everything. Please let me go with. I want to be able to hold you and comfort you in any way I can."

Bella leaned over and put her head on my shoulder. "I want that too. I just know it will be a circus and I don't want you to be overwhelmed."

"I'll be fine. I promise. I know it won't be easy, but it would be worse for me to be here without you imaging all kinds of horrible things happening."

Jasper interjected. "Wonderful. Now that that's settled. Do you want anyone else to come with, Bella?"

Bella sighed. "No, I don't, but I'm sure you're going to tell me why I want others to go with."

Jasper smiled. "Well I might make suggestions, but in the end it is your decision. I would like Carlisle to be there. I would feel more comfortable in case you need any type of medical attention. I don't know if you will need medication or anything and it would be better if he was there to see you himself."

I was pleased with this idea. I knew that Jasper and Carlisle had spent many hours in Carlisle's office researching medicine and combinations for Bella. Jasper had never gotten a medical degree, not being able to be around the blood that was part of medical school, and Carlisle hadn't spent much time studying the psychiatric part of medicine.

Bella said, "That makes sense, and if Carlisle is there then I know Esme will want to be."

"I'm sure," Jasper replied. He turned and looked at me. "I would also like to have Emmett there. Edward is going to be pushed to his limit with the trial. Not only will he have to witness it, but he will be hearing the thoughts of everyone there. Including Paul. Emmett, will hopefully be able to keep him from doing anything rash or giving away his vampiric nature."

Bella grabbed my hand tightly. "Do you think it's wise for you to be there?"

"Yes, Bella, I will be there and I will be ok. Jasper's idea of having Emmett there though is a good idea."

She looked at me with wide eyes and simply nodded. She finally turned to Jasper. "Well then we might as well ask Rose and Alice too."

Jasper smirked. "Might as well." He was incredibly pleased that everyone would be going and that he didn't have to strong arm Bella to get her to accept having the whole family there.

He sighed and glanced at me tensing up. I caught the direction he planned on going next and I tensed as well.

"In your past trials, when you have given testimony, the court has been cleared of everyone not necessary. You've been given the option of having a support person present and you have always denied that privilege. I don't think that is wise. I would like to be there when you are on the stand."

Bella drew in a deep breath and her eyes darted around in panic. I put my arm around her and pulled her into me. "Hey, calm down. Do you think it's a good idea to do it alone? Jasper knows everything that happened to you so you don't have to worry about his reactions."

Jasper leaned forward. "Talk to me, Bella. What are you thinking right now?"

Bella leaned into me and pulled her legs up so she was curled in a ball. "I don't want anyone there," she whispered.

"Why?" Jasper asked.

"I don't want you to see . . . to hear."

Jasper took a deep breath. "Bella, I've gone through your entire file . . . that includes seeing the video."

Bella started shaking chanting no over and over again.

Jasper placed a hand on her leg and she flinched. "Bella, we've talked about this. I'm not disgusted by you at all, but because I've seen it I would be able to give you support. You shouldn't do it alone."

I looked at Jasper. "What about me. I want to be there for her." Bella whimpered and I rubbed her shoulder trying to calm her.

Jasper looked at me. "I've thought about that. Normally, I would agree that you would be a better choice to help her and keep her calm, but in this instance I don't think so. No one would be there to keep you calm and I've read Paul's psych report and I doubt you'd be able to contain yourself while listening to Bella relive what happened, seeing the video of it and having Paul's thoughts giving commentary. Bella would be so worried about you that it would only serve to make the whole thing more stressful for her."

I didn't like what Jasper said at all, but I saw the truth in it. I knew I would be hard pressed to not rip Paul's head off if I saw him and to watch a video of him violating her while he sat a few yards away would be beyond my ability to not kill him.

Jasper searched out my emotions to see if I was truly agreeing or just resigning myself to what he said. When he saw I wasn't going to argue further he tentatively broached the next subject. "Edward, where do you plan on being when Bella testifies?"

"Why, where should I be?"

Jasper looked at Bella. I want to know where you'll be so I know how much you need to be prepared. If you are going to be close enough that you'll be able to read the thoughts of everyone in the room, then you'll need to be briefed in great detail so you can keep yourself in check. That would include you seeing the video of Bella being assaulted."

"No!" Bella screamed.

Jasper spoke quietly and sent waves of calm toward Bella. "This is something we need to work through. I know you don't want anyone to see what happened. I understand that. Edward and you need to figure out what to do about that. Edward is going to want to be close to you, even if he can't be in the court room itself. If he is, then he needs to be prepared. If he needs to be out of the courthouse itself then we need to let him know. It isn't fair to tell him that day that he needs to leave. So we are going to talk through this now so we have a plan."

I tipped Bella's chin so she was looking at me. "I want to be there for you, but if you really don't want me there I can understand and respect it. Please let me be there for you in as much as I can."

Bella nodded and snuggled into me. I knew this was incredibly difficult for her. She was used to doing everything on her own and now she was being asked to let multiple people help her with the most difficult situation in her life. She needed to get away from all of this I would talk to Alice about planning a vacation of some kind to take her mind off of it all.

She finally whispered, " I want Edward there, but it would be easier on me if I knew he wasn't hearing everything going on. Can he be there until I take the stand and come for me directly afterwards?"

Jasper nodded. "I think that's more than an acceptable compromise." He looked at me and I simply nodded letting him know I would do it. I hated being sent away from Bella while she was on the stand, but I also didn't think I could mentally deal with watching a video of her being violated by multiple drunken frat boys.

Two days later found me standing outside a classroom door glaring at it. A few moments later a pixie joined me and nudged me with her shoulder. "She'll be fine you know."

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "I know," I snapped. I immediately felt bad. "I know," I said in a much calmer voice.

School had started and Alice had done an amazing job on our schedules. She had managed to have Bella and I in all but one class together and in many classes we had another Cullen joining, but today was Bella's solo class. I logically knew she would be fine. No one was going to harm her while she was in the class, but my instincts were screaming at me to go in there and make sure my mate was alright.

I glanced up as Rose and Emmett rounded the hall and looked surprised at being caught checking up on Bella. Alice laughed, "Don't worry; Jasper will be her in forty three seconds as well."

I quirked an eye at her. "I thought you weren't supposed to be checking out the future, my dear."

"I promised Bella to stay out of her future. I didn't promise to stay out of others. Besides I told Bella I would be keeping an eye on her while she was in this class as you would panic if I didn't."

"So, you've been checking on Bella and she'll be fine?"

"Yes, she will be."

"So why are you here then?"

Jasper walked up to all of us. "That's a wonderful question. Why are you all here?" No one spoke but their thoughts were all flying. Like me they knew Bella would be fine, but wanted to be here outside her classroom just in case. She had wormed her way into our lives so deeply. Jasper chuckled. "I knew Edward would be here and I suspected Alice, but I have to say I am a bit surprised at Em and Rose."

Rose scoffed, trying to hide her concern for Bella. "I'm only here because this big lug wouldn't stop whining."

Jasper didn't buy it for a second, but didn't confront her either. "Bella has been going to class on her own for years and nothing has happened to her. Alice has promised to keep an eye out and make sure that nothing happens and Bella would be most upset if she thought none of you thought she could make it through class."

Emmett scoffed. "It isn't that we don't think she can't make it through class, we're here offering moral support."

Jasper gave Emmett a look of disbelief. "Moral support? I don't think she needs moral support to get through a class. Listen, I think it's great that you all care so much, just make sure you are scarce before the class gets done, you'll only upset Bella if she sees you all out here." He leaned over to offer Alice a hand and she pouted at him.

"I want to stay for a bit," Alice said.

Jasper rolled his eyes and walked away. He thought we all were a bit crazy, but was happy for Bella and planned on telling her how much she was cared for in a future session once she was more secure in herself.

I was amazed at how well Bella was doing. Jasper had spent so many hours working with her over the past month and she was usually happy and feisty, before there had only been glimmers of Bella having a sassy side, but now it was prevalent often. She still had times of sadness, but they were fewer and she bounced out of them much quicker.

* * *

Yes I am alive and here. I am so sorry that I haven't been updating. I have NOT abandoned the story. I promise. Some things happened that I don't want to whine about and I took a long break. This chapter is WAY short, I know. I had planned on having it continue with a lime but I can't write that part for a few days and I figured I had better post something soon before you all think I have given up! So this is the first part of chapter 42 and the second part will follow hopefully next week.


	43. Getaway

**Chapter 42 contains multiple limes. **

I know that Chapter 41 was incredibly short, so here is what would be the rest of chapter 41 followed by chapter 42 :)**  
**

Chapter 41 continued

Vampires do not tend to get antsy; we have all the time in the world and don't need to show impatience. So I knew I couldn't be antsy, yet I was sitting in class with my leg bouncing up and down. Every time I noticed, I consciously stopped it, until I looked back down and saw my leg was bouncing again. Bella was giving me looks, obviously wondering what was wrong. I took a deep breath, trying to center myself and pay attention to the professor that was speaking on the U.S. invasion into Vietnam, ignoring how many important factors he was either not explaining or unaware of. I hated taking modern history classes, as most of the professors were too young to have been part of the history they were teaching and didn't have a clue. Last time I complained about it though, Alice threatened to make me take fashion classes if I wanted to learn something new.

When class was finished, Bella grabbed my hand and tugged at it, trying to get me to go faster. I was dragging my feet, not wanting to face her questions as I was feeling apprehensive about what I'd planned. We got out of class and Bella rounded on me. "Edward, what's going on? Are you ok? If I didn't know better I would say you were anxious or impatient. Are you?"

I took a deep breath and looked towards the ceiling, hoping I would find the answers I sought there, but no inspiration came. I looked back at Bella and gave her a tentative smile. "I'm fine, I promise. I'm just reconsidering something I've planned." Bella quirked an eyebrow at me and I leaned over and kissed it. "I'm sorry. I know we are leaving next week to go to Paul's trial and I wanted to give you a break to get your mind off of everything for a bit." I tugged on my hair, hoping Bella wouldn't be upset at the next part. "I planned a small get away for us for the weekend and hoped to make it a surprise, but I know you hate surprises and now I am worried you'll be upset."

Bella looked at me in shock. "You planned a get away?"

I nodded. "Just you and me."

Bella gave a soft smile. "I think that sounds kinda wonderful. You don't need to panic that I'll be mad at you, though a small heads up is nice. Where are we going? When do we leave?"

I smiled and let out a breath I hadn't even noticed I had been holding. "That, my dear, I would like to keep secret."

She gave a small pout and I almost gave in, but instead leaned over and kissed her. "I would like to give you a small surprise."

Bella looked me over and finally smiled. "Ok, I trust you."

I was elated. I was so worried that she would be upset with me and here she accepted easily. Along with that a bit of tension seemed to have left her, which was my hope all along. In the past week she had been getting more uptight knowing the trial was coming.

I guided Bella to the quad to get lunch, now excited about finishing our last class this afternoon so we could fly out as soon as we were done. I was hoping to tempt Bella into eating a bit more than she had been for lunch. Her appetite had definitely declined of late. Jasper was watching her closely and wasn't upset as he'd expected her to not eat as well. Carlisle and I were closely watching her to make sure she didn't regress too far and got enough to sustain herself.

When we got in the quad Alice came bounding over in excitement. "I told you Bella wouldn't be upset that you were surprising her with a getaway."

I smiled at her. "Yes, Alice, you are all seeing, all knowing and I never should have questioned you and your infinite wisdom."

_Oh shit!_ Alice thought as she saw Bella's reaction to her obviously looking into her future. "Well, have fun. I'm off to class. Talk to you later." She danced away before Bella could make a comment.

"Is Alice looking into my future often?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I know that I was worried about your reaction and so she may have looked to see if you would be mad and then kept tabs to see if I talked to you."

Bella groaned. "I hope that pixie isn't watching everything."

I guided her to the table and she sat down, looking over the food that Emmett had gotten for her. Emmett had decided he wanted to explore human food and that he was in charge of getting Bella's lunch, then asking her questions about what things tasted like. Bella indulged his whim and now it was a game of hers to find a way to either gross him out or to get him tempted enough to try something.

"So, Bella, I almost got you tofu today. Would you eat that? It's high in protein, but really doesn't look edible. I'd rather get you a steak or chicken than soybean curd. Seriously, the idea of soybean curd is like feeding you soybean poop and I just don't want to do that to ya, Bella bear."

Bella choked on the bit of ham sandwich she had just taken. "Soybean poop?"

Jasper moaned and started hitting his head against the table. I glared at Emmett. "Can you please grow up? I'm sure tofu is fine!"

"Eddie, can you honestly tell me that you would rather sink your teeth into soy curd as opposed to a juicy cougar?"

I shook my head looking up, knowing it just wasn't worth it.

Bella simply answered, "No, Emmett, I can't say that I like tofu, and that was before the mental image you just injected into my head."

Emmett grinned, incredibly pleased with himself. "So, Belly, Eddie couldn't keep his secret so secret. I knew he would wimp out and say something to you."

Bella smirked. "Whatever, Enema, you're just mad you aren't invited."

"Darned straight. I'm stuck here with no human to tease. Honestly, I say I bring you and we leave Eddie boy home, and together we could take over the world! You know it, babe!"

Bella laughed. "Did you get permission from Rose for that?"

Jasper and I laughed. Emmett held his hand over his heart. "Bella, Bella, Bella, it would be our secret. You know Rosie would love to be mated to the king of the world!"

"I'm sure she would. If I ever meet him, I'll be sure to introduce them." Bella winked at Emmett.

Emmett mock glared at Bella. "You keep that up, Bells, and you will be taken off my Most Favored Sister List."

"No problem, Bro. I'll tell Alice she's got the top spot all by herself and that you want a new wardrobe that matches hers so you can celebrate."

"Bella, that is a low blow."

Bella smirked and just ate her sandwich. I loved how Emmett found ways to pull Bella out of a funk and get her laughing. The best part of it was that Bella almost always came out on top in their verbal skirmishes.

Jasper looked at Bella. "Please, take the time you have with Edward to relax and not worry about the coming trial. I've talked to Jenks and he needs nothing else from you before we leave for the trial. If you need to talk call me."

Bella looked confused. "Of course I'll call if I need to, but why don't we talk about it tonight?"

Jasper smiled. "I'll be busy." He looked at me. _You know she's gonna freak when you take off after class today._

I gave a short nod. I knew Bella worked hard for her grades and wouldn't be expecting us to be leaving on a Thursday, but I wanted the extra time for her to relax and for us to explore. I was hoping this weekend would be a weekend she would remember forever.

Chapter 42 – Getaway

I held Bella's hand as we climbed into the plane. Her heart was racing and from the flush in her cheeks I knew she was excited. When she noticed we weren't going home after class she was surprised that we were leaving that very day. After I convinced her that I had gotten all the class work ahead of time, and that we would have plenty of time to work on it, she relaxed and seemed content to go with whatever I'd planned.

"Are you going to tell me where we're going yet?" she asked.

"Nope. That, my dear, is a surprise that you will have to wait a bit longer for."

We got in the plane and I directed her to a seat so I could speak to the pilots. This was my first time trusting our family plane to human pilots, but I wanted to give Bella more of my attention than I would be able to give her if I was flying the plane. I planned on keeping a close eye on the pilot's thoughts so I would know if there was any kind of problem, but now I could also cuddle with Bella.

Once we were in the air I pulled out our book bags and told Bella I wanted her to get as much done now so that we could have the whole weekend for ourselves, not worrying about school work. Trying to be sly, she asked how much time she had to work and I simply told her "enough."

The plane ride was completely uneventful, for which I was glad. I had to hold myself in check during touchdown as I wanted to be at the controls, but was pleased with the pilots and decided if I needed human pilots in the future that I would be happy to use them again.

We stepped out of the plane and Bella looked at me, hoping I would give her more information. I simply gave her a kiss and a smile, ignoring the implied question in her gaze. It was while we were driving in the limousine that she caught on that we were in New York City. She started bouncing up and down, completely giddy. "I've never been here before! What are we all going to do? What do you have planned?"

I held her tightly and whispered in her ear. "I know you've never been here; that's why I picked it. As for what we're doing, that's for me to know and you to find out!"

It was late when we got in so I had arranged for the limo to drive around a little bit before taking us to the hotel. We got to the hotel and Bella was overwhelmed with the suite, never having been in something so extravagant before, but the smile that hadn't left her face let me know how happy she was.

She got into her pajamas, but instead of crawling into bed, which I'd expected, she sat on the couch. I sat next to her, assuming she was too excited to sleep, until I noticed she was wringing her hands and biting her lip.

"What's wrong? Do you not want me to sleep with you here?" I was hoping that wasn't the case as I'd become addicted to having her little body snuggled up with mine every night. "You don't have to worry about getting cold. I ordered an electric blanket here, just like at home."

Bella glanced at me and then quickly away. "No, I want you to sleep with me. I admit I love cuddling up with you." She paused, twisting the hem of her shirt in her hands. "Are you happy with how things are with us, or do you want more?"

I was shocked, not having expected anything like this from her. "What do you mean?"

She shrugged and glanced at me through her lashes. "I know we kiss, and I love our kissing; I just didn't know how you felt about more."

My throat felt suddenly thick and I cleared it, hoping my voice wouldn't show the tension that suddenly ran through me at the idea of more, while I thought of the best way to answer her. "I am content with everything we do. Do you want to do more?"

"Sometimes. Maybe a little. I just don't know what or how much."

I nodded. "You know that everything we do is at your pace. There's no wrong or right. Even if you think you are ready for something and find you really aren't, we can always pull back. There's no pressure."

Bella nodded, but I could see she still had wheels turning in her head. "What are you thinking?" I asked.

"I want to do more . . . a little more, but I am scared, too."

"Are you scared I'll hurt you or do something you don't want me to?"

Bella shook her head. "No, I know you won't hurt me, plus I admit I'm not ready to do that much anyway. I just feel uncomfortable with you touching me - touching my scars. Everything about you is so smooth and perfect . . . and I'm not."

"Oh, Bella." I pulled her in close and held her tightly. "Your scars aren't something to be ashamed about. They remind me of how strong you were to survive what you did. They would never turn me away or disgust me. You are beautiful to me, as you are, not as some image of perfection I have no desire to have. I want you as you are - all of you, the good and the bad. All of it draws me in."

Bella looked up at me and slowly closed her eyes and kissed me. It started sweet and tender and I gently tried to will my love for her into the kiss, hoping to leave her no doubt that her physical scars held no disgust for me. I was slightly more tentative than I normally was, as I wanted to make sure I allowed her to lead.

Bella's hands, that had found their way to my shoulder, slowly moved to my neck. I shuddered slightly. Bella rarely touched my skin when we kissed and the warmth of her touch burned me. I followed her lead when it seemed she was going to move no further. I softly touched her neck and felt her pulse speed up slightly.

We continued kissing and caressing each other's necks. I, wrongly assumed, that this was Bella's step outside of her comfort zone and had no complaints with the small step forward. Then she shocked me, when her hands left my neck and slowly traveled down my chest. He fingers traced my collar bones and joined up, tracing down the very center of my chest and abdomen. Her touch was incredibly light and I could barley feel it through my shirt, until her hands traveled back up with more pressure. The entire time our lips were moving against each other tenderly.

When her little hands got back to my neck they stayed there, again caressing me lightly. I, again, followed her lead and softly traced her collar bones and down the center of her chest, bypassing her breasts that I admit I wanted to touch, and continued to her abdomen and slowly made my way back up.

We continued kissing for a while longer, when Bella slowly pulled away from me. I rubbed her cheek and asked, "are you ok?"

She smiled. "Yeah. I know it wasn't much, but I think for tonight it's all I can do."

"There's no need for us to rush. I'm happy kissing and holding you. If you want more, that's fine, but don't feel you need to push it. I would rather hold you your whole life and not move further, than have you push yourself and get hurt." I pulled back so she could look in my eyes. "I'm not saying feeling more of you wouldn't be divine, but it isn't as important as you being comfortable."

Bella gave me a small kiss and we went to bed. The next day we spent being tourists. I had never done the tourist thing and had to admit I was having a blast seeing everything with Bella. Her eyes were alight with excitement, seeing everything and she was bouncing around like Alice all too often.

We were on the boat to Liberty Island to see the Statue of Liberty when Bella asked the very thing I'd hoped she wouldn't ask. "Did you talk to Alice about not watching me? I hope I don't have to answer anything about what we did last night."

"Yes, she promised to not pay attention to us. That's one of the reasons I picked New York. Everything here is broken up into districts between covens and if you are staying in New York for any period of time you either join one of the covens or you are asked to leave." I tried to down play the brutality that happened when a vampire was poaching in New York. Yes, vampires came into New York on planes often, but if they stayed and fed for anymore than a week they were disposed of. Since I wouldn't be feeding here and would be staying out of any vampire's way I wasn't concerned there would be any problems.

Bella nodded and then looked confused. "I'm surprised no one wanted to join us. I mean, I'm happy to get away with just you, but I'm sure others could use a break."

"Alice may have wanted to come and I may have made a deal with her . . . "

Bella looked at me and I could see she knew what I had to say wasn't going to be her happiest moment.

"Well, I may have indicated that if I got you to myself for a few days that you would return the favor and spend a few days with Alice . . . like at fashion week in Milan."

Bella's eyes bugged out. "You did not!" I leaned over to kiss her and she backed away. "Edward, please tell me you're joking. Do you know what Alice will be like? She'll kill me! I bet she drags me too so many shows she forgets to let me eat and sleep."

I chuckled. "I promise that won't happen. I will make sure she takes care of you. Plus, I negotiated that Rose, and possibly Esme, will go with you so you'll be safe."

Bella pretended to glare at me. "You are a mean man, Edward Cullen, a very mean man."

I pouted. "I know, but I hope you can forgive me."

She rolled her eyes and turned back to watch Lady Liberty getting closer. I chuckled and put my arm around her waist. I knew my deal with Alice wasn't fair to Bella, and if she really wanted out of it I would see that she didn't go, but I also knew that while she was complaining, she probably would have the time of her life, assuming Alice gave her time to breathe.

When we were done sightseeing for the day I took Bella back to our hotel and asked her to dress in something comfortable to go out for a night on the town. When Bella came out in a pair of black jeans and a fitted silver top I pulled her to me telling her she was perfect. I was excited for this evening. As much as a trip to New York was something special for her, tonight was going to be a major surprise.

We took a limo to the Rodeo Bar and went in. There was an open table and I sat Bella down and went to get her a soda. I got back and she smiled at me. "Where are we? Who are we going to see?"

I smirked. "That, my dear, is for me to know, and you to find out." She stuck out her tongue. "Don't do that unless you plan on using it."

Her face was a picture of shock. "I can't believe you said that!"

I laughed. "That was a pretty Emmett comment wasn't it?"

We bantered for a bit more when the lights went dark. Soon Christian Kane got up on stage and Bella's jaw dropped. She had been following him for a little while and I was excited when I saw he would be performing while we were here. I spent the night watching my love's eyes shine as she sang along to her favorite songs. When Kane was done I got her a T-shirt that I told her she should wear when she was at fashion week with Alice.

We got back late to the hotel and Bella quickly took a shower and got ready for bed. I crawled into bed next to her and pulled her close to me. This had become my favorite part of the day. The burn in my throat was negligible with all the time I spent with Bella now, and I could enjoy the peace of holding her in my arms with almost no pain. I never thought I would get to this point, but my hunger to be with my mate outweighed the thirst of my monster. It never even rattled the cage to get out anymore when I was with her.

Bella turned slightly in my arms and moved so her head was resting on a pillow instead of my chest. She leaned in and pulled my top lip between hers and softly sucked on it, before running her tongue across. I moaned at the sensation and brought her plump bottom lip into my mouth and lightly sucked back, being very conscious of not letting her near my teeth. This was a first; until now Bella had kept our kissing to nothing more than light brushes of our lips when in bed. I could understand better now than I ever had before. I wanted to roll on top of her and do much more than just kiss her. I would have never guessed the mental difference in kissing while lying down as opposed to sitting up.

Bella pulled slightly away from me and stared into my eyes. I could tell she was thinking and trying to work up the courage to say or do something. I held my breath, waiting for her. Slowly, her hand moved from where it had been resting against my shoulder and made a path down my chest until it was resting on my hip, where my t-shirt met my pajama pants. Her hand stayed on my hip and she looked at me with trepidation and expectation. I moved my hand that was in her hair and placed it on her hip wondering if that was what she wanted.

I listened as her breathing got shallower and quicker, noting her anxiety and that she wasn't panicking. She swallowed and her hand moved from my hip, under my shirt and rubbed my stomach. Involuntarily my abs clenched at the unexpected, yet amazing feeling of Bella doing something as simple as rubbing my stomach. Her hand was hesitant as she learned what I felt like. I bit back a groan as I became rock hard from such an innocent caress. Bella never took her eyes off of mine and the expressions that flitted across her face, trepidation, to fear, to wonder, to excitement made the entire experience even better. Her breathing finally deepened and evened out.

Finally, she moved her hand to the side of my waist and kept it there with her thumb lightly circling against me. Her eyes showed fear again, her breathing and heart rate picked up, and she had become stiff as a board. I leaned in and lightly kissed her. Pulling back I said, "You've nothing to fear. I won't hurt you. If you don't want me to touch you I won't."

"I do."

Two such simple words; I knew Bella had pushed herself a few times in the past two months to heal faster than she should, but I didn't think that was what was happening this time. For a second I considered everything, how Bella was, why she was doing this tonight, what she might want from me, how I could make this easier for her, and if this was the right thing to do.

I gave her a small nod, moved my hand from her hip and pushed under her shirt. I moved until my hand was completely covered, but kept it far enough back that I wasn't touching her. I looked deep into her eyes and lightly placed my hand on her belly, feeling for the first time so much of her skin at once. I held my hand against her, without moving for a few moments, waiting for her breathing to slow a bit, her heart to stop racing, and her body to relax.

When she calmed down slightly, I rubbed my thumb in circles against her. I didn't know if I wanted to moan in need or cry in despair. I was touching Bella, my angel, my life, my all, and it was incredible. The heat and softness of her made me want to worship her forever, and knowing I was the only person she'd ever willingly let touch her made me want to lock her up and throw away the key. But, I also despaired as I felt her scars, knowing she had been violated by the scum that hurt her so badly. I was in no way repulsed by the scars. No, each one was a testament to her resiliency, how hard she fought to live, and how that eventually brought her to me. No, there was no repulsion, only despair that an angel had suffered and was marked as no person should ever be.

I carefully moved my hand across her entire belly, mapping out the feel of every square centimeter, committing to memory every catch in her throat and every hum she gave as I discovered so much of her. I could have touched her for hours, days even, but I finally moved my hand to her waist so it duplicated hers.

Bella softly smiled at me. "I love you, Edward Anthony Cullen."

I smiled back. "I love you, Isabella Marie Dwyer."

Bella moved so she was back to her normal sleeping position, with her head lying on my chest, but she didn't move her hand and I smiled feeling that soft heat.

In the morning Bella woke up early. She was excited to see more of New York and didn't want to waste time sleeping. We spent the day doing more sightseeing and a little shopping. I vowed I would never travel without Bella again. The wonder and excitement she had over everything new made even the simplest thing seem extraordinary.

That afternoon I surprised her with a heat wrap, manicure, pedicure and an appointment to get her hair done at the spa in our hotel. When Bella came back to our room she looked beautiful and very refreshed. I sat her down for a quick dinner, before I pushed her into our room to dress for our evening out.

Bella came out looking breath-taking in a strapless emerald gown that flowed around her body. I drew in a deep breath. "You are too exquisite to let out of here tonight." I picked up her hand and brushed my lips across the back of it.

Of course she turned crimson under such a compliment. "Thank you, you look incredibly handsome yourself."

I winked at her. "No one will notice me at all with you beside me. Are you ready?"

She gave a laugh and nodded. I took her hand and we walked through the hotel to the limo. Many people stopped, looked at us and thought how incredible we both looked. When we were in the limo Bella tried to pry out of me where we were going, but I refused to tell her.

Finally, when we pulled onto Broadway, Bella looked at me and all but shrieked. "What are we going to see?"

"_Wicked_," I replied.

Bella threw her arms around me. "Thank you. I've wanted to see that so badly."

"I know, why do you think I chose it?"

We got out of the limo and I walked us to the theater, watching Bella's excitement grow with every step. I could spend forever with Bella and not get used to the anticipation that was in her eyes right now. The entire time the musical was playing her eyes were riveted to the stage. I was convinced that a fire couldn't have made her turn her head away from what was going on.

When it was finally finished she turned to me and whispered, "Thank you."

I kissed her lightly. "It was nothing. I enjoyed it as much as you."

I lead her back outside and to the limo, when Bella stopped us. "Are we done for the night?"

"I hadn't anything else planned. Do you want to do something?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I just don't want to go back yet." She looked around. "Can we walk for a bit, maybe find a deli and get dessert?"

I nodded and had a quick conversation with the limo driver, who was going to park a few blocks away and we would slowly make our way towards him.

I held my arm out and Bella placed her hand on it. We slowly walked, while Bella talked exuberantly about the musical and everything she'd seen. I was enthralled, never having seen Bella this excited before. My plan to get her away for a little bit and relax certainly seemed to be working.

As we walked I kept most of my attention on the angel next to me, but part of me was always scanning the minds of the crowds. I wasn't worried about trouble, but I it was second nature for me to know what was going on around me.

Bella was almost bouncing talking about the beginning of the second act when I caught a fleeting thought in Russian, _. . . the horrible blood of these Americans. I find someone that can direct me to better feeding. Plump, must have a plump woman, with a big bosom. I miss vodka, I need to taste. Vladimir will pay for talking me into coming to this wretched place._

His thoughts became more disjointed. It was obvious he needed to feed and that he was a vampire that hadn't been changed very long ago - I would guess more than two but less than five years ago. He had the ability to not completely break down in a crowd of humans, but very little control past that. Add to that the fragments of thoughts that bounced around, I was guessing he wasn't completely mentally stable.

Then disaster struck. This rogue vampire caught my scent and decided he was going to ask me to help him hunt. The night that had been going so well, turned dangerous in an instant.

I pulled Bella closer to me and leaned down and whispered into her ear, even though the vampire didn't seem to know English, I wasn't going to take any chance. "Bella, there is a vampire that is coming over to talk to me. He will see you and ask questions. I can't send you off as he will smell you on me and I don't want to chance him following your scent as you walk away from me. Follow my cues and don't say anything. Don't look at him and don't respond to him in any way." As I was talking I pulled my cell phone and dialed Carlisle's emergency number, reserved for family members in trouble, and placed the phone in my pocket, knowing he would hear everything going on and alert the family.

Bella looked at me and the trust in her eyes almost brought me to my knees. She shouldn't trust me; she should be ready to burn me for getting her into this dangerous situation. I looked around; we were only two blocks from where we were meeting the limo and there was a small deli across the street.

I wrapped my arm tighter around her and walked to the deli. I figured being able to sit with my back to the wall and act civilized with many humans around was a better place to be approached than in the middle of the street, with alleys and dark corners everywhere.

We walked in and I ordered a hot chocolate and a slice of cheesecake for Bella. I directed us to the back of the deli so we were against the wall, with a clear view of the entire place. We had just sat down when the vampire walked in. I had kept my attention on his thoughts and grew more worried as it was obvious he was not mentally stable.

I looked up at him and cocked an eyebrow at him. He scrutinized me and stared at Bella, trying to work out who she was and why I was feeding her. All of his thoughts centered on blood and sex, and the images he had of what he wanted to do to Bella were enough to make me want to rip his throat out.

He walked up to us with false bravado, his thoughts giving away that I made him nervous with my seeming lack of anxiety at seeing him. "Hello," he said with a thick accent. I simply nodded my head at him knowing it would disconcert him. He then asked if I spoke Russian and I again nodded. He asked if he could sit down and again I simply gave him a quick nod. His thoughts were showing more instability as he grew more fearful of whom I was, but that was what I wanted. I wanted him to fear me and not know that I would not fight him and chance Bella being harmed, if there was any way to avoid it.

"My name is Vladimir, who are you?"

I allowed a lengthy pause before answering him. "Anthony." There was no way I was going to give him my correct name.

He gestured to Bella. "Who is she?"

"No one you need to worry about."

His thoughts raced, trying to figure out whom Bella was to me and if I would share her with him. He glanced at me, taking in my gaze that gave nothing away and tried to decide if he should push me. He decided to go in a different direction, hoping to get back to Bella later. "Where can I find a nice juicy woman? They are all sticks here. In Mother Russia there were nice plump women, with nice bosoms. They drank vodka. Oh, there is nothing like sinking your teeth into a woman whose blood is streaming with vodka."

"I'm sorry, I can't help you with that. My tastes run in a distinctly different direction." I could feel Bella's tension next to me so I softly rubbed her neck. Vladimir saw and continued speculating on who she was. It was obvious from my gesture that I saw her as more than a quick meal.

"Does she know what you are?" he asked in shock, as he noted Bella had no reaction to my cold touch. Instead of answering I simply raised an eyebrow, hoping it would be enough to get him to stop asking questions. Unfortunately I wasn't that lucky. "How do you let this human know what you are? Don't you worry about the Volturi?"

I contemplated multiple answers before saying, "They have their pets, and I can have my own." My stomach churned at the thought of calling Bella a pet.

Vladimir's mind instantly filled with delusions of having a room full of woman to have sex with and bite at his whim. I was disgusted. He turned and looked at Bella with such lecherous intent that I wanted to rip his eyes out. "Do you share your pets?"

"Never," I said, as coldly as I could.

He quickly looked at me. "Why are your eyes that color? You aren't wearing contacts."

I smirked. "That is a secret I cannot share. Listen, it has been . . . enjoyable," I said, making sure my tone let him know I didn't enjoy anything, "but I must be getting on now. I have a previous engagement. I suggest if you are partial to Russian woman you return to Russia where they are located." I nudged Bella and she looked at me. "Let's go," I said in English. I held out my hand and walked her out of the deli.

I kept my focus on Vladimir. He wasn't following us and had decided he was going to go back to Russia. He'd only been in the States for three days and hated it. I felt horrible knowing I was sending a mentally unstable murderer back to Russia. There was nothing I could do though; I certainly couldn't try taking him out in New York City surrounded by millions of humans.

I guided Bella to the limo, knowing it would make it more difficult if Vladimir tried to follow us later to find us. So far Bella hadn't said anything, but her heart hadn't stopped racing. I pulled her onto my lap and pulled my cell phone out. I spoke quickly to my family. Alice was watching as closely as she could to Vladimir. With his mental instability it was difficult for her to track what he was going to do from one moment to the next. As far as she could tell he was going to head to Russia and had no plans on seeking me out.

I asked Alice if she saw anything else that we needed to worry about. I'd seen nothing to indicate that we had anything to worry about with the New York vampire covens, but wanted Alice to keep a watch out for us.

I spoke with Carlisle, who explained he was happy with how I dealt with Vladimir. He knew I hated that I was sending him back to helpless humans in Russia, but agreed there was nothing else that I could have done. He told me to take care of Bella and not to worry about things I couldn't change.

I hung up and brushed Bella's hair back from her face. "How are you doing?"

She gave a small shrug. "What happened? Who was he?"

"He was a mentally unstable vampire from Russia that had come to the United States to see what it was like here. He doesn't like it and is going back to Russia. He asked who you were and I let him draw his own conclusions. I've talked to Alice and he won't be bothering us. She is going to keep an eye out and make sure we're safe."

"Is she looking out for others? I mean, we're in New York City, I assume there are a lot of vampires here."

"There are many vampires in New York. One of the reasons I chose to come here is that we shouldn't have had to deal with them. They have broken the city into districts and as long as you don't feed in any district you won't be bothered. The vampire you just saw, Vladimir, will either leave for Russia on his own today or tomorrow, or he will be escorted out or killed if he decides to stay here. I have seen a few vampires since we've been here and they've ignored me as I haven't been feeding here. A few noticed you but made their own assumptions of who you were." I didn't let her know that most assumed she was a personal pet.

Bella snuggled into me and held me tightly. "I was scared. I've never felt scared when I've been around you or any of the Cullens, but he terrified me."

"I'm so sorry. I would never have brought you if I knew this would happen. I promise I will do anything to protect you. He's gone and won't be coming back." I had always wondered why Bella was never scared of me or my family. I had wondered if she lacked the ability to fear vampires, but that didn't seem to be the case. She must have been ok with me, as I was her mate, and with my family, as they were my coven, and therefore hers. However, Bella seeing a vampire outside of her built-in circle of protection brought out the natural fears that every human has for my kind.

The limo pulled up at our hotel and I picked Bella up and carried her to our room. She looked at me, and the love and trust in her eyes caused me to stumble. How could this angel still trust me after what happened tonight? "Stop, Edward, I know you're blaming yourself for what happened, but you couldn't have known and if you had you would have done something different. You just need to accept I'm a danger magnet," she said.

"I would die if something happened to you. Understand I have no life without you."

"Yes, you do. Please don't talk like that." She pulled my head down and captured my lips. I breathed her in and moaned as our kiss deepened. I walked to the couch in our room and sat down never breaking our kiss. I pulled Bella close to me; the thought of how close I came to losing her and the idea of never having her in my arms made me shudder. I had to double my efforts to not hold her too tightly as I just wanted to merge our bodies together.

Bella it seemed had the same idea. She was pulling me to her and turned so her legs were straddling mine and I could feel her muscles clenching my legs. She whimpered as our tongues met and she clawed at my neck. She'd never been so aggressive before and the thought flitted through my head that she may be caught up in the fear of what had almost happened, but the idea was quickly driven from my mind as I felt her hot little hand pull my shirt out of my pants so she could caress my stomach.

I leaned back and adjusted so I could feel her touching more of me and my groin brushed against hers. Both of us gasped and I tried to pull back, but Bella had other ideas. Her kissing became more aggressive and she ground her hips down on mine again. I threw my head back and groaned. I didn't know if I could handle this. I lowered my head and looked at Bella, noticing that my hands were on her hips. I worried that I was holding her too tightly so I grabbed the back of the couch instead.

Bella's eyes were glazed with lust and her breath was coming in gasps. Her hips were now in constant motion over me and my erection was ready to burst through my pants. I could smell her arousal and it was taking my already out of control senses to new heights.

Bella's hips had found a rhythm and I knew it wouldn't be long before I achieved orgasm. All thoughts on whether this was right or wrong were out the door. All I could do now was feel, and I needed to feel her and know she was alive and that we were together.

I couldn't hold back any long and orgasmed into my pants and whimpered as I felt the first release that I hadn't manipulated on my own. As I emptied myself, Bella found her release and screamed as she collapsed against me.

I moved my arms and held her as the shock of what had just happened rushed through me. In a million years I would not have guessed that this weekend such a thing would happen. All I could conclude was that the fear and pressure of what had happened earlier that night had taken over our good senses. I would need to talk to Bella later and see what she thought about it all.

When she finally stirred against me I saw the blush on her cheeks. I lightly kissed her head and told her that she needed to get some sleep and we would talk more later. She glanced at me and quickly made her way to the bedroom of our suite.

I sat watching the door she had gone through, my thoughts in turmoil, and my phone buzzed letting me know I had a text.

_Don't worry. The hotel will charge your credit card for the destruction and won't ask questions._

I wondered what destruction Alice was talking about. I got up, preparing to text her, when I saw the back of the couch and the wall behind it. There was no back of the couch anymore and part of the wall had been smashed in. I tried to recall doing that and had no recollection of it. I had been so consumed with Bella and the feelings of what we were doing that I didn't keep track of myself, and I tore apart the couch and must have put my hand through the wall more than once.

I took a deep breath thanking God that I hadn't been holding Bella at the time or I would have killed her.

* * *

AN: Yes, there were multiple limes in this chapter and I know that a lot of my reviewers have been happy that I am trying to stay true to life. Bella has been in therapy with Jasper for almost 2 months at this point and all that she intended to have happen was the first two nights. Starting to touch skin (not boobies) and deal with Edward actually feeling her scars. The last night, well they will talk about that later, so have no fear that I am ramping up for a ton of lemons and that Edward magically fixed her with his magic touch.

I know that I have been MIA, I'm sorry. I don't know how often I will be updating going forward, but I promise the story is NOT abandoned. I have a few friends that will be PM'ing, tweeting or e-mailing me to annoy me and make sure I keep posting. I have been looking through the rest of the story and I think there will be 7 more chapters, including the epi.

Yes, it is sooooo ok to be mad at Edward for telling Alice that Bella would go shopping with her. Have no fear, Bella will be getting him back for it!

Thank you all that are sticking with me.

Thank you to Nissa for pre-reading and giving me her thoughts and to Bob for beta'ing for me!

Also, Paul's trial is next. I know a LOT of you are nervous over it. Don't be to nervous. Paul is in jail right now, he will be going to prison and will NOT lay one finger on Bella. So don't freak that I am going to have him escape and kidnap her!


	44. Giving her Closure

I would like to say, before I even get to the chapter, thank you readers! I have been hearing more and more from authors that have received nasty reviews and/or PM's from people. I can't imagine how difficult it has to be to write something, put it out there, and then get slammed by people just wanting to be mean with no other agenda. Thank you sooooo much that you have all been supportive and wonderful. Yes, I've had the odd review telling me why my story sucks, it they are very far and few between and therefore easy to ignore. My readers are the bestest in fandom!

Chapter 44 – Finding Closure for Her

We were on a plane again, this time with my entire family, heading to Bella's home town so she could face the last monster she needed to battle. She was curled up in my lap, squeezed into a tight ball and ignoring everything going on around us. From the time Bella had woken up in New York she had become more withdrawn. I was at a loss as to how I could help her or what exactly was wrong. There was so much that could be affecting her at this point, and it killed me that I couldn't just fix everything for her, but I couldn't. She needed to find a way through the pain, and all I could do was continue to be there for her in any way she'd allow me.

The week had been a study in mounting stress. I wanted to talk to Bella about what had happened the last night in New York, wanting to reassure her that she was safe with me, that I would never let someone like Vladimir harm her. I also wanted to know what she was thinking about what had happened in the room later that night and if she regretted it or not.

The conversations never happened though. Bella had closed down and was almost non-responsive to everything. She had stopped eating and sleeping, to the point where Carlisle threatened to sedate and place a feeding tube in her. She simply looked at him, took three small bites of her sandwich and went upstairs and lay down with her eyes closed, but she never slept.

Jasper was ready to pull his hair out. He had plenty of book knowledge on how to deal with humans in stressful situations, but he had never actually had to physically counsel someone through it. He felt he was failing Bella. He spent many hours with her talking to her and trying to get her to open back up, but she simply sat staring at him.

The plane was descending and I nudged Bella letting her know. The only answer I got was a small shudder that went through her whole body.

Emmett spoke quietly. "Listen, Bella, we're going to head to the hotel and hang out there for the night before we meet with the DA tomorrow." It was so strange to see him so quiet and apprehensive, but Bella's withdrawal had affected him possibly more than any of us. It was like he had no clue what to do with Bella or how to talk to her anymore, so he appointed himself in charge of keeping track of what needed to happen while the trial was going on.

Bella simply stared straight ahead, giving no indication that she'd heard him. Emmett's face fell and Rose held him, whispering encouragement and love. I shifted Bella and continued stroking her hair and placing soft kisses on her head. No matter how she ignored the world around her, I didn't stray far from her, knowing that just being able to touch her would help keep her grounded, and I was going to give her whatever help I could, no matter how little it seemed.

Once we landed I picked Bella up off my lap and set her on the ground, knowing my family would bring any bags we needed. We quickly made it to the two waiting SUVs and I moved to help Bella into the passenger side, when suddenly she turned and walked to the driver's side.

"Love, where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm driving," she replied, with no inflection in her voice.

I was startled to hear her speak at all, but I was not about to let her drive with the distracted air she'd in the last week. I was scared for her safety. I tentatively asked, "Are you sure that's safe? Why don't I drive and you can relax?"

Bella turned and looked at me. "No, I'm driving. You've never let me drive anywhere. I've never said anything, but this is my home town, where I grew up. I know every street and business around. I'm capable of doing this."

_Watch yourself, Edward. She's feeling threatened and needs to feel like she has control of something. Let her drive._ Jasper was practically yelling through his thoughts.

I took a deep breath; it went against my nature to be driven by anyone, much less my fragile human mate, but if she needed this I was glad to give it to her. I leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Anything you want."

For the longest moment Bella looked deep into my eyes. I was overwhelmed by the emotions crossing her face that had been carved in stone for the last week. "Thank you," she whispered.

We made it to the hotel with no incident, thankfully. We had reserved four rooms that interconnected. Carlisle came into the room I was sharing with Bella. "Bella, I know you don't like drugs, but I think it's imperative that you get some sleep tonight. You need to be able to function at your best tomorrow. I'd like to give you a sedative tonight, something to help you sleep deeply and wake as refreshed as possible."

Bella stared at Carlisle, not responding for more than a minute, before she turned and looked at me. She said nothing, but slowly her eyes changed and I could see the question in them. I pulled her close to me. "I think it's a good idea. You know I'll be here with you the entire time. I won't let you out of my arms. You need to sleep. You haven't in way to long."

She continued to stare at me, until she finally turned to Carlisle and simply gave him a nod. He gave her a small smile. "I'd like to give you something a bit stronger than a sleeping pill. Can I give you a shot?"

She turned and looked at me. I simply gave her a small smile, trying not to make her feel like she had to do something she didn't want to. She turned back to Carlisle and gave him a small nod.

"Wonderful. I would like you to try eating a bit beforehand. Let me know when you're ready to sleep and I will come in and give you the injection."

That night Bella slept deeper than she had all week. I held her close and had a conference with my family. We talked about how the next few days would go and what needed to happen. I still wanted to be at the trial, but knew I would not win that battle.

The next day I held on tightly to Bella as we walked into the DA's office. Phil quickly came out and met us, taking us to a conference room. All of his thoughts were warm and fatherly towards Bella. He was surprised and pleased to see me with her. She had mentioned me and he was glad that, for the first time, Bella had brought someone to stand by her through everything going on. He knew Jasper would be there for her actual testimony, but thought that he was only her psychologist, and would be meeting with them both the next day.

When we were done with a long day of prep work I got ready to meet Bella's friends. I admitted to myself that I was incredibly nervous, as this was as close to meeting her family as I would get. We were all going for dinner, which already had me at a disadvantage, plus Bella was still insistent that she drove everywhere.

When we got to the restaurant I walked inside with Bella and immediately identified her friends. Each of them took in the sight of her and all of their thoughts indicated that she looked better than she had been in years. I thought back to how she looked four months ago and realized they were correct; she had gained a bit of weight, had color in her face, and her hair didn't hang limply like it had. I was glad their thoughts reminded me how far she had come, as I had been so focused on how far she had gone downhill over the past week.

They all came up and a round of welcomes started. At first I was surprised no one hugged her, and then quickly remembered how she used to hate being touched by others. In fact, over the last few days, the only one she allowed to touch her was me. The internal mantra that had been going through my head of killing Paul ramped up another notch.

I quickly zeroed in on Seth's thoughts. He was deeply in love with Bella and had been for years. He had been working up the courage to tell her well before the tragedy that had struck her life, but never managed to do it. After, Bella was so withdrawn he knew he couldn't approach her about anything romantic. Seeing me with her was difficult for him, but he was happy to see that Bella was healing and that she found someone to love. He glanced at me and his thoughts promised vengeance if I hurt her in anyway. If he only knew that there was no pain he could inflict on me that would cause me to suffer more than the act of harming Bella itself. Any pain she felt, I felt as well. I couldn't imagine what it would do to me if I caused her direct harm.

Conversation during dinner flowed with few interruptions. Her friends made me feel very welcome and none of them noticed that I wasn't really eating, but instead placing bits of food in the napkin on my lap. Bella talked a little, and while it was much less than I was used to, it was more than her friends were expecting.

Seth kept a closer eye on me, wanting to make sure I was truly a good guy, which I couldn't fault him for. Every time Bella turned to me for comfort or I brushed back her hair and she visibly relaxed, Seth's worry decreased. Her other friends noticed how she sought me out for comfort and were ecstatic that she hadn't lost the ability to love, and they knew it was love, because they didn't think there would be anything else that would allow Bella to be as open with me as she was.

When dinner was over, Bella looked tired, slightly relaxed and a bit sad. She gave me the keys to the car and I took them gladly. Once we were driving, I held her hand and kissed it. "Tell me what you're thinking, love. I can tell there is something going on in that beautiful head of yours."

Bella sighed. "I don't know. It's just, seeing my friends wasn't what I expected."

"How so?"

"Well, they're great, and I love them, don't get me wrong. I just don't feel as connected to them as I once did. It's like they are part of my old life, a life I don't want to go back to any more. It was wonderful seeing them, and talking about old times, but I can't see myself with them anymore, not day to day living here."

I felt a bit guilty that Bella's words made me so happy, but there was no denying they did. "Bella, what you're saying isn't bad. You've been living apart from them for a while, even when you were here you weren't doing things with them regularly, you're not the same person you were four years ago."

Bella sniffled a bit. "I know that. I just feel bad. They were all that got me through for so long. I know they're happy for me. I guess it's just that for so long all I've thought of is all the bad of not living here anymore and I forgot there was a lot of good, too."

"What do you want? Do you want to come back and visit more? Find a way for them to come out and visit you in Seattle?"

She was quiet for a moment. "No, I don't think so."

I didn't push her and she didn't offer anything else. I pondered if there was something I could do for her, but decided I would ask her more at a later date, when she wasn't under so much pressure.

The next day was difficult. Bella was meeting with both the DA Jenks and his assistant Phil. I was there along with Jasper and they were going over specific details and responses for Bella. I heard in their thoughts how they hated doing this to her, after she'd been through multiple trials already. Especially since Paul was being changed for raping multiple women and Bella's testimony wasn't necessary for him to be locked up for many years. They knew though, that she needed to testify for closure.

They spent time talking to Jasper about what he would be allowed to do and how much help he could give Bella. They were surprised that I wouldn't be outside the courtroom waiting, but neither commented. I still hated that my family had me relegated to the hotel room during Bella's testimony, but I knew they were right. If I was close enough to Paul, I would likely kill him and that wouldn't help anything, much less Bella, who expressly told all of us she didn't want anything to happen to any of the scum bags whom had hurt her.

Two days later Bella was at the courthouse, waiting for her chance to testify. My chest felt hollow and I was physically in pain. It hurt to know my mate was suffering and that I couldn't go to her - that I was, in fact, ignoring the need to go to her. Both Jasper and Bella texted often, letting us know they were okay and that Bella hadn't been called yet. My family tried to distract me, but I completely ignored them.

At 3:49 pm I got the message from Jasper that Bella was being called. I held my head in my hands, stopped taking so much as a breath, waiting to hear more. At 5:02 pm Jasper messaged me that Bella was done for the day and would continue tomorrow. Very little testimony had been given, past background on who Bella was and basic information about her life leading up to the night in question. The hard questions would be coming the next day.

I closed my phone and decided to wait for Bella in the lobby. I didn't even want to wait the few minutes it would take for her to get to the room, before I could hold her again. I stood counting the seconds and thirty-three minutes later, Jasper pulled in. I went out and pulled Bella from the car and held her tightly, breathing in her scent. On a visceral level needing to reassure myself she was alive and fine.

Bella must have needed me as badly, as she held me as tight as her little arms could. She was crying and kept saying, "I missed you so much."

I continued hold her, telling her, "I'm right here."

Finally, Bella started pulling away. I looked around and saw we had gathered a bit of an audience. Their thoughts all showed they knew who Bella was and all felt sympathy for what she was going through. I slowly walked us back to our room, and Bella closed the door connecting our room to Carlisle and Esme's room.

She looked at me with huge sad eyes. "I need to feel you."

"Whatever you need."

Taking a deep breath she walked up to me, and slowly lifted my shirt and I pulled it off completely. She looked at our bed and pushed me towards it. I got the hint and I took my shoes off and pulled the covers back climbing in. She looked at me steadily before saying, "Can you close your eyes?"

I promptly closed them and heard the rustling of what I assumed was Bella removing her shirt. I quickly moved and turned on the electric blanket we had brought to keep Bella warm when in bed with me.

Soon I felt her getting into bed. She draped herself over me. "Please don't think this is something we will be doing often, but I _needed_ to feel you."

I simply pulled her in tighter to me completely understanding. The form of our bond meant that touch was instrumental in our being able to grow and heal together. I needed to feel as much of her as she did of me, but I would never have asked her to do something like she was now, though I was more than happy she had asked. "Whatever you need, I'll give you. Just rest for a bit. Do you need to talk?" I kissed the top of her head and kept my hand slowly petting her hair.

She simply shook her head and burrowed down as close as she could to me. After a bit she asked, "Will you please sing or hum to me?"

"Of course." I chose to hum, hoping she would fall asleep, which she didn't do, but she did seem to relax a bit.

The next day found me in the same state I had been yesterday afternoon. The only thing that broke me out of my stupor was she Jasper texted me at lunch, letting me know that Bella was doing okay, but wasn't able to talk at this point. He was trying to keep her calm. I took a deep breath, wanting to bang my head against the wall. I understood Bella not calling me; Jasper had prepared me for this, last night, while Bella slept. He assumed she would be in a zone and talking to me would possibly be stressful. I understood, but I still hated it.

Finally, I got the message I wanted; Bella was done and coming back. I rushed downstairs, my family following close behind me, assuming I was leaving because Bella was coming back. Jasper pulled in and again I was there instantly, grabbing Bella, who fell into my arms crying. I just rocked her, telling her how proud I was and that I loved her so much.

That only lasted for a little bit before the thoughts Jasper was trying to hide came through. Jasper was never as good at blocking his thoughts from me as some of my other family members and I never regretted it until now. I saw a glimpse of his thoughts, showing that Paul had become sexually aroused when the video of Bella's rape had been playing.

I turned, pushing Bella away from me. I took three steps when all hell broke loose. Jasper called out, "Stop him!"

Emmett and Carlisle both turned and grabbed one of my arms. I tried to fight them off, but I was in a mindless rage. All I could think of was that someone had hurt my mate and they needed to die. The only thing I could see was Paul's face as I pulled his head off. All I could feel was his blood flowing through my fingers. His last shuddering breath as he died was all I could hear.

Carlisle was valiantly trying to talk to me, to get me to embrace my human side, but he couldn't reach me. No, the monster was out of its cage and all I could do was react to my animal instincts. I kept thrashing and growling in Emmett and Carlisle's arms, needing to get away.

Finally, something got through the red haze of my mind. I could hear Bella crying. Suddenly I was torn. I didn't know if I should continue going after Paul or if I should be with my mate. I knew she was hurting, but Paul needed to die. I turned and looked at her, broken in Esme and Rose's arms. Then I turned and looked towards the courthouse, where my prey was. I kept looking between the two, trying to figure out what to do.

Carlisle kept up a steady stream of words, trying to bring me back to sanity. I turned, tried to focus on what he was saying and eventually I calmed enough to hear his words. I allowed him to continue talking and slowly relaxed under his ministrations. Bit by bit I was coming back to myself and the monster was losing control. I took a deep breath, bringing myself into clearer focus on the here and now. I saw I was now between our SUV's where no one could see how out of control I had gotten.

I turned to Bella. Emmett and Carlisle released me and I slowly walked to her. She looked up at me with her large doe eyes and I could see the trepidation and fear in them. I had never hated myself like I did right then. My wounded love was now scared of me, because I couldn't control my actions.

I opened my arms. Bella looked at me and paused, before she slowly walked up to me. When she stepped into my arms I held her very loosely, though everything in me wanted to grab her as tightly as I could. "I'm so sorry," I said.

She took a tremulous breath. "What happened?" she asked.

I looked over at Jasper, who looked ashamed of himself. Alice was with him, giving him whatever comfort she could. I looked back at Bella. "It was my fault. Jasper had, a thought about your testimony and the courtroom today. It set me off and I just reacted."

Bella looked at me concerned. "What did you see? Did you see any of the video? What made you so mad? Was it something I said or did?"

I took a deep breath. I didn't want to talk about this; I didn't want to tell her how completely sick Paul was, but I needed to let her know it wasn't her, which I knew she thought right now. "No, Bella, it wasn't you. Jasper showed me something with Paul. I don't want to explain more than that. It had nothing to do with you. You're perfect just the way you are." My entire family was wondering what it was that happened, but they weren't going to ask at this point.

I turned us and started walking back to our room. Carlisle asked, _are you okay, Edward?_ I simply nodded. _Can any of us do something?_ I shook my head. _Do you want us to leave you both alone, like yesterday?_ I glanced at Bella and gave a small shrug; it would depend on what she wanted.

I was just glad everything was over. Bella would never need to testify again. She would never have to face one more person that had harmed her. My thoughts turned to what next. I knew at one point she had planned on killing herself when everything was done. I know she and Jasper had talked about it and that she no longer had that immediate plan, but I wondered what was going through her head now. Would the idea come up again, or was she truly healed enough to not want to die.

I let Bella lead us and she chose to go to Jasper and Alice's room, where the rest of my family went. I was surprised she didn't want to be alone as she had yesterday, but I didn't object. I sat in a chair, pulling her onto my lap. She slipped a hand under my shirt and I returned the action, needing to feel her.

"How are you doing?" I asked Bella.

She shrugged. "I guess I'm alright. Tired, very tired, but alright. I think I'm glad it's all over, but part of me thinks there should be something, I don't know, something to show it's finally over."

I think I understood what she meant. I wanted to ask something more specific, but didn't know how to word asking if she still planned on killing herself.

Jasper then asked. "Bella, I know we've talked about how you'd feel when this was all over. What you would do. I need to know if you have any thoughts about harming yourself."

Bella thought for a long moment before turning to Jasper. "No, I don't want to die. I still have some guilt that I'm alive, but no, I don't want to kill myself."

Relief washed over me and a tightness I didn't even know I had loosened. Jasper glanced at me and smiled. He had felt my emotions calming.

Carlisle asked Bella, "What do you want to do? I would like to give you a sedative for tonight. Do you want to stay here tonight or do you want to fly back to Seattle? "

""I want to go home, but I think it would be better to sleep here tonight. Is that okay?"

Carlisle smiled. "Of course it is, my dear. Why don't you get into something comfortable and we will get you some rest."

She looked at me in trepidation. I kissed her forehead. "I promise, I'm in control of myself and won't do anything stupid. I will be here holding onto you the entire time."

She kissed me and went to get changed. I took a deep breath, glad this mess was over and looking forward to the next step of our lives, with nothing hanging over us, threatening our peace.

* * *

YEY! I updated in 3 week and not 3 months! Let the people shout! I know this chapter is very different than every single one of you expected for the trial, seriously, you have no clue how much I struggled writing it, knowing that expectations would not be met, but I had to write what I felt was in character for the people I have created. There was no way I could get Edward to that trial, his family and Bella would never have allowed it. If he had been waiting outside the courtroom he would have seen and heard everything through the thoughts of those present and that would have distressed Bella to no end. Now Edward did have a bit of a melt down. I wonder how you will all take that. Edward is not perfect and can be a hot head, but in the end did the right thing.

Anyway, enough of my blabbering. Thank you Nissa that pre-read and gave me a few ideas. To Bob aka Heather who beta'd and placed commas for me. To all my readers that have stuck with me!


	45. Fixing the Details

Chapter 45 – Fixing the Details

It was two days after the trial for Paul. We were home and today was our first day back in class. Most of my attention was focused on Bella and how she was doing. She was still withdrawn, though not as much as she had been before the trail. She was eating more, though not enough, but her nights were plagued with nightmares. Jasper assured me that this was an expected reaction and that they would continue for a while and eventually taper off.

Bella seemed to be doing fine in the classes we shared that morning. She was slightly more clingy than normal, but not excessively so. We walked into the quad and I saw Emmett had already set out a cup of soup for Bella. When she saw it she smiled and thanked him.

"No problem, Belly. I know you like soup, though I draw the line at getting you tomato soup, 'cause if you wanted to drink down something thick and red, we'll just get you changed."

Everyone at the table froze. I'd never talked to Bella about her being changed. I didn't even know what I thought about it. Jasper and Carlisle had been adamant that Bella's mental state needed to be sorted out before it was even discussed. There was no way she could enter into immortality with the mental state she had been in and have any hope of trying to live semi-normally.

I didn't know how I felt about Bella being changed. In the past few months, my ideas and thoughts about vampires retaining their soul after their change had been shaken. I was no longer one-hundred percent convinced that we did lose our souls, though I still leaned toward that idea. Bella, without actively trying, had caused me to question my long held conviction, with her unerring faith in God and her belief in me.

Knowing Bella needed to be in a better place emotionally let me table the idea of changing her and pretend the idea never existed. She never brought it up or asked questions. That caused me to momentarily ponder what her thoughts on the matter were. Bella was nothing, if not a curious person, and if she wanted to be changed, I couldn't picture her not asking many questions.

I turned to Emmett and glared. "That isn't even funny." I felt Bella stiffen up next to me.

Emmett tried to back-track. "What? I was just saying . . . I didn't mean Bella should get changed today or anything. Calm down."

Jasper spoke up. "This conversation is best left for other places."

"Masen, Cullen, Hale, ladies, what's up?" Mike asked.

I cringed. I was so focused on Emmett and his stupid comment, I didn't notice Mike come in, nor his thoughts about trying to impress and win Bella. I snorted in disgust; there was no way she was ever going to be with an egotistical frat boy like Mike.

Emmett turned and looked at Mike. "Hey, Newton, what's up?"

"Where have you all been?" he asked, looking at Bella. He was livid that she was now with me and still held out hope that he could convince her that he was the guy meant for her.

Jasper answered him, "We've been out of town taking care of some business. Don't worry about it." His tone left no doubt that the discussion was to be dropped, and I was slightly shocked that Newton got the drift and didn't ask more.

"Whatever. Listen, are you all going to be at the Beta party this Friday? It'll be sweet."

I groaned. The idea of a fraternity party right now was enough to make me want to vomit. With everything Bella had been through, I didn't want to be anywhere near that environment and I had no clue how she managed to bring herself to go to any parties. My respect for her courage went up again.

Alice looked into the future at a rate I couldn't keep up with. "Sure, I'd love to go to a party. Wouldn't you, Rose?" she asked, shocking all of us.

Rose gave Alice a questioning look before saying, "Yeah, I guess it would be nice to dance."

I glared at Alice. "Actually, I don't feel much like a party right now."

Bella shifted in her seat so she was closer to me.

Alice smiled. "That's okay. If you want to stay home and brood, you're welcome to."

Mike could hardly contain himself. "Yeah, Eddie, you don't have to come if you don't want to."

Bella whispered to me, "I don't want to go either."

I kissed the top of her head. "That's fine. We can have a quiet night at home together."

She pulled back a bit and looked at me. There was fear in her eyes, which hurt me to see. Maybe I would talk to Carlisle about being gone that night as well. I wanted to talk to Bella and privacy would be nice.

Alice had heard Bella whisper and decided to burst Mike's bubble. "Bella, are you coming, too?"

"No, I think I'll stay with Edward. I could use some quiet time."

Mike's thoughts turned dark. He was imagining what we would be doing together and hated that she would be with me and not him. Little did he know that his imaginings were way off, but just the fact that he was picturing her naked made me want to rip his head off.

Jasper sent waves of calm towards me. _Stop letting him get to you. I'm sure his thoughts are tough to take, but you know Bella wouldn't go near him. Concentrate on her. She can feel you tensed up and it is ramping up her stress. _

I kissed Bella's head again, and then spoke loud enough for Mike to hear. "We can make a night of it. I'll get your favorite ice cream and movie and we can veg out on the couch. How does that sound?"

I could feel some of the tension leave her. Mike turned and walked off, pissed. I smiled.

The next few days passed with few incidents. Bella was smiling a little more, though she seemed to be avoiding me. We spent no time together away from my family, except at night, where she was tense, before falling asleep. I didn't ask questions or push her, knowing we would have time to talk on Friday. Carlisle was going to take Esme out so we would be alone.

When my siblings left, I pulled out the mint chocolate chip ice cream I had gotten for Bella and put in her favorite movie. She came into the living room and looked panicked for a moment, before slowly walking over and sitting next to me. Instead of cuddling up to me, or crawling onto my lap, like she had in the past, she simply sat next to me. I held back a sigh, wanting to wait before talking to her.

When the movie was done, I shut it off and moved back towards Bella. Instead of sitting next to her, I knelt in front of her and placed my hands on her knees.

"Talk to me Bella. Tell me what's going on. I can't fix something I don't know about. I can't help you if you won't let me in."

Tears started welling up in her eyes. I waited patiently for her to say something, anything.

Finally, she took a deep breath. "I hate myself."

I waited for more, but there didn't seem to be an explanation coming. "Why do you hate yourself?"

She glanced at me and looked away. "For what happened in New York. I acted like a slut."

I couldn't help the growl that came out. "Unless you were somewhere I'm unaware of, away from me, doing something I know you didn't do, then I know you never acted like a slut."

Bella turned her hopeless eyes on me. "How can you say that after Saturday night? I-I-I acted deplorably. I don't even know what I was thinking, or why I did that. I don't know what to think or what you must think of me."

I took a deep breath, hoping the useless function would give me sudden insight on how to deal with my misguided mate. "Let's work through this one part at a time, okay. I don't think you did anything wrong; unexpected - yes, wrong - no."

She stared and gave no response.

"First, you took the weekend as an opportunity to push some of your boundaries. Thursday and Friday night we explored more with each other than we had previously. That, of course, doesn't mean that what happened Saturday was planned, but it does mean the bond we have been forming strengthened that weekend. Our bond grows and re-establishes itself through touch. Because of those touches, innocent as they really were, our bond was pulling a little harder, already wanting more contact, more depth. Does that make sense?"

"Are you saying that if we touch more intimately, it will push us to keep doing more and more?" I could hear the slight panic and edge in her voice.

"A little, maybe, but that, added to the rest of what happened, pushed things further. If the panic and fear that Vladimir caused hadn't happened, the pull to be together more wouldn't have overwhelmed us both."

She was lost in thought for a moment and finally nodded. "That's why last week I needed to feel more of you, so we were able to lay chest to chest, but I didn't later feel compelled to do more."

"Exactly. You needed me that day, as much as I needed you. Our bond pushed so we could connect like that. The fear and uncertainty we both felt made us want to touch. There wasn't panic though, to drive us to make hasty decisions."

Bella nodded.

"Now, add to the heightened vampire mating instincts you have because you are mated to me, you also had your regular human instincts which were fueled by adrenaline. It is normal for people that have been through life threatening experiences to have an increased sexual drive."

"So you're saying it was inevitable? That seems like a pretty convenient argument."

"It wasn't inevitable, necessarily, but it wasn't something that either of us would have let happen in normal circumstances. You hate yourself because you let things progress too far. Do you hate me as well? I was there, too."

"No, I don't hate you. You're a man and I was throwing myself at you. It wouldn't be fair for me to have expected you to not react like you did."

"Bullshit! Bella, I don't think you have ever said anything that truly angered me before, but right now you are close." It was rare of me to swear, but somehow this seemed an appropriate time to do so.

She shrunk down before me.

"Yes, I am a man. Yes, I am a vampire that wanted to be with my mate. Yes, I was scared you were going to die and wanted to feel in the deepest way possible that you were still alive. Yes, I felt guilt that because you were with me, you were put in the path of a psychopathic monster and I wanted to find away to no longer hate myself. None of that excuses me, or anyone, from pushing a woman to do what she doesn't want to do. None of that means you should expect and be okay with what happened, if you aren't. We were both there and I had just as much ability to stop things as you did."

I was livid. I couldn't believe that after months of therapy, Bella was making such comments. I had stayed out of her therapy - never asking Jasper questions or telling him what to do. Tonight though, he and I were going to have words. I needed to know if this was something they were working on, or if he didn't even know it was going on.

Bella was crying in earnest now and I pulled her close to me. She kept repeating that she was sorry and I held her, telling her I loved her and always would.

When she stopped crying, she looked at me. "Please don't hate me."

"Silly girl, I could never hate you. I just don't want you to ever feel you have to accept someone touching you, if you don't want it. That goes for me especially. There is never a circumstance where things have gone too far or where you should feel like I have the right to hurt you."

She blushed. "You didn't hurt me, and that night, at that time; I thought it was what I wanted. Well, I didn't actually think, but please don't believe you did something I didn't want at the time."

I nodded. We were both acting on instinct and fear that night, neither of us thinking much at all. Really, if either of us was to blame, it would be me. I should have kept a better hold on things and not allowed things to progress as they did.

"I know this is probably beating a dead horse, but I want to make sure that we are always on the same page. I will not touch you in ways that you have not touched me first."

She nodded.

"Everything we did on Thursday and Friday night: is that still okay, or do you need to take a step back?"

She smiled, reached over and caressed my neck. She then slowly caressed her way down the center of my chest, so much like she'd done on Thursday night, but with less hesitancy. "Yes, I think that I am okay with those boundaries for now."

I smiled. "Good, I'm glad to hear it." I paused, wondering if I should push for more answers tonight and decided that now, with my family gone, was the best time to get everything on the table.

I brushed her hair back from her neck. "Bella, can we talk for a minute about why you should be mad at me?"

She looked confused. "Should be mad at you? Why should I be mad at you?"

I groaned. Only Bella would be clueless as to what she should be upset about. "How about the fact that, because of me, you ended up so close to a human-drinking monster."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. That wasn't your fault and could have happened at anytime. Edward, you don't seem to get that I am a danger magnet." She then snorted. "Odds are you saved my life. I mean really, with my track record, he would have smelled me anyway and come after me. Your being there stopped him from killing me."

I started to argue, and then thought about it. Bella did seem to attract more danger than the typical human. Why else would she be sitting here with me, knowing how her blood called me?

I got up from the ground, sat on the couch and pulled Bella onto my lap. "Is there anything else we need to talk about? Is there anything else going on in that head of yours?"

Bella cuddled into me like she hadn't all week. "Nope. I think I'm good. I've missed cuddling up with you."

"I missed it too. Please, if there ever is a reason you don't want to cuddle with me, talk to me. Let me know what's going on."

"I promise."

Later that night, when my family was home and Bella was asleep in my arms, I called for Jasper. "How are things going with you two?" he asked. "The last few weeks have been a lot take in,"

"We're doing okay, I think. We talked a lot tonight and that is what I wanted to talk to you about. I know I've stayed out of Bella's therapy, other than letting you know if something happens that I think you should know about, but tonight something happened that really made me question if Bella is getting better at all."

My entire family's attention was now focused on us. "What happened?"

"I was talking to Bella, working though what happened between us Saturday night. Things went further than they should have and we needed to talk through it."

"What do you mean things went further than they should have?"

"We didn't have sex, but . . . well . . ."

Alice called out. "They were dry humping."

"Thanks, Alice." I rolled my eyes.

"Edward! What the fuck, man? You know what she went through and you did that to her."

I could hear the growls of Rose and Emmett. Carlisle kept them downstairs, otherwise they would have been up here hitting me. "It wasn't like that. Just, man, things were so out of control after Vladimir, then we got back to the hotel and started kissing and it just happened."

Jasper groaned. "I get it. I can see how it happened. You shouldn't take the fact that she's been slightly distant to mean she isn't healing. You both were not thinking. Yeah, I'm sure that caused confusion for her, but I'm guessing you talked through it. Do you think she's doing better?"

"Yeah, we talked, but that isn't why I'm concerned. Bella hated and blamed herself for what happened. I guess that isn't shocking. What is shocking though is that she in no way blamed me and, in fact, said that it is expected that I shouldn't be able to control myself, since I'm a guy and had a girl throwing herself at me."

Now my whole family was in my room, talking over each other. Jasper called out, slightly louder than the hushed tones we had been talking in, so as to not wake Bella, "Stop it. No, this isn't good to hear, and Bella needs to learn that she should never be expected to do anything sexually. It doesn't mean she isn't healing. We haven't talked about it much in therapy. Our focus has been on getting her through the trial and living day to day. We will be talking more about expectations and about how she should demand for others to treat her and her body with respect. It isn't something I have emphasized yet, because I know she's with you and that you won't push her or make her think she has to do anything physical with you."

I pulled Bella closer to me. I knew she needed to deal with everything that had happened, but I guess I hadn't thought through how many of her thoughts and beliefs had been damaged. I was more committed than ever to making sure that I never pushed her in any way to think I wanted more from her than she had already given me.

I was happy when Bella woke the next morning and seemed to be more comfortable with me. She was not hesitant to spend the morning alone in our room together or to cuddle up to me as she had before.

The next two weeks passed in relative quiet. Bella continued coming out of her shell and was getting back to the feisty girl that I had seen a month ago. Jasper let me know that he and Bella talked more about everything that happened in New York, and he was starting to work with her more on her self-image and boundaries.

The second Saturday in March brought the biggest smile to my face. My love was giving a beat down to Alice, and seeing her stand up for herself showed me she was truly healing.

Alice had come down to bug Bella at breakfast. "Bella, we haven't been shopping in ages. I think a girl's day is in order."

"Nope," Bella said.

Alice looked at Bella in shock, and then collected herself. "Ha ha. I found this awesome, out of the way boutique that has some of the most darling outfits that I know you would look perfect it."

"Nope," was all Bella said.

I looked between the girls and shrugged my shoulders, when Alice gave me a questioning look.

"Bella, why don't you want to go shopping with me?" Alice pouted.

"Ask Edward."

I had no clue what she meant. "Me? Why would she ask me? I have no clue why you don't want to go shopping with her."

Bella looked me square in the eye. "It's simple. You are the one that made a deal with Alice that I would go to Fashion Week with her in Milan, without even consulting with me about it. I don't want to go and would never have agreed to such a thing. So, since I have to spend a week in shopping hell, I've decided I won't do a single second of shopping before that."

Alice's jaw dropped. She scanned the future and saw that every time she planned a shopping trip Bella would refuse to go. Not only that, Bella wouldn't wear a single outfit that Alice planned on buying her. "No," Alice screeched.

Bella gave Alice an innocent look. "What?"

Alice turned on me. "Fix this!"

I shrugged. "What do you want me to do? If Bella doesn't want to go shopping, I certainly won't make her."

"But . . . but . . ." Alice was beyond the ability to speak. I had never seen her so distraught. Secretly, I was proud and amazed at Bella. She'd found the perfect way around Alice. There was no way Alice could go months without seeing Bella in a new outfit. The rest of my family's thoughts showed they were impressed with my angel as well.

Bella kept eating her breakfast, acting like she was completely unaware of the chaos she'd created. I knew her enough to see the signs that she was fighting back laughter.

Alice squared her shoulders determined to bargain. "Bella, you can't do that. I understand that Fashion Week wasn't your idea, but I know we'll have fun. Let's compromise. You can miss half of the pre-shows in return for regular shopping trips."

Bella didn't even glance up from her cereal. "Nope."

Alice groaned. "I'll let Edward come with."

"Nope."

Alice spent the next ten minutes trying finagle a way for Bella to go to part of fashion week and still go shopping with her in the meantime. Alice finally gave up arguing and sat, trying it figure out if she would rather do fashion week with Bella or regular shopping. In the end, the idea of Bella not wearing anything new for months on end pushed Alice to give in.

"Fine, you win! No, Fashion Week, but you had better get some comfortable shoes on, because we are leaving now and won't be back until the last store closes!"

Bella gave Alice a small smile. "I'm fine with that, pixie." She turned to me. "Are you coming?"

Alice shook her head. "Oh, no. I didn't say any boys were invited."

Bella laughed. "Tough, Alice. I don't trust you to keep this human fed and watered. Edward comes with and I promise I will let you buy me two new sets of heels."

Alice looked at Bella, trying to read if she could get more out of the deal. Finally, she nodded her head. "Fine."

It was now almost nine o'clock at night and Bella was dragging. I admired her stamina and ability to keep Alice happy all day, while still maneuvering her way around things she didn't want to wear.

As we were coming out of the last store, Alice was gushing over a sapphire shirt that Bella tried on. Suddenly, Alice stopped, as a vision came over her. Three nomad vampires had picked up our scent and were coming to investigate who we were, and we had nowhere to run before they got to us.

* * *

I am sorry this AN is going to be long.

First thank you to Nissa for all of her pre-reading and the thoughts, ideas and help she gives. I love that she sends me epically long e-mails on her iPhone. Thank you to Bob who always takes time to beta and give my chapters a quick once over. I need a lot of help.

I love all of my readers. You all have been awesome the last two chapters with your reactions to Edward, Bella and their situations. Thank you. Last chapter some people were happy that there was no trial and some wished to see more. I tried to have Edward see the trial. That was my wish from the beginning, but I couldn't logically find a way for him to be there and not kill people. So, for those that want to see the trial, I am thinking about doing a Jasper POV in an out take when I am all done. I have a few out takes I would like to do. That is one, possibly the game where they were using Bella as a ball, next chapter from Alice's pov. I also want to do a few from BPOV. I haven't done much from hers and her story is different. She realized she loved Edward in a much different way than he did. So, I may do a few chapters from her POV. Again this will all be after DBtD is over.

I am hoping to get DBtD done sooner rather than later. I had hoped to have it done before it's second Anniversary which is the end of Sept. I, unexpectedly, took a full-time job that begins Aug 8. That will obviously affect my writing time. So, I am hoping to get as much written in the next 6 weeks as I can. I have the rest of the story mapped out and tentative chapters sectioned off, though sometimes chapters take more or less writing than planned, but right now I am thinking 51 chapters with an Epi.

When DbtD is done I will be continuing with For the Love of my Mistress (I hope to write 1 or 2 chapters for that this summer as well) and then I am considering starting another story. We will see. It is a completely non-angst story and by definition if there is no angst that makes it fluff and I don't know if I can do all fluff. LOL I like my angst. The premise of the story is much the same in that it is a veggie vamp Edward meeting his mate Bella and what happens. The twist is that he doesn't know the Cullens and has lived his vamp life alone. We will see, how much time I have come August.

Now reviews. I have been replying to reviews but get weird messages sometimes. If you aren't getting a reply, I'm sorry. If you don't have PM activated I don't think I can send RR with how FF changed things around. Thank you to all of my readers and especially to all of you that review and tell me what you like and even those of you that swear at a character. I truly love it and I do a fan girl screech when I see I have a new review.

Lastly, the story is winding down. Does anyone have anything that tickles there mind as something that hasn't been addressed? A questions they have been wondering about. Yes, I know you want to know if Bella will get changed, you will have to wait to see, but other things hanging? I've tried to close up any holes that I thought there were but I would hate to have something hanging.

OKAY! Long AN done!


	46. What have I Done?

Chapter 46 – What have I Done?

I watched Alice's visions of the three nomads heading our way who had picked up our scent were wondering who we were. They were human drinkers and would be upon us in less than a minute. Alice saw no way for us to survive the encounter as these nomads killed any vampire that crossed their path. We were in a parking lot and even if we tried to make a run for it one of the vampires was a tracker and he would hunt us down before we made it home. As they neared I pick through the nomad's thoughts and tried to find anything that would give us an advantage.

I pulled out my phone and called Carlisle, knowing no one would be able to get to us in time. As soon as he answered, I simply said, "We've got trouble. Get here as fast as you can. Bring Jasper and Emmett." I pocketed the phone without hanging up, knowing he would be listening to everything going on.

Bella turned to me, completely confused as to why we had stopped in the middle of the parking lot. "There are three human-drinking vampires heading this way. They're too close for us to run. Don't speak; just follow Alice's and my lead. Please trust in what Alice and I do, she will be watching the future and I will be searching through their thoughts. Even if I say or do something that you're questioning, please just go along."

Bella's heart was racing and her eyes showed how panicked she was. "I love you," she whispered. I kissed her quickly.

I turned to Alice who was still searching out futures for us to all get out alive. "The head of the coven won't be the one that addresses us; he doesn't want us to know he's in charge. He and his mate are a particularly vicious brand of vampire that likes to play with their food," I said to Alice too quietly for Bella to hear. She didn't need to know the possible future that possibly awaited her that I would do all in my power to avoid.

We continued walking to our car. I kept a tight hand on Bella's hip. As we reached my Audi, the three vampires appeared before us. They looked like so many of our kind, bedraggled from not living in a permanent place where they could keep clean or presentable.

The head of the coven's thoughts showed he was shocked to see Alice. I hide my surprised that he knew Alice, or I guess Mary Alice as her human name was. She knew nothing of her life before she was turned and this vampire, while not her sire, knew her when she was human. He had been searching for her after she was changed and was ecstatic to have finally found her. The nomad, knew her when she was a resident in a mental asylum, held there because of her visions. He was practically salivating wondering if she still had them now that she had been turned.

His mate was incredibly arrogant. She took pride in being his mate. She idolized him and was incredibly curious as to why we had a human with us. She was contemplating a party where we could all bring a human and drink together.

The third of the group was a little different. He hadn't been with the other two for long and was getting sick of the games they played with their victims. The coven leaders thought he was better than any other vampire, and that attitude was getting old.

"Hello," I said. "I'm Edward."

"Hello. I'm Laurent, this is James and Victoria," the third member of the group said, pointing everyone out as he introduced them.

I nodded. "This is Alice and Bella."

Laurent's eyebrows shot up. "Bella, is she a pet?"

I considered saying yes like I had with Vladimir, but Alice saw there was a ray of hope if I responded differently. "No, she's my mate."

Victoria scoffed. "A human! That's disgusting."

James' curiosity was piqued. For the first time since arriving, his attention was pulled from Alice as he considered Bella and what she might be worth. He couldn't imagine a scenario where a vampire would keep a human that didn't include said human having an amazing gift to exploit.

It took all I had to not growl, knowing if I did that he could guess I possibly heard his thoughts. "Unorthodox – possibly. Disgusting – no. It wasn't planned, but the bond is as strong as it would be if she was a vampire."

Alice started to see a way for us all to get out alive, though I was loathed to follow it. James liked to play, if I let him take Bella and chase them, there might be a way out. I was dying inside. I had no choice but to play James' sick game.

James smirked, completely unaware of what I knew. "Really, the bond already fully complete. How very interesting." He looked at Bella. "Well sweetheart, what's it like being with a vampire? Do you let him drink from you?" He inhaled deeply. "What a sweet scent you have. Almost the best I've ever smelled." With that he turned to Alice. "You, my dear, had a scent like no other. I was looking forward to drinking from you before that idiot turned you. Though, seeing how beautiful you look in immortality I can almost forgive him."

Alice tried to act shocked, but she'd seen a vision of James explaining how he had seen her as a human. "You know who I am? I have no memories from when I was a human," she lied easily.

James was intrigued. "Well I would love to tell you as much as I know, Mary Alice." He turned to Bella. "Maybe your friend would like to come with us." He smirked at me, under the delusion that Alice wasn't mated and we were traveling together. James knew I couldn't do much in a parking lot full of humans, so he was banking on me tracking them down alone.

Bella grabbed on to me as tightly as she could. "Please," she whimpered. I wished I could say more to let her know that this was the best way to protect her. I hated that I had to do this and only hoped she had enough faith in me and my love to know I wasn't abandoning her.

James laughed. "Oh, no worries there, babe. I won't make you stay with me. Your mate here can come get you whenever he wants. I figure Mary Alice would appreciate a friendly face for the first few days while she gets to know my coven." The threat was obvious, I had three days, four at most, before James killed Bella out right.

I gritted my teeth. "No harm better come to her." I was doing all I could to keep the monster locked up. The threat to my mate was causing him to go wild, and I knew if he was released that nothing good would come of it. We would all die, that was the only thing that kept my humanity in control.

James gave me look that promised all manner of torture. "That all depends on Mary Alice here. She'll be in charge of making sure that Bella is well taken care of." I saw in James' thoughts an abandoned cabin where he was heading, except I didn't know where it was located.

Alice looked at me and said, "Edward, you know I've always wanted to know more about my past. I'm sure Bella will be fine. I'll call you in a few days and tell you where we are." Her thoughts let me know she was more than aware of what James was and that she would do everything in her power to keep Bella from being harmed.

James was laughing inside his head, thinking Alice was naïve enough to think that he wouldn't harm Bella. Victoria was worried about James' new obsession with Alice and had her own plans for making sure that his attention didn't stray for too long. Laurent didn't like the idea of parting mates, but figured it was inevitable that the human would die anyway, so why not now.

"I know you've always wanted to know more Alice," I said. "Please take care of Bella. Promise to call soon or I will have to come find her."

James reached for Alice. "You do that, Eddie. Alice, do you have a car around here?"

I handed her my keys and turned towards Bella. "Take care of Alice, sweetheart. I'll see you soon." I kissed her forehead. Everything in me fought to not let go of her, but I knew I didn't have any options. If I didn't let go of her there would be some kind of altercation and there was no way we would make it through without exposing what we were. The Volturi would hear of what we had done and even if we took James' coven out, they would kill us all.

Bella looked at me and tried to smile. "Of course I'll take care of her. Don't be gone too long." I saw the confusion and fear in her eyes. I wanted so badly to explain what was happening, but she was doing as I asked, playing along with what Alice and I directed. I'm glad she wasn't begging me to let her stay because I don't know if I would have been able to let her go, as it was I was fighting myself to open my hands to let her go.

James grabbed Bella roughly. "Yeah, Eddie, don't be too long. I know it can be painful to be away from your mate. It would be horrible if you were away from her so long that she . . . died of a broken heart." He smirked.

I couldn't help the growl that came out and James laughed knowing his message was received.

He had Alice's keys and shoved Bella in the back seat with Alice and Laurent. Alice held Bella close and continued to give me as many visions as she could showing where they were heading.

As soon as they were out of hearing distance I picked up my phone knowing everything that had been said Carlisle had heard.. "Where are you?"

He responded. "We are twenty minutes away."

My entire family was with him so I filled them in on everything that the nomads thought and all of Alice's visions. Jasper maintained a low level growl through the entire conversation. James had no idea what he'd done taking Jasper's mate. He was known as the God of War after the destruction that he'd help spread during the vampire wars in the south. I was glad he was on our side.

Twenty-three minutes later Emmett pulled up in his Yukon and I hopped into the back. My family's thoughts were chaotic, which wasn't helping me keep calm. Jasper's emotions were volatile and in his state he was projecting them. I feared something was going to happen before we found the girls.

Carlisle stepped in, knowing he needed to calm the situation. "Jasper," he said. Jasper's coal black eyes focused on him, promising death. "I know you need your mate back, but you need to calm down. I need you to think this through. We need to strategize to get Alice back safely. Take a deep breath and think about Alice and the strength she needs from you. If you are panicked she will know and it will hurt her. You know she's watching your future right now." He kept repeating Alice's name, hoping to ground Jasper.

Jasper's thoughts slowly focused on Carlisle's words. He gained control of his dark side and started planning out what needed to happen. "Okay, when we get home, Edward, Emmett and I will get on the computer and track the GPS chips that are in the car and in the girls' cell phones. We will then figure out where they are heading and make plans based on that information. Rose, I need you to you to get two vehicles ready that can go off-road, in case the cabin Edward saw is remote. Get them prepared with any emergency equipment we may need. Carlisle, go to the hospital or wherever to get medical equipment in case Bella is hurt when we find her. Esme, please pack clothes and food for Bella; make sure there is plenty to drink, they may not be giving her any sustenance."

I was glad to see Jasper thinking through everything and including preparation for Bella, though the idea of her being hurt made me want to scream. I couldn't lose her. She was finally healing and somehow was healing parts of me I didn't even know were broken. I didn't think I would be able to survive if she didn't.

I started hyperventilating, which was quite a feat for a vampire that doesn't need to breathe. I had willingly let my mate go with psychotic vampire bent on killing her and me. The monster inside of me was screaming to get out.

Carlisle grabbed my shoulder. "We'll get them both back."

When we got home, I followed my brothers to our computers and pulled up the GPS in Bella's cell phone. Years ago, Jasper insisted that everyone have GPS monitoring chips placed in our cell phones, cars, and other various items in case of an emergency. At the time I thought he was being paranoid because of his past, now I could kiss him for his foresight. Now he made it easier to track Bella to bring her home safely.

All three tracking devises showed the girls heading east on Highway 90. I was monitoring Jasper's thoughts and was amazed at how well he was reigning his demon in. His focus was completely on the mission at hand and he had put his thoughts of Alice to the back of his mind.

Within the hour, everyone had gathered everything that was needed. We packed up the computers and left. The tension in each car was incredibly high and no one was speaking. Everyone's thoughts were focused on getting the girls back and hoping that Bella was unharmed.

We had been on the road for a little over two hours when the GPS showed that the girls were now stopped outside of Sandpoint, Montana. We were still three hours away at the speed we were driving. Jasper pulled up a topical map of the area and was planning reconnaissance and rescue missions based on what he was seeing.

When we were ten miles from where the girls had stopped, we pulled over. The jeeps were hidden and Jasper quickly broke us into teams.

"Edward, I want you with me. The wind is blowing out of the northwest, so we will go in from the southeast and get as close as we can. Hopefully we can get close enough that you can read the thoughts of everyone there so we can make a plans without them knowing we're in the area. How close do you need to be?" he asked.

"I should be able to pick up Alice about five miles out, the others maybe three miles."

Jasper nodded. That would be far enough away that they shouldn't be able to tell we were there. "Everyone else, stay here for now. Don't call us or make any noise. We will be back soon."

We ran south before turning east being careful not to be noticed. Soon I could hear Alice's thoughts and gave Jasper a nod letting him know.

_Edward, they don't know you're here. Bella and I are safe and I'm keeping them distracted. _I then saw a mental image of where they were and the layout of the abandoned cabin they were in. _James is on guard and ready for anything. He knows you will be coming eventually, but has no idea it will be so soon or with a coven. Victoria is unhappy that I'm here and has taken to taunting Bella because of it. She's holding up, but don't delay for too long. Laurent is trying to ignore everything that is going on and isn't interested at all. Tell Jasper I love him._

I relayed everything Alice had told me and what I had seen. We headed back to the family to plan.

Soon, we were ready. I went to the south with Emmett. Jasper and Carlisle went east, as Rose and Esme approached from the north as back up. We had our phones in our pockets so we could keep in communication and silently made our way to our positions.

Alice's thoughts filtered into my mind as I came within range. _I've been watching your plan and it should work. I can't say with one-hundred percent certainty because there will be so many last minute decisions in a fight, but I think everything will be okay._

As silently as I could I told Jasper what Alice said. He told us to continue as planned, hoping to get as close as possible before we were discovered.

We were a mile and a half out when James' thoughts let me know he knew something was going on. I alerted my family and we no longer moved with stealth, but speed. Within eleven seconds, we were at the cabin. James met us with hand around Bella's neck.

His thoughts were running through ways to make it out in one piece, completely in shock that I had found him so quickly, and that I had arrived with a full coven and not alone. "So, Edward, I see you picked up some friends. All this for a little human, is she really worth it?"

I decided to up his fear. "Yes, Bella's worth it and you have Alice. She's mated to Jasper here." I pointed him out and waited for James' reaction. When he took in Jasper's scars, his thoughts were awash in fear. Jasper was obviously a battle hardened vampire and not a lightweight like James thought I was.

Laurent realized quickly that this was a no win situation and tried to sneak out the other side of the house. He didn't get far before Rose and Esme found him. Rose ripped him apart. The screech of tearing limbs echoed through the silent standoff going on. "Well I guess Laurent won't be joining us." I said.

James started to panic as Emmett and Carlisle came into view. With four of us in front of him, he wondered how many more of our coven was behind the cabin that he couldn't see.

Before anyone could react James leaned down towards Bella's neck, keeping his eyes on me the entire time, and bit down. As soon as his teeth touched her I was in motion, all thought bent on getting to Bella who was now crying out. Jasper sent a large wave of calm and tiredness toward James. James pulled back, slightly confused at what was going on.

In that momentary pause, I was on him, my teeth bared in preparation of tearing at his neck, intent on decapitating him. As soon as my teeth began ripping away at his neck, James threw Bella across the room.

Alice screamed as we heard Bella's bones breaking.

In a final push of rage, I savagely tore James' head from his body and rushed to Bella's side.

I rushed to her broken body as Bella screamed. The venom from James' bite was starting to change her. I didn't want that. I thought of the problems Rose had from being changed through violent circumstances, and I knew that if Bella changed now, it would mean an eternity of emotional and mental tribulations.

Carlisle was at my side as I looked at him helplessly. "Help her! She can't be changed! I don't want her to be a vampire like this."

He put his hand on my shoulder. "I don't know what to do, son. The change has already started." His thoughts raced with ideas on what to do to stop the process. The idea of sucking the venom out, like a snakebite, came to the forefront of his mind.

"Do you think that's possible? Could the venom be sucked out?" I asked.

Carlisle nodded. "I think it might be possible, but you have to do it immediately so she doesn't lose more blood than necessary."

I didn't know if I could stop once I started. Her blood called to me, to my monster; my monster that was already primed and ready from everything that had happened. I knew I had to try, no matter what. Her very sanity depended on it.

Bella was whimpering and I gently kissed her lips. "I promise, I'll make it okay, my love."

I moved my lips to her neck and slowly started sucking the most precious nectar that ever existed. It was tainted with James' venom, which allowed me to keep the smallest shred of control. I wanted him out of my mate. It was bad enough he hurt her, but to put his venom in her was even worse. She was mine.

I was completely absorbed in Bella's blood to the exclusion of all else. I had no clue what was happening around me, if my family had disposed of James' body, or if they had gotten Victoria. All that existed was the most perfect blood gliding across my tongue.

In the back of my mind, I finally heard a noise. "Edward."

I knew I needed to focus on that and tried as hard as I could to give the voice the attention it required. It took all the strength I had to open my eyes. I saw an angel looking at me. "Edward."

My body reacted as I threw myself across the room. I had tried to drain my mate, my love. I truly was a monster, and I hated myself for drinking from her, but mostly I hated that I wanted to drink more.

I slowly came out of my head and the downward thoughts there to see what was going on. All three of the nomads were dead and burned to ash. Carlilse had gotten Bella as stabilized as he could and wanted to get her to a hospital. She needed medical attention for her injuries, but she would live.

I took a deep breath, knowing I would hate myself forever for almost killing her, but paradoxically happy that my drinking allowed her to live, so she could continue to heal.

* * *

Yes, I know it's shocking but here is a chapter pretty darn quickly!

Now, I just want to take a quick moment to say that this chapter may seem like it is gratuitous violence for the sake of me wanting to torture Bella. Well ok, I do like torturing her, but that isn't the point of this chapter. I think that in _Twilight_ when the nomads kidnapped Bella it made Edward think about her and what her place was as a human in a coven of vampires. I think he had decided to leave at that point and Bella talked him out of it and THAT is why is why he took off after the incident at Bella's birthday party. I think in many ways he was gone before that and looking for a reason, any reason, to leave and let her be safe. This encounter is also going to give my Edward pause, to think about her place in his life and what being human means. I'm not saying he'll draw the same conclusions, he is different and has had different experiences with Bella to draw on so don't panic. Just know that I am not harming Bella just for the sake of harming Bella. Next chapter will show that her experience was eye opening to Eddie in many ways.

Thank you Nissa for pre-reading and giving me thoughts on flushing things out. Miranda, thank you for Beat'ing, if you haven't read any of burtncore's work you're missing out. Her WIP _Break from the Ordinary_ is awesome. RobotMoose, thank you for the Yukon reference.

To all of you that follow me on twitter, thanks for keeping me sane! I have been over there joking about killing off Bella and have had a lot of fun with my readers joking about it all. Come join us if you want CatMasterChelle.

Please review, I love hearing your thoughts and Hello to all my new readers!


	47. Thoughts on the Aftermath

Chapter 47 – Thoughts on the Aftermath

"Only family is allowed to see her. If you could just wait here I will have someone let you know what is happening," the doctor said. Jasper grabbed my shoulder and tried to send as much calm at me as he could before I acted violently towards the doctor with the death-wish. I tried to fight it off. I needed to be with my mate and not sitting in a waiting room.

I felt like an idiot when I made the comment that we weren't family earlier when Bella was admitted. If I had been thinking, I would have claimed to be her fiancé, her husband, her brother, anything to be allowed back with her.

"Calm down, Edward," Jasper whispered. "You can see her soon. We need to keep up pretenses. If nothing else you can sneak in her room once things calm down."

I slowly nodded and let him lead me to a chair so I could wait. Wait. What a horrible word. The only thing that kept me sane was that they had allowed Carlisle to go back with Bella. It was quick thinking and fast talking that got him past the front desk. As he didn't have residency here he normally would have been treated the same as the rest of us were, but since he was her regular physician and under his care for other treatment they allowed him back for observation. I owed him more than I could say for being with Bella when I couldn't. His observations and clinical diagnoses were calming me as I was immersed in his thoughts. Through his mind, I could see my broken mate hooked up to IV's and being wheeled to radiology with Carlisle following closely behind.

It took three hours for her to be moved to a regular room. I was relieved that her injuries weren't as bad they could have been, yet still hated that there was even a single mark on her. Other than three broken ribs, none of her injuries were bad enough to require surgery. She had also received blood transfusions to replenish what I had drunk from her. I took a deep breath trying to get calm, but knowing it was useless until I could physically see Bella myself.

While I waited I spoke softly so I kept my family posted on what was happening with her. If any of them approached my physically, I growled at them. I didn't want to be comforted. I didn't deserve it. I had allowed my mate to be harmed, my mate that had already been broken and was finally healing.

Jasper threw caution to the wind and sat down next to me. I growled and hissed in warning as I turned to face him.

"Stop, Edward," he said quietly. "Bella needs you to be there for her. You can't be there if you're focused on self-hatred. You did what you could to keep her alive. Instead of focusing on what you could have done differently, focus on what you did to prevent her from dying. She was in a cabin with three sadistic vampires and made it out with only three broken ribs. I'd say it could have been a lot worse."

I heard him, but I couldn't focus on anything positive. If I hadn't let her go, maybe I could have found a way to keep her safe. My thoughts continued on a downward spiral until a nurse came to the waiting room saying that we could finally see Bella. Carlisle was still with her, and she would be kept overnight for observation and to receive more blood.

I walked to her room and took a deep breath before opening her door. She was awake, her eyes immediately finding mine and as tears tracked down her face. These were the first tears she had shed. I was instantly at her side, taking her hand, and touching her hair and face.

"I am so sorry, my love," I kept repeating.

I let her cry, wanting to grab her and pull her to me but didn't, knowing it would only hurt her ribs. When she finally stopped crying, she looked at me and asked, "What happened to them?" These were the first words she had spoken other than to give clinical answers to the doctor's questions and I knew it was because she needed me and no one else at this point. Even if she hated me and what I had done, our bond made her seek answers and assurance from me and not others.

I wasn't surprised the first thing she asked me was what had happened. "They're gone, Bella. They are all dead and will never harm you again," I whispered.

She slowly nodded. "I was so scared."

"I know, love, I know. It killed me to let you get in that car without me. Please believe me that I didn't want to," I pleaded.

"Why? Why did you leave me?"

"I had to. Alice spent the entire time searching out futures. She made decisions and saw what the outcomes were. When we first picked up that they had smelled us, Alice saw us all dying. Once the leader, James, saw her, he recognized her and things shifted. There was a way out, but only if you left with Alice.

"James was a sadistic vampire that liked to play games. He wanted you so he could play with me. If I didn't let you to go, he would have killed us both. If we had fought him we would have exposed ourselves to the humans around us, which is strictly forbidden. The Volturi who keep the laws of vampires, act swiftly when the law is violated. They would have swooped down from Italy and killed our entire family. Please know I didn't want you to go with them, but it was the only way to keep you safe." I kept a hand constantly caressing her face as I spoke.

"Please don't leave me again," she pleaded.

"Never," was all I could say. I wouldn't leave her again, no matter what.

Up to this point, we had both ignored everyone else in the room. We needed to connect to each other and neither of us cared about anyone else. We sat staring at each other, touching as much as we could, our entire focus was on each other.

Jasper came up finally and pulled us out of our reverie. "Bella, can I talk to you for a few moments?" She whimpered and Jasper quickly finished what he was going to say. "Edward can stay right where he is. I promise he doesn't need to leave right now."

Bella nodded without taking her eyes from me.

"Can you tell me what happened?" he asked.

Bella squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and then opened them, searching mine for something.

"Tell him what happened. I'll be right here, and I promise they are gone and can't hurt you," I assured her.

Her voice was so quiet when she started, but it gained volume as she spoke. "I was so scared when I got in the car. I didn't want to leave you. I didn't understand what was going on, but you told me everything would be okay and that I needed to listen to you. Alice kept her arm around my shoulder and I tried to let it be enough, but it wasn't.

"I don't even know what happened at first. I know they were all talking around me and when I started paying attention, I was confused. Alice was acting really weird. I mean, normally she's happy and chipper but, seriously, she was acting like she had been drinking triple shot espressos and downing pixie sticks or something. I swore at one point she was going to put a hole in the roof of the car from her bouncing around."

I smiled at the image of Alice acting in such a manor. I was incredibly proud of her for being able to say everything that she was. Jasper was relieved that she was talking so much and not keeping it all bottled in.

"I don't know why she was acting like that and it seemed to be making the others mad. I wanted to tell her to stop, I didn't want them mad. Right when I was going to say something she looked at me and winked. I knew then that she was playing them somehow. So, I went along with it."

Alice had let me know that she had been playing with the vampires annoying them as much as she could so none of them would want her to stay and fight for her if it came to that in the end.

Bella's eyes never left mine as she spoke. Jasper may have asked what had happened, but she wasn't ready to deal with anyone but me and I was more than alright with that.

"I have no clue how long we were in the car. I remember seeing a sign that said 'Welcome to Idaho', but otherwise I was completely unaware of where we were heading. We finally got to the cabin you found us at. I don't think it was theirs, but I have no clue how they found it or why they chose it."

I kept the grimace from my face knowing we were getting to the end. So far nothing Bella had spoken of was as bad as when James grabbed her as a shield against me. That vision would haunt me for eternity and I didn't know if I could listen to the fear she felt when it happened. I needed to though, she need me to.

"We got inside and I crouched down in a corner and didn't really move. Alice kept acting hyper, and the girl was getting madder at her. The guy, James, I think his name was, seemed to be getting upset as well. He kept asking her if she could see the future and she kept saying she couldn't and then would make weird predictions like 'France was going to start speaking Hebrew for a national language, too try something new'."

Emmett laughed and wished he had been there to see Alice acting crazier then she normally did. I was so focused on Bella that few of my family's thoughts were loud enough for me to even pay attention to, but Emmett always was louder than the rest of my family in his spoken word, his actions, and even his thoughts.

"After a while the girl came over by me and tried getting me to talk to her. I just ignored her and she got upset. James wouldn't let her touch me, but she kept going on about how good I'd taste.

"The other guy there, I don't know his name, didn't say much. He was easy to ignore." I fleetingly wondered more about this vampire and if he had deserved to die along with James and Victoria. His thoughts had shown me from the beginning that he didn't like the sadistic games they played and he didn't like the idea of separating mates, even if one was human. I didn't dwell on it. He chose to go along with them instead of standing up for and leaving them.

"Then you guys came and you know the rest." Her eyes pleaded with me to not make her talk any more. The most selfish part of me was happy to not have to listen to the last minutes in the cabin from her perspective, but if Jasper thought she needed to get it out, I would listen. I glanced at him, and his thoughts told me he was happy with what she said. He wanted to get her talking as quickly as he could so she didn't shut everything inside and try repressing all of it. Since she seemed willing to talk at this point, he wasn't going to push further.

It was getting late and I knew visiting hours were coming to a close. There was no way I was leaving Bella, but the rest of my family was going to have to leave. "Listen love, visiting hours are almost over." She started whimpering and I brushed her cheek. "No, I'm not going anywhere. The rest of the family will need to leave, but I'm staying right here. If a nurse comes in I will quickly hide in the bathroom and be back the second the door closes."

I held her hand tightly as my family came over and told her how they were glad she was doing all right, and that they would see her in the morning. I ducked into the bathroom when the nurse to tell them they all needed to leave. As soon as she was done taking Bella's vitals, I was by her side.

Bella gave me a small smile. "Can you cuddle with me?" she asked.

I frowned. "I don't think I can when we're here. The bed is too small and with your ribs I would end up hurting you." I held her hand and laid my head next to hers on the bed. She leaned over and gave me a small kiss. I smiled. "Tomorrow you should be released and I promise to hold you all night long."

It wasn't long before she drifted off to sleep. I didn't move, wanting to be as close to her as she wanted to be to me. I was shocked how well she seemed to be doing. It didn't seem natural or right. My family was in the waiting room, not intention of leaving. I called out for Jasper, as quietly as I could so humans wouldn't hear me, but he would hear and make his way to me as quickly as he could while being unobserved.

He entered her room. "What's up, Edward?"

"How are Bella's emotions doing? I mean she seems to be taking this a lot better than I expected. She's already been through so much, she didn't need this."

He nodded. "No, she didn't, but she's alive. Remember that, Edward; if not for you and Alice she'd be dead. Her emotions are pretty buried which is a lot like how she used to be. I expected that, and know it will be a trek to get her back to where she was, but we will get her there."

Jasper's calm voice and manor was incredibly soothing to my agitated state. "She is pretty fragile emotionally right now. With her needing time to physically recover, I'm going to see if she will withdraw from her classes this semester. She doesn't need the added pressure of keeping up with school right now, especially since she's already missed almost two weeks of classes and will miss a few more days with her ribs. I'm not saying she can't finish school, but she needs to take a break."

I nodded, it made sense, I just wondered how likely it would be that she would take the rest she needed. When she was able to just focus on her recovery before the semester started, she seemed to be doing a bit better. With the time she was taking for classes and studying, I could see it added a strain. I would help Jasper convince her to take the time off. She could spend the days with Esme if she wished, and there would be plenty of time for her to work with Jasper and for us to be together. It was a solid plan.

He left quietly and I considered everything that had happened. Jasper was right. I needed to focus on her being alive and stop beating myself up for what happened, but it was so difficult. Part of me was struggling being in her hospital room and smelling her blood. It didn't smell quite as beautiful as normal due to the transfusions she was receiving, but it still had her essence in it. Now that I had tasted her, I knew it would be a greater struggle to resist her blood in the future.

I hated what I was in the moment more than I ever had before. I was a monster that craved the blood of my mate, the only person I had ever loved so deeply. It wasn't right, but I knew if I hadn't sucked out the venom, things would be worse. I had to focus on the fact that stopped the venom and that I hadn't killed her. I had to believe my love for her would prevent me from ever killing her out right.

This was a direct result of a human being around vampires. We weren't meant to coexist so closely. The way our coven operated already pushed the boundaries. What I was doing with Bella was so much more.

First there was Vladimir, who only approached me because of Bella. Then there was James and his sick coven. I'm sure they still would have approached Alice and me, but our chances would have been better to talk our way out of it if Bella hadn't been there.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave her. That wasn't an option. I considered bringing her back to our house and never letting her leave, but I knew I could do that either. She needed to be free to be who she was meant to be. She would start to wither and die if I didn't let her out. Could I turn her? I had come far in my journey and was almost convinced it was possible for a vampire to have a soul. If a girl as wonderful as Bella was out there for me, I couldn't believe that she would be with a soulless monster.

I continued thinking through everything. I couldn't come up with any solid answers. I knew I'd done the right thing by not letting James turn Belle earlier in the day. The trauma of the act itself, on top of the emotional healing she still needed to do, would have caused her to be unbalanced as a vampire. Once a human is changed, the emotional and mental state they were in at the time of the change is compounded as a vampire. Vampire's mental and emotions states change slowly, if at all, unless a vampire becomes newly mated. It would have taken years, if not decades, for her to get it all straightened out and that is being optimistic that she would have been able to change. She may have stayed like that forever. I shuddered at the thought.

The question, then, became what to do once she was no longer traumatized by her past and Jasper had her on a healthy path. I didn't have an answer. Bella and I needed to talk. It wasn't something I could decide on my own, but at this point I couldn't see another way to protect her from what I was than to change her.

As I sat thinking through the idea of changing Bella, Rosalie walked into the room. I glanced up surprised to see her there, I had been so deep in thought I hadn't paid attention to her approach. She nodded in greeting and sat down in the chair next to mine.

_I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come out and say it. You need to change Bella,_ Rose thought.

My jaw dropped. Rose hated what she was and I expected her to be firmly on the side of Bella staying human. In fact, I assumed she would try to rip my man parts off if I ever tried to change Bella. To have her sit here telling me to change her was as far outside what I considered reality as I could have imagined. "I can't say I expected to hear you ever express that thought."

She smirked. _Yeah, I know. You know I hate what I am, and the idea of Bella becoming like us is difficult to think about, but it's best for her and you. I know it sounds awful, but she doesn't have anyone but you and our family. It isn't like you would be taking her from a family that loves her and will miss her. Her family is already gone. She was dead already until you brought her back to life. _

I listened to Rose still surprised to hear her making the argument for changing Bella. I appreciated that she was speaking her thoughts in her mind so our whole family didn't have to hear. I didn't want all of them to bombard me with all of their thoughts on if she should be changed and why.

_I know I can be stubborn, but I couldn't have survived without Emmett. He gets me through it. You are already that for Bella. She needs you, and as much as I hate to say it, you need her. In the past few months I think you've laughed more than you have in the last five years combined. You may have been living, but she is the one that brought you to life. Don't try to be all heroic and think you can make it without her. I don't think you can, Edward, and I don't want you to die because you learned too late you can't live without her._

"I already know I can't," I said. It was true; if she died I would find a way to follow. I refused to live in a world where she didn't exist.

_Then you'd better come to grips with her being changed. I know you're hung up on the whole soul issue. Can I ask, if she entered into immortality, do you really think she would become a soulless monster? Do you think she would stay the same?_

I considered her question. Could I ever consider Bella a monster? I didn't think so; at her heart was kindness and love. I needed to only look at Carlisle and Esme to see that those qualities transcended death even as vampires. "She'll always be in pain from thirst." It was the only counter argument I could make.

_Or she'll always be in pain because she will be slowly dying and you will be watching. How long do you think she will be able deal with that? Bella isn't one to allow others to be in pain, if she can prevent it. She'll know her aging is bringing her closer to death and that will kill you. _

"You're right," was all I could say. Watching Bella age would be painful knowing each day brought her closer to dying.

Rose patted my leg before she stood up to leave. _Just think about it. I'm not saying you should have allowed the change to happen when James bit her. You were right to have prevented it, but in the near future you need to talk to her and really consider what the best option is._

I nodded as she left. I was still shocked that Rose of all people was trying to talk me into changing Bella. Every point she made was accurate. I couldn't let her die. I'd already seen that my mere presence was a detriment to her in her human state. Soon, I needed to talk to her about joining me in immortality.

I laughed to myself, as I had forgotten an important step. I also needed to ask marry her. There was no way I was going to be kept away from her again because only family was allowed to be at her side. Yes, we had much to talk about, but I would give her a chance to start recovering again before I brought it all up.

Now that I felt more secure with a plan in place, I breathed in her scent. I allowed myself the peace of knowing she would be alright, and that we would make it through.

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Yey! another chapter! Are you excited? And look no cliffie, it ended all sunshiny and roses. Well, I mean pretty much. I hope that is good because I do not know when I will be able to get another chapter out. As soon as this is done I will be going out of town to tend to my mother who was in the hospital for a week and now is home with daily nursing visits and has a long road of recovery, assuming she doesn't relapse, which unfortunately is likely. Next week I will be at a science camp with my kids every day, please send alcohol for me at night, I'll need it. The week after I am open Mon-Thur but assume I will be back with my mother for part of that and will need to get everything done before my kids go back to school including getting uniforms and everything else. Then I start work! Yickes! So that whole long sob story is to tell you that I am thinking about the story and it has 3 chapters left, I just don't know when I am going to get them out. I promise I will try to make it as fast as I can, but at least I didn't leave you hanging with a cliffie. Do I get some credit? LOL

Ok enough whining from me. So there is the aftermath. Seriously wasn't even what I expected. I had it all planned out, Bella got like 2 lines and it was all Eddie's thoughts and I expected more struggle from him. Yeah that worked, NOT. Bella had a lot to say and I figured after all I had done to her I should let her talk. So basically this chapter look a life of its own and I went with it. Don't be fooled that just because Bella was talking that she is "okay" she was affected by what happened. The next chapter will be a 2-3 month jump in time. We will not being seeing any more of Bella's recover, yeah that's been done to death already, next stop is pretty much healed Bella and what that will look like for our couple.

Big thanks to Nissa for sticking with me. I have no clue how she manages but she does. Thank you! Also to burtncore for giving my chapter a once over and tweaking it so that it flowed better. She has a crazy understanding for what's in my head, I feel kinda sorry for her for that! Also thank you to both of them, I have an itch for a new story right now, that I am not post so do NOT ask, and they have been talking to me about it and looking over small bits and pieces I wrote just because I needed to get it out before I exploded. I will let you all know more about it once this story is wrapped up as I will not be posting anything until that's done.

I know I don't say it enough, but you all do know that I am not Stephanie Meyers and that I don't own Twilight, right? I mean that is understood at this point I hope. I am not her.

Thanks to all that have read and reviewed. I appreciate every single review I get!


	48. The Perfect Proposal

_**Quick Recap:** In February, Bella went with Edward to New York and they got a little friskier than planned after they ran into Vladimir, the freak of a vampire. When they got back, it was Paul's final trail she was testifying in. Before meeting the Cullens, she had planned on killing herself right after but now she doesn't want to do that. Two weeks later after shopping with Alice and Edward, they ran into James and his coven. Alice and Bella left with them as it was the only way that Alice saw that they could all live. Edward followed them and rescued Bella and Alice. Bella had some broken ribs and James had bitten her, so Edward had to suck the venom out. While Bella was in the hospital recovering, Edward finally came to the conclusion, with Rose's help, that Bella would not be a monster if she was turned._

_We are now in early May. I am not going to write through all of the therapy that Bella went through because we have been there and done that. Here is the chapter._

Chapter 48 – The Perfect Proposal

I paced across the living room floor again, unable to sit still for any period of time. Normally vampires needed to remind themselves to move and it is unheard of for them to move with nervous energy. Tonight, though, I was pacing and couldn't help it.

I rolled my eyes as my brothers started laughing at me, again. I turned and threw myself into the closest chair and vowed, for the third time, I wouldn't get up and pace again.

"Calm down, Edward. Bella's come a long way and she's ready for this," said Jasper.

I nodded as I thought back to how far Bella had come. The day after Bella left the hospital, Carlisle and I talked to her about taking the semester off school and expending all of her energy into healing both physically and emotionally. I was surprised when she gave little resistance to the idea. I had expected her to be upset. It didn't take long to understand that she was falling back into a deep depression. Within a week, Jasper decided to take the semester off as well. He wanted to give Bella extra attention and I was glad Bella was home with someone more than Esme. I wanted to leave school as well but Jasper was adamant that Bella needed to heal without me being around as a crutch.

Those were hard weeks as I watched my love regress into the shell she had been when I first met her so many months ago. She didn't want to talk or do much of anything. The only way I kept my sanity was her clinging to me when I was near her. Her little hand would sneak under my shirt and she sometimes let out a little whimper at the contact. I thanked God every time she did this, knowing she was finding strength and allowing me to help her the only way I really could, just by being there for her. I wanted to do so much more for her, but knew this was a battle she needed to fight on her own, I couldn't wave a magic wand and fix it.

During this time guilt was eating me up. I felt responsible since James would never have targeted her if she hadn't been with me. Jasper started taking time to talk with me as well and helped me release some of the guilt I carried. It was the first time I had ever talked to anyone about my emotions, and if it hadn't been for Bella I never would have. I wanted to be whole for her and knew I needed to get past all of my guilt before I could become the man she deserved.

I was also fighting my thirst. After tasting the incredible blood of my love, my desire to drink more of it was constantly on my mind. The call of her blood, which I had spent months coming to grips with, was now calling to my monster stronger than even before. Instead of locking him up and having him fighting to get out, now he called to me in dulcet tones reminding me of how sweet her blood was and that another drink wouldn't be a bad thing. It was weeks before I felt comfortable being in Bella's presence without a family member close by incase I did the unthinkable.

Slowly, Bella came out of her depression and started to react to life again. She smiled, her eyes glimmered, and one day she laughed. The sound caused my dead heart to stutter, it was so beautiful and I missed it so much.

Through it all, I tried to make sure that we kept as normal a life as we could. We continued going to our bible study and seeing our friends there. I was amazed at how much I had come to like the people there. I even broke out in a genuine smile when Jacob showed up with a new girl. It was easy to see how much they were interested in each other. Pastor Weber noticed how Bella had drawn back, but assumed it was because of Paul's trial and he didn't ask many questions.

The one surprising thing was that Bella was talking less and less to her friends back home. I didn't notice any anger or animosity towards them, but Bella was definitely pulling back. When I would ask why, she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. It continued even when she was doing better and I hoped to eventually understand why.

As she started coming out of her shell and reacting to the world again, my thoughts turned to everything I had concluded in the hospital after James' attack. Twice, I had broached the subject of turning Bella, only to be shut down immediately. I thought back to the last time I'd tried, a week ago.

_Bella and I were in our room. She was reading on the couch and I was on the floor next to her writing a paper on the coffee table. I glanced up at her and was taken in by her simple beauty. I couldn't look away. She must have sensed me looking at her and looked up giving me a smile._

_"What?" she asked._

_"You are beautiful," I simply replied._

_Of course, my angel blushed. "To you, maybe."_

_"And you will only get more beautiful as the years go on," I said thinking how my love for her would never stop growing and with that how beautiful she was to me would grow._

_Her eyes turned darker and she looked down. "I doubt I will continue to look beautiful forever," she whispered, sounding choked up._

_I turned around to face her. "Hey, what's going on in the head of yours?"_

_She looked at me and I was thrown by the anguish in her eyes. "It's nothing."_

_I shook my head. "Oh, no, it's something." I thought through what we had said in the minute we were talking and how that could have upset her. She got upset when I talked about time moving on and her getting more beautiful. I wondered if she thought I meant she would age and if that was her concern. I tried to not get excited that she might be thinking about being with me for eternity in immortality. "Bella, we've never really talked about your future or being a vampire," I said very cautiously not wanting to let me excitement come out to strongly._

_I sat for thirteen seconds not breathing waiting for her reply. She finally turned to me and set her book down. "Why would I want to be a vampire?" she asked with a shaky voice as she got off the couch and walked out the door._

_I sat back completely floored. I couldn't imagine facing my life with Bella not in it. I refused to consider it. I couldn't exist without her and refuse to even contemplate it._

_I heard her downstairs asking Emmett if he wanted to play Wii. The thoughts of my family were flooding me as they tried to get a grasp on how Bella had reacted._

_Jasper came in the room. "I have no clue what that was about, but there is something going on. I will talk to her and see if I can figure out what she's thinking. Her emotions were very churned up and bitter which is not a normal emotion for her._

_I simply nodded, to numb to even talk._

I rose and started pacing again. Jasper tried to send out calming waves to me, but I was too agitated for them to do much.

"Edward, you need to calm down," Jasper said in exasperation.

"I can't! I can't calm down. She won't even talk to me about immortality. She won't talk to you about it. She won't talk to anyone. I can't live without her and I don't know how to get her to understand that. I need her and since she won't even discuss immortality with anyone this is all I have left to try and tie her to me, but it's only for a lifetime. I want more. If she denies me this, I'll be left with nothing."

Jasper got up and laid a hand on my shoulder. "It'll work out, Edward. I don't know why she won't talk about becoming a vampire. I know it isn't because she doesn't want to since there is a longing from her when I bring it up, but also anger and fear. Give it a little time, she'll talk. Alice still sees her as a vampire eventually, so calm down."

I nodded. He was right; Alice still had a vision of a red-eyed newborn Bella. She just didn't know specifics on how it was going to come to be.

Jasper had tried to talk to Bella a few times over the past week about her becoming a vampire and he was shut down immediately each time. He kept telling me he wasn't concerned. Bella had been through so much and only a few months ago couldn't contemplate life past this year, much less eternity. It was impossible for me to calm down though.

I continued pacing, waiting for Bella. I replayed the night I had planned in my head. I needed this to work out. I hadn't planned on proposing to Bella quite this soon, but couldn't wait any longer. I needed something tangible binding me to her.

Fifteen minutes later, the love of my existence walked down the stairs. I stopped completely drinking her in. There would never be anyone or anything as beautiful as she was to me.

I swallowed back the venom that was pooling in my mouth and walked up to her. "You are enchanting. I truly don't deserve to have something as beautiful as you are in my life."

She turned bright red and stuttered, "I think you have that backwards. You are the ethereal beauty and I'm the undeserving one."

I didn't want to start the night arguing. I smiled and kissed the inside of her wrist, loving the sound of her pulse speeding up as I did so. "We will have to agree to disagree then." I bowed and lead her outside to my Vanquish.

She looked at me. "The Vanquish? You only bring this out for special occasions. I thought we were simply going on a date."

I smirked as I closed her door not planning on answering her implied question. I hadn't told her that anything was special tonight, just that I wanted to take her out.

We arrived at Benaroya Hall to see the Seattle Symphony perform. Bella gave me a captivating smile. I sometimes felt bad that we didn't go out more, but Bella was always happy to stay home and do little things. The smiles she gave, though, with grand gestures were always breath taking. I knew a steady diet of extravagance was not something she wanted so I was happy to make sure the few bigger things we did together were planned with an attention to detail.

"Have you ever been to the symphony?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No, I've wanted to go though. I'm not as much a classical music aficionado as you are, but I appreciate it nonetheless."

I smiled and nodded. I expected such an answer. Bella had listened to classical music with me many times and asked insightful questions as I described what she was hearing.

I lead her to the box seats I had reserved many weeks ago. The date had been planned quite a while ago, but I didn't plan on it having the significance that it now had.

The symphony played a collection of Mozart pieces and Bella watched entranced. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her excitement and love of the music being played showed on her face. She let the emotions of the pieces resonate within her and her eyes reflected it all.

At intermission, she couldn't even talk for the first few moments. I quietly lead her to the bar and got her a soda. Finally, she found her voice and started talking non-stop about what she had heard so far. I had never seen her so animated. It was breath-taking and I wished I could bottle up her emotions and happiness to have with me at all times.

The second half of the performance was the same, with me staring at her and her soaking in the music around us.

When the orchestra was finished Bella turned and kissed me. The passion in that kiss made me glad I was already sitting as I believe my knees would have given way if I had been standing.

"That was amazing," she said when she finally pulled away to breath.

I chuckled. "If I had known you would love the symphony this much we would have come here much sooner."

Her cheeks tinged pink. "I did love it, but I love you more."

I smiled. "Not as much as I love you." I leaned in and kissed her again. I reluctantly pulled away. "We have somewhere else to go. Are you ready?" I asked.

She looked on curiously as I led her through the lobby continued through a door to the side. When we got to the Norcliffe Founders Room she stopped and looked around. I had reserved the room for just the two of us. It was gently lit and there was a person playing softly on the piano.

I led her to the small buffet I had set up for us. Once she told me she would feel awkward going on a dinner date with me, but I hoped that this wouldn't be weird as there was no one else paying attention to us. Her reluctance was understandable, since I wasn't able to eat anything. I was relieved when she smiled and took a plate and filled it with assorted finger foods provided.

We walked to a small seating area and before she even got comfortable she started gushing about the performance. I was pulled into her excitement and we talked for quite a while about everything we had seen and heard.

When she was done eating I brought her to a small area set up where we could dance. She was still hesitant to dance with me, but after a few songs of her not stepping on my feet, she relaxed and melted into my arms.

Eventually the pianist started playing the song I had written for Bella a long time ago. As soon as she recognized it, she pulled back and looked at me. I steeled my courage as I took her hand in mine and bent down on one knee. Her eyes widened as I pulled a small black felt box from my pocket. As I opened the box, I looked in her deep chocolate eyes.

"Bella, I love you. I loved you before I even knew who you were. I will love you until the Earth is nothing but dust. You bring out pieces of me I didn't even know existed. I hated what I was and now I know it was what brought you to me. I thought I was a monster that deserved eternal damnation. You gave me so much love and showed me I was a man. I have had the privilege of holding you when you cry and being there when you laugh. Please let me continue to do so.

"Isabella Marie Dwyer, will you do me the honor of marrying me?" I asked.

Bella's breath caught and she looked at me. I was caught up trying to figure out all of the emotions rushing through her eyes, apprehension, excitement, fear, wonder, anger, happiness. I wanted to stop the moment and ask her about each and why they were there.

Before I could ask she dropped to her knees and embraced me. "Yes," she replied.

I kissed her, loving the heat of her body, and knowing soon she would be mine. Hopefully, we could work through whatever was going on in her head and this wouldn't be a marriage of a lifetime but of eternity.

I reluctantly pulled away from her, pulled the ring out of its case, then picked up her hand and slowly slid it on her finger. It fit perfectly and I couldn't keep the smile from my face seeing it on her.

"It's beautiful," she said.

I smiled. "Not nearly as beautiful as you are. It is my mother's wedding ring. One of the few things I have from my mortal life. I didn't know if you wanted something newer. I can get you something else."

Bella stopped my babbling with another heated kiss. When she pulled back she replied. "No, this is the ring I want. I love it."

I was incredibly happy and felt like nothing could pop my bubble. As we drove home, I doubted anything could pull the smile from my face ever again.

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Now it isn't a Halloween prank, I did update. I am sorry it has been so long.

Thank you Nissa for pre-reading and sending me e-mails reminding me that I need to update

Thank you to Burntcore for giving the story a quick beta and writing the entire recap. Isn't she AWESOME for that!

Thanks readers and especially to my reviewer!


	49. Blissful Interlude

**This chapter contains adult content with graphic sexual language. If you are not 18 please do not read.**

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Chapter 49 – Blissful Interlude

I had to admit to myself that most people didn't meet a completely broken girl and marry a mostly healed girl in less than a year. Most people didn't meet and marry someone in a year period. To societies way of thinking it may have seemed rushed or that I was taking advantage of the situation.

However, to a vampire, I seemed negligent and uncaring of my mate for waiting so long to claim her physically. Usually when we found our mates, we consummated the bond within hours not months, like was happening in my case.

At this point, I felt like I was going insane. My thoughts were consumed with my mate and our wedding night. My need to claim her and bond as closely as we could possibly was present in any thought I had.

The last few months had shown a progression in Bella's acceptance of physical intimacy. I never pushed or asked for anything from her, but the desire for more was always there.

I had a new appreciation for the high school boys that I had been around, always thinking about sex, and wanting more than the touches they were allowed. My libido that had been all but dead, was now in over drive. I was convinced I was going to be clogging my shower drain with the amount of masturbatory emissions that went down it daily.

For a while I was worried that I was objectifying my mate and wanting her purely for sexual gratification. As I looked closer, that wasn't the case. When I was with Bella, I was content with whatever we were doing. If it was simply cuddling or holding hands, it made me feel complete. It was when I was away from Bella that the desire for more flooded me. My inner monster would whisper seductively about all the ways that my mate would feel more tied to me once we physically bonded.

I was surprised when Bella and I were exploring each other the monster kept quiet. I was afraid that he would try to overrun the boundaries I had in place of never touching Bella in a way that she hadn't first done with me, but that pushing never happened. The monster remained quietly behind the bars I kept him in and stayed silent.

My wedding night consumed my thoughts as I dressed in a tuxedo amid preparations to marry that June morning. While I was excited for the act itself, I was nervous as well. Bella and I had done nothing passed topless touching. The human part of me was accepting of this as I still had the mindset of being pure for marriage. The vampire side of me didn't recognize such human institutions and saw no need to wait. Above all else was the ever present danger that I could so easily kill her in the act.

I sighed as I ran my hands through my hair. As I straightened my tie, I smiled into the mirror, wondering what it was that Bella saw when she looked at me. She said she couldn't see a monster and thought I was beautiful inside and out. I ruefully shook my head, not understanding how she couldn't see what I really was, but thankful for what she did see.

Carlisle came in, stopping me from more internal debate. "Only you, Edward, would be brooding on your wedding day." He winked.

"I'm not brooding, I'm internally accessing myself," I said with a smirk.

"And how is that different than brooding?"

"Brooding is negative in connotation. Self-reflection can be positive or negative."

He laughed. "I guess that's true. I hope that your reflections are happy on such a day as this."

"They aren't depressing, does that count?"

He grabbed my shoulder and guided me from the room. "For you, that is a huge step."

We walked from the dressing room slowly towards the sanctuary of the church. We were having a very small service, only my family and a handful of friends. Bella hadn't wanted to invite her friends from back home, I wasn't even sure if she had told them about the wedding. She still hadn't explained to me what was going on or why she wasn't talking to them as much as she once had. I didn't sensed anger or depression about it so I didn't push.

When I entered the sanctuary Pastor Weber was standing at the altar completely at peace. I had wondered how open he would have been to Bella and I marrying after what was really only months together, but it wasn't a concern. He saw the changes in Bella and was happy for her.

Carlisle stood next to me as my best man and we looked out at the people in the pews. I couldn't remove the smile from my face. Today Bella would be mine according to God and man and then we would complete our bond in the eyes of vampires. The thoughts of my family were all happy and excited. I couldn't image basking in a more peaceful or welcoming atmosphere for the most joyous occasion of my existence.

While picking up on the happy thoughts of all around me, I was doing all I could to block the specific thoughts of the women in my family. They were helping Bella get ready and Alice threatened to break all of my vinyl records if I peaked at how my mate looked. I wanted to see, but I also wanted to be surprised. Errant images of Bella still had the possibility of coming through since I couldn't block thoughts, but with proper focus, I could limit slips.

Soon Rose started playing Pachelbel's_ Canon in D_ on the piano and everyone turned in anticipation. Esme walked down the aisle wearing a light blue dress, barely containing her joy. Glancing at Jasper and saw he had a smile that resembled a buffoon, all the happy emotions were making him giddy.

I stared towards the back and finally saw Bella, a vision in her vintage wedding dress. She looked like she belonged from the time when I was human, making everything surreal. I wanted to rush forward and grab her. Carlisle must have suspected as much as he put a restraining hand on my arm.

Finally, after what seemed much too long, she was at my side. She placed her diminutive hand in mine and the rush of warmth from her skin grounded me as nothing else could have.

Looking back, I remembered everything with my photographic memory, so I knew I all that happened. On that day, though, everything seemed to fly by without me paying attention. I was focused on Bella and overwhelmed with the ceremony of it all.

All too soon Pastor Weber pronounced us husband and wife.

I turned to Bella, who had a beatific smile on her face, holding her as she melted into me as we kissed for the first time as a married couple. Ignoring the clapping and the cat calls from my brothers, we did not stop until I felt Carlisle nudge me and give a discrete cough.

Bella giggled as I pulled away and escorted her down the aisle. Soon we were surrounded by well wishers and I gave part of my attention to something other than the glorious creature next to me. I didn't want to share her. I wanted to leave immediately and take her away so we could be alone, but I knew that wasn't a real option. Thankfully, we didn't have anything elaborate planned for a reception, so we wouldn't be there much longer.

Bella amazed me with how confident she was. Admittedly, she knew my family and our friends, but not my cousins from. I had once told her that three of them were the original inspiration for all the succubus legends, yet she didn't falter at all.

Everyone left the church to go to the reception we were having at a restaurant called Post. Instead of a large sit down dinner when more than half the guests were vampires, we planned on having small finger foods laid out.

Bella and I rode to the reception alone in a chauffeured limousine. She cuddled up with me and we whispered to each other about the ceremony and everyone there.

Nothing prepared me for our reception. I had seen receptions in the minds of people over the past and hoped to never experience such mind numbing frivolity. Ours was wonderful. It was small with only twenty-five people, allowing everyone to enjoy themselves and surprisingly most of the humans didn't have a difficult time being around so many vampires in an enclosed place.

Three hours into the reception, Alice claimed Bella so she could change out of her wedding dress into something more suitable for our plane trip. I followed suit and took my tuxedo off, trying to not let my nerves start building about what would be happening when we reached our destination.

When Bella appeared, I pulled her to me, excited about where we were heading, knowing it was a surprise for her. Quickly saying our good-byes we left for the air port and boarded our family jet with the same pilots that had taken us to New York five months ago. Five hours into our journey, Bella inquired where we were going that was taking so long. I simply smiled, not giving her a clue.

When it came to the wedding, most of the planning had been done by Alice, Rose, and Esme. It wasn't that they didn't ask or want Bella's or my opinion; it was that we didn't have many to give. The few things that Bella had wanted, Bella got.

The honeymoon, though was all me. The only thing I didn't have complete control over was Bella's wardrobe. I didn't have the first clue about women's fashion so had Alice get outfits together for Bella telling her to remember Bella's demure nature. I knew Alice liked to push her boundaries and I didn't want to have Bella stressed about anything for the coming weeks.

Soon enough, we were landing in a private hanger in Rio de Janeiro. I woke my mate, who had been cuddled up tightly again my side for the last few hours, after falling asleep over Mexico. She blinked rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. I scooped her up and walked off the plane. Her eyes were wide taking in everything around her. Finally, she looked at me curiously. "Soon, I'll tell you where we are soon," I said as I leaned in and kissed her forehead.

I climbed in the limousine waiting to take us to the marina where we would take a boat for the last leg of our journey. When Bella saw the boat she gashed slightly and I'm sure she was worried about the fact that she stumbled on solid ground much less a boat that pitched.

"Don't worry, love. I've got you and won't let you fall."

She laughed. "Seriously, Edward, first we were in a car, then a plane, and now a boat. Is our honeymoon a tour of different types of transportation?"

I pretended to glare at her. "I promise we will do more than travel. We have a quick boat ride and we will be at our destination, after that no more going anywhere, unless you want to."

By this time we were on the boat. I started the engine and quickly hopped out to untie us. Once back on board I sat at the controls and Bella sat on my lap. I had long ago gotten over the embarrassment of Bella coming into contact with my erections when she was sitting in such a way. They were inevitable and actually helped her to see that even though I wanted her physically I wasn't going to push myself on her.

It wasn't long before I could see our destination. I paid close attention to Bella to watch her face as it came into view to her human eyes. I wasn't disappointed a few minutes later when she leaned forward to peer into the distance.

"That is our final destination."

She turned to me with huge eyes. "What is it?"

"Isle Esme," I replied. "Decades ago Carlisle bought it for Esme so she would have a get away from being in a houseful of forever teenagers. She was gracious enough to let us use it for an extended stay."

"Really?" she asked. Her eyes were sparkling, but I could see apprehension in them as well. We had talked about having a true wedding night and she told me she was ready for it. I believed she was, but could understand her fear and started preparing myself for more abstinence if she needed it.

I pulled her tighter into me. "Don't worry. Nothing has to happen. We've talked about it one hundred times. I don't want you pushing yourself to do something you aren't really ready for."

She laid her head on my shoulder. "I'm ready. That doesn't mean I'm not nervous. No matter how long I wait I'll be nervous."

We pulled up to the dock and I quickly tied the boat off and jumped back on for my bride. With my biggest smile I said, "Mrs. Cullen, your honeymoon awaits you." I picked her up again and listened to her laughter.

I entered the small beach house and set my angel down. Her eyes were huge as she looked around. I told her I was going to quickly grab our bags and that she should look around. When I came back in, she hadn't gone far. I smiled to myself seeing how she appreciated all the little details Esme used in decorating. Walking passed her, I opened the French doors that led out to the beach. She slowly followed behind me and gasped when she walked outside. I couldn't help but chuckle. My mate was not used to being around anything extravagant like an expansive porch that opened on to a beach of white sand and crystal clear water.

It was only late afternoon, as we had traveled through the night, and while I knew Bella was likely tired, I also knew she was probably nervous. "Do you want to go for a swim and get refreshed?" I asked.

She let out a pent up sigh. "That sounds like a good idea."

I led us back into the house looking for a bedroom. Once I found one, I put the suitcases out on a dresser and opened them so Bella could see what was packed for her. She had been hoping to take a peek at what was packed before we left thinking it would give her a clue as to where we were headed. It was my surprise for her, so I made sure she hadn't gotten get a glimpse of anything.

She came over and looked. "What in the world is this?" she asked holding up a scrap of cloth and strings.

I tilted my head. "A bikini top?"

"Seriously, what made you think I would wear that? There's nothing here."

I smiled hoping to appease her. "That might be my fault. I told Alice to buy you some swim wear. I didn't exactly specify what kind of swim wear. She only wears bikinis."

Bella rolled her eyes and mumbled, "Stupid vampires."

I was shocked when she made no further comment. Instead she walked into the bathroom with the small bits of clothing she had been holding. I gulped back venom just thinking of her in so little. A small part of me was happy that she didn't even consider all of her scars that would be showing, scars that I had now seen many times and not reacted to, making her feel less self-conscious.

I pulled out a pair of swim trunks, changed into them quickly, and then started putting everything into a dresser while I waited for Bella.

Sooner than I anticipated, she came out of the bathroom. I drew in a sharp breath as I saw more of her than I had ever before. Her milky white skin formed over a slender body that had curves in all the right places. She started fidgeting and I realized that I was staring at her without saying anything. I shook my head hoping to clear my thoughts, but it didn't really work.

"You are beyond anything I could have ever asked for or imagined."

I was rewarded with a faint blush that went halfway down her chest. "I have some suntan lotion here. Let's make sure you're covered before going out there. The sun is hot and I don't want you to end up burnt," I said with a smile.

She put lotion on her front and I helped with her back. I tried to imagine I was putting lotion on Mike Newton, hoping that would calm me down, but it didn't do much good as it was obvious it wasn't Mike I was touching.

As soon as Bella was covered in lotion, I went to the bathroom, grabbed some towels, and led her outside. Cold showers didn't work on vampires, so I doubted going into the warm ocean was going to do anything to cool my libido but I was willing to try. I needed to gain more control because seeing so much of Bella made me feel like I was going to lose it.

I set our towels down and walked a few feet into the surf. I turned and saw Bella trailing behind until she got to where the surf was just coming up to her toes.

"Are you scared of the ocean?" I asked.

She quickly looked at me smiling. "No, it's just . . . it's so warm I can't even feel a temperature difference."

I loved the excitement I saw in her eyes. "It is pretty warm compared to the ocean water in Washington State."

Soon she joined me and we swam for a while, playing and splashing, then finally just floating and enjoying the quiet. It was amazing that Bella accepted me as I was, a sparkling vampire, and made no comment. The sun was bright and I soon became concerned that Bella would need more sun lotion, plus she might be getting hungry. "Do you want to go in for a bit? We've been out here for a while and I don't want you to get burnt."

She flipped over and smiled. "Yeah, I'm ready to go in for a bit. This place is amazing. Can we check out the jungle?"

I laughed. "I don't know that it is considered a jungle, but yes we can take a walk through eventually. There aren't really any animals that can hurt you and there are some lagoons and nice beaches we can see."

As we walked, we talked about the different things to see and do on the island. I had never been here before, but Esme and Carlisle had given me plenty of ideas.

When we walked into the bedroom, Bella turned to tell me something and stopped. She looked at me and her eyes dilated as they swept over my body. If anyone else looked at me like my mate was looking at me now, I would be disgusted, instead I was instantly aroused.

We stood looking at each other for an eternity when she finally spoke. "Edward, I don't know how to say this. I don't know what to do right now."

I stood staring at her not knowing if she wanted to proceed where it felt like we were going or if she wanted to stop. "Do want to stop and go get something to eat?"

She whimpered and shook her head.

I let out a silent sigh of relief. "Bella, do you want me to touch you?"

Her earlier whimper turned into a moan and I could smell that she was aroused. I momentarily pondered if I should make her vocally articulate an affirmative response, but remembered that she was going to be control of everything so I let her moan be answer enough at this point.

I slowly walked over to her and took her hand. "Whatever you want, whatever you need," I whispered.

Her eyes dropped from mine and stared at my chest where there were still droplets of water. Slowly she raised the hand I wasn't holding up and touched my chest. "You aren't as cold," she said in surprise.

I softly pulled her to me. "The warm water and temperatures here make my body warmer, though I'll never get as warm as you are."

She nodded absently as she continued touching me. She soon let go of my hand so she could touch me with both of hers. I simply held her gently not wanting to do anything that could startle her. I was making sure to monitor her heart rate and noted it was faster than normal but not alarmingly so.

Then for the first time ever she placed her fingers on the waist of my trunks. She glanced up at me and I nodded so she knew it was alright to do whatever she was thinking. I saw her draw a breath and then she slowly tugged them away from my body drawing them down my legs.

Her hands had a slight tremor to them as she reached out and touched my erection. I groaned at the feel of the heat and softness of her light touch.

She looked up at me through her eyelashes. "I don't know what to do."

I pondered how to respond. It felt wrong to ask her to do what I did with myself to masturbate, but she wanted to know what I liked. I took her hand in mine and showed her how to touch me.

In an amazingly short amount of time, I reached down and stopped her ministrations. "If you keep doing that there will be a mess."

She blushed brightly. "Uh, would I get hurt?"

I was confused and removed her hand. My ability to think and form coherent sentences was in danger with her holding my penis.

She must have sense my confusion as she elaborated. "Your venom, would if hurt me if you . . . you know . . . did that on my skin?" At this point her skin was flushed to her stomach. I was amazed that a blush could travel so far.

"No, you wouldn't be harmed by that. I talked to Carlisle and there isn't much venom in that form of excretion." I internally rolled my eyes, "that form of excretion," I was talking like I was addressing a class of medical students and not my mate during an intimate situation. "I didn't ask you to stop for fear of hurting you, but because I want to touch you as well."

"Oh, okay," she replied shyly.

After a few moments of us staring at each other again I spoke. "You know we don't have to. We can do something else." The monster inside of me howled at the thought of being so close to being with my mate and not finishing.

"No!" she practically shouted. "No, I don't want to stop. I just don't know what to do."

I stepped forward and embraced her. "I don't know either. I know the technical, physical way things are suppose to be done, but this is a first for me as well. We'll learn together how to do things and what we like."

She melted into my embrace. "I like the sound of that."

"Now, knowing I'm not an expert, I have heard that things might be more comfortable if we are on a bed. How does that sound?" I hoped to lighten the mood a bit.

I felt her nod against me and I swept her up into my arms, moved to the bed, and laid her down. I rested above her with most of my weight off of her.

I leaned in and brushed my lips across hers. "I want to kiss you now."

Her breath caught. "Please," she breathed out.

"At any point you want to stop, tell me," I said as I leaned in and kissed her with all the love I had in me.

I worked my way down her throat past her collar bone, and started nuzzling at her breasts as I removed her top. It never ceased to amaze me how responsive she was to having them stimulated. I wondered if I could eventually bring her to orgasm just through stimulation of her nipples.

As I licked at her bosom, I let my hand drift toward her barely covered mound. I slowly stroked her above her bikini bottoms, entranced by the sounds my mate was making and the way her hips were bucking into my hand. I stopped sucking her breast and slowly pulled back so I could look my fill at her. She stared at me, lying completely still. I held her gaze as my hand slowly pulled her bikini bottom down. When it was off, I continued to look her in the eye a few moments longer before letting my eyes drift down. She was beautiful and I was in awe that such a creature was mine.

As I looked, I noticed that she was. I slowly circled a finger above her hair should be as I quirked an eyebrow at her. "Do you usually shave?"

I hadn't given any thought to what Bella would do with herself in that respect. I knew from the thoughts of the high school girls I had been around that it was more common in this era, but for some reason hadn't expected Bella to shave herself that way.

She turned red again. "It was Rose and Alice, the sisters from hell."

I stared at her in shock not expecting such a response.

"Remember when they took me for my special spa day full of relaxation last week?"

I nodded remembering how they wanted her to have a special day before the wedding to rest and relax.

"Yeah, well part of their relaxation day was getting waxed. They talked me into it saying they wished they could do the same and that you would probably love it."

"You know I would never want you to do something you don't want to, especially if it causes you pain." I bent down and kissed her where I had been touching her making sure to keep as far as I could from anything too sexual while still being in the area hair would normally be. "Let it grow back out if you want."

She shrugged. "I kind of like it now that it's done."

I nodded, done with conversation. I leaned over her again and started kissing her in earnest. Once she was responding, I slowly slid my hand down her side, paying close attention to her every reaction so I could stop if she showed any fear.

My hand was where it had never been before. I drew in an unneeded breath slowly slid my finger into her outer lips and felt the heat and wetness that covered her. I felt around until her hips bucked and she almost screamed. From her reaction, I assumed I was touching her clitoris, so I kept circling the small nub gently. By this point I had stopped kissing her and was watching all of the emotions my touch brought her cross her face. It was beautiful.

After a few more minutes of touching her like that she screamed out and her hips jerked so violently my hand came off of her.

I let her catch her breath and I moved my hand down slightly until I was circling her opening. I was nervous about hurting her knowing how she had been hurt in the past. When her breathing evened out, I looked into her eyes that were pleading with me as I inserted a finger into her. She shifted her hips and started moving against my finger. I groaned, thinking of how soon I it was going to be something other than my finger.

I wanted to make sure that everything that could be done to prevent her from being hurt was done. So I tentatively added another finger inside of her. I could feel her muscles stretching against me, but she gave no indication she was in pain.

"Are you okay? Does this hurt?" I asked.

"It doesn't hurt," she breathed.

"All right," I whispered.

" Edward?"

"What, my love?"

"I'm ready. I want to."

I stilled and didn't know quite what to do in that exact moment. Bella must have sensed my dilemma and she pushed on my shoulder. I followed her direction and laid back. We had talked a few weeks ago and I had told her that until I knew what to expect I wanted her to be in total control of our joining. She had been very hesitant at the idea, but understood that I was terrified of harming her by slamming myself into her too deeply or hard.

Bella slowly straddled my hips and I helped guide her. "Are you ready?" she asked.

"Completely. Are you?"

She nodded, reached for my erection, and guided it to her entrance. The damp heat I could feel without even being inside of her caused my already tense muscles to seize up tighter. She started lowering herself and I couldn't determine if I was in heaven or hell. Heaven, because the sensation was unbelievably amazing and hell, because it was all I could do to not give into my monster, flip us over and plunge fast and furious into her.

Once I was inside Bella as deeply as I could be, she paused for what felt like an eternity, and I knew if I was human I would have been sweating bullets. Slowly, she started moving her hips. I quickly became overwhelmed with the sensations and moved my hands from her hips looking for something to grasp onto. Within moments, every sensation coalesced within me and I ejaculated while crying out Bella's name.

When I could think coherently again, I was shocked and more than a little embarrassed at how quickly I had come to completion. I glanced at Bella who was staring at me in wonder and amazement as I was still sheathed within her.

"I'm sorry." I wanted to say something insightful or monumental after our first time making love and completing our bond, but I was to upset about my lack of performance.

Bella smiled and leaned over and kissed me. "Don't be," she said when she pulled away. "I thought it was amazing seeing you like that and I love having you inside of me. I feel whole in a way I never have before."

"It's our bond. It is fully formed now. I feel complete too."

She grinned at me sheepishly. "I know I'm not the most experienced person, but aren't you supposed to be softer by now?" She emphasized her question by squeezing me with her internal muscles.

I moaned at the sensation. "If I was human I would be, but vampires have pretty much no recovery time and can go for hours and with multiple ejaculations."

She looked surprised. I guess it made sense that no one would have explained that to her as it was just how things were and I know it never occurred to me to explain it before hand.

"So we could keep going if we wanted to?" she asked.

I gave her the crocked smile I knew she loved. "I'm ready for more if you are."

She tentatively started rocking her hips again and soon she found a rhythm that she liked and a position that made her moan. It was all I could do again to keep my hips stationary and soon my hands, which had been holding something to give me control, were free. I sought out something else to grab and was distracted as the walls inside Bella clenched tightly and she called out as she came. I was blown away by the sight and the sensations and followed soon after her.

When she was done she, fell boneless against my chest. As soon as I felt in control of myself I reached down and held her. Part of me hoped that somehow time would stop and I would never have to let her go. Everything felt right and perfect in that moment.

"I love you," she whispered.

"Not nearly as much as I love you," I replied.

"Thank you, Edward, for giving me the perfect first time."

I was grateful for her considering this her first time since I definitely didn't consider what happened to her to be a real first time. "It was perfect, huh? Would that include my race to the finish in the beginning?" I was hoping Emmett never heard about it or I would never hear the end of the pre-mature ejaculator comments.

Bella scoffed. "I think it was perfect. It was a perfect beginning for two people who don't know what they are doing and learning together. Everything doesn't have to be candle lights and romance, sometimes life is better when it's real."

I kissed the top of her head. "No matter how life is, it's perfect when you're with me."

Bella didn't respond and soon her breathing let me know she had fallen asleep. I considered moving her off of me, but didn't want to move her even one inch so I let her sleep on while I dreamed of how perfect the rest of our honeymoon was going to be.

* * *

So what do you think of that? It wasn't the prefect first time, but I felt it was realistic. I'm sure some are upset, but hey it's how I have seen it from the beginning.

Right now I am planning one more chapter that will wrap all the lose ends up. I know there may seem like a lot of them and yes I know you all want Bella to become a vampire. Chapter 50 should be out soon. I have more than half of it written.

I am sorry I haven't been responding to reviews. I am reading them all, but I have very limited time to write. So it was either take a lunch and respond to reviews, or write and edit. I figured you wanted a chapter.

Huge thanks for Nissa for sticking with me and pre-reading and a HUGE, I mean HUGE thanks to Burtncore for beta'ing for me. This was a pretty long chapter.


	50. How Eternity Came to Be

Chapter 50 – How Eternity Came to Be

As I laid there holding my love, I finally became aware of my surroundings. It was amazing and scary how I had been so consumed in making love that everything else had faded to the back ground. I briefly pondered if that was normal or only because it was our first time. It could become problematic and dangerous if every time we had sex, I shut out the rest of the world.

As I pondered this, I ran my hands through Bella's hair and felt something different. I looked down and there were feathers in her hair and surrounding us. Further observation showed ripped open pillows, providing the cause for feathers.

My jaw dropped as I saw bare wood sticking out from the corner of my eye. As I followed it I discovered the entire headboard was demolished. I racked my brain trying to think of exactly when I had done all of that damage, and couldn't remember doing it. That terrified me. How could I do something like that, while being with Bella, and not know I did it? What if it had been her and not the bed?

_Oh God!_ I thought, horrified.

I turned slowly, hovering over her and looking to see if I had done anything to harm her. Within moments, I saw finger shaped bruises on her hips. I sighed and flopped back down in the bed.

My thoughts raced as guilt flooded through me. I hated for causing her harm again. I wanted to vow to never touch her again, but after having been with her I knew I wouldn't be able to resist being with her. That was all the proof needed to show I was a monster. I hurt an angel and knew I couldn't resist possibly hurting her again.

As I lay there, my phone went off. I contemplated ignoring it, but knew my family would only call if there was an emergency. I quickly retrieved it without waking Bella and saw Jasper's name on the display.

Before I even had the phone to my ear he was talking. "You need to stop wallowing. Alice didn't tell me why you were, only that it was bad and if I you didn't stop things would not be good for either of you."

I rolled my eyes. That was just what I needed, my meddling sister keeping track of my sex life. "I think Alice needs to stop being a voyeur and mind her own business."

Alice replied from the background. "I was not watching you have sex, brother, but your brooding caused a chain of events that took Bella out of all of our lives and you ended up going to the Volturi begging them to kill you."

I was shocked, speechless. I couldn't end up driving Bella from me, could I? I looked over to where she was sleeping peacefully on a destroyed bed and felt completely lost.

Jasper asked, "What happened that set you off like this?"

"Are you alone?" I didn't relish having this conversation with my entire family listening in.

I soon heard wind whipping over the line and knew he was leaving to give us privacy. "Alright I'm far enough from the house that no one can hear. Talk to me."

I explained everything that had happened. When I finally hung up an hour later, I felt much more in control and wasn't panicking. Jasper had helped me understand that I hadn't harmed Bella. While the bed was destroyed, it showed that I was capable of thinking through what was happening enough to look for ways to channel my strength when it got to be too much. He didn't even harass me for my embarrassing lack of staying power when and I had first entered Bella.

Back on the bed, I held my love as when she woke the next morning. I had been listening to her stomach rumble and knew she had to be hungry after not having eaten much the day before. Her eyes were still closed as she stretched her body against mine and I bit back a groan feeling all of her flesh rubbing along my own.

She blinked open her eyes. "Good morning."

"Good morning, love. How do you feel today?" I was still slightly worried that she would be in pain.

She smiled, making me feel relief. "I feel wonderful."

"Good. What do you want to do today, Mrs. Masen?"

She thought for a moment with a goofy grin on her face. I loved how much she enjoyed having my name as her own now. "I don't know. Right now I just want to eat."

I chuckled as her stomach growled punctuating her words. "Yes, I can hear the monster in there begging for food. Why don't you get cleaned up and I will get something started for you to eat."

She smiled and I kissed her before getting off the bed. I felt slightly self conscious being naked and assumed Bella would as well so I made sure to keep my back turned while I heard her shuffle into the bathroom.

She emerged from the shower, dressed for the day and met me in the kitchen she looking sheepish. "Edward?" she asked.

"Yes, my dear."

"What happened to the bed and why did I have feathers in my hair?"

I didn't want to see her face, in case there was any hatred there so I turned, giving a large portion of my attention to the eggs I was making. "That was my fault. Last night things were a bit overwhelming and I did what I could to not hurt you. I know you have some bruises on your hips. I'm sorry for that."

She came up behind me, put her arms around my waist and squeezed me as much as her human arms could. "I love you, Edward, and I thought it was perfect. I hope you aren't upset."

I turned in her embrace so I could hold her as well. "No, I'm not upset." I didn't want to tell her about the despair I had been in. I would tell her eventually, but today was about the joy of being together.

That's how the following days and weeks melted away. It was amazing, being with Bella and not having thoughts from others playing in my head. I'd never experienced such tranquility.

During the day we explored, swam, or relaxed. We also found ourselves making love often and in many varied places. The nights found her curled up around me or waking up to join together again.

As the weeks continued neither of us talked about leaving to go back to civilization. I knew we needed to at some point, but had no desire to leave this halcyon existence.

All of that was shattered with a phone call from Carlisle. It was early in the evening and Bella and I were lounging on the back patio when I heard my phone. I grabbed the it from our bedroom, and went back to the patio bringing Bella onto my lap.

"Edward, the Volturi know," Carlisle said without preamble.

I sat up so quickly, I almost dropped Bella. "What do you mean the Volturi know?"

"Alice had a vision. Vladimir went back to Russia and wanted to have what he thought you had. He has been collecting women for pets and he was making such a mess the Volturi found out. He will be brought before Aro later today and when Aro touches his hand, he and will find out that you were with a human girl. Alice doesn't know what will happen after that, but I can almost guarantee he will be calling you to come before him, and then he will know it all."

I sat back, scared and mad. I knew that at some point the Volturi would find out about Bella. They called various members of our family to them every decade or so. It was an arrangement made long ago to satisfy the brothers that we weren't trying to take over. I purposely put it out of my head knowing I could worry about it later; I never dreamed it would come to a head this soon.

I sighed. "Alright, what do we do?"

"I think the best thing to do is present ourselves as a family. He will likely call for all of us anyway. It's hard to say what will happen. Alice is contacting your pilots right now so they can get ready to fly you to Miami where we will meet you."

"I don't want Bella to go there." I said hoping my saying it would make it happen, though I knew in my heart she needed to come with us."

"I know, son, I know. I don't want to take Bella there any more than you do, but I doubt we will have a choice. I'm hoping that since she's your mate and part of our coven now that there will be some type of grace given."

I nodded even though he couldn't see me. I didn't know what else to say. I wanted it to be true, but I knew the Volturi, and they were not known for showing compassion towards anyone. I had seen them take out whole covens for much less.

Carlisle spoke again. "It'll be okay, Edward. We are a family and we will stand by each other. Bella has never talked to a soul and she never will. Hopefully, Aro will see that when he touches her."

I looked at Bella. Aro had the ability to know every thought a person had ever had just by touching them. "She can block me, what if she blocks him as well?"

"I don't know. Let's see what happens when he calls us. That may give us more insight or hopefully Alice will see something. Go to Miami and we can all talk together."

I hung up with Carlisle and stared at Bella. The thought of her dying in less than twenty-four hours made me want to scream. She sat staring back at me, knowing something was going on, but not asking.

"We need to get packed up to leave. Do you remember Vladimir?" I asked.

She nodded her face showing worry.

"He is being brought before the Volturi later today and they will find out about you. I've mentioned them in passing, if you remember. They are the rulers of our world and enforce the laws of our kind. There is only one main rule: 'never let humans know about vampires'. This law is punishable by instant death for any that violate it. The brothers, the three vampires in charge, are not known for compassion or leniency. There's no running from them, as they have trackers that can follow us anywhere. We will meet up with the family in Miami and travel together to Volterra to see them."

"Are they going to kill us then?" Part of me was glad to note the fear in her voice. She had come so far, from embracing and wanting death just months ago, to now wanting to live.

"I don't know. I hope not. I hope the fact that you're my mate changes things in our favor. Alice is going to be looking to see what she can to give us anything that can help us."

Her eyes were full of fear and acceptance. "I'm sorry."

I held her to me. "No, no, my love, you have nothing to be sorry for. You did nothing wrong. We fell in love and are meant for each other. I couldn't not tell you what I was. I know you would never tell a soul."

"I don't want you to die," she whimpered.

I ran my hand through her hair trying to calm her. "I know. We don't know what will happen. We need to think positively." I didn't know where the words came from to try and keep her calm and thinking encouragingly when I was anything but. I didn't want to tell her that before the sun set tomorrow it wouldn't be just her and I that were killed but the entire family.

I packed quickly while Bella showered and got dressed. The trip to the mainland was made with no words between us. When we finally boarded our plane, I tried to think of something to say, but came up empty. Bella sat on my lap and we gazed at each other the entire trip to Miami.

The plane touched down to get fuel as my family boarded. Carlisle started talking immediately.

"Aro called and has asked for us to meet him. He didn't indicate what we were being called for; although I'm sure he thought it was unneeded with Alice around.

"Alice has seen that he hadn't said anything to anyone except for Marcus. I think that works in our favor, it means he is wondering what was going on. If he was calling us there for the express purpose of killing us he would do so before the entire assemblage. Alice can't see anything else. I'm wondering if he thought Bella being with Edward was a fluke, and that he was trying to save a human in general. I doubt he thinks we will be bringing her with us."

I nodded and considered how it would be to our advantage to have only Aro and Marcus ready to meet us when we got there. I knew it would be easy for him to call in the guard, who have always hated us and were uncomfortable with us because of our diet.

Bella remained in my lap, not saying anything. I wished I knew what was going on inside her head. I wanted to be able to promise her that everything would be okay and that we would all go home living happily ever after. I couldn't make that promise though, and I refused to lie to her.

"Bella, you need to get a little sleep," I said softly.

"I don't think I can." Her eyes implored me to understand.

I looked at Jasper. "Can you help her?"

He nodded.

"Jasper will help you a little bit. We have a long flight and you need to get some sleep before we get there. I know you're stressed, but you still need sleep."

She snuggled deeper into me and soon drifted off. I held her and kept my nose in her hair, breathing her scent into me. I didn't want to think that this would be the last time I would be doing such a thing. The world couldn't possibly survive without its angel here. It was impossible.

When we touched down in Italy, there was a limo waiting for us. The drive to Volterra was made in complete silence. Everyone was holding their mate, afraid of losing them. It was scary to consider becoming ash, but the thought of seeing our mates become ash right before we did ourselves was too much to think about.

Nothing had changed about Volterra since the last time I had been there. Bella gasped as we entered the city. I'm guessing she expected to see something other than humans walking about their day, not knowing the seat of the vampire world was among them.

The limo parked in an underground garage and we took the elevator to the reception area. Bella stopped when she saw a human working in an opulent lobby, on a computer. I nudged her to keep going, not knowing how I was going to explain that the Volturi hired humans that were usually killed when they were no longer of use.

We didn't wait long before we were escorted by Felix to whatever awaited us. He was a guard member and had always been openly hostile towards our family and way of life. When he saw Bella with us, his eyes widened and his thoughts were full of curiosity as to why we brought a human. He planned on alerting most of the guard as soon as he we got our destination.

I rolled my eyes knowing no matter what we were going to have some kind of audience. At least the guard knew better than to be around the private conference rooms when any of the brothers were in a meeting.

We entered the meeting room and sat down to wait. Alice whispered, "Felix will be spreading the word that we are here with a human and within ten minutes the entire guard will know. Aro plans on seeing us alone with Marcus."

Rose snorted. "So much for the idea that gossips are only girls."

Soon, Aro entered with Marcus following him. Both were surprised to see Bella with us, and Marcus noted immediately that we were mated. That was Marcus' gift; he could see and read the types and strengths of bonds. His interest was piqued in a way I had never seen before. He normally was completely apathetic, having lost his will to live when his mate, Didyme, was killed. The only reason he hadn't sought death was his bond to the Volturi.

Aro's thoughts were vague. He had learned to think around things so I didn't pick up on his every thought. Shock was still evident and he had many questions.

With no comment or welcome he walked right to Carlisle and held his hand out wanting answers. Carlisle gave his hand immediately. Aro read through his past thoughts so quickly, I wasn't able to keep up or learn what he did.

When he was done with Carlisle he stepped back and regarded Bella closely. "How interesting," he said. He turned to me. "Edward, I received more than enough input from Carlisle, but I would like to have your unique perspective."

Before he finished, I held my hand out for him to take. It wasn't like I could deny him anything, but I was more than happy for him to know exactly what my relationship with Bella was like. Mostly though I wanted him to see who Bella was and that she would never tell anyone anything about us. I doubted that it would make a difference to the outcome, but I had to try.

When he was done, his eyes were shining and his thoughts indicated he was delighted at the prospect of what Bella would become as an immortal. He was staring at her, scrutinizing her, trying to decide why I couldn't read her thoughts.

Alice was continually looking to the future to see what decisions Aro or anyone else around was making. Since Aro wasn't saying much of anything, I could hear the anxious and worried thoughts coming from my family.

Aro spoke to Bella. "What an unusual human and circumstance. Of course, it is and has always been law that no human is ever to know about us. Not only do you know what we are, but you live and are embraced by a coven. Normally this would be instant death for all with no further thought or comment, but you are mated. In all my years I have never heard of a human and vampire being mated." He turned to Marcus and raised an eyebrow in question.

"Yes, brother, they are fully mated and their bond is incredibly strong. She is also bonded to the rest of the coven as any vampire would be. I would never have guessed that a human could bond to a vampire let alone a coven."

Carlisle spoke up. "She is a full coven member. She is my daughter as much as Alice or Rose. We all know it is against our laws for her to know what we are, but when Edward discovered she was his mate, we knew we wouldn't be able to keep what we were a secret forever."

Marcus inquired. "Why didn't you immediately change her?"

Surprisingly, Aro answered, "Because she had a broken soul. I've seen instances where someone as broken as she were turned at it created an incredibly unstable vampire who had to be exterminated, assuming they didn't find a way to do it themselves first. No, Bella wouldn't have survived being turned once Edward accepted she was his mate. I doubt the Cullen coven would have survived intact. I'm sure Edward would have left in guilt seeking either death or searching for restitution he would never find. As to how it would have affected the others, who's to say, but losing two fully bonded members would have repercussions."

My shock at Aro's seeming defense was echoed in the thoughts of everyone in the room. His eyes never strayed from Bella and I shockingly read compassion in his thoughts. I had never experienced any thoughts about humans from him. He truly considered them cattle, so for him to consider her in anyway was surprising.

Marcus turned his gaze to Bella and considered her. He had no clue about anything in her past, but hearing she had had a broken soul and now was healed caught his attention. His soul had never repaired from his mate's death, and he couldn't fathom such a young human girl surviving that amount of pain. He wanted to learn more about her.

Bella's heartbeat was a pounding drum in the silent room. I let it clam me as I focused on Alice who was searching our futures to see what would happen to us all. She saw Aro's intention to touch Bella and that she would block his gift. I flicked my eyes in her direction, letting her know I had seen her vision.

"Bella, it seems you have the ability to block Edward from seeing your thoughts. An ability, I might add, that both pleases and confounds him. Since my gift is similar I would like to see if you are able to block me as well." He held his hand out exactly as Alice had foreseen.

Bella looked at me and I gave her a slight nod with as much of a smile as I could manage. Her hand trembled as she placed it in his.

"What an amazing human," Aro smirked.

His thoughts reflected his desire to have such an obviously gifted human turned into a vampire to see how much stronger her gift would become. He knew she would never become a member of the guard as she was my mate, but she would be subject to the same agreement that he had with the entire Cullen coven so Bella would be at his disposal if he felt he needed her.

Then he decided to test her further and see if she could block other mental invasions. I tensed while he considered Jane and if her ability to cause excruciating pain would work on Bella. Jane had used her ability on me and I doubted a human could live through something like that, and even if she could, I refused to allow Bella to be subjected to such a test on a whim.

Before I could object, I saw Alice move out of the corner of my eye screamed my name in her thoughts. I cocked my head slightly towards her so she knew she had gotten my attention.

_Edward, don't panic she'll be fine. I promise. See . . . _

A vision appeared of Jane coming in and trying to harm Bella who had no clue what was going on. Seeing the incredibly pissed off look on Jane's face in the vision made me want to laugh.

Aro excused himself to find Jane and everyone in the room stayed quiet. Marcus wanted to ask questions about Bella, but decided against it, wanting to wait for Aro to finish whatever he had planned. My family's thoughts all reflected their unease at Aro leaving as none of them knew where he was going or why.

Alice quietly reassured everyone. "Don't panic when Aro comes back with Jane."

Everyone's thoughts in the room, including Marcus', showed surprise and uneasiness. My family knew enough to trust Alice, but still didn't want to have Bella around the vicious girl.

I tuned to Jane's smug thoughts before she even entered the room. She was incredibly pleased that she was being asked to cause pain to a member of the Cullen coven, whom she had always thought less of because of our diet.

They entered and I kept rubbing soothing circles on Bella's back, hoping to let her know that everything was alright. She had no clue who Jane was and I didn't want to tell her what Aro's experiment was about since Alice saw it not working anyway.

Aro gave me a significant look before turning to Jane. He knew the only way I would be so calm was if Alice had seen nothing happening. This didn't stop him from continuing.

"Jane, dear, this is the human I was hoping you could work with for me."

She desperately wanted to know why the Cullens were in Volterra with a human and why she was being asked to punish the human. Jane turned to Bella and exerted her gift of pain towards her. Her thoughts spiraled as Bella sat calmly in my lap confused as to what was happening, but obviously in no pain.

Jane started growling, and Aro placed a hand on her shoulder. "No worries, Jane. It would seem that Bella confounds all of us. Thank you, my dear. I won't need you for anything further." She left incredibly put out that she couldn't cause pain to any of us.

Carlisle picked up that Aro completely dismissed Jane, instead of asking her to stick around and hoped that meant that Aro had no plans on torturing us.

Aro stared at Bella. His thoughts were circling around so I couldn't tell what he was planning. Alice was getting flickers, he was purposely not making a complete decision to avoid her visions.

"Bella, I am grateful for Carlisle bringing you here. Of course, he didn't have to bring you here to be changed. He has never indicated that he want to expand his coven so we had never discussed how he should do so. It heartens me that he came here seeking my approval before you were turned. We have a secluded castle in Germany near a forest where it would be easy to accommodate everyone and where there is abundant wildlife for when you have completed the change. Make no mistake, my dear Bella, since you know who and what we are you will not be leaving Volterra property with a beating heart."

His proclamation was met with complete silence. Marcus was surprised, as was my family, though only he and Carlisle understood that the only reason Bella was being given a thinly veiled option was because Aro wanted her abilities. If she had not shown such strong abilities, likely things would have been much different, but I wasn't about it have her changed against her will, even though I had come to embrace the idea of her change.

"She doesn't want to be changed. She's never told a single person about us and she still needs healing."

He turned to Jasper. "What do you think? From Edward's and Carlisle's thoughts she seems much better. I doubt anyone could ever be completely healed from such a vulgar travesty, and we all have burdens we carry with us from our human lives. Bella seems stable, do you think she can handle immortality?"

I wanted to beg and plead for him to say no, that she needed more time, though I knew he would tell the truth and never allow Bella to be harmed.

"I wouldn't mind more time with her, as I think there are a few things she needs to work on more, but I don't think there is anything that would hinder her in immortality or make me worry that she is or would be unstable," he replied.

He nodded and turned to Bella. "Wonderful. I will have a car brought around and Felix and Demetri will escort you to our holding in Germany. I will be by to visit in four days time to see how you're adjusting." We were just given our cover story of how Aro was going to spin us being here with a human girl. Even if someone in the guard questioned if that was the real story, no one would say anything against it.

I held Bella tightly trying to find a way out of this. Felix was a tracker, there was no way we could get away from him and he would let the guard know where to find us. There was a chance he wouldn't be able to find Bella, since she seemed able to block many mental abilities and his tracking was done by getting a mental tone on a vampire and then being able to track it back to them.

Alice was searching out futures, but her thoughts revealed that she was content with how things were working out. In fact, all of my family was happy that we were leaving alive and that Bella was coming with us. None of them felt my apprehension about how Bella refused to discuss immortality with me and that she didn't seem to want that future for herself.

Jasper noted my anxiety and soon pieced together what was causing it. As we were walking to the limousine that would take us to Germany he leaned in and whispered, "It could be worse, we could all be dead. Before you change her, talk to her and find out why she doesn't want to be changed. It may be something simple you can deal with."

I nodded, doubting there was anything else that could be done at this point.

The trip to Germany was made in near silence as none of us wanted to say anything in front of Demetri or Felix. Most of my family was happy that everything seemed to work out perfectly. They all considered Bella a family member and this would only make it more obvious. Each had passing thoughts about how Bella had stated she didn't want to be a vampire, but figured she would rather be changed than die and that whatever her hang up, probably wasn't something that couldn't be overcome.

For the entire trip Bella didn't say anything. I desperately wanted to talk to her, but decided to wait until we had more privacy.

The castle we finally pulled into, was old and in need of repair. Looking around it was an ideal location to change a newborn that would live on animals and not humans. There were plenty of woods around and the nearest village was a few miles away. Felix and Demetri stayed outside as the rest of us went in.

There was little furniture and the walls were bare. It hardly seemed inviting, and made me wonder what it had been used for in the past. Likely it had belonged to a guard member when they were human, so Aro considered it a Volturi holding to be used when or if he wanted to.

I held Bella's hand and we looked around upstairs until I found a room with a bed. The old mattress smelled of mildew and feathers, but it looked more comfortable than the hard stone floor.

I turned Bella to face me. "Alright, it's just you and I now. I need to know what you're thinking. What you want to do?"

She refused to meet my eye. "I don't know what to do." If I hadn't been a vampire I would never have heard her.

"Talk to me, Bella. I don't know what you're thinking. Do you want to be changed? I don't know that I can find a way out, but I will try if you want me to."

She started crying as she shook her head back and forth. I held her waiting for her to find the words to tell me what she was thinking. Eventually, she stuttered out, "I don't want to be left alone."

I was confused. "Why would you think you would be alone? We'll be together. I would never leave you."

"You don't want me. You said you didn't want me to be a vampire."

I searched my perfect memory for a time I would have said that to her. Even when I didn't want her to be a vampire because I feared for her soul I didn't say it to her, knowing her already fragile self esteem wouldn't let her understand. "When did I say that, love?"

"After James bit me you said you couldn't let me be changed and sucked the venom out. You don't want me for eternity, just for now."

"Oh dear goodness, no, that isn't what happened at all. When James bit you, I said I didn't want you to be changed like that. Not that I didn't want to be with you. Bella, you weren't healed from your past yet, had in fact just gotten through your last trial, and then you were kidnapped by a vicious vampire that bit you. Your mental state at that time would have made your transition into immortality difficult at best. It's possible you would have been so unstable that you would have needed to be killed later. I couldn't let that happen. I wanted you to get better before we even discussed such a step."

She drew back slightly and looked at me.

"Bella, you would have lived for decades, maybe even longer in the depression you were in months ago. I couldn't let that happen."

"So you do want me with you?"

I brushed the hair back from her cheeks. "More than anything, but it isn't what I want that matters. What do you want?"

She bit her lip and looked up at me through her eyelashes. "I want to be with you forever." She tipped her head to the side and pulled her hair out of the way.

"And I you," I said. Then I lightly kissed her neck before biting her thinking of the future we would have together.

* * *

So there ya go. I promised that either Bella would or wouldn't be changed but that both of them would embrace it. Now after many death threats and comments of violence I knew that Bella needed to be changed. Seriously, I have loved all of your comments, suggestions and not so subtle insinuations about Bella becoming a vampire.

Now be glad that Nissa told me that I couldn't end the chapter saying "The End" as I had planned. So there will be a short, tiny, small epi coming, but don't look for a long drawn out affair. Bella is healed and I never had plans on writing much past that. So shout outs to Nissa for all of you that are happy there is more coming.

Thank you to Burtncore for giving the chapter a once over. Seriously she is a gem. I dumped 6,000 words on her and she never complains. I love you girl.

Thank you to all my new readers, WOWSERS have there been a lot of you. I love your reviews of past chapters that touched you as you read. Thank you.

Lastly, here is the dealie. My next story is in the works. It is Vamp Carlisle/human Bella. I have already been told there are people very creepeed out by that pairing and that they won't be reading. I understand and am just happy you stuck with me on this story. My C/B is an all romance, no angst story (seriously I must be losing it). If you are against Carlisle because he is the "daddy" well he won't really be in my story. Okay, read if you want but if the story even remotely interests you can you review and tell me - do you want me to wait and post once I have the entire thing written so I can update regularly, know that will mean probably more than a year and with no one really inspiring me it may not get written, OR do you want me to post knowing that updates may be sporadic, there won't be any cliffies, like I said all romance and mushy. I have 2 chapters written and have showed it to a few friends that told me to keep going, but they are friends so have to say that. LOL

Sorry for the long AN. I love you all!


	51. Epilogue

Epilogue

I stood hidden in the back, holding Bella, as we watched the Pastor pronounce Seth and his new wife to be happily married. I glanced at Bella I saw her eyes glistening.

Many things had changed since she was turned seven years ago, yet so much reminded the same.

Before I was done biting into Bella's neck, Carlisle rushed into the room making sure that I was able to stop before I drained her. I appreciated the concern, yet I knew it wouldn't be an issue. There was no way, no matter how sweet and satisfying her blood was, that I could take a single drop more than was required.

I was surprised when Carlisle pulled out a syringe of morphine. He was hoping to get enough into her system so that she wouldn't be in pain. Neither of us had any clue if it would work. I was hoping it would.

As soon as I had pushed as much venom as I could into her, I laid her on the bed in the room. Looking around, I cringed at how dusty and dank everything was.

Carlisle patted my shoulder, guessing at my expression. _I know it isn't an ideal situation, but what matters is your mate will be with you forever. You know Bella doesn't care about the where, she's just happy to be with you._

I nodded, knowing he was right. After he left, I crawled onto the bed and pulled her against me. I tried to wrap my head around everything that had happened in the previous twenty-four hours. I could never have imagined things would have worked out as well as they did with the Volturi. Going in I knew in my heart that Bella was going to be killed and that I would either be killed with her or would arrange a way to die myself later. There would be no me in this world if my angel wasn't with me. The only variable to me was if my family made it out alive.

To be on the other side with everyone alive and my mate being changed was more than I could have hoped for.

Before I could get too tied up in my thoughts, Jasper came into the room and handed me a notebook.

_I was hoping we would need this. I have been having Bella write down things she remembered from her time before knowing us. Mostly it is things with her friends and family back home. I had her do it for two reasons; one, so that she could remember the good times and stop dwelling on the bad that happened; and two, so you could read this to her during her change so hopefully she will keep as many human memories as possible._

I sat completely dumbfounded. This was an incredible gift he was giving her. So many of our human memories slip away and we are left with mere suggestion of remembered thoughts. Jasper had found a way to give Bella so much more than any of us.

"Thank you, brother," I said as I glanced down. "Is she in pain?"

He focused on her emotions and I could tell he was confused. _I can't get a firm handle on it. I think she is still in pain, but there's something more going on. I don't know what._

I simply nodded and he left the room.

I kissed the top of my love's head wishing there was a way to prevent her from having any discomfort. I started talking to her, telling her to think of any memories she could so she could remember them later. Slowly I read aloud from her book, her memory journal. As I read, I interspersed personal comments about our time together as well so she could remember as much as possible.

That is how I spent the days of her change. She never made a sound, which disconcerted me as I had never seen a change that didn't involve screaming and thrashing about.

As her heart started racing towards its final beats, I slowly uncurled from her knowing she would be extremely predatory and the last thing she needed was to feel that she was trapped.

With the last beat from Bella's heart, my entire family waited without breathing. I don't know if it was because Bella had been around us for so long and, had heard all of our stories, or if it was because I had been talking to her throughout the process telling her what was going on and what to expect. But in the next moment, she woke from her change remarkably controlled.

Jasper was unsure and apprehensive with how controlled she seemed. It took him months before he totally calmed down and accepted that Bella was no like a normal vampire.

I took Bella hunting immediately after she woke and found Aro waiting for us when we returned. Bella had piqued his curiosity and he wanted to know what abilities she had since she seemed gifted as a human. He was incredibly disappointed to find that it didn't seem like she had gained any special ability, though her mind still stayed closed to Aro and I.

Leaving Germany became problematic. Taking a newborn in a car that would pass by humans, much less to an airport seemed like an impossible feat. Bella did it, though. She held her breath and hummed while I tried to further distract her by singing to her. Emmett kept a firm grip on her and Jasper sent calming waves to the point of making her almost catatonic.

We spent the next year in a remote area of northern Canada. The hunting was abundant and there were no humans for miles around. Bella adjusted to her new life quickly and never seemed to regret her change.

The time I had spent reading to her during her change helped her to remember her human life more than any other vampire I had ever come across. The best part of it was that she remembered most of her good memories. The memories that we didn't talk about and dwell on were very faded. She remembered what had happened to her but it was almost with the same emotional reaction as reading it in a story. It no longer held the pain and suffering it once did.

I think the only regret she had with coming to this new life was leaving her friends behind. She told me soon after her change why she had been distancing herself from them. She didn't know that she would be changed, but knew if she was that the people in her old life would need to be left behind.

Her friends were told the news that she had been in a fatal car accident. They didn't know that she kept up with their lives as much as she could, and had seen many of their milestones including graduations and weddings.

That is what found us as Seth's wedding. He was her last friend to get married. As I looked at her I couldn't help falling in love all over again, seeing the excitement, love, and caring in her eyes as she looked at her friend.

She was still as open and caring as ever and I loved her all the more for it.

As we left the church, we made our way to a local hotel so we could meet up with our family. She didn't know that they were on their own mission while she enjoyed her friend's momentous day.

My sibling's thoughts bombarded me as we got to our room. I kept my expression blank, while inside I was jumping with joy.

Bella's and my relationship was perfect, and the only sliver of imperfection was my fault. I was hiding something major from her and while I felt guilt at doing so, it didn't stop me. My love was still as compassionate and caring as she had been as a human. While her memory of the things done to her was vague, she knew what had happened.

After her change Emmett had asked her if she was going to seek vengeance on the people that had hurt her. She was appalled at the idea and emphatically said she wouldn't. Immediately, he noted that she said she wouldn't take vengeance, but said nothing about anyone else doing so. With the idea firmly in his head, he looked at me and raised an eyebrow knowing I would have seen exactly what he wanted to do. I simply smiled and looked away which was all the encouragement he needed.

I have never laid a single finger on any of the monsters that terrorized and harmed my angel, but I have never prevented all of my siblings from exacting revenge on behalf of Bella, and inside have reveled at the images and thoughts of what happened to each and every one of them. Today, the last person that had harmed her was now dead, done in by a particularly nasty poison that somehow was slipped into his food at lunch.

I knew Bella would never condone what was done. I knew I was betraying her by not speaking up, but I was willing to live with the lies so that the people that harmed her so viciously paid in more than just time in a cell.

As we walked into the room, Bella smiled. She never ceased to amaze me. Most vampires were wary of being around other vampires, even ones that were part of their own coven. It took years for vampires, especially newborns to have trust in others.

Not my love. From the moment she was turned, she embraced the entire family. Carlisle postulated that it was because the bonds had already been formed and strengthened before she was even changed. Whatever it was, I was glad of it. I remembered how Esme had been wary of me for years. Rosalie never really got over her animosity and she took off with Emmett soon after his change for a few years before coming back to us.

Everyone was waiting for us. Bella never said anything, but it was apparent to all that she was happier when we were all together so when something happened with her friends the whole family came with us. It was slightly overkill and crazy, but that's what made us who we were.

Bella sat down and started gossiping with the ladies about the dresses and how beautiful the ceremony was. I stood by my brothers who mentally gave me a run down on how they had killed the last person that harmed Bella.

We truly were a family and there wasn't anything I would change. I knew things wouldn't always be perfect, but for us they were as perfect as they could be.

The End

* * *

So that is the end. There is no more. I'm sorry to see the story end as I have met so many wonderful people. Thank you all for reading my crazy story and following me on this journey.

Burntcore thank you for Beta'ing for me and Nissa you have been pre-reading and supporting me for so long. Thank you for everything!

Chelle


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